283 - confused

This thing with D has me confused sometimes but other times things are pretty clear. I clearly don't know what to expect which is good for me. If I knew what to expect and somehow it didn't happen as it should then that just leads to disappointments. Not that doing it my way wont lead to that. This way I can chalk it up to knowing its a possibility but wont have what comes with expectations. The planning, the writing what happens in that story.


I don't know what to expect which brings forth these questions and confusions. Its not all bad. It just is. Do I like him? Yes. Do I want more? Yes... but that's a loaded question that brings forth more than I might be able to chew. So this, what I have with him is good. Great even, for now.


Have I invested more of myself, my emotions into it. I think so. Is that a bad thing? Not at all. Its how its been for most of my previous relationships. Me putting more into it than my partner has. Its just how I am. I put in a lot because.. I just do. If I don't and I just hold it all for that one special person that comes then what? What happens if they don't ever come. Ill have saved it all for what? Nothing. All the potential of what I could have shared hasn't.


That's regret. So I do what I do so I don't ever regret the things I have done in my life. Who I have been with and whats happened with that person. Sure Ive been in a crappy relationship. Even though it was one of those relationships that wasn't he greatest or healthiest at some points. I learned a lot about myself and other people. Would I trade that for something else. Probably not. I wouldn't know if I would have learned those lessons at all if it weren't for me being in that situation.


This thing with D. Ive learned a lot already. Am I ready to just let it go because its not clear? I don't think so. Call me stubborn but its going well so far. Maybe not so well that there are wedding bells. But I don't even know if I want that. I'm not even sure what I want. So I thought it fair that until I do I continue to ride the wave that is now and just let things happen as they happen.


I guess I am more feminine that I thought as I think like one and question and feel. Its normal. Its not hurting me. How is it not hurting me you ask? Well. I haven't professed my life to this one man. I'm still seeing other people. The door has not closed on other men in my life. I'm still dating and I seem to be emotionally tied to D. But that doesn't mean that the rest of The Soup will go to waste.


Its really something that I want but its something that I'm scared of having. Its one of those things that I am running to and at the same time running from. I'm not sure if it will turn into anything. I can always hope for it and at the same time I know enough that it might not be.


So I just enjoy the time I do have as you never know what you have until its gone. Someday maybe it will fizzle out on its own, I don't think its something that Ill do on my own. Break things off.


It might not be healthy it might not be right forever. But for now. It is.


I have no right/claim on D so for me to be jealous is normal but I know it wont affect how things are. Its just the way it is. I could be blowing it all out of proportion as well. The whole seeing someone else in a different country. I wont fault him for that. I want to go to Mexico with F in November. See B in Vegas and so on ans so forth.


I guess its a case of I want to be the only woman in his life with me still being able to see whomever I want. Yes wanting the cake and eating it too.


Ill call it what is it. Something convenient that I hope turns into something. I can always hope. I cant always expect. Again this is all thoughts from a single girl. All these thoughts and all the things Ive shared are all one sided. I have no idea whats happening on his end and what hes thinking and I'm not sure if I want to know sometimes. C'est la vie! Sometimes ignorance really is bliss. Ahem!


Tangent. I get a voicemail from M a friend from Chicago. He's calling to say hi and that its been too long and then proceeds to leave me a very personal and private message of him pleasuring himself. Highly amusing. I'm sure some of you wont think that. But I was amused.


Also on the N front, hes back in Toronto now and when he returns to Ottawa we'll plan something out. Too soon to tell where this goes. Hes mentally challenging which intrigues me.


G from Brazil is planning to come back to Canada and making his rounds of visiting with his friends. Hes mentioned taking me away for a weekend sometime, you know for old times sake. Hes doing well in Brazil, working on his tan and being an excellent host.


I got an email from F to which Ive replied and have yet to hear from him. In time it will happen. I'm not in a rush. I hope hes doing well


S continues to send me emails and I'm thinking the expiry date has long come and gone. Might be time to put S in the woodchipper.


Interestingly someone that used to live in my building who I used to share elevator space with in the early mornings, who has since moved has become my tire provider. Im that much closer to being prepared for driving in the winter and snow.