378 - What is it about a man

What is it about a man?

What is it about a man that I look at? What makes me decide that I want him? and what is it that I want him for if he doesn't make the grade? How bad is that? That if he doesn't make the cut... I wonder how I can somehow fit him into my life.

This post might be enlightening. For you? A little degrading for me. But honest.

When I meet a man. I always look forward to the best possibility. Who knows what that possibility could be. Just the best. Who doesn't want the best?

At first glance. At first meeting. Its an interview of sorts. Its true within a few minutes I can have a general sense of where it might go. If it will go anywhere or not. Ill find out if I am attracted to them physically. Though sometimes its difficult to tell because of all the clothes he has on.

Don't you ever wonder what the other person looks like naked before you get to that point? Just so you know if there is anything that might be a turn off or off putting or a deal breaker? I mean sometimes I want to see what Ill be getting before I get there to make sure that Its actually something I want to ... do.

So in my head I wonder what they look like naked. I also want to know all their bad habits. Their pet peeves and what ticks them off. Their deal breakers, annoying habits and anything that people might not like about them. Because I just want to know and get that out of the way.

As far as the good things about them, the funny quirks, the endearing habitual movements I can wait on because that's what I want to get to know in time. Like little surprises. The rest I want to know up front and at the beginning of a courtship if I can call it that so I know if there is something that I really wouldn't be able to handle then it can be dealt with without any awkward moments of thinking you've lead someone on, that you've become something special to them and so on.

Also at the beginning of a courtship as Ill call it from now on even though it sounds more romantic than I'm making it out to be. I also want to find out what it is they really are looking for. What kind of woman they are looking for because I want to know if what they are looking for is... well. Me.

If I can decide that they are looking for someone or something that I cannot provide or offer then there is no point in continuing this... courtship. So better luck next time and hope you find what you're looking for.

Why do I want that? Well because I know me best and I know what I can offer and If I am a match to their description then we move along.

I'm not saying someone will one day describe me to the T but if its somewhere in the vicinity then why wouldn't I think it would be a good match and why not continue with this person because he seems to be looking for someone... something like ... me.

Now that I think about it. it feels a little like I'm cheating, stacking the odds? But don't most people do something of the like? Maybe not as out and open as I do it but don't most people do that? Some people do mass dating, serial dating to some but its all to get closer to finding that one person.

Maybe I'm just in a loopy mood tonight. Introspective is the word I'm looking for.

Take SE. Pretty boy. Can make me think naughty thoughts and all hes wearing is a pair of rip away pants and white shirt. The thing is... once hes naked... it doesn't illicit the same naughty thoughts as when hes fully clothed. Strange? I am.

D? Can fill out a pair of jeans and long sleeve vneck and have me wanting to touch him even if its me squeezing his arm for a moment. Naughty thoughts well at warp speed. Then naked it takes it to a whole new level and I wonder how I can have my mouth in more the one place on his body at the same time.

With A who I have yet to take to second base I don't know if I could handle it going that far. Not for me but because for him it would take this to a whole new world of courtship. Did I mention that A has offered to ' take care of me'? I hope you are no longer wondering why I haven't let it go further.

SJ is new and is a little amorous because of his ummm preference for women with ample... assets. Not that I think mine are anything to talk about in the locker room but he seems very interested in getting together due to the many different things he would be able to... do.

C has made a return. I have yet to decide what Id like to do with him but I know for certain that it wont be how it was when we were together briefly. Ive grown a little bit and know what I want more than I did before so I hope that hell be receptive of how Ive become a little.... less submissive.

SB came for a visit last week and it was nice. Hes got some ideas that I am not sure of as it will tip the balance of who is in control... and I'm a girl who likes the reins. Even when it looks like I don't its only because I let them think I don't have it

Spring is fast approaching and so The Soup seem to realize this and are aware that spring brings out a new season and.... wardrobe :) Not only those in The Soup are aware of this. So are those not included.

People will be feeling more... amorous and well... I hope to take advantage and be right in the thick of things.

370 - whats in my mind

I'm still in that place where its hard to walk around and feel normal. I wonder if people can tell theres something wrong with me. That in my mind I'm thinking of whether to go up to someone and ask them to follow me for a no strings attached sex. A stranger. Someone Ive never met and someone Ill hope to never see again after a much needed tryst.

Ive always thought about things like that but not with this intensity. This unidentifiable need to feel someone sliding in and out of me. To feel their hot breath against my neck. To make them kiss me deeply while my legs wrap around them pulling them in closer.

I wonder if its some fucked up way of me needing something that I'm not getting. Sex? Could be? Feeling? Might be. Love? What is that? Is it some way my way of being fulfilled in a way that I'm currently not and me finding it in the arms of someone that I don't have any serious, meaningful or strong relations with.

Or am I just living life and have my hormones fly off the handle because I'm at a certain point in my life where my body needs more sex? Where I should be settling down. Is that the place I am at? Is this all normal for women or men for that matter?

Or is this just the way that things go because its a numbers game and eventually Ill find someone that sticks. Someone that doesn't mind my idiosyncrasies my twisted neurosis. My ever changing double standards. Maybe they mind all the above. Maybe they mind but can live with it because I accept them for theirs. Might even love them because they have their own quirks.

The fucked up thing is. I keep going back to D. He accepts all the quirks that I have. All the mind numbingly silly questions I have. From the things Ive done in the past to some of the things that I'm curious about in the future. He takes it all and doesn't make me feel like a freak.

I guess though... the difference is... He doesn't have to care. He just have to sift through it all and make nice because... he doesn't have to go home to me every night. Its just a part of his day and at night he goes home to his son.

SE? The fastest rising new boy that I have? He might do some damage and actually do something with me. I'm hoping. Ive already broken down and had sex with him. My fault... though I blame it on him too.. but I'm equally to blame. Strange. I didn't have the talk with him that I usually do with most guys I sleep with.

So that puts me in an awkward position. Where to go from here. Its even more awkward that we work together. I know Ive been a huge advocate about not dating anyone I work with. But ... and I'm justifying here or making excuses... call it what you want. But I'm not dating him... were just having sex.

I know he wants more. Hes looking for that someone. That special someone. I am too... in an I'm going to deny it kind of way because I like being single as much as the next married person does.

What do I make of SE? I'm not sure yet. Maybe I shouldn't put any eggs in his basket and let fate do its thing. Its already a bit odd because of other things but I wont rush anything and soon I'm sure he and I will have a talk about details.

A calls me numerous times daily. Sometimes to the point of irritation. Sometimes if I let it go to voicemail. Ill listen to it sometime late and hear his rendition of Mr Wonders 'I just called...' song. As a friend he loves me. As a woman he wants to sleep with me. I know this.

SB calls me on and off to try to have phone sex and Ive never found a way to get out of it politely. In the middle of it you cant just say 'oh I have someone on the other line Ill have to let you go.' or 'you know this isn't really doing anything for me at the moment' The only way Ive found to get out of phone sex is to not let it start at all. Which can be a little tricky but with enough practice and promise of making it up at a later time... (when its to my benefit) Its not so bad.

I'm contemplating adding to the The Soup but because its difficult to keep in touch sometimes it will be at a snails pace. However if there is an addition worthy to share. Ill definitely share.

352 - reading into

D - 2:06 where are you?

D - 2:06 where are you?

D - 2:07 where are you?

D - 2:08 I think Im heading home

D - 2:08 Tell me youre close

D - 2:09 K, goodnight... I guess

D - 2:09 Where are you?

D - 2:09 Last call

This was a night I had to work late and he finished earlier than I did. We had seen each other for breakfast and lunch. Spoke to each other on the phone in between and in between phone calls and meeting each other. Text messaging each other.

I was running late and couldnt hurry any more than I was and didnt actually get above messages until the next day due to my inbox being full. So with that information its no surprise that I didnt get to go out and have drinks with him.

Needless to say I was really bummed about not seeing him. I was in a mood to just see him. Be with him. Hang out. I think I was really looking forward to going out with anyone. Seeing as it was 2am Most of the people I knew were in bed or heading home.

D was up and well an opportunity unable to be taken by me. Thats all. But it was cute the way he sent those texts. I called him afterI was finished and he was just leaving the bar. He waited for me for an hour. I felt bad that he did but it made me feel nice to know that he would wait.

Its the little things that get to me. Its the little things that confuse me. Its the little things that make me twist myself in a knot. Well, that and all the rest really.

Other messages to and from each other... because I know you are all curious and want to know :)

Darling - It feels like I havent seen you in a while. Looking forward to it soon...

On a night I was out on a dinner date with someone other than D he pulled a little bit of a suck and I sent the following.

Darling - You know I would rather be out with you right? Youre my first choice even when I know Im not yours.

So sometimes theres something that D and I dont do a lot. Sometimes. When were in the midst of sex its very good its very ... orgasmic. Sometimes we dont do a whole lot of kissing. Im almost a little embarrassed to say that.

So I asked him about it and he sends me a text message.

D - I know why we dont kiss.

Darling - Do I want to know?

Darling - Im scared its me

And I was scared there was something that I did and continually do to make him not want to kiss me.

Darling - OK tell me already. Im on pins and needles. Its me isnt it?

Darling - Wait was that text even for me?

Maybe it was meant for someone else that he wasnt kissing? Maybe hes just not into kissing me or anyone else. I didnt want to focus on the fact that there could be others that hes with and not kissing though I take some solace in the fact that if there were others he isnt kissing them either. My mind is twisted. I hope you were able to follow the above.

Darling - Youre pulling my panties arent you?

All these texts while Im working and Im thinking about it and hoping its not me and that he tells me why it is we dont kiss as much as I would like.

D - You are always on top.

I call him for clarification and he thinks its because I seem to really enjoy being on top which means that Im sitting astride and well if I do lean down its usually to fill his mouth with my nipple, left or right. Not always in that order :)

So that gives me something to work on. I dont mind working on these things. Practice makes perfect no?

332 - Go Sens Go :)

Darling 'I have a question.'

D - OK...

Darling Well, ...............(silence on my end)..... Um Never mind

D - ok...

Darling - Its just that it will sound vain and shallow...

D - If you have a question just ask. Its ok.

Darling changes the topic and we both laugh at something funny and as hes laughing... I ask very softly...

Darling - Do you think I'm pretty?

D - Do I think you're pretty? I know I'm not very giving when it comes to that kind of thing... but wait a sec do you think I would be sleeping with you if you weren't.

Darling - Well... Im sure it happens out there to some people. I...

D - I think you're really pretty.

Snippets of conversations from last night with D.

D - Guys at work will fall over themselves over you. You will love the attention. I know this.

Darling - Oh yeah? says who? You know... I think its already happening and I'm only in training. They were trying to convince me to buy a house and if I needed my driveway cleared of snow, they were sure they could have a list of guys who would love to help me out in that area... besides... I like the attention that I get from you.

D - (smiles and gives me a kiss)

I hadn't seen him in more than a week and it was getting to the point where we were both getting frustrated about that. So he came over last night after work and we had sex. It was great. I cant even write about it. Yet :)

My body still living in the memory of last night and is doing all very good things at the moment. TMI.. sorry.

D - Did I tell you about my new budget?

Darling - (laughs) another one? What happened to the previous one?

D - I didn't have a previous one.

Darling - Yes you did... (and I went into detail about what it was and he agreed with me.)

D - OK well this one is a bit different.

We talk about it and Its very doable. He mentioned that he will keep the budget until I'm done training as then it will have to be upped as we'll see each other more. As we wont see each other or go out as much in the next 5 weeks because of me still being in training. I told him to enjoy the savings as it will change when I'm on the priority list in 5 weeks.

I do expect to be on some kind of priority list when I a finished training.

He told me what he made on his lat pay cheque and in my head I wowed but thats OK, Ill make that same amount.. not for 2 years but thats OK. Time flies does it not? He asked how I was with my finances and I told him I wasn't worried about it as I wasn't thinking about it.

I mean I haven't changed any of my habits. I still go shopping and pick up things that I know I might not need and end up giving away. If I don't end up making dinner for myself then I eat something easy like soup and sammies.

Ive been eating really healthy and am continuing the daily use of the treadmill which helps when I come home from training.

Training is fun though I think thats just my personal way of putting a spin on what some people call intense and difficult. Its all in how you look at things.

More to come and I'm trying to find time to finish posts and reply to comments. Ive got a USB thingy that I can use to start and work on posts so its a matter of just getting the internet to hook it all up with. I'm looking forward to it and Go Sens Go!

:)

324 - in the air

They are on a hiring frenzie here at J1. The rest of the group is a bit put off by it, because not only are they hiring someone to replace me. They are looking to hire a second person as well. They have each individually spoken to management and brought up the topic of a raise and that was turned down.

Someone put it this way. 'They need to hire two people to replace you?' I just laughed at that and silently agreed.

Instead of keeping their current employees happy they will go ahead and hire someone newOK 2 new people now. Im not sure why that is as they will save more money by giving everyone a raise. Keep them happy and show them that they are valued as employees. When the department brings in, in one month 45 Gs more than the same month the year before. Theres room to share the wealth, just a tiny bit of it.

There are 2 other people in my dept who are looking for something different. They are seeing that there is no give from the company even when they are working hard and producing. I dont blame them. One day after theyve hired enough people and are trying to figure out why they cant hold on to their employees they might decide to make the position a little more attractive by making it more attractive.

So Im happy that I have found something new and different. Im nervous about it but thats normal. They are calling for 25+ cm of snow starting today. Im not looking forward to that. I think it will be a movie night in.

I see D once a week now that our schedules are insane again. I miss him a little but not enough to make me do anything rash. He calls me throughout the day and we talk for a while. Its nice. Im not asking to see more of him. I shouldnt have to. Its at a point where Im backing away little by little.

I went out with one of my girlfriends who works with someone that wants to meet me. I asked her if I knew him and she said no. I asked her how he knew about me and she has mentioned me a few times in their conversations. She wants to set us up. I told her to go for it.

I told her a few things regarding The Soup and how things are going there and she asked me if I had time to meet with J2. I said Id make time. Its never THAT busy. I can always make time to meet with someone for 30 min to see if theres anything there to pursue. No matter if they dont make it in The Soup for any reason. That doesnt mean were not meant to be friends.

I have missed 2 of J1s calls. Im undecided about J. Im thinking of how I can fit J into my schedule and how much maintenance it will be to keep him in The Soup. Here are my thoughts. He is mobile which works for me as he lives about a 45 minute drive from me and Im not familiar with his area and well... Im just not a fan of long commutes.

His only mode of communication is the telephone. Which I usally dont mind as thats usually the best way to get me. But I do enjoy the occaional email. What I dont like is that he only calls me between 4-5pm. If I should be busy and in the middle of something or tied up :) I dont have a number to reach him so I just leave it to him to get in touch with me and leave messages if he cant get me.

Which makes me think that he has either a girlfriend/wife that wouldnt appreciate a message left for him from yours truly. I know youre thinking that I should just ask for his number but Ill pass. That means that I have the ability to call him, which I wont. So theres no real point in having it.

We shall see.

I heard from A and hes working on something and will call me back to let me know. Hes another elusive one. Im glad nothing sexual has happened between us. (for now) As it seems it would be a vanishing act after the act. I hear from him every few weeks if that. So I wouldnt want to get physically involved with someone that I knew wasnt... reliable, consistent or detailed. But things could always turn around. Who knows!?

M3 is thinking of coming to Ottawa for a night if my plans for a vacation dont go through. Im undecided there as he has certain ideas and Im all for them but on my time. I tell him that it will happen just not when he wants it because I dont plan things all the time. When things are planned I feel out of place. IE. Planning to go out for dinner and drinks is ok. What happens during dinner and while were having drinks is unknown. Hes got ideas of going to a place and having this done and that done and then continue to do this and that.


That doesnt do it for me and really doesnt do him any good as it just turns me off and away from wanting to do things with him. I try to tell him that but when thats all hes thinking of and hes thinking that hes lucky that I havent slapped him in the face and walked away. I think he thinks I like it but I dont. Again Ive told him and he just wont listen.

What he doesnt understand is that we will get together and when we do we will.. do things. It just wont be how he thinks it will happen. Leave some spontenaity in it. I told him that expecting things to happen a certain way will only leave him disappointed.

If I happen not to go away for a week I think Ill visit a friend of mine in Toronto. Time away for relaxing. Things are all up in the air.

321 - not quite the end

Earlier today, I gave in my two weeks. My last day here T J1 is Feb 7th.
I was a bit nervous but once I started I felt better and better.
Honesty is the best policy.
Never burn bridges, you'll never know when you'll need them in the future.
I was told that I will be welcomed back if I decide that the new job isn't for me.
I feel a little less weighed down having given J1 notice.
I have one whole week before training where I wont be at J1
If I work it out right. I might go on a trip.
The trip to Florida w M3 might be postponed... indefinitely.
Taking a week off with nothing planned (for the moment) scares me
I might enjoy it too much and decide I never want to work.
Ill start looking for ways to maintain my lifestyle without actually working :)
Any ideas?
I know that wont ever happen but its easy to get lazy about these things.
I don't like being lazy for long periods of time.
D and I got together at my place this afternoon.
We celebrated.
It was long overdue and yes it was a lot of fun.

I'm tired and feel like taking a nap now.
I'm going out tonight with my brother, sister and her boyfriend.
I'm breaking the news about the new job.
More celebrations.

My next two weeks will be full of celebratory lunches and drinks.
Drinks after work and at the end most probably cake and a card from my coworkers.
I'm happy to be making this change.
I'm going to miss the people the most.
Now I feel like crying.

This chapter is almost over.

320 - honest

I'm really nervous about the new job. Its something I don't know and its something that is new to me. I'm scared that Ill fail. That I wouldn't have made enough preparations if maybe I might not succeed with the program.

The future in the new job would bump me up to a new level a, different plane. Of someplace that Ive never been and wasn't quite sure that I would achieve. Monetarily and I guess if I'm being honest there's a security there that Ive never had with any company.

Which is why I'm nervous.

The other hand of complacency is telling me that I'm scared of leaving what I do have. I don't ask for a lot and I am OK with how my life is. There's always room for improvements. You can only stay so long in one place before moving on.

Like anything in life. Sometimes its time to move on.

Its scary. Yes. Its unknown. Yes.

Will I do it. Yes. In the name of life and living it, I will.

The above made me think of some of the things that I don't shy away from. Meeting someone new for coffee, dressing up provocatively for dinner. Attending parties where I don't know anyone and have to make great first impressions over and over and over. With every new person that greets me, that I come across, that strikes up a conversation. I'm always there making sure first impressions of myself go well.

I get a little bit nervous at the beginning but I do relax after the world continues to turn and I'm no longer waiting for it as I'm already there. In the middle of it. Living it. Instead of worrying about what it will be like.

Even if its something that unknown to me. Once I'm in it. I'm in it. Once I'm in the situation there's no going back, I just have to work through it and hope for the best.

:)

318 - sinking in.. Florida

D and I talked before he left. I felt a little out of sorts talking about it as I wasn't sure what I could and couldn't talk to him about. In the end I let it all out and he was OK with it all. He understood. He felt bad that there were things that he couldn't help with but he would try to see what he could do.

I told him that it was good enough that he listened. That I wasn't sure who I could talk to about any of that seeing that it had to do with the both of us. I asked him silly things like if there was anything between us. If there was anything between us that would last. If in a few years we would be something more than what we are now.

I told him that I miss sleeping with someone. Not sex. Just someone to lie in bed with sometimes. I miss the closeness I guess, the intimacy with him. We have other moments together Its just not all the moments. I told him I knew that he wouldn't be able to. I told him I knew that it was important for him to be there when Little D gets up in the morning. I told him that it was part of the attraction for me that he had Little D and that I find him a fantastic Dad.

I told him that I knew he wouldn't be able to spend the night because of that and I understood. I just wanted to know if he thought about it... and in my mind I thought Id be pleased if the least he said was yes hes thought about it and if he was able to he would. Just hearing him say it would make me feel better.

My question to him was. If you could would you want to? I got from him, 'I completely understand where you're coming from and its not out there that you have been thinking about it. I knew this issue would come up sometime but I wasn't sure when. You don't know how much I want to and there will be times with this schedule that I will be able to stay until the wee hours of the morning. I will be leaving to be home for when Little D gets up. That's important to me too.'

Throughout the conversation I cried. I cried because it was nice to talk to him about it. It felt good. I cried because of his answers and how much I needed to hear him say things that I only thought of. I cried because I didn't have to hide it.

I asked him if thought I was totally out of line asking these questions and even if he thought they were he said 'no not at all. I'm glad you talk to me about these things it helps us work it out together and keeps it all on the table.'

We somehow went to talking about arrangements like these and I asked him if this is how it usually goes. He didn't know how to answer that and I asked him how what we have is different from the others that he has had. He told me that they don't usually last this long. That they usually don't understand that Little D is his #1 and that it doesn't usually last past a month or so.

He said he would understand if I didn't want to continue the arrangement that we have and if I wanted to just be friends then that's OK with him. He says that's not what he would do but he would understand. He said hes happy with how things are between us and he wants to make sure that I am OK and comfortable with it all. If not then we can just.. be friends.

He said that what we have is new to him too. Its nice to know that its uncharted territory for the both of us. In the end I admitted that the realization that there might not be a future between us was sinking in. I cried, he listened.

It wasn't the greatest conversation but it was one that felt liberating. I don't know how things will be when he gets back. I do miss him. I miss his voice. The phone calls to and from each other. I miss his body. I miss what he does to mine.

I'm cant make a commitment to someone that cant do the same for me. I do have feelings for him and I don't think that will change. I do need to continue on. Ill always be there for as long as he wants me in his life. Hell be in mine as long as he wants to. I don't see myself throwing a friendship away.

He sent a few text messages yesterday and that was nice. I told him to have fun and not to do anything I would do and his reply was really? I can do all that?

Cheeky huh? LOL

In continuing on. I will be going to Florida sometime in early February with M3 for a couple of days if our schedule works out. We will meet each other there.

Cheesecake with AR last night went really well. Hope to see more of each other in the near future.

Got a phone call from Brazil who was in New Brunswick visiting his parents. He was in Ottawa but didn't have my phone number so he wasn't able to find me. He doesn't know where I live either. It was nice to hear from him and to know that Ive been on his mind a lot. He is thinking of moving back but isn't sure of when.

Things are looking up. D will be back Monday. We'll see how things go.

307 - appliances

I know that most women would not appreciate certain things for a present whether it be for Christmas a Birthday or Valentines day etc.

Unless someone has a need for one and you know that it would help.

I know its not the most romantic of gifts, the most expressive or the most thrilling.

I'm wondering if a neck massager is considered an appliance or is it considered something else?

It wasn't a neck massager :)

On the phone D and I were discussing our plans to meet for lunch and I let him decide where we will go. He also adds in that he would like to go to my place afterwards. This takes me by surprise as we don't usually have time to do both. Eat and do the horizontal mambo.. consecutively.

We have lunch and we have a great time, talking, laughing and eating. For some strange reason we both didn't have dinner the night before or have breakfast this morning. So we really enjoyed our lunch.

Outside I check the time and I have roughly 10 minutes until I need to be at work and that wouldn't be enough time. Its never enough time when it comes to the Mambo :) So I broke the news to him and he looked around and then told me that I needed to pull my car up by his.

Confused for a moment and I didn't know what to say so I just did. I pulled up behind his car and he opened his car door and nods inside. I laughed out loud and tilted my head at him and said in the most girliest voice Ive ever heard myself in say 'really?'

Its his turn to laugh at me and he tells me to 'come on.' I wonder if I should leave my car running is the thought that flits through my mind. I let it run and I open my door and take a quick peek around to parking lot. In the middle of the day. I must be crazy. D must be crazy. But I'm horny and D must be horny. So I walk over to the door and he nods towards the back seat.

I keep eye contact with him and hes smiling away. He must be looking forward to this. I'm still a bit taken aback and then I look inside the car and in his back seat is sitting a big box that I'm not sure how he got inside his car.

I realize what it is and I burst out in laughter. Laughter for a couple of reasons.

1 I cant believe he got me that
2 I cant believe that I thought he wanted to have sex in the restaurants parking lot.
3 That I reacted the say I did
4 That I lead myself on the way I did.
5 I'm such a tease to myself.

That was more than a couple but I'm still laughing about it all. He transfers it into my backseat and I marvel at how it actually fit into the backseat. Its a huge box.

D - I wanted to wrap it for you but I was running late to meet you here and I didn't want to keep you waiting.

Darling - That's OK Its got bows on it.

D - That's not all it comes with..

He bends inside his car and pulls out a little basket of goodies. Popcorn, chocolates and more chocolate covered sweets. I laugh some more. Genuinely of course. I never expected it. To be honest I wasn't expecting anything because well.. that's another post.

Darling - I wasn't expecting anything, I think this is really sweet. Out of the blue but really sweet. You'll have to come over some time and share this popcorn with me sometime...

D - Of course

I wasn't expecting anything from him at all and if I was to think of something it would have been something like something. I cant think of anything at the moment. Go figure. OK I lied I was expecting something. But nothing like what he did get. I was expecting some chocolate spread that he would use my body as a canvas.

So I'm still smiling about it. We kiss. We hug. I want to take him home with me but I don't. I get in my car. Roll down my window and say something about women getting appliances for presents.. He laughs and tells me that I need it.

Funnily enough, getting a microwave was something that I was debating on getting for 2008. I told him that when he calls me 2 minutes later. There's laughter in my voice and I want to tell him hes a nut but a good nut. I keep that to myself. Why? because I think I put my foot in my mouth about the women getting appliances as presents comment might have been taken badly.

It wasn't, but still. We talk while were both on our way to work and we laugh about this and that and its all good. I'm happy and for some reason. Really happy.

Over a microwave, sweets and popcorn.

306 - calling

Darling - OK Im bringing it up. This thing that were doing. When I start working with you.. What will happen between us and our situation?

D - That's up to you.

I wonder how its up to me because hes the one that told me that he doesn't mix his work life with his sex life. That he doesn't date co-workers.. and that's exactly what I will be in the hopefully early new year. A co-worker that is.

Darling - That's the thing though how can it be up to me when you're the one who said that you don't do that. I mean don't you think that would be weird?

D - Well that's what you said. That it would be weird.

Darling - Not for the same reasons as you're thinking. I just think it would be weird to all of a sudden stop. If I was already working there and we met there then it wouldn't happen. But since we met prior to me starting there. Don't you think it would be weird to just turn it off, cut it off cold turkey, that's it that's all you've had your fun move on to the next one?

D - I'm OK with it if we continue on.

This confuses me as now hes going back on what he said before? That or hes realizing what it is he'll be giving up? Or have I just not been paying attention and we've both been thinking the same of the other. That the other person wanted to end the arrangement after I start there. Deep down I think that's what this is. A matter of both of us not wanting it to end and thinking that the other person did.

Darling - OK, so... we'll just continue on and keep it going.

D- We'll continue on.

This isn't the end of that conversation. Ill have to ask him a few other things just because I'm too nosy to keep it to myself. Right now I cant really recall what else I wanted to bring up :) Silly me.

Before we had that conversation hes mentioned things like when I start working there Ill have a lot of men asking me out. It wont just be the guys I work with he says, it will also be clients. Ill have my pick of whoever I want. Upon hearing that I would make glib comments and change the topic to something similar.

I cant decide if its because he wants me to start looking for someone new. Or if he wants to see what my reaction will be and if I bite on the idea of having men thrown themselves at me. Highly unlikely for those of you who are wondering. For men to be throwing themselves at me that is.

Hes reacted on a few occasions when Ive mentioned people I have to go see or have dinners with. I mentioned going to Toronto to visit a friend of mine sometime and Ive mentioned meeting a friend who lives in Chicago and this guy and that guy. Never mentioning what kind of relationship it is. Just that they are friends. Most times I wont even say whether its a guy or not just a general friend. Could be female.

So his reactions have been interesting, like. Who are you going to visit this time? Or who is coming to visit you? There's been mention of dates Ive gone on with that hmmm knowing tone that someone uses when they don't really know. Cute really.

There's nothing wrong with his reactions. Its human to react. Maybe its a good thing that hes reacting otherwise the alternative would be no reaction and that he doesn't care? :) AHA!

D is working extra hours as hes trying to get his trip to be completely paid off. Hes planning on going to Florida in January sometime. No he hasn't asked me if I would like to go with him. Hes going with a couple of guys that he works with and I know that hell have his hands full. I'm not worried about the normal things. I'm just worried that I wont have my daily fix of D.

As much as I think about going with them I know Ill be in the midst of hopefully... training for the job. That or my life. It should be good.

Another thought I had was this trip to San Diego and how Ill be able to keep in touch with D. I feel like a geek thinking about that but I will miss talking to him. One of two things will happen. Distance makes the heart grow fonder or distance will make the heart go wander.

I'm hoping for fonder but we shall see. I might be able to count on one hand the days in which we didn't speak for the whole day. By no means were the days consecutive. My vacation is putting me in a spot where its making me think like a girl.

Must stop that. Ill still have a cell phone with me so I wont be completely cut off. You never know who will be calling.

304 - my mistake

I was talking to my sister yesterday and I mentioned one of my ex's, MDR. He lives in San Jose. We were together for a little over 3 years. I haven't talked to him in longer than that. He said it just hurt too much to continue anything.

Heading back to California made me think of him and I had a thought to call him up. Then I thought OK call and say what exactly? After 'hello' of course.

I wouldn't be uncomfortable. I'm just thinking that he might find it strange and there's nothing worse than knowing I make someone else uncomfortable. The exception of course is when its the sexual kind of discomfort that is followed up by good sexual tension which leads to well. you get the idea.

At the moment I'm not planning on getting in touch with him as I don't even know if I have the number around. Much less remember it I know the area code is 408... and I'm not even 100% sure of that.

I guess I'm just curious about a lot of things.

So a little bit of a panic to be thrown into todays post. I called the passport office to inquire about the status of my application. It was supposed to be mailed out for delivery on Dec 11th. I am hopeful that I will get the passport prior to leaving as it is essential that I have it otherwise I wont be able to fly due to the new rules to fly into and through the US.

It has yet to be printed as far as D knows. This is what they told him about his passport. He went a week ahead of me which doesn't bode well for me. His is already 5 days late in being sent out and I hope... that's all I can do is hope.

I know its my own fault that this is happening. I really wasn't planning a trip at this time and it only came about after I sent my application in. I know that it might all work out and I will just be worried about nothing... though it could be something huge as I wont be able to

A- Enjoy the take off and landing
B- Fly with my sister
C- See my Dad
D- Get away from the cold winter
E- Meet new people.
F- Just get away from 'my so called life'
G- Have a possible make out session at my layover in Chicago. With J
I - Have my imagination run away with total strangers at the airport
J- Leave it all behind
K- See my Dad
L- Be a part of the scenic view at the nude beach
M- get my money back for the flight
O- Do any type of shopping

There are more things that I will miss but I didn't want to think of the rest as that would just be helping me down the rabbit hole.

I'm debating now whether to even pack. I eventually will... just in case. There's no point in beating myself up now if I don't know what will happen so Ill just prepare. Either way I will make a trip to the airport Either I'm flying out or Ill be driving my sister so she can fly out.

Expect the worse hope for the best?

Cross your fingers!

299 - being insecure

I was looking forward to seeing D and doing things to D that are only described in books that have a covers of a half naked men who have wind blown hair and is standing on a shipwreck...

After working at J3 and coming home, tired with achy feet. I took a bath to relax. Walked The Big Dog and put on some music. I thought of taking a nap so I'm that much more energized but that didn't happen.

D calls during one of his breaks and we talk about this and that. I asked him teasingly what his plans were after work and he said home to bed. Seriously. I knew then he wasn't planning on coming over. We talked for a few more minutes but I was already bummed and just wanted to get off the phone.

He asked me if I was getting sleepy as I was being quiet. I said 'yes I was' and that I was going to go to bed soon. I really wasnt but knew that I should get some rest. Plus I was bummed. He had to pause at that as usually I stay up and have energy until hes done or close to him being done because we talk and text each other about everything and nothing which seems like everything.

He tells me if I'm still up later and feel like talking to call him. I say OK but don't really plan on it at all. I feel a bit angry, mad and sad at the same time. More than that I felt a little defeated and insecure. All because he wasn't coming over.. If there were other things I wasnt paying attention I was just focusing on the fact that he wasn't coming over when he said he was.

In bed. Trying to figure out why I was getting teary over this. I wasn't going to call him. No. I was thinking of turning my phone off for the night but I need my alarm so I leave it on.

I lay in bed wondering all sorts of things and

The texts and conversations of the night...

D - Friday lunch at your place if you want

I don't reply back to that.

D - Wow no reply

Darling - Just bummed. Don't worry about Fri at lunch. I know you've got things to do you're working also on Sat. No worries I'm good.

D - I'm disappointed :( :( :(

Darling - I don't see why, but don't be.

D - R U cutting me off?

I don't reply to that as I wasn't thinking of that at all. Which makes me wonder if hes thought of that. I guess I didn't try hard enough not to reply or answer calls. Its just not me to ignore someone that I like. Ive no problem if it was someone that I didnt want

D - Really no lunch on Friday?

D - Really no lunch on Friday?

Darling - Cutting you off?

I wanted to know if he thought I would cut him off? Maybe one day ...aybe.. but it wasnt that time.

D - Really no lunch on Friday?

Darling - Why do you want to do lunch on Friday

D - If you don't want to its OK

Darling Not that I don't want to. I just don't want to feel like you're throwing me a bone. I also know usually do things on Friday. U probably feel a bit bad about not telling me sooner that you're not coming over tonight...

Darling - I don't know why you though I was cutting you off

Darling I'm usually the one who is throwing myself at you and being turned down. Should I be asking you that question?? I need a hug

This is where he calls me...

D - Hi, how are you?

Darling - (after a pause) OK ( I don't sound OK but I'm trying. I'm just sad)

We talk about him thinking I was going to cut him off as he thought I was just brushing him off about meeting him on Friday. I told him it was interesting as that was the first time I said no and that's the conclusion that he came to.

After a while of me thinking that cannot be the only time Ive ever said no to sex. I got a bit down and felt like bawling and didnt say much but I think he could hear me sniffling a little bit.

D - Are you going to bed?

Darling - (after another even longer pause) yes

D - (pausing) well... OK... umm... good night...

Darling - (whispers) bye

Back to text messages....

D - I don't want you to be sad

Darling - I know you don't. Its OK Ill bounce back in a bit. I'm good like that. Just a bit confused about all these texts.

D - Really

Darling - Kinda U?

D - Ya not sure whats happening, confused

Darling - R U just saying that? At least its not just me

This is where he calls me again and we talk. I tell him I'm sorry for being a downer. I was looking forward to seeing him that night. He explained why he wasn't able to. Not that he didn't want to. He does, there are other things to think of like sleep and energy for the next day and other things. Fine that's OK. I wont tell him what staying up until past midnight does to me. Its my choice to do that and I shouldn't bring that up.

I tell him I don't want to be monopolizing his time or be annoying. He tells me that he really likes spending time with me and that I'm not at all annoying. I tell him that I feel a bit insecure, he tells me I shouldn't.

He tells me that he was worried that I wanted to end things with him and he didn't want that at all. I told him I wasn't thinking that and I was wondering if he was trying to do the same. No. We both weren't. Though...??

He apologized about not being able to come over that night. I told him I was bummed because I had things.. planned. He said he was sorry for not telling me sooner and that he wasn't sure about the plans to come over that night. Which is where I reminded him of his selective memory to which I repeated almost word for word the conversation we had about plans for that night. He felt bad about me feeling bad.

All too cutesy. Which made me smile and feel better.

I ended it with these texts...

Darling - I'm restless now and I cant sleep anymore.

Darling - Sorry if I offended you. I didn't mean to

This is where he calls me...

'Hi, I cant talk long. I just wanted to make a suggestion...'

Well I was all for his suggestion and had a darn good time going through with it. There are only a couple of things that can get rid of the restlessness...

This morning after he called me I sent him a text message letting him know that if its still on the table to meet for lunch, that I would meet him. I also made some sexy comment to go along with it and that made him cal me to let me know that we would be getting together for sure.

I also sent him another one after that call letting him know to be gentle as I'm shy. My way of tell him him that I still...

298 - open to suggestion

I didn't get to see V or BC before they left. Not a big deal really as I know they will return to Ottawa. V sooner and more often than BC. Which is fine. If I had to choose who to spend more time with it would be with V. Just because.

BC was nice enough it was just a little too... much. Too much of what? I think too much of something that I'm not 100% sure of.

Things that made me pause and tilt my head in thought.

I'm glad you want to hook up
Call me anytime after work/party. Anytime, really.
When you're at home and you feel aroused and are planning on playing with yourself. Call me.

Really. I'm pretty tolerant when it comes to a lot of things/people. He just gave me more to think of than most. Its not all good things, as well its just things that make me think of the kind of person he is/looking for.

So I had a conversation about what hooking up and meeting up with someone means. I'm not sure if I shared this with you but I recently in the year 2007 I found out the difference between hooking up and meeting up. Anyway. I don't think Ive ever asked anyone if they wanted to hook up. Its always been meet. Its not bad its just to me. It sounds very cold and impersonal. That's just me though.

Even if we were looking for the same type of things. There's a certain way to go about it. Up front, in your face and I want an answer now really doesn't do it for me. I guess in a way what I learned is that I do want some kind of chase/give and take/ flirting/uncertainty. Not interested in the wham - bam - thank you Darling.

I hope this doesn't put me under a shady spotlight but... thoughts go this way...
If its a sure thing. I wont go out and advertise it. I'm picky.
I enjoy sex and I'm sure I would enjoy it with most people. Some more than others :)
I do think of that often. Ive got some wires crossed I'm sure
My girlfriends have no idea how crossed they are
They know that I'm a bit on the more adventurous side
I share some but not all details. Some things are meant to be kept a secret :)

OK so I do want someone who enjoys the lead up to having sex.
Not just come on over and lets get it on.
Though everything has its moments and maybe not in those words
But not on your first, second or third meeting... or whenever you think...
Its really when I'm in the mood.

Though I am open to suggestions :)

297 - typos

I had my sister book our flight to San Diego yesterday. I got the confirmation forwarded to me and I didn't notice until noon today. My itinerary had a bit of a typo. Instead of reading Darling it read Dalring.

Tickets are non refundable and names on tickets cannot be changed. Ooops. I called Hotwire and explained the situation and Justin helped me out and said that they don't usually refund tickets. In my case since it was less than 24 hours since I made the purchase he would refund Dalrings ticket and charge me the exact same fare for the exact same flight/connections and so on and so forth.

I'm glad I caught that mistake in time and not at the airport at the time of travel. My sister got an earful from me but we laughed about it in the end. Mistakes happen. I know I do it often when I type out my name. The fingers fly over the keyboard like they have minds of their own.

Not to worry, Ive fixed it thankfully and I even changed my travel insurance as well to make sure that it was linked to the right ticket. You never know what you might need when you travel specially when you're flying on Christmas day.

My dad is funny. He just moved to a new house in San Diego within the past few months and hes been living on his own and told us he was scrambling to get furniture. :) A bachelor in his 50's! I told him not to go crazy for us. We'll be happy to camp out on the beaches.

Were excited. The only thing I'm worried about... is not getting my passport in time for travel. EEK! I sent my application in Tues Nov 27th and they are to mail it out on Dec 11th by registered mail and I should be getting it on the 14th. However with delays because of the rush of mail/packages being sent for the Holidays. I'm scared that it will get lost and forgotten behind someones seat... and I wont be asked to put mine in the upright position.

So I'm very excited. A week of no snow. A week of sand, sea and sunshine. No work... which reminds me to make sure to mention to that I ll be needing time off at J1, J2 and J3.

So that's that. I'm going on vacation. My next one will be somewhere where its all inclusive and Ill be all seductive...

296 - Give me more

BC wants to see me again before he leaves. That's nice. Ill have to try to rearrange my schedule as its pretty busy the next few days. I know hes leaving this Sunday morning so I'm thinking the only time Ill have will be for Saturday early afternoon.

Before the Christmas Party that J1 puts on every year. The memo came out saying.

To: All Employees

From: The Head Poncho (name withheld for obvious reasons)

This year the Christmas Party will be held at 'La Di Da' (Not an actual place) which is located at 'Do Si Do' -sic- (Also not an actual address) It is near this road and that road. Which reminds me to map quest it so I know where Ill be going.

It will be held Saturday December 1 2007 at 7:00pm.

As usual it is necessary to obtain as soon as possible, the number of people which will attend in order to cater appropriately.

Please submit your intentions including your spouse or friend to your respective department managers.

Dress code will be smart business casual, no tie, no jeans, or tshirts.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My intentions is not to make out with my date who is my sister no matter how many people ask me to and no matter how much people offer us. That will just not do.

My intentions are to be a more accountable person and to be more disciplined in various areas of life.

Are these the kinds of intentions they are looking for?

Or would be along the lines of I intend not to sneak out of work early or make fun of other people.

What happens if peoples intentions are not honorable?

So they want me to dress like I normally do for work. Dropping my sexy. I think not. I can guarantee that I wont wear a tie, wont don a pair of jeans or be sporting a tshirt. That just gives me a mental picture of me in a matching pair of bra and panties. Oh who am I kidding. I don't think Ill want to match at all.

I think Ill dress smart and sexy. Business has no place that evening. Unless duty calls...

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V has already left to catch his flight. He will be back in a week or two. I feel a little bad about not keeping in touch with him more while he was here. Ive been busy and I think he might have certain ideas of what might transpire the next time we are together. He has many ideas, I know, but he is first a gentleman and lets me set the pace.

He might not like the pace but I'm experimenting with paces. I get frustrated as well but its a learning process and I have a lot to learn. I am the grasshopper.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

B3 called me. I was a little busy and told him wed get together sometime next week. Possibly Thursday. He offered me his cell number which was the first time hes ever done that as I don't have any numbers to call him back when he leaves me messages. I didn't have a pen so I told him to give me a call another time and Id get it then.

I wonder if there's an expiry date on things like that. Like if its a one time offer only. We shall see. I'm not sure what we will do. Getting naked isn't an option yet so that will have to wait. Well, he will have to wait.

In a way I think I like not having his number. I know that for some people its a power thing. It is. I just don't let it affect me. I mean if he calls me then I'm in control because I don't have to agree to do anything with him and it shows that he wants to spend time with me. I can always say that I'm busy and he will have to call me back and he does.

Maybe he realizes what it is I have. The advantage. So now he wants to give me his number which I know I wont dial. Why, you ask? Just because. If he didn't want to give it to me when we first met which happens to have been over 6 months ago. I just don't know what changed in his life that is making him want to offer it up to me now.

Ill keep his number and I shouldn't say I wont dial his number. I might. Its not a plan at the moment but things happen for a reason and I don't know what the reason for this is. So I shall just life as it happens... happen. I'm not jumping up and down for joy, not like winning the lottery. Which I'm still waiting to win :)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

D and I had some fantastic sex for lunch. It was rushed, hurried and oh so intense. Its always a lot of fun when were both in the zone and were both there and were both just enjoying it all. The sights, the scents, the sounds, the everything. It was so good I had to change the sheets. The dynamics are changing between us. I'm not sure how things will proceed but its OK. I know that either way. Ill be OK.

I know that we both care about each other. We don't want anyone to get hurt. Though usually when you talk about that someone usually does :) No? Well maybe not always. Lets hope not.

Its the sex. Ill admit it keeps me wanting more. Have you ever heard of such an absurd reason. The sex is really good. I mean. Its spine tingling. The more I get, the more I want. That doesn't sound very smart but its the truth. I don't know if its healthy but the sex is great and having sex is healthy.

Then there's proximity. The more time we spend together the more time I want to spend with him. Take away that time spent together and the I miss it.

So my thing is now. Don't take things for granted and just make the best of the time that I am given.

Have a fantastic weekend and for those people venturing out for work related holiday festivities in the next few weeks. Remember.... Always Classy, Never Trashy.

285 - a little nervous

I'm a little nervous today. I'm not 100% sure why. Just one of those uneasy feelings in my tummy.

It could be and these are reasons that might be why.

I know D is having a 'discussion' with someone about something that's very important to him and I know that I had a hand in it. Not purposely but inadvertently.

I have my doctors appointment today. I hope everything checks out OK.

Ive told work about the appointment with my Doctor but I didn't mention all the other things I have to do afterwards. Ill mention that the time frame is unknown for how long Ill be gone so that might make me feel better.

Those are the major things I'm thinking could be contributing to my unease for the day.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Random thoughts that are going through my mind this morning.

Reminder that Ill be bartending tonight, Friday night and possibly one day this weekend.
Ill have to write up a list of things to do so I get them done and don't fall behind.

The Big Dog is looking a bit sad as Ive been busy lately and I know I miss her and shes probably thinking the same. Things will die down soon I think.

Halloween is one night where ladies get to play out fantasy roles by dressing up a little bit riskier. Its interesting to me what people choose to go as as I think it might be an indication of what kind of underlying silent wants they have in mind. Just a thought.

Bumping into people after get a great haircut and looking fabulous is such an adrenaline rush.

A friend of mine recently got a part time job working in a Wine Store where she gets to try a bottle of wine a week. This is going to be the start of a fantastic self taught wine course. Which I would like to follow up with an actual bona fide class.

The Wine and Food show at The Congress Center is not only a great place to learn about wine and interesting food. Its also a great place to meet people. Also known as A Meat Market.

Nov 3rd and 4th. Ive yet to decide which day I will attend and with whom. My sister is a likely choice though, we shall see how our schedules work.

Advice
Dress to impress ladies.
Steer clear of the Screech.
Also steer clear of the opposite sex... not all of them.. just those that are...
- slurring
- wavering... while standing.
- vomiting
- loud and obnoxious... impaired by alcohol or not, they should be avoided.

Ive been a little off with replies to any emails. I'm starting back up with them and there's a good sized chuck of guilt hanging on my shoulder. I believe that if someone takes the time to send me an email they deserve a reply. It meant that someone thought of me for a moment or few and I should return the same courtesy.

I think its because I feel a little bit boring and don't feel like I have anything exciting to share or talk about. Such is life. A big ball of perception.

One of the girls I work with is turning out to be someone that is really cool/fun. Maybe once I leave this company we'll be able to hang out every so often.

One of my male coworkers has just been hit with a meteor of a whammy. The girl hes been in love with for the past say 4 years just told him that she is pregnant. Hes come to me for advise. I told him I'm not qualified. I might confuse him even more. He still wanted to hear it so I gave it to him and now I find myself with a lost puppy. Looking to focus his attentions on someone else.

I hope the direction of his focus is not Yours Truly. On a few occasions there have been remarks to that effect to which I have ignored and failed to respond to. Hes in a fragile state and I don't know how delicate I need to be. Sometimes I'm not so delicate in my words even though I mean them to be.

Who knew!?!?!

I hope that getting my passport will bring forth a vacation of some sort. You know what they say. Thinking of it is the first step to making it happen. Ive thought. Ive done. Ive yet to get the tickets. :)

Oh and I guess Ill have to pay rent sometime soon. The good news and bad news? I could have been collecting air miles since Ive moved in and havent as Ive been using a different bank card to pay for rent. Silly me. Ill be taking advantage now that I know :)

Hope everyone had a Safe and Happy Halloween!

282 - closer and closer

I know Ive been lacking in my posts. I apologize. Ive got tons of posts started that just needs a bit more work. Not having the Internet at home really doesn't help.


On the work front. Things are going well at work. I find myself looking forward to leaving. Ive been with this company going on 5 years and its just time for a change. This new position I'm vying for is something that I'm not 100% sure of. But change is good and this will be a change.


I'm nervous about it but there's a training period and its a wait and see kind of situation. If I don't get the position then that's OK. Ill just be here until I find something else. Ive heard of people doing it the opposite way. Leave the current job first then find something after. I'm not that much of a risk taker so Ill do it this way.

On the family front. My aunts who I haven't seen for more than 15 years will be spending the Christmas holidays with us. I think this will be the first time in a very long time that all the sisters will be spending a holiday together. It will be nice but it will also be very strained as I'm sure being a family get together. Ill be subjected to spending time with someone I would rather not.


My sister is thinking of moving to San Diego. She'll be able to do her class work by correspondence which comes in handy. I'm not sure of the timeline that shes looking at. This depends on when her boy friend gets accepted to teach English in Japan. Its all a wait and see.


My dad is in Puerto Rico and will be there for a while. I sent him an email asking him if hes been following the news of the fires in San Diego. I asked him if his place was affected and Ive yet to hear back from him. I know hes busy so I'm not worried. I am worried about his place there and how things are if its in the area of the fires.


Its my dads Birthday this Friday. We've got a package to send him but seeing as hes in Puerto Rico. We'll be holding on to it until hes back home.


My brother is planning on getting the new Xbox 360. I asked him what his plans were for the one he will be replacing and Ive somewhat convinced him that its new home should be my apartment. I'm not a huge fan of video games. Though I do like fighting games like Street fighter. I don't play long or often, for when I do, my thumb muscles get tired quickly and sometimes cramp up.

The Big dog and I ran through an new area where there's lots of bushes and shrubbery for her to inspect. I think something bit her tail as there looks to be a bug bite of some sort which drives her bonkers. Bonkers as in running around chasing her tail. Makes me shake my head and smile at her silliness.


Speaking of dogs. My sister has asked me to take care of hers when she moves and I do and I don't. I feel bad as it is not being home for The Big dog and having another one will just double the guilt. We shall see. Maybe I could make a bid for her fish. Though I think shes planning on making them a package deal. Dogs and fish go together.


One of my girlfriends. The one in The Penalty Box seems to have redeemed herself somewhat. I have yet to remove her from TPB which seems to work because when shes not in it, things seem to fall to the wayside. I'm bringing dinner over tonight and shes making the pina coladas. She didn't make it right. Its mostly alcohol but that's how we like it. It really packs a punch.


I told her it wont be a late night tonight as Ive got the next stage schedule for tomorrow. I imagine Ill be in bed by 9:30-10pm tonight. Bright and early tomorrow at 8am is when Ive got to be on the ball. Ive warned her Ill just be having 2 drinks and nothing more.


Lunch with D today. Ive left it up to him today. He gets to decide what to do. I'm happy either way. That is if we go to a restaurant for lunch or if we go Chez Darling. Its pretty interesting, all this. How I teeter sometimes from one side to the other. I'm amused by it all and I'm aware theres a risk for something that I might not like but there's also the benefit for something pleasant. Who knows?


I'm not in the market for a relationship. D and I are both in agreement with that. We each have our own reasons for it. So its neat that were OK with how things are. I know I might, sort of, could complicate things by fairy taling it. Though I think in time it will just as things do. Fizzle.


I'm aware I do it though and bring myself back to reality. The only person I share it with is my sister and well... of course you.

So its well after lunch as you can tell and D and I had an interesting conversation. If I get this new job. D and I will be coworkers. Ive never fooled around or been with a coworker and neither has he and we both go by the no hanky panky with co workers. This puts me in a funny pair of slippers and I'm kind of sad.

Ill still want to be with him and I still want to get the job. Another case of wanting to have my cake and eat it too. He says we'll see. I'm OK with it if it has to come to that but I wont be ecstatic about it. I mean. Who would be?

Just another thing to think about which makes it interesting. I cant complain too much. I have my health, my home, friends and family and if worse comes to worse. Ill have BOB around more often than not.

Tomorrow is another big day in the me getting the new job dept. So keep me in mind and send me good, calm and focused thoughts :)

Closer and closer...

281 - Conundrum!!

The hydro in my building was shut off from 9-4 yesterday. So when D and I made our way to the elevators a sign was up saying it was out of order and apologies for inconveniences were up as well.

I didn't end up having the lunch I was expecting. Not too happy about it. The thought of walking up 12 flights of stairs for a quickie and then walking down those stairs again wasn't very sexy so we went out for lunch instead.

It was a lovely lunch, we talked and my mind wandered to other things we could be doing. Imagining us in other places where we would be able to do certain things...

I find myself somewhat shy again with D. I cant explain it its just one of those things that happens every so often. It may be due to me stepping back to see how things are. Maybe the other girl that hell be seeing in Venezuela. Or it may be... something or another. I just am. Its probably because I do like him. I don't know.

So this trip hasn't been booked yet and I really cant say anything though I do want to talk to him about it. I'm sure at some point I will bring it up. Maybe not the details of his trip but why it might be bothering me. Its OK. It is how it is. I will speak my mind. No matter the consequences.

Speaking of speaking my mind. I had to bite my tongue at work. I think my performance here is really good. I do my job and I do my job well. I was recently told that I wasn't allowed to take 10 minutes away from my desk without telling anyone where I am going. (I was away for less than 10 min) and I realize that I am back in grade school. I wanted to say something... actually a few things but I didn't. Its work.

I bit my tongue and have decided to buy a pack of cigarettes. Not for me to smoke... but to be able to go out and have a moment to myself. Ive decided to let the cigarette stick burn itself to the halfway point and then I will return to my desk.

I don't mind people who smoke but when there's no word to those people who smoke about the amount of time they are away from their desk and I do. That is not fair. So, I, with the rest of the smokers will have equal amounts of time to indulge in ... habits. Mine will just be coupled with cell phone usage. Don't worry Ill keep an eye out on the cigarette. I wouldn't want this place to burn down.

I guess the closer I am to getting this new position, this makes me a little bit more on the edge at work here. It is time and I hope that it all goes well and that I do have the opportunity to leave here. Ive been here for the past 5 years and Ive reached the glass ceiling.. a while ago.

I'm excited about the new job but I'm also nervous about not getting it. My thought process goes as follows

- I'm excited about leaving this place
- I'm nervous about not getting the new job
- Because that means Ill still be stuck here until I start the process of looking again..
- Change is good but scary sometimes. I like sure things and I'm not sure Ill get the job.
- That's just being cautious. I'm optimistic that Ill get it but just not sure.
- Doubt... blech!
- I'm kind of worried that I'm looking forward to it too much that it wont happen.
- I hope that that's just one of those silly thoughts that I get once in a while.
- Is giving 2 weeks really something I have to do? will 1 suffice?
- I know that if I leave they will find someone to replace me.
- That's OK. I do my job and I do it well. No one can do it better or as efficient :)
- Or so I like to tell myself.
- Its the truth though :)

About tonight. Ive already told my girlfriend I'm not meeting with her tonight. She had big plans for me to hang out with her at her boyfriends place again. I declined.

Meeting with N... I'm nervous as I'm having a fat day. We shall see how it goes.

D is getting off of work early and then meeting his friends for dinner at 7:30. Then might meet me for drinks.

Conundrum alert! Want to meet with N and hang out with D as well. What to do what to do. I'm surprised this doesn't happen more often. LOL Actually I lied. it does happen often but Ive been really good as managing my schedule. This one just jumped out of nowhere and I wasn't the one in charge of whens.

Will update.

280 - that girl

There's something wrong with me. I'm up and down today and it just hit 9am.

Had a conversation with D which I really enjoy. Thinking about it Id be tickled if he called me once and just recited the A-B-C's. I like his voice. Which incidentally is the exact same text message that I sent him yesterday. For which I was rewarded by a phone call. Ahh pleasure. It sends ripples through me that doesn't seem normal sometimes.

SO back to the topic of conversation. Hes planning a trip... that doesn't include me. Sadly. I'm a fan of taking trips and recommend it to anyone. What bothers me about this trip that hes planning, is that hes going to see a girl. In Venezuela. I'm not usually a jealous person. But damn does this ever tie my panties in a knot.

I cant say anything about it. Things that I cannot but Ive thought of saying.
'Please don't go there to see her' and I'm just a bit pathetic to continue on with the things Id like to say but never will. In some cases its a good idea to keep my mouth shut. I think this case is one of them. For a couple of reasons.

1 - I don't want to scare the guy
2 - I don't want him to think that I'm getting ... clingy.
3 - That there's more to this that I'm letting on.

Which now that I look at those means that

A - I clearly want him to be scared
B - That I am clingy
C - That there is more to it than I am letting on

What oh what to do. I didn't say anything. Throughout his monologue of how, when, where and costs and all that. I just listened and hmm'd and ooohhh'd at all the appropriate moments.

What is it about this girl that he talks about. She doesn't bother me. Its not her fault. Its not even his fault... but really does he not know that I like him and hearing him talk about this girl who sends him emails letting him know she cant wait to see him makes a little green monster come out? am I just wanting something that I'm not even sure I want. How insane is that?

I want it but at the same time I don't want it. Is it enough for me that I have what I do have with him? Yes. But what of more? Is it possible? or even reasonable. Have I put myself in a position where there is no forward movement left, no anything.

How is it that I get myself into these things? I feel like I'm in limbo. I set myself straight sometimes by reminding myself that some people come into my life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I have no control over these things. Or do I? Some I think. But In order for things to work out.. I guess the other person has to want similar things.

So I'm kind of bummed about this whole thing. For reasons and details that I haven't shared yet. I took a step back and thought that I'm just as bad or worse. Ive still got The Soup. I don't know if the little green monster rears its ugly head when I talk to him about it ... not in detail.. but general... PG rated information.

So the upside to this morning? I get an email from N...

'Hey sexy little lady... I'm coming to town on Wednesday ...do you want to get together? I'm busy working during the day but I'll be staying in the south end. Care to have a drink and more??? N'

So that's what Ill be doing on Wednesday night. Maybe. Its a reality check of sorts. That and routine maintenance. Though Ill be getting together with D in a couple of hours for routine maintenance as well.

I've been thinking too much about things that I may or may not be able to control. Trips to Venezuela, feelings of inadequacy, fidelity and just plain confusion.

Deep down I want him to care enough to tell me he cares. Sometimes actions speak louder than words. Ive mentioned it on 2 occasions that I got the bum deal (not in those words but along those lines) That I seem to not be included in certain parts of his life. He has a plan which I respect but that doesn't mean I want to be kept in the dark about whether I'm in the plan or not. Again if its something that I wont be happy with Id rather not know.

Which begs the question. Why do I want to be part of the plan. Is it because I want to be part of the plan or because the idea of being a part of someones life is appealing. Or is it that I don't have a plan of my own that makes someone with a plan attractive. Or is it that the plan is sound and I want in on it.

I don't want him to think that

1 I'm rushing anything
2 That I'm ready for uber serious

I have no idea

1 what he thinks sometimes
2 if he wants me in his life in any capacity in 6 weeks, months or years.

I guess its good this way as

1 it keeps things interesting
2 keeps me guessing.

Now I'm off for some personal maintenance.. car maintenance Ill be discussing with my mechanic shortly. That involves, tires, brakes and other things.

Have a fantastic Tuesday.

This post has been all over the map. I apologize and to summarize. I'm kind of jealous of this Chicky from Venezuela, who I'm sure is pretty and has a fantastic tan. I'm also a bit jealous of their relationship but I know that things out of my control are just that. Out of my control and I shouldn't let that bother me.

I feel a bit hypocritical as I have The Soup as far as I know he has this Chicky who lives in another country. Though there's a connection there which is strong enough to last :) Its probably nothing but I cant help feel like its a lost cause if I wanted something to happen between us...

I think I might just have to concede that I'm just not that girl...


Maybe

278 - lurking

I haven't been posting as much as Id like to. I'm concentrating on trying to get through the stages in order to get the job. Ive had to in less than a week talk to3 of my present and previous managers for a reference.

Its unclear whether I am only required to have a list of 3 references or if I need 3 written references. Deep down I think its just a list of 3 they need to be able to contact. However that is also easier than having to go get 3 written ones. Its not hard. Its just getting them all in a timely fashion. @ I have to run after. One was done the same day. The other wants me to write it out myself and has given me carte blanche to embellish if I should so please. I don't as I wouldn't feel comfortable. Honestly is best. Plus the honest truth is I was pretty damn great there and everywhere :)

Writing it out myself is a bit weird as I feel like I'm bragging but its not its just pointing out great qualities that I have. But it still feels like gloating. Ive asked D to draft a letter for me and Ill use that and have that previous employer sign it.

This weekend is Thanksgiving weekend and Monday is a Holiday. Tuesday is my interview and I feel its cutting it a bit close. But it could just be me. I'm kicking myself a little bit as I did have time the week before to get it all done. I was just unsure about getting to this stage. This just teaches me its better to err on the right side of caution.

Its interesting as I did think about it, about getting it done sooner. I'm not quite sure why I didn't. It may be because I don't want to get too ahead of myself. I also didn't want to seem ... full of myself. Now I feel like I'm a monkey on their backs about it.

"I know you're busy, I wanted to know how you were coming along with my reference letter and if I am able to pick it up today."

"Ill be seeing you this Thurs night and Sat night and I was wondering which night to expect it."

"I really appreciate this and I'm pleased that you feel comfortable enough to write a reference letter for me."

Ive decided (very recently... like just now) not to worry too much about it. It would be nice to have all 3 letters in hand when I walk into the interview. It will just give me that extra boost of confidence. However if I only have 1 (which I currently have) or 2 (which I might be able to pick up tonight) Ill be happy. Again all 3 would be great but '2 out of 3 ain't bad' as someone once said :)

There are a few things I need to do to prepare myself for this and Ill have some homework which D has helped me with. I feel like I'm still a bit clueless but he thinks Ill do fine. Just be relaxed and keep things simple. Ive made notes and I'm hopeful and excited about moving ahead.

Its exciting, the thought that I might be doing something different if things should work out. OK not if but WHEN things work out. That's better. Tuesday it is. If things go well with this panel interview then onto the next stage which I will definitely fret over like I usually do.

D had breakfast with Jason from the other night and another of his co workers. I get a call after breakfast and part of the conversation went like this.

D - Jason was pretty drunk that night, he and Pete drank a lot and Jason was pretty out of it.

Darling - It was a good time/

D - Its funny... Jason told me you guys made out that night. He said he asked for a kiss and that's how it started.

Darling - (laughs) If he calls that making out he needs to get back in the game... and if you see him next time, tell him I wasn't satisfied with it.

D - I just laughed when he told that story

Darling - Funny ha ha or funny interestinggg

D - I laughed

Darling - What a little trouble maker... I guess If that's what making out is I also made out with Pete.

The next day. I bring it up again. Why? Because I want to know if it bothered him or if hes OK with it. Should I bother going down this thought process? Would his reaction be an indication of how he sees me? us?

Earlier today. Lunch was a bowl full of sex. Messy sex. In my apartment, on my bed. Just how I like it. Messy enough to take a shower and rush to work with damp hair. Its been a while. It was also very good. Not enough but it was good. So good that while he was in the shower. I took the opportunity to continue to play with myself and make a bigger mess. No he didn't know what I was doing. But I was a bit turned on about him not knowing.

How do you tell someone you want more without insulting them if they cant do more? Or how do I find out if there is a possibility of more but there is something that's holding them back? Specially if its me? EEK!

Its nice what this is. But I think in order for me to continue to enjoy my life. Ill have to take a step back and go out and rub noses with those patiently waiting in The Soup. Its nice to be with someone that doesn't have the same complications as D does. I'm OK with them as I'm pretty laid back that way and peoples lives are so different that when its out of my control. There's nothing I can do about it and there's no reason for me to get all twisted over.

Ive got another long night ahead of me and D might want to go out. I'm not sure if he does or not yet as he was planning on giving me a choice. Lunch today or after hes done work. I don't think he'll want to go out after hes done work. I wont plan on it. But it wold be neat to be surprised.

I need to catch up on sleep and need to buy groceries for Thanksgiving which were celebrating Monday at lunch. We all have plans to have dinner elsewhere for dinner that night and the night before.

Happy Turkey and Have a great weekend. Ill post about how the interview went. Thanks for being in my corner :)

PS I know I haven't been checking blogs lately but I will return to that as soon as things start working itself out in the new job category. Ive been lurking when I can though :)

Darling a lurker.. makes me giggle :)