darling24_7

398 - DIY

2010-11-21T14:30:00.003-05:00

Oh my goodness, I cried when they finally did my roof. I guess I imagined what would be done and how it would be. It was not what was actually done. It was just a lay these things over the current roof and torch it down to seal it.

I though they were going to rip up everything and leave what was there that was structural. Boy I was wrong. I really thought I was going to see right through into the unit below because thats what i would have done. Whether my way would have been the right way or not is another question.

So they didnt take anything off other than my nice wooden deck off of the top of the flat roof. It was in good shape and was there so my feet dont burn in the summer time when the sun beats down on it. They took it away and that made me sad.

They also took the railing away. I didnt realize that they were going to do that but they took it away and well now I have to pay extra to have a railing put in. Oh AND did I mention that they arent even going to buy new wood? So that makes me sad.

At the point I was running on empty. My nerves were shot and I just didnt care anymore. I just wanted something to be done and I wanted it over. I dont imagine i will enjoy that deck as much as I did before.

I did cry because I honestly think I could have done a better job with the help of a friend who knows about roofs. It wouldnt have cost me as much as it did and I would know that it would have been done right.

The only reason I didnt do it myself was the fact that Im not a roofer and should there ever be a leak it would be myself that would be responsible. Not to say that anything would have happened if I did the work but the 'What if' question popped up in my head. So i went with the safer option which now I am regretting.

Its too late to do anything about it and I cant turn back time so all I can do now is to try to forget the whole negative ordeal and make positive things happen out in that area.

In some cases, not all... if you want something done right, do it yourself.

397- hands off

2010-11-14T20:24:00.002-05:00

I invited T over to take advantage of my offer to give him a massage. Just a massage. Purely for relaxation purposes for him and to not lose my technique. I was a little nervous as I am attracted to him and have had him star in some fantasies.

So I think that because of the fact that I am attracted to him and had him wearing only his boxer briefs, on my bed with my hands all over him. I was concentrating more on making sure that the massage was super fantastic. Makes sense? Not even in my head does it makes sense though I try to figure it out.

Id like him to come back for another massage. Its a great test to my ... control to have someone that I'm attracted to be half naked on my bed while my hands roam all over their body and NOT end up going where things usually go when one finds a half naked attractive person on their bed.

It was nice. It was challenging. It was tempting as all get out but I am happy to say that I did not take advantage of him. Or he I. I have too much respect for his wife to do anything to cross the line. Im not even sure if Im allowed to touch him in my usual way when Im with my guy friends. I usually do lots of touching, drape my arm around their waist, tickle the back of their neck by running my nails back and forth, if its not the back of their neck maybe their arm or leg. Just very touchy feely and not always sexual. Just friendly.

Guys love it. Their girlfriends not so much but after a while they see that its not meant to challenge their position in the guys life and they are ok with it and see that its just me being me= friendly. It just takes some time for everyone to adjust. So every time they get a new girlfriend theres always an adjustment period for everyone.

So anyway, T came over we talked, I told him to get undressed and I started on him shoulders and back, then he took off more clothes which left my eyes in merriment. I have to say that He is in good shape. I know he used to go to the gym much more than he used to but he had an injury thats kept him away and hes slowly getting back to going more often like he used to.

I also wanted to share with you in case you were wondering, that I kept my clothes on. I did have a sweater that I removed once I got into the massage. So Ive decided that since nothing of the sexual sort involving T and I being naked together will likely happen... unless some sort of something occurs. But as of how things stand its looking like its just a big tease.

Which I have come to enjoy with T. So I have full disclosure with him and we both know where we stand. So we flirt like crazy and tease each other to distraction and still its a matter of not crossing the line and well for me. I find I can push the limits and see what happens... even though I know that it wont end up where we might both have thought of in the dark. Its been fun.

If anything should happen Ill make sure to share.

396 - sulky

2010-10-24T15:44:00.002-04:00

The frustration continues. As much as I know how to take care of myself its just... not the same. Theres the element that's missing and it lays a big part in feeling satisfied.

D came over for 20 minutes. Usually not long enough but if applied properly and with the way that I have been feeling I'm sure it wouldn't have taken long to get me off.

He took a look at my deck and no deck is not another word I use for naked body. My actual deck which I have been having issues with. So we talked about what else might be done to make sure the leak does not reoccur.

We kissed a few times but I wasnt able to lure/tempt him to helping me out. Which leaves me unsatisfied and disappointed. Bummed really. I wasnt able to seduce him and I am still left with no orgasm to ease this rising beast of a libido.

So not only am I sexless I conclude that my feminine wiles are lacking. Excuse me while I take the embarrassment in sulky silence.

395 - junkie

2010-10-23T20:41:00.003-04:00

Sexually frustrated in Ottawa. Blunt yes. Its a cycle like anything else I think. Ive been good though and haven't been getting around like I used to... in a nice sense. I know that doesn't sound healthy but It sounds worse than it is.

I'm just saying that D isn't able to fulfill my needs all the time. As much as Id like and as often as Id like. So its frustrating. D and I are just friends BTW. Theres no ties between us. But I still feels the sting of guilt. This is a problem and this is why I am frustrated.

I feel like I'm in a monogamous relationship when I in fact am not in such a thing. I cant say how he feels and I don't think Ill be asking him again anytime soon. I tend to ask questions, lots of them.

So I remain sexually frustrated and find myself fantasizing about guys I shouldn't be fantasizing about just to up the titillating meter so that in the event of a self induced orgasm the POW will be even more satisfying. Junkie much? Oh yes.

394 - Leave it be?

2010-10-23T19:56:00.006-04:00

T. Im in lust. Im not allowed anything but flirting but oh do I want more than that. The flirting is arousing and stimulating. I know he's married, he knows I know and we used to work together a few years ago and we've remained friends throughout my career change.

We recently found ourselves alone and there was plenty of flirting as usual but this time there was something a little physical. He touched me in a sexual way. I also think there were a couple of moments when the hugs lasted a little longer and another time when his lips were drawn to mine.

We didn't end up kissing but i wanted to. But I didn't know if he wanted to or not. So it didn't happen.

Hes told me that if he wasnt married hed be all over me. I told him that if he wasn't married Id be all over him. We laughed but i was a little sad because of it. Im sure it would be dynamite. but Im not willing to make things different. Its nice the way things are. Me questioning myself and keeping myself in check not just for his sake but for mine. So I can be strong in respecting myself and him as well.

I will have to share that I do have fantasies about him and he and I talk about them in general, nothing specific. He's a nice guy who has a great life and I have no intention of changing any of that for him just to satisfy my libido.

Ive entertained thoughts of what it would be like to just make out with him. To kiss and have our tongues stroking against each other. I've thought of keeping up my skills in massage on him... clothed of course. I've also thought of just having him as a cuddle buddy, someone to share the sofa with while watching a movie at home.

I don't think he'd quite take to the ideas above, to be the provider of gratuitous sexual tension minus the sex.. without the guilt. Selfish of me yes I know.

I wonder what he would say if all I wanted to do was to use him so perfect, practice and perform feminine seductions without going through with it. Kind of like... I cant explain it... its in my mind. I can picture how it would play out but I cant explain it. Im sorry. It sounds selfish... but I figure... if he agrees and knows then why not. But Im too chicken to even bring it up.

So maybe this thing with T will be just that. Something that will never be. And that all right :)

393 - dealing with insurance companies

2010-10-23T19:30:00.004-04:00

Its been a really long time since Ive been here to post. Lots of things have been happening. Some worthy to be written about and others not so much.

Ive had to call my insurance company when the neighbour sent me a letter saying they had water leak into their hall closet, their closet happens to be below the deck off of my kitchen.

Not knowing what to do as far as process goes I called some friends and asked what to do in this situation, they all advised me to call my insurance company. I took their advise. I never realized what a long process it is to get them to do anything. Ive had to call them to get information after I made the claim. I have to admit though that my adjuster sounds like a dream on the phone so its no hardship to talk to him.

I'm just frustrated that the time that's gone by. It hasn't been a month but I wanted this to be taken cared of as soon as possible. The insurance company sent a general contractor to take a look at the origin of the leak and to assess the cost of repair.

It has been a week and a half since the contractor came and took pictures and measurements. I just heard from them and he told me that hes trying to get in touch with a couple of roofing companies so they can come take a look at the deck and get an estimate made. Hearing that made me frustrated and I'm sure he felt my agitation but I kept my cool and just asked him to call me as soon as he heard from those he was waiting on.

Ive had to make a statement to a liability officer from the insurance company. The leak from my deck isn't something that I could have predicted to happen and ignored. The leak came from squirrels who decided to make a nest and eat through the weak spot.

Because the leak was made by squirrels my insurance wont cover the repair on my deck. As they have informed me that I was not negligible I am also not on the hook for the damage in the unit below. Kind of a good news bad news deal but the better news is that it doesn't count as a claim against me. I am still claims free. There will be a note that there was a claim open and the case was closed it was opened to investigate and it was found that the claim didn't get carried.

Its been a little roller coaster because I'm clueless when it comes to knowing what to do or what to expect but Ive tried to get some information from friends and they've all told me to be patient and just wait to hear from my adjuster. When I cant be patient I end up making a call to my adjuster and he goes through what to expect next and its a lot of waiting to see or waiting to hear from someone else.

392 - Happy May 24 weekend!

2010-05-19T20:42:00.003-04:00

Ive painted the second bedroom, the kitchen and the bathroom. Next on the list is to paint the hallway downstairs. I also want to, I dont have to but I would like to paint the fence in the backyard as well as the bannister leading to the front door and the balcony off of my bedroom... now that I think of it Id like to paint the second balcony off of the breakfast nook.

Ive already worked on the grass in the front and backyards. Filled in the spots and put in a lot of work so its the best in my area. Well, I think so.

Im still driving the same car though Im starting to wonder about perhaps trading it in for something a little newer. My choices are Honda, Toyota or Hyundai. Honda because its common and seems to last and hold its value. Toyota for the same reasons even though theyve had some issues that have become public recently. That and my first car was a second hand Toyota and even though it was older and in rough shape, it did what it was supposed to when I needed it to. A Hyundai because I know people that would give me a great deal on the purchase and also know people that would take care of my wallet and the car for the maintenance. I do have to think of the resale value of the Hyundai.

Work is going well. A little turmoil during contract negotiations is what I am expecting next year so Ive started to be careful and Ive added a savings account in case of a rainy few months. Ive also been trying for the freedom 30 club but they havent been able to match my numbers yet but I remain hopeful :)

My dad was up for Christmas and New Years, up from San Diego, California. It was fantastic to spend time with him. I feel bad that hes all alone in San Diego. I know he has friends but its not the same without family. Id like to be able to travel to see him more but my schedule and finances dont allow for that. Maybe when the numbers match that will change.

The love life is still tangled with D, though with time I am letting go. Its a slow process for me. Who knows but I do know that ill just meet people and see where they go.

391 - tension

2010-05-19T20:28:00.002-04:00

One hour to spend with JC, we went for a walk and talk. Not dinner and a movie, or beer and wings. A walk and talk. It was surprisingly pleasant. He made no rude or crude remarks about anything. We touched on various topics and stayed with our hour limit. It was nice to have that limit as I find myself in a difficult place where Id like to end it for some reason or another and cannot.

I have to say that JC isnt usually the type I would go for right off the bat but that pleasant hour made up my mind and I find myself looking forward to seeing him again. Our conversations since that hour have been a little bit more personal. He has intimated how and where he would like this relationship to go. After of course, letting me know that he was pleased with my appearance and also that he was attracted to various and many parts of my body.

I havent given him any indication of where I stand on his directions but I am enjoying the idea of the various things he has shared with me of his plans.

The ability to make someone anticipate, is powerful. Sometimes I catch myself thinking am I the one on the receiving end of it or is it I that weaves that spell? No matter, it is an experience.

On one hand I am doing the girly thing and thinking of JC and I in an actual relationship and imagining how it could be with him. Then reality hits and I think it could all just be nothing. Only time will tell. Though my guess is that the experience with be short if not full of the good kind of tension :)

Holidays

2009-12-20T13:36:00.002-05:00

Merry Christmas and have a very Happy New Year.

My dad is coming for a visit for the holidays. It should be fun. Im running around like a mad woman. Its been fun. Also, the shopping has ben great. Ive gotten myself lots of things for Christmas. I havent forgotten that I have to get things for other people and family as well. So its been a great time.

Getting together with friends to celebrate and enjoy each others company has been good. Meeting new people and going on blind dates are still interesting. More to come with some funny encounters.

All the best in the new year!

xox

390 - junior

2009-11-25T21:49:00.006-05:00

Virtual soup proves to be interesting and I seem to be too nice/naive. So Ill share this story and by no means should you believe that I do this kind of thing all the time. I just chalk it up to being too nice and not knowing any better.

Went to meet AT for drinks and didn't have any expectation about it but was looking forward to meeting someone new which I think I always feel when I go out to meet someone new. Our flirt was bang on though a bit on the forward side but it was still manageable.

It was game night and well he was a little more into the game so I didn't think it was a good sign, actually I knew it wasn't so I just kicked myself for egging him on to get the pitcher of beer, it was a small pitcher. I don't drink beer and it was ummm I guess 2 pints/glasses?

I had a gin and ginger and wanted the whole thing to be over before I could finish my drink, but I guess I had to wait until he finished his drink/s.

There was also a little bit of texting on his part... no the text message wasn't sent to me as a cute joke for the night. It was to his friends who were at the game. Oh yeah can I tell you how ON this guy was that night? NOT!

So as it goes we alternate speaking between French and English which I enjoy if not for the lack of attention hes paying sometimes. I say I enjoy it because I like to keep up my french.

We pay the bill, I split the bill as I figure I don't want him to think I owe him anything and don't want him to think that there will be a next time.

He walks me to my car which I didn't think was necessary and wonder where this gentleman was earlier in the evening? So I say thanks and get to my car. He leans in for a kiss and I give him a peck and turn towards my car to unlock it.

He asks me if he can sit in my car, I'm taken off guard by this and reply with 'umm, sure?' So he goes around and gets in. I'm still outside my door wondering why I said yes and then shake my head and open my door and sit inside.

Where....

A - He has fallen asleep

B - Has whipped junior out of his pants

C - is quietly making paper planes out of the notepad I had on the seat.

Well. If you guessed A, I wish! If you guessed C that would have been annoying because I had written some important things on that notepad. If you guess B for BINGO, you can share in my shock when I first saw him and junior out waiting for me in the car.

Is this normal? And what would make a guy do something like that. My thoughts on what makes a guy do something like that? A - he has a one track mind and figures its a numbers game, so many women will say no but if one says yes it makes it worth it? B - He was reading signals that were pointing to my wanting that to happen? C - He figured that there was no chance that it was going to go anywhere and decided on a Hail Mary plan to get whatever he could? There are others but I stopped at 3 choices there.

So needless to say I didn't do anything with AT or junior, nor do I plan on seeing him again.

Strangely, he doesn't seem like the creepy type, in fact hes one of those unassuming people that you would overlook in a crown, nothing about him stands out. He was pretty generic. Not fantastic looking (to me) I kinda thought he looked too young for me. Childlike features and all. Height wasn't all great as he was I think my height and... as PERFECT as that height is for me.. on a guy I think hes at a disadvantage in many areas of life.

There are men that are my height and may even be a little shorter and have wonderful lives... but I bet they dont go around whipping it out. Maybe this guy has nothing else to go for him and this is 'his thing'. Who knows?!

I dont expect to hear from AT and I hope I dont as Im not interested. I dont plan on keeping in touch much less try to see if anything can be salvaged.

NEXT! :)

388 - pockets good or bad

2009-11-12T17:55:00.005-05:00

Had a lunch date today with G3. Note to self, make sure you know who it is youre agreeing to meet. Needless to say I was surprised to find G3 waiting for me outside the restaurant. I was expecting P. My fault. My mistake but I went along with it and didnt think it was his fault and he shouldnt have to pay for my mistake.

So we had lunch and we had conversation. We shared and we laughed and I was a little bit uncomfortable as Im not sure Im physically attracted to him. Hes all right. What can I say that was wrong with him? He looked normal, older than I am but he had all his fingers and he had a shaved head by choice.

Lots to talk about so conversation wasnt lacking. I just didnt feel like I needed to hold my breath for anything. Im not sure if that makes sense. We talked about sex and I knew he was interested. I asked him to tell me that he didnt want to have sex with me. He said he couldnt because hed be lying.

I thought it might be easier and I was hoping he didnt want to have sex with me because then we could just go out once in a while maybe. He is interesting, well travelled, involved in a lot of activities and lots that I would have picked his brain over.

So we finished lunch and umm... I paid. Yes thats right I paid. More on that in another blog and my thoughts on that.

So we went for a walk aafter we ate and I was struck by him reaching for my hand to hold. As we walk. I barely know him and well... Maybe I havent dated in a while and thought maybe its something the kids are doing these days :)

I managed to take my hand back only to have him try again. I took it back.. in a way that I hope wasnt too obvious.

He did the one arm hug to pull me closer to him and I wasnt sure what was going on there so I felt a little awkward. Maybe I have been too long gone from the dating scene to realize this as.. normal behavior?

He also hugged me while my hands were hiding in the pockets of my leather jacket and leaned down for a kiss. I tucked my chin into my neck and and made the nu uh noise. He ended up kissing my forehead.

Im undecided. A little forward. I talked about it with a few people and they said that was too soon for the hand holding and the kiss. The one arm hug was ok. Im not sure if Ill see him. I might just to see if its as awkward? Is that odd and does that make me awkward that Im willing to see him again to check out that it isnt a usual thing for him?

Maybe. I think I need some help.

387 - online dating

2009-11-09T17:04:00.004-05:00

Online dating... what was I thinking!?

So theres this guy. J3.. I dont know how many Js Ive got in the soup so Ive picked J3 for this guy. Never met him but weve exchanged a few emails, had a couple of chats online. Not bad, got an OK vibe. Then my life gets busy and he doesn't hear anything from me because NO ONE hears anything from me by way of the world wide web as you all know and can attest to.

So I come online this one time and he freaks out on me saying I have deleted him off of my msn and he knows Ive done it and that he doesn't think its cool. I wonder who the F is this as hes got a total different screen name and wonder who it is. Apparently that wasn't the right thing to ask so he continues to rant and I continue to rack my brain for anything with that screen name.

I come up empty until he answers my question of who he is. J3 he says :) I reply with OMG I know you and continue to give him a point form version of everything we've talked about sometimes in verbatim to prove that I haven't forgotten him

It doesn't do any good as he thinks I'm wasting his time. Why does he think I'm wasting his time? Because I haven't sent him a photo of me. Online. I haven't sent him proof that I am female... but Ive asked him if he wants to call me on the TELEPHONE so we can speak and talk there and move it from the world wide web to other forms of technology.

I understand that people want to know what the other person on the other end of the screen looks like and I have a shy streak a mile wide and I'm not comfortable with what some people might do with my photo, not that its all WOW but because I am a private person and I don't 100% know what plan they have with my photo.

So I delay that for as long as humanely possible, and this differs from person to person because some people have low thresholds and others have higher thresholds of patience and understanding.

So far online dating has been interesting. Why you ask am I doing this? Why not. I caved and joined and now I am no better than the millions of people that are out there. Searching for...??? I'm honest in my profile and say I have no clue but still they come en masse to my inbox.

I shall share my online dating foibles with with world or those of you who enjoy a chuckle or few in my expense.

Lesson learned from J3... men are more sensitive that I thought... Or men are still only after one thing :) The great photo album.. better than the mental spank bank.. this one you can flip though!

PLS NOTE... there are more lessons that Ive learnt. That's not the only one :) and not all men are like that I know :)

386 - envy

2009-09-29T11:41:00.002-04:00

As men and women get older there views change and some of the thoughts that go through my mind at this point in my life are.

When men get older their choices as far as women go skyrockets. Why do I say that? Because there will always be women their age who are looking for someone their age. There will be younger women galore who are looking for someone older. And there will be women looking for ones who are younger than they are.

I know I can also apply the above ideas to women but I wont. Only because maybe I am a woman and dont often see situations where young men are looking forward to being with older women. Unless its a "stage" in a young mans life. Maybe one day I cant but as of right now...I cant.

So as men get older the available choice of women whether they be single, attached or married. They no longer have to worry about being alone because theres always someone to be with.

With women, I dont even want to go into it as I just might sound sad so maybe ill touch on that another time but I think for women it doesnt work out quite as well for women as it does for men.

Women age, hopefully they have great genes an take care of their skin and body. Men have terms like debonair and worldly. Women as they get old get named spinsters. Not something to look forward to.

Anyway. Im lucky that I do well in certain areas like skin and hair. I have good genes and it helps that asians seem to show aging less than others.

So I have thoughts that it may be better to be a guy. I think Ive got penis envy. It wont last, this feeling but its caught my attention nonetheless.

385 - peekaboo

2009-09-28T12:14:00.004-04:00

These are the things that are happening. But first I miss posting. I wish I could do it more and that it would work out more that I could. So for this post I'm going to just spew out things that have been happening in no particular order.

People have been giving birth. Babies names are as follows, Chloe and Katie.
There are more waiting to come within the next 2 months.
I am not one of the ones that are expecting, in case you were wondering. YAY!
As my Dad always says, be safe, be happy.

People have been getting married. Not I. Guess its the season, As one of the single girlfriends to attend these weddings. I am in high demand to be paired up with the other single men in attendance.

I have decided to start looking for a new car as it is time that I start. Id like something simple like a Honda, Toyota and even a Hyundai. Nothing extreme. Just something thats reliable and that will get me to where I need to go.

My sister is moving in at the end of the month which is in a few days. FUN to be had for sure. I have to think of some of the things that Id be giving up. Like walking around the house in nothing but a smile. Having sex wherever we happen to land. Most of the thoughts evolve around the naked variety but also things like making sure its all perfect. Because... and sorry to spoil your idea of me. Im not. Close but not. I do not always clear the sink before I go to bed. I sometimes start to undress as soon as I get home and leave a trail of clothes down to my unmentionables leading to my bedroom... or whichever room I end up in.

So theres lots to do in the next few days and really not much time for me to accept all that Ill be doing less. But I guess our schedules are different enough that Ill get to do some of those and others whenever the stars line up.

D went on holidays for a week to Florida. He got back last night and well. Things are a bit tense. But I htink its just me working my way out of things again. Again.

Work is going well, nothing new to report there. Oh wait, yes there is. Ive have someone follow me around to talk to me. Hes tried to make date plans but Im not into him at all. I dont ususally mind but this person was borderline stalking as far as the following me around. Finding out where Id be and making comments that I didnt appreciate.

My brother went to the Toronto Film Festival. He had a blast shook some famous hands and took some famous pictures. He showed me the one of M. Fox the girl from Transformers and she didnt do anything for me. Kinda not what I expected to see but what can ya do? People like what people like.

My sister has a King size bed. Its raining and were hoping that it will let up long enough to move it. D's trailer will be used and so will his carpet cleaner. All in the next 2 days. I just made an extra key for her yesterday and made one extra for just in cases. I had an insane thought to leave one with D but I waved that thought away. Ill need to find one of those key lock boxes that realtors use.

I have squirrels that Im trying to evict for non payment of rent at the house. Stubborn. But I will win in the end.

My sister and I were thinking of starting some kind of business. We brainstormed one night when we went out. Lots of drinks and ideas became fun but well... Ill do a post on that later and you can let me know what you think.

My Birthday was 3 days ago. Lots of fun all week last week. D was on vacation and didnt call. It bothers me a little but I tell myself that guys in general..?... usually arent great at remembering things like that sometimes? I havent mentioned anything and I wonder if I should? Maybe maybe not? I should probably just let it go. Chalk it up to 'wasnt done on purpose or to hurt me' 'let it go and just be' LOL

Thats all the time I have right now with the internet but as little as I post lately Im glad Im able to do this little bit. And Im working on a couple of things to post as far as DFTFs so hopefully ill be able to get those out.

384 - winding down

2009-08-19T11:51:00.004-04:00

Things are winding down with D. Its a slow process to let go but when it happens it happens, Im trying to figure out how I can keep things going but its just not the same without giving it my all.

Ive realized that ive put myself into it and taking myself out is difficult. Which parts to let go and which to leave.

I cant have the best of both worlds because its not fair, to me. He cant put his all so why will I continue to? Is love fair? What is fair?

He says he loves me but cant do anything more than he has. I love him but cant continue to do as I have without him moving forward with me.

I think thats it. I cant continue this knowing that weve reached our glass ceiling. We can continue but it wont go anywhere. Or he can decide to break the glass and we can continue. He wont break that barrier by the way, its just not possible. Well it is but hes not willing to take the risks.

I want someone who wants me back.

I want someone who wants to make me happy, I also want to make that person happy. I want to be able to do things that person likes because he likes it and I want to see the pleasure I bring him.

Ive decided that it might be a while before I date anyone. People would call what I do dating but I dont. I go out with guys and its not the same thing. I might even go as far as saying that I think ill be single for while (long time turning to forever)

I dont know what the word is for what I am but I feel like either I wont ever be enough for someone. Or that Ill be too demanding for someone to want to stay with me.

What is it called when you ask someone for something because it would be/feel nice and they say no because its something they just dont do. I was saddenned by the refusal but kept on going. When does it become an issue when they bring up things that youve asked for that they dont/wont do because its just something they dont do.... but know that it will make you happy?

Its not as if the things Ive mentioned or talked to him about are horrendous things. I dont even want to mention them for they are so simple that Im sure most of you wouldnt even balk at if it was mentioned by someone you were seeing.

Im sad. This is going to end.

Why is it that when ending something with someone it always feels like theres no one else that will fall for you. Like I think hes the only one that thinks im pretty, or nice or anything to the like. Like hes the only one that would fall for someone like me.

Ill find that confidence I once had and go to town with it.

quickpost

2009-06-24T10:34:00.002-04:00

No time to share whats been happening lately but Ive been keeping track of it all. Just not online. More like in my diary. Is that something new about me that you might not have known?

All on paper so far just because I can carry it around with me. the scary part? Sometimes I leave it here and there and I tend to freak out because Im not sure whose hands it will get into Just like those little USB thingies with personal info and private thoughts and so on.

Its a little nervewracking to not know where Ive left certain private items but I find them eventually. But its too private sometimes to leave around so I must remind myself to be more careful.

Hope things are going well and Ill try to pop in here and share whats been going on.

Early Happy Canada Day!

383- feminine wiles

2009-05-30T12:58:00.003-04:00

Ive been accused of using the powers of feminine wiles to further my… home improvements, among other things.

This comment comes from SE who I believe doesn't hold my self to any sort of esteem. This hasn’t been the first in this line of thinking.

Which makes me feel a little odd. One it makes me think that I might actually be taking advantage of men? Two, that I might be one of those pretty girls who gets what she asks for by fluttering my eyelashes? Three, that SE has a really low opinion of me and that deserves some deductions in points for SE.

It bothers me that someone thinks I am taking advantage of other people whether it be male or female. To me I would be the last person to take advantage of someone. Then again… isn’t that something anyone would say about themselves?

Is that me just making excuses and generalizing? Making things normal when they arent?

The interlock stones have been put down in my back yard and it all looks super duper fantabulous. I didn’t hire a crew to install it. I had a friend help me with ideas and the how to, as well as the elbow grease.

I didn’t want to miss the experience of working on a project from the first shovel of dirt to the laying of the stones.

So it took 8 days to turn my back yard into a page out of a magazine, it would have been done in 4-5 if the weather had co-operated but some needed rain came down.

I am very happy with how it all turned out and once Ive finished with making it just right I might take pictures and post them to show off .

There are still a few things to add to the backyard but it will all come together in time. The seeds I planted are starting to grow and its going to look really good. I cant wait. Heres to a sunny summer so we cal all enjoy.

382 - waxing soup

2009-05-25T12:33:00.000-04:00

So I have an issue with A, he wants something I dont. He wants to have a relationship with me but Im not so keen on that.

If I were to have a relationship with someone Id have to be able to talk to them often, see them often and go out at different times during the day if possible. Not all on the same day but you know what I mean. If its planned and all that and it works out.

The thing is, with A, it very difficult to get a hold of him when I do return his calls. Its even worse when we try to see each other. Plans will change and then the plan is nixed. Dont ask me what he does because even he hasnt been that upfront with me. Which leads me to take what he says with a grain of salt.

When someone says they are going to do something, I have no reason to think they wont do it. But when they dont follow through and they prove consistent in not following through It puts me in a difficult position. it makes me think.

Think of telling him to be a man and man up. Do what you say youre going to do and make sure youre able to back it up. If not then you come out looking like a fool and then makes me feel like one for believing it.

With all the stories he tells its disappointing that he isnt able to come through when he says something. Ive been told Im too nice and I believe it with A because now Im in a spot where I want out and he wants me to say I miss him when he leaves. He asks me when I want him to come back when he goes away.

I heard from SL and hes asking to see how I am since its been a while since we last were together. I know he wants us to get together again but Im not so sure. With him it was a timing thing and I need the guy to be able to compromise as much as I am willing to (if it works for me)

I have to admit that my memory of him are a little fuzzy so it might clear it up to get together with him again but there isnt a pressing need so I can put that one on hold for now. There was this day at a hotel that I remember with him...

SQ is someone I havent mentioned before and I should give him a call and see where we can take things. Ive been a little on the cautious side because its a small world and I would hate for worlds to collide.

R has called and has been a sweetheart. I really should make time for him when he is in town next. I cant promise him anything and I say that to all of the people I meet and I also dont discount that something wont happen. its a play it by ear and see how things work out kind of deal.

SE is off my list as he is in line for a baby. Friends for sure but as for anything else.. its a no go. That doesnt mean he wont try, he is a healthy mle after all but I dont want to distract from the huge responsibility that will be coming his way in the next fesw months.

I cant help but feel a twinge of regret that I wont be able to find out where things could have gone with SE. Hes pretty :) Im not too worried though there was enough there to know that it might not have worked out. So I can put him in my spank bank :)

D and I are still doing our thing and well. Its OK. I havent had a moment where Ive gone all girly on him and asked why? in a why cant we be together kind of way. Instead I just enjoy what it is we do. Not to say that it wont happen again but for now things are going smoothly.

381 - the woman comes out

2009-05-21T15:23:00.003-04:00

Ive been a victim of my own making. There I am a single woman who enjoys life, is friendly and if I say so myself... quite a catch. I wont go into detail in this post about why I think I'm a catch but I might at another time. When I'm feeling no fear or modesty.

So there I was all decked out to the nines and I have my butterfly wings all a flutter making everyone else's stomach flutter. My partner for the evening is pleasant and has piqued my interest and has managed to have me keep him in my periphery vision.

I'm curious about him and want to see him in action so to speak. See how he moves, how he interacts with people that I know and people that I don't know for that matter. He looks good all dressed up and I think we make a great looking couple fr the evening.

That thought is followed by wondering how we would look like without the clothes and wearing each other instead. I excuse myself from the current conversation and move along to be in his view.

He sees me and makes his own excuses and walks over to me. We make our way around together and after dinner and drinks we make our way home....

The next day I drive myself crazy wondering why he didn't say anything about how I looked that night. I looked fabulous. Other people mentioned that I looked fantastic, looked healthy and all that great stuff that's always nice to hear. I just wonder why he didn't say anything.

Welcome to the mind of a woman. Well my mind anyway, I'm not so sure if all other women think the same way. I know for a fact that on certain topics I'm a little off. Or vice versa :)

So I wonder and wonder and start to question peoples taste then worse than that I start to question my own taste. So then I get a little cranky and I'm not so open to his advances and I mention how I felt about what happened or what didn't happen on his part.

His way of apologizing was to mention that I looked particularly ravishing in what I was currently wearing and that made me if possible a little more upset about the whole situation because I myself didn't find myself looking particularly ravishing in what he thought was.

I knew he was trying to make up for something he didn't think was important to I couldn't really get mad at him for something he didn't find a big deal so I just said he had bad timing and thanked him.

I few days later I was thinking about what happened and how I let myself go a little nutty over what had happened. I might have talked about everyone needing attention at some point in this blog and its true we all need attention and we all need to be acknowledged and we also need someone to validate us.

Sad as it is sometimes we look for validation. Sometimes its for a good reason other times not so good. I was looking for someone to tell me I was pretty and I looked good.

I should also share that at the time I was having moments of uncertainty with how I looked. So it just played into the whole thing and didn't help the fact that I was unsure of myself. So Ive reminded myself that though I might not be a supermodel gracing magazines, I manage to turns heads wherever I go. That has to count for something right? It does to me.

I forget that sometimes and my actions remind me that I am pretty. I am OK. Nothing more nothing less. I am me and I am happy with me. Even with wanting to lose a few pounds I am happy where I am and its never a bad thing to want to improve oneself. But as long as I'm happy now I know that other peoples comments are just that.

So lesson learned. I have moments where I am weak and find myself needing to hear compliments when I cant seem to hear my own.

380 -Anticipation

2009-05-07T19:25:00.003-04:00

The lotions I smooth over my body, the powders I brush over my collarbone and flick over my nipples, the gloss over my lips. Letting my imagination run wild with how things might happen, different scenarios. Wondering if my outfit will entice, arouse and stimulate.

I slip on the smallest black gstring and do a full turn in front of the mirror. I take in the small dip in my lower back, see the two dimples, the curve of my ass and I'm satisfied with how it wraps around me and disappears in between.

A glass of wine, a taste of strawberry. Teasing myself for whats to come.

I slip my arms through the straps, my breasts cupped snugly, pushed up and together, I fasten it behind me and watch the sway of material move back and forth against me.

The sight in the mirror turns me on. I feel a gush of heat through me. I can see through the material, there is space in between what is hanging. Like tassels but longer. From beneath my breasts to the tops of my thighs, like a curtain that doesn't hide anything.

I turn around again and look over my shoulder and see my back is equally arousing to me as the front. A two inch gap with no material shows my spine all the way down to the dip where my gstring disappears.

I smile, I cant wait to see his reaction.

Disappointment

My phone rings. I see who it is and answer in a voice close to breathless. ‘I'm ready’ A small chuckle is heard and a question is asked. ‘For..?’ A hesitation in my answer ‘For.. you..?’

My arousal drops, my shoulders sag and there are no words except ‘OK’ as I hear the story. I think ‘all for nothing’

Frustrated with myself for putting so much into it. For looking forward to something. For letting myself imagine that it would work out. I look down at myself after I say ‘see you later’ in a defeated voice and I am no longer aroused. Instead I'm sad.

So I sit here in nothing my the gstring. Skin so soft and smooth and think. It wont be the same when I do it all over again for the next time. Ill always have this in the back of my mind. That it didn't work out.

Maybe it will though. Maybe it will next time and that’s what makes me continue to use the lotions, lip gloss and powders...

The anticipation begins...

379 - guess who?!

2009-04-22T10:24:00.004-04:00

My purse was stolen with everything in it. Cash, gift cards, Identification, o\car insurance and ownership and so on. My lief has been topsy turvy for the last month because of all thats happening. Police reports have been made and my faith in humanity dipped to a new low for me. Im taking it personally and im being told not to take it personally. It could have happened to anyone yet it happened to me. I am taking it personally.

Part of me is being selfish but I know it happens to others all the time as well. Not just me. But for now... Its about me.

My life, my happenings. Its about me.

Srping is in the air, men are getting aroused as am I. Ive been doing well in the restraint department though I cant imagine The Soup is happy to hear that. A, D, S, BS, G, M, T, S, are all doing well. More stories about them later on.

Property taxes are coming due. Im still new to the whole home ownership thing but its starting to look like a money pit. In a good way I guess. Though right now the second bathroom Ill be installing says money pit. For now. I know in the end it will be worth it. No more running up the three flighs of stairs to the bathroom. Soon it will be just down one flight. That wont be done for a couple of months so Ill still be rushing up the stairs.

My bank accounts and Visas were safe as I cancelled all of them as soon as possible. My balance is currently at 1000 on my Visa and thats not normal for me as I usually like to not have a balance at all.

Im taking a day off tomorrow. D and I are taking it off and going to the Nordik Spa for the day. I cant wait. Ill be sporting a white string bikini in case anyone was wondering. I tried to find a picture of a white bikini but thought better to leave you to your imagination.

I bought a beige canopy for my backyard and we set that up yesterday. Ill be looking for patio furniture next. Weve put down topsoil, fertilizer and grass seed down so the front and back yard will be ready for hosting BBQs.

I am off of work from May3rd - May 9th. I have yet to decide where I will be going. Depending on how Im doing financially I have a couple of options. California, Cuba or Australia. The land down under has a story to it and will come at another time.

xox

My Inbox

2009-03-17T10:38:00.000-04:00

I’m energetic, intelligent, fun-loving and know how to treat a lady in and out of the bedroom. I want to find love first and foremost. Since there is suppose to be in excess of 15 million subscribers to the system, I will conclude there are about 7 or 8 million females, which is pretty good odds someone compatible with me is here. I think from what I have observed, the majority of ladies here, if not all, are uninhibited when it comes to sex. Since I am looking for a very special lady who would be intelligent, energetic, fun-loving, etc. and with a very high sex drive like myself, I have concluded more than one potential lover is here somewhere within the system. It is rather exciting you know because the majority of women are beautiful like yourself with a high sex drive. Bear in mind that I am searching for love first and foremost. And as Forrest Gump once said: "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get". I think that's what makes it all the more interesting because I think I'm in for some big surprises here.

I don't really know yet, dear, how you will feel about me as a potential prospect. But on the outside chance that you are well-disposed to taking a "leap of faith", I decided to email you because you caught my eye. The reason it did is because you impressed me as being a refined, intelligent and gorgeous young lady who potentially could hit it off with me. And as the saying goes: "You can't blame a guy for trying".

I'm a firm believer in "lady's choice" and so I will take a risk here that you may like what you see. I am single, never been married (it's a long story which I would be happy to divulge if you wouldn't mind hearing it), with no children.

If you have read this far you really are very sweet, another characteristic about a lady which I have a strong affinity towards. My hope dear is that you would respond and let me know just how you feel. I promise to honour and respect your decision.

Best wishes,
PL

ps. I couldn't resist the opportunity to get imaginative and creative out here in cyberspace as it pertains to my fantasy about what could happen if we met; in particular, what I would like to fantasize might happen if I could spend time alone with you. I certainly would love to build the anticipation to a mind-blowing crescendo by starting the day off slowly with a continental breakfast and building the heat as the day goes on. The breakfast is especially fulfilling cause we take the time to communicate... getting to know our life stories and sharing our intimate desires so freely.

Now that the ice is broken and we are definitely warming to one another, we take a trip to the shopping district and I lavish you with expensive gifts. We bring your gifts back to your place and quickly head on out for a boat cruise around the bay and savour the moment of being in each other's presence. We are beginning to like each other and the affinity is growing stronger.

The evening is spent at a show or live theatre followed by a romantic dinner. I see you back to your place, we embrace and kiss passionately; we can barely contain ourselves. You offer me a nite-cap and I am very shy and frightened cause I am still a virgin and afraid... I want so much to satisfy you... to let you know your pleasure and satisfaction comes first. You reassure me in a sweet and loving way that you will show me the way to heaven cause you've been there before and know the way back.

You put on some soft and seductive music and commence a slow deliberate, mind-blowing striptease for me. We engage in a long drawn out foreplay that heightens the anticipation and leads to feelings of sheer pleasure and ecstasy. We play with our exotic sex toys, aphrodisiacs, and enact the beautiful ritual of the Kama Sutra, taking our experience to places where no man or woman has gone before. We explore each other's bodies, inside and out, and nourish our senses all night long, becoming one, intertwined so perfectly... so inseparably!

Each time I visit you, we could enact a different role such as: I meet you at a strip bar We talk... we have drinks and we come home to your place and make love till we plop.

Since I would be sensitive to your needs first, dear, lady's choice would rule. I would be so sensitive to your needs and lavish you and treat you as a prince does his princess!

Be Happy, Healthy and Prosperous. May all your fondest hopes, dreams, desires and fantasies come true.

378 - What is it about a man

2009-03-12T13:32:00.000-04:00

What is it about a man?

What is it about a man that I look at? What makes me decide that I want him? and what is it that I want him for if he doesn't make the grade? How bad is that? That if he doesn't make the cut... I wonder how I can somehow fit him into my life.

This post might be enlightening. For you? A little degrading for me. But honest.

When I meet a man. I always look forward to the best possibility. Who knows what that possibility could be. Just the best. Who doesn't want the best?

At first glance. At first meeting. Its an interview of sorts. Its true within a few minutes I can have a general sense of where it might go. If it will go anywhere or not. Ill find out if I am attracted to them physically. Though sometimes its difficult to tell because of all the clothes he has on.

Don't you ever wonder what the other person looks like naked before you get to that point? Just so you know if there is anything that might be a turn off or off putting or a deal breaker? I mean sometimes I want to see what Ill be getting before I get there to make sure that Its actually something I want to ... do.

So in my head I wonder what they look like naked. I also want to know all their bad habits. Their pet peeves and what ticks them off. Their deal breakers, annoying habits and anything that people might not like about them. Because I just want to know and get that out of the way.

As far as the good things about them, the funny quirks, the endearing habitual movements I can wait on because that's what I want to get to know in time. Like little surprises. The rest I want to know up front and at the beginning of a courtship if I can call it that so I know if there is something that I really wouldn't be able to handle then it can be dealt with without any awkward moments of thinking you've lead someone on, that you've become something special to them and so on.

Also at the beginning of a courtship as Ill call it from now on even though it sounds more romantic than I'm making it out to be. I also want to find out what it is they really are looking for. What kind of woman they are looking for because I want to know if what they are looking for is... well. Me.

If I can decide that they are looking for someone or something that I cannot provide or offer then there is no point in continuing this... courtship. So better luck next time and hope you find what you're looking for.

Why do I want that? Well because I know me best and I know what I can offer and If I am a match to their description then we move along.

I'm not saying someone will one day describe me to the T but if its somewhere in the vicinity then why wouldn't I think it would be a good match and why not continue with this person because he seems to be looking for someone... something like ... me.

Now that I think about it. it feels a little like I'm cheating, stacking the odds? But don't most people do something of the like? Maybe not as out and open as I do it but don't most people do that? Some people do mass dating, serial dating to some but its all to get closer to finding that one person.

Maybe I'm just in a loopy mood tonight. Introspective is the word I'm looking for.

Take SE. Pretty boy. Can make me think naughty thoughts and all hes wearing is a pair of rip away pants and white shirt. The thing is... once hes naked... it doesn't illicit the same naughty thoughts as when hes fully clothed. Strange? I am.

D? Can fill out a pair of jeans and long sleeve vneck and have me wanting to touch him even if its me squeezing his arm for a moment. Naughty thoughts well at warp speed. Then naked it takes it to a whole new level and I wonder how I can have my mouth in more the one place on his body at the same time.

With A who I have yet to take to second base I don't know if I could handle it going that far. Not for me but because for him it would take this to a whole new world of courtship. Did I mention that A has offered to ' take care of me'? I hope you are no longer wondering why I haven't let it go further.

SJ is new and is a little amorous because of his ummm preference for women with ample... assets. Not that I think mine are anything to talk about in the locker room but he seems very interested in getting together due to the many different things he would be able to... do.

C has made a return. I have yet to decide what Id like to do with him but I know for certain that it wont be how it was when we were together briefly. Ive grown a little bit and know what I want more than I did before so I hope that hell be receptive of how Ive become a little.... less submissive.

SB came for a visit last week and it was nice. Hes got some ideas that I am not sure of as it will tip the balance of who is in control... and I'm a girl who likes the reins. Even when it looks like I don't its only because I let them think I don't have it

Spring is fast approaching and so The Soup seem to realize this and are aware that spring brings out a new season and.... wardrobe :) Not only those in The Soup are aware of this. So are those not included.

People will be feeling more... amorous and well... I hope to take advantage and be right in the thick of things.

377 - outfit

2009-03-10T16:40:00.001-04:00

When I was younger. I brought an outfit to school to wear to catch a certain teachers attention. The outfit consisted of a white top that tied underneath my then much smaller but still evident breasts, a pair of very short short shorts. Something to show off a young woman's body.

I remember being nervous. I remember taking my clothes off only to wear a body baring outfit. I remember walking outside where I knew I would be seen by him. I walked towards him, then past him. I acted like that was how I dressed all the time. I was cool and confident.

I don't remember what he was thinking. I don't even remember what I was thinking. But he followed me. He talked to me for a while and I could see his eyes taking in my outfit. My stomach, my navel and my legs.

Even then I had my eye on older men.

376 - searching for porn

2009-02-24T16:48:00.001-05:00

I got nosy and well a little curious on YouTube so I looked up porn. Yes my mind went there just to see what was out there. I have nothing else to say on that matter.

I'm still not sure how to just put up the video here in the post so it doesn't go open a new window to see the link. That's something Ill have to figure out sometime. So for now Ill just keep doing what I know how to do.

So this is what I found and what I want to share with you all because I thought it was well done. Do I agree with it all? Yes and no. I'm sure you will share your opinion after you see it :)

So, yes I do enjoy watching porn. It all depends on my mood which will dictate what kind to watch. I never knew there were so many different categories but I have to say that I'm sure that whatever people are into. Theres a website that caters to them.

I usually go to two or three different sites and that usually does it for me. Sometimes I get curious and click on a link here and there but I never stay and nothing new ever catches my eye. So the ones I do go to have enough variety that pleases me.

375 - The loophole

2009-02-18T19:59:00.003-05:00

The loophole is for X amount of dollars you can bring the lady of your choice into the place where youre staying. The catch is they cannot enter your room.

The loophole is for double the amount of X in dollars you can bring the lady of your choice into the place where youre staying for 3 hours. They can eat, drink and partake in any activities held. The catch is they cannot enter your room.

The loophole is for triple the amount of X in dollars you can bring the lady of your choice into the place where you are staying for 24 hours. They can eat, drink and partake in any activities held. They can have their own room. The catch is they cannot enter your room.

21 year old bombshell + seven condoms = Killing Darling Softly.

Theres a part of me that feels empty inside. Lost, confused and scared of what happened. How its going to affect me and what Im going to lose. Lose in myself. I knew it was a possibility I prepared myself for it. But nothing quite prepares you for the sting. Nothing quite tells you youre still alive than the pain you feel.

Ive closed it off and Ive chosen for now to ignore it. To not deal with it. I will have to sometime and Im not sure what will happen when I do. If Ill still be me or if Ill become a shell of what I once was.

I dont know how to react and I just dont know how to react. Empty, cold and alone. Thats me for now.

Maybe Ill look for someone to fill that emptiness... something to remind me im alive.

374 - reminders

2009-02-17T14:48:00.000-05:00

I forgot to share this one. A week or so ago someone told me to go to the store and buy salt. I thought...road salt? But no it was table salt. If it was bought on that day then the myth was that whoever bought that salt would have money all year? or was it every day of the year? Some money? a lot of money? I'm not sure but money is money.

It didn't mean they would be a millionaire but it meant that even if it was 5 dollars in your pocket that day it would still be you having money.

I'm not usually a superstitious person but I was hopeful. Like I am with lottery tickets and finding the one. You never know but it doesn't hurt to put it out there and try because you never know what might happen.

I did it. I bought some table salt. Not only because of that phone call but because I was running out of what I had at home. If theres any indication that the running out of salt parallels the running out of money.

Its a good thing someone was there to remind me to look in the pantry.

This reminds me of a necklace that dips low in between my cleavage. Or a particular scent I wear when I want to illicit a certain reaction. You never know if its going to work, but if it does it makes you feel better and gives you that added confidence.

Use what you have and run with it :)

373 - be prepared

2009-02-11T12:42:00.005-05:00

I thought this was cute. check it out. Protection is important.

Ive used various brands and Ive yet to use this one. Maybe the next purchase will be something new.

help

2009-02-04T14:12:00.001-05:00

Im in the mood. Like really really really in the mood.

Ds no help. Neither are any of The Soup at this point.

Im in trouble. Im online and looking...

372 - comparing vaginas

2009-02-02T15:46:00.002-05:00

** Please note... there are no pictures of vaginas in this post :)

SE is a big vagina. The slightest tremor and he goes and shows off how big a vagina he is. There that was me being mean. But I laughed. Does that count as being mean if it makes me laugh? Probably.

He doesn't want to deal with me because I confuse him at the best of times. He has other things to worry about and cant deal with 'us'. Maybe in the future we'll see how things go.

I'm taking that as a thank you but no thank you... for the moment. It might not but my first reaction is to be angry and let down.

My reaction confuses me which I'm OK with because what is my life without a lot of confusion?? So that's whats going on there but on the other hand this works fine for me because I really cant be with someone who has a bigger vag than I do :)

Ill be eating those words later on if something should happen with SE. We shall see.

I spoke to a friend of mine this past weekend and he helped me calm down. I had a bit of a sad weekend where I had to deal with the issues that are all happening at the same time and I needed someone to distract me and it helped. Thank you G.

I'm getting into old habits that might be construed as self destructive. Depends on how you look at it of course. Its all about perspective.

There is crisis in my sisters love life as shes patterning herself after me.. a lesser version which is good because I'm a bit much to take sometimes. More watered down version of me might sound better? No? Didn't think so.

So Ive had a few more years and a more men than shes had to deal with and I trying to coach her through some things but there are just some things that needs to be learnt by herself. The art of finessing is something that she'll have to figure out on her own. Ive given her guidelines but told her shed have to work the details to match herself.

She gets frustrated with it and situations she finds herself in but the best thing Ive told her is that shes not the first nor will be the last one to go through it. I tell her to rest easy with the knowledge that there are ways to come out on top even if the situation leaves you in pieces.

Time. Sometimes she rushes and I tell her not to. To enjoy it all the small moments that seem meaningless. Why rush? If in the end you know there will be an end. Why not enjoy the small things and appreciate them more.

The answer to that is. Because it hurts. To have put meaning into something small makes it hurt more in the end. But to me, the more it hurt... the more it meant something. I want everything to mean something, my life, what I do, what I say and so on. I must be a glutton for hurt and pain then. We all pay a price. Mine just happens to be this.

How twisted is that? When my thoughts run that way my outlook is completely different from most of the population and makes me feel like an outsider when it comes to friendships, relationships and acquaintances.

Such is the price of being unique. The fun part is slipping into friendships, relationships and having acquaintances without them having a clue at how deep the twist goes :)

Ohhhh and what do you think of the boots?

My Inbox

2009-01-26T13:35:00.001-05:00

I havent opened my inbox for a while and this is the first on the list of many that Ive gotten. Interesting as always and very imaginative. You like? or...?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

As you mentioned you are an avid reader, I thought I'd share this little bit I wrote for your reading pleasure. I sure hope you enjoy...

Let me know if that sparks creative ideas..

P

"I'm lying there on your bed, just wearing a pair of jeans, looking at you. A feeling of shyness seems to take over you. You still can't believe you accepted to strip for me. Being there, alone, to be look at while you sensually take you're clothes off makes you nervous, self-conscious, yet it's exciting. You breasts now flow freely, the soft, chilly touch of air make your nipples perk out. It feels nice, even nicer as you see a big bump growing in my pants. The thought of that cock makes you feel warm.

You want to see it, to feel it, to lick it. To stroke every centimeter of it to prepare it for your own pleasure. The thought of being ravaged by a, no many men crosses you're mind. You see yourself in ecstasy as all sanctuaries of your body are being violated. ...Back to reality. You realize your eyes were close, you've gotten rid of that skirt, your hands now venturing between your legs as you dance. You're wearing those crotchless panties your husband offered you.

They make you feel, so naughty, slutty, you feel you could do anything with those on. You feel your self moist, hot and wet. You move toward, me. Undo my jeans that reveal that thick, stiff cock you desire so ardently. Like a lioness you prowl upon it. You start to lick it, suck on it. As you start, play with my balls, you feel my self having pleasure under the touch of your mouth.

The taste of my pleasure reaches your tongue. One of your hand vigorously stroke my cock as you suck it, the other, with just has much energy services you clit. It feels marvelous. You feel hot, you love to taste my seed, to give me pleasure solely with your mouth, you wish to have hot warm cum fill your mouth. To feel that explosion of my senses. Sweet cum you love to taste. Things won't happen as you planned them.

I that moment I reach you, grab your hips. Surprised, you land on top of me, positioned to be 69ed. You continue to lick my cock suck on my balls, knowing whats to cum. A big surge runs through you as my mouth touches your pussy. My tongue tickle your clit, licking your lips. Gently at first, but it gain in intensity. The feeling now keeps you from focusing on me. Blinded by your own fun. You now press your pussy against my face, rubbing you clit on my tongue spreading those sweet lips, exploring your depths. Then you swing over and land face down on the bed.

You feel me grabbing your hips, raising your our ass. My cock, presses against your pussy it feel big, but your so wet. In a single, strong, deep stroke, I fill you. The mix of pain from the sudden and brutal penetration and the relief to feel me scrambles your senses. Long, deep and powerful strokes makes you appreciate the full size of my cock.

It seem that every stroke reverberates throughout your entire body, as my hips hits your ass with a loud smacking noise. « Faster!» you beg for. Then it picks up. You can't do anything, you're immobile, subjected to a brutal fucking. Still you love it. The intensity, the power, make you feel vulnerable and safe. You feel your juices now flowing along your thighs. One of my hands gently strokes your butt hole, the intensity from the pounding in your pussy makes this feel strangely good. You feel your ass gaping, inviting myself . « You want to feel. Me in your ass? Then deserve it! ».

I lay on the bed, my stiff cock standing straight inviting you. You come over me and impale yourself on in with vigor. Grabbing my shoulder, you ride it like crazy. You feel your clit rubbing against me. It feels so good , you won't be able to hold it much longer. You slow down. Then I grab you ass firmly, raise it. You can't avoid cumming. I penetrate you with all my length, quickly, you lie on me, biting on my shoulder as you're being bounced up and down my cock. The intensity is too much....tremors take over you ....your legs shake, you moan loudly....You're flustered by heat and pleasure, your pussy gushes and you squeal from the pleasure. But oh no, we're not done.

Still impaled on me I bring you to the side of the bed, I hold you by your cheeks and I get up. Now you feel all your weight resting between your pussy and my dick. It feels so deep. So good. As you pass your arms around my shoulder and kiss me I move you up and down my cock.

The feeling is singular and soooo good. «Do you still want to feel a cock in your ass? » I asked. Barely moving you nod your head. Concentrated on that rod ravaging you inside. You then see your other lovers, who's been observing you all along, approach. Still standing, my hands spread your ass. You feel his cock press against your tight little ass. Your fluids, lubed it up already, it doesn't seem as tight as usual.

I release lightly my hold on you and your lover's cock slide into your tight little ass with ease. You're there, not touching the floor, impaled by two cocks. You feel them moving in you. It's so great. You're almost crying from the pleasure. Powerless, you keep getting pounded, you feel humiliated and excited. You tell us you want it harder.

We move toward the bed. I lay down. And we please and use you until you cant take it anymore. You feel so full, filled by cocks. Every time one of us touches you depths you vibrate with pleasure. You're like a rag doll, taking hits, liking it. A little whore pleasing two men . You can't feel you pleasure anymore, simply seeking ours. You feel our dicks engorged, swollen as they fill you with our sweet, sweet pleasure oozing down both your sanctuaries...sacred no more."

I hope you're smiling a bit by now...xoxo

371 - Sexapalooza 2009

2009-01-20T16:11:00.000-05:00

I went this year again. I didnt it terribly fantastic. Just OK. Nothing stood out for me and maybe thats because Ive been there done that? or is it because the people that were there didnt make me want. Im going to slap myself for this but sex does sell. And Id buy something from someone attractive before I would someone I wasnt attracted to. Weird? Is that me?

Of course Id make sure it was a good deal. Being attractive should be something if I had a business I would look for in an employee. Now Im being bad here but when I think of someone wearing leather chaps. I imagine someone that I would be attracted to. Now everyone is attracted to someone different but I was disappointed that there were very very few people I was attracted to.

Why did I go this year? So I can fill my fantasy plate. Add more people to that lineup. Of people Ive seen, maybe talked to and maybe had the occasional bicep squeeze or hug. Add those moments to a fantasy while Im... well.... playing with myself.

So this years Sexapalooza was a flop. But Im sure many others disagree with me. Please dont hold my opinion against me. It is just after all an opinion. Take it or leave it.

Here is where you can see their website. TADA!! They havent really updated anything to make it eyecatching. Well maybe its not suppose to catch my eye but something lower on my body. But it didnt do that either. Oh well. Maybe another time.

So I people watched. So at night, in the morning or in the middle of the day Ive got enough characters to add to the fantasy in y mind.

370 - whats in my mind

2009-01-20T14:01:00.004-05:00

I'm still in that place where its hard to walk around and feel normal. I wonder if people can tell theres something wrong with me. That in my mind I'm thinking of whether to go up to someone and ask them to follow me for a no strings attached sex. A stranger. Someone Ive never met and someone Ill hope to never see again after a much needed tryst.

Ive always thought about things like that but not with this intensity. This unidentifiable need to feel someone sliding in and out of me. To feel their hot breath against my neck. To make them kiss me deeply while my legs wrap around them pulling them in closer.

I wonder if its some fucked up way of me needing something that I'm not getting. Sex? Could be? Feeling? Might be. Love? What is that? Is it some way my way of being fulfilled in a way that I'm currently not and me finding it in the arms of someone that I don't have any serious, meaningful or strong relations with.

Or am I just living life and have my hormones fly off the handle because I'm at a certain point in my life where my body needs more sex? Where I should be settling down. Is that the place I am at? Is this all normal for women or men for that matter?

Or is this just the way that things go because its a numbers game and eventually Ill find someone that sticks. Someone that doesn't mind my idiosyncrasies my twisted neurosis. My ever changing double standards. Maybe they mind all the above. Maybe they mind but can live with it because I accept them for theirs. Might even love them because they have their own quirks.

The fucked up thing is. I keep going back to D. He accepts all the quirks that I have. All the mind numbingly silly questions I have. From the things Ive done in the past to some of the things that I'm curious about in the future. He takes it all and doesn't make me feel like a freak.

I guess though... the difference is... He doesn't have to care. He just have to sift through it all and make nice because... he doesn't have to go home to me every night. Its just a part of his day and at night he goes home to his son.

SE? The fastest rising new boy that I have? He might do some damage and actually do something with me. I'm hoping. Ive already broken down and had sex with him. My fault... though I blame it on him too.. but I'm equally to blame. Strange. I didn't have the talk with him that I usually do with most guys I sleep with.

So that puts me in an awkward position. Where to go from here. Its even more awkward that we work together. I know Ive been a huge advocate about not dating anyone I work with. But ... and I'm justifying here or making excuses... call it what you want. But I'm not dating him... were just having sex.

I know he wants more. Hes looking for that someone. That special someone. I am too... in an I'm going to deny it kind of way because I like being single as much as the next married person does.

What do I make of SE? I'm not sure yet. Maybe I shouldn't put any eggs in his basket and let fate do its thing. Its already a bit odd because of other things but I wont rush anything and soon I'm sure he and I will have a talk about details.

A calls me numerous times daily. Sometimes to the point of irritation. Sometimes if I let it go to voicemail. Ill listen to it sometime late and hear his rendition of Mr Wonders 'I just called...' song. As a friend he loves me. As a woman he wants to sleep with me. I know this.

SB calls me on and off to try to have phone sex and Ive never found a way to get out of it politely. In the middle of it you cant just say 'oh I have someone on the other line Ill have to let you go.' or 'you know this isn't really doing anything for me at the moment' The only way Ive found to get out of phone sex is to not let it start at all. Which can be a little tricky but with enough practice and promise of making it up at a later time... (when its to my benefit) Its not so bad.

I'm contemplating adding to the The Soup but because its difficult to keep in touch sometimes it will be at a snails pace. However if there is an addition worthy to share. Ill definitely share.

369 - scared

2009-01-15T16:28:00.002-05:00

I'm in place where Ive turned off my phone, Taken the battery out, removed the chip and placed them all on my bedside table separately.

I don't to get a phone call from A. To talk about whatever we talk about. I don't want to deal with him. I don't want to have to tell him that I'm not interested in him that way. That I'm not the one hes looking for and that I'm not in the same place he is as far as where this relationship is going and whether at some point it will lead to the bedroom.

I don't want to deal with that and I don't want to be the one to say it to him and hurt his feelings. Its just something I don't want to do. If I'm honest I don't want to do that now, or ever.

At the same time I took the phone apart so I don't succumb to the insane feeling of wanting to have sex. I want to have sex so badly it hurts. I cried. I want to call someone...maybe someone in particular. It was someone in particular at the beginning but in the end my mind didn't or wasn't able to distinguish between who what where or when. Just wanted someone. A warm body beside me. A hot body sliding over me inside me and spilling all over me.

I cried because theres something wrong with that. I hold back tears now not wanting them to fall because theres a part of me that's ashamed of this. Of what happened to me earlier to what I went through. Alone. Always alone.

Ive felt that before. Ive written a post on something similar. But not. This time it was different. It was just a pure selfish need to find release with whoever. Someone, anyone.

Whats wrong with me. Nothing tragic has happened in my life. There are a lot of things happening that I cannot control but a lot of it I realize that I have no control over it...

I cant even control myself sometimes. This need, this want. How do I trust myself when I meet someone that it isn't just for the satisfaction of this thing that eats at me if its not fulfilled. A close friend of mine told me once to go to a meeting for people who are addicted to it. I don't think so.

It doesn't happen all the time but its hard to go through. More intense than how I describe my addiction to D. My drug of choice in this respect is D. But hes not here and he wont always be. So i revert to what? What I used to do. Scroll through the list and make a call.

I realize I don't date well because I'm removed from it. I treat it like I do this thing that I have. Not quite a wham bam thank you man but my more finessed way. Its awkward as hell for me but I get through it and end up confused.

Ive dated yes but there has always been a distance. Whether its described as miles or something emotional. Its from me and truth... I'm scared of ever letting anyone that close to ever make me feel hurt because if from what I call relationships if what hurt I felt there is anything compared to really really giving myself over to that person. That would not only break me but might possibly kill me.

So I sit and cry for someone to make it all stop. For someone to make it right. For someone to make ME feel all right. That what I'm feeling isn't wrong. To let me know that I'm not crazy. That Ill get through this and I can control it.

.... That its going to be all right.

Theres a part of me that hates needing someone telling me it will be all right. Why cant I just tell myself and believe it.

368- Phobia

2009-01-14T17:36:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you realize just how lonely and sad you are when you look around and theres no one there. You'll never admit it to anyone that you are but you cant lie to yourself about that... not all the time anyway. No, you cant lie about that all the time to yourself.

You just know theres no one. Just you in this world. Where theres no one you can be sure that's even connected to you. Sometimes its that craving for a connection that makes it seem like I'm marooned on an island feeling how empty it is with just me on it.

Scary sometimes that you only have yourself to rely on. That you are the only one that's there and that no matter how hard you try... your imagination and what it makes of things are just. Images that are made up to make yourself feel better.

I want to make deep connections with people so anchor myself to them and them to me so that my life is in their hands and vice versa. Not just with one person but with many. Would that be fair? To have that kind of connection with more than one person? I'm not sure. But I want that.

Its a little odd not having it. Like theres a part of me that's just waiting for something to happen. On the edge of a knife. Waiting.

I think this is coming from the fact that I want to take care of someone the only way I know how. To serve. It makes me sound submissive and in ways I am and can be. On the other hand I'm dominant... in ways I am and can be. Maybe its that person or connection I'm looking for that allows me to be both or one or the other depending on the situation.

I always want people to be happy. The way I see it is.. if I meet someone that's.... ???!!!??? then why wouldn't I want to make that person happy. I change. Who doesn't though? Who doesn't change even a little bit for the other person. Its inevitable.

But in my mind I do it because I want that person happy. Theres no guarantee that person will return feelings, emotions or anything like that. It would be nice but there is no guarantee. Theres no way of knowing if that person will ever find someone else to love and care for other than you.

Theres a blind trust there that's needed. It terrifies me sometimes because I wouldn't know what to do if it happened to me. If I found someone that didn't .. want me.. anymore or didn't find me.. enough.

Knowing how I am when I get involved with someone I give myself wholly. I don't expect the other person to do it but I do want them to treat me ... gently. If that makes sense.

That's where my commitment phobia comes in. I don't know if I can quite call it a phobia but its something that I'm wary of.

Sometimes Im tough sometimes Im not. Im telling people what Im scared of and in some way its liberating. Just dont give the enemy the knowledge of that. They could really do some damage.

367 - lost and found

2009-01-13T11:25:00.003-05:00

Where have I been? Here, there and nowhere. Time is lost to me and I miss a lot of things, simple things that used to make me happy. Now I steal bits and pieces of happiness where I can.
My life feels different. So much going on, so much I cant share even with you as its all too close to home and would surely give me away. That makes me sad. So Ill generalize as much as can with as much detail as I can.

The house looks good. I’ve unpacked most of my things but there are still some boxes that need to be unpacked. I tell myself there is no hurry and really there isn’t. I have lots of time to do that.
Part of me doesn’t want to complete the process of unpacking as it makes it official, that I am moved in and settled. Do I want to settle? Remember me? The girl scared of commitment and what do I do? Commit myself to a mortgage. That’s years of my life.

That, i’ve been able to deal with. I just tell myself that its rent. That its ok because I have to live somewhere and I would be paying rent somewhere. It just so happens to be a house now.
Its lonely sometimes. Somehow I feel it more at the new house. I’m not sure why or what brought on the more intense feeling of loneliness but its there like a big pink elephant in the room sometimes.

D and I are still doing what were doing. I’m like a junkie and he’s my drug. Addiction sometimes leads to death. I know that wont mean my life… but perhaps a part of me has to die to let that addiction go.

I’m scared of letting any part of me die, of losing myself, even if just a little bit to be able to move forward. Why does that scare me so much? Because then, I might truly be alone. Where I’ve cut off a part of me. That’s what it feels like. Like Ill be cutting off a part of myself.

Strange as I only feel that way when it comes to D. Anyone else that I might be seeing doesn’t affect me the same way. I do know that Ive put myself on a program. It might not be what most people would recommend but however many steps it takes, however slowly the process is, I will be free.

Im just scared of time not being kind to me. For if it takes a lot of time to become free then what will I be at that point? Not myself or just a lesser person. I know Im not getting younger or prettier. Ill never be as young and look as good as I do today. As I did yesterday. I remind myself that Im sacrificing myself taking it slow to be free.

There has to be a price right? Maybe that’s mine along with a piece of my heart and soul.
As for work? That will give me away if I share the details so Ill just say that financially I’m screwed. I used all my savings for the down payment on the house, the move, Christmas, mortgage payments and bills. Now the money coming in doesn’t even come close to what is going out.

Not because of my poor financial planning but because of what is happening at work. Because of what is happening or not happening at work I was depressed for a couple of weeks. Not social, not working out, not eating well. Just wanted to be left alone and didn’t feel motivated to do anything.

After Id wallowed in that for a couple of weeks I pulled myself out and just started to do things. I started to work out at home again which felt great. I had lost some weight in those two weeks and that urged me to commit to losing becoming more toned.

I would like to go on a vacation in three or four months and look even better than I do in a bikini. I’m eating healthier and I’m not going out as much so I can save money. I’m reading more to escape my reality. I’m not sure if that’s good or not but I’m back at the library and go through books like water.

Reading to distract me from what’s happening. To take me to people and places that aren’t connected to me.

The men in my life are still the same. Though SE confuses me as I cant read him or his intentions and that bothers me. He’s all about sex and I don’t want it to be all about that so I take it slow with him and he’s not happy about it.

I think SE will need more coddling than most. He seems more sensitive. He’s already shown he always feels like I’m blowing him off when I’m not able to go to his place because I have other things planned. It is not my fault. I just have plans a lot and sometimes it doesn’t involve him. I wont get into the me not wanting him involved part yet.

So its understandable and I’ve told him I never meant for him to feel like I was blowing him off. I have to mention that I think he’s better looking than I am. I cant explain it or maybe I don’t want to just yet. But he’s a pretty boy. He works out and has a yummy physique that I must admit caught my eye when I first met him at the start of 2008.

Theres a lot of things about him that turn me on and well… maybe Ill share that another time.
A has been promising to take me somewhere on a trip but that hasn’t come to fruition. Ive been hearing about that trip for almost five months. I haven’t had sex with him though I think he will be expecting that if it does materialize. I know that doesn’t make me look good. Ill have to have a talk with him to make sure that there are no expectations of that and other nefarious acts…

Its winter here and its cold. Part of why I feel lonely is because I want to share in someone’s warmth in bed or on the couch. The fireplace just reminds me that theres no one to make love to in front of it.

The Big Dog loves the new house, she specially loves the back yard. The long walks I take her on around the area. She loves that I’m home more than ever because of what’s happening at work.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and 2009 is good to you.

Ive missed ...being here.

366 - faze

2008-11-14T11:05:00.002-05:00

So im excited about moving into the new place but im not excited about the added expenses. I know it will be OK. Its mainly that Im not used to it and once Im used to the routine it will. be fine.

Ive started packing and my place is surrounded by rubbermaid bins and cardboard boxes. Ive packed most of my clothes and left some out that Ill use. For a single girl Im amazed at how much stuff I have.

Lots of boxes of books. Which at some point Ill have to go through and donate someplace. Ive already got a few boxes of clothes that I no longer want. A lot of them still have price tags on them. So that should make people feel better when they see it.

I know I could have a garage sale-sans garage. But its just a hassle that I dont want. So its off to be donated. Same with things that I dont use or take up space and collect dust.

Simplicity is what Im after.

Ive been a bit drained lately. All the running around, getting things in order. Making sure deadlines are met and that Im staying on top of things.

I feel a little bit lost because Im not sure what Im doing. Im not sure what questions to ask and Im not sure if Im missing a step or if theres something more I can do. I have to rely on D and other peoples experiences to see how I move forward.

I am excited about it.

A is thinking of taking me on a trip.
S sent me an email asking if I want him to ______ me
Profuse sweater left me a voicemail
TC called and we caught up on things.

I think the house will take my mind off of D and that will make it a lot easier to faze out what I used to feel. Its already happening but I still like him and we still hang out and have a great time. Though I know. Theres no point in being in a relationship if its not going anywhere.

I mean I can argue both sides but thats the side im leaning on.

365 - good news

2008-11-03T12:28:00.001-05:00

Its been too long. So much has happened. Im putting everything else on hold to post something. It wont be much but I wanted to share in the good news.

I bought a house. I take possession Dec 1st. My last day in my apt is Dec 31st. They couldnt help me work around the 60 day notice. Which is fine as Ill have a month to move.

Im broke because Ive used what Ive saved as my down payment. Im scared that Ill be living in a house where Ill be cold and hungry. Where all I do is work work work to pay off the bills.

My sister is thinking of moving in with me which will be a great help. I dont want to sound desperate but it would really really be a great help. But in case she doesnt. I know Ill be OK. I know that If the bank didnt think I could afford to buy a house they wouldnt have approved me for a motgage. So I can do this.

She will most likely take the basement as that would give us space from each other. As much as I love her and we love each other. There needs to be a space between us so we both dont get too irritated and too into each others faces. More to come on that.

Ill just have to cut back on going out for drinks, dinners, lunches and ill have to stop footing the whole bill when I go out sometimes.

Life will certainly be different but I figure its high time that I stick to and follow a budget.

It feels like such a grown up thing to do. I get teary sometimes and not because of the change in how much and what bills Ill be paying but that I am growing up. Making adult decisions.

Theres a part of me that scared of moving forward because theres the possibility that that parts fun will end. I just have to tell myself that its a different kind of fun that Ill be having. I just have to tell myself its a different part of fun that ill be having.

SB was in town and we had a lovely time together... :)
R was in town and I was sick and didnt want to get him sick so we are going to reschedule for another time.
B is hoping to get together sometime in Nov.
A has offerred to take me on a trip seeing as Ive taken my trip money and used it for the house instead.
SE misses me and has invited me over to his place for drinks. Ive told him I wont sleep with him and he said he would tell his neighbours he did anyway. SE and I work together.
T just bought a motorhome which will be stored for the winter and which he wont be using all winter. Maybe he'll take me on a weekend trip sometime in the summer. I think he will. Hes sweet on me. But we also work together so friends it is.
P called and left me a message and I wasnt able to call him back hence I wasnt able to spend time with him.

Work is going well. One of my girlfriends is going through training later this month. Im excited for her. I hope she does well.

xox

364 - agents

2008-10-14T00:14:00.000-04:00

Looking for a home is very much like a roller coaster. I love roller coasters though this time its a little different. I find I get excited about the idea of buying and moving into a new home then later on something will bring me down about it.

The down part usually involves money. It seems a little daunting sometimes. That people have mortgages. Huge ones. Ive looked at home for $789,000 and some at $200,000. I'm nosy. I want to see what an 800G home looks like and wow. Just more space and bigger payments I guess.

Its all location. So not only am I looking for a place that I will like but I'm looking for a place that other people will like. So I'm thinking of reselling my yet to be found and bought place. So Ive got to be able to ask these questions to my real estate agent.

I'm sure you're curious to find out who Ive decided to go with. I really could have just picked an ad in the paper and called but I wanted to have some kind of reference about who this person is. So I went with D's brother.

Nice guy. Helpful. Doesn't mind that I ask a lot of questions and says its normal for first, second and third time buyers. So the search continues.

I this D is much cuter, if anyone was wondering.

I'm having lunch out today so I can post and blog and use the Internet to look for a home. I have D looking as well. Its nice to have someone help. He knows that I get a little flustered every so often because I honestly feel like a little girl lost in a big world.

I cant thank him enough for being there for me. Anyway. Things are moving forward. Sometimes a little faster than Id like but its moving forward and that's the important thing.

My sister is entertaining a friend from San Diego for close to 2 weeks starting this Thursday. So it will be fun to go out with them and well... Its another reason to go out. Not that I need one but its just more fun now that its with someone we can drag along everywhere.

Its a male friend. Really sweet and nice. He was in Ottawa roughly 3 years ago and there was this fiasco involving a big fight police and lost of tension. No one was arrested and no one was hurt but ties were broken and relationships were tested.

So belated Happy Thanksgiving!! (Canadian Thanksgiving that is) I didn't prepare the big meal for it this time. Ill be doing Christmas Dinner... hopefully at my new place. Depends if things go that fast.

I know you weren't wondering what I did this past weekend. THIS is where I went. I brought my sister and two of her friends. O and K. Both fun guys. On the phone before going I told her I wasn't driving as I wanted to get a little bit on the intoxicated side. I made her promise not to let me make out with O or K as I don't want to blur the lines.

We both had a great time. I haven't drank like that in a while and it was great. I was a little amorous at the end of the night and knew that D was out with his friends too and well....

363 - Long Update

2008-10-08T12:22:00.005-04:00

I realize I haven't been posting again. Not that I don't want to. Its difficult without the Internet at home and having to go somewhere who has WI-FI that I can use.

Every so often Ill go to catch up as much as I can which isn't as much fun as being at home lazing around in whatever I think feels comfy and tapping away on the laptop.

So I will now update you as much as I can on what it happening as chronological as I can. I cant guarantee it will be in order though. Close but not 100%.

As far as work goes I am getting more and more comfortable with the things I have to do and it feels like I am settling in fine.

The men at work are a little funny sometimes but I try not to stay around more than I have to and those I do stay to talk to are usually the ones that are able to help me when I need it.

The others tend to ask me to hang out with them to do... nothing. A few want to go out with me even when Ive told them of my no dating coworkers rule. They will have to be satisfied with going out every so often for dinner.

No that still doesn't count as a date because I insist on taking separate cars. I choose the time and place and I pay half. Unless they give me that glare that some men give when its time to pay and they don't want any arguments about who is taking care of the bill. Its still not a date. There is no hand holding, no touching on my part of any kind to encourage them to think its a date and I will decline if the offer to walk me to my car is thrown out there. Last but not least, there is no goodnight kiss.

The above also goes for breakfast and lunches.

An example of one of the men from work.
Man - 'You have beautiful hair.'
Darling - Thank you
Man - Its always shiny and always looks healthy.
Darling - I cant take all the credit, I have good genes. My parents take some of the credit.
Man - I always want to touch it when I see you. It must feel silky and soft.
Darling - --------------------------? (politely smiles and nods)
Man - May I... May I braid your hair?
Darling - -------------? (feels like Ive walked into a hall of creepy)
Man - Ive very good at it... (waiting for me to say something as its been awhile)
Darling - Oh... Uhh... Ive decided to wear my hair down today and braids wouldn't be good today.
Man - Oh OK well, maybe another time then. Id love to touch your hair.
Darling - Oh look at the time. I have to rush now. Take care!

My birthday was last month. I meant to post something but the lack of Internet connection makes it challenging. Went out with family and friends for many meals and beverages. Got many phone calls and cards. Felt a little sad that this is my last year in my 20's. Though the good news is that people usually think I'm 23-24 years old.

I cant decide if that's because of how I act or how I look. That and whether its a good thing or not that they think I'm younger. Looking young is good, Feeling young is good but it depends on blah blah blah how I act and if its good or not.

Ill still go on the side that its all good and better to be though of as younger in different ways. Again that's thanks to the good genes. I do realize that that only gets me so far and I need to make sure that I take care of myself.

As far as the Internet goes. Im looking at this (hope it works) click here USB Mobile Internet
Side note. I figured out how to put a link in my posts :)

OK well I realized my sister has been getting all sorts of Credit cards in the mail and though Ive told her to be careful I find out shes roughly 1600$ in the red at around 28% interest. This cannot turn out well since shes under the impression she has money when she charges her purchases.

So I am soon to intervene due to the fact that I refuse to be peoples personal banking loan family member. I will help if needed but not before I help them turn things around. So I think some of it has to do with the fact that shes offered to pay some nights we've gone out. But that's not the only reason I'm sure.

So I'm cutting back on some things I know costs a lot and making sore that we still have time together. I get the heeby jeebies knowing I have a balance of 500 on my Visa. This is very much attractive to me to try and help her out and get her to figure out her finances.

My brother on the other hand has been a little ---- I'm not sure what the word is. My sister, brother and I have gone out here and there and I never mind taking care of the bill. I realize I make more money than both of them and Its family.

My sister realizes this and she tries to every so often cover the bill. This makes me happy. The whole give and take factor. I don't expect her to ever cover all the bills when we go out. So when she does. Its very sweet and I appreciate it.

My brother on the other hand, never offers and actually does the opposite. When the bill comes. He'll take a look at it and my sister and I will be pulling out our wallets. He sees my sister do this and tells her not to worry that 'she can pay for it, she makes more money' Meaning me.

I know this, my sister knows this and of course my brother knows this. We just never say it out loud and make it so its awkward. Until then.

I cant get mad at him for it so I shrug and handle the payment. I'm not affected by it. He just stated the truth. After 3 -4 times of him stating the truth out loud at the end of a night. My sister points out a few facts about who actually males the most money out of the 3 of us.

Its not me if you were wondering. I have an apartment, car insurance, and the other miscellaneous things that most people have. It happens to be my brother who makes the most money as he doesn't have some bills that I do.

Anyway. Its getting a little irritating to hear him cry 'poor' when hes not. Ive never complained when handing over my Visa. I don't mind it. But wen it comes with comments that I don't really care for. I have to wonder where the line is when it comes to family and the need to put people in their place.

My car just had rear brakes done. I feel safer and better now that I can stop safely on a rainy day.

D and I are D and I. I'm starting the process ... again of pulling away. Its just not working. How I want it to. I realize nothing will work the way I want it to. In some ways it works in others its not.

I'm in conflict with myself and its a tug of war, a constant battle and add anything that sounds similar and means the same. So Ive been a little bit more upfront in telling him what it is I need and whenever he can accommodate that would be nice. Though he takes it a little too literally which makes me feel like hes making fun of me and makes me feel like I'm demanding.

All I want is to make the most of the time we do spend together so that (here is where it sounds bad) so that I am satisfied. I'm not asking for mountains to be built. For example the convo last night...

Darling - OK so I have a request.
D - k...
Darling - I know we cant always have sex when were together due to certain things, schedules, locations... But that doesn't mean we cant say ... make out.
D - Well... making out usually makes me want to have sex.
Darling - Oh me too, for me that's OK. It just means ill want to have sex with you and knowing I cant have sex with you then will make when we do... more intense.
D - Is that how it works?
Darling - for me... I guess so. I know its not all about sex but I do like just making out sometimes and I know its always about sex.
D - I do try
Darling - Really?
D - yeah but we usually end up having sex after.
Darling - (smiles) that's not a bad thing at all. Not my plan but it those cases we can indulge and move from making out to sex.
D - Not a bad thing for either of us.
Darling - I know sometimes you're tired and sex isn't on the menu. I just figure making out instead can be since its not all about sex.
D - OK how about sex tomorrow night and Thursday your place for an hour.
Darling (teasing) a whole hour? You have a busy day I'm not sure it will be a whole hour.
D - OK 30 minutes of cuddling no sex
Darling - What? Are you kidding?
D - Well you said its not all about sex.
Darling - Yeah but... but... (flustered) I meant on nights and times when you are tired and you don't want to have sex.
D - well........ Ill leave it up to you....

I was annoyed. Felt like he was twisting my words. I left without saying goodbye. He sent a text saying that wasn't very nice. I didn't reply. He called and said that wasn't very nice. I said I'm glad he realizes that it wasn't very nice, hoping he'd know I meant him.

We were both irritated. It was late at night. Didn't want to talk about it or argue. The wind left my sails. I just reminded myself that its just what it is. Friends. Me expecting things makes it that much harder. So I'm trying not to expect anything.

Which means I am going on a date next week with SB when hes in town. R is coming a week after and we'll do dinner somewhere. B is planning a trip to Ottawa in November. I'm undecided but will probably see him. M is on hold as timing is very difficult when it comes to seeing each other.

Profuse sweater is still persistent and most of the time that will work. In his case it wont.

On a more personal note. This post has gone long. The good and scary news is I'm in the market to buy a house. Though I think more and more that it will be a condo. Id prefer a house but I might have to wait a few years until I get there.

Its a little stressful. I'm still a girl and feel like its a big big world out there for me. So many things for me to do to learn and figure out. This whole house hunting thing feels a bit much and I kind of want to find someone to just pick a house for me and say 'this is it'.

D is helping me with it. I'm glad. I would drag my feet and shop for a really long time if he wasn't around. Ive already been pre approved. Not its just a matter of finding one that I like and can live with.

One of my girlfriends is going through the stages to work at the same place I am. I'm a little torn about that. On one hand I'm happy as its a better company to work for. On the other and more personal hand. Ill become the shadow... or the friend no one sees.

I miss blogging. I haven't been writing much of anything and I think its draining having it all in my mind. Writing/blogging is an outlet I should continue to do.

xox

My Inbox

2008-10-03T10:47:00.000-04:00

I really want to chat-

... just to have my hands move up and down your body...with your cloths still on id move down to your firm ass and finally end by slowly rubbing your inner thighs...just to hear you moan...id rub the outside of your pussy for a few seconds and then slowly make my way up along your stomach toward your breasts...if you were wearing a tshirt my hand would slip underneath slowly lifting the shirt to reveal your perfect breasts...you would feel my breath above and between both of them...licking and sucking your nipples...one of my hands squeezing one while I suck on the other...Id start to make my way up to your chin with my lips, slowly kissing around you mouth, just as im about the finally kiss you...id pull away and look deep into your eyes for a yes.

Dream, Fantasy, Truth or Fiction

2008-09-15T19:24:00.000-04:00

He emits so much warmth that I wiggle backwards so my back is to his front. His arm wraps around me and his hand lays flat on my heart, warming me even there. We drift off to sleep for a while. The blinds have been closed but we both know its still bright out. I feel the twitches of sleep here and there, I smile, a little nap in the middle of the day, so indulgent.

Soon I drift off as well. Some time has past and I am slowly wakened by the feel of his finger moving back and forth on me, just barely touching, but I can feel it throughout my body. I find myself on my back and can feel his teeth gently bite down on my earlobe. I take in a sharp breath and clench my teeth slightly.

His finger moves methodically. Down an inch for small circles and up an inch for small strokes all making my breaths quicken, my legs to lift and soon parts of me start to shake. He moves his body over me and slips himself inside slowly. He presses into me slowly so that I can feel him opening me wider and wider. I hold my breath and cry out in pleasure as he pushes himself inside me deeply.

My eyes open and I see him looking back at me. We've both just woken and were in a haze of awareness, of want and need. He leans down and kisses me. Our lips dance and play while our bodies are tangled in a slow dance. My mind wants more, wants intense. My body is enjoying the pleasures and I let my body win. Enjoying the slow dance but imagining the more and the intense.

Soon I feel myself tightening around him and he knows. He moves like he knows whats happening to me. He moves so that I wrap my arms around him and pull him into me deeper. My face buried in his neck to take me. To let him know that I'm there. That I'm holding on and not letting go. To continue.

He does, not changing his tempo. Just letting me ride wave after wave. He moans in my ear 'I love feeling you cum all over me'

362 B - leper

2008-09-04T00:09:00.001-04:00

leper - I do have a request. If possible, the next time were together, it would be really nice if you could rub my back... or something.

jerk - No I dont do that. I dont rub backs or feet.

leper - What do you mean...?

jerk - I just dont do that. I dont like getting massages or having my feet touched so I dont do that to anyone.

leper - Oh... Ok... I mean its not for you to enjoy... its well... its selfish. I would really enjoy it if you did that.

jerk - No I dont do that.

leper - Really?

jerk - Yes really.

leper - ... Uhh... Ok I get it...

jerk - Thats something I wont do. I dont say no to other things that youve asked for but this I wont do. I accomodate everything else youve asked for.

leper - I see.

jerk - Yeah, No I wont do that.

leper - (shocked into silence)

jerk - (keeps saying in different ways that he doesnt do that and no he wont and thats the end of it and its just not happening)

leper - OK, you dont have to keep repeating it. I heard you the first time.

I took it personally. I felt really rejected. My first reaction. Attack on me personally. There must be something wrong with me. Why doesnt he want to touch me. Am I dusgusting.

I know you dont like it when people give you massages or touch your feet. Its just something that I would really like and enjoy and in my mind. I was thinking thats what people who like each other do for each other. Make little sacrifices like that. Make considerations.

I might not like it but he does so to make them happy Ill do it. Ill explain it like that in maybe nicer ways but so they know that I care... Ill do it...

Is that too weird, odd and Is my thinking screwed up? If so then I will apologize to him and change the way I think But I thought it was a simple request. Rub my back. I didnt realize that Id be made to feel like a leper.

He doesnt care does he?

362 A - losing it

2008-09-03T23:53:00.001-04:00

I lost it on D. Like any woman would lose it. Brought up all sorts of things and apologized and cried and wanted and needed. All for what? To get it out. To let it out. Will it change anything? Probably how he sees me. Other than that. Ive accepted the fact that ties might be cut. I'm not sure. We shall see.

Now I'm just like all the other women out there. Crazy and irrational. Damn. I thought I was better than that. What do you know. I'm not. I'm beating myself up over it and I know I shouldn't but I am. Its all part of the process for me to let it go and forget about it. Soon after I find the eject button for all this nonsense, Ill be back to myself

I need to have sex. My outlet. Just lose myself in some anonymous physical release. Take me to a cloud of bliss. Orgasms. Anonymity. Sex. Sweat. I just want to forget.

I'm so screwed up. I don't know who would put up with me. Could put up with me. I think Ill be single forever because I don't want people to have to 'deal' with me. I'm too much to handle. The intensity of my feelings are just too much.

Sometimes I think that I don't want to put people in that situation where they have to deal with the intense me. Because its too much. How can one person handle it. I don't know. Maybe that's my way of saying I don't want to handle anyone else's intensities, issues, problems.

I'm selfish you see. I guess. I mean if I cant find someone who can deal with me. Work with me when I get like this then how am I expected to deal with someone else's issues when I myself want someone to help me deal with mine.

I need some help. O want to scream and shout and peel back my skin and crawl out of myself just to go. Get out. Be someone else. Be somewhere else. Not me, not here.

ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

361 - wedding bells

2008-09-01T18:02:00.001-04:00

D’s weekend was full of wedding details. Someone else’s wedding of course. If it were his, this post would be a very different kind of post. More negative and leaning towards the male bashing. D being the specific male that Id be bashing. This is however not the case. Thank marshmallows.

So back to his weekend and my thoughts on marriage. It scares me. Maybe its one, two or a few things that scares me. Like out of all the people in this world, out of all the men in this world, of all the men that might make an appearance in my life in some way, shape or form.

One of them, may just one day be someone I decide I am able to share my life with. That seems to be a huge issue as I'm not sure that it might ever happen. That’s just me being negative and modest with some humble pie.

It is kind of scary in the fact that it will be one person to live with day in and day out. To support each other sexually, mentally, emotionally, financially and spiritually to name a few. One person who will be there for you and you for him in times of need, success, failures and all that comes in between.

Its all fantastic to want to find someone to share all of the above with. Its just difficult to find that person. Maybe for some its not difficult. Maybe that’s the wrong word. Ive heard that it happens when the time is right, when you aren’t looking.

Another part of it is finding someone that will be able to satisfy all the things that one person needs. Someone to laugh with, hang out with, play with, live with, grow with, work with and so on.

With all the stories of spouses cheating, with the times that people spend apart when they could spend it together. When people ignore or become complacent and take each other for granted how are people supposed to choose just one person whom they wont do those with.

I know it happens to us all and we do it to people we know, whether they are friends, family or coworkers. I guess the mental picture in my mind of marriage is a bit of a fairy tale.

Maybe its me that needs to change the way I think. Maybe it’s me that expects too much. I’m not discounting that fact. It very well may be the reason that’s holding me back from finding The One and deciding that its time for that chapter in my life.

I like the fairy tale in my mind. I know it needs work. I admit to being open about change. Maybe.. I’m holding onto the fairy tale tightly because I'm scared.

I'm scared for many reasons. Some maybe ill get into another time. For now. I like the idea of weddings. The celebration, the gathering of friends and family to watch two people tie the knot.
In the back of my mind I recall the stats on divorce and reasons for it. But I still wish them all the best and hope that they are able to continue to grow, live and move forward together.

360 - ?

2008-08-29T23:14:00.000-04:00

Darling - Did you call me because you missed me? I think you did.

No reply for a while.

Darling - Hmmm I guess not, darn.

A while later I am out having drinks with my sister.

D - Are you out?

I miss his first text as my cell is in my purse on vibrate.

D - Are you out?

Darling - Yes, what do you have planned?

No reply from him for a while and I can feel the questions.

D - Just drinks, K have fun call me tomorrow

Darling - I see.

Now he has a date. Drinks with someone. Now Im all huffy and wondering who it is and why he has to be a party pooper for me. I have a moment of sadness replaced with the knowledge of 'oh well'.

Darling - Are you ok?

D - Dont want to interrupt your date

Darling - If it makes you feel better Im out with my sister and not out on a date.

D - Have fun

How hes pulling a suck. Guess it happens to everyone now and then.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

During the day.

Darling - Thanks for talking me through that. It turned out really well and I had no problems with it. It wasnt hard at all.

D - Theres nothing hard at work except me.

Darling - Hmmm Ill need to see it to make sure

D - Nahhh you have a date tonight.

Darling - Tease

D - Maybe next time.

---------------------------------------------------------------

The following morning. Where the night before I had a date to go for drinks with someone from The Soup.

D - What no call or texts letting me know you got home safe?

Darling - :) I was home at 11:30. Nothing crazy. Did you miss me?

D - Im kidding.

Darling - Damn I thought you actually cared.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Darlings Double D's

2008-08-24T11:27:00.000-04:00

Don't drink 1.5 litres of water in 15 minutes. You end up taking a stroll to the lavatory more often than is socially acceptable. Its a great thing to do though to drink water. So make sure that you continue that. Just... not all at once. Im not sure the body appreciates it very much.

Do prepare a meal for people you enjoy with the people you enjoy. Its a great way to bring people together and the end result sometimes isnt as important as the time spent together. Have wine to toast each other and the good things in life.

Don't walk barefoot in sketchy areas. Its not just rocks and gravel on the ground. Be careful and be safe.

Do walk with confidence. Even if you dont feel confident. It translates and it will come. People will notice and will gravitate towards you.

359 - working late

2008-08-23T22:03:00.002-04:00

Stranger - Red looks good on you.

I look down to make sure Im wearing what I had decided on earlier at home. Black. The only red Im wearing is underneath. Matching red.

How does he...? I wonder.

I smile and say thank you. I wasnt quite sure how to respond to his observation so I decided on thank you.

Stranger - I was wondering if you liked massages.

Hesitantly... I say yes I do, who doesnt enjoy them?

Stranger - Well in that case why dont I give you one?

Darling - oh well... Im on my way home its been a long day.

Stranger - arent you working?

I wonder... At 11:30 at night? who works that late?
Then it dawns on me who works that late...

I spoke to a couple of my male friends and they asked me what I was wearing and I told them and they smiled and said well... if you looked that good... in that area... that might give a man the wrong impression, specially if they were at a nearby strip club and feeling amorous.

Interesting.

Blog addition - Escapa!

2008-08-18T10:44:00.001-04:00

If you have a moment take a look at what Ive added to the blog.

Another game called Escapa!

Its fun and very addictive.

Good luck and have fun!!

My Inbox

2008-08-17T19:48:00.001-04:00

You turn me on beautifully let us see if I can do the same. I am a lusty man that wants to get dirty. I have been fantasizing about meeting a girl and just totally dominating her. Shoving her head down between my legs and making her lick my dick.

Or maybe you're wearing nothing but a short dress. And maybe we could go back to your place and as soon as we shut the door you have your hands all over me. Pulling up my t-shirt and sucking on my eager nipples... While reaching up your dress and i am feeling your smooth pussy... Fingering your clit with my thumb and feeling you shiver and moan against me...

Pushing you down on the bed and gently putting my head between your legs. you eagerly spread your legs and wait for me to start licking you. But instead i tease you with my tongue and pinch your nipples. The sweet, teasing torture drives you absolutely crazy until you are begging me to tongue your eager pussy.

You feel my tongue unrelentingly slide up and down and in and out of your eager, dripping wet slit. You want more and more and more. I start fingering you deep inside and touching your g-spot and sucking your clit with my tongue. You can not help but writhe and grind your horny cunt against my face.

Finally you orgasm and spray juices all over me. Or maybe I decide you must feel MY huge cock engulfed by YOUR tight, warm, wet hole. So I turn you around and bend you over the couch and just jam my thick cock inside you. You can feel the unrelenting pounding against all your pleasure spots. My thick, massive cock stretches your pussy in the most orgasmic way.

As I am doing this you are fingering my ass. The I just grab you from behind and fuck you in the most ruthless way. You are moaning from pleasure overload. You can feel your cunt tightening up. Waves of pleasure shoot through your soaking wet and dripping cunt.

I grab and play with your nipples and you buck and writhe so hard it is hard for me to keep my cock inside you. But I do and I keep on pounding you as waves of pleasure flood through you. Your tight pussy squeezing my cock as you cum over and over again and it is so pleasurable you almost pass out. Finally i pull out my huge cock and cum all over your face.

I am looking for someone to share some darker fantasies. I will want to meet you but I really love sharing some dirty stories first.

358 - meeting

2008-08-10T19:18:00.000-04:00

My sister and I went out for drinks and I sent D a text message asking him if he wanted to come out for a drink with us. I wasnt expecting him to say yes but he did. Strange hes been throwing me off a lot lately. Doing things that I dont think he will and all that.

So he met us after he was finished work. I felt nervous. Him meeting my sister and my sister meeting D. Makes it more real. I hope they get along.

I get all body conscious when I'm around my sister. Shes very pretty in an attention grabbing kind of way. My kind of pretty isn't the same. Was I a little insane in thinking he would all of a sudden not find me attractive after spending time with my sister? Yes.

That was completely insane and didnt even come close to reality. He didnt stay long as he had a long day and had an early morning coming up. So we laughed, we talked and had a good time. Im not sure what his impression was I havent asked him. Im not sure if I can ask that question.

I probably will ask. I dont seem to have a mute or a censor button when it comes to asking him questions. I feel better that he met my sister and vice versa. D and I have known each other for over a year and though he has seen my sister and I together in passing and she asked him to use his cell to get ahold of me one time while he was at work.

That was the first time we all sat down and just hung out. A few things I wonder. Why it took so long. What it means that its taken so long and why would he say yes to meeting her and hanging out now? and not before?

I dont know if Ill ever get those answers and if I do get them I dont know if I will be satisfied with them. So its a wait and see. Filed under not important but curious to find out if it comes out one day.

357 - delicate

2008-08-03T20:10:00.003-04:00

AR hasn't returned a couple of my calls. Im assuming AR is no longer interested so Ill give AR another call sometime this week and see whats happening. I am not in the mood to play coy or play games at this junction and would like to know whether I should remove AR from The Soup.

I'm thinking that R should be removed but I want to know for sure by speaking with them and getting it out so theres no confusion. I am a little disappointed in AR for letting it get to this point.

Get some balls AR if you aren't interested then politely say so. Games are for little kids who don't know any better. Or maybe that's it. More growing up has to be done. If so then thats OK these things happen. I just don't want to be party to games that I wont enjoy.

A. Oh A what to say about him. I asked him if he wanted to go away for the weekend seeing as I have a long weekend. I have Monday off from work so I thought this may be a good time to spend together as its difficult for some reason to find time to get together.

Understandably as he lives a few hours from me. Its not feasible to have any sort of relationship but a friendship. Though I thought, since time was an issue, spending the weekend away together would be fun and would be a good idea.

I felt a little bit like I was offering myself on a silver platter and strangely I was turned down. Other plans he said to go visit friends. I have to admit I felt a little rejected and I was definitely turned off. So I thought there was his chance for ... something to happen and its not happening... ever.

Apparently he was interested in an actual relationship, something more than friendship. Why did I not see this earlier? I must be losing it. A bit. It always happens this way. Most of the time. He asked me about it and I was a little bit abrupt not as sweet as I usually am.

I mentioned that it was difficult for us to find time to have lunch or see each other for dinner. I couldn't see how a relationship would work long distance as we couldn't even get together for lunch or dinner. it made sense in my mind but it might have sounded a little harsh to him so he got off the phone quick fast after that.

It was a little shocking to me as he also mentioned that if he could fix the distance part as in move to Ottawa to be closer then would we have a relationship? I was shocked and again was a little abrupt. I just said that it was hard to say because theres a few things that make it an issue as in age. Hes quite older than I am and he realizes that.

I don't have anything against men who are older. In fact I find myself attracted to older men. Of course other things come to play such as chemistry, compatibility and so on. Anyway. I don't really see any type of relationship that is more than being friends.

Something didn't click in that department when we first met. Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't. So I think I might have hurt his ego a little bit but we shall see.

P has been helpful. A little bit on the constantly calling and texting me even when Ive mentioned that I need some time alone to work things out. He doesn't listen very well but I know his intentions are good. Theres plans for me in the new year to visit him. We shall see.

A little on the jealous side. Actually a lot on the jealous side. He knows about D and is a bit odd when it comes to that. Hes sent me text messages such as 'I'm glad we get along well, I hope you don't fall in love without me.'

Meaning he wants me for himself and doesn't want me to leave him. This too is something of a long distance thing. Now if you think its safer to have a long distance thing with someone think again. You've got to be more delicate with them.

Sometimes I don't feel like being delicate.

356 - fairy tale

2008-07-27T19:41:00.000-04:00

I've mentioned this before. The Fairy Tale. Finding someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, being happy and growing, loving and learning together.

Talking with D. Makes me sad thinking about it because it doesn't seem like people want that. Even though they get married. Make that commitment to each other. There comes a time when you find out that while they love each other. One will find themselves in a position where they find someone else to share a part of themselves. Whether mentally or sexually.

I say mentally because sometimes we talk to people about something that we should be talking to our partners about. I dont know. I mean Im not in a relationship so this could all be in my head. Probably.

But it makes me think that if I ever find that person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Will that person want the same thing I do? Will he be faithful to me and not levae me for a younger better looking woman. Or will the temptation of something no strings attached me so great that he goes for it.

After all. If I don't ever find out will it hurt me? Would I want to know. Its different thinking about that question as a single girl. As I know my answer would be different compared to if I was in a relationship.

I know that... in some cases... ignorance is bliss.

Then I think is that just the chickens way of thinking? Of not dealing of sweeping things under the rug. Im not sure. Maybe.

If I turn it around would I want to tell someone I was with that I had a fling with someone else. Thats a while other post that Im not ready to deal with.

The point of the post? Im not encouraged. There are so many people who are in relationships that somehow manage to have secrets. Another man or another woman. A weekend tournament becomes home for hook ups and one nighters.

If this is what becomes of a relationship. Why do I want that? Why go into one knowing that its possible that this might become a reality. That I might have to deal with the pain and rejection and all that comes with it.

The other part of me, from a distant place inside me and in a faint voice barely heard answers. Why? Because the other possibilities are also available for you.

The verdict? Im not hopeful at the moment. This makes me feel like I will be single for a long long time. Not that theres anything wrong with it. I enjoy it and make it work for me.

The reason for this topic?

D and I had a conversation and it didnt bode well for the image I had of 'us' in the future. The image changed to us in a relationship and him having someone on the side.

Maybe what I cant deal with is that in that same image theres a qusstion mark above me showing the uncertainty of whether I would have someone else on the side as well.

That was the most disturbing part.

The reassuring part is that I dont want anyone else.

355 - common sense

2008-07-23T20:29:00.000-04:00

Ds was gone for the weekend. A friend of his is getting married in September and they went to the US for the weekend.

His friends fiance called him on his cell and told him to make sure to show him a really really good time. She wants him to come back with a smile on his face.

I found that kind of odd as she doesn't really like D and thinks hes a really bad influence. Little does she know its the other friend that is the bad influence. Some people just want to believe what they want to. Im a victim to that as well so Im not only pointing fingers. I know enough to admit things like that.

So he was gone for the weekend. I felt like painting the town red. Doing something crazy. Doing something like hooking up with someone random. I wont. I'm too shy for that and I'm not the pick me up in a bar and take me home kind of girl.

Even after having too much to drink I still have some common sense. Enough to say no and get me home alone in my bed.

Though there are times where I wish that common sense would just go away. Just let it happen, see what happens if I didn't say no. Thats just a fleeting thought as I'm very happy to have common sense. There doesnt seem to be enough in some people, I wouldnt want to wish it away now.

But there is a small if strong presence inside me that wants and needs to be let out every so often. Its the naughty side. This side gets let out with a select group of people who I know will take care of me when I totally lose it.

So this whole thing with D? Just friends. I know Ive posted this topic to death but its still alive and active in my life so Ive got to let it out somehow.

I'm happy to report that I am getting better at this. At this friends with bennies situation. It dawned on me as I was at work one day a couple of weeks ago. That I don't have to see his bad habits. That I don't have to put up with dirty socks or dishes that he might leave around the place.

Whenever we do get together its fun. Its a good time and then we go our separate ways do our thing and get together once we've done all that and we can meet each other and have more fun.

Dream, Fantasy, Truth or Fiction

2008-07-18T21:01:00.000-04:00

After sharing orgasms with someone. Lying next to each other in bed. Body trembling, temperature high, catching our breaths. I know I can have another. I want to have another orgasm. I can feel how easy it would be if only.. only this time theres something else

The other part that needs satisfaction. I need to be touched, stroked and held. It doesn't come. My body inches closer to him so our shoulders touch. Its not enough. I want more. I turn so I'm laying on my side facing him. He is lying on his back, his hand lays on his chest, palm down.

Dare I? My hand over his, my fingers slipping in between his fingers. Moving back and forth. I lift his hand to slip my other hand underneath and cross fingers with his. I feel nothing. I desperately want to feel something but I don't.

I feel embarrassed for taking such luxuries. Maybe I should have asked. Maybe I caught him off guard. But I know that I wont find what I'm looking for here.

There is no cuddling, there is no soft murmurs into my neck, no gentle kisses on my shoulder. No wiggling back into his warmth.

I tell myself that its OK. It makes me sad but maybe Ill be happy if we just lay in the same bed for a while. Soon even that is taken away as he gets up and gets dressed. It's done.

354 - workings of my mind

2008-07-13T11:52:00.000-04:00

What do I truly deserve? That is a good question. I'm not sure if I can have anything but a biased answer. What do I want? I can answer that but would it be what I deserved? I know what I need and I also question if that's what I deserve. Other peoples idea of what I deserve is just that an opinion. Some good, some bad and some just plain unrealistic.

By denying myself something am I intentionally hurting my chances of getting what I deserve?

When it comes to D I'm lost with that question. I know I cant have him to myself. So I make the best of it? I'm not sure why I added that question mark by the way. I was going to delete it but I decided to leave it there and think about it another time.

Its overcast here. I'm sitting on my balcony with The Big Dog. Enjoying the weather. Somehow it feeds my emotions for the day. It feels like nothing is happening in the city. Like everyone is quiet and resting. Time to contemplate and blog :)

That's not the case of course. Theres so many things happening today. Business as usual, The Bluesfest is on. People are recovering from H.O.P.E beach volleyball and so on.

Back to my meanderings. I was seriously thinking of what and where this thing is going with D. I was scared that at some point I would look back and think that Ive wasted my time, that I stopped myself from meeting other people and going out with other people for him. Sometimes it happens. More often than not actually you know how that works. Whether its happened to you or someone you know. They meet someone, immersed themselves in the relationship and slowly distanced themselves from friends, family and other people to focus on their relationship and each other.

D and I agreed we didn't want it to ever come to that point. One day last week something in my mind turned, a light was turned on. One could look at it that way. Or you could also look at it this way, that another light has burnt out and I found another excuse.

The realization was that this might be as good as it gets with D. I say that and sometimes depending on my mood I'm sad. Other times it makes so much sense.

I look at it this way. Whenever D and I get together. Its always good times. Its going out for drinks after work. Having breakfast, lunch or dinner. Having great conversations. Enjoying each other mentally and sexually. Being honest with where we stand and try and help each other out when we are able to.

We spend a lot of time together talking, sharing and laughing. Its all good times. Even with the times where I have moments of confusion and want more than I can have. Its still good that were that open and can talk about it all and work things out if we can.

Its all good times. Rarely is there an argument. When one of us, mainly me has an issue to bring up, we talk about it. I let it out, share it, get it out of my head and system so it doesn't stew and get worse. We talk about it. He helps me understand, he explains and that reminds me that hes a great person and I want to stay friends and not ruin that.

I don't know what his bad habits are. What his little things he does that annoy me are unknown. I see him and spend time with him and its fun. Theres always things to talk about and always something to look forward to when we go our separate ways.

So I ask myself how can it get better than it is. How will us say.. living together make it better. When then Ill have to reveal maybe how anal I am about things. How I might find out how he puts in a new roll of toilet paper. How he might not pick up after himself.

Its as good as it gets I think. For now. Don't get me wrong. I'm a die hard fan of the fairy tale of holy matrimony and happily ever after. I just don't think it will happen soon. Now. Maybe ever. But there is still hope.

So in the meantime am I denying myself? Yes. Am I being denied something that I deserve? Maybe. Its all relative and all in ones perspective. But when it comes with an understanding and a little twist of way of thinking. I think that maybe one might think I am others might think I'm really smart for keeping things the way it is.

I know that I am seeing other people. So to me that can be seen as not closing the door on the possibility of what I deserve.

Welcome to the workings of my mind. However twisted or brilliant. Whichever way you want to look at it.

353 - denied

2008-07-08T22:56:00.002-04:00

Went out for dinner with someone I work with. Last minute idea of mine. I didn't feel like dining alone and my sister had cancelled on me. One of my girlfriends doesn't know how to use her cell phone which shes had for about a year. So I decided to call C to celebrate his birthday. It was July 4th so I'm a bit late but that's OK. I was able to kill two birds with one stone tonight.

Not be alone for dinner and take him out for dinner. Though I think he thought it was a date. It was not a date. Not to me anyway.

I wore a nice dress a litter cleavage showing but I had my hair down to cover it up so it wasn't all out there on display.

He made a few comments about dating and giving it time before falling in love and fooling around when I straight out said that I didn't date anyone that I work with. I laughed and hope he knows I'm serious.

Apparently not as he asked me to come up to his place afterwards. I declined. I don't want to go there and blur the lines that Ive drawn for myself. Friends only C, friend only.

I went out with AR last night which was fun. Late night drinks at a pool hall but we didn't play pool. Just drank and talked and had a grand time. Its getting to the point where its time to decide which direction this is all going. to the direction of a bedroom or to the friendship circle.

Its a little more complicated than I'm sharing but I cant go into details at the moment that would just give it all away. So Ill leave it to you to mull over.

We've planned on going for lunch this Friday.

Oh and seeing as dinner tonight was last minute. D was taken by surprise. He had planned on meeting up with me after he was done work so we could grab a bite to eat but I didn't know that was what he had planned.

I spoke to him as I was waiting outside the restaurant while C talked to the owner who was also his friend.

Darling - Where are you?

D - Grabbing a bite to eat. I thought we were going to go out tonight.

Darling - Sorry about that I didn't know.

D - Did you now get my text messages about it?

Darling - The only one I got regarding food or eating was 'I'm hungry'

D - Yeah that its.

Darling - Just so you know I don't consider that asking to go out after work.

D - Well I wanted to go out with you tonight.

Darling - How was I to figure that out from that message? That wasn't asking me out.

In my head I wanted to be with him tonight. I like being with him. Its always a good time. In my head I was a little hurt that he didn't ask me. In my heart I knew that I was looking for something that I wouldn't find. With D.

So I'm going out. Making plans. Doing things. I don't always tell D ahead of time like dinner tonight. He only found out minutes before I went into the restaurant and I didn't pick up my phone when it vibrated in my purse.

D and I did have sex :) That was on the menu for lunch today. I wanted him to stay a little longer afterwards but it wasn't a good time so I felt a bit rejected even though he was very attentive to me pleasure wise.

I guess I want it all. Ive told him things that I needed and hes been very good at working on it but I'm just not sure Ill ever get what I want. I doubt it which brings me to this point.

How long am I willing to continue being denied what it is I want and am looking for.

352 - reading into

2008-07-06T21:36:00.001-04:00

D - 2:06 where are you?

D - 2:06 where are you?

D - 2:07 where are you?

D - 2:08 I think Im heading home

D - 2:08 Tell me youre close

D - 2:09 K, goodnight... I guess

D - 2:09 Where are you?

D - 2:09 Last call

This was a night I had to work late and he finished earlier than I did. We had seen each other for breakfast and lunch. Spoke to each other on the phone in between and in between phone calls and meeting each other. Text messaging each other.

I was running late and couldnt hurry any more than I was and didnt actually get above messages until the next day due to my inbox being full. So with that information its no surprise that I didnt get to go out and have drinks with him.

Needless to say I was really bummed about not seeing him. I was in a mood to just see him. Be with him. Hang out. I think I was really looking forward to going out with anyone. Seeing as it was 2am Most of the people I knew were in bed or heading home.

D was up and well an opportunity unable to be taken by me. Thats all. But it was cute the way he sent those texts. I called him afterI was finished and he was just leaving the bar. He waited for me for an hour. I felt bad that he did but it made me feel nice to know that he would wait.

Its the little things that get to me. Its the little things that confuse me. Its the little things that make me twist myself in a knot. Well, that and all the rest really.

Other messages to and from each other... because I know you are all curious and want to know :)

Darling - It feels like I havent seen you in a while. Looking forward to it soon...

On a night I was out on a dinner date with someone other than D he pulled a little bit of a suck and I sent the following.

Darling - You know I would rather be out with you right? Youre my first choice even when I know Im not yours.

So sometimes theres something that D and I dont do a lot. Sometimes. When were in the midst of sex its very good its very ... orgasmic. Sometimes we dont do a whole lot of kissing. Im almost a little embarrassed to say that.

So I asked him about it and he sends me a text message.

D - I know why we dont kiss.

Darling - Do I want to know?

Darling - Im scared its me

And I was scared there was something that I did and continually do to make him not want to kiss me.

Darling - OK tell me already. Im on pins and needles. Its me isnt it?

Darling - Wait was that text even for me?

Maybe it was meant for someone else that he wasnt kissing? Maybe hes just not into kissing me or anyone else. I didnt want to focus on the fact that there could be others that hes with and not kissing though I take some solace in the fact that if there were others he isnt kissing them either. My mind is twisted. I hope you were able to follow the above.

Darling - Youre pulling my panties arent you?

All these texts while Im working and Im thinking about it and hoping its not me and that he tells me why it is we dont kiss as much as I would like.

D - You are always on top.

I call him for clarification and he thinks its because I seem to really enjoy being on top which means that Im sitting astride and well if I do lean down its usually to fill his mouth with my nipple, left or right. Not always in that order :)

So that gives me something to work on. I dont mind working on these things. Practice makes perfect no?

:)

2008-07-01T14:29:00.000-04:00

Happy Canada Day!!!

351 - believe

2008-06-22T14:41:00.000-04:00

I often wonder why it is I don't believe people when they say certain things. Mostly things that are complimentary to me. Sometimes its unexpected. Sometimes its appreciated. But most of the time I find myself not believing.

Why is this? I have no clue. I wonder if everyone no matter how attractive look at themselves in the mirror. Do you ever find yourself walking down a busy street and someone catches your eye? Someone striking? Exotic? Beautiful? I'm sure you have. I have. Do you find you want to keep looking? So you keep them locked in your sight until they are out of sight or until your attention is needed elsewhere?

Then there are times when your eye is caught by the opposite. Someone who you wouldn't find attractive, someone that wouldn't ordinarily be your 'type'. Your gaze shifts quickly hopefully towards someone or something more visually pleasing.

I wonder why it is I don't find myself attractive sometimes. I don't see what they see. All I see is... me with all its imperfections. I wonder, 'how can you say things like that when there are so many other more attractive people all around us' Then I think 'is this one of those times?'

One of those times where its nicer and kinder to say something nice instead of not saying anything at all. Though on the flip side if someone didn't say anything at all I would also worry. So there is no solution to this... I think.

When someone Ive just met tells me I'm beautiful I sometimes want to ask them to go into more detail. Not to be vain and listen to things like that but to understand what it is that he thinks is beautiful. Is it this one thing that I do or is it a combination of things. Is it different for everyone or is it the same for everyone. Im not sure but Id like to find out.

I mainly want to know so I can see and understand. In my self depreciating way. I want to think I'm beautiful too.

350 - truth

2008-06-17T21:05:00.001-04:00

Ive got lots of questions in my head and its coming out whenever. All directed at D and all wanting an answer. Some answers I don't want to hear others I need to hear. I know that I should not ask a question unless I am prepared to hear the answer

The question I direct at myself is 'what's the point?'

Were not involved in each others lives. We have each other in common. That and work. Other than that? little things. To me those little things are great. Sex, laughter and one of the important things that I like is the looking forward to each other and missing each other. Which I should be happy about. What is it with me? More importantly. Whats wrong with women? We should be happy with we have, why do we always want more.

Because what we do have is great and theres always the possibility of more... greatness. So sometimes when we want to talk about... possibilities. Its only because we want more of what we have. You.

It might seem scary, it might seem shocking, it might seem out of the blue and crazy. But were (and by we I mean me) were not there to screw up your life. We try to make things better. More fabulous than it is. Not just for us personally but for you as well. Because in making things better it not only affects one but all.

So I think some more and therein lies the conflict. Intentions are misunderstood. We ask questions for one reason which may not be clear. Theres an annoyance, a frustration on your part. The thing that we both want is the conversation to be over so if you would just indulge us and answer the questions honestly, that would be great.

Question for the fellas :)

Do you find yourself telling the opposite sex what they want to hear instead of the truth because its nicer.. kinder and less hurtful?

For me, its better to be honest even if its not what I want to hear. Of course sometimes it wont be what I want to hear but it will be the truth and that is better than being nice and not wanting to hurt me.

I know its against all normal thinking and behavior.. But I can handle the truth. Maybe not right away but I will.

My Inbox

2008-06-15T19:56:00.002-04:00

The rain has stopped for the moment barely gone and remembered in the quiet
Still off in the glimmering of leaves and grass hungry no more in . . .
In the haze of barely passed falling lightning flashes and thunder echoes
Across the Earth our mother in a cadence of two spirits dancing playfully
Beneath the roof of the world they sing and laugh

The grass is vibrant with luscious colours of many unfolded green
Like the deep emerald of satiated leaves swaying slowly, so slowly above us two
Their thirst slaked for the moment gone and passed before
When the rains fell all around we the two amid the grasses shadowing the lake
Where we lay side by side in the fields of yesteryear come to pass once more

Our bodies steaming, legs entwined, my knee between your thighs
Sliding with languid movements inside your flushed legs and warmth between
Like my lips lightly brushing your neck under the dew wet lingering of the rain
And these fingers across your breasts, ribs and belly, lightly scratching
Tracing the curve of your skin down to the downy hair whispering above your heat

Inside the raining tears of the father sky washing his wife the mother of everything
With his love, his long born tenderness all over once more and again
From and of yesteryears come this way many time before to fall again once anew
When where upon a falling petal in bloom he did kiss her twice . . . to waiting
As bathed they two together in the infinite seas pooled and full

I remember a moment before your sigh across my ear like a single sheening wave
Rippling over the waters of the morning glimmering still of dawn barely glimpsed
Through my body beneath your hands that stroked softly, slowly, patiently
And I shudder once more under your fingertips whispering over the head of . . my
I ache to feel you again all over once more flickering to illicit a groaning twitch

Like you do, did, will do again between my lips when I pull once more
Again, your nipple into my mouth to hum and flicker my tongue
Swiftly, lightly, tenderly with hunger over the tip of your firm nipple
Sending shivers in goose bump waves down your spine
Through the back of your legs and through your arching soles and toes

A tear fell from the skies then to slowly begin
The warm cascade over the thirsting earth one drop,
Lingering for an eternity between then and now that first tear to strike my neck
And with that kiss bring forth a single gasp, one quivering shudder
An echo of your body when that tear of heaven did fall from me to you

Ran to trace a cooling trail over my jaw down to my chin and then . . .
To fall in silence again it murmured down to your body still
Still cool, still remembering the warmth it remembers from me . . .
I remember your eyes fluttering under the waves of that
First tear to serenade the rain down, down all around we the two
Standing before your door I smile in the moment passed once more again
Of your toes curling and heels pressing tightly, wantonly against my ass
As your hips spasm bene[auto-filtered]y fingers inside you moving back and forth
Two sliding deep, deeper and out once more when my thumb caressed
Under the folds and hood as two fingers undulated across your lips

My breath hot over the silky smooth skin of your neck my teeth biting
Tenderly, softly, pulling and licking tongue flickering across your flesh
To your jaw and across until at last I came to your lips when last my eyes met yours
Hold you in my eyes like your voice with each groan, quickened short breath
From my fingers fucking your wet tenderness, hard and fast, deeply to the knuckles

I suck your breath into my mouth, my lungs under the rain pelting our naked skin
To steam and in that last lingering moment I raise myself up
To rub the head of my hardness across your lips, through your soft hair
Down again across your heated skin, to revel in your hunger and moist passion
Before in one instant pushing inside you hard, smoothly, deeply to groan, gasp

My fingers push down now over your softly slick downy hair
Rubbing in circles your clit with much vigour in the dance of our bodies
Of my flesh gliding back and forth inside your warmth, your heat engulfing me
Hot, hard, ready beneath your clenching, gripping pussy and feet enfolding my waist
And your open mouthed short gasping moans inside the rains pelting out bodies

So it comes to pass in the mist of our passions I slow at long shuddering lasting still
Inside you, once I twitch, twice and still I bit your neck softly, to pull with my lips
As your flushed and trembling body shudders . . .
And it is here like this in the rain slowly falling all around we two
I leave you hungry, barely satiated for more, my body unspent, my body ready

In the mist . . . I leave you to follow

Under the tears of the sky’s fall
I leave you trembling . . steaming under the rains that fall
Naked . . . within the rains
Of summer come and past
One echoing breathing murmur of my heat inside you
Still . . . still . . .

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Something tells me he didnt come up with this on his own. But thats just me.

349 - some soup

2008-06-14T10:58:00.000-04:00

AR and I have been seeing each other every other weekend. Usually for lunch and were together for a few hours at a time. There is always a giant pink elephant in the room with us wherever we go. For me the pink elephant is the kiss. Wanting to.

I'm not certain what it is for AR but I'm thinking its the same thing. If we weren't in public I think it would be easier to get the kiss out of the way. Though once the kiss is out of the way then it would just become something else.

There is a shyness around the both of us that makes making the first move a little difficult. Were in the same situation. Actually were not but we think alike and really were not in the same situation. AR is just that AR.

There is a side that's scared to be with me for fear of being lost in swept away with me. The other is looking forward to the experience.n How do I deal with that? Very carefully.

Do I think there is a future with AR? Trust me on this when I say that AR is happy being with AR. I wouldn't want to create waves. If only I could tell you about the other details. Maybe another time. Or maybe... you'll figure it out on your own which leaves me off the hook in telling you.

A little about AR. Younger than I am by a few years which I know is very unusual. Don't forget this is an unusual situation and there are things that you have yet to find out. But young AR is. Legal of course in case any of you were wondering.

I try to stay on the good side of the law. Try :)

Once after a desert I took AR to an adult store and we walked around pointing out things that we've used own or would like to try sometime. It was to say the least arousing. Still nothing happened after that.

I wont invite AR to my place. That would just seem... too soon. Id like to go to AR's place. There I can see much happening. But seeing as were both shy and there is a conflict of interest in AR's situation. It might not happen for a while.

SB or as some of you like to think of BS :) has made a few late night calls going down... memory lane. This of course is something I'm not 100% behind though I feel a little uncomfortable telling him that 'I'm really not in the mood for this'. So what happens? I entertain him. I make appropriate noises and try to stay in the realm of semi sleep so as to not be awake. If that makes sense. Kind of like when you know you've been dreaming and you open your eyes and try to get back to the dream somehow. Confusing... I know. He'll be in my area again in a couple of weeks and we shall see how that goes.

I bumped into S's coworker at a bar once night and didn't know they worked together until he mentioned where he worked. I asked him if he knew S and he said yes with a surprised look on his face. A few reasons why he looked surprised went through my head. They all made me smile. There was an awkward moment for me as I know S isn't in contact with me anymore. For a couple of reasons which makes me sad. He was a nice person and someone I had much I wanted to learn from.

I often wonder if he spoke to S about meeting me at some point. I wonder about his reaction and what he thought. I guess now Ill never know. But I can always imagine :)

I wish him well and that every so often should he think of me, smile.

M calls every now and then. Usually for the same reasons. To help in ... certain situations. I'm sure I've mentioned him before and the kind of phone calls he enjoys. The timing just isn't right for me when he does call. That could mean a number of things which I don't really think of too much as theres a very less than slim chance of there being anything that happens between us.

Which is why I let him indulge in his phone fetish for the moment.

I think I might have put A through the wood chipper already but it is worth mentioning that he is a persistent man. He calls leaves me messages and continues to do so without any reciprocation on my part. Ill eventually call him back and leave a message about a week later.

I know someone might think that I am playing games. I would like to clear it up that I do not play games unless they aware that I will be Jane waiting for Tarzan. Well you get the idea.

I think the reason its just not happening is because of a few reasons. Ill share some. First, our schedules never seem to work out. Second, theres no real solid 'want' on his side to set a time and day to meet for coffee, lunch or dinner. Something, anything. Though Ill admit if I were to say lets meet for sex he would have a plethora of times and dates and a basic you name it Ill be there attitude. Which leaves me unsatisfied somehow.

I want someone who wants to see me, be with me and hang out for whatever reason. This whole let us see what my schedule is like and Ill get back to you line doesn't work on me because that's the line I use. Which tells me that there really is no interest other than sex with him. He brings it up often enough.

I think it might be one of those situations where he wont get what he wants if he keeps doing what hes doing. Kind of like the more he wants it the less I want to give it to him.

P is anxious. Yes hes still around. I have to be careful. I know he is starting to have feelings and hes looking at 'the future'. I'm not there where he is. There wont be an 'us'. I wont lie and say that I don;t feel anything for him. He'll always be someone that's been on my side and have been essential in giving me advice concerning some things.

There was a time where I was falling for him to. Then I think it was too much for him and he lashed out and I couldn't go through that again with him, so I worked on not falling for him. It worked. There wont be a future but there will be a friendship. Yes I wonder sometimes but that wonder isn't pushing me towards that road.

Maybe in the new year Ill go and spend a week with him. Sounds strange doesn't it? I don't want him but Ill spend a week with him? You don't know all the details on this one either. Maybe one day.

There is a gentleman who lives in my building. I'm not sure if Ive mentioned him before. If I have I apologize. He parks his car next to mine in the garage and he is not my type for many reasons which I wont go into. But he seems to think that were meant to be friends.

Hes already told me about his marital status and how hes.. lonely. He would like to have a 'friend' and he thinks that I am perfect for the position. I imagine hes thought of many positions with the way he looks at me. Makes my skin crawl and not in a good way.

Sometimes I am not as smooth and coherent as I sometimes seem. When he asked me for my phone number so we can be each others friend and when he asked me out so he wouldn't be lonely. My response?

'oh, well... I don't think that's a good idea, plus you live in my building. That would just be complicated if things didn't work and I don't want anything complicated. Thank you but no thank you'

As I was saying that and more. I wanted a hole to open up on the floor and swallow him up. He always asks for my number and I always decline. its a bit disturbing that he will say things like. I always see you and you always look really good. You are always alone when I see you.

I try to avoid him.

One night I was wearing something a little revealing and he came into the garage as I was walking out of it. He looked me up and down in a not so gentlemanly way and asked me to wait for him so we could walk in together. I should have told him that I was cold and I had to gt in and quicken my pace to get away. I didn't. I waited. Stupidly. I'm too nice sometimes. Must work on that.

Of course again he tried to get something going. At least I'm consistent with that. I am not interested. Wont be ever. Just not my type. Obviously.

There should be new additions to The Soup. Its in the works :)

348 - The Return of Darling

2008-06-09T20:29:00.004-04:00

So I gather its been noticed that I haven't been here in a while. I wasn't sure that I would be able to stop time. I did try. Did not work. Obviously.

So whats new and exciting and whats been happening? Much to be discussed almost so much that Ive been unable to keep it all straight and blog about it.

Work is going well. Getting used to it more and more. People wonder why I don't love it. It just takes me longer I guess. I do like it. Sometimes I wonder if its really work that I am doing because its an easy job. Lots of responsibility but easy. Simple even.

Ive picked up extra hours here and there. So that's always a good thing to see on my pay stubs. I'm thinking of getting another part time jobs. Something that I can work in between. We shall see.

Ive gone to a driving range and I find that I enjoy it. Theres something about being able to hit a small ball as hard as you can and find it goes where you want it to... generally want it to. A couple of slices, a hook but mostly it went straight.. within a span of 15 degrees or course. I thought it went well.

I'm planning on taking a couple of golf lessons in the next few weeks to see if its something that I would really enjoy. I know I like driving ranges. I can see how it can be therapeutic. Putting all your anger into a swing to hit a little ball which you've turned into the object of your frustration. Relief!

D and I will go together after my lessons. That should be fun. Adding competition. It would be neat to see how things go.

A guy from work has mentioned me not fitting the mold of the marrying type. Hes heard from other people that people with my background are the marrying kind, the kind who is nurturing, giving and all the good things... apparently he says I don't fit that mold.

I don't fit that mold because I'm not really to be put into that mold. I didn't say that. I just laughed and said theres always an exception. Which made me think. Am I the exception? It also made me think. He thought of me as someone he could marry? Or was it just me marrying anyone that wouldn't work?

Ill delude myself her and go with him thinking of me as his bride. He is cute. Hes told me a few times that I am confusing as far as signals goes. I'm not quite sure what that means as I don't recall giving any signals.

Are there times when some of the things we women do be thought of as signals? Men- Reply needed. That might need more detail and clarification. Let me know.

My sister got her job back. Shes moved out on her own and is living downtown with her dog. Shes single again and looking to me for single life advice. I tell her things that Ive done and the reasons behind them. Thought processes and all. I tell her that I probably give really screwed up advice because of the things that I have done and gone through and that she should do what feels right for her and if theres something that Ive told her that she likes then to go with it and make it her own somehow.

We don't see each other as often. Once a week. Sometimes two. I want her to be on her own and make new friends which shes doing. Did I mention shes gorgeous? I get jealous every so often. But I cant hate her for it she is my sister. I'm glad I have a hot sister. I wouldn't want any other.

Ive broken down and set up the AC. Its been really hot here the passed few days. Before 7 am this morning. It was 24 degrees Celsius. Hot. I don't know what kind and how to apply makeup for this heat. So I didn't wear any. Good for the skin to breathe. Not that I wear a lot of it. It takes me less than 10 minutes to apply what I do wear. Much less if I know I need to get it done quickly.

My car still needs a few things which Ive yet to have looked at. Gas was at $1.34 today. Boo! This makes me wonder if I should invest in oil. I wonder...

Update on The Soup on another post.

Ive lost 11 lbs in 6 months. I'm due for blood tests whenever I remember to fast for 12 hours. I'm nervous they will find something which is why I think I haven't fasted. I mean there shouldnt be anything. I asked to be tested for a whole lot of things just to see.

Ive missed blogging and reading your blogs. I'm sorry I need lessons in being better.

Hope things have been going well and glad that you haven't thrown in the towel on me.

Dream, Fantasy, Truth or Fiction

2008-06-02T11:43:00.001-04:00

'I'm sorry for having to cut the evening short. These things cant be helped'

'Well, why dont you come up for some wine and we can spend some time together and then you can go?'

'You don't understand, I don't think I have that kind of time. I know if I go up with you I wont leave until tomorrow comes... but I have an idea.'

I lean in and whisper something into his ear, as I pull away I see his eyebrows raise with anticipation. My purse in my hand I head upstairs. I know hes rushing.

I open the door as I see him reach the top of the stairs and let him follow me inside. As soon as hes inside, he locks the door and kisses me. He pushes me against the wall and presses up against me. Rubbing himself back and forth. He moans. I can feel him hard already.

He takes my clothes off, then his and wonders at my body. His hands roaming over every part of me. His hands hot against me. The trail of his hands wonderful against me. The contrast of his hand against my tanned body erotic.

There are mirrors everywhere. All around us. Adds to the eroticism. He lifts me up, sets me down and spreads my legs open. Theres a moment of cold at my back but it quickly warms with the heat of my body. He flicks his tongue against me and teases. His fingers adding to the tease.

I slip off back to my feet and turn around. Facing one of the mirrors. I lean back into him and his arms wrap around me. His arms crossed in front of me, a breast in each hand. Caressing. I hear him moan again as he kisses my neck.

I brace myself and lean forward a little bit as he slips himself inside me. I look to my right, another mirror. This time I see us in a different angle. Sexy. Hot. Erotic. Like watching an adult film and I'm starring in it.

I watch my body move. I get a little more turned on. I look at my breasts, my nipples hard. Tanned. Sexy. I see them sway with every thrust he makes. My gaze lowers and I see his hand in between my legs. I'm on my toes for a better angle.

I can see where our bodies join and that takes me over where he follows. Our bodies continue to rock back and forth together, enjoying the high of what just happened.

Clothes are slipped back on. We smile as we walk down the stairs and out the door where we get curious glances from the hostess.

347 - OFF

2008-05-17T06:46:00.003-04:00

Long weekend!! YAY

Im going away...

Will return.

Have a fantastic weekend!!

Never mind, trip got cancelled.

346 - Can of worms

2008-05-10T08:57:00.006-04:00

I was a mad, must have been out of my mind or just had to share. The following are texts and some snippets of conversations to and with D.

- I know you would rather I not have moments. Im trying but it still happens. I figure it might go away on its own but im not sure, if it does then it wont be a problem.

- I dont know why you or why now. Timing sucks I guess. Maybe in another life... Maybe its all me. You have your reasons for not being able to .... I need to find one of my own.

- Classic... Girl meets boy, Girl likes boy. Girl wants the boy that she cant have.

- Kind of makes me think theres something wrong with me and thats why its not happening. Im kind of clueless about those things and if thats the case than a heads up would be nice.

- I don't know why I tell you these things, other than letting you know where I'm at and whats in my head and more importantly not having it all in my head.

- I play just a small part in your life and your'e such a big part of mine. Like... I miss talking and seeing you when its been a while.

He wasn't able to discuss things at the time I sent them which was fine with me as I wanted to get it out without interruptions. Talking face to face would have been a blunder. As long as it got out. He did reply back asking me if I was OK. He knows I get teary and girly when I get in those moods. He does care.

I talked with him the next day about it and he asked if I was OK again. We talked amore about it and I got all teary and girly again. Actually cried about it. Not because I was hurt but because theres so much to say and no words to convey it all.

Youre what every guy dreams of in a girl. Your'e pretty, smart, funny, great to be with, have a great job, live on your own, debt free and independant... I have no doubt you'll meet someone... (more things were said and what stuck was him saying)... 'It just cant be me.'

Meaning the man in my life.. just cant be him. He went on to explain. Not that he didnt want me. It was that he couldn't have me. Because of the situation he is in.

He doesn't want to be the one to hold me back and doesn't want to have a conversation one day a year from now with me telling him that Ive waited for him and have just wasted my time.

We talked about my lack of dating other guys since meeting him and I told him that he satisfied many things that I was looking for in a guy and thats why there was a lack of other guys.

So I told him I agreed with him and didnt want to be a problem/complication. So I would date other guys. He was silent for a moment. He doesn't want me to but he wants me to. Conflict. Welcome to my life.

So SB is in town next week and Ill be seeing him when hes in town and I told D. He sounded surprised and kind of in shock that Im going out with someone else really soon.

I asked 'I thought youd be happy that I was going to go out with someone else'
His reply, 'No, not happy'

In my head I thought, well what is it?!?! You cant have it both ways.

Im still seeing SB. Its not a relationship by any means. Its just what it is.

Another conversation.

Darling - So what about sex? I mean if I have sex with someone else then will you want to have sex with me?

D - Well I hope you dont just pick anyone for the sake of getting it done and over with just to have sex with someone else.

Darling - I hope you know I wont be doing it that way. I mean as far as sex goes...

D - I think that question should be left to you. Will you want to continue with me?

Darling - First Id like to apologize about how this makes me sounds kind of whore-y. Im not planning on picking some guy up just to do the deed. I really really enjoy sex with you. Its great. I mean what kind of respectful girl asks that kind of question. I don't want it to seem like Im sleeping around or will it just came out wrong but... I don't want to stop having sex with you.

D - I think if you were dating someone and eventually it went to that place where you decide to have sex with someone else thats different. Then things between us might change as well. I just want you to be happy.

Darling thinks and doesnt say 'but you make me happy'

D - Just dont make it someone from work. Please.

Darling - I told you I dont do that.

D - Yeah but you might change your mind and then Id have to see the guy at work everyday. Just dont sleep with someone from work

Darling smiles and does a mental happy dance

Darling - Really?

D - Yeah really. I dont want to have to see the guy.

Darling - You dont want to picture me with anyone else? I think you like me... say it.

D - (I can hear the smile behind his words) Read into it what you want to...

Darling mentally sings a song you want me, you want to kiss me, you want to marry me. I think thats how it goes (Miss Congeniality)

Which means he does like me. He must and he does because in another conversation he said 'If I didn't like you I wouldn't talk to you, spend so much time talking to you, going to lunch with you, dinner, drinks and helping you get the job, sleep with you etc etc. If I don't say it its because Im not very forthcoming with compliments and I know thats hard on you and makes the situation a little more difficult.

Darling - Its just nice to hear sometimes. I mean I know actions speak louder than words... but its just nice to hear sometimes and thats why I ask sometimes if you do like me or if you think this or that about me. Because I know you wouldnt just say it.

D - I think it and know it and want to share sone of them with you but I know that it would just make it harder. Being in our situation.

Darling - Your'e right. If you did I think we would be in this situation much earlier than now.

The situation being me being all girly. More than ever. I want what I want I guess and I just wanted to be wanted back.

I cant ask him for more than what he has been able to give me. I appreciate it and love spending time with him. I just wanted to hear him say the things that he wasnt saying.

I cant ask him for more than what he is able to give but I can ask to know what he is thinking and if hes thinking it and can my my day then Id like to hear it. Silly things, simple things like small compliments. I wont go into details for fear of being called certain names but its the little things that I wanted.

How does all that change our situation? It doesnt. It will continue on as is. The only thing that changes is me. Ill be Souping it up more.

But that wont change the fact that I still love him. Im just curious about what else he thinking and not telling me :)

Looking forward to opening the can of worms.

345 - Bad day

2008-04-28T20:50:00.003-04:00

Monday - today - bad day
wont be over until I hear a gavel come down
Not liking stupid people on the road
The law doesnt protect people it screws people over.
Some people, I hope Im not one of them at the end of it all.

Im shaky but Im ok. I will have to be ok. Inhale the positives. Exhale the negatives.

I guess this is what happens when I dont have any drama in my life.

Life creates it for me.

I prefer the drama that I choose to create. None of this unplanned incidents.

Arg - sigh-

344 - Proximity

2008-04-24T10:41:00.000-04:00

P has been calling me more and more lately. I don't always answer his calls because I know it will be a long conversation so there are times when Ill let him get my voice mail. He is a little intense sometimes for me and already hes saying things that make me a little bit wary of continuing things.

I know he means well. I know hes a nice person. I'm also not sure of certain things so that make me think. Hes going through a lot of personal things at the moment which I wont go into but its just a lot for one person to deal with.

I don't mind the attention, its just I'm not sure of his expectations and that puts me in a position of not knowing where I should be and how I should be. I don't want to hurt him as hes easily hurt so Its a delicate dance with P to make sure that were both in a place that is acceptable to the both of us.

The relationship with P makes it so that I sometimes feel obligated to do certain things. I dont like that feeling. Ive enjoyed spending time with him but it just takes a lot of my time with him and hes the kind of person who needs a lot of attention. I don't think I can be that person for him for a long period of time.

This thing with P is also on going and also on and off. Ive made it that way so I'm not such a constant in his life and I try to make sure that we spend some time together every so often to make sure he doesn't feel left out of my life.

Its a little difficult sometimes but it somehow works itself out. Hes a great person. Very supportive and very in my corner when it comes to whats happening in my life. Its a very intricate and interesting relationship we have.

Makes me smile to think about it. It also makes me shake my head thinking about it.

I hadn't heard from S in a while and I got an email from him letting me know hes been thinking of me and has been wanting to call me but he was unsure of how I would take that call... and even if I would take the call.

Again hes a little pushy for me and I'm not in touch with him because of it. Theres a time and place to be someone and act a certain way, his timing just happens to be all off. It really has ben a while since Ive spent any time with S. Maybe once Ive got things under control at work then I might consider going out with him. Right now? Not such a big priority.

J called me and I had to apologize again about not being able to free up any time to see him during his free time. I know he must feel like I'm blowing him off but I told him I wasnt. I just need to take care of things on my end and maybe spend more time with him to feel comfortable around him to just let myself be.

SB called to let me know he might not be in town for a while and wanted to let me know he was looking forward to seeing me when hes in town. Whenever that is.

V is going in the woodchipper. Why some might wonder? Well I think its because I didnt partake in some of what he was offering last time he came to town. It just wasn't something I wanted to do then and I had a gut feeling that I wouldn't see him again if I did partake.

So I find myself being right in that aspect. Theres been no contact and I know hes been in town every couple of weeks. No calls or emails. I know its a double standard but if they don't keep in touch with me then I find myself not hoping for anything, much less looking forward to doing anything with them.

What keeps people interested? Proximity.

A is probably mad at me as I haven't returned his calls. Not for not wanting to its just that Ive been busy and I happen to forget to call him back.

343 - missing

2008-04-21T10:43:00.001-04:00

I miss Brazil. He was really good to make out with. I think what I really liked the most was that I was the one who decided. I decided when to see him. What I wanted to do and if all I wanted to to make out, kiss and nothing else. Thats what we would do.

If I wanted to go further and if I wanted to touch him I would. If he wanted to touch me I would decide if he did or not. He was such a good sport about it. I think he knew that nothing would happen if It didn't happen that way.

I haven't heard from him in a while but thats OK. He is in Brazil. Every so often he calls. Sometimes in the middle of the night and hes drunk. Funny. Booty calls from Brazil. Im always amused when he does that. Theres a lot of him wishing I was closer so we can see each other. Cute really.

The check engine light is on in my car. I'm not too worried as it comes and goes on its own and the car is running fine. As far as I can tell. I should go get it checked out though as its been on and off for the passed 3 months or so.

A friend of mine has a CD player for me and were trying to set something up where he can install it in my car. I know I haven't told you I still have a tape deck in my car. LOL I never use it. I just leave it on the local radio station. Im not picky. But it will be nice to have a CD player. Itll make me feel like I have a new car :) Though now Ill have to burn soe CDs a I dont really own very many if current CDs.

That also reminds me that I have to go donate blood. They had the mobile blood clinic at work one day a couple of weeks ago but I didn't make an appointment and walk ins are usually welcome but they didnt have an opening when I was available. Thats OK. I can always go in after work sometime. I just have to remember to go.

I also have to go do my taxes. I have a couple of options on who can do it. The same people that did mine last year. D's friend who is one of our coworkers. Or another guy who works with us but Id have to go talk to one of the trainers to get a contact number.

Im not sure why but I don't was D's friend to do my taxes. Just a feeling I have so I think Ill talk to that trainer and try the other guy. Who apparently does about 600 other people who works in the company. He does that part time and charges about 30$ to do it. Thats a nice side business.

My brother is planning on getting himself a Mac Book Pro. I think its the Pro hes after. Hes going to use his income tax return to get it. I shake my head sometimes at him but its his money. Im almost inclined to give him mine but then what would I use?

Speaking of that. The internet. I have to rethink it. Getting it that is. Wont go into it now but that idea has been put on hold until certain things have worked out. Will keep you posted.

Im thinking of finding a place that I could spend some time volunteering. Thats me being ambitious but Its an idea and Ll good things start with an idea. We shall see.

The snow is melting. I was walking The Big Dog and I was excited to see the curbs on the street. I was also excited to see the sidewalk. The weather is getting nicer though it still chilly. Getting better though getting much better.

I know Ill stick with my rule but sometimes I question it. Which rule you ask? The one where I dont date coworkers. Ive met some really nice people and some that I entertain thoughts...

I don't think I will dip my pen in company ink as that would just be asking for trouble. Ill just stay my friendly self and not go into anything serious. Keep it light and fun.

342 - OT

2008-04-13T21:15:00.000-04:00

D called me earlier this evening. Hes back. Im addicted. To him. To something about him. Im wondering if there are meetings for addictions like this. I need help. Its like getting a fix when I hear his voice. When I see him theres a rush of adrenaline through me that really feels good.

I wonder if he feels that way too. Or if anyone feels the same way towards someone else and not actual drugs.

He probably doesnt feel that way and wont worry too much about it as I know that Im wired completely differently than he is... and to other people period.

Its interesting as were both really laid back people. Him more than I. The difference is that I take a little more time in letting things go. However compared to the general public me letting things go happens pretty quick.

On the family front. My dad just returned to San Diego from Alabama. His business trip was cut short but hes happy to be home again. He calls every other day and its nice to talk to him even if its just a few minutes sometimes.

The last call was regarding my sister and her ending her relationship with her beau. I think my dad was really bummed about it. Why? I'm not sure. Hes worried about her but I told him shes doing OK and if he needs anything she knows she can come to me for anything. In fact... and I didnt tell my dad this tidbit. She already did. Other than doing my sisterly duty of listening and giving great Darling advise.

She asked me for money. Im not sure why I didnt expect it sooner. I knew it was coming but just wasnt prepared for it. Of course Ill help her with what she needs. She hasn't mentioned a figure yet but I'm sure that she will.

So her plans are to move out on her own. Find an apartment close to her work and something that is affordable. I know how much she makes and I told her that she would have to make sure to budget accordingly. I told her what I did when I moved out and shes prepared to grt a second job if needed.

I told J3 that today was my last day there but we talked and Ill stay on payroll for emergency purposes. If they are stucck and really need someone, depending on my schedule I might be able to come in.

I missed a call from The New Job this morning. I wont tell you what kept me distracted and occupied. Its a bit embarrassing to share. So I missed out on Overtime. Darn. I was really looking forward to working some as the money is good and I plan on banking my OT for time off for next year if I can get the time off. If I cant get the time then Ill be able to cash it in so thats my plan.

Also they are currently in contract negotiations and theres talk of strike. I guess theres always talk of strikes when negotiating. So If it so happens that we do go on strike and I have some OT banked. Ill just cash those in so I have some income during that time.

Dont really know how much Ill be able to bank by that time which might not even happen but its good to be prepared.

I like work but theres always those few moments where I get really nervous and anxious. I dont like not knowing. I like to be as prepared as I can be for most things in life so in some cases at work I dont have the opportunity to prepare as I would like. That makes me nervous.

D has been great with it all, even through my worries. Hes very reassuring and I like hearing him say I can do it. In the end I can do it. ot because he said so but because I have no choice. It is my job.

Anyway I went to pick up his belated birthday gift but the store was closed so Ill have to pick it up sometime this week in between work and errands. He told me not to bother but I'm going to anyway. Its nothing fancy. I know he'll use it. Well, I hope he will. But if not then thats OK. I don't know if he uses what I got him for Christmas. I wonder...

I checked my voicemail and I had 11 messages. I laughed at some of them and I called back a few people to keep in touch. I havent called one of my girlfriends. I really should. Her birthday is coming up as well. Ill have to start thinking of what to get her. Most likely a day at the spa.

I told D that I kissed my date. He teases me about it. I wonder if he kissed his date. He says he didnt. I dont have any reason not to. But Im still a bit jealous about the fact that he was out with someone else. Why? I know I dont have a hold on him. Were not in a relationship. Theres no ring on our fingers. Just one of those things that makes me go hmmmft!

I asked him about kissing and told him Id like to do more of it with him if hes open to that. Why do I talk about these things with him? Because if you don't ask you don't get. If you don't ask you'll never know. Id rather know sometimes. Depends on the situation of course.

SB has been really excited about seeing me again and hes already called me to let me know that he will try to make sure to come to town more often. We had a quasi serious conversation regarding the reason I am open to seeing him when he is in town. I couldn't give him a straight answer that he would be happy with so I changed the subject.

I wonder the same thing about him as well but I know that theres to much to reveal if I open that can of worms.

T called me and I didn't recognize who it was for a little while and thought it was really someone else. Until he mentioned something and the light went on in my head. We talked for a while and he told me he was home visiting family for a while. I was a bit upset that he didn't try to reach me when he was closer to me. His family lives in Toronto, about 4 hours from me. Thats closer than where he is in Chicago.

So we got caught up on things and I told him about The New Job. My concerns and all that. he was happy for me and thought it would be good step for me if I wanted to move to a different department. Which is always a possibility as there are many internal postings that I should keep an eye out on.

I havent forgotten about putting pictures up on this blog. I know it hasn't been too exciting or up to date. Theres been so much happening but I find that sleep reaches me before 'Im able to do more.

Another week starts tomorrow. How time flies. Make sure to stop and smell the roses. Enjoy the little things and doing your best is all anyone can ask of you.

341 - private matters

2008-04-12T22:17:00.000-04:00

I know I know! Ive been really lacking in the blog post arena. I promise to get better. Hopefully with something juicy and scandalous to tell. If I don't have anything scandalous to share with you Im sure I could make something up that would be equally as titillating.

Im out on my own now and Ive survived a whole week of being on my own after training. Im getting the hang of it and there is so much more to learn that they slightly touched on a little bit during training. So much that I have many questions for my other coworkers.

Its an interesting group as theres so many of them and they have so much to share. Whether its stories of whats happened and how things work and all that. Everyone has been really helpful with me and they are all very willing to help me and answer anything.

I do notice that they help me out more than the other people in my class. I dont think its because I'm new. I think that they like helping out a damsel in distress. Its a manly work place Ive entered and it shows in the attention that I get when I go in certain areas.

Ive talked to D about some of the things that have happened to me and hes told me that Im getting preferential treatment. I wont complain about it. It makes my day go by easier and the word around work is that Im a sweetheart.

By the by he just called me from his weekend away to tell me he missed me. I melted. What can I say Im a girl. I think he likes it. The attention. Who wouldn't like that kind of attention right? I mean when someone is around to stroke your ego every so often, tell you nice things and how great you think they are. Yes thats nice. Very nice indeed.

We talked for a while and then he had to go. It will be nice to talk to him again when he gets back. I miss him too.

His birthday was on Friday. I have to pick up his gift tomorrow and I told him when he gets back that I would take him out for dinner sometime.

Its weird that I can tell him anything and he doesnt freak out. Its nice in the way that I can tell him things on my mind. Like how I think Im falling in love with him, that I can tell him some of the things Ive done in the past thats very colorful. Hes OK with it.

SB was in town on Thursday. We went out for dinner and I spent part of the night with him. D went out with his friends that night as well. He found out about my dinner date with SB just as we were going into the restaurant.

He called me to let me know he was heading home. He teased me a little bit about being on a date. He also called me 3 hours later at 12:30am to check up on me. He wanted to check up on me. He. Wanted. To. Check. Up. On. Me.

Which tells me great things. He likes me and he was jealous that I was out with another man. He wants me and even if theres a little bit of truth to that theres is truth to it. How do I know? I asked him. He confirmed that yes he likes me and yes he was jealous. He also said after admitting that he was jealous that there wasnt anything he could do about it.

So I reveled in the fact that he was jealous. That is, until he told me that after he found out I was on a date. He went and called someone to go out for drinks. I didnt want to know but I had to ask. I asked him if he went out with a girl and he said yes. That took away the buzz and brought out the little green monster in me and I told him that. We did have a laugh over it though. How we were both jealous that the other was out with someone else other than each other.

Its very nice to be open with someone. That I can just tell him anything and hes there to listen. Sometimes he can help sometimes he cant but its always great that someone will listen. Sometimes it gets frustrating when theres no reaction but that just gives me something to think about which I would either way.

I asked him he he thinks of me when were not together. He said 'of course I do, thats why I call you so much. Sweet huh? I also asked him how he doesnt think Im a little on the crazy side with all the things Ive told him. I find it werid that hes ok with it all... and I find it disturbing thats hes OK with it all. I also find it fantastic that hes ok with it all. Mostly fantastic.

I bought these boy cut panties. I wasnt sure that I would like them but I bought a few of them and I find that I look pretty darn sex in them. Though that could be because I was looking at myself in those and only those.

340 - news

2008-04-05T23:16:00.001-04:00

I went through the training process and am now a certified ( unable to disclose that information ) Its fun so far and though it still feels new. I still have butterflies being sent out on my own. There are still a lot of things to learn and I will as I go along.

I have moments when I doubt that I will enjoy this new venture. Ill continue to do it and hope that eventually it will feel like.. home. Cliche I know.

Its funny. There have been some funny and interesting stories to tell since Ive started and I cant really share them as it might give it away. I have yet to tell my some members of my family as it feels somewhat surreal that Ive gone through it all and have come out doing well.

When the time is right it will happen I guess.

On the Soup front. I told D that I was falling in love with him. Yes I said it. In bed. Post coital high and all. AND? you ask? Were still in the same place we were at before the post coital high. Only now? He knows where I stand.

Where exactly do I stand? Beats me. One one hnd heres D who Im wildy attracted to for some unconventional reasons. And theres me again who has The Soup to splash myself with. I want it all. I want the cake and I want to eat it.

Im still trying to find out how I can do it. In time.

Financially Im doing ok. Im doing more than ok now that Im making more money and Ill have to try to figure out what to do it some of it that Ill have lying around. It will be fun to see how good I am with managing it all. Which reminds me to do my taxes. Thats a must do. Must find someone who will do it lol and do it well.

Ive been really good with the treadmill still. Its also nice that Im not going out as much which helps me eat healthier and probably less than I should.

Some of the guys at work? Very sweet. Unless its a man thing to just say it for the sake of saying it... They think Im pretty.

One guy who reminds me of someone I cant pinpoint. T says Im a looker and that I should be careful at work because Ill be hit on a lot. Another charmer. But like a girl I totally ate it up. (blush) Im such a girl.

What can I say? Its nice to hear that kind of thing. THough I question their choice and even their sanity sometimes as I think Im not pretty. Just the run of the mill wallpaper variety.

SB came to town twice and I wasnt able to see him both times as I was still in training and I had big days the next day so I couldnt chance being distracted. I felt bad and I apologized and kind of felt sad that I couldnt meet with him. I mean he did fly out to see me. I didnt even meet him for a drink. Why?

Well Im easily swayed when it comes to not doing my work and I tend to procrastinate so I just didnt want to give myself the option of being swayed. When the timing is right Ill sway away.

B called me to tell me he was thinking of me and apologized for not keeping in touch more. He wants to come down and spend some time together so Ill have to figure out something. I think its going to be a juggle as everyone wants to come down the same week and well... thats not your problem. Ill figure it out somehow.

Oh and its Ds birthday April 11th. I dont know what to get him. Any ideas? Im aiming for something that he can experience, enjoy and remember. Something that will remind him of me and is functional. Something that shows that ...

Im not sure if that came out right. Reading it over makes me shake my head and giggle. So ideas would be much appreciatd please and thank you.

As a man. What would make you happy on your birthday. Sex, lingerie, candles, dinner and drinks are already on the menu.

I told you I was really bad at gifting.

Oh and I think.. the most exciting part of this post? lol well one of them anyway? I might be getting the internet at my place sometime soon.

oooohhh... ahhhhh I know. Fascinating :)

339 - uniforms

2008-03-27T20:18:00.000-04:00

Whenever people find out that I went to a catholic school their ears perk up. Mainly the men who also correlate that with me in a uniform. They also ask me if I still have my uniform and I roll my eyes and smile. I know whats coming up. The fantasy of a girl in a school uniform. White blouse, skirt, knee high socks with a naughty do me attitude to go with it.

What man could resist?

Come to think of it when I was in High School I remember getting a lot of horns blown my way as they drove by. I used to just smile and wave. To be polite and all. Such a powerful thing it is to have an outfit. The same thing goes with wearing a pantsuit to a convention. Fitted of course. To distinguish between the men and myself. I prefer a skirt of course. Add in the garter belt and stay ups...

I remember looking at a mirror before leaving home. I would turn slightly and see the curve from the small of my back to where my ass started to come out and if I thought it was sexy then Im sure that some other people would think that as well.

People are very visual and by people I mean men though women are as well. Dont let that fool you. Women check everyone out. Yes, you, that guy behind you and even the woman standing in front of you. We want to see everyone. We as in me :)

So there has been a request for me to show up one day in my school uniform. They also included what I should wear underneath it. Im pretty certain that wont happen but its nice to follow that train of thought and imagine what might occur should I do it. Love this imagination of mine.

Maybe one day? Perhaps...

338 - commitments

2008-03-21T19:09:00.005-04:00

I had a little bit of a headache and all I needed was to sleep it off. That was nice that it wasn't something more serious. What wasn't nice was that I wasn't able to sleep. I wasn't able to take a nap as my day way booked full of this and that. It was nice to be able to get it all crossed off my list but it wasn't nice that I had this headache to deal with the whole day.

Ive got a few things left to do which shouldn't take long so I'm looking forward to sleeping until tomorrow comes.

Training has me a little worried. I'm to the point where its kind of boring and by that I mean that I'm kind of scared and feel a little clueless. Its kind of a big deal this job and they take it really seriously. Lots of safety things to think of and all that. I guess I'm a little worried as its an actual career and not just one of those for now not forever situations.

This is it. Its got a lot of what everyone is looking for, security, flexibility, options to move to different departments, great pay, pensions and benefits. Some would ever say its cash for life. So why don't I want it? I'm not sure. It seems like a lot of responsibility.

Yes you can say I want something easy. I want something easy that pays a lot. I know its not always possible to get what I want but that was just something I had to share. Makes me sound lazy but I 'm honest.

I know Ill do this. I know that Ill do my best (I hope) I know that I wont know until I try and that I cant give up now. So many people applied for these positions and I scored high along with the rest of the people in my class so I should be happy that I got it and that Ive made it this far.

What is it about success that I'm scared of? Maybe ill save that for another post. One serious issue a post :)

They are hiring a lot more people after me so I wont be at the bottom. They said were in a good position as were at the beginning of the wave and we can ride it as long as we keep out noses clean.

Being somewhat of a perfectionist I know I wont always be right on the dot with this job but they said that they expect us not to be on target all the time. It happens and we can only do what we can and since we cant control everything we work with what we have.

Its a career. People stay in this company for 20-25 odd years. There are so many people eligible to retire and they don't because they all love it. I'm hoping I'm one of those that love it. As for staying for 20-30 years. Thats a long time and a huge commitment.

If I cant make a commitment to one person Ill have to practice with this career. How odd does that sound? Oh well I play the hand I'm given.

Happy Easter!!

What I Think Of When

2008-03-16T20:18:00.002-04:00

Whenever I hear this song, I am seduced by his voice. I realize how there are masses of people that fall for rockstars/entertainers. One of the reasons anyway. Voices. His is low and sensual to my ears and its just all around yummy for me.

This song makes me want to have someone call me for that reason, though in reality I would'nt want to hurt anyone. No one wants to do that. But I do understand that people around the world are in such a situation. Do I envy those people? Maybe in a way. They care for each other and they had some time together. Then again. They already had their time together and if things were meant to be then wouldn't they still be together? If they were still together then there wouldn't have to be any clandestine phone calls.

What is it that I like about the situation they are in? Maybe that they have each other in a distant sort of way. Plus they have their partner of the moment. Is it a part of me that wants to have a partner? Not at this time. Maybe... in the future sometime. Or is it the fact that I'm not sure how I would react in such a situation? Meh! Life is short. Be happy. Don't hurt anyone. In other words, bad advise to come ... if you're going to do something that isn't on the up and up. Do not get caught.

Lips of an Angel
By Hinder

Honey why are you calling me so late
It's kinda hard to talk right now
Honey why are you crying is everything okay
I gotta whisper cause I can't be too loud
Well, my girls in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And yes I've dreamt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don't think she has a clue
Well my girls in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those wordsa it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
(And I never wanna say goodbye)
But girl you make it so hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
Honey why are you calling me so late

337 - just things

2008-03-12T16:49:00.000-04:00

Theres so many things happening I dont know where to start. It will all come out somehow but a bit messy and jumbled. Ill try to make sure that theres some sort of flow and that it all makes a little bit of sense.

Theres another girl that talks to SE in class and Im a bit 'hmmph' about it. It doesnt bother me what it does is amuse me. That I react that way towards someone who I dont really care about (the girl) in regards to the object of her attention (SE).

It makes me think and it really does amuse me. I smile and chuckle at myself at my reaction. Ill find myself wondering what they are whispering about. I guess another thing is I dont whisper with him. If I have something to say to him whether its something thats considered flirty Ill say it out loud and make sure that other people hear and can join in. Otherwise whispering just makes people wonder...like I did :)

Its mostly ribbing each other like you do when you have some sort of interest in someone. One of the people who I found extremely amusing and who was a big supporter of SE and I getting together and becoming a couple is no longer part of our class. Hes been asked to leave for reasons unknown. So Im sad to see him go and now I wonder who will take his place and tease us both in that respect. Im sure someone will.

It was a quiet affair for my sisters Birthday. We went to The Keg Steakhouse. I gave her what I thought would be well taken as far as gifts go. Money. I know not very original. But I wanted to make sure that I wasnt going to disappoint her with something that I would have picked out. Im not very girly when it comes to that. Im not a big fan of shopping for other people as Im not sure what they need, want or are looking at. Shopping for myself? Different story altogether.

We laughed, drank and ate enough to give my Visa a workout. Its not every day that your little sister turns 24. She tried to help with the bill but that just wouldnt do. She managed to slip me some bills before she got out of the car. Actually she slipped it into the center console and sent me a text message the day after to make sure I got it. Ill be returning what she left me. Silly girl. I love her.

We had a ridiculous amount of snow that fell over the weekend something upwards of 45 cms. Ill have to say it was beautiful. Magical even. Just not very nice for people who were driving around getting stuck. I was lucky to have gotten in on time so as to not have had those problems. I did help a few people go on with their drive. It was nice. I felt helpful and I was hoping that it would help with my karmic adventure of life.

Ive taken some pictures from my cell phone and hope that Im able to figure out how to get them up on the blog here. Theres a lot of snow. Driving around in it is done very carefully. Its hard to see around the corner to see whats coming. Better safe than sorry.

Its funny, Im not really available to do much, me being in training that is. Seeing how my time at home is taken up with preparing for the next day. Its difficult to make plans on short notice. Now that Im quite busy with preparing for the next day, my cell phone has been ringing off the hook. Sometimes when I forget to put it in vibrate while in class it will ring and Ill get teased about how popular I am. Dont worry I tease as good as I get.

Some of the instructors are really nice and tease me along with the class. Actually no ones really given me a hard time about it but Ive gotten better at making sure that its on silent or vibrate. They have enough to tease me about and Im just trying to keep it to a minimum.

Yesterday I did something that I wasnt sure was avoidable. I asked one of the guys I was with and they said that no matter how hot I was they wouldnt lie to me. I laughed and was taken aback a little bit as I wasnt fishing for compliments. I was just looking for honesty.

Spontaneous and unexpected compliments like that always put me in a good mood. So dont be shy about handing those out to people that you want to compliment. Its always nice. I find. You never know how much it means to that person so I recommend something as simple as 'you look really nice today' or 'that color really looks nice on you' Try those out and see how they work for you.

D and I were able to get together for a little while yesterday and it was a rollercoaster trying to set something up. It was fun and very funny. We talked about a few things that were serious and other things that involved us. I tend to shy and beat around the bush when it comes to having to ask him something sometimes. He thinks its cute. Im just glad that were able to talk about things that are on my mind and that hes open to talking about it and not just sweeping it under the rug.

Its funny, people thinking that Im pretty, hot or something along those lines. When I look at myself in the mirror I can see where I want to make improvements and where I am making improvements. I wonder if they can see it like I see it. Probably not. I mean they do see it but I think it doesnt bother them as much as it does me.

Thats why sometimes Its easy and others not so. Once we realize that people dont care about the same things we care about it will make us feel better. Knowing that we all have different perspectives and different ideas of whats hot or not.

One of my girlfriends is trying to set something up so that we can get together and spend some time together. Its hard with my schedule but were trying.

One of the instructors, the one my imagination runs wild with, is self conscious about something which I find adorable. We had some time to talk about things and that came up and I just smiled to myself thinking that if he knew what I was thinking...

I think it might be a little inappropriate for me to mention something now but in about 3 weeks when my training is finished Ill mention something. Of course Ill have to prefice it with something of an disclaimer so he'll get a bigger kick out of it.

I think he wanted me to be in his group today. He didnt realize that I was in a different group and pulled me aside. I had to mention that I didnt think I was with him and he kind of gave me that 'oh darn' look. Cute. Maybe another time...

Still on the treadmill for an hour a day at least Im starting to do interval training where I go all out for a minute every 10-12 minutes. Trying to trick my body :) Not sure if my body is being tricked but its a nice change of pace.

Im tired and feel like going to bed but I cant. I have so much to do. Im afraid of taking a nap because I might not wake up until morning. Id rather do what I need to do now and get it all done before I go to bed otherwise I run the risk of not being prepared.

One day at a time :)

March 8th

2008-03-08T10:28:00.002-05:00

Today is International Womens Day.

Its also my Sisters Birthday :)

Sister,

I love you on your Birthday and every day before but specially those that come after.

Always,
Your favorite sister :)

Dream, Fantasy, Truth or Fiction

2008-03-07T20:49:00.000-05:00

A soft touch moving from my spine to my neck wakes me. Back and forth the motion goes. Sometimes the hand moving over my buttocks. Cupping them gently only to move back up my spine and to rest against the back of my neck. Warm, comforting and familiar.

The hand moves to my waist and stays there. I feel him move his body closer to me and then his lips press against the back of my neck. Gently sending tingles down my spine as if his hand was still in motion.

My eyes remain closed choosing to heighten the intensity. I let out a little sigh and I inhale a long breath as his lips trail from my neck down my spine and kisses the dimples on my lower back. So soft is his touch. My arms, my chest and my breasts are soon covered in goosebumps.

I turn onto my stomach and rest my cheek on the pillow. His hand are now moving down the outside of my thighs to my ankles where he pulls them apart wide. I feel exposed and open while his hands trail up the inside of my legs.

His hand reaches the apex of my thighs. He covers me and I feel the heat from his hand. His fingers softly teases my opening. Slowly increasing the pressure so he feels the heat from the inside.

He presses into me. Making me tighten around him. I lift my stomach off of the bed giving him more room to move. Hoping that he understands my silent plea. His fingers has woken up a desire in me, getting me ready for him. Moving his body above mine. I feel his fingers slip out of me.

He kisses my neck and I feel his fingers on my lips, slowly moving side to side. Making them moist, teasing my lips open like he did earlier. He slips past my lips and I take them both into my mouth. Sucking them as I imagine having something else of his in my mouth.

He pulls his fingers from my mouth and as Im opening my eyes I see him close the distance between us and kisses me. Our tongues brushing against each other. He presses himself against my opening and teases me until I lift my hips off of the bed.

Better for him so slip inside me. I wiggle a little bit and feel him pulse against me. I let out a little sigh of impatience and feel himself push into me, stretching me, filling me. I pull away from his kiss and gasp at the feeling of fullness in me.

My body doesnt move. The feeling of being complete, of being filled warps around me and I want that feeling again which is where I lower my hips to the bed and squeeze him. Its his turn to freeze and gasp. I smile, happy to hear him gasp in pleasure.

I hear him take in a deep breath and moan as he pulls away and pushes back into me. My breath comes in quicker, matching his. I rise on my elbows, my hands tightly fisted. His face buried in my neck where his mouth is open and I hear him through clenched teeth saying 'baby you feel so good. I love how wet you get.'

Hearing those words make me move my hips up and down faster, squeezing him as my hips go down. The sensation affects me as well. Making my body respond. I feel a heat throughout my body and at my center, where we are joined it coats him with my heat.

I feel every inch of him as he pushes inside me. Deep. I feel him pulling away almost all the way and again when he plunges inside. Filling me. My mouth open and me encouraging him to continue. More is what I am looking for. More of him. More of what he is doing.

His hand snakes down my arm, across my stomach and down to my clit where he finds it slick and swollen. He takes his two fingers and traps my clit in between them and rubs his fingers back and forth against me. I tense and hold my breath. his fingers continue to rub back and forth and he slows down his pace until he stops while all the way inside me. His fingers rubbing left to right.

He stays still inside me,filling me, and he feels me squeezing him as I enjoy the ripples of pleasure his fingers are giving me. My hand snakes in between my body and the bed until my hand covers his. My fingers move over his and I trap his fingers in between mine. I move my fingers making his move at the same time. I move them in a way that makes me lift my hips up and make me cry out.

Feeling me tighten around him and hearing me cry out makes him feel me open for him and lets him move in and out of me. We both feel on our hands me dripping with desire. He quickens his pace, pushing me into the bed as our fingers bring me over the edge where he soon follows.

Still inside me. He holds me so were still together lying on our sides. He tightens his fingers around mine and we pull it away from me and he brings the back of my hand to his mouth and places a kiss in the center. Bringing it back in between my breasts we lay smiling, our breathing returning to normal.

336 - free

2008-03-06T20:53:00.005-05:00

I passed :) I'm happy and no longer dreading it because its all over and it all went well. Thanks for thinking of me if you did and if you did'nt I know you'll do so in the future sometime.
3 more weeks and Ill be finished unless something goes terribly wrong which we wont even think about will we?

Because reading BS looks strange Ill switch it to SB :) He and I were planning on getting together tonight. If he was able to leave Washington early. I was a little hesitant as I wasn''t sure if I had the tests Thurs or Fri.

I wanted to focus on that and not on other things that would really distract me and perhaps may make me late for the next day. So I told him what my schedule was like and where I needed to focus. I would have still spent time with him if he came down but not like I would have liked.

So he wasn't able to make it as the flights were all booked for the time he needed to fly OK though I had some paperwork to get done for tomorrow.

Its done. P is worried about me and my finances so hes offered to help me with them and Im unsure on how to proceed. Parts of me wants to and the other is questioning it. Im not in dire need of it but he so wants to help and It would just be too easy to take it.

I wonder...Is there anything in life thats free...

335 - nerves

2008-03-04T18:11:00.000-05:00

There is this boy in my training class and he catches my eye. He and I are part of the 6 people who are single in a class of 30. The rest of the class has brought it upon themselves to try to set us up. I joke about it and decline the offer. Though in my head I wonder what it would be like.

I cant answer for him but theres a good back and forth banter between us. If you recall back in preschool days of pigtail pulling, shoulder punches and lots of teasing. Thats how it is with this boy. Its fun but I hope that Im not taking anything too far and actually I don't really want to be leading him on or anything as that would not be right. Were working together... or soon will be.

Training is going well. I go in a bit nervous everyday as I'm hoping that that nervousness will keep me on my toes. Ive had to do a few tests and theres a big one this Friday. Its a big one. Theres 3 part to the test and if I fail any one of them I'm not able to continue and Ill need to redo all 3 tests after X amount of time and thats the last chance that Ill get to pass it all.
So a bit nerve wracking.

I'm hoping that I wont have to do it a second time and that I get through it all the first time. Send me your good thoughts at the end of the week. Thank you.

334 - thinking

2008-03-02T20:27:00.000-05:00

I laid my head on his chest. I wrapped my arm around him and it was perfect. We fit so well it made me smile. I felt him kiss the top of my head and I rubbed my cheek on his chest. Warm.

His hand ran up and down my arm sending tingles everywhere he touched me, making me sigh. We talked, listened and laughed and there were no tears this time. Just comfort.

I wished time stopped and we could have stayed like that forever. I wanted time to crawl. To slow and let me have him longer. I knew it wouldnt last. So I just enjoyed it all and knew that we would return to that moment another time.

We shared gentle kisses throughout our time together. Sweet and simple. I almost didnt want to let him go. Didnt want to let him get out of bed. I wanted to stay wrapped in each others arms and never let go. I smiled at that thought and just let it go. I turned and laid on my back for a moment.

Readying myself for his leaving. Instead he turned to his side and wrapped himself around me. Pressed his face into my neck and wrapped his arm and leg over me. We stayed that way for a while. My hand above and around the back of his head. Running my fingers through his hair.

We continued to talk and I calmed him down after he started talking about a tense subject. He apologized for venting. I said I didnt mind.

He left at 1am. I crawled back into bed and missed him already. Missed his warmth. I even missed holding his hand. I sent him a couple of text messages hoping he would get them in the morning. He did.

I slept thinking of him still being in bed with me. I woke up thinking the same thing.

For you

2008-02-29T20:28:00.004-05:00

You didn't hear me when I said it. At least I don't think you did. You might have heard me and decided it was better not to deal with it then. I don't think you heard me. I said ' I think I'm falling in love with you'. I wanted you' to hear me say it. I couldn't say it again out loud and instead what came out was tears. I chickened out and was scared of your reaction.

You pulled me close and wrapped your arms around me and told me that its ok. Is it? What is.

It might not be the best thing for you to be told at the moment.. much less read about it.

I don't know when, I don't know how. I don't know why. It just really feels good when you're near. I would hope that you feel a little of that too but I know that its very unlikely.

You not feeling the same way is OK. There are so many things that I cant control. Feeling this way feels like it should fall under that category. Sad to say that you are'nt able to control it either.

Im stuck in the middle of wanting and not wanting. This may or not make sense. I want you for many reasons. I dont want you for the reasons you don't want me to.

Maybe in another life we were together and theres something that calls me to you. I cant explain it. Theres nothing about you that I don't like. Maybe there is something... I just havent come across it.

Sometimes I feel like an inexperienced child around you. You've helped me in ways you dont even realize.

Thank you.

This isn't made to make you feel uncomfortable, not meant to make you run away from me, not meant to have you reciprocate anything that I am feeling. Its just meant to share with you.

Youve become one of my closest friends. Other than my sister, you know so much about me that no one else knows.

Maybe I love you as a friend. I already know I do. I love you as a person. Ive told you before I think you are one of the best people I know.

Sometimes I'm too honest and open but I dont know how else to be.

I dont expect anything to change because of what youre currently reading. In fact Im not even thinking it wil personally help me in any way... If anything I might even be shooting myself in the foot.

Maybe you are my fantasy which happens to be someone elses reality. If so whatever this is. Im enjoying it. As it is.

I know Im not a priority in your life. I thoroughly enjoy that you share what you do with me. I wish I could be involved in your life more than I am now but know that its not possible.

I love spending time with you. On the phone, going out together, sharing a bed and any other way I can get you.

I'm not expecting more than how things are right now. For now. I also don't want you to feel bad that I feel the way I do. I certainly don't feel bad. Its just not in the cards. It is what it is.

Just know that you are someone special in my life and that having feeling for you comes as unexpected as you reading about it here.

Theres a part of me that loves you... the rest of me knows that I cant have you.

333 - flying by

2008-02-28T16:22:00.002-05:00

The days fly by when Im in training. Its a lot of fun but draining. I like it. Its been a while since Ive been challenged this way so Its exciting and all the trainers are really nice. I haven't met them all but Im sure at some point I will.

Its already Thursday and I feel like this has been the longest week ever. Its almost over and we have some really important things to do tomorrow and pass as well.

Im nervous about it yes but I'm sure I will do my best which is all that I can do.

Ive been pretty tired at night after homework and after the treadmill. Good tired not dead tired. I miss my naps and I miss having sex for lunch. I miss sex overall as its not happening as much as I would like it to be happening.

That seems to be a re occuring statement I make on this blog. It just came to me that Im pretty sure Ive shared that with you before.

Ill have 4 more weeks left of training starting next Monday. Looking forward to it. I have moments. Usually once a ay while I am training where I think 'Is this for me? Is this something I want to do? What happens if after training I find out I just don't like it' That thought doesnt lat very long but the lingering effects of it stays long enough. Ill think about it and talk about that with D and he helps bring it all back and is very supportive.

I have been in hiding from a lot of peope and try to get in touch with people to touch base. Theres just too much and people are continuing to ask me to join Facebook or MySpace so I can just send a mass message to everyone so its all out there.

Not something I want to do at the moment. I dont want everyone knowing my business. Its on a need to know basis. Right? :)

I cant believe tomorrow is Friday. The week flew by me and Ive been on auto pilot somehow. I remember doing things but its all blurring together. I hope Im OK.

Its the end of February and March will be here. I cant wait for the snow to melt and I can leave my windows rolled down and wear skirts and dresses.

332 - Go Sens Go :)

2008-02-25T20:39:00.000-05:00

Darling 'I have a question.'

D - OK...

Darling Well, ...............(silence on my end)..... Um Never mind

D - ok...

Darling - Its just that it will sound vain and shallow...

D - If you have a question just ask. Its ok.

Darling changes the topic and we both laugh at something funny and as hes laughing... I ask very softly...

Darling - Do you think I'm pretty?

D - Do I think you're pretty? I know I'm not very giving when it comes to that kind of thing... but wait a sec do you think I would be sleeping with you if you weren't.

Darling - Well... Im sure it happens out there to some people. I...

D - I think you're really pretty.

Snippets of conversations from last night with D.

D - Guys at work will fall over themselves over you. You will love the attention. I know this.

Darling - Oh yeah? says who? You know... I think its already happening and I'm only in training. They were trying to convince me to buy a house and if I needed my driveway cleared of snow, they were sure they could have a list of guys who would love to help me out in that area... besides... I like the attention that I get from you.

D - (smiles and gives me a kiss)

I hadn't seen him in more than a week and it was getting to the point where we were both getting frustrated about that. So he came over last night after work and we had sex. It was great. I cant even write about it. Yet :)

My body still living in the memory of last night and is doing all very good things at the moment. TMI.. sorry.

D - Did I tell you about my new budget?

Darling - (laughs) another one? What happened to the previous one?

D - I didn't have a previous one.

Darling - Yes you did... (and I went into detail about what it was and he agreed with me.)

D - OK well this one is a bit different.

We talk about it and Its very doable. He mentioned that he will keep the budget until I'm done training as then it will have to be upped as we'll see each other more. As we wont see each other or go out as much in the next 5 weeks because of me still being in training. I told him to enjoy the savings as it will change when I'm on the priority list in 5 weeks.

I do expect to be on some kind of priority list when I a finished training.

He told me what he made on his lat pay cheque and in my head I wowed but thats OK, Ill make that same amount.. not for 2 years but thats OK. Time flies does it not? He asked how I was with my finances and I told him I wasn't worried about it as I wasn't thinking about it.

I mean I haven't changed any of my habits. I still go shopping and pick up things that I know I might not need and end up giving away. If I don't end up making dinner for myself then I eat something easy like soup and sammies.

Ive been eating really healthy and am continuing the daily use of the treadmill which helps when I come home from training.

Training is fun though I think thats just my personal way of putting a spin on what some people call intense and difficult. Its all in how you look at things.

More to come and I'm trying to find time to finish posts and reply to comments. Ive got a USB thingy that I can use to start and work on posts so its a matter of just getting the internet to hook it all up with. I'm looking forward to it and Go Sens Go!

:)

331 - SURPRISE!!

2008-02-19T21:00:00.003-05:00

Here is a picture of The Big Dog. A little treat for those curious to see what she looks like.

Shes turning 8 this year. The white around her face has been there for a few years already.

We came in from a snowy night one time and someone commented about how cute it was that The Big Dog had snow on her face.

I just smiled and we kept walking into the building.

I miss not having to wake up at a certain time, to be somewhere... to be on time... to have to do things. I miss my week off. Im pet sitting for my sister tonight so I helped myself to her internet. I thought you might appreciate that and I was able to figure out the pictures :)

Will try to find a way to post about my training without giving it away too much.

Just what you were all hoping the first picture would be... a dog :)

So Ive figured out how to post pictures. Simple really. Just a matter of getting the right photo that I want to share.

Now I wonder where to go from here...

330 - BS

2008-02-17T10:01:00.000-05:00

''Hey Valentine ...I miss you, I want you my gorgeous Darling....thanks for the teaser yesterday...just makes me want and lust after you all the more.''

That was sent to me from W. Hes not a regular in The Soup. Hes a sweetheart who is just that. very sweet. Ive known him for about 2 years or so and hes always managed to send me little notes and messages here and there. Even if I dont reply with anything in a period of time. He continues to send me something sweet.

There never will be anything between us. There are too many things that are in the way. Though our libidos recognize each other. The mind knows what it wants even if its not allowing the body to be satisfied.

The mind is fully aware and capable of alternate ways of providing pleasure.

A new addition to The Soup. I pronounced -eye- Seeing as I use I often in my blog I will refer to I as INZ. So as to not complicate things and to keep the flow easy.

I did end up seeing D for an hour while he was at work. He called me putting it out there that if I had an hour free that he would be happy to see me if I was OK with going to his work for that time. I did. Im such a geek.

Nothing but conversation happened which was good. It was nice.

BS got into town and called me. I was undecided about whether I was going to see him at all much less spend the night with him. I thought if I did spend the night would be expect to have sex with me.

I dont see why he wouldn't think we werent going to have sex. I don't think he imagined us just laying around and not do anything. I can but I dont fully understand the male mid yet. Though it might be that the past might dictate how he sees the future.

We met for drinks. I told D about that and he sounded a bit surprised that I was going. And going somewhere fancy. I told him I would have been happy with our usual bar we go to but he was working late.

So off I went to meet BS. It was really good to see him. It had been a while. We had a few drinks and then...

329 - male and female minds

2008-02-14T13:45:00.000-05:00

I was talking to a friend of mine last night and we talked about a lot of things. I was in one of those moods where my mind was all over the place and I kept it together as much as I could.

We talked about sex and we shared when we had sex last. His was last weekend, mine was earlier that afternoon. Something in me sparked and I asked him not to freak out, I told him I was a bit jealous that he had sex with someone else.

His reply was 'good'. Me being confused with his answer made me reply with 'good?!!?' Thats not what I was expecting him to say. I wasnt looking for any kind of answer but that just threw me off. He said that he got jealous too when he heard I had sex recently.

We both agreed that that was weird but glad that it wasn't just one person feeling that way.

We talked about cycles and since I brought up a few new changes and new developments in my life he mentioned that I might be on a new cycle. He calls it the 7 year cycle. Me turning 28 is the start of a new cycle.

I thought about that for a moment and agreed with him. Thinking about the recent changes and the new feelings I have regarding men, life and how there are things that I feel have been altered in the recent past.

I told him I was a little worried about what happens to women sexually when they reach a certain age. Where they seem to be more sexual. He agreed with me about being worried as hes aware of my sexual history. The thing is hes not 100 % aware of the history and he only knows about 60% of it.

Timing plays a big part in my worry as Im just starting the new job and I just want to have that kind of interruption.. more like distraction. No matter how sweet the distraction makes me feel.

We talked about the frequency of the sex that happens in our lives and I said I wasnt getting nearly enough of it and there are a few reasons for it. Some Im aware of others Im not so sure of. We got into detail about what I missed about it. Certain things that I need a partner for :)

Somehow it came up that I thought of sex like a man. We compared how often we thought of sex and were pretty much even and that was surprising to him as he thinks he thinks of it way too much.

We shared how seeing anyone throughout our day lets us imagine how they might smell, sound, taste and feel. How their hands might feel on our bodies and which positions they prefer and all that good stuff. He says it keeps him sane. Me? To be determined.

He said at the end, that it doesn't matter how I approach sex Ill always be a woman and theres something there that will make me 'feel'. I smiled, if a little sadly and told him that ' I knew that'.

He also said that the sex that Ill be having for the next 7 years will be nothing like Ive had before. He says this through experience. I told him that would be great and I hoped it would happen that way, as Ive had really great experiences so far. This is a wait and see situation.

I am a little discouraged today at my level of fitness. I am getting ahead of myself as I want to be the woman that my mind has. It wont be something that happens right away which is unfortunate. But such is how things work when its something good. It takes time and effort.

BS from Calgary will be in town for a couple of days and Ill be spending some time with him while he is in town. Its been a while since Ive last seen him so it should be a good time. Im still feeling a bit maudlin so I hope that hes not looking for the upbeat and uber energetic Darling that hes used to. Most likely he is and I will have to summon some energy somehow.

So today so far, Ive had a facial, manicure, pedicure and Ive done my morning hour on the treadmill. Ill be working out with Carmen Electra later on and we'll do our thing. Ill perfect that little dance of hers soon.

Topping the night of with dinner and drinks with BS. I'm undecided if Ill be spending the night with him. Ill pack an overnight bag just in case.

I have no plans with D and there weren't any made. He called and said Happy Valentines Day this morning which was nice. I think hes noticing that I'm pulling away a little bit. Theres a hesitation and an 'are you sure' tone in his voice when were on the phone and nearing the end of the call and I'm not all girly with him.

He called again a little later telling me about his night and how he was thinking of calling in sick today to spend the day with me. Thats something I would have enjoyed but now I dont know why I wasnt all excited about it.

I guess its not as much fun if I'm the only one putting out the effort into something. Its a lesson for me to learn. Limits. When to realize that enough is enough and how much I 'can be' with someone isn't always how much I will be with that someone.

Happy Valentines Day... Love the One you're with.

328 - Time and Money

2008-02-13T09:59:00.000-05:00

Another day left to my own devices and Ive managed to spend 250$. Thats the bad news. The good news is that Ive brought home my new treadmill and set it up all in the same day and have managed to log in roughly 3 hours on it. Two of those hours in one day. It feels good to get back on a treadmill.

I did manage to do the .3 of the 2.3 hours dressed in only a hairclip. It was a long day of running around and then lugging this heavy piece of machinery into my place and then figuring out how to get it all set up and going. So by the time I was ready for bed. I thought Id try it out and see how she goes. She doesn't mind me being naked. I must get some blinds though as its right along the living room windows.

I fed my friend some Chinese food that we picked up on the way back from picking up some tools that we would need. I have tools just not an adjustable wrench. My tools consist of a small hammer and a screwdriver thingy that have the bits inside the handle. Oh and some screws in a little container. Does a roll of velcro count as a tool? If so I have that too.

Not working sure is nice. Ive got the week off and Im on a roll. Ive been sleeping an extra hour in the morning and I'm sleeping late... which gets later and later. That has to change. My hours for training is earlier than I'm used to.

I plan on getting ahead by not sleeping so late and getting up early enough to make sure I get to work on time and in control.

Oh and no more shopping needlessly for me. In a matter of 2 days Ive spend over 800$.
Where has my good sense gone??

I saw D yesterday for lunch and we went out to a restaurant. We will be seeing each other this afternoon for some much needed private time. I'm getting used to the idea that he isn't feeling the same way I am. It would be nice it he were but if it isn't so then it just isn't so. Maybe in another life. Or maybe its all in the timing.

I don't mind that I feel more than he does. Ive been honest with him the whole way through and I have nothing to be ashamed of. Feeling and wanting to be close to someone isn't a bad thing. Its nice. In a way its a gift. Loving someone. Theres no conditions. Its just there. They don't have to do anything with it. They just need to be open to it.

The hard part about having feelings for someone is the responsibility that comes with accepting it. Its a gift, a present. Its fragile and delicate. So in a way. I'm the one that has it easy. What he does with it is his decision. Ill respect and have since we've met. We both weren't looking for what we have as we have it now. But its here and we've done well with it so far.

So if I put all that aside, where do I stand? I'm still a single girl whose enjoying life and the people, places and things in it. Connecting with other men isn't something I don't want. If it happens it happens. But Im not out there actively looking for it. These things just happen.

Ill be buried with training for a while so I dont see a huge romance or sexual awakening happening in that time but no one ever really knows do they? Ill be making good use and will be putting the treadmill to good use.

Its time to take care of my body. Ive taken care of other things... or things have worked themselves out and I no longer feel the need to throw myself at him :)

I had some time thinking while I splurged on a small frozen yogurt at the mall. My social life is a bit slow and I'm undecided about how I feel about that. One one side I miss the hectic schedule that I sometimes have trying to fit time in a day to see people, do things and make sure that I'm on top of everything. I miss that.

On the other hand I like not having to juggle it all at the same time. Its nice to have time to not be planning all the time. Its nice to just be able to jump on the treadmill and go. My mind will wander while my legs move.

I know its just a lull, it will get hectic again at some point. I just hope that it will hold off until I'm finished with training. Otherwise I'm afraid it will affect how I do during training. Time to prioritize accordingly.

Dream, Fantasy, Truth or Fiction

2008-02-11T15:20:00.000-05:00

We had our pinkies linked together. I thought that was cute. We got to my apartment and went straight to my bedroom. He commented on my new bedding and we got underneath. It was nice and cozy. I kissed his chest before resting my head there. He stroked my hair. My leg rubbed against his. He turned me so I was laying on top of him. We kissed.

We did more than kiss. Hands were on each others bodies. Touching, stroking, teasing. When our eyes weren't locked on each other they were closed tightly in pleasure. Almost as if even seeing the pleasure the other was having would push us over the edge.

He held my breasts in his hands while my body slid over him, my hands covered his. I could feel him inside me and I told him how good it felt. His hands slid from my breasts and mine stayed. His went to my hips.

I saw him clench his teeth. I slowed my movement, put both hands on the bed and brought myself down, bringing my nipple to his mouth. His tongue circled around and his hands held my hips while he pressed himself inside me. I moaned in pleasure. I heard him mumble something about how he loved feeling how wet I get with him.

I tilted my hips and froze for a second with a gasp. There. Right there. So close. Just a little more. I could hear his breathing just by my ear. Hard fast and very much a turn on. I sat up on top of him and looked at him and told him not to cum yet. I smiled. I moved over him slowly then started to move a little quicker. Holding hands. I let him watch. I let him hear. I let him feel me going over the edge where he soon followed.

We stayed in bed for a while. He held me. It was nice.

327 - weekend posting

2008-02-09T11:27:00.000-05:00

Thursday Feb 7th was my last day at work. I hardly did any work but I still ended up with great stats for the day. The two new girls were on their way to learning what they needed to know. I still laugh and think that they hired them both to replace me. A bit flattering and a bit high on my horse as well.

I knew they were going to order cake for me which I was nice. I ordered enough food to feed 20 people or so for lunch. It was great. Some of them didn't know it was my last day and it was a great day. Some people cried. I didn't. It was nice.

Wednesday night we went to a bar and I was a little worried it would be a bit nutty but it wasn't. It was just right. The right amount of people came and we all had a great time. My cheeks hurt throughout the night from the laughing. Drinks were replenished quickly and food was hot and tasty.

I exchanged phone numbers with some people in hopes of keeping in touch. I don't have high hopes but if we happen to get together every so often for drinks to fill each other in on whats happening then that would be great as well.

I left J1 thinking it will no longer be where I go the next morning. Wont be the place I call work. Wont be where I see the same people day after day. I didn't feel sad about that. Ifelt sad that I wasnt sure if I would be happy in where I was going. Just jitters I guess. Nothing unusual. People feel this when changing jobs.

Friday morning I didn't sleep in. I woke up at the same time. My orientation was that morning and I was running a bit late. I thought as I was rushing to my car. 'Great, I dont even have the job and Im late for it... nice way to get things off not he right foot. Rushing'

I got there with 15 minutes to spare and safe in the knowledge my car wasnt going to be towed nor would I get a ticket. I bit the bullet and paid the 10$ to park my car in a lot. I thought I was the last one there as there were already about 20 people in the conference room. I was wrong. We waited another 20 minutes before everyone was there.

I was under the impression there would be around 15 people in this class and there was double that. They explained needing that many people as there was a shortage and that there were more people eligible to retire in the company and they wanted to make sure that they adjusted the numbers for that.

So there are 30 of us and the next time we'll be seeing each other is Feb 18th.

I have a week off. Had I planned to go down south. I would have left last night... or this morning. I don't think it will happen. It didn't feel right for a number of reasons. I wasn't sure who was going to come with me. Where I was going to go. If I had the finances to cover all my expenses and theres also meeting all my appointments. Plus as a friend of mine pointed out. I might just be worrying about the 18th and not enjoy myself as much as I would.

Thats OK that I'm not going. Its still nice to fantasize about it and the various people that might have been able to come with. Im not even sure if I'll be going to Toronto.

I worked at the bar last night and it was a little crazy. The other girls I usually work with weren't there and I was in charge. I usually don't mind this but I just was not in the right mind to be in charge. I was looking forward to an easy night of pouring drinks and flirting. This was not the case last night.

My Co2 died on me. So the beer was flat. I cannot have that so I did a switcheroo. There was enough head to go around :) My drain wasn't working and wasn't going to where it was supposed to. I couldn't fix that I wrote a work order for it for the boss. My floors got all wet and slippery. Got someone to get a mop and used it as often as needed. The counts were off and top that there was a secret shopper checking up on us and making sure we were ID'ing anyone who looked under 30. thats right under 30.

I don't know if Ive mentioned that I'm really bad with ages and I think everyone is another age than they really are. So I flattered some people and offended others. Not working with the usual girls and working with girls who I find are not very efficient didn't help.

I have to say that we had the best looking bar last night. We all had great hair. All down and styled. Sexy. I should have taken a picture. It wasn't very busy but that was OK. With all the things that went wrong I was happy about that.

I told those that needed to know that I might have to change my schedule due to getting the new job. I wont totally stop working there. Its a vain thing I guess. I know if I still work in a bar then I must be somewhat attractive. You don't see many bartenders who aren't nice to look at right?

About J3 I will be leaving at some point. Most probably sometime in March. Until then I continue on.

Oh and for those of you wondering.. since I usually don't blog on weekends Im at the library. I get an hour to use the internet so I thought Id blog to update.

Hope yo u all have a great weekend.

326 - Treadmills

2008-02-06T16:02:00.000-05:00

Second to last day here at J1. The passed 2 weeks have been great. Busy, I probably shouldnt admit this to anyone much less blog about it but I think the last 2 weeks of work for me is worse than Christmas Holidays.

At Christmas time you have your big dinner and then you may have some leftovers for a couple of days. This last 2 weeks have not been great. I'm out for lunch with a few people *almost daily and we eat and drink. After work theres more eating and drinking.

I dont think Im overeating when I do go out. I think its just the fact that its everyday. That and Im not doing the required work out needed to burn the calories that Ive taken in.

Which brings me to going out this weekend and lookng for a treadmill. I would buy one used as there are a lot of people who are selling theirs. Im just not comfortable bringing in someone elses failure into my home. So in a way I am strange.

I would rather start off fresh, clean and new. Should be fun. I am worried though that my legs will become scary looking with all the time I'll be spending on it. I would rather not picture my leg muscles bulging out with veins popping looking like they are about to burst. Ewwwwww!

So thats my latest venture, to get a treadmill.

Treadmill instead of a social life. That seems fair or does it. I guess this way it will make me be even more specific (as Im picky already) about who I want to spend my time with, now that Im making this commitment to the soon to be acquired treadmill.

I dont mind potentially cutting down on my social life with the training coming up as I will be on probation until the end of the year. So I wouldnt want to get into any kind of messes. So my solution is to work out and concentrate on The New Job... and finesse my organizational skills regarding time and The Soup.

Time will tell...

I spoke with the owner of J1 and he offered me a position back with the company whenever I want one and doing something else that he thinks I might do well in. I told him that I appreciate him thinking of me for that position and that I would definately keep it in mind. We also joked about how I most probably will be his bartender somewhere. I also told him that I would keep the stories of his antics quiet. We both laughed and that was another bridge left intact.

Every department now knows that I am leaving and were all getting together tonight at a bar. Should be an interesting mix.

P is sending me text messages from Australia.

*almost daily as there have been a few days where Ive had D for lunch.

325 - training

2008-02-05T11:14:00.000-05:00

Guess who is training one of the new girls?

guess

What I Think of When

2008-02-04T16:25:00.000-05:00

This song makes me think of what guys do when they get home from a night out of looking at some really attractive girls. Ill include guys that do end up with a girls phone number but not quite getting her home to his place. Any guy. I wonder if they do take things in hand. Some must, not always but I guess it depends on the amount of women and the attractiveness factor... oh and I cant forget the amount of alocohol ingested.

Which makes me think and wonder what happens at home say after a date with a girl they are interested in. If there is no hanky panky between the 2. What does the guy do. The other Im wondering about is after guys go to a strip club. Oh my curiousity does get the better of me sometimes.

Pink

You and your hand

Check it out

Going out

On the late night

Looking tight

Feeling nice

It's a cock fight

I can tell

I just know

That it's going down

Tonight

At the door we don't wait 'cause we know them

At the bar six shots just beginning

That's when dickhead put his hands on me

But you see

I'm not here for your entertainment

You don't really wanna mess with me tonight

Just stop and take a second

I was fine before you walked into my life

Cause you know it's over

Before it began

Keep your drink, just gimme the money

It's just you and your hand tonight

Midnight

I'm drunk

I don't give a f**k

Wanna dance

By myself

Guess you're outta luck

Don't touch

Back up

I'm not the one

by-bye

Listen up, it's just not happening

You can say what you want to your boyfriends

Just let me have my fun tonight-aight

I'm not here for your entertainment

You don't really wanna mess with me tonight

Just stop and take a second

I was fine before you walked into my life

Cause you know it's over

Before it beganKeep your drink, just gimme the money

It's just you and your hand tonight

In the corner with your boys you bet up five bucks

To get at the girl that just walked in but she thinks you suck

We didn't get all dressed up just for you to see

So quit spilling your drinks on me yeah

You know who you are

High five and talkin' shit,

but you're going home alone arentcha?

'Cause I'm not here for your entertainment (No)

You don't really want to mess with me tonight

Just stop and take a second (Just stop and take a second)

I was fine before you walked into my life

Cause you know it's over (Know it's over)

Before it began

Keep your drink just gimme the money

It's just you and your hand tonight (It's just you and your hand)

324 - in the air

2008-02-01T12:17:00.000-05:00

They are on a hiring frenzie here at J1. The rest of the group is a bit put off by it, because not only are they hiring someone to replace me. They are looking to hire a second person as well. They have each individually spoken to management and brought up the topic of a raise and that was turned down.

Someone put it this way. 'They need to hire two people to replace you?' I just laughed at that and silently agreed.

Instead of keeping their current employees happy they will go ahead and hire someone newOK 2 new people now. Im not sure why that is as they will save more money by giving everyone a raise. Keep them happy and show them that they are valued as employees. When the department brings in, in one month 45 Gs more than the same month the year before. Theres room to share the wealth, just a tiny bit of it.

There are 2 other people in my dept who are looking for something different. They are seeing that there is no give from the company even when they are working hard and producing. I dont blame them. One day after theyve hired enough people and are trying to figure out why they cant hold on to their employees they might decide to make the position a little more attractive by making it more attractive.

So Im happy that I have found something new and different. Im nervous about it but thats normal. They are calling for 25+ cm of snow starting today. Im not looking forward to that. I think it will be a movie night in.

I see D once a week now that our schedules are insane again. I miss him a little but not enough to make me do anything rash. He calls me throughout the day and we talk for a while. Its nice. Im not asking to see more of him. I shouldnt have to. Its at a point where Im backing away little by little.

I went out with one of my girlfriends who works with someone that wants to meet me. I asked her if I knew him and she said no. I asked her how he knew about me and she has mentioned me a few times in their conversations. She wants to set us up. I told her to go for it.

I told her a few things regarding The Soup and how things are going there and she asked me if I had time to meet with J2. I said Id make time. Its never THAT busy. I can always make time to meet with someone for 30 min to see if theres anything there to pursue. No matter if they dont make it in The Soup for any reason. That doesnt mean were not meant to be friends.

I have missed 2 of J1s calls. Im undecided about J. Im thinking of how I can fit J into my schedule and how much maintenance it will be to keep him in The Soup. Here are my thoughts. He is mobile which works for me as he lives about a 45 minute drive from me and Im not familiar with his area and well... Im just not a fan of long commutes.

His only mode of communication is the telephone. Which I usally dont mind as thats usually the best way to get me. But I do enjoy the occaional email. What I dont like is that he only calls me between 4-5pm. If I should be busy and in the middle of something or tied up :) I dont have a number to reach him so I just leave it to him to get in touch with me and leave messages if he cant get me.

Which makes me think that he has either a girlfriend/wife that wouldnt appreciate a message left for him from yours truly. I know youre thinking that I should just ask for his number but Ill pass. That means that I have the ability to call him, which I wont. So theres no real point in having it.

We shall see.

I heard from A and hes working on something and will call me back to let me know. Hes another elusive one. Im glad nothing sexual has happened between us. (for now) As it seems it would be a vanishing act after the act. I hear from him every few weeks if that. So I wouldnt want to get physically involved with someone that I knew wasnt... reliable, consistent or detailed. But things could always turn around. Who knows!?

M3 is thinking of coming to Ottawa for a night if my plans for a vacation dont go through. Im undecided there as he has certain ideas and Im all for them but on my time. I tell him that it will happen just not when he wants it because I dont plan things all the time. When things are planned I feel out of place. IE. Planning to go out for dinner and drinks is ok. What happens during dinner and while were having drinks is unknown. Hes got ideas of going to a place and having this done and that done and then continue to do this and that.

That doesnt do it for me and really doesnt do him any good as it just turns me off and away from wanting to do things with him. I try to tell him that but when thats all hes thinking of and hes thinking that hes lucky that I havent slapped him in the face and walked away. I think he thinks I like it but I dont. Again Ive told him and he just wont listen.

What he doesnt understand is that we will get together and when we do we will.. do things. It just wont be how he thinks it will happen. Leave some spontenaity in it. I told him that expecting things to happen a certain way will only leave him disappointed.

If I happen not to go away for a week I think Ill visit a friend of mine in Toronto. Time away for relaxing. Things are all up in the air.

My Inbox

2008-01-31T16:16:00.000-05:00

A sample of an email I might find in my inbox...
Warning- very descriptive.
I apologize if this offends anyone.

Continue with caution...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

You come across as a facinating and sexy woman. I'm sure you're getting a lot of attention from men! So, why should you give the time of day to me?

I'm not Brad Pitt, but what I am is a stable, mature professional with a goofy sense of humour and a conviction that the very best thing in life is driving women wild with ecstacy.

If you're looking for a man who can devote himself to pleasing you, and I can do that, and more. If you want and idea of how....well this gets a bit explicit, and I hope you're not offended nothing ventured, nothing gained!

Firstly, I'd love to look deeply into your brown eyes, then, I'd like to kiss you - softly, not rushing, tasting you. Then perhaps stand behind you so that I could send warm kisses down your neck while my hands start to wander over your body - cupping your breasts, squeezing your ass, fingertips dancing over your exposed skin. I'd like to take your clothes off one at a time, my warm mouth greeting every part of you that is revealed.

I'd run my hands over your exposed skin - my fingertips lightly brushing your lips, your belly, the small of your back, my knuckles grazing over your pussy, my hands feeling the strength in your legs. Perhaps I'd take your breasts in my mouth, sucking strongly, but gently too, my tongue flicking over your nipples, while my hand slides down between your legs - my palm against your clit while my two middle fingers curl and uncurl inside of you, so that the vibrations travel up my hand, through my palm and back into you.

Perhaps I'd flip you onto your belly, so that my hands could stroke, a bit more firmly now, down every part of you, from the nape of your neck to your legs. And after teasing and tickling your feet, and sucking on your toes, I'd go down on you - I LOVE doing that to my women! How though??? Perhaps licking your pussy like a cat with cream, strokes from top to bottom? Or covering your with my warm mouth, so that my tongue can vibrate against your clit while two fingers corkscrew in-and-out of you? I don't know - what do you think????

And while I'm doing all of this, I'd probably be telling you how much I love it, how much it turns me on, the feel, and taste, and warmth of you. Not that I'd need to tell you - as I move on and around you, you'd feel my cock brushing you occasionally - hard as a rock, pulsing with desire for you, but willing to wait while your every need is fulfilled. You see, there is NOTHING more erotic in the world to me than turning a woman on, hearing her breathing get deeper, then ragged, feeling the little involuntary muscle moves that come as she slowly, deliciously loses control, as pure pleasure floods her senses and sweeps her away. I know that I'm going to have a great time, so my question is how to please her!

Don't get me wrong - I'd be vibrating with desire for you - I'd want to find out how you like to be taken, in what rhythm, whether you like to be surprised, how much control you want or how out of control you want to feel. Perhaps I'd lie you flat on your stomach, my legs around yours, so I could slide in from behind, deep, powerfully, with a slow rythmic fuck, accelerating, getting wilder.... or perhaps have you ride me, or take me in your warm mouth after you've found your own heights of pleasure. But whether your mouth or your pussy, I would want to get totally lost in the wonderful warmth of you...

So that's what I offer, and what I want. I hope this is appeals to you - try me and you won't be disappointed!

Hope to hear back from you soon...

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Interesting...

323 - randomness

2008-01-28T16:00:00.000-05:00

So I'm getting used to the Mac Book. Its slow going but I'm getting to learn my way around it. It mostly sits there pretty in white. I figured black was slimming but the white one would be classier. I just now need a case to bring it around with me. That has yet to happen. Bringing it with me. But I will. One day. When I know how to use it and when I know Ill be able to get the Internet wherever I am.

The LegMatic is a great 13 minute workout that hurts in the best way possible. No pain no gain when working out right? I don't know if Ive shared this but I cancelled my membership to the gym and I am continuing my work out at home. Not as religiously as I should but as usual its a work in progress.

Ive also gotten a couple of new DVDs to use for working out. It will all come together. I will become the girl in my head.

There are mirrors and artwork that still have to be put up which I haven't done yet. The things that have gone up haven't been put up by yours truly. They have been put up by my brother and my sisters boyfriend. February will mark my one year anniversary in this apartment and I look around and there are still things in boxes in the storage room, I have an empty bedroom and there are things that still have to find a home and be installed.

There are different time zones in my apartment. My room and the living room have clocks that don't keep the same time. The oven clock and microwave aren't set for the same time. Actually now that I think about it, even my cell phones don't have the right time.

I use that to trick myself. Get to work or anywhere on time. I'm not a chronic latecomer. I'm usually early for things and I credit it to the screwed up way all my clocks are ahead. Even when I think its 20 minutes ahead I find out I'm still early by 15 minutes.

Its funny but I think I should set the clocks and phones to the right time and see how that works for me. If it doesn't work out then I can always move them all ahead by odd times. Soon the time will come.

My plants are doing well. Really well. I have roses on my dining room table every week. They are pretty in the vase they are in. I have to get a CD case for all the old Cd's I have I don't listen to. I think I only have about 50 Cd's. Ill go through them all and toss out the ones that I'm not a fan of. Don't ask how they ended up there. Ill send them to Sally Ann as well

Ill have to get another Rubbermaid container thingy for DVDs that Ive accumulate. Not having cable TV makes me a DVD fan. Watch it at my leisure.

The Big Dog seems happier and she doesn't seem so down. I think the weather might have been part of the problem. It affects everyone even the pets. The snow here has melted with the rain that came down. Its now getting back to cold wintery weather. I almost think its a tease to have had a mini break from the cold. I'm undecided about having a warm spell in the middle of winter.

Oh and to clarify the T-shirts that D brought over. We've roll them up diagonally and tied knots at both ends and that becomes a toy for The Big Dog.

A coworker was meeting someone near my apartment building and I offered to drive her since were off work at the same time, she doesn't drive but takes the bus. I asked her if she wanted to meet The Big Dog as she likes dogs and has four of her own. Yes that's right four of them... and she wants more. I told her to be careful as she will soon be known as the crazy dog lady.

I gave her a tour of my apartment after she played with The Big Dog for a while and she was really surprised about how gentle The Big Dog was for her breed. After a little while I had to take The Big Dog for her walk and mentioned that we could walk her to where she needed to go as that it was really on the way.

There was a moment where I felt weird having her at my place. Why? You ask? Well it didn't dawn on me to recall this at the time I was offering her a ride or to come over to my place. She told me about her dream. Her dream had her and I together at her place for some drinks and then in bed... together. She didn't elaborate on anything else but that. Interesting I say.

My sister and I left notes on post it notes at my Dads place. We put them in places we knew he would eventually go to and hopefully find. We also wrote him lengthy letters. I don't remember much about what I write but I remember crying while I write it. He called to tell me he cried while he was reading it. Cheesy I know. But I don't mind it.

He still calls every other day to let us know that he found another post it. It makes us all laugh. My sister and I used his digital camera to take silly pictures of us around the apartment. Were not sure if he has seen them yet. I'm still waiting to see pictures that were taken while we were there. Other than those on my cell phone of course. My sister and I have been meaning to get together again so we can trade things. She needs her boots and I need my memory stick. Pictures to come should I figure out how to do it.

I haven't talked to my brother in a while and I think I might have said something to him that wasn't so nice. Ill have to apologize to make nice. I'm not sure if its the reason for why I think hes been avoiding coming over but I think it is.

Remember the guy who lost my cell number and found me by calling company after company in the phone book looking for me? Well he called me on my cell last night asking me how I've been. He also asked if we could get together. I wasn't sure and didn't feel it at the moment so I told him that I wasn't able to but told him to keep in touch for sure.

322 - soup and snow

2008-01-25T15:14:00.000-05:00

I haven't seen D as much as I would have liked since his return, we've both been busy. Ive seen him once and that was yesterday and it went well. I'm nervous about seeing him again though.

I either want to blow his mind, just take control and have my way with him. Or I want it slow and sweet and still blow his mind of course. Its me not him. I feel shy like meeting someone new. That kind of shyness. I guess its just uncertainty. But I think that this time its normal as we had a serious conversation.

Ive got a new matching pink lacy bra that I need some feedback on. Ill try it out with him next time...

J called me and I wasn't expecting his call. I almost didn't recognize his voice. We talked for a bit and he apologized for calling earlier than he said he was going to. He wanted to call to let me know he wouldn't be able to call when he said he would because of something important coming up at work. I liked that he did that and we'll see each other this Saturday. We still haven't decided where we would meet but that's OK.

A called me and we talked for a little bit. There's a lot of teasing that happens when were on the phone but how that translates when were together face to face isn't the same. I'm almost hesitant with him. Kind of unsure. I think that's because he is very vague with things and how he answers questions isn't really answering them but deflective almost. I can live with it but it makes things a little intriguing in a way that might not be favorable for him. We shall see.

I spoke to G2 and its been over a year since we last spoke. He has a new girlfriend which is nice. Hes kicked the ex out of his place. Who was a girl he was starting to see when I met him. Hes an interesting guy. Really smart. Works with radioactive beams for medical machines. Interesting. I think. Anyway. I think.. that working with all those radioactive beams might have you know altered him you know. And I don't think he is spider man. Hes a cutie.

I let The Big Dog off her leash last night. I rarely do that. We were in the middle of a field and the show was high enough to get in my boots. (My dog walking boots) I let her off leash and she had a blast running at top speed. It was a lot of fun. We chased each other and against the moonlit snow I thought she was beautiful. The Big Dog in her black shiny coat running with the wind in her face. There was no mistaking where she was. Even when she was crouching down I could tell where she was hiding from me.

I felt happy letting her run in the snow. She looked happy and we played tug of war with her leash. She would have stayed out there for hours more if she had her way. I took her in after an hour or so.

It doesn't take much to make me happy.

321 - not quite the end

2008-01-24T14:57:00.000-05:00

Earlier today, I gave in my two weeks. My last day here T J1 is Feb 7th.
I was a bit nervous but once I started I felt better and better.
Honesty is the best policy.
Never burn bridges, you'll never know when you'll need them in the future.
I was told that I will be welcomed back if I decide that the new job isn't for me.
I feel a little less weighed down having given J1 notice.
I have one whole week before training where I wont be at J1
If I work it out right. I might go on a trip.
The trip to Florida w M3 might be postponed... indefinitely.
Taking a week off with nothing planned (for the moment) scares me
I might enjoy it too much and decide I never want to work.
Ill start looking for ways to maintain my lifestyle without actually working :)
Any ideas?
I know that wont ever happen but its easy to get lazy about these things.
I don't like being lazy for long periods of time.
D and I got together at my place this afternoon.
We celebrated.
It was long overdue and yes it was a lot of fun.

I'm tired and feel like taking a nap now.
I'm going out tonight with my brother, sister and her boyfriend.
I'm breaking the news about the new job.
More celebrations.

My next two weeks will be full of celebratory lunches and drinks.
Drinks after work and at the end most probably cake and a card from my coworkers.
I'm happy to be making this change.
I'm going to miss the people the most.
Now I feel like crying.

This chapter is almost over.

320 - honest

2008-01-23T12:12:00.000-05:00

I'm really nervous about the new job. Its something I don't know and its something that is new to me. I'm scared that Ill fail. That I wouldn't have made enough preparations if maybe I might not succeed with the program.

The future in the new job would bump me up to a new level a, different plane. Of someplace that Ive never been and wasn't quite sure that I would achieve. Monetarily and I guess if I'm being honest there's a security there that Ive never had with any company.

Which is why I'm nervous.

The other hand of complacency is telling me that I'm scared of leaving what I do have. I don't ask for a lot and I am OK with how my life is. There's always room for improvements. You can only stay so long in one place before moving on.

Like anything in life. Sometimes its time to move on.

Its scary. Yes. Its unknown. Yes.

Will I do it. Yes. In the name of life and living it, I will.

The above made me think of some of the things that I don't shy away from. Meeting someone new for coffee, dressing up provocatively for dinner. Attending parties where I don't know anyone and have to make great first impressions over and over and over. With every new person that greets me, that I come across, that strikes up a conversation. I'm always there making sure first impressions of myself go well.

I get a little bit nervous at the beginning but I do relax after the world continues to turn and I'm no longer waiting for it as I'm already there. In the middle of it. Living it. Instead of worrying about what it will be like.

Even if its something that unknown to me. Once I'm in it. I'm in it. Once I'm in the situation there's no going back, I just have to work through it and hope for the best.

:)