324 - in the air

They are on a hiring frenzie here at J1. The rest of the group is a bit put off by it, because not only are they hiring someone to replace me. They are looking to hire a second person as well. They have each individually spoken to management and brought up the topic of a raise and that was turned down.

Someone put it this way. 'They need to hire two people to replace you?' I just laughed at that and silently agreed.

Instead of keeping their current employees happy they will go ahead and hire someone newOK 2 new people now. Im not sure why that is as they will save more money by giving everyone a raise. Keep them happy and show them that they are valued as employees. When the department brings in, in one month 45 Gs more than the same month the year before. Theres room to share the wealth, just a tiny bit of it.

There are 2 other people in my dept who are looking for something different. They are seeing that there is no give from the company even when they are working hard and producing. I dont blame them. One day after theyve hired enough people and are trying to figure out why they cant hold on to their employees they might decide to make the position a little more attractive by making it more attractive.

So Im happy that I have found something new and different. Im nervous about it but thats normal. They are calling for 25+ cm of snow starting today. Im not looking forward to that. I think it will be a movie night in.

I see D once a week now that our schedules are insane again. I miss him a little but not enough to make me do anything rash. He calls me throughout the day and we talk for a while. Its nice. Im not asking to see more of him. I shouldnt have to. Its at a point where Im backing away little by little.

I went out with one of my girlfriends who works with someone that wants to meet me. I asked her if I knew him and she said no. I asked her how he knew about me and she has mentioned me a few times in their conversations. She wants to set us up. I told her to go for it.

I told her a few things regarding The Soup and how things are going there and she asked me if I had time to meet with J2. I said Id make time. Its never THAT busy. I can always make time to meet with someone for 30 min to see if theres anything there to pursue. No matter if they dont make it in The Soup for any reason. That doesnt mean were not meant to be friends.

I have missed 2 of J1s calls. Im undecided about J. Im thinking of how I can fit J into my schedule and how much maintenance it will be to keep him in The Soup. Here are my thoughts. He is mobile which works for me as he lives about a 45 minute drive from me and Im not familiar with his area and well... Im just not a fan of long commutes.

His only mode of communication is the telephone. Which I usally dont mind as thats usually the best way to get me. But I do enjoy the occaional email. What I dont like is that he only calls me between 4-5pm. If I should be busy and in the middle of something or tied up :) I dont have a number to reach him so I just leave it to him to get in touch with me and leave messages if he cant get me.

Which makes me think that he has either a girlfriend/wife that wouldnt appreciate a message left for him from yours truly. I know youre thinking that I should just ask for his number but Ill pass. That means that I have the ability to call him, which I wont. So theres no real point in having it.

We shall see.

I heard from A and hes working on something and will call me back to let me know. Hes another elusive one. Im glad nothing sexual has happened between us. (for now) As it seems it would be a vanishing act after the act. I hear from him every few weeks if that. So I wouldnt want to get physically involved with someone that I knew wasnt... reliable, consistent or detailed. But things could always turn around. Who knows!?

M3 is thinking of coming to Ottawa for a night if my plans for a vacation dont go through. Im undecided there as he has certain ideas and Im all for them but on my time. I tell him that it will happen just not when he wants it because I dont plan things all the time. When things are planned I feel out of place. IE. Planning to go out for dinner and drinks is ok. What happens during dinner and while were having drinks is unknown. Hes got ideas of going to a place and having this done and that done and then continue to do this and that.


That doesnt do it for me and really doesnt do him any good as it just turns me off and away from wanting to do things with him. I try to tell him that but when thats all hes thinking of and hes thinking that hes lucky that I havent slapped him in the face and walked away. I think he thinks I like it but I dont. Again Ive told him and he just wont listen.

What he doesnt understand is that we will get together and when we do we will.. do things. It just wont be how he thinks it will happen. Leave some spontenaity in it. I told him that expecting things to happen a certain way will only leave him disappointed.

If I happen not to go away for a week I think Ill visit a friend of mine in Toronto. Time away for relaxing. Things are all up in the air.

321 - not quite the end

Earlier today, I gave in my two weeks. My last day here T J1 is Feb 7th.
I was a bit nervous but once I started I felt better and better.
Honesty is the best policy.
Never burn bridges, you'll never know when you'll need them in the future.
I was told that I will be welcomed back if I decide that the new job isn't for me.
I feel a little less weighed down having given J1 notice.
I have one whole week before training where I wont be at J1
If I work it out right. I might go on a trip.
The trip to Florida w M3 might be postponed... indefinitely.
Taking a week off with nothing planned (for the moment) scares me
I might enjoy it too much and decide I never want to work.
Ill start looking for ways to maintain my lifestyle without actually working :)
Any ideas?
I know that wont ever happen but its easy to get lazy about these things.
I don't like being lazy for long periods of time.
D and I got together at my place this afternoon.
We celebrated.
It was long overdue and yes it was a lot of fun.

I'm tired and feel like taking a nap now.
I'm going out tonight with my brother, sister and her boyfriend.
I'm breaking the news about the new job.
More celebrations.

My next two weeks will be full of celebratory lunches and drinks.
Drinks after work and at the end most probably cake and a card from my coworkers.
I'm happy to be making this change.
I'm going to miss the people the most.
Now I feel like crying.

This chapter is almost over.

285 - a little nervous

I'm a little nervous today. I'm not 100% sure why. Just one of those uneasy feelings in my tummy.

It could be and these are reasons that might be why.

I know D is having a 'discussion' with someone about something that's very important to him and I know that I had a hand in it. Not purposely but inadvertently.

I have my doctors appointment today. I hope everything checks out OK.

Ive told work about the appointment with my Doctor but I didn't mention all the other things I have to do afterwards. Ill mention that the time frame is unknown for how long Ill be gone so that might make me feel better.

Those are the major things I'm thinking could be contributing to my unease for the day.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Random thoughts that are going through my mind this morning.

Reminder that Ill be bartending tonight, Friday night and possibly one day this weekend.
Ill have to write up a list of things to do so I get them done and don't fall behind.

The Big Dog is looking a bit sad as Ive been busy lately and I know I miss her and shes probably thinking the same. Things will die down soon I think.

Halloween is one night where ladies get to play out fantasy roles by dressing up a little bit riskier. Its interesting to me what people choose to go as as I think it might be an indication of what kind of underlying silent wants they have in mind. Just a thought.

Bumping into people after get a great haircut and looking fabulous is such an adrenaline rush.

A friend of mine recently got a part time job working in a Wine Store where she gets to try a bottle of wine a week. This is going to be the start of a fantastic self taught wine course. Which I would like to follow up with an actual bona fide class.

The Wine and Food show at The Congress Center is not only a great place to learn about wine and interesting food. Its also a great place to meet people. Also known as A Meat Market.

Nov 3rd and 4th. Ive yet to decide which day I will attend and with whom. My sister is a likely choice though, we shall see how our schedules work.

Advice
Dress to impress ladies.
Steer clear of the Screech.
Also steer clear of the opposite sex... not all of them.. just those that are...
- slurring
- wavering... while standing.
- vomiting
- loud and obnoxious... impaired by alcohol or not, they should be avoided.

Ive been a little off with replies to any emails. I'm starting back up with them and there's a good sized chuck of guilt hanging on my shoulder. I believe that if someone takes the time to send me an email they deserve a reply. It meant that someone thought of me for a moment or few and I should return the same courtesy.

I think its because I feel a little bit boring and don't feel like I have anything exciting to share or talk about. Such is life. A big ball of perception.

One of the girls I work with is turning out to be someone that is really cool/fun. Maybe once I leave this company we'll be able to hang out every so often.

One of my male coworkers has just been hit with a meteor of a whammy. The girl hes been in love with for the past say 4 years just told him that she is pregnant. Hes come to me for advise. I told him I'm not qualified. I might confuse him even more. He still wanted to hear it so I gave it to him and now I find myself with a lost puppy. Looking to focus his attentions on someone else.

I hope the direction of his focus is not Yours Truly. On a few occasions there have been remarks to that effect to which I have ignored and failed to respond to. Hes in a fragile state and I don't know how delicate I need to be. Sometimes I'm not so delicate in my words even though I mean them to be.

Who knew!?!?!

I hope that getting my passport will bring forth a vacation of some sort. You know what they say. Thinking of it is the first step to making it happen. Ive thought. Ive done. Ive yet to get the tickets. :)

Oh and I guess Ill have to pay rent sometime soon. The good news and bad news? I could have been collecting air miles since Ive moved in and havent as Ive been using a different bank card to pay for rent. Silly me. Ill be taking advantage now that I know :)

Hope everyone had a Safe and Happy Halloween!

275 - Another Day :)

Today is my Birthday.

I'm now 28. :) lol I dont notice how I get older.
I don't look any different.
Feel pretty fantastic
I slept well last night.
Had a great dinner with a friend.

Got a call from one of the other girls at work in a different dept.
I went in. She wasn't feeling well.
I was in the mood to go out to celebrate my last day being 27.
Somehow it didn't happen.
I was hit hard by the sleepies.

D and I talked for a bit. Not as long or as much as we usually do.
I took a shower, said my prayers.. well started them and went to sleep mid prayer.
Oops.

I woke up bright and early.
Took The Big Dog for a walk/jog then a run.
I wonder if she knows what today is.
Silly thought.

Random thoughts in my head.
Write email to Dad letting him know that I love him.
thanking him for the things I grew up with,
letting him know that I didn't want for anything,
that I hope hes happy with me and how Ive lived my life so far.

Things have been planned for the day already.
I wonder if people would be upset if I just wanted to hang out at my place and relax.
I hope people at work don't make a big deal out of today.
I hate being put on the spot.
I would rather have someone play with a certain spot.

I think I should have called in sick.
Too late, people have seen me and that just wouldn't be good.

Things to do.

Pay cell phone bill.
Call bank and ask why they are holding my last deposit.
Pick up some veggies at the groceries.
Book appointment at the spa for some pampering.
Check in on Gramma
Check and reply to emails, text and phone messages
Ride the roller coaster that is my thoughts.

I want to meet D for sex this afternoon. I also want to meet him for lunch. I'm leaning towards lunch... although it would be a great thing to have both. Not only because Its my the big 2-8 but because its Tuesday. Tomorrow would be Wednesday and that's a great way to celebrate!

Ive gotten a call from A and he was all sweet about singing to me. Hes had to go to the Doctors a few times and I know there are things hes not telling me. Which is OK. I don't mind. I'm still a little concerned. Its not my place to pry so if he wants to share more then he will. Ill just be around if he needs me.

So heres to another year. Ive yet to come up with things I want to do while Im 28. There are still some that have yet to be crossed off the list from last year so Ill still work on those.

The journey continues and I hope that its always interesting and exciting.

Have a fantastic day!!

268 - yesterday, today and tomorrow

Yesterday

Dropped my cell phone and it didn't want to turn on again for the rest of the day. Got a great deal for a new phone and I took it. I still have hope for my old phone.

Didn't get a call from friend who is in TPB. Was suppose to go out. Instead I stayed home, indulged in some fantastic movies of the adult kind. And by movies I mean about 45 minutes of one... during which I myself put on a fantastic epic performance of my own. To which promptly led me to a nap. Which brought on some kinky dreams of yours truly and some faceless men and quite possibly a woman on the sidelines though I woke up before ... so I have naught to report on that end ;)

Today

After a fantastic run and shower in the morning and being surprisingly awake seeing as I went to bed after midnight. Got to work and learned about a bonus coming to my bank account :) Was supposed to meet with D and that didn't happen.. again. No its not on purpose and no I don't mind THAT much. These things happen. I tell you I'm the best girl/friend to have. So understanding not to mention accommodating. Did some banking, celebrate another moment of triumph for being able to lower my cell phone bill AND get on a better plan than I currently have. Got free services extended for another couple of weeks and gave myself a pat on the back for doing all that with a female customer service rep.

Old phone turned on after trying it.. amazingly. Silly me turned it off and its in a deep sleep again. I'm not worried I still have my new phone :)

5 minutes ago.

Sent D a text message because I was full of happy thoughts and am in a fantastic mood. Just spent about 30 minutes on the phone w D and cant tell you details about what we talked about but it was just as good as a nap :) Refreshing and a definite energy boost.

Darling - :) I like u
D - Ah that was sweet

Which was promptly followed up by a phone call from D letting me know that he will call me later on as his phone is dying. As I'm smiling away and relishing the fact that I like just getting things out there sometimes and not worrying about the aftereffects/consequences of my statements or actions, I am thinking of cuddling with him

I'm stumbling. I know. Ill be OK. I have my eyes wide open and can see whats happening. I just hope Ive got some protective gear that are invisible to the eye. If not then I hope for a soft landing.

Later Today.

Dinner with AR, hopefully something naughty and titillating afterwards. THEN possibly seeing D for a few drinks. Yes same night. Yes D knows about AR. Have I not mentioned that I was honest about these things. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea or to imagine that I am leading someone on. Honesty and the best policy... unless...

Tomorrow.

Be happy its Friday though my days always have some form of work involved so Its not much of a weekend though I appreciate the decreased amount of work that I have for the following 2 days. There will be some daily flirting with the opposite sex and other items that fall under the category of life.

262 - underneath the surface

Another long weekend coming up. I feel like booking off work at the last minute or well.. really giving them as much notice as possible so that I can just go somewhere. Even if its an hour away somewhere. LOL Pitch a tent and sleep. Hopefully without any wildlife wanting to be tamed by yours truly. What? Stranger things have happened.

I'm not working at all on Monday. At any of my jobs so that's good. I don't quite know what to do with myself. I think ill go get my car checked out however I know they are closed for the long weekend as well so that's out of the question.

Maybe I should take a drive down with my sister to go cross border shopping. Oh wait I will need some serious spending money and I'm on a save money stint at the moment. That idea just wont do specially if I have to take my car which is in need of some work to go.

This is life telling me that I need to do something. I might spend the weekend doing some self evaluation and some cleansing/cleaning and organizing of my mind , body and soul.

I need to reconnect to... something that I'm not entirely sure of but something needs to be done. I feel a little disconnected. To what I'm not so sure. I cant explain it. It feels a little scary not knowing exactly how I feel. What is happening and what will happen. Something in the pit of my stomach is prepared for something not so nice.

I wrote a post about feeling something really intense and just wanting to have sex. Which would be the one thing that would fix, satisfy and ease whatever it was that was bothering me at that time. Its not quite that intense now but there's something just underneath the surface of calm that lies waiting.

The friend who is currently in The Penalty box called me and apologized for not calling the day before. I said it was OK and she mentioned going to a place called Heaven. Shes been a bit down as she recently took a pay cut. A big pay cut and now is struggling to make ends meet.

I feel a bit bad for my reaction but not really. I would hope that she knows that she can talk to me about things. Oh well. I know she knows that and when shes ready she knows where she can find me.

Oh and T called me! I havent heard from him in so long and I was so very excited to hear his voice. Hes got that melt my panties voice thats very very arousing. WE talked for about 30 minutes and we caught up on what was happening though I talked more so I hope he calls again soon so I can hear what hes been up to.


So lets hope that this weekend finds me well. Have a super duper fun filled weekend! :)

It will be a new month when I post again. I see changes in my future. Send out good thoughts for my plans for the future! :)

241 - additions

I'm thinking in my head that this is something that needs to be dealt with. Its something that I cant have looming up at me in the middle of the day. I blame D. No, I cant, its not all his fault. He was just the trigger. He started this all with an orgasm. Now I want more.

Hes not able to. Give me more that is. So I'm left to my own devices... and quite frankly I don't want to be left with my devices. Time to bring in The Soup. This is why The Soup exists :)

I had to go run a couple of errands and then had planned on meeting with J. Who called to reschedule. ARGGHH!! That's OK. Hes working on opening up his pool and wanted to get it all done in one day. I was invited to use it anytime. I wonder if he decided to open his pool because he heard about my bikini that I wanted to use and have yet to. That couldn't be it.

I put myself under house arrest when I got home. Kind of climbed the walls for a little while. meditated but all I had in my mind were images of me in various positions with blissful expressions on my face. Meditation didn't help. So I put on some music and danced. Soon I noticed that stripper like songs were coming on and that just reminded me of nakedness.

I indulged in some moves that didn't involve a pole and laughed at myself. Still it was a good time. Maybe one day ill have that pole.

I played tug of war with The Big Dog. I win. I always win. Cant have her win otherwise she gloats :) I spent some time with The Little One. Shes not doing so well anymore. For a while she was doing very well. The eye drops and ear ointment seem to have helped a lot. But other things are coming up and shes not looking as happy.

The quality of life has gone down and its time. Really. I'm glad to have has this extra time with her. Its been great. My brother has been spending more time with her as well and has also noticed the decline.

I though to myself if I was in her position what would I want. To go.

Playing with the Little One took me out off of the train to orgasm and made me spend more time with them. Good times. Took some pictures. Told them secrets no one else knows. I know they wont tell anyone. I talked about this and that which helped get it off my chest and mind.

I tired them out and they both went to their beds which are side by side. I went to my room and slept.

Didn't want to get up this morning. Having a lazy day. Nap time for sure later on and then Casino night with a girlfriend and her dad. Should make for an interesting night.

D couldn't meet for lunch today. His dad is coming by to discuss a few things and plan some other things with him. Bummer. Maybe tonight after the casino? We shall see.

I sent K a text while I was in bed last and he called me back immediately. Caught up on things and made plans to meet this Friday night. Hes coming over with dinner. August is coming up fast so I think ill take advantage, I don't think he will mind. I'm also going to pick his male brain apart. He thinks its cute when I do and likes the way I think out loud when were together. Says it gives him an insight to me.

B is in TO until next week. I talked to him for a while too last night and we had a good conversation. We'll get together sometime when he returns. Maybe catch a movie. B called about an hour or so ago thinking I wouldn't answer. He was surprised to hear me answer and I think I flustered him a little bit. He wanted to find out how I slept last night and was planning on leaving me a message. Seeing as he was the last person I talked to. He called and interrupted my sleep which I told him he would pay dearly for. So he sang me a lullaby... well.. he started... didn't finish but he did lull me back to sleep. Bidding me sweet dreams. Nice voice.

So his call today was to let me know hes on his way to Alberta, has a meeting there and will be back in TO tonight. How man will travel. I told him I wasn't happy that I wasn't invited on the trip. Maybe next time he says. We shall see wont we. So when hes back in Ottawa he'll call me again. Looking forward to it B.

B1 is new. Not to be mistaken for B(above) He is interesting. They both are. But B1 is interesting with a twist. Wont go into details yet about him just yet. Ill let things settle first. Hes calling me tonight sometime to discuss when we can go for a drink. I think hes trying to be a 'good boy' and not upset me. It will be interesting with him.

I just called D and told him I was hit by the hornies. He growled something sexy in my ear which didn't help in the pooling dept. Oh how sweet it would have been to meet for a quickie. He thinks I'm constantly on the go. Both socially and sexually. He likes it but I get the feeling he doesn't like it at the same time. Oh well. Ill continue to do what I do.

We had a conversation about Las Vegas and how he wanted to go... I told him I wanted to go too... yes Ill admit I wanted him to ask me to go with him. (blush) He didn't. So I said that's OK Ill go with a friend who I have been meaning to go with for the longest time :) The time is coming. I hope. Should be fun.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas... well... of course Ill blog about it. Don't you worry. Sharing is caring, right?!?

He mentioned going to a place where it might be better if I went with a boyfriend... and I said 'well seeing as I don't have one of those at the moment. I think Ill have to make it on my own' again.. I was fishing. Don't ask me what I was thinking. I was fishing and kind of wanted to find out what we are. Which I already know but I want to make sure by hearing it from him and all this just left me in the exact same place as I was before.

Right here :)

193 - clarity

Moments of clarity, comes when you accept things as they are. Things seem a bit brighter. The trees seems to wave as you walk by. The wind urging you along down a path of the unknown. All with the comfort of knowing that no matter what is happening in the world, in other peoples lives. On the other end of the planet. Things are happening that I have no control over.

War will continue to dig its nails into people who have nothing else to do. Fruits will continue to grow and ripen. Companies will continue their race to be number one. People will continue with their days. As will I.

No matter how much Id like to change things for the better. Sometimes all I can do it just let things happen on their own. No matter how things may fall.

I am not the keeper of all that is good as I'm not all good. I just want good things for people. I want you to be able to take that trip. I want you to be able to wear those boots you've always wanted. I want you to find that person who will knock you on your ass and have you smiling through it all. I want to take away the worries of what may come if you were to stop taking them cold turkey. I want to see you live your life without having to worry about those other people. I want to see you share your passion with the world. I want you to be seen and heard by millions of people, you're that good. Believe it!

Moments of clarity comes when I accept things as they are. I cant make things happen for you like I want for you. I'm sorry. Id like to, but I can only help so much. If you would let me. I would help in any way that I can. I tried snapping my fingers and that seems all out of juice. I tried crossing my arms with a nod and a blink, that seems to be out of service. I tried to wave this wand and all it gave me was whiplash.

I cant do it for you. I can only help guide. I cant make it for you I can only stand watch. If you want it, need it or even care for it. A supply of never ending support.

Pay no attention. Keep on going. Just as you are. Just let me be a part of it even in a small way. You'll never know how it will affect me, to see you go through with it and find out your own moments of clarity. To succeed, The times that you smile. The times that you laugh, the times when you open your arms wide and breathe in a deep breath of life. I fall a little more. I want a little more and its a want for great things for you. If I cant have you, then I want to be a part of the greatness. You'll never know what it does for me, how it affects me and how it propels me to want to do more for you and other people who need someone.

The world will keep on going. Even with both feet pressing hard on the brake pedal with a desire to stop, slow down. It will continue.

Moments of clarity comes when I accept things as they are. Try to not be blindsided with things that are not there. Try to ignore the whispers of temptations. Try to steer clear from fleeting moments that will cause much confusion.

Steps become lighter with each moment of clarity. Shoulders becomes less tense as expectations are removed. Breathing is steady as I accept that clarity is in the moment.

185 - smiling

K came over. We spoke on the phone prior to his arrival and he mentioned that he was nervous as there was a strong attraction and he felt threatened. I told him if he wanted to feel threatened Id walk around in a hoody with a fake knife making slashing noises (eee eee eee), jump out of closets and the like. He laughed. He also mentioned that there was the level of intimacy we've established and that he was a bit cautious about it.

I told him it would be different and possibly share a bottle of wine and talk freely like we have been, laughed little bit and learn something. No pressure. I told him that as much as I was anticipating getting together. I wasn't going to assume that anything will happen as just the opposite may.

He knocks on my door and I think both of us were pleasantly surprised. Sometimes you just dont know what to expect on the other side of the door.

After a while of wine and great topics of conversation, he leans over and kisses me. A nice introductory kiss. Not too much force and with a tease of his tongue. We both smile and continue the conversation. I ask him if he would like a tour of my apartment and I give him the 25 cent tour which ends in my bedroom. He sits on my bed and comments on its firmness and how he prefers that to ones where you sink in too much.

I sit on the corner a little unsure of myself for a moment but not of what might happen in the next little while. He leans in again and kisses me. Takes my glass and places them both on the side table. We kiss and caress until he presses me against the bed.

Hours later, after windows are opened to cool us both down, wine glasses empty. He sits up and rubs my back in a rhythmic motion that almost puts me to sleep. He leans down and kisses my forehead, I smile and he gets up and dresses himself. When hes almost finished I get up and pull the dress back over my head.

He kisses my cheek and then my lips softly and leaves for home.

Now the strange part of any night I am with anyone is the part when they turn and walk out my door. I'm conflicted with thoughts of what they are thinking. Whether its good bad, full or sorrow or joy that they are leaving. I know, thoughts that aren't and shouldn't be connected after something orgasmic occurs.

I'm strange sometimes, and cant control where thoughts go. No matter they are thoughts and I entertain them for a few moments and then remind myself that I need sleep as it is late and after brushing my teeth and washing my face. I crawl into bed and snuggle into the bed under the warm duvet and fall asleep knowing that I have a smile on my face.

175 - shedding

I feel like I've been neglecting some people that I know. Just not being in contact I guess. Either by phone, email or a visit.

I think that its OK as we are all busy, but in the back of my mind I feel a little guilty as I know it would take a few moments of my day to send them an email, dial their number or drop by for a glass of wine or some milk and cookies.

Do I know that many people? I probably make it sound worse than it is. But enough is happening around me to make it seem worse than I usually am at keeping in touch. So if anyone one that I know ever reads this, friend, family or foe (which there are none.. OK there might be one.. sadly) I hope you know that I do think of you and that I will get my act together and find my way to you somehow.

Things have died down a bit from alphabet soup by that I mean K, T, D, T2-which I have yet to intro, JB and so on.... I wont start talking about it right now as it may seem like.....

1 I am actually looking forward to it (anything... happening)
2 I am tooting anything about me. (I'm a plain Jezebel I mean Jane)
3 I care ... In my own twisted way I do...

The above are partly true... partly. Partly. PARTLY! Just my way of dropping slivers of me. Yes I find myself scared of certain things... recall holding hands? That scared me a bit, but not when it comes to shedding clothes.

I guess shedding clothes I can do, shedding barriers and revealing myself. Not so much.

Anyway so, nothing is happening but then it might be low tide at this point. Which is fine because I am due for some ME time. That doesn't happen when there are people hanging around, unless of course they are the professional masseurs that make my muscles melt in a different way. you)

So some much needed time with my myself surrounded by mellow then dance music, surrounded by candles, bubbles and a fruity cocktail in hand. Some fun and relaxation.

This is to tide me over... so a mini vacation away is in the works... then on a much bigger scale to an actual vacation. I'm not sure when it will all take place. Its a wait and see situation.

160 -open

I think I'm losing it. Just for the moment though. I don't think it will last long. I do know that this wont be the last time that I feel this way. Meaning Ill have another segregated moment of feeling like this. A moment where I'm hit with this greatness.

I was writing an email and I'm hit with intense feeling of something I cant describe. Maybe If I tried I could. Maybe if I wanted to try to explain it I could. I wont as its too intense to think of and ill just tear up again. Good tears. Cleansing ones. Felt like cleansing ones anyway. Almost one big sigh of rightness.

It felt good so I have a thank you to send out to this person. Though I'm sure I should probably keep my insane thoughts and neurosis to myself on this one. The thing is, I didn't. Not that I don't care about what other people think of me. I do. Really, sometimes too a point that is silly. Oh, don't tell me I'm the only one. I know I'm not :) But on certain things when it comes to matters of importance. I like to think that I'm pretty open and able to share.

I also know that I'm pretty fragile sometimes and always hope for the best and realize that what I have done can always turn around and slap me in the face. Not all things work out which I also know. I'm not thaaaat naive.

'Expect the worse... hope for the best.' Some people might like that saying or like to think that way. I can see how it can seem a bit negative, it isn't, plus its always good to be on your toes.It works for me. Kind of always makes me aware of possible things that might happen. The good and the bad. The ugly can stay where they are :)

So anyway. Sometimes Ill gather enough courage to do something that I wouldn't ordinarily do. Like actually go up to someone and give them my phone number (I should probably think of asking for their number.. that would be a first lol) or send an email. So I bring those two up because last night I didn't give my number to someone. I wasn't sure if they would have used it or not. But now I know he will never use it. I made it happen by my lack of courage. Darn! Nothing ventured nothing gained :)

The email I sent. That was more of a sharing than anything, I shared what I was thinking and thought why not send it. It was going to go into the folder that contains random things, letters, lists and the like so I decided to just let it out and share it.

I decided to just send it. LOL with some apprehension and some dread on how things would be taken. I just decided to send it just to send it and share the things on my mind. Why not? The only person it would hurt if anything would be me. If that. So .. minimal losses, though I don't think that will happen (crosses fingers lol) I know that some people aren't comfortable with other peoples thoughts, mindsets and feelings. I just hope that its not misinterpreted.

I'm just that open to tell someone that I really like them but not as a forever thing. Maybe... maybe it is... as a forever thing.. like I want you in my life forever, in any way that you are comfortable being in my life. Like as a friend/lover/confidante.. anything. Just as a general I like you as a person and think you are wonderful. I'm glad to have been included in your life/mind/ party/ wedding. blah blah blah. I don't know if people would generally take it that way. I hope its not taken in a way that would remove them from mt life. I hope they don't read anything more into it that it was meant to, more of a sharing and a way to just express myself as I am just that open.

So as you've noticed on some posts here I am open, I do talk about things that are happening. There are more things that I don't talk about but that's for another time, when the time is right. But I share and I feel there's no reason to hold anything back. Things will happen as they do and if there is something that I say to someone that isn't taken well. Its not out of malice, its out of 100% genuine Darling :)

Anyhoo, its just a matter of life going on and doing different things. Doing things outside the box. doing things outside my comfort zone for what else will make me learn and grow.

We are all on our own personal journey. I just happen to be more open about mine sometimes.

157 - antisocial??

Sometimes I feel very antisocial. It doesn't happen often or for long periods of time (I think/hope)

Say on a Monday afternoon after anything that possibly might turn out badly does go wrong such as a run in my stocking, a heel caught on the track at the front door, losing one of my silver rings, not being able to find my lip gloss, forgetting my water bottle, STILL looking at the reminder to get an oil change... at the end of that working day I don't feel much like socializing with someone who just wants to be seen with me. I know this is true as hes always looking around for people who might see him with me. I see the winks that traded back and forth between his 'buddies' I see the 'OK' sign hes giving his buddies that hes got me hot for him as I am supposedly pulled by his personality.

Um no.

I'm polite and spend the few minutes of idle chit chat with him, thinking loudly in my mind, hopefully loud enough that he gets blasted with it. (wishful thinking) What runs through my mind you wonder?

Let me share.

'I need to be somewhere 5 minutes ago, why doesn't he talk to me another time? Cant he tell I'm in a rush? Does he not notice how I'm weighed down by all the things that I am carrying? Maybe if I smile and nod he'll get to the point faster. Answer his questions with one word or a hmm. Do not do anything to encourage more conversation. Oh Darling, dont be a bitch. The world will not end.'

In the meantime, I pull my keys out of my pocket, jingling them around enough and actually drop them on purpose to show how I am not paying attention (You might think I am being rude, after having a day like I did I think I handled it pretty well, no ones head was found rolling around) I'm really just not encouraging any conversation not for the lack of trying but I really didn't know anyone who worked where he did which happens to be back in 1986 as at the time I was 7 years old and was happily running around being a child.

In the middle of a sentence I am saved. My cell phone rings. I don't care who it is. I make apologizing gestures and whisper that Ill see him around. Wave my fingers that aren't used to hold the cell phone and whisper 'toodles'. I turn and walk away. Flip open my cell phone and start to speak 'Hello Darling speaking... yes Ill be there, I apologize... I am on my way... No more than 5 minutes... I'm terribly sorry...' I hate being late.

I look back on that day and feel antisocial. It wasn't all a bad day. I just failed to mention the good things that happened. Like lunch that someone made for me. They came in and said they were in the area and wanted to spend some time with me and knew I was busy... So we commandeered the conference room. Love thoughtful surprises. Must think of a new way to say thank you.

I did have another pair of stockings in my car which didn't run. I was able to go home and relax in one of my most favorite ways (blush) Not until the wee hours of the night of course after things were crossed of my lists and obligations met.

Though I tend to kick myself for feeling antisocial. I don't want to be a hermit. People of the world. I invite you to socialize with me :) and each other of course.

152 - glasses

Why does no one see. Am I that good of an actress that no one sees me? The real me. The one thats calling for help. Help to get me out of this whatever you want to call it. Hell.

I dont ask for help. Ive never done it before. OK, maybe I have but its rare. Ive been able to take care of myself. Its strange this time as I dont know what this is. Where its coming from. Why its happening.

Maybe they are in the same hell I am in. Thats why they dont see, because they are in the same place. Feel the same thing. Lost, helpless and I hate to say it alone. Fleeting as the moment is sometimes, its hell to get rid of.

I wonder who will notice. Who will care, who will help. I smile and wave and my body moves normally. One foot in front of the other, a slight curve of my lip in a smile. My eyes plead with someone to save me. I turn away every so often to brush a stray tear that seems to have pooled in my eye.

Theres less and less eye contact I find. Some people wont look you in the eye when they talk to other people. It is too personal? Too direct or is it that they cant just focus? Maybe its always been like this, why havent I noticed before.

Maybe thats why they dont know, they havent seen my eyes.

I have to get new sunglasses. I think these are crooked...

PS, Im working things out of my system. Still feeling the crunch of it, but soon ill be right as rain. This too shall pass...

151 - not normal

I'm so mad and I want to have sex. I'm so mad. I want to have sex.

Whats wrong with me?

I want to get rid of the anger using sex as the outlet. I want someone that wants to have sex until I have it all worked out of me. I want to get naked. I want to get hot and sweaty.

I dont care right now that it doesnt make sense. I dont care that its not the right,

I want it hard and I want it fast and I want it all over again. I don't want passion or sweetness, I just want to overwhelm whats causing this unease. Until I don't feel like screaming anymore. Until I feel so tired that I cant think. I want to do it until my mind goes blank. Dead inside is the final goal for this whole exercise, that's what it feels like I need. Not to feel this... to replace it with something else. No... going to the gym wont do it, wont help it. This is something entirely different and under the mandatory audience participation category.

I need to do something to take away the feeling I have. I don't want to feel this way anymore. Its not a nice feeling and I want it to go away.

A hug wont do it. A cuddle wont do it. A kind word or compliment wont do it. I need something more. I need something to kill this thing inside me. I want something bigger than what I am feeling. Sex does it for me. I think, Ill question this later and psychoanalyze myself at some point.

Where did it come from. Out of the blue. Unaware. I want to cry. I am now. That will calm me down for the moment. It wont fix it. Calm it, that's it. It will come raging out of control later. Ill have to make sure I do something about it

Damn, I dont want to be out in public, someone throw me in a dark room along without any men in sight. I cant guarrantee their virtue will be safe...

Whats wrong with me.

I'm sure I'm screwed up in a way that needs me to be sitting on someones couch, paying them something silly to try and figure out how I got to be the way that I am.

Maybe.

So much for being normal.

I feel...

I feel hot after of a shot of tequila.
I feel hot laying nude under the sun on a summers day.
I feel hot when I am passionate with a partner.

I feel...

I feel cold in the shadows of tall buildings.
I feel cold when the weather is -30 with the windchill.
I feel cold when I am trying to distance myself mentally from people.
I feel cold when I step out of a sauna.

I feel...

I feel awkward when I am in church.
I feel awkward dealing with death and sickness.
I feel awkward not giving money to all those that are homeless.
I feel awkward when I somehow bump into people I am trying to avoid.
I feel awkward saying something that might hurt someone.
I feel awkward when I am not dressed appropriately.
I feel awkward when I should say something and dont.

forty - scared

I was scared to swim in a lake.
I was scared to sign up for a gym membership.
I was scared of being in the dark after watching a scary movie.
I was scared of being turned down for a job interview.
I was scared of sending someone an email.

I wasnt scared to meet a stranger for coffee.
I wasnt scared of possibly having sex with someone after 15 min.
I wasnt scared of dropping 400$ at the casino.
I wasnt scared that I as running around in a rain storm w/ lightning.
I wasnt scared of the big needle they used when I donated blood.

I shared the above with you to figure out what makes me do things and not another. I find that some things I am willing to do so outrageous. The ones that I am not willing to do so lame. I look back on some things and call my self a wuss or a goddess. Do YOU understand why you do some things and not others??

Is it the fear factor? After weighing out the pros and cons, the cons just overshadow anything else, no matter how ludicrous they sound. The cons themselves may all be preconceived notions and ideas. Not actually carrying any weight but since they hold weight in the 'what if' area. It 'seems' worthy to be on the con list.

The risk factor? First is it the risk of what we are about to do or the risk of what will happen after? What scares me more. Doing it? or the results? What type of risk is it? something mental? physical? emotional or spiritual?

I am not close to figuring out this issue. I just have small victories and large losses some moments of WOW and some huh? I am Learning through it all. Helping out where I can and eager to go through more to get some answers. There is so much to talk about on this that I do not know where to go with it anymore *blush*

In the end I think it is our own selves who give fear power. Plant a seed of doubt and we feed those negative thoughts with ideas, taking away the confidence we would otherwise have. Leaving us frozen to take any other course but to pass on the opportunity.

Moments of insanity, clarity or is it moments of insecurity. I think it comes down to moments. Depending on a number of factors that I wont even go into. In that very moment when we have to decide, based on confidence and feelings etc. The truth is revealed. Not a solid unwavering truth, but truth for the moment.

Another moment, at another time, at another place will arrive where a choice has to be made based upon the factors that have brought you to there.

Plant a seed of courage instead of doubt and watch how outlooks and decisions change.

If it does come up similar but not exact circumstances. Is that a sign that you made the wrong one the first time around? *eeek*