quickpost

No time to share whats been happening lately but Ive been keeping track of it all. Just not online. More like in my diary. Is that something new about me that you might not have known?

All on paper so far just because I can carry it around with me. the scary part? Sometimes I leave it here and there and I tend to freak out because Im not sure whose hands it will get into Just like those little USB thingies with personal info and private thoughts and so on.

Its a little nervewracking to not know where Ive left certain private items but I find them eventually. But its too private sometimes to leave around so I must remind myself to be more careful.

Hope things are going well and Ill try to pop in here and share whats been going on.

Early Happy Canada Day!

383- feminine wiles

Ive been accused of using the powers of feminine wiles to further my… home improvements, among other things.

This comment comes from SE who I believe doesn't hold my self to any sort of esteem. This hasn’t been the first in this line of thinking.

Which makes me feel a little odd. One it makes me think that I might actually be taking advantage of men? Two, that I might be one of those pretty girls who gets what she asks for by fluttering my eyelashes? Three, that SE has a really low opinion of me and that deserves some deductions in points for SE.

It bothers me that someone thinks I am taking advantage of other people whether it be male or female. To me I would be the last person to take advantage of someone. Then again… isn’t that something anyone would say about themselves?

Is that me just making excuses and generalizing? Making things normal when they arent?

The interlock stones have been put down in my back yard and it all looks super duper fantabulous. I didn’t hire a crew to install it. I had a friend help me with ideas and the how to, as well as the elbow grease.

I didn’t want to miss the experience of working on a project from the first shovel of dirt to the laying of the stones.

So it took 8 days to turn my back yard into a page out of a magazine, it would have been done in 4-5 if the weather had co-operated but some needed rain came down.

I am very happy with how it all turned out and once Ive finished with making it just right I might take pictures and post them to show off .

There are still a few things to add to the backyard but it will all come together in time. The seeds I planted are starting to grow and its going to look really good. I cant wait. Heres to a sunny summer so we cal all enjoy.

382 - waxing soup

So I have an issue with A, he wants something I dont. He wants to have a relationship with me but Im not so keen on that.

If I were to have a relationship with someone Id have to be able to talk to them often, see them often and go out at different times during the day if possible. Not all on the same day but you know what I mean. If its planned and all that and it works out.

The thing is, with A, it very difficult to get a hold of him when I do return his calls. Its even worse when we try to see each other. Plans will change and then the plan is nixed. Dont ask me what he does because even he hasnt been that upfront with me. Which leads me to take what he says with a grain of salt.

When someone says they are going to do something, I have no reason to think they wont do it. But when they dont follow through and they prove consistent in not following through It puts me in a difficult position. it makes me think.

Think of telling him to be a man and man up. Do what you say youre going to do and make sure youre able to back it up. If not then you come out looking like a fool and then makes me feel like one for believing it.

With all the stories he tells its disappointing that he isnt able to come through when he says something. Ive been told Im too nice and I believe it with A because now Im in a spot where I want out and he wants me to say I miss him when he leaves. He asks me when I want him to come back when he goes away.

I heard from SL and hes asking to see how I am since its been a while since we last were together. I know he wants us to get together again but Im not so sure. With him it was a timing thing and I need the guy to be able to compromise as much as I am willing to (if it works for me)

I have to admit that my memory of him are a little fuzzy so it might clear it up to get together with him again but there isnt a pressing need so I can put that one on hold for now. There was this day at a hotel that I remember with him...

SQ is someone I havent mentioned before and I should give him a call and see where we can take things. Ive been a little on the cautious side because its a small world and I would hate for worlds to collide.

R has called and has been a sweetheart. I really should make time for him when he is in town next. I cant promise him anything and I say that to all of the people I meet and I also dont discount that something wont happen. its a play it by ear and see how things work out kind of deal.

SE is off my list as he is in line for a baby. Friends for sure but as for anything else.. its a no go. That doesnt mean he wont try, he is a healthy mle after all but I dont want to distract from the huge responsibility that will be coming his way in the next fesw months.

I cant help but feel a twinge of regret that I wont be able to find out where things could have gone with SE. Hes pretty :) Im not too worried though there was enough there to know that it might not have worked out. So I can put him in my spank bank :)

D and I are still doing our thing and well. Its OK. I havent had a moment where Ive gone all girly on him and asked why? in a why cant we be together kind of way. Instead I just enjoy what it is we do. Not to say that it wont happen again but for now things are going smoothly.

381 - the woman comes out

Ive been a victim of my own making. There I am a single woman who enjoys life, is friendly and if I say so myself... quite a catch. I wont go into detail in this post about why I think I'm a catch but I might at another time. When I'm feeling no fear or modesty.

So there I was all decked out to the nines and I have my butterfly wings all a flutter making everyone else's stomach flutter. My partner for the evening is pleasant and has piqued my interest and has managed to have me keep him in my periphery vision.

I'm curious about him and want to see him in action so to speak. See how he moves, how he interacts with people that I know and people that I don't know for that matter. He looks good all dressed up and I think we make a great looking couple fr the evening.

That thought is followed by wondering how we would look like without the clothes and wearing each other instead. I excuse myself from the current conversation and move along to be in his view.

He sees me and makes his own excuses and walks over to me. We make our way around together and after dinner and drinks we make our way home....

The next day I drive myself crazy wondering why he didn't say anything about how I looked that night. I looked fabulous. Other people mentioned that I looked fantastic, looked healthy and all that great stuff that's always nice to hear. I just wonder why he didn't say anything.

Welcome to the mind of a woman. Well my mind anyway, I'm not so sure if all other women think the same way. I know for a fact that on certain topics I'm a little off. Or vice versa :)

So I wonder and wonder and start to question peoples taste then worse than that I start to question my own taste. So then I get a little cranky and I'm not so open to his advances and I mention how I felt about what happened or what didn't happen on his part.

His way of apologizing was to mention that I looked particularly ravishing in what I was currently wearing and that made me if possible a little more upset about the whole situation because I myself didn't find myself looking particularly ravishing in what he thought was.

I knew he was trying to make up for something he didn't think was important to I couldn't really get mad at him for something he didn't find a big deal so I just said he had bad timing and thanked him.

I few days later I was thinking about what happened and how I let myself go a little nutty over what had happened. I might have talked about everyone needing attention at some point in this blog and its true we all need attention and we all need to be acknowledged and we also need someone to validate us.

Sad as it is sometimes we look for validation. Sometimes its for a good reason other times not so good. I was looking for someone to tell me I was pretty and I looked good.

I should also share that at the time I was having moments of uncertainty with how I looked. So it just played into the whole thing and didn't help the fact that I was unsure of myself. So Ive reminded myself that though I might not be a supermodel gracing magazines, I manage to turns heads wherever I go. That has to count for something right? It does to me.

I forget that sometimes and my actions remind me that I am pretty. I am OK. Nothing more nothing less. I am me and I am happy with me. Even with wanting to lose a few pounds I am happy where I am and its never a bad thing to want to improve oneself. But as long as I'm happy now I know that other peoples comments are just that.

So lesson learned. I have moments where I am weak and find myself needing to hear compliments when I cant seem to hear my own.

380 -Anticipation

The lotions I smooth over my body, the powders I brush over my collarbone and flick over my nipples, the gloss over my lips. Letting my imagination run wild with how things might happen, different scenarios. Wondering if my outfit will entice, arouse and stimulate.

I slip on the smallest black gstring and do a full turn in front of the mirror. I take in the small dip in my lower back, see the two dimples, the curve of my ass and I'm satisfied with how it wraps around me and disappears in between.

A glass of wine, a taste of strawberry. Teasing myself for whats to come.

I slip my arms through the straps, my breasts cupped snugly, pushed up and together, I fasten it behind me and watch the sway of material move back and forth against me.

The sight in the mirror turns me on. I feel a gush of heat through me. I can see through the material, there is space in between what is hanging. Like tassels but longer. From beneath my breasts to the tops of my thighs, like a curtain that doesn't hide anything.

I turn around again and look over my shoulder and see my back is equally arousing to me as the front. A two inch gap with no material shows my spine all the way down to the dip where my gstring disappears.

I smile, I cant wait to see his reaction.

Disappointment

My phone rings. I see who it is and answer in a voice close to breathless. ‘I'm ready’ A small chuckle is heard and a question is asked. ‘For..?’ A hesitation in my answer ‘For.. you..?’

My arousal drops, my shoulders sag and there are no words except ‘OK’ as I hear the story. I think ‘all for nothing’

Frustrated with myself for putting so much into it. For looking forward to something. For letting myself imagine that it would work out. I look down at myself after I say ‘see you later’ in a defeated voice and I am no longer aroused. Instead I'm sad.

So I sit here in nothing my the gstring. Skin so soft and smooth and think. It wont be the same when I do it all over again for the next time. Ill always have this in the back of my mind. That it didn't work out.

Maybe it will though. Maybe it will next time and that’s what makes me continue to use the lotions, lip gloss and powders...

The anticipation begins...

379 - guess who?!

My purse was stolen with everything in it. Cash, gift cards, Identification, o\car insurance and ownership and so on. My lief has been topsy turvy for the last month because of all thats happening. Police reports have been made and my faith in humanity dipped to a new low for me. Im taking it personally and im being told not to take it personally. It could have happened to anyone yet it happened to me. I am taking it personally.

Part of me is being selfish but I know it happens to others all the time as well. Not just me. But for now... Its about me.

My life, my happenings. Its about me.

Srping is in the air, men are getting aroused as am I. Ive been doing well in the restraint department though I cant imagine The Soup is happy to hear that. A, D, S, BS, G, M, T, S, are all doing well. More stories about them later on.

Property taxes are coming due. Im still new to the whole home ownership thing but its starting to look like a money pit. In a good way I guess. Though right now the second bathroom Ill be installing says money pit. For now. I know in the end it will be worth it. No more running up the three flighs of stairs to the bathroom. Soon it will be just down one flight. That wont be done for a couple of months so Ill still be rushing up the stairs.

My bank accounts and Visas were safe as I cancelled all of them as soon as possible. My balance is currently at 1000 on my Visa and thats not normal for me as I usually like to not have a balance at all.

Im taking a day off tomorrow. D and I are taking it off and going to the Nordik Spa for the day. I cant wait. Ill be sporting a white string bikini in case anyone was wondering. I tried to find a picture of a white bikini but thought better to leave you to your imagination.

I bought a beige canopy for my backyard and we set that up yesterday. Ill be looking for patio furniture next. Weve put down topsoil, fertilizer and grass seed down so the front and back yard will be ready for hosting BBQs.

I am off of work from May3rd - May 9th. I have yet to decide where I will be going. Depending on how Im doing financially I have a couple of options. California, Cuba or Australia. The land down under has a story to it and will come at another time.

xox

My Inbox

I’m energetic, intelligent, fun-loving and know how to treat a lady in and out of the bedroom. I want to find love first and foremost. Since there is suppose to be in excess of 15 million subscribers to the system, I will conclude there are about 7 or 8 million females, which is pretty good odds someone compatible with me is here. I think from what I have observed, the majority of ladies here, if not all, are uninhibited when it comes to sex. Since I am looking for a very special lady who would be intelligent, energetic, fun-loving, etc. and with a very high sex drive like myself, I have concluded more than one potential lover is here somewhere within the system. It is rather exciting you know because the majority of women are beautiful like yourself with a high sex drive. Bear in mind that I am searching for love first and foremost. And as Forrest Gump once said: "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get". I think that's what makes it all the more interesting because I think I'm in for some big surprises here.

I don't really know yet, dear, how you will feel about me as a potential prospect. But on the outside chance that you are well-disposed to taking a "leap of faith", I decided to email you because you caught my eye. The reason it did is because you impressed me as being a refined, intelligent and gorgeous young lady who potentially could hit it off with me. And as the saying goes: "You can't blame a guy for trying".

I'm a firm believer in "lady's choice" and so I will take a risk here that you may like what you see. I am single, never been married (it's a long story which I would be happy to divulge if you wouldn't mind hearing it), with no children.

If you have read this far you really are very sweet, another characteristic about a lady which I have a strong affinity towards. My hope dear is that you would respond and let me know just how you feel. I promise to honour and respect your decision.

Best wishes,
PL

ps. I couldn't resist the opportunity to get imaginative and creative out here in cyberspace as it pertains to my fantasy about what could happen if we met; in particular, what I would like to fantasize might happen if I could spend time alone with you. I certainly would love to build the anticipation to a mind-blowing crescendo by starting the day off slowly with a continental breakfast and building the heat as the day goes on. The breakfast is especially fulfilling cause we take the time to communicate... getting to know our life stories and sharing our intimate desires so freely.

Now that the ice is broken and we are definitely warming to one another, we take a trip to the shopping district and I lavish you with expensive gifts. We bring your gifts back to your place and quickly head on out for a boat cruise around the bay and savour the moment of being in each other's presence. We are beginning to like each other and the affinity is growing stronger.

The evening is spent at a show or live theatre followed by a romantic dinner. I see you back to your place, we embrace and kiss passionately; we can barely contain ourselves. You offer me a nite-cap and I am very shy and frightened cause I am still a virgin and afraid... I want so much to satisfy you... to let you know your pleasure and satisfaction comes first. You reassure me in a sweet and loving way that you will show me the way to heaven cause you've been there before and know the way back.

You put on some soft and seductive music and commence a slow deliberate, mind-blowing striptease for me. We engage in a long drawn out foreplay that heightens the anticipation and leads to feelings of sheer pleasure and ecstasy. We play with our exotic sex toys, aphrodisiacs, and enact the beautiful ritual of the Kama Sutra, taking our experience to places where no man or woman has gone before. We explore each other's bodies, inside and out, and nourish our senses all night long, becoming one, intertwined so perfectly... so inseparably!

Each time I visit you, we could enact a different role such as: I meet you at a strip bar We talk... we have drinks and we come home to your place and make love till we plop.

Since I would be sensitive to your needs first, dear, lady's choice would rule. I would be so sensitive to your needs and lavish you and treat you as a prince does his princess!

Be Happy, Healthy and Prosperous. May all your fondest hopes, dreams, desires and fantasies come true.

378 - What is it about a man

What is it about a man?

What is it about a man that I look at? What makes me decide that I want him? and what is it that I want him for if he doesn't make the grade? How bad is that? That if he doesn't make the cut... I wonder how I can somehow fit him into my life.

This post might be enlightening. For you? A little degrading for me. But honest.

When I meet a man. I always look forward to the best possibility. Who knows what that possibility could be. Just the best. Who doesn't want the best?

At first glance. At first meeting. Its an interview of sorts. Its true within a few minutes I can have a general sense of where it might go. If it will go anywhere or not. Ill find out if I am attracted to them physically. Though sometimes its difficult to tell because of all the clothes he has on.

Don't you ever wonder what the other person looks like naked before you get to that point? Just so you know if there is anything that might be a turn off or off putting or a deal breaker? I mean sometimes I want to see what Ill be getting before I get there to make sure that Its actually something I want to ... do.

So in my head I wonder what they look like naked. I also want to know all their bad habits. Their pet peeves and what ticks them off. Their deal breakers, annoying habits and anything that people might not like about them. Because I just want to know and get that out of the way.

As far as the good things about them, the funny quirks, the endearing habitual movements I can wait on because that's what I want to get to know in time. Like little surprises. The rest I want to know up front and at the beginning of a courtship if I can call it that so I know if there is something that I really wouldn't be able to handle then it can be dealt with without any awkward moments of thinking you've lead someone on, that you've become something special to them and so on.

Also at the beginning of a courtship as Ill call it from now on even though it sounds more romantic than I'm making it out to be. I also want to find out what it is they really are looking for. What kind of woman they are looking for because I want to know if what they are looking for is... well. Me.

If I can decide that they are looking for someone or something that I cannot provide or offer then there is no point in continuing this... courtship. So better luck next time and hope you find what you're looking for.

Why do I want that? Well because I know me best and I know what I can offer and If I am a match to their description then we move along.

I'm not saying someone will one day describe me to the T but if its somewhere in the vicinity then why wouldn't I think it would be a good match and why not continue with this person because he seems to be looking for someone... something like ... me.

Now that I think about it. it feels a little like I'm cheating, stacking the odds? But don't most people do something of the like? Maybe not as out and open as I do it but don't most people do that? Some people do mass dating, serial dating to some but its all to get closer to finding that one person.

Maybe I'm just in a loopy mood tonight. Introspective is the word I'm looking for.

Take SE. Pretty boy. Can make me think naughty thoughts and all hes wearing is a pair of rip away pants and white shirt. The thing is... once hes naked... it doesn't illicit the same naughty thoughts as when hes fully clothed. Strange? I am.

D? Can fill out a pair of jeans and long sleeve vneck and have me wanting to touch him even if its me squeezing his arm for a moment. Naughty thoughts well at warp speed. Then naked it takes it to a whole new level and I wonder how I can have my mouth in more the one place on his body at the same time.

With A who I have yet to take to second base I don't know if I could handle it going that far. Not for me but because for him it would take this to a whole new world of courtship. Did I mention that A has offered to ' take care of me'? I hope you are no longer wondering why I haven't let it go further.

SJ is new and is a little amorous because of his ummm preference for women with ample... assets. Not that I think mine are anything to talk about in the locker room but he seems very interested in getting together due to the many different things he would be able to... do.

C has made a return. I have yet to decide what Id like to do with him but I know for certain that it wont be how it was when we were together briefly. Ive grown a little bit and know what I want more than I did before so I hope that hell be receptive of how Ive become a little.... less submissive.

SB came for a visit last week and it was nice. Hes got some ideas that I am not sure of as it will tip the balance of who is in control... and I'm a girl who likes the reins. Even when it looks like I don't its only because I let them think I don't have it

Spring is fast approaching and so The Soup seem to realize this and are aware that spring brings out a new season and.... wardrobe :) Not only those in The Soup are aware of this. So are those not included.

People will be feeling more... amorous and well... I hope to take advantage and be right in the thick of things.

377 - outfit

When I was younger. I brought an outfit to school to wear to catch a certain teachers attention. The outfit consisted of a white top that tied underneath my then much smaller but still evident breasts, a pair of very short short shorts. Something to show off a young woman's body.

I remember being nervous. I remember taking my clothes off only to wear a body baring outfit. I remember walking outside where I knew I would be seen by him. I walked towards him, then past him. I acted like that was how I dressed all the time. I was cool and confident.

I don't remember what he was thinking. I don't even remember what I was thinking. But he followed me. He talked to me for a while and I could see his eyes taking in my outfit. My stomach, my navel and my legs.

Even then I had my eye on older men.

376 - searching for porn

I got nosy and well a little curious on YouTube so I looked up porn. Yes my mind went there just to see what was out there. I have nothing else to say on that matter.

I'm still not sure how to just put up the video here in the post so it doesn't go open a new window to see the link. That's something Ill have to figure out sometime. So for now Ill just keep doing what I know how to do.

So this is what I found and what I want to share with you all because I thought it was well done. Do I agree with it all? Yes and no. I'm sure you will share your opinion after you see it :)

So, yes I do enjoy watching porn. It all depends on my mood which will dictate what kind to watch. I never knew there were so many different categories but I have to say that I'm sure that whatever people are into. Theres a website that caters to them.

I usually go to two or three different sites and that usually does it for me. Sometimes I get curious and click on a link here and there but I never stay and nothing new ever catches my eye. So the ones I do go to have enough variety that pleases me.

375 - The loophole

The loophole is for X amount of dollars you can bring the lady of your choice into the place where youre staying. The catch is they cannot enter your room.

The loophole is for double the amount of X in dollars you can bring the lady of your choice into the place where youre staying for 3 hours. They can eat, drink and partake in any activities held. The catch is they cannot enter your room.

The loophole is for triple the amount of X in dollars you can bring the lady of your choice into the place where you are staying for 24 hours. They can eat, drink and partake in any activities held. They can have their own room. The catch is they cannot enter your room.

21 year old bombshell + seven condoms = Killing Darling Softly.

Theres a part of me that feels empty inside. Lost, confused and scared of what happened. How its going to affect me and what Im going to lose. Lose in myself. I knew it was a possibility I prepared myself for it. But nothing quite prepares you for the sting. Nothing quite tells you youre still alive than the pain you feel.

Ive closed it off and Ive chosen for now to ignore it. To not deal with it. I will have to sometime and Im not sure what will happen when I do. If Ill still be me or if Ill become a shell of what I once was.

I dont know how to react and I just dont know how to react. Empty, cold and alone. Thats me for now.

Maybe Ill look for someone to fill that emptiness... something to remind me im alive.

374 - reminders

I forgot to share this one. A week or so ago someone told me to go to the store and buy salt. I thought...road salt? But no it was table salt. If it was bought on that day then the myth was that whoever bought that salt would have money all year? or was it every day of the year? Some money? a lot of money? I'm not sure but money is money.

It didn't mean they would be a millionaire but it meant that even if it was 5 dollars in your pocket that day it would still be you having money.

I'm not usually a superstitious person but I was hopeful. Like I am with lottery tickets and finding the one. You never know but it doesn't hurt to put it out there and try because you never know what might happen.

I did it. I bought some table salt. Not only because of that phone call but because I was running out of what I had at home. If theres any indication that the running out of salt parallels the running out of money.

Its a good thing someone was there to remind me to look in the pantry.

This reminds me of a necklace that dips low in between my cleavage. Or a particular scent I wear when I want to illicit a certain reaction. You never know if its going to work, but if it does it makes you feel better and gives you that added confidence.

Use what you have and run with it :)

373 - be prepared

I thought this was cute. check it out. Protection is important.

Ive used various brands and Ive yet to use this one. Maybe the next purchase will be something new.

help

Im in the mood. Like really really really in the mood.

Ds no help. Neither are any of The Soup at this point.

Im in trouble. Im online and looking...

372 - comparing vaginas

** Please note... there are no pictures of vaginas in this post :)


SE is a big vagina. The slightest tremor and he goes and shows off how big a vagina he is. There that was me being mean. But I laughed. Does that count as being mean if it makes me laugh? Probably.

He doesn't want to deal with me because I confuse him at the best of times. He has other things to worry about and cant deal with 'us'. Maybe in the future we'll see how things go.

I'm taking that as a thank you but no thank you... for the moment. It might not but my first reaction is to be angry and let down.

My reaction confuses me which I'm OK with because what is my life without a lot of confusion?? So that's whats going on there but on the other hand this works fine for me because I really cant be with someone who has a bigger vag than I do :)

Ill be eating those words later on if something should happen with SE. We shall see.

I spoke to a friend of mine this past weekend and he helped me calm down. I had a bit of a sad weekend where I had to deal with the issues that are all happening at the same time and I needed someone to distract me and it helped. Thank you G.

I'm getting into old habits that might be construed as self destructive. Depends on how you look at it of course. Its all about perspective.

There is crisis in my sisters love life as shes patterning herself after me.. a lesser version which is good because I'm a bit much to take sometimes. More watered down version of me might sound better? No? Didn't think so.

So Ive had a few more years and a more men than shes had to deal with and I trying to coach her through some things but there are just some things that needs to be learnt by herself. The art of finessing is something that she'll have to figure out on her own. Ive given her guidelines but told her shed have to work the details to match herself.

She gets frustrated with it and situations she finds herself in but the best thing Ive told her is that shes not the first nor will be the last one to go through it. I tell her to rest easy with the knowledge that there are ways to come out on top even if the situation leaves you in pieces.

Time. Sometimes she rushes and I tell her not to. To enjoy it all the small moments that seem meaningless. Why rush? If in the end you know there will be an end. Why not enjoy the small things and appreciate them more.

The answer to that is. Because it hurts. To have put meaning into something small makes it hurt more in the end. But to me, the more it hurt... the more it meant something. I want everything to mean something, my life, what I do, what I say and so on. I must be a glutton for hurt and pain then. We all pay a price. Mine just happens to be this.

How twisted is that? When my thoughts run that way my outlook is completely different from most of the population and makes me feel like an outsider when it comes to friendships, relationships and acquaintances.

Such is the price of being unique. The fun part is slipping into friendships, relationships and having acquaintances without them having a clue at how deep the twist goes :)


Ohhhh and what do you think of the boots?

My Inbox

I havent opened my inbox for a while and this is the first on the list of many that Ive gotten. Interesting as always and very imaginative. You like? or...?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

As you mentioned you are an avid reader, I thought I'd share this little bit I wrote for your reading pleasure. I sure hope you enjoy...

Let me know if that sparks creative ideas..

P

"I'm lying there on your bed, just wearing a pair of jeans, looking at you. A feeling of shyness seems to take over you. You still can't believe you accepted to strip for me. Being there, alone, to be look at while you sensually take you're clothes off makes you nervous, self-conscious, yet it's exciting. You breasts now flow freely, the soft, chilly touch of air make your nipples perk out. It feels nice, even nicer as you see a big bump growing in my pants. The thought of that cock makes you feel warm.

You want to see it, to feel it, to lick it. To stroke every centimeter of it to prepare it for your own pleasure. The thought of being ravaged by a, no many men crosses you're mind. You see yourself in ecstasy as all sanctuaries of your body are being violated. ...Back to reality. You realize your eyes were close, you've gotten rid of that skirt, your hands now venturing between your legs as you dance. You're wearing those crotchless panties your husband offered you.

They make you feel, so naughty, slutty, you feel you could do anything with those on. You feel your self moist, hot and wet. You move toward, me. Undo my jeans that reveal that thick, stiff cock you desire so ardently. Like a lioness you prowl upon it. You start to lick it, suck on it. As you start, play with my balls, you feel my self having pleasure under the touch of your mouth.

The taste of my pleasure reaches your tongue. One of your hand vigorously stroke my cock as you suck it, the other, with just has much energy services you clit. It feels marvelous. You feel hot, you love to taste my seed, to give me pleasure solely with your mouth, you wish to have hot warm cum fill your mouth. To feel that explosion of my senses. Sweet cum you love to taste. Things won't happen as you planned them.

I that moment I reach you, grab your hips. Surprised, you land on top of me, positioned to be 69ed. You continue to lick my cock suck on my balls, knowing whats to cum. A big surge runs through you as my mouth touches your pussy. My tongue tickle your clit, licking your lips. Gently at first, but it gain in intensity. The feeling now keeps you from focusing on me. Blinded by your own fun. You now press your pussy against my face, rubbing you clit on my tongue spreading those sweet lips, exploring your depths. Then you swing over and land face down on the bed.

You feel me grabbing your hips, raising your our ass. My cock, presses against your pussy it feel big, but your so wet. In a single, strong, deep stroke, I fill you. The mix of pain from the sudden and brutal penetration and the relief to feel me scrambles your senses. Long, deep and powerful strokes makes you appreciate the full size of my cock.

It seem that every stroke reverberates throughout your entire body, as my hips hits your ass with a loud smacking noise. « Faster!» you beg for. Then it picks up. You can't do anything, you're immobile, subjected to a brutal fucking. Still you love it. The intensity, the power, make you feel vulnerable and safe. You feel your juices now flowing along your thighs. One of my hands gently strokes your butt hole, the intensity from the pounding in your pussy makes this feel strangely good. You feel your ass gaping, inviting myself . « You want to feel. Me in your ass? Then deserve it! ».

I lay on the bed, my stiff cock standing straight inviting you. You come over me and impale yourself on in with vigor. Grabbing my shoulder, you ride it like crazy. You feel your clit rubbing against me. It feels so good , you won't be able to hold it much longer. You slow down. Then I grab you ass firmly, raise it. You can't avoid cumming. I penetrate you with all my length, quickly, you lie on me, biting on my shoulder as you're being bounced up and down my cock. The intensity is too much....tremors take over you ....your legs shake, you moan loudly....You're flustered by heat and pleasure, your pussy gushes and you squeal from the pleasure. But oh no, we're not done.

Still impaled on me I bring you to the side of the bed, I hold you by your cheeks and I get up. Now you feel all your weight resting between your pussy and my dick. It feels so deep. So good. As you pass your arms around my shoulder and kiss me I move you up and down my cock.

The feeling is singular and soooo good. «Do you still want to feel a cock in your ass? » I asked. Barely moving you nod your head. Concentrated on that rod ravaging you inside. You then see your other lovers, who's been observing you all along, approach. Still standing, my hands spread your ass. You feel his cock press against your tight little ass. Your fluids, lubed it up already, it doesn't seem as tight as usual.

I release lightly my hold on you and your lover's cock slide into your tight little ass with ease. You're there, not touching the floor, impaled by two cocks. You feel them moving in you. It's so great. You're almost crying from the pleasure. Powerless, you keep getting pounded, you feel humiliated and excited. You tell us you want it harder.

We move toward the bed. I lay down. And we please and use you until you cant take it anymore. You feel so full, filled by cocks. Every time one of us touches you depths you vibrate with pleasure. You're like a rag doll, taking hits, liking it. A little whore pleasing two men . You can't feel you pleasure anymore, simply seeking ours. You feel our dicks engorged, swollen as they fill you with our sweet, sweet pleasure oozing down both your sanctuaries...sacred no more."

I hope you're smiling a bit by now...xoxo

371 - Sexapalooza 2009

I went this year again. I didnt it terribly fantastic. Just OK. Nothing stood out for me and maybe thats because Ive been there done that? or is it because the people that were there didnt make me want. Im going to slap myself for this but sex does sell. And Id buy something from someone attractive before I would someone I wasnt attracted to. Weird? Is that me?

Of course Id make sure it was a good deal. Being attractive should be something if I had a business I would look for in an employee. Now Im being bad here but when I think of someone wearing leather chaps. I imagine someone that I would be attracted to. Now everyone is attracted to someone different but I was disappointed that there were very very few people I was attracted to.

Why did I go this year? So I can fill my fantasy plate. Add more people to that lineup. Of people Ive seen, maybe talked to and maybe had the occasional bicep squeeze or hug. Add those moments to a fantasy while Im... well.... playing with myself.

So this years Sexapalooza was a flop. But Im sure many others disagree with me. Please dont hold my opinion against me. It is just after all an opinion. Take it or leave it.

Here is where you can see their website. TADA!! They havent really updated anything to make it eyecatching. Well maybe its not suppose to catch my eye but something lower on my body. But it didnt do that either. Oh well. Maybe another time.

So I people watched. So at night, in the morning or in the middle of the day Ive got enough characters to add to the fantasy in y mind.

370 - whats in my mind

I'm still in that place where its hard to walk around and feel normal. I wonder if people can tell theres something wrong with me. That in my mind I'm thinking of whether to go up to someone and ask them to follow me for a no strings attached sex. A stranger. Someone Ive never met and someone Ill hope to never see again after a much needed tryst.

Ive always thought about things like that but not with this intensity. This unidentifiable need to feel someone sliding in and out of me. To feel their hot breath against my neck. To make them kiss me deeply while my legs wrap around them pulling them in closer.

I wonder if its some fucked up way of me needing something that I'm not getting. Sex? Could be? Feeling? Might be. Love? What is that? Is it some way my way of being fulfilled in a way that I'm currently not and me finding it in the arms of someone that I don't have any serious, meaningful or strong relations with.

Or am I just living life and have my hormones fly off the handle because I'm at a certain point in my life where my body needs more sex? Where I should be settling down. Is that the place I am at? Is this all normal for women or men for that matter?

Or is this just the way that things go because its a numbers game and eventually Ill find someone that sticks. Someone that doesn't mind my idiosyncrasies my twisted neurosis. My ever changing double standards. Maybe they mind all the above. Maybe they mind but can live with it because I accept them for theirs. Might even love them because they have their own quirks.

The fucked up thing is. I keep going back to D. He accepts all the quirks that I have. All the mind numbingly silly questions I have. From the things Ive done in the past to some of the things that I'm curious about in the future. He takes it all and doesn't make me feel like a freak.

I guess though... the difference is... He doesn't have to care. He just have to sift through it all and make nice because... he doesn't have to go home to me every night. Its just a part of his day and at night he goes home to his son.

SE? The fastest rising new boy that I have? He might do some damage and actually do something with me. I'm hoping. Ive already broken down and had sex with him. My fault... though I blame it on him too.. but I'm equally to blame. Strange. I didn't have the talk with him that I usually do with most guys I sleep with.

So that puts me in an awkward position. Where to go from here. Its even more awkward that we work together. I know Ive been a huge advocate about not dating anyone I work with. But ... and I'm justifying here or making excuses... call it what you want. But I'm not dating him... were just having sex.

I know he wants more. Hes looking for that someone. That special someone. I am too... in an I'm going to deny it kind of way because I like being single as much as the next married person does.

What do I make of SE? I'm not sure yet. Maybe I shouldn't put any eggs in his basket and let fate do its thing. Its already a bit odd because of other things but I wont rush anything and soon I'm sure he and I will have a talk about details.

A calls me numerous times daily. Sometimes to the point of irritation. Sometimes if I let it go to voicemail. Ill listen to it sometime late and hear his rendition of Mr Wonders 'I just called...' song. As a friend he loves me. As a woman he wants to sleep with me. I know this.

SB calls me on and off to try to have phone sex and Ive never found a way to get out of it politely. In the middle of it you cant just say 'oh I have someone on the other line Ill have to let you go.' or 'you know this isn't really doing anything for me at the moment' The only way Ive found to get out of phone sex is to not let it start at all. Which can be a little tricky but with enough practice and promise of making it up at a later time... (when its to my benefit) Its not so bad.

I'm contemplating adding to the The Soup but because its difficult to keep in touch sometimes it will be at a snails pace. However if there is an addition worthy to share. Ill definitely share.

369 - scared

I'm in place where Ive turned off my phone, Taken the battery out, removed the chip and placed them all on my bedside table separately.

I don't to get a phone call from A. To talk about whatever we talk about. I don't want to deal with him. I don't want to have to tell him that I'm not interested in him that way. That I'm not the one hes looking for and that I'm not in the same place he is as far as where this relationship is going and whether at some point it will lead to the bedroom.

I don't want to deal with that and I don't want to be the one to say it to him and hurt his feelings. Its just something I don't want to do. If I'm honest I don't want to do that now, or ever.

At the same time I took the phone apart so I don't succumb to the insane feeling of wanting to have sex. I want to have sex so badly it hurts. I cried. I want to call someone...maybe someone in particular. It was someone in particular at the beginning but in the end my mind didn't or wasn't able to distinguish between who what where or when. Just wanted someone. A warm body beside me. A hot body sliding over me inside me and spilling all over me.

I cried because theres something wrong with that. I hold back tears now not wanting them to fall because theres a part of me that's ashamed of this. Of what happened to me earlier to what I went through. Alone. Always alone.

Ive felt that before. Ive written a post on something similar. But not. This time it was different. It was just a pure selfish need to find release with whoever. Someone, anyone.

Whats wrong with me. Nothing tragic has happened in my life. There are a lot of things happening that I cannot control but a lot of it I realize that I have no control over it...

I cant even control myself sometimes. This need, this want. How do I trust myself when I meet someone that it isn't just for the satisfaction of this thing that eats at me if its not fulfilled. A close friend of mine told me once to go to a meeting for people who are addicted to it. I don't think so.

It doesn't happen all the time but its hard to go through. More intense than how I describe my addiction to D. My drug of choice in this respect is D. But hes not here and he wont always be. So i revert to what? What I used to do. Scroll through the list and make a call.

I realize I don't date well because I'm removed from it. I treat it like I do this thing that I have. Not quite a wham bam thank you man but my more finessed way. Its awkward as hell for me but I get through it and end up confused.

Ive dated yes but there has always been a distance. Whether its described as miles or something emotional. Its from me and truth... I'm scared of ever letting anyone that close to ever make me feel hurt because if from what I call relationships if what hurt I felt there is anything compared to really really giving myself over to that person. That would not only break me but might possibly kill me.

So I sit and cry for someone to make it all stop. For someone to make it right. For someone to make ME feel all right. That what I'm feeling isn't wrong. To let me know that I'm not crazy. That Ill get through this and I can control it.

.... That its going to be all right.

Theres a part of me that hates needing someone telling me it will be all right. Why cant I just tell myself and believe it.

368- Phobia

Sometimes you realize just how lonely and sad you are when you look around and theres no one there. You'll never admit it to anyone that you are but you cant lie to yourself about that... not all the time anyway. No, you cant lie about that all the time to yourself.

You just know theres no one. Just you in this world. Where theres no one you can be sure that's even connected to you. Sometimes its that craving for a connection that makes it seem like I'm marooned on an island feeling how empty it is with just me on it.

Scary sometimes that you only have yourself to rely on. That you are the only one that's there and that no matter how hard you try... your imagination and what it makes of things are just. Images that are made up to make yourself feel better.

I want to make deep connections with people so anchor myself to them and them to me so that my life is in their hands and vice versa. Not just with one person but with many. Would that be fair? To have that kind of connection with more than one person? I'm not sure. But I want that.

Its a little odd not having it. Like theres a part of me that's just waiting for something to happen. On the edge of a knife. Waiting.

I think this is coming from the fact that I want to take care of someone the only way I know how. To serve. It makes me sound submissive and in ways I am and can be. On the other hand I'm dominant... in ways I am and can be. Maybe its that person or connection I'm looking for that allows me to be both or one or the other depending on the situation.

I always want people to be happy. The way I see it is.. if I meet someone that's.... ???!!!??? then why wouldn't I want to make that person happy. I change. Who doesn't though? Who doesn't change even a little bit for the other person. Its inevitable.

But in my mind I do it because I want that person happy. Theres no guarantee that person will return feelings, emotions or anything like that. It would be nice but there is no guarantee. Theres no way of knowing if that person will ever find someone else to love and care for other than you.

Theres a blind trust there that's needed. It terrifies me sometimes because I wouldn't know what to do if it happened to me. If I found someone that didn't .. want me.. anymore or didn't find me.. enough.

Knowing how I am when I get involved with someone I give myself wholly. I don't expect the other person to do it but I do want them to treat me ... gently. If that makes sense.

That's where my commitment phobia comes in. I don't know if I can quite call it a phobia but its something that I'm wary of.

Sometimes Im tough sometimes Im not. Im telling people what Im scared of and in some way its liberating. Just dont give the enemy the knowledge of that. They could really do some damage.