404 - Looking forward

I have a trip planned for this April, Ill be heading towards Southern California. Im excited. Its still a ways away but Im looking forward to getting away from the normal day to day things that I have to deal with here. Im not complaining about my life but its nice to get away for a little while. Even better to not have to deal with winter and everything that comes with it.

Ill be going for just under three weeks and thats not long enough to take in what Id like to take in, see who I need to see and do what I need to do.

The first half of my trip will be spent with family who are all flying in to spend time together. Its been  a little over two years since we were all together like this so that will be fun and awkward. But mostly fun with lots of catching up and laughter. So long as we keep the good times rolling then that will do nicely.

The second half sees the rest of the family flying back to their respective destinations while I remain to enjoy the homestead as I see fit. Which is where AS of LA comes in. Not to be confused with AS of Ottawa :)

I met AS of LA the last time I was in California. We hit it off from the start and he did all the right things that garnered him invites to spend more time with me until it was my time to go. It was such a natural ease of comfort for me to be with him that I jumped into 'crazy girl mode' which I warned him about and said not to pay it any mind as it just needed to get out of my system. I assured him that there would be no 'bad' crazy to deal with. Life is so full of drama that I try not to contribute to it. He laughed at me and said he appreciates the warning :)

The most important thing I told him to focus on while 'the girl' got her way for a time was that .... In that moment, that time and space we were together. It was perfect, exactly what I needed on so many levels. And he fit that bill at that time. After that, its all projection in my head and that would easily be fazed out with the distance between us.

We have kept in touch with each other to not cut ties but I fear it may be different when we reconnect as its been a while. Ive shared that with him but hes not worried about how things will be between us. Its nice to have someone counter my worries and toss them aside like they are nothing... specially when its nothing. When its a legitimate worry he does address them and we act accordingly.

It would have been nice to be able to see him since that last visit but life can be a huge deterrent. I wont share what he does for a living but he works in the entertainment industry and living in LA Im fascinated with what he does and who he gets to interact with. He says its not as glamorous as I think it is to me and its so different from anything Ive had to deal with that it is. I tell him that all the time and its the truth which I think makes him puff out his chest that much more. I think its attractive.

Will this be something serious? Its hard to tell. Long distance relationships dont have the best track record and well, there are other things to consider. So for now. Its nice that there will be someone to add to my little black book even if they are in Southern California.

In the meantime, locally I have AS of Ottawa that continues to demonstrate what keeps me wanting.

372 - comparing vaginas

** Please note... there are no pictures of vaginas in this post :)


SE is a big vagina. The slightest tremor and he goes and shows off how big a vagina he is. There that was me being mean. But I laughed. Does that count as being mean if it makes me laugh? Probably.

He doesn't want to deal with me because I confuse him at the best of times. He has other things to worry about and cant deal with 'us'. Maybe in the future we'll see how things go.

I'm taking that as a thank you but no thank you... for the moment. It might not but my first reaction is to be angry and let down.

My reaction confuses me which I'm OK with because what is my life without a lot of confusion?? So that's whats going on there but on the other hand this works fine for me because I really cant be with someone who has a bigger vag than I do :)

Ill be eating those words later on if something should happen with SE. We shall see.

I spoke to a friend of mine this past weekend and he helped me calm down. I had a bit of a sad weekend where I had to deal with the issues that are all happening at the same time and I needed someone to distract me and it helped. Thank you G.

I'm getting into old habits that might be construed as self destructive. Depends on how you look at it of course. Its all about perspective.

There is crisis in my sisters love life as shes patterning herself after me.. a lesser version which is good because I'm a bit much to take sometimes. More watered down version of me might sound better? No? Didn't think so.

So Ive had a few more years and a more men than shes had to deal with and I trying to coach her through some things but there are just some things that needs to be learnt by herself. The art of finessing is something that she'll have to figure out on her own. Ive given her guidelines but told her shed have to work the details to match herself.

She gets frustrated with it and situations she finds herself in but the best thing Ive told her is that shes not the first nor will be the last one to go through it. I tell her to rest easy with the knowledge that there are ways to come out on top even if the situation leaves you in pieces.

Time. Sometimes she rushes and I tell her not to. To enjoy it all the small moments that seem meaningless. Why rush? If in the end you know there will be an end. Why not enjoy the small things and appreciate them more.

The answer to that is. Because it hurts. To have put meaning into something small makes it hurt more in the end. But to me, the more it hurt... the more it meant something. I want everything to mean something, my life, what I do, what I say and so on. I must be a glutton for hurt and pain then. We all pay a price. Mine just happens to be this.

How twisted is that? When my thoughts run that way my outlook is completely different from most of the population and makes me feel like an outsider when it comes to friendships, relationships and acquaintances.

Such is the price of being unique. The fun part is slipping into friendships, relationships and having acquaintances without them having a clue at how deep the twist goes :)


Ohhhh and what do you think of the boots?

304 - my mistake

I was talking to my sister yesterday and I mentioned one of my ex's, MDR. He lives in San Jose. We were together for a little over 3 years. I haven't talked to him in longer than that. He said it just hurt too much to continue anything.

Heading back to California made me think of him and I had a thought to call him up. Then I thought OK call and say what exactly? After 'hello' of course.

I wouldn't be uncomfortable. I'm just thinking that he might find it strange and there's nothing worse than knowing I make someone else uncomfortable. The exception of course is when its the sexual kind of discomfort that is followed up by good sexual tension which leads to well. you get the idea.

At the moment I'm not planning on getting in touch with him as I don't even know if I have the number around. Much less remember it I know the area code is 408... and I'm not even 100% sure of that.

I guess I'm just curious about a lot of things.

So a little bit of a panic to be thrown into todays post. I called the passport office to inquire about the status of my application. It was supposed to be mailed out for delivery on Dec 11th. I am hopeful that I will get the passport prior to leaving as it is essential that I have it otherwise I wont be able to fly due to the new rules to fly into and through the US.

It has yet to be printed as far as D knows. This is what they told him about his passport. He went a week ahead of me which doesn't bode well for me. His is already 5 days late in being sent out and I hope... that's all I can do is hope.

I know its my own fault that this is happening. I really wasn't planning a trip at this time and it only came about after I sent my application in. I know that it might all work out and I will just be worried about nothing... though it could be something huge as I wont be able to

A- Enjoy the take off and landing
B- Fly with my sister
C- See my Dad
D- Get away from the cold winter
E- Meet new people.
F- Just get away from 'my so called life'
G- Have a possible make out session at my layover in Chicago. With J
I - Have my imagination run away with total strangers at the airport
J- Leave it all behind
K- See my Dad
L- Be a part of the scenic view at the nude beach
M- get my money back for the flight
O- Do any type of shopping

There are more things that I will miss but I didn't want to think of the rest as that would just be helping me down the rabbit hole.

I'm debating now whether to even pack. I eventually will... just in case. There's no point in beating myself up now if I don't know what will happen so Ill just prepare. Either way I will make a trip to the airport Either I'm flying out or Ill be driving my sister so she can fly out.

Expect the worse hope for the best?

Cross your fingers!

297 - typos

I had my sister book our flight to San Diego yesterday. I got the confirmation forwarded to me and I didn't notice until noon today. My itinerary had a bit of a typo. Instead of reading Darling it read Dalring.

Tickets are non refundable and names on tickets cannot be changed. Ooops. I called Hotwire and explained the situation and Justin helped me out and said that they don't usually refund tickets. In my case since it was less than 24 hours since I made the purchase he would refund Dalrings ticket and charge me the exact same fare for the exact same flight/connections and so on and so forth.

I'm glad I caught that mistake in time and not at the airport at the time of travel. My sister got an earful from me but we laughed about it in the end. Mistakes happen. I know I do it often when I type out my name. The fingers fly over the keyboard like they have minds of their own.

Not to worry, Ive fixed it thankfully and I even changed my travel insurance as well to make sure that it was linked to the right ticket. You never know what you might need when you travel specially when you're flying on Christmas day.

My dad is funny. He just moved to a new house in San Diego within the past few months and hes been living on his own and told us he was scrambling to get furniture. :) A bachelor in his 50's! I told him not to go crazy for us. We'll be happy to camp out on the beaches.

Were excited. The only thing I'm worried about... is not getting my passport in time for travel. EEK! I sent my application in Tues Nov 27th and they are to mail it out on Dec 11th by registered mail and I should be getting it on the 14th. However with delays because of the rush of mail/packages being sent for the Holidays. I'm scared that it will get lost and forgotten behind someones seat... and I wont be asked to put mine in the upright position.

So I'm very excited. A week of no snow. A week of sand, sea and sunshine. No work... which reminds me to make sure to mention to that I ll be needing time off at J1, J2 and J3.

So that's that. I'm going on vacation. My next one will be somewhere where its all inclusive and Ill be all seductive...

275 - Another Day :)

Today is my Birthday.

I'm now 28. :) lol I dont notice how I get older.
I don't look any different.
Feel pretty fantastic
I slept well last night.
Had a great dinner with a friend.

Got a call from one of the other girls at work in a different dept.
I went in. She wasn't feeling well.
I was in the mood to go out to celebrate my last day being 27.
Somehow it didn't happen.
I was hit hard by the sleepies.

D and I talked for a bit. Not as long or as much as we usually do.
I took a shower, said my prayers.. well started them and went to sleep mid prayer.
Oops.

I woke up bright and early.
Took The Big Dog for a walk/jog then a run.
I wonder if she knows what today is.
Silly thought.

Random thoughts in my head.
Write email to Dad letting him know that I love him.
thanking him for the things I grew up with,
letting him know that I didn't want for anything,
that I hope hes happy with me and how Ive lived my life so far.

Things have been planned for the day already.
I wonder if people would be upset if I just wanted to hang out at my place and relax.
I hope people at work don't make a big deal out of today.
I hate being put on the spot.
I would rather have someone play with a certain spot.

I think I should have called in sick.
Too late, people have seen me and that just wouldn't be good.

Things to do.

Pay cell phone bill.
Call bank and ask why they are holding my last deposit.
Pick up some veggies at the groceries.
Book appointment at the spa for some pampering.
Check in on Gramma
Check and reply to emails, text and phone messages
Ride the roller coaster that is my thoughts.

I want to meet D for sex this afternoon. I also want to meet him for lunch. I'm leaning towards lunch... although it would be a great thing to have both. Not only because Its my the big 2-8 but because its Tuesday. Tomorrow would be Wednesday and that's a great way to celebrate!

Ive gotten a call from A and he was all sweet about singing to me. Hes had to go to the Doctors a few times and I know there are things hes not telling me. Which is OK. I don't mind. I'm still a little concerned. Its not my place to pry so if he wants to share more then he will. Ill just be around if he needs me.

So heres to another year. Ive yet to come up with things I want to do while Im 28. There are still some that have yet to be crossed off the list from last year so Ill still work on those.

The journey continues and I hope that its always interesting and exciting.

Have a fantastic day!!

270 - as of late

Friday.

Date night.. technically not a date. I just call it a date. Not to his face but here :) In the privacy of my little corner of cyberspace. With you because I know you wont go running to anyone that I know.

Started of well. Looked extra fantastic. Ill leave it to your imagination as to what I was wearing underneath my clothes. Looked good, smelled great, felt superb.

Met with D and we ordered and talked and laughed and teased.

Then I see a number on my cell phone that I dont recognize. I pick up thinking should I? Soemthing tells me yes. I do. Its my Aunt. Shes called to tell me that the procedure my Gramma got done (hysterectomy) went well. Though during the procedure she had a heart attack and was rushed to the Heart Institure in Ottawa. I got the relevant information.

Eyes got teary when D asked me if I was ok. I told him what happened and he gave me a hug. I wont go into how much I needed one.

I left, got lost and eventually found myself calling my sister telling her what happened. I went to pick her up and we both went on a journey to find parking.

Shes ok. Looks good. They inserted a stunt/stint? which took care of the clots and the clogged area. D's Dad was at the Heart Institute when he had a heart attack and he was telling me it was the ebst place to be for that.


Left Gramma to sleep and drove everyone home. Walked The Big Dog and finally went to bed at 2am.

Saturday.


Slept in. Thankfully. Made breakfast. Looked at myself in the mirror while questioning my life due to recent events to someone elses life. It feels a bit surreal. Someone I know and am related to is in the hospital... again.


I dont do well with sickness and things like this. My Aunt was diagnosed with Cancer and I felt awkward about it. Nothing to do with them. Its me.


My thoughts are not right. My thoughts go to mind over matter. Or is that called avoidance, ignorance, escapism? Just convince your body its not riddled with cancer cells. Youll be fine. Tell your heart to clean itself out. Breathe in the good clean air, acclimatize yourself to allergens so you wont react. Is ignorance really bliss? Sometimes.

If anything ever happens to me that I cant control. What will I do then? I dont want to think about it.

D brought up having a will. How morbid. Though I should have one. I think Ill make it a group activity. Bring everyone together and give them packages so we can get it all done at the same time so we know that weve done it and nothing is left to ... after... should it...

Was on the phone on and off with D. He was at work and invited me to visit him as he was bored. I thought that was sweet. I didnt as I was heading to another visit and then off to my own work.

Was really tired after work. Drained. I havent felt that way in a long time. Body felt tight and it felt like I havent been horizontal in weeks. I decided to just lay down for a few minutes and my body sighed in relief when I did.

I took a nap and was up and ready to go meet with D. I know. we were going out again. More food and drink. Must do more situps. We bumped into one of his friends and I wasnt introduced. I didnt know how to react so I was just there. Wondering if I was going to be introduced. It was funny as as Im getting out of the car that night I was thinking of what would happen if we bumped into one of his friends and what would happen. Well now I know.

It bothered me for all of 5 minutes and then I didnt think about it again. Until now. But it doesnt bother me. Its just one of those things I can shake my head at.

Drinks were really good. Mango Cremesicle Martinis. At the price they were asking it was worth it. Though On occasion not always as that would put a dent in my savings

Sunday.

Stayed home, relaxed in the morning. Went with my sister to visit my Gramma. Left for an early dinner and then ended up late for work. Thats ok. I still got everything done and managed to leave early.

Talked to D throughout the night and fell asleep after my bath.

267 - iPod or not to iPod

My sister is thinking of getting an iPod. My brother has one, my aunt has one and now she out of many people that I know should have one. She goes through too many batteries with her MP3 player. To save the environment, she should get one. To save money, she should get one.


Shes still undecided on it and will wait which is fine. I think my brother and I will split the cost and get her one. The only thing is, when she gets hers. I will want one as well. I don't need one. Its one of those things that you feel you need to have but don't really need at all.

I don't need one. I don't think Ill get one. But I kind of do want one. Just like I kind of do want to get a facebook account. Like I kind of want to get a myspace account. There's a part of me that wants those things but the other part of me doesn't.


For various reasons of course some legitimate and others borderline strange. But they are my reasons. Maybe that will be another post.


So for now Ive asked my sister to be my DJ. Ive handed over my Mp3 player and asked her to fill it with music. It will be a surprise but I think.. I hope she knows what kind of music I like. Of course she does. I like the kind of music she listens to so I'm sure its going to be OK.

Shes had it for a few days now and I should get it tonight. Were getting together to do groceries together. We'll be able to re shelf items from each others carts that doesn't scream of health and wellness. That's what sisters do.

The new iPod Nano is out and its pretty cool. Id like a red one please. Then I looked at the other ones they have and the Classic iPod has 80 GB I don't know what that is/does but that's huge compared to the 4 or 8 GB in the new iPod nano. AND when you look at the price difference, its almost an easy jump to make. Darn my thought process and curses to my slow savings :)

It would be fun to have one of those sometime. It would also be fun to be able to use it and know what it all does. I'm not all that techy. I know enough to get around. If I don't know something I know where or who to go to to get the information.

I wonder what people put on the Ipods. Music, audio books, videos... but what kind other than the PG kind. I wonder if people put their porn on their iPods. You know a little stimulation while at work? or on the way home, while on the bus, in the library, during that conference call, that board meeting. I wonder... that's all.

So for those of you who do have one... what kind of videos do you have?

Letter from my dad

To my Son, my Darling and my Sunshine,

We have been in two different poles of the universe. North and South. While we plan to be together in some future dates. Soon I would think. I just wanted to reach out to you and say that I miss you and love you much.

We all have grown accustomed to the status quo. I am also at fault and I am the first one to admit it. I should have jumped to every opportunity that came in front of me. I would not want you to repeat the same mistakes I did during my younger years (???).

There is a big wide world of opportunity out there for everyone. We need to get out there and find out what belongs to us as dictated by our Maker, our Lord.

Just like the story of the frog that was born at the bottom of well. He lived there with his family and was quite content. He (the frog) thought, Life does not get any better than what he has now. One day he looked up, saw light on top of the well. He became curious and wondered what was up there. So one day he decided to climb up and find out for himself. Reached the top, peered over the edge. First he saw a pond. Thousand times bigger than the well. Hopped further away and discovered a huge lake. Hopped some more miles away and reached the ocean. Now he realized how limited his thinking had been.

Many times were like him (the frog). Enclosed in our own well. A comfortable environment. All we have ever known, a certain level of living, a certain way of thinking. We settle for too little. What we all need to do is venture a bit further were we have never gone before. Dare to to dream bigger. Look out over the edge like the frog.

Our Maker has Big OCEANS. He wants us to enjoy life. But we all need to do our part, that is get outside our own little box or out of our small well. Let us not allow complacency keep us in mediocrity. We feel comfortable where we are and we use that as an excuse. I believe our Maker wants all of us to go further, be successful. Break out and get out of the mold. Focus and commit to our own to change for the better.

I know and I feel that our Maker had more in store for each of you and me. Let us keep up the faith in Him and trust Him all the time. Go out there and be blessed.

Today, don't just settle for what you have. Begin looking beyond where you are to where you want to be.

I love you all so much and I miss you all ! Stay healthy, Keep Safe always.

Say your prayers and give thanks to our maker each day. No matter how many times in a day - say thank you Lord for the favor.

Papa

252 - cat-like

I went out with my sister and her S.O yesterday. We did groceries together and then went out to eat at Outback Steakhouse which were not planning on going to any time soon or ever again for that matter. The food was OK. What were not going back for is the service. Really bad experience, the waitress took forever to come around and take our order, fill our drinks and just had a bad attitude overall.

I know good service because I provide it when I work and the end of someones time with me I know they are happy. We laugh, we joke, we flirt. I cant control the product that's in question but I can control me.

I felt like asking her how she does on tips. Probably ok but Id like to tell her shed make more if she changed her attitude. So no more Outback Steakhouse for the three of us. Go figure we try something new and end up not enjoying the experience. But we enjoyed our own company which was fabulous.

I got home and walked The Big Dog, took a shower, prepared lunch and snacks for the next day and took out the garbage. I was tired but kind of restless so I was just putting things away and getting things done sooner than later.

As soon as my head hit the pillow and I drew up the blanket to my chin I was out. I slept well and woke up without the alarm clock. I took The Bog Dog out a bit longer than I usually do in the morning. It was beautiful out. Not too hot, not too cold. The sun slowly peaking through clouds and it was quiet.

Inside my apartment after feeding the dog and making breakfast. I was running around with one heel on, changing from a black skirt and a dressy tube top to a sundress. I didn't think to pick something out the night before or think of what I would wear while I was out with The Big Dog.

Oh did I mention we were cruising around town in an 86 Cadillac? I sat n the back seat and felt little. It was plush and comfy. And selling for $3000.00 If it weren't so bad on gas mileage Id have taken it but I can only drive one car at a time so I'm not a big fan of letting things sit. It was fun to drive around in it.

We got many comments wherever we went which was fun. I even told D about it. Its in really good shape. Driven by a little old lady who didn't take it out in the winter. Shes decided to move to a retirement home and doesn't need the car anymore hence the car being for sale.

I wasn't planning on going out yesterday but did anyway. It was good to go out but I know I would have enjoyed staying in for some rest and relaxation as well. Plenty of time to fit everything in.

I think this weekend.. other then the Casino night that's planned for Saturday. It will be spent relaxing. Again nothing else is planned other than going to the Casino but if something should come up then my weekend plans will change.

Ohh I have to mention watching the movie Bogeyman. It scares me. Ive been watching the DVD now for about 4 days and Ive been watching it in installments of 15-20 minutes or so. I can only handle that much per day otherwise Ill be a wimp for a while.

This way I enjoy the movie and I am able to watch it by myself while my dinner is heating up. My sister laughed at me when I told her. Its OK. I laughed at myself too for the ingenious idea. Now I was also thinking of inviting someone over to watch it with me but then I know Id miss the movie because I would want to distract myself from the horror with the body beside me :)

When I'm alone and to distract myself from being way too involved in the movie I'm on the floor doing sit ups or some sort of exercise that keeps me on the floor and off of the edge of the seat and from biting my nails.

Well that's enough about me being a scaredy(sic) cat.

247 - distractions

Sunday

I sleep in. I have no energy. I feel numb. I stay in bed. When I get bored of my bed, I move myself to the couch. When I get bored of the couch, I get up, dressed, washed up and walk the dog for an hour. No real direction just walking.

I return home and feed The Big Dog. I wonder if she knows what happened. If she cares. Im sure she does. She looks bored too. Probably my fault. Im a big ball of boredom. We play tug of war a little bit and get her to do some tricks for treats.

Ive been told were watching a movie before I have to go work FIFA. My brother, sister and her boyfriend and I watch Harry Potter instead of 1408 as I was running a bit late and ended up in the shower when they drove up to my building. I'm usually not late. They don't give me a hard time about it but I apologize for it as its only polite.

We have buckets of popcorn and drinks. I don't eat much of the popcorn. Working in a movie theater for a few years ruined me for popcorn. It was a lot of fun to work there and get all my friends in for free.


Successfully getting my mind and body away from the apt and where The Little Ones images would affect me. They drop me off at home where I change and drive to serve beer to soccer fans. Argentina vs Mexico.

My luck? I get there and they tell me I'm in charge of my bar that night. (sigh) More responsibility. More attention to detail and more focusing required for the night. I wasn't happy about it but I got it all taken cared of. Did my counts and got my product out and ready.

The game went well. I saw some people that I hadn't seen in a while. Got their numbers and made sure my bar ran smoothly.

D and I had plans for after the game. I was looking forward to it. Very much. It feels like a long time since we've gotten together. Work had me stay a bit longer than I would like but I still made it to my place with enough time to change into something he hasn't seen me in before. More importantly, something I wanted to remove for his viewing pleasure.. which I know leads to mine.

222 - irritated

I'm irritated. Was supposed to meet D for lunch and that didn't happen. I called him at 12:15 like he asked and woke him up from a dead sleep. I felt bad. He said he'd call back. He didn't. I sent a couple of texts his way and got one back at 2:30 letting me know hes sorry and he just got up.

I'm irritated. He sends me another text message saying he'll make it up to me. I hate waiting. I waited. I hate being stood up. I was stood up. So I ate lunch and was irritated with it. It gave me no satisfaction. Not this time.

I'm irritated. My sister and I are trying to set something up with my brother who I have sent numerous text messages to. No replies to any one of them. I was also worried that he was hurt somewhere and couldn't get in touch with me or my sister.

I'm irritated as hes all defensive when I ask him if hes OK and let him know that its polite to get back to someone. Specially if they are family, specially if its to spend some time with them to honor how they are getting older but apparently not smarter. I'm sorry that was uncalled for. I take it back.

I'm irritated as I wanted to go out for dinner with them during the week so I can cry like a baby this weekend when I have to put the Little one down. Now I have to take care of the little one Saturday morning and then celebrate their stupid birthdays.

I'm irritated and shouldn't say their stupid birthday. I just don't know if I can keep it all together.

I'm irritated as 2 days ago was my Aunts Birthday and I didn't even call her to say Happy Birthday. I forgot.

I'm irritated as no one called me to remind me. I know its not anyone else's fault mine but I remind people about other peoples birthdays so they don't look like an idiot.

I'm in the mood to fight. I want to fight and then have angry sex.

I know I wont fight with anyone. I'm not a fighter. I also know that I wont have angry sex.

Ill be celibate for the next 4 days... the joy of being a woman and all that jazz.

OK So hes called me back and is taking the afternoon off of work, not necessarily to spend time with me. But he said he would which is nice. We'll end up doing things together, though this should be telling as we will be spending time together which doesn't involve bodies rubbing against each other. As much as we both would like that... I'm not 100% sure it will happen. Stranger things have happened right?

The heat here today is perfect if a bit much for beach weather. I felt like going but decided against it. Ill be leaving early today, apparently D wants to try something new. I'm curious as to what it is...

I can tell hes looking forward to getting together, I have a mental scream if things go boom because there may be no sex involved in the afternoon/evening we'll be spending together. I wonder how that's going to turn out. I might be tempted to start discussions that I might be ready for.

Ill keep myself busy and have a mouthful of something or another to stop from having that conversation. I mean what? Its only been about 3 and 1/2 months since we've met. That cant be/mean anything. HA!

------------------------------------------------------------

- not looking forward to tomorrow,
- will sleep with the Little One tonight
- Treat the Little One to more treats and fanfare
- still conflicted over it all
- Hope you all have a great weekend.

212 - cool

The need for an air conditioning unit is high. I'm on the top floor of an apartment building with sun streaming in from sunrise until about 4pm. It doesn't cool until the sun goes down. If there is a breeze I hope its a cool breeze and not just shuffling around heavy humid air.

Last night I get a phone call letting me know that there is a sale on at Future Shop on one particular AC unit. I debate on whether I want to go and try to get my sister to come with me. She has plans already made and cant get out of it to come with me. That's OK, maybe Ill wait though I'm told that at the price they were advertising them at might mean that there wouldn't be any left when I do go to see them.

I get a call from my brother who has no plans and I ask if he wants to go with me and soon we off to get my first ever AC unit.

We see a few models and as I have no idea about ACs other than they make your house colder. I read the features on the boxes and at how they are 3 in 1s now, fan, dehumidifier and ac unit. Fancy. I'm looking at a portable unit as I'm against unsightly things sticking out of my window. Ranging from 250-499. I get a crash course on how much space a 5000 BTU unit would cool. A room apparently, that wouldn't be fit to do a whole apartment. Next one up I look at looks promising. 9000 BTUs, able to cool a bigger space, this one at 499$ The price is not appealing.

I look around and compare between models and sizes. One of the managers comes up to me and lets me know that he has available only for today, a sale on the last box of a 10000 BTU unit. I smiled and asked him what was wrong with it. He laughed and said that nothing was wrong with it. He told me about it. I asked questions about the unit, warranty, installation and other things.

I told him I didn't know anything about ACs and that I appreciate the time that hes spent with me. I told him I would discuss a few thing with my brother and would find him with a decision. I walked around a few minutes with my brother and did the pros and cons with him. More pros than cons. Big con was I wasn't doing any comparisons. I told him Id fix that and called 2 people who have some knowledge of ACs.

Both phone calls resulted in me purchasing the AC. I was grateful to have people to call and talk to about what I was about to do. Made it seem like I wasn't getting ripped off completely.

So I saved 200$. I was thinking, even if they were lying to me about it being on sale as it wasn't on the floor or anything. Just up on the rafters collecting dust. For the size of it and the amount of BTUs its still a good price. Other models that only had 9000BTUs were priced at 499$. This one seemed like a good deal to me even without talking to other people about it.

When I got home I had my brother set it up for me and I couldn't turn it on right away as I had to let the Freon settle. Once he had things arranged he took off and I spent some time getting things organized, nothing exciting. Though it was all done in the nude. If you find that kind of thing exciting :)

Where we had it made it stick out and look like an eyesore as it didn't match with anything that I owned. So I took it apart and moved it to the other corner where it wouldn't be such an eyesore. Heavy bugger. It made it and more importantly, I made it.

I turned it on and sweet cold air. If you're picturing it. I'm standing in front of the unit sans apparel and the air is blowing right at me, you guessed it.

D came over earlier than usual and he took a look at how I put everything together to make sure I didn't miss anything. I didn't. He didn't think it was an eyesore but he did say it didn't match anything I owned. I told him that he should have seen it before I moved it to where it currently is.

He showed me a couple of things about how it worked and then we went into my room and we both smiled because we knew what was coming ahead. A lot of kissing, licking and stroking were some of the things that were on the list.

Its still new and exciting. I wonder if the sex will ever get unexciting. I mean there are still things to try with each other. I think mid March or so is when we started to copiously couple. I think last night might be the first night hes been privy to seeing my hands on my breasts.

So, saying that, Its fun. I'm not in a rush to whip out my sexual resume in front of him to let him know what I have done but its fun to let things come naturally (pun intended) Even if its something as having my hands on my own body.

208 - Little one

Ive decided. Second weekend in June. Its strange that Ive decided. I'm not sure why that weekend. I know I cant do it the first weekend as that is my brothers birthday weekend. Hes away on a trip and I know that he would want to be there.

Why not this past weekend? The long weekend? Too soon. It'll be a family affair, we'll go together lend each other support. I don't want to cry in front of them. Maybe Ill save that for later or maybe cry with the little one at home. Tell her I'm sorry that I do love her, that I would keep her around but I'm not sure if she wants that.

How do I know whats for the best if I don't even know that for myself? how do I decide for another?

I just told my dad about when we are planning on doing it. Hes not happy knowing the end is near. She was his at the start. She adopted me when he moved. I always thought I should bring her there to be with him. He would have been happy with that. Hes just not happy all around that it has to come to this. None of us are happy. But it has to be done. (does it?)

I cant even tell whats on her mind. Is she in pain. Does she want to go? When does she want to go. Why do I have to decide and I tell myself that Ive had her and have witnessed the decline. Am I awful for not doing it sooner? Is it too soon?

I'm just questioning it all and I'm worried about how the other one will be afterwards. They weren't best friends nor were they enemies. They just lived together, shared toys, beds and water bowls.

How will the other be? I hope OK. I hope that I'm OK.

After that weekend no longer will I carry her down the hallway, down the elevator and place her on the grass in the park. No longer will I clap my hands to make a sharp sound to get her attention as her eyes are deteriorating. No longer will I need to walk back to her so she can see me from a foot away. No longer will I have to kneel by her and let her take in my scent when her hearing gets worse.

The coin spins in the air as I cant decide if its right/wrong, early/late, good/bad.

I have to put down the little one. Shes 18 years old. A bishon mix. Small, blond and cute. We've had her since she was a puppy and as much as I think it may just be another day that weekend. It'll hit me when I go home and shes not there.

Ill never find another like her. No one else will come close.

Ill remember...

• when you were a puppy you couldn't jump on the sidewalk, we had to pick you up until you could do it yourself.
• running away from the scene of the crime with you on my tail when I had no plastic bag
• you nipping that guys ankle when he put his hands on me at the park
• sleeping with you curled at my hip or feet. sometimes getting under the covers in the middle of the night. It kept me warm too
• playing hide and seek at the park, taking naps in the park
• how you still look like a puppy now
• that you hate it when I trim your nails, but have grown tolerant of it
• how you love to hang your head out of the window on road trips
• the clothes I made you wear, you were cute

I'm sorry for...

• yelling at you, and not paying attention to you when I was cranky
• making you wear reindeer ears at Xmas, it was cute!
• cutting it to the quick
• taking my frustrations out on you by ignoring you
• thinking that It would be better without you
• sneaking you a piece of chocolate when I shouldn't have
• having to make this decision

Thank you for...

• knowing when to nip ankles
• when to give kisses and comfort me
• where to go do your business
• always being there no matter what
• being a part of my life.
• being a smart and obedient dog without any training.
• keeping the other one company

You'll always be...

• my dog, no matter what my dad says :)
• the cutest no matter what the other one does

Little one.... I have to let you go, I'm sorry. I know one day ill see you again when its my turn to go. We'll all be together at some point. Until that time comes... thanks for being a part of my life.

To self... if you're crying now while you're writing a post... you'll be a mess come that day. Keep it together... keep it together.

Someone once said... You have to love them enough to let them go.

189 - childish

Nothing was planned for the weekend and nothing came up that was last minute. I spent Saturday shopping with my sister. I gave myself a starting budget of 100$ to spend and ended up doubling it. We had lunch at a favorite Thai restaurant and had great food and fun conversation.

Turning into the parking lot to get to the restaurant a cab driver decided to try to squeeze himself in before me and I of course didn't let that happen. I don't like stupid people and that extends to stupid drivers. Ill admit that it wasn't even legal for me to turn right where I did so I know we were both in the wrong for that. So I went and found a parking spot and did a mental grr towards stupid drivers. Taxi drivers or not.

I pull into a spot and see behind me the same guy who wanted to squeeze himself in. I'm thinking did he want this exact spot as well? My sister and I get out of the car and I am a little confused about why he was blocking off my car. So I walk towards the restaurant not wanting to give him the time of day. Maybe that was the wrong move? As he rolls his window down and asks me if I have my drivers license.

Darling, Of course I do... do you?

Non English speaking driver. Do you know how to drive? You could lose your life. Next time you lose your life.

My Sister. Are you threatening her???

Darling (and I hate confrontations of this sort) I understand that you may not be pleased about what happened but I had the right of way. Seeing as I am alive and you are as well. Enjoy your day. It might have been your last as well.

Non English speaking driver, says a few things like go get a drivers license and so on.

I take a deep breath and start to walk away. Sooooo not worth my time! I turn when I hear my sister spout out a few expletives at the driver and I smile and laugh. I think shes in a fighting mood as shes saying things that I would entertain thinking of. Shes swearing up and down and really giving it to this guy and hes still in his car.

I tug her arm and she follows me. Shes the fighter, I'm the lover. Both of us are fuming at the ridiculousness of the whole situation. I just get over it faster. As per her request she wants to wait outside for a few minutes to see if he does anything to my car. She apologizes and I tell her not to worry about it. She said some things that I wanted to but didn't and I told her it just wasn't worth it. If we took the time to deal with all the stupid people we came across then wed have a lot of things piling up on the real to do list.

I'm trying to teach her patience, letting go and walking away. The lessons shes teaching me? Ill save for another post :)

So after we see him drop off his wife and child and see them return with a small paper brown bag of some sort of food. We watch the car drive away. My sister apologized for being paranoid as shes worried hell go out and key my car and I know shed feel guilty so I stay outside with her. Calming her down a bit.

Inside we make fun of each other and come up with really witty if a bit late comments that we could have thrown at the man. Some that made us laugh and some that were really mean which involved a jet plane ejecting someone off sans chute :P we are so mean sometimes in thought only of course. In person we are the epitome of sweetness and delight... really. Its sick sometimes really.

That was the highlight of the weekend.

The low light involves me being brave and strong if all a farce. I enjoy horror movies and enjoy the squeak of the doors and the drop of a hammer when I'm not expecting it. So the movie of choice that I thought I could conquer for all future scary movies, was WolfCreek.

Not a good choice. About 30 minutes from the end of the movie I shut it down, almost in tears and hid myself in the safety of my blanket where no evil could get to me. I kicked myself all sorts of ways and felt a little childish as I am a 27 year old... dare I say woman who just spouted of all these things about how great it is to be me and I cant sit through and watch a horror movie in its entirety without almost shedding any tears.

So I tried to and cant do it. I tried to watch it on my own. I do need someone there. About an hour in my hiding place my cell phone rings and I'm reminded of the noise in the move The Grudge with Sarah Michelle Gellar. I'm hoping to not hear that noise when I flip the phone open.

Its D who was in Toronto at the time. I tell him what I did and feel even more like a total girl. Chin quiver and everything and as I tell him what I did or tried to do. I feel the start of ... nerves again. He tells me that I'm OK and that I should wait for him next time I want to do something like that. God the girl in me needed to hear something like that. I needed to feel protected and at the moment distracted from the eerie shadows dancing on my bedroom walls.

It hasn't totally left me. In the parking garage, I look at all the corners to make sure I don't see any movement. I leave quickly and recall the self defence lessons that I learned. Though no one would know what serving the sword means, that or up and over and buddy, around then arm barr (sic).

Oh well, in time I know my head will rest and feel safe. Though if that movie was based on a true story. Whose to say that a movie wont be made from something that happens to me (gulp) This is how people start getting things like... erm... phobias, that's the word... I think. Is it?

Self inflicted insanity? paranoia?

Its amazing what kind of tricks the mind can play. I know ill get over it in a few days. One day ill look back and call myself silly for allowing myself to get to that point. But for now... Ill be sleeping with one eye open :)

Please tell me its cute that I'm this way and that its not something I should worry about :)

85 - The best

"Remember when we were little and wanted to be just like mom? ha ha ha ok so its not funny AND so not true :) You practically supported me as if you were my mom. We're not bad..'that' bad, but youve done ...so much more that a sister could/should have done. For that and all the laughs, all the tears, all the dogs all the bullshit, all the GUYS! Everything!! I am grateful and unbelievably blessed to have such and amazingly loyal, and honest sister. All thats passed has helped me grow. Even though weve aways lived or seperate lives. Times where we dont get to talk for days/weeks. I know that you love me. When I relly think about it and all tht youve done- I cry. You didnt have to help me, call or write me. But you do. That means a lot more than you know. So I want you to know that you are awesome. School/no school- youre living the life you want to live. No real regrets. Nothing you choose to do is wrong. You do what you do, no apologies. I dont care what people say, school will always be there; the people we meet, the places we go and the things we do...we'll meet, go and do when we get the chance. Youre taking those and living life. "There is no greater disservice we commit in this life than living within the grips and confines of fear" You taught me that. You live it & learn it. Call it growing up, through boys, family, issues, life, youve been there one way or another in my life and I pray everyday that we'll be there like we were once more. Sitting on the steps talking, laughing, living. I owe you everything because youve taught me everything that Id need to know to survive today. I love you. Im sorry I cant give you the winning lottery ticket or a vacation like you deserve or anything special like that but... I promise to repay you for everything one way or the other. "
love
your sister

The above was written to me for my birthday from my younger sister. Damn if I didnt end up crying in the parking lot while reading it. Im crying now just sharing it. That letter was by far the best gift she could have given me, ever. I have no words to share how much emotion I have. The tears wont stop and I just love her. Im glad she knows it.

No one knows me like she does. I tell her so many things that would make any other person think I am insane. She looks at me and thinks that I am the greatest sister in the world. Sometimes I wonder if she heard me correctly and I find a way to repeat something in different words... and she says as long as I am safe and happy.

Tell me how to explain the way I look at my little sister and think of how she got so grown up. Shes growing up. Slowly but surely.

'No payment required, dont you understand little girl? I cant give you the vacation or the lottery ticket either. I just want to make sure you are the best of me and the best of you together. I dont want anything but you to be. Just be.'

I dont know what else to say. Anyone have any tissue? I seem to have emptied this box of mine.

forty seven - family

Ill only ever have one mother and one father. I am very lucky to have a brother and a sister. As much as we quarrel sometimes. They will always be my family. No one else can say that they are my father, mother, brother or sister. No one.They might be some people who are as close. But never be.

If any of you by chance ever read this. I love you. You might not know everything about me and my life now. Thats partially my fault. Some things I know wouldnt be too welcome as common knowledge. You know I get annoyed with you all at one time or another. I will continue to be somewhat annoyed with you at some point. Such is life. I wont expect you all to never be annoyed with me though I know it will be a hard thing to find something about me to be annoyed about *giggles*

I know Im not perfect and I might have had some negative thoughts a time or three. I know that there will never be anyone like you all in my life. Weve gone through some things that wed rather not talk about. Some things that really get us all riled up. Sometimes weve also been divided on some issues. But what I remember most is the way we can all laugh together. Even its at the expense of one another. Its still great to share those moments together.

I probably never said it enough that I love you. I do. I probably never wrapped my arms you enough for a hug. I wish I did, theres still time to correct that. Im sure I could have given you the last cookie, oh wait. I know I did that for sure!! I thank you for going shopping with me and telling me the Gods honest truth about how I looked. Im sorry I couldnt reciprocate. Im kidding. You looked fabulous.

To my mom. As much as we disagree with each other I love you. You will always be there to remind me to turn the lights off and you will always try and figure out what it is im trying to keep a secret. What I am writing or typing. Who I am going out with and what his name is. I know that you care. Through it all. I hope that you know that no matter what happened or whatever was said, that Ill always be your daughter. Ive learned a lot of lessons, thank you.

To my brother. I wish so much for you it hurts. I wish that some things were different and others not so different. Ill always remember the cookie and the two-by-four. I will never forget it. I want you to fly. To soar. Ill always be here for you no matter how you land. If I could choose something to happen. It would be for you to embrace life and all it has to offer. For you are worthy of everything and more. Ive always thought you can do anything you want to do in life. I still do. I love you.

To my sister. I know you are younger than I am. Sometimes I feel like a child when I am with you. You seem so grown up its wonderful and it also saddens me. For I wish that you were the sweet innocent little sister that followed and adored me. (I know you did!) Unhurt by anything and stayed unjaded and free. Life sucks sometimes. Thank you for being close to me, for sharing things and listening with an unjudgmental ear. For yelling at ex boyfriends when I couldnt. Im so sorry that I didnt spend more time with you when I should have. Im sorry for making you feel anything less that loved. Im sorry for the times when I seemed too self involved. I could not have asked for a better sister. For you I also wish the world. I wish for you to be showered with love and tenderness. For health, wealth and happiness. Most of all, understanding, of yourself most of all and of others. I wish that all the things I have learned in my life so far that I have been able to share with you, that you keep them in mind. That you follow your dream, follow your path to greatness. I love you.

To my dad. Im so sorry to have disappointed you on occasion. I know you only want the best for me. For us. You have given so much of yourself that I want to make sure that I can do what I can for you now. I know were far apart and I know that the love you have for us is still there still strong still growing. I cant imagine what its like to look at your children and imagine what it is you are thinking. I just want you to know that I love you. Through it all I love you. No one else has been on my corner like you have. I have no words to say how much I appreciate all you have done for me, with or without my knowledge. Ill only know how much when I have my own children. Ive learned lessons even though some of them came to fruition years after an incident :) Thank you. I love you. Be safe.

There is so much for me to write about my family. So many things I want to say and share. Even if I dont say it or show it as much as I should. I love you.

thirteen

My aunt is in the hospital. She has Cancer and I love her. I just dont like to go visit for a purely selfish reasons. I dont deal well with sick people/weak people. Its not her fault she has cancer. I just dont deal well with sickness. I dont know, is it the weakness that I cant handle? Maybe its the not knowing how to help in situations that im wary of. I havent seen her in about a week. If I do go see her, I am awkward. Make idle chit chat. Nothing important. I go for her, cz I know she'll feel better, not so alone and away from the world that isnt the hospital.

I dont want to talk to her about my issues, first sharing with family other than my sister seems like giving people arsenal to one day use against me. Second, im awkward. Third if one knows about it Ill hear it from other members of the family. There is no privacy. The only one that knows things ... some things lol would be my sister.

I mean Id rather not have to share some of the stupid things ive done lol but some of it is amusing.. maybe not at the time but give it some time and I usually end up laughing about it :) If you cant laugh at yourself, then what fun is that?

* Flashback
I used to think I had man hands when I was younger. So I used to hide my hands a lot or didnt really pay them any mind. After a while of hanging out with guys... after their growth spurt lol My hands are now in the tiny category I cant palm a basketball. I dont know if many people can, women anyway .. who arent in the WNBA. I guess thats generalizing lol

Crap... here I was thinking that Id be able to sleep early tonight to catch up on sleep... I just checked my planner and Ive got to work the Cirque du Soleil tonight. No im not a performer lol I bartend there.

times like these I wish I drank coffee... I wont start of course.. itll stunt my growth lol I need all the height I can get, dont want to lose any :) lol