405 - Looking back

So early this morning I bumped into my first ever boyfriend. I use that term loosely here as I would never have called him that at the time we were 'together'. It feels like it was a lifetime ago. I remember kissing him, a lot. I remember him getting to first base... not as much as we kissed but there were two times that I can remember. I enjoyed the kissing.

I wondered if he still kisses the same way or if his technique got better... or worse perhaps. Hes now married to his high school sweetheart and they have two children, a boy and a girl. I dont see myself seeing him in any other light than a friend, someone I used to make out with.

I remember ending that relationship over the phone. I didnt know how else to do it. I couldnt have done it face to face. I know better now. I wonder if he thinks back on that time together for whatever reason.

I wonder if I was his first kiss and so on. I just wonder what he remembers.

Oh how we change and grow over time.

377 - outfit

When I was younger. I brought an outfit to school to wear to catch a certain teachers attention. The outfit consisted of a white top that tied underneath my then much smaller but still evident breasts, a pair of very short short shorts. Something to show off a young woman's body.

I remember being nervous. I remember taking my clothes off only to wear a body baring outfit. I remember walking outside where I knew I would be seen by him. I walked towards him, then past him. I acted like that was how I dressed all the time. I was cool and confident.

I don't remember what he was thinking. I don't even remember what I was thinking. But he followed me. He talked to me for a while and I could see his eyes taking in my outfit. My stomach, my navel and my legs.

Even then I had my eye on older men.

332 - Go Sens Go :)

Darling 'I have a question.'

D - OK...

Darling Well, ...............(silence on my end)..... Um Never mind

D - ok...

Darling - Its just that it will sound vain and shallow...

D - If you have a question just ask. Its ok.

Darling changes the topic and we both laugh at something funny and as hes laughing... I ask very softly...

Darling - Do you think I'm pretty?

D - Do I think you're pretty? I know I'm not very giving when it comes to that kind of thing... but wait a sec do you think I would be sleeping with you if you weren't.

Darling - Well... Im sure it happens out there to some people. I...

D - I think you're really pretty.

Snippets of conversations from last night with D.

D - Guys at work will fall over themselves over you. You will love the attention. I know this.

Darling - Oh yeah? says who? You know... I think its already happening and I'm only in training. They were trying to convince me to buy a house and if I needed my driveway cleared of snow, they were sure they could have a list of guys who would love to help me out in that area... besides... I like the attention that I get from you.

D - (smiles and gives me a kiss)

I hadn't seen him in more than a week and it was getting to the point where we were both getting frustrated about that. So he came over last night after work and we had sex. It was great. I cant even write about it. Yet :)

My body still living in the memory of last night and is doing all very good things at the moment. TMI.. sorry.

D - Did I tell you about my new budget?

Darling - (laughs) another one? What happened to the previous one?

D - I didn't have a previous one.

Darling - Yes you did... (and I went into detail about what it was and he agreed with me.)

D - OK well this one is a bit different.

We talk about it and Its very doable. He mentioned that he will keep the budget until I'm done training as then it will have to be upped as we'll see each other more. As we wont see each other or go out as much in the next 5 weeks because of me still being in training. I told him to enjoy the savings as it will change when I'm on the priority list in 5 weeks.

I do expect to be on some kind of priority list when I a finished training.

He told me what he made on his lat pay cheque and in my head I wowed but thats OK, Ill make that same amount.. not for 2 years but thats OK. Time flies does it not? He asked how I was with my finances and I told him I wasn't worried about it as I wasn't thinking about it.

I mean I haven't changed any of my habits. I still go shopping and pick up things that I know I might not need and end up giving away. If I don't end up making dinner for myself then I eat something easy like soup and sammies.

Ive been eating really healthy and am continuing the daily use of the treadmill which helps when I come home from training.

Training is fun though I think thats just my personal way of putting a spin on what some people call intense and difficult. Its all in how you look at things.

More to come and I'm trying to find time to finish posts and reply to comments. Ive got a USB thingy that I can use to start and work on posts so its a matter of just getting the internet to hook it all up with. I'm looking forward to it and Go Sens Go!

:)

324 - in the air

They are on a hiring frenzie here at J1. The rest of the group is a bit put off by it, because not only are they hiring someone to replace me. They are looking to hire a second person as well. They have each individually spoken to management and brought up the topic of a raise and that was turned down.

Someone put it this way. 'They need to hire two people to replace you?' I just laughed at that and silently agreed.

Instead of keeping their current employees happy they will go ahead and hire someone newOK 2 new people now. Im not sure why that is as they will save more money by giving everyone a raise. Keep them happy and show them that they are valued as employees. When the department brings in, in one month 45 Gs more than the same month the year before. Theres room to share the wealth, just a tiny bit of it.

There are 2 other people in my dept who are looking for something different. They are seeing that there is no give from the company even when they are working hard and producing. I dont blame them. One day after theyve hired enough people and are trying to figure out why they cant hold on to their employees they might decide to make the position a little more attractive by making it more attractive.

So Im happy that I have found something new and different. Im nervous about it but thats normal. They are calling for 25+ cm of snow starting today. Im not looking forward to that. I think it will be a movie night in.

I see D once a week now that our schedules are insane again. I miss him a little but not enough to make me do anything rash. He calls me throughout the day and we talk for a while. Its nice. Im not asking to see more of him. I shouldnt have to. Its at a point where Im backing away little by little.

I went out with one of my girlfriends who works with someone that wants to meet me. I asked her if I knew him and she said no. I asked her how he knew about me and she has mentioned me a few times in their conversations. She wants to set us up. I told her to go for it.

I told her a few things regarding The Soup and how things are going there and she asked me if I had time to meet with J2. I said Id make time. Its never THAT busy. I can always make time to meet with someone for 30 min to see if theres anything there to pursue. No matter if they dont make it in The Soup for any reason. That doesnt mean were not meant to be friends.

I have missed 2 of J1s calls. Im undecided about J. Im thinking of how I can fit J into my schedule and how much maintenance it will be to keep him in The Soup. Here are my thoughts. He is mobile which works for me as he lives about a 45 minute drive from me and Im not familiar with his area and well... Im just not a fan of long commutes.

His only mode of communication is the telephone. Which I usally dont mind as thats usually the best way to get me. But I do enjoy the occaional email. What I dont like is that he only calls me between 4-5pm. If I should be busy and in the middle of something or tied up :) I dont have a number to reach him so I just leave it to him to get in touch with me and leave messages if he cant get me.

Which makes me think that he has either a girlfriend/wife that wouldnt appreciate a message left for him from yours truly. I know youre thinking that I should just ask for his number but Ill pass. That means that I have the ability to call him, which I wont. So theres no real point in having it.

We shall see.

I heard from A and hes working on something and will call me back to let me know. Hes another elusive one. Im glad nothing sexual has happened between us. (for now) As it seems it would be a vanishing act after the act. I hear from him every few weeks if that. So I wouldnt want to get physically involved with someone that I knew wasnt... reliable, consistent or detailed. But things could always turn around. Who knows!?

M3 is thinking of coming to Ottawa for a night if my plans for a vacation dont go through. Im undecided there as he has certain ideas and Im all for them but on my time. I tell him that it will happen just not when he wants it because I dont plan things all the time. When things are planned I feel out of place. IE. Planning to go out for dinner and drinks is ok. What happens during dinner and while were having drinks is unknown. Hes got ideas of going to a place and having this done and that done and then continue to do this and that.


That doesnt do it for me and really doesnt do him any good as it just turns me off and away from wanting to do things with him. I try to tell him that but when thats all hes thinking of and hes thinking that hes lucky that I havent slapped him in the face and walked away. I think he thinks I like it but I dont. Again Ive told him and he just wont listen.

What he doesnt understand is that we will get together and when we do we will.. do things. It just wont be how he thinks it will happen. Leave some spontenaity in it. I told him that expecting things to happen a certain way will only leave him disappointed.

If I happen not to go away for a week I think Ill visit a friend of mine in Toronto. Time away for relaxing. Things are all up in the air.

306 - calling

Darling - OK Im bringing it up. This thing that were doing. When I start working with you.. What will happen between us and our situation?

D - That's up to you.

I wonder how its up to me because hes the one that told me that he doesn't mix his work life with his sex life. That he doesn't date co-workers.. and that's exactly what I will be in the hopefully early new year. A co-worker that is.

Darling - That's the thing though how can it be up to me when you're the one who said that you don't do that. I mean don't you think that would be weird?

D - Well that's what you said. That it would be weird.

Darling - Not for the same reasons as you're thinking. I just think it would be weird to all of a sudden stop. If I was already working there and we met there then it wouldn't happen. But since we met prior to me starting there. Don't you think it would be weird to just turn it off, cut it off cold turkey, that's it that's all you've had your fun move on to the next one?

D - I'm OK with it if we continue on.

This confuses me as now hes going back on what he said before? That or hes realizing what it is he'll be giving up? Or have I just not been paying attention and we've both been thinking the same of the other. That the other person wanted to end the arrangement after I start there. Deep down I think that's what this is. A matter of both of us not wanting it to end and thinking that the other person did.

Darling - OK, so... we'll just continue on and keep it going.

D- We'll continue on.

This isn't the end of that conversation. Ill have to ask him a few other things just because I'm too nosy to keep it to myself. Right now I cant really recall what else I wanted to bring up :) Silly me.

Before we had that conversation hes mentioned things like when I start working there Ill have a lot of men asking me out. It wont just be the guys I work with he says, it will also be clients. Ill have my pick of whoever I want. Upon hearing that I would make glib comments and change the topic to something similar.

I cant decide if its because he wants me to start looking for someone new. Or if he wants to see what my reaction will be and if I bite on the idea of having men thrown themselves at me. Highly unlikely for those of you who are wondering. For men to be throwing themselves at me that is.

Hes reacted on a few occasions when Ive mentioned people I have to go see or have dinners with. I mentioned going to Toronto to visit a friend of mine sometime and Ive mentioned meeting a friend who lives in Chicago and this guy and that guy. Never mentioning what kind of relationship it is. Just that they are friends. Most times I wont even say whether its a guy or not just a general friend. Could be female.

So his reactions have been interesting, like. Who are you going to visit this time? Or who is coming to visit you? There's been mention of dates Ive gone on with that hmmm knowing tone that someone uses when they don't really know. Cute really.

There's nothing wrong with his reactions. Its human to react. Maybe its a good thing that hes reacting otherwise the alternative would be no reaction and that he doesn't care? :) AHA!

D is working extra hours as hes trying to get his trip to be completely paid off. Hes planning on going to Florida in January sometime. No he hasn't asked me if I would like to go with him. Hes going with a couple of guys that he works with and I know that hell have his hands full. I'm not worried about the normal things. I'm just worried that I wont have my daily fix of D.

As much as I think about going with them I know Ill be in the midst of hopefully... training for the job. That or my life. It should be good.

Another thought I had was this trip to San Diego and how Ill be able to keep in touch with D. I feel like a geek thinking about that but I will miss talking to him. One of two things will happen. Distance makes the heart grow fonder or distance will make the heart go wander.

I'm hoping for fonder but we shall see. I might be able to count on one hand the days in which we didn't speak for the whole day. By no means were the days consecutive. My vacation is putting me in a spot where its making me think like a girl.

Must stop that. Ill still have a cell phone with me so I wont be completely cut off. You never know who will be calling.

304 - my mistake

I was talking to my sister yesterday and I mentioned one of my ex's, MDR. He lives in San Jose. We were together for a little over 3 years. I haven't talked to him in longer than that. He said it just hurt too much to continue anything.

Heading back to California made me think of him and I had a thought to call him up. Then I thought OK call and say what exactly? After 'hello' of course.

I wouldn't be uncomfortable. I'm just thinking that he might find it strange and there's nothing worse than knowing I make someone else uncomfortable. The exception of course is when its the sexual kind of discomfort that is followed up by good sexual tension which leads to well. you get the idea.

At the moment I'm not planning on getting in touch with him as I don't even know if I have the number around. Much less remember it I know the area code is 408... and I'm not even 100% sure of that.

I guess I'm just curious about a lot of things.

So a little bit of a panic to be thrown into todays post. I called the passport office to inquire about the status of my application. It was supposed to be mailed out for delivery on Dec 11th. I am hopeful that I will get the passport prior to leaving as it is essential that I have it otherwise I wont be able to fly due to the new rules to fly into and through the US.

It has yet to be printed as far as D knows. This is what they told him about his passport. He went a week ahead of me which doesn't bode well for me. His is already 5 days late in being sent out and I hope... that's all I can do is hope.

I know its my own fault that this is happening. I really wasn't planning a trip at this time and it only came about after I sent my application in. I know that it might all work out and I will just be worried about nothing... though it could be something huge as I wont be able to

A- Enjoy the take off and landing
B- Fly with my sister
C- See my Dad
D- Get away from the cold winter
E- Meet new people.
F- Just get away from 'my so called life'
G- Have a possible make out session at my layover in Chicago. With J
I - Have my imagination run away with total strangers at the airport
J- Leave it all behind
K- See my Dad
L- Be a part of the scenic view at the nude beach
M- get my money back for the flight
O- Do any type of shopping

There are more things that I will miss but I didn't want to think of the rest as that would just be helping me down the rabbit hole.

I'm debating now whether to even pack. I eventually will... just in case. There's no point in beating myself up now if I don't know what will happen so Ill just prepare. Either way I will make a trip to the airport Either I'm flying out or Ill be driving my sister so she can fly out.

Expect the worse hope for the best?

Cross your fingers!

299 - being insecure

I was looking forward to seeing D and doing things to D that are only described in books that have a covers of a half naked men who have wind blown hair and is standing on a shipwreck...

After working at J3 and coming home, tired with achy feet. I took a bath to relax. Walked The Big Dog and put on some music. I thought of taking a nap so I'm that much more energized but that didn't happen.

D calls during one of his breaks and we talk about this and that. I asked him teasingly what his plans were after work and he said home to bed. Seriously. I knew then he wasn't planning on coming over. We talked for a few more minutes but I was already bummed and just wanted to get off the phone.

He asked me if I was getting sleepy as I was being quiet. I said 'yes I was' and that I was going to go to bed soon. I really wasnt but knew that I should get some rest. Plus I was bummed. He had to pause at that as usually I stay up and have energy until hes done or close to him being done because we talk and text each other about everything and nothing which seems like everything.

He tells me if I'm still up later and feel like talking to call him. I say OK but don't really plan on it at all. I feel a bit angry, mad and sad at the same time. More than that I felt a little defeated and insecure. All because he wasn't coming over.. If there were other things I wasnt paying attention I was just focusing on the fact that he wasn't coming over when he said he was.

In bed. Trying to figure out why I was getting teary over this. I wasn't going to call him. No. I was thinking of turning my phone off for the night but I need my alarm so I leave it on.

I lay in bed wondering all sorts of things and

The texts and conversations of the night...

D - Friday lunch at your place if you want

I don't reply back to that.

D - Wow no reply

Darling - Just bummed. Don't worry about Fri at lunch. I know you've got things to do you're working also on Sat. No worries I'm good.

D - I'm disappointed :( :( :(

Darling - I don't see why, but don't be.

D - R U cutting me off?

I don't reply to that as I wasn't thinking of that at all. Which makes me wonder if hes thought of that. I guess I didn't try hard enough not to reply or answer calls. Its just not me to ignore someone that I like. Ive no problem if it was someone that I didnt want

D - Really no lunch on Friday?

D - Really no lunch on Friday?

Darling - Cutting you off?

I wanted to know if he thought I would cut him off? Maybe one day ...aybe.. but it wasnt that time.

D - Really no lunch on Friday?

Darling - Why do you want to do lunch on Friday

D - If you don't want to its OK

Darling Not that I don't want to. I just don't want to feel like you're throwing me a bone. I also know usually do things on Friday. U probably feel a bit bad about not telling me sooner that you're not coming over tonight...

Darling - I don't know why you though I was cutting you off

Darling I'm usually the one who is throwing myself at you and being turned down. Should I be asking you that question?? I need a hug

This is where he calls me...

D - Hi, how are you?

Darling - (after a pause) OK ( I don't sound OK but I'm trying. I'm just sad)

We talk about him thinking I was going to cut him off as he thought I was just brushing him off about meeting him on Friday. I told him it was interesting as that was the first time I said no and that's the conclusion that he came to.

After a while of me thinking that cannot be the only time Ive ever said no to sex. I got a bit down and felt like bawling and didnt say much but I think he could hear me sniffling a little bit.

D - Are you going to bed?

Darling - (after another even longer pause) yes

D - (pausing) well... OK... umm... good night...

Darling - (whispers) bye

Back to text messages....

D - I don't want you to be sad

Darling - I know you don't. Its OK Ill bounce back in a bit. I'm good like that. Just a bit confused about all these texts.

D - Really

Darling - Kinda U?

D - Ya not sure whats happening, confused

Darling - R U just saying that? At least its not just me

This is where he calls me again and we talk. I tell him I'm sorry for being a downer. I was looking forward to seeing him that night. He explained why he wasn't able to. Not that he didn't want to. He does, there are other things to think of like sleep and energy for the next day and other things. Fine that's OK. I wont tell him what staying up until past midnight does to me. Its my choice to do that and I shouldn't bring that up.

I tell him I don't want to be monopolizing his time or be annoying. He tells me that he really likes spending time with me and that I'm not at all annoying. I tell him that I feel a bit insecure, he tells me I shouldn't.

He tells me that he was worried that I wanted to end things with him and he didn't want that at all. I told him I wasn't thinking that and I was wondering if he was trying to do the same. No. We both weren't. Though...??

He apologized about not being able to come over that night. I told him I was bummed because I had things.. planned. He said he was sorry for not telling me sooner and that he wasn't sure about the plans to come over that night. Which is where I reminded him of his selective memory to which I repeated almost word for word the conversation we had about plans for that night. He felt bad about me feeling bad.

All too cutesy. Which made me smile and feel better.

I ended it with these texts...

Darling - I'm restless now and I cant sleep anymore.

Darling - Sorry if I offended you. I didn't mean to

This is where he calls me...

'Hi, I cant talk long. I just wanted to make a suggestion...'

Well I was all for his suggestion and had a darn good time going through with it. There are only a couple of things that can get rid of the restlessness...

This morning after he called me I sent him a text message letting him know that if its still on the table to meet for lunch, that I would meet him. I also made some sexy comment to go along with it and that made him cal me to let me know that we would be getting together for sure.

I also sent him another one after that call letting him know to be gentle as I'm shy. My way of tell him him that I still...

298 - open to suggestion

I didn't get to see V or BC before they left. Not a big deal really as I know they will return to Ottawa. V sooner and more often than BC. Which is fine. If I had to choose who to spend more time with it would be with V. Just because.

BC was nice enough it was just a little too... much. Too much of what? I think too much of something that I'm not 100% sure of.

Things that made me pause and tilt my head in thought.

I'm glad you want to hook up
Call me anytime after work/party. Anytime, really.
When you're at home and you feel aroused and are planning on playing with yourself. Call me.

Really. I'm pretty tolerant when it comes to a lot of things/people. He just gave me more to think of than most. Its not all good things, as well its just things that make me think of the kind of person he is/looking for.

So I had a conversation about what hooking up and meeting up with someone means. I'm not sure if I shared this with you but I recently in the year 2007 I found out the difference between hooking up and meeting up. Anyway. I don't think Ive ever asked anyone if they wanted to hook up. Its always been meet. Its not bad its just to me. It sounds very cold and impersonal. That's just me though.

Even if we were looking for the same type of things. There's a certain way to go about it. Up front, in your face and I want an answer now really doesn't do it for me. I guess in a way what I learned is that I do want some kind of chase/give and take/ flirting/uncertainty. Not interested in the wham - bam - thank you Darling.

I hope this doesn't put me under a shady spotlight but... thoughts go this way...
If its a sure thing. I wont go out and advertise it. I'm picky.
I enjoy sex and I'm sure I would enjoy it with most people. Some more than others :)
I do think of that often. Ive got some wires crossed I'm sure
My girlfriends have no idea how crossed they are
They know that I'm a bit on the more adventurous side
I share some but not all details. Some things are meant to be kept a secret :)

OK so I do want someone who enjoys the lead up to having sex.
Not just come on over and lets get it on.
Though everything has its moments and maybe not in those words
But not on your first, second or third meeting... or whenever you think...
Its really when I'm in the mood.

Though I am open to suggestions :)

285 - a little nervous

I'm a little nervous today. I'm not 100% sure why. Just one of those uneasy feelings in my tummy.

It could be and these are reasons that might be why.

I know D is having a 'discussion' with someone about something that's very important to him and I know that I had a hand in it. Not purposely but inadvertently.

I have my doctors appointment today. I hope everything checks out OK.

Ive told work about the appointment with my Doctor but I didn't mention all the other things I have to do afterwards. Ill mention that the time frame is unknown for how long Ill be gone so that might make me feel better.

Those are the major things I'm thinking could be contributing to my unease for the day.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Random thoughts that are going through my mind this morning.

Reminder that Ill be bartending tonight, Friday night and possibly one day this weekend.
Ill have to write up a list of things to do so I get them done and don't fall behind.

The Big Dog is looking a bit sad as Ive been busy lately and I know I miss her and shes probably thinking the same. Things will die down soon I think.

Halloween is one night where ladies get to play out fantasy roles by dressing up a little bit riskier. Its interesting to me what people choose to go as as I think it might be an indication of what kind of underlying silent wants they have in mind. Just a thought.

Bumping into people after get a great haircut and looking fabulous is such an adrenaline rush.

A friend of mine recently got a part time job working in a Wine Store where she gets to try a bottle of wine a week. This is going to be the start of a fantastic self taught wine course. Which I would like to follow up with an actual bona fide class.

The Wine and Food show at The Congress Center is not only a great place to learn about wine and interesting food. Its also a great place to meet people. Also known as A Meat Market.

Nov 3rd and 4th. Ive yet to decide which day I will attend and with whom. My sister is a likely choice though, we shall see how our schedules work.

Advice
Dress to impress ladies.
Steer clear of the Screech.
Also steer clear of the opposite sex... not all of them.. just those that are...
- slurring
- wavering... while standing.
- vomiting
- loud and obnoxious... impaired by alcohol or not, they should be avoided.

Ive been a little off with replies to any emails. I'm starting back up with them and there's a good sized chuck of guilt hanging on my shoulder. I believe that if someone takes the time to send me an email they deserve a reply. It meant that someone thought of me for a moment or few and I should return the same courtesy.

I think its because I feel a little bit boring and don't feel like I have anything exciting to share or talk about. Such is life. A big ball of perception.

One of the girls I work with is turning out to be someone that is really cool/fun. Maybe once I leave this company we'll be able to hang out every so often.

One of my male coworkers has just been hit with a meteor of a whammy. The girl hes been in love with for the past say 4 years just told him that she is pregnant. Hes come to me for advise. I told him I'm not qualified. I might confuse him even more. He still wanted to hear it so I gave it to him and now I find myself with a lost puppy. Looking to focus his attentions on someone else.

I hope the direction of his focus is not Yours Truly. On a few occasions there have been remarks to that effect to which I have ignored and failed to respond to. Hes in a fragile state and I don't know how delicate I need to be. Sometimes I'm not so delicate in my words even though I mean them to be.

Who knew!?!?!

I hope that getting my passport will bring forth a vacation of some sort. You know what they say. Thinking of it is the first step to making it happen. Ive thought. Ive done. Ive yet to get the tickets. :)

Oh and I guess Ill have to pay rent sometime soon. The good news and bad news? I could have been collecting air miles since Ive moved in and havent as Ive been using a different bank card to pay for rent. Silly me. Ill be taking advantage now that I know :)

Hope everyone had a Safe and Happy Halloween!

282 - closer and closer

I know Ive been lacking in my posts. I apologize. Ive got tons of posts started that just needs a bit more work. Not having the Internet at home really doesn't help.


On the work front. Things are going well at work. I find myself looking forward to leaving. Ive been with this company going on 5 years and its just time for a change. This new position I'm vying for is something that I'm not 100% sure of. But change is good and this will be a change.


I'm nervous about it but there's a training period and its a wait and see kind of situation. If I don't get the position then that's OK. Ill just be here until I find something else. Ive heard of people doing it the opposite way. Leave the current job first then find something after. I'm not that much of a risk taker so Ill do it this way.

On the family front. My aunts who I haven't seen for more than 15 years will be spending the Christmas holidays with us. I think this will be the first time in a very long time that all the sisters will be spending a holiday together. It will be nice but it will also be very strained as I'm sure being a family get together. Ill be subjected to spending time with someone I would rather not.


My sister is thinking of moving to San Diego. She'll be able to do her class work by correspondence which comes in handy. I'm not sure of the timeline that shes looking at. This depends on when her boy friend gets accepted to teach English in Japan. Its all a wait and see.


My dad is in Puerto Rico and will be there for a while. I sent him an email asking him if hes been following the news of the fires in San Diego. I asked him if his place was affected and Ive yet to hear back from him. I know hes busy so I'm not worried. I am worried about his place there and how things are if its in the area of the fires.


Its my dads Birthday this Friday. We've got a package to send him but seeing as hes in Puerto Rico. We'll be holding on to it until hes back home.


My brother is planning on getting the new Xbox 360. I asked him what his plans were for the one he will be replacing and Ive somewhat convinced him that its new home should be my apartment. I'm not a huge fan of video games. Though I do like fighting games like Street fighter. I don't play long or often, for when I do, my thumb muscles get tired quickly and sometimes cramp up.

The Big dog and I ran through an new area where there's lots of bushes and shrubbery for her to inspect. I think something bit her tail as there looks to be a bug bite of some sort which drives her bonkers. Bonkers as in running around chasing her tail. Makes me shake my head and smile at her silliness.


Speaking of dogs. My sister has asked me to take care of hers when she moves and I do and I don't. I feel bad as it is not being home for The Big dog and having another one will just double the guilt. We shall see. Maybe I could make a bid for her fish. Though I think shes planning on making them a package deal. Dogs and fish go together.


One of my girlfriends. The one in The Penalty Box seems to have redeemed herself somewhat. I have yet to remove her from TPB which seems to work because when shes not in it, things seem to fall to the wayside. I'm bringing dinner over tonight and shes making the pina coladas. She didn't make it right. Its mostly alcohol but that's how we like it. It really packs a punch.


I told her it wont be a late night tonight as Ive got the next stage schedule for tomorrow. I imagine Ill be in bed by 9:30-10pm tonight. Bright and early tomorrow at 8am is when Ive got to be on the ball. Ive warned her Ill just be having 2 drinks and nothing more.


Lunch with D today. Ive left it up to him today. He gets to decide what to do. I'm happy either way. That is if we go to a restaurant for lunch or if we go Chez Darling. Its pretty interesting, all this. How I teeter sometimes from one side to the other. I'm amused by it all and I'm aware theres a risk for something that I might not like but there's also the benefit for something pleasant. Who knows?


I'm not in the market for a relationship. D and I are both in agreement with that. We each have our own reasons for it. So its neat that were OK with how things are. I know I might, sort of, could complicate things by fairy taling it. Though I think in time it will just as things do. Fizzle.


I'm aware I do it though and bring myself back to reality. The only person I share it with is my sister and well... of course you.

So its well after lunch as you can tell and D and I had an interesting conversation. If I get this new job. D and I will be coworkers. Ive never fooled around or been with a coworker and neither has he and we both go by the no hanky panky with co workers. This puts me in a funny pair of slippers and I'm kind of sad.

Ill still want to be with him and I still want to get the job. Another case of wanting to have my cake and eat it too. He says we'll see. I'm OK with it if it has to come to that but I wont be ecstatic about it. I mean. Who would be?

Just another thing to think about which makes it interesting. I cant complain too much. I have my health, my home, friends and family and if worse comes to worse. Ill have BOB around more often than not.

Tomorrow is another big day in the me getting the new job dept. So keep me in mind and send me good, calm and focused thoughts :)

Closer and closer...

281 - Conundrum!!

The hydro in my building was shut off from 9-4 yesterday. So when D and I made our way to the elevators a sign was up saying it was out of order and apologies for inconveniences were up as well.

I didn't end up having the lunch I was expecting. Not too happy about it. The thought of walking up 12 flights of stairs for a quickie and then walking down those stairs again wasn't very sexy so we went out for lunch instead.

It was a lovely lunch, we talked and my mind wandered to other things we could be doing. Imagining us in other places where we would be able to do certain things...

I find myself somewhat shy again with D. I cant explain it its just one of those things that happens every so often. It may be due to me stepping back to see how things are. Maybe the other girl that hell be seeing in Venezuela. Or it may be... something or another. I just am. Its probably because I do like him. I don't know.

So this trip hasn't been booked yet and I really cant say anything though I do want to talk to him about it. I'm sure at some point I will bring it up. Maybe not the details of his trip but why it might be bothering me. Its OK. It is how it is. I will speak my mind. No matter the consequences.

Speaking of speaking my mind. I had to bite my tongue at work. I think my performance here is really good. I do my job and I do my job well. I was recently told that I wasn't allowed to take 10 minutes away from my desk without telling anyone where I am going. (I was away for less than 10 min) and I realize that I am back in grade school. I wanted to say something... actually a few things but I didn't. Its work.

I bit my tongue and have decided to buy a pack of cigarettes. Not for me to smoke... but to be able to go out and have a moment to myself. Ive decided to let the cigarette stick burn itself to the halfway point and then I will return to my desk.

I don't mind people who smoke but when there's no word to those people who smoke about the amount of time they are away from their desk and I do. That is not fair. So, I, with the rest of the smokers will have equal amounts of time to indulge in ... habits. Mine will just be coupled with cell phone usage. Don't worry Ill keep an eye out on the cigarette. I wouldn't want this place to burn down.

I guess the closer I am to getting this new position, this makes me a little bit more on the edge at work here. It is time and I hope that it all goes well and that I do have the opportunity to leave here. Ive been here for the past 5 years and Ive reached the glass ceiling.. a while ago.

I'm excited about the new job but I'm also nervous about not getting it. My thought process goes as follows

- I'm excited about leaving this place
- I'm nervous about not getting the new job
- Because that means Ill still be stuck here until I start the process of looking again..
- Change is good but scary sometimes. I like sure things and I'm not sure Ill get the job.
- That's just being cautious. I'm optimistic that Ill get it but just not sure.
- Doubt... blech!
- I'm kind of worried that I'm looking forward to it too much that it wont happen.
- I hope that that's just one of those silly thoughts that I get once in a while.
- Is giving 2 weeks really something I have to do? will 1 suffice?
- I know that if I leave they will find someone to replace me.
- That's OK. I do my job and I do it well. No one can do it better or as efficient :)
- Or so I like to tell myself.
- Its the truth though :)

About tonight. Ive already told my girlfriend I'm not meeting with her tonight. She had big plans for me to hang out with her at her boyfriends place again. I declined.

Meeting with N... I'm nervous as I'm having a fat day. We shall see how it goes.

D is getting off of work early and then meeting his friends for dinner at 7:30. Then might meet me for drinks.

Conundrum alert! Want to meet with N and hang out with D as well. What to do what to do. I'm surprised this doesn't happen more often. LOL Actually I lied. it does happen often but Ive been really good as managing my schedule. This one just jumped out of nowhere and I wasn't the one in charge of whens.

Will update.

278 - lurking

I haven't been posting as much as Id like to. I'm concentrating on trying to get through the stages in order to get the job. Ive had to in less than a week talk to3 of my present and previous managers for a reference.

Its unclear whether I am only required to have a list of 3 references or if I need 3 written references. Deep down I think its just a list of 3 they need to be able to contact. However that is also easier than having to go get 3 written ones. Its not hard. Its just getting them all in a timely fashion. @ I have to run after. One was done the same day. The other wants me to write it out myself and has given me carte blanche to embellish if I should so please. I don't as I wouldn't feel comfortable. Honestly is best. Plus the honest truth is I was pretty damn great there and everywhere :)

Writing it out myself is a bit weird as I feel like I'm bragging but its not its just pointing out great qualities that I have. But it still feels like gloating. Ive asked D to draft a letter for me and Ill use that and have that previous employer sign it.

This weekend is Thanksgiving weekend and Monday is a Holiday. Tuesday is my interview and I feel its cutting it a bit close. But it could just be me. I'm kicking myself a little bit as I did have time the week before to get it all done. I was just unsure about getting to this stage. This just teaches me its better to err on the right side of caution.

Its interesting as I did think about it, about getting it done sooner. I'm not quite sure why I didn't. It may be because I don't want to get too ahead of myself. I also didn't want to seem ... full of myself. Now I feel like I'm a monkey on their backs about it.

"I know you're busy, I wanted to know how you were coming along with my reference letter and if I am able to pick it up today."

"Ill be seeing you this Thurs night and Sat night and I was wondering which night to expect it."

"I really appreciate this and I'm pleased that you feel comfortable enough to write a reference letter for me."

Ive decided (very recently... like just now) not to worry too much about it. It would be nice to have all 3 letters in hand when I walk into the interview. It will just give me that extra boost of confidence. However if I only have 1 (which I currently have) or 2 (which I might be able to pick up tonight) Ill be happy. Again all 3 would be great but '2 out of 3 ain't bad' as someone once said :)

There are a few things I need to do to prepare myself for this and Ill have some homework which D has helped me with. I feel like I'm still a bit clueless but he thinks Ill do fine. Just be relaxed and keep things simple. Ive made notes and I'm hopeful and excited about moving ahead.

Its exciting, the thought that I might be doing something different if things should work out. OK not if but WHEN things work out. That's better. Tuesday it is. If things go well with this panel interview then onto the next stage which I will definitely fret over like I usually do.

D had breakfast with Jason from the other night and another of his co workers. I get a call after breakfast and part of the conversation went like this.

D - Jason was pretty drunk that night, he and Pete drank a lot and Jason was pretty out of it.

Darling - It was a good time/

D - Its funny... Jason told me you guys made out that night. He said he asked for a kiss and that's how it started.

Darling - (laughs) If he calls that making out he needs to get back in the game... and if you see him next time, tell him I wasn't satisfied with it.

D - I just laughed when he told that story

Darling - Funny ha ha or funny interestinggg

D - I laughed

Darling - What a little trouble maker... I guess If that's what making out is I also made out with Pete.

The next day. I bring it up again. Why? Because I want to know if it bothered him or if hes OK with it. Should I bother going down this thought process? Would his reaction be an indication of how he sees me? us?

Earlier today. Lunch was a bowl full of sex. Messy sex. In my apartment, on my bed. Just how I like it. Messy enough to take a shower and rush to work with damp hair. Its been a while. It was also very good. Not enough but it was good. So good that while he was in the shower. I took the opportunity to continue to play with myself and make a bigger mess. No he didn't know what I was doing. But I was a bit turned on about him not knowing.

How do you tell someone you want more without insulting them if they cant do more? Or how do I find out if there is a possibility of more but there is something that's holding them back? Specially if its me? EEK!

Its nice what this is. But I think in order for me to continue to enjoy my life. Ill have to take a step back and go out and rub noses with those patiently waiting in The Soup. Its nice to be with someone that doesn't have the same complications as D does. I'm OK with them as I'm pretty laid back that way and peoples lives are so different that when its out of my control. There's nothing I can do about it and there's no reason for me to get all twisted over.

Ive got another long night ahead of me and D might want to go out. I'm not sure if he does or not yet as he was planning on giving me a choice. Lunch today or after hes done work. I don't think he'll want to go out after hes done work. I wont plan on it. But it wold be neat to be surprised.

I need to catch up on sleep and need to buy groceries for Thanksgiving which were celebrating Monday at lunch. We all have plans to have dinner elsewhere for dinner that night and the night before.

Happy Turkey and Have a great weekend. Ill post about how the interview went. Thanks for being in my corner :)

PS I know I haven't been checking blogs lately but I will return to that as soon as things start working itself out in the new job category. Ive been lurking when I can though :)

Darling a lurker.. makes me giggle :)

277 - over and under

I went out with D after I worked the hockey game on Saturday. He finished work a couple of hours after I did so I went out with my sister for a couple of drinks instead of heading home. My sister and I went to a Pub close to her place and we had a few drinks and caught up on whats been happening and not happening in our lives.


It was good to see her. We've both been busy so it was a treat to hang out. After a few drinks I get a call from D letting me know that it wont just be the two of us. That he bumped into a high school friend and that he'll be out with us as well. Kind of bummed but that's OK. Its always nice to meet other people.


I get there first but before I do D calls to make sure I'm on my way. I'm late once and hes always thinking Ill be late. See why I don't like being late? I don't know if its that I don't like being late.. I think its more of I don't want anyone to doubt me. Ill be there.


I think its cute as I know hes teasing me and not doing it to make me feel bad. At least that's what I tell myself :) So Even if he was trying to make me feel bad it wouldn't work as it is pretty small and not worth fighting over.

We met at Local Heroes which is a midpoint between both our places and its pretty easy to get to. I got there first and then he walked in. I wanted to take him home and do naughty things to and with him. But I held off on that idea.

His friends came shortly after and his friend Jason and Pete were nice. It was Pete's Birthday and Jason works with D. I found myself having drink after drink and I was really enjoying myself. It was neat to hear them talk about their school days together and more interesting was their drinking years.

While conversations run rampant above the tables. Hands were getting busy underneath. I found myself pulled by the alcohol to a horny stupor. First my knee found his and together they maintained contact. Then came my hand to rest on his knee which occasionally would squeeze gently. I would then find my hand roaming up his thigh only to return to his knee.

When that didn't receive any objections I continued that every so often, often enough to feel him grow.. ing. Very erotic as on the surface were all proper and lean down and well, we just weren't. I'm sure you can tell how amorous I was feeling. I was imagine no Pete or Jason there with D and I naked in places that I didn't care about just as long as we were naked and together.

At some point after drink 6 or 7 I went to the ladies room and found myself wondering about if I might feel his hand on my knee, my bare knee at that. I went out and the power of thought is indeed great and we must have been thinking the same thing as there was some definite reciprocation under the table and more to boot. At drink number I don't recall anymore. I went back to the ladies room and on my way out and about 10 feet from our table. I took a quick look around and saw that we were alone in that area.

More importantly, that I was alone and no one could see what I was to do next. I shimmied out of my panties as D was looking my way. I winked at him and he just smiled at me as I seated myself. My knee swung open to the side and I saw him lean back in his chair and see his eyes dart down. His jaw clenched and as he leaned back to the table his hand found his way to me.

Oh the man can tease and please.

My hand found his zipper and found him straining. Oh how things are looking up. I would wonder every so often if the other guys knew what was happening. I also wondered if I flashed anyone else. We were sitting on high bar stools around a table and well there was ample opportunity for a flash here and there. Unintentional on my part of course.

I got teased quite often by Jason who got a kick that I was newly 28. I teased right back that soon he wouldn't be allowed out without a chaperone hence he forgets his name or where he needed to go. It was all good times.

At the end of the night and way past the time they should have been closed. D went to the men's room and I was left to say goodbyes. Jason asked for a kiss. So I leaned in and he aimed for my lips. I turned my head to one side. He kissed my cheek. He also said no no a real kiss on the lips. So he leaned down again and I turned my head to the other side and winked at Pete as he kissed me on the other cheek. Pete laughed and I smiled. So for being a good sport about it I gave him a quick kiss on the lips.

It was after all Petes Birthday so I gave him the same deal. Cheek, cheek, lips. Then the bartender lets me know that D is waiting for me at the door. I look and hes watching me. I dont feel guilty. But there was a thought. 'I wonder if he saw that and what hes thinking.' I go to him and he opens the door for me.

Outside, alone.
We kiss. We touch.
We try to get into each others clothes.
The door opens and its the guys.
We part.
I lean into him and ask if hes coming over.
He says He wants to but cant.
I tell him he kills me, turn and walk away.
Not after I run my hands over him.
I know he wants me.
I know its not that he doesn't want to. Hes just got other things
I walk backwards to my car, were both watching each other.

I get in my car and watch him drive away. Soon after I drive home I get a text from him 'Don't be mad, Ill make it up to you.' That doesn't take away the need that's been building inside me. But it does make me melt just a little bit. My reply? 'You kill me but I still want you.. I'm not mad'

Its his day off today. Hes got plans which is fine. G is coming over tonight. Then Ill be hanging out with one of my girl friends.

Then I'm bartending on Thurs, Fri and Saturday. I said no to Sunday because Ill be at J3.

Oh and the interview. Tuesday Oct 9th at 12:30. Send good vibes please :)

273 - back seat adventures

I knew it was odd that things seem to be going so well and without any interesting happenings in my life. Odd happenings that is. One of those.. you mean that doesn't only happen in movies. Or, you have to be kidding, those things don't really happen to real people.

My story for the day and involves me, a car, being locked in and not finding the trunk release for my freedom.

Lets not ask about why I got in the car please

I tried doors on each side. None would open. I flicked the power locks in the front on and off and tried the back doors again. They wouldn't open. I sat. I thought. I got an idea. I put the 60/40 split seats down and crawled into the trunk. My skirt riding up and I'm sure had anyone else been there would have gotten a show. However I'm sure that had someone else been there I would not have been in that situation to begin with.

My 4 inch heels still on my feet could have come off but I kept them on. For the sake of propriety of course. I didn't want to be seen dishevelled upon my rescue. I might not be in the best situation but I sure was going to look great in it.

The upper half of my body clearly inside the trunk. I search for the trunk release which Ive heard comes standard on new cars nowadays. I don't have a clue what it looks like. But I know it should be somewhere. My lower body is pointed right out the front window and every so often Ill twist to see if there is anyone out there just watching me instead of saving me.

There was no one. I continued to pull press and tug on anything that could have been the trunk release. I had an amusing thought. This came to mind as I'm trying to free myself from a locked car. Why is it every time I'm looking for something and cant find it Man and G spot come to mind?

In complicated situations I'm Ms Cool, calm and fashionably attired. I try a few more times to find the trunk release. I conclude after my attempts that this car is missing a most important feature a trunk release. Well, it would have been an important feature specially if others found themselves in a similar situation. I wonder how many people would have thought to try to get out through the trunk.

I look at my trusty cell phone. Since I cant get myself out of this mess. Ive thought of everything I could do barring smashing any windows. I dialed and called someone to get me out. A co-worker.

Who laughed at me but said he would come to the rescue. Oh good. It was starting to get hot in the backseat. I rearranged everything and waited. I kept an eye out and realized there was no way to keep this quiet. Its too bizarre to keep a secret. I see CW walking towards the car in question and just as hes one car away I lean up and honk the horn twice which makes him look up and start to jog ahead in front of the car I am in and right on by...

Just like that. My rescue was no more. I called and couldn't get through to him to let him know where I was and I called a couple of other people a few minutes later to see if hes returned. No luck.

I sat and set the alarm off a couple of times. By accident. I wasn't trying to draw attention to myself. Although I should start saying that I was. I really wasn't trying to. I was just trying to see if any of the doors would open and no it did not.

Finally someone that I recognized that worked in the building, but didn't know very well was walking by and I couldn't really be picky about who it was that gets me out of the car so I honked the horn and his attention was caught. I smiled and beckoned him over and after he laughed at my situation helped me out of the car.

Most of the building knows about my little escapade. The FAQs of the day

Are you OK?
What were you doing in the backseat of the car?
How did you get locked in?
What were you doing in the trunk?

and my favorite one.

Why didn't you just crawl into the front and get out that way?

I of course as a child wasn't subjected, and I have no children nor do I know many people who use this feature. The child safety lock. So I'm not thinking of this as I'm in the car. I'm thinking the doors in the back don't work. Try the front ones? I must have had a brain fart though I did try to use the power locks. I can see how some people panic in certain sitautions. Some people freak out, others have memory lapses.

So I'm very embarrassed and yet I'm so delightfully happy that I can share this story and have other people laugh with me.

I'm OK and I'm safe. I know you shook your head at me a couple of times but I also know that you had a chuckle reading this.

Plan for tonight is a run with the dog while my laundry is in the wash. Then working out with Denise or Carmen. A shower then a nap to get ready for some midnight painting the town red with D.

272 - glow and blush

My Grandmother may be going home tomorrow. My aunts a bit hesitant to bring her home so soon. However the patient is anxious to return to her home. I cant blame her.

I got called in to work tonight unexpectedly. I said yes. They were in a bind and my plans fell through.

Lunch with D was not only sexually satisfying. It was also emotionally satisfying. I really didn't want to go back to work. Though I did and I did have a smile that wouldn't go away. A glow, a blush that remains until now. We didn't spoon or cuddle or any of that but we did stay in bed and talk about things. It was... really nice. x`

What a fun afternoon. Which brings me to my next few thoughts.

- Libidos. What is low, normal/average or high? Does masturbation count or not.
- I know I shouldn't compare myself or my sex life with anyone elses.
- Sometimes it seems like I'm at the end of the line and everyone is doing things or trying things that I haven't and I continue to wait until its my turn.
- Other times Its the other way around.
- But mostly it seems like I'm at the tail end of the sexual revolution and I need to catch up.
- Catch up on what? I cant imagine things have changed that much.
- Or has it?
- I don't know, I'm trying to figure it out.
- So back to libidos. Does thinking about it count or is it just the act that counts.
- Because if thinking about.. .things count then... never mind :)

Ill be talking about this some more some other time :)

270 - as of late

Friday.

Date night.. technically not a date. I just call it a date. Not to his face but here :) In the privacy of my little corner of cyberspace. With you because I know you wont go running to anyone that I know.

Started of well. Looked extra fantastic. Ill leave it to your imagination as to what I was wearing underneath my clothes. Looked good, smelled great, felt superb.

Met with D and we ordered and talked and laughed and teased.

Then I see a number on my cell phone that I dont recognize. I pick up thinking should I? Soemthing tells me yes. I do. Its my Aunt. Shes called to tell me that the procedure my Gramma got done (hysterectomy) went well. Though during the procedure she had a heart attack and was rushed to the Heart Institure in Ottawa. I got the relevant information.

Eyes got teary when D asked me if I was ok. I told him what happened and he gave me a hug. I wont go into how much I needed one.

I left, got lost and eventually found myself calling my sister telling her what happened. I went to pick her up and we both went on a journey to find parking.

Shes ok. Looks good. They inserted a stunt/stint? which took care of the clots and the clogged area. D's Dad was at the Heart Institute when he had a heart attack and he was telling me it was the ebst place to be for that.


Left Gramma to sleep and drove everyone home. Walked The Big Dog and finally went to bed at 2am.

Saturday.


Slept in. Thankfully. Made breakfast. Looked at myself in the mirror while questioning my life due to recent events to someone elses life. It feels a bit surreal. Someone I know and am related to is in the hospital... again.


I dont do well with sickness and things like this. My Aunt was diagnosed with Cancer and I felt awkward about it. Nothing to do with them. Its me.


My thoughts are not right. My thoughts go to mind over matter. Or is that called avoidance, ignorance, escapism? Just convince your body its not riddled with cancer cells. Youll be fine. Tell your heart to clean itself out. Breathe in the good clean air, acclimatize yourself to allergens so you wont react. Is ignorance really bliss? Sometimes.

If anything ever happens to me that I cant control. What will I do then? I dont want to think about it.

D brought up having a will. How morbid. Though I should have one. I think Ill make it a group activity. Bring everyone together and give them packages so we can get it all done at the same time so we know that weve done it and nothing is left to ... after... should it...

Was on the phone on and off with D. He was at work and invited me to visit him as he was bored. I thought that was sweet. I didnt as I was heading to another visit and then off to my own work.

Was really tired after work. Drained. I havent felt that way in a long time. Body felt tight and it felt like I havent been horizontal in weeks. I decided to just lay down for a few minutes and my body sighed in relief when I did.

I took a nap and was up and ready to go meet with D. I know. we were going out again. More food and drink. Must do more situps. We bumped into one of his friends and I wasnt introduced. I didnt know how to react so I was just there. Wondering if I was going to be introduced. It was funny as as Im getting out of the car that night I was thinking of what would happen if we bumped into one of his friends and what would happen. Well now I know.

It bothered me for all of 5 minutes and then I didnt think about it again. Until now. But it doesnt bother me. Its just one of those things I can shake my head at.

Drinks were really good. Mango Cremesicle Martinis. At the price they were asking it was worth it. Though On occasion not always as that would put a dent in my savings

Sunday.

Stayed home, relaxed in the morning. Went with my sister to visit my Gramma. Left for an early dinner and then ended up late for work. Thats ok. I still got everything done and managed to leave early.

Talked to D throughout the night and fell asleep after my bath.

266 - * 's

I met with V at a bar. I had a glass of water instead of anything alcoholic. Why? I wasn't too nervous about meeting with him. Don't get me wrong there was a healthy does of nerves happening. But I was feeling good and very comfortable. Also I came from having a few glasses of very good wine at a get together with some friends.

We made introductions and started the nights conversation with ease which would surely lead to where it usually does. Sex. Not the act but the topic. * At this time. **Prior to that topic though I found out about little things that's easy to share when first meeting someone. The usual generic things. Nothing too personal, yet. Though I am curious as to many things already.

I don't recall all the details but it was a comfortable meet and greet. I didn't feel pressured to fill silences, later in the evening he mentioned that he was very attracted to me and that he would like to bring me back with him so we can end the night being intimate.

I smiled politely and told him flat out that wouldn't be happening. I also told him I'm not that kind of girl, but its nice to know he was attracted to me. I didn't hold it against him for being forward. Hes a man. I know hes thinking of sex and probably has been since we met at the door.

I didn't particularly dress myself to impress. Simple and comfortable. A beige skirt with a short sleeve blue tshirt. Nothing plunging or low cut. Flip flops on my feet and my hair down and around my shoulders.

I wondered why I didn't do my usual ritual of getting dolled up. I mean I didn't look bad last night at all. I still looked good. I just didn't feel WOW or feel like I provided the WOW for myself anyway. Or... am I just that sure of my natural beauty that dolling up is no longer needed? AHEM lol


So it was nice to be complimented on even without the ritual of getting ready. I went to meet V with no expectations. In the middle of it I shared something that I don't share with anyone. I'm not sure how it will turn out later on but see we shall.



* What does it mean when you know you are meeting someone and know that sex is on their mind. Particularly, sex with me. Even before you meet face to face. Or am I deluding myself and its all men that are always thinking of sex. Maybe not ever following through and pursuing it. But at some point thinking of it.


** What does it mean when I know this and am not bothered by it. I know and accept it and know that I am in control. I am the one that decides the when it will happen.

264 - long weekend

Things that happened this long weekend.

- watched a movie Ghostbusters 1 and 2
- gave The Big Dog bath
- Cleaned my apartment
- Blew a fuse in the living room and dining room
- plan on getting fuses
- Drove aunt to the hospital to visit my Grandmother. Grand kids are going tonight.
- was late for dinner to meet AR.
- missed AR by I am guessing 2.5 seconds and didn't have dinner with AR
- was mad at myself for being late but had to drive aunt to hospital. Last min planning.
- was annoyed that there was no voicemail to let them know I was running late, tried 3x
- was even more annoyed that after 15 min AR left. Heard from AR asking me what happened
- felt a bit sketchy about Dinner with AR, who leaves after 15 min?
- took much needed naps
- paid rent
- went to a club in Lulu lemon jogging pants. (caught off guard)
- still looked good.
- I was hit on by who I thought was a really good looking guy
- with very sexy hands
- while D was in sight of all the shenanigans
- D thought he was all over me
- we never broke the 6 inch rule
- shopping
- tested items for water resistance
- shopping
- planning on testing something to see if it is indeed ribbed for my pleasure
- shopping
- budget put on hold
- dinner with sister and brother
- napped
- K
- daydreamed
- manicure
- pedicure
- facial
- got my flirt on.
- had an unfortunate meeting with someone Id rather not ever see again
- still don't have fuses for living/dining room
- 15 amp fuses, why cant I remember them.
- I predict Ill still need fuses this coming weekend.
- someone drove onto the curb paying attention to me instead of the road
- D slipped and called me his girlfriend.
- I just smiled and didn't say anything
- really enjoyed not working... too much
- looking for someone to make out with
- wondering if someone would be interested in just making out without the sex.
- thinking of filling that position


:) Will post more about some of the above sometime. Some of you may want details.

262 - underneath the surface

Another long weekend coming up. I feel like booking off work at the last minute or well.. really giving them as much notice as possible so that I can just go somewhere. Even if its an hour away somewhere. LOL Pitch a tent and sleep. Hopefully without any wildlife wanting to be tamed by yours truly. What? Stranger things have happened.

I'm not working at all on Monday. At any of my jobs so that's good. I don't quite know what to do with myself. I think ill go get my car checked out however I know they are closed for the long weekend as well so that's out of the question.

Maybe I should take a drive down with my sister to go cross border shopping. Oh wait I will need some serious spending money and I'm on a save money stint at the moment. That idea just wont do specially if I have to take my car which is in need of some work to go.

This is life telling me that I need to do something. I might spend the weekend doing some self evaluation and some cleansing/cleaning and organizing of my mind , body and soul.

I need to reconnect to... something that I'm not entirely sure of but something needs to be done. I feel a little disconnected. To what I'm not so sure. I cant explain it. It feels a little scary not knowing exactly how I feel. What is happening and what will happen. Something in the pit of my stomach is prepared for something not so nice.

I wrote a post about feeling something really intense and just wanting to have sex. Which would be the one thing that would fix, satisfy and ease whatever it was that was bothering me at that time. Its not quite that intense now but there's something just underneath the surface of calm that lies waiting.

The friend who is currently in The Penalty box called me and apologized for not calling the day before. I said it was OK and she mentioned going to a place called Heaven. Shes been a bit down as she recently took a pay cut. A big pay cut and now is struggling to make ends meet.

I feel a bit bad for my reaction but not really. I would hope that she knows that she can talk to me about things. Oh well. I know she knows that and when shes ready she knows where she can find me.

Oh and T called me! I havent heard from him in so long and I was so very excited to hear his voice. Hes got that melt my panties voice thats very very arousing. WE talked for about 30 minutes and we caught up on what was happening though I talked more so I hope he calls again soon so I can hear what hes been up to.


So lets hope that this weekend finds me well. Have a super duper fun filled weekend! :)

It will be a new month when I post again. I see changes in my future. Send out good thoughts for my plans for the future! :)

257 - kept

I had dinner with G and it was at a restaurant Ive been meaning to visit but just haven't been able to for some reason.

Lovely atmosphere, made me feel like I was in a different place, a different country almost. Very cozy. Food was great and company was even better as I haven't seen him in a couple of months. Hes been away on vacation.

He's taken 3 months off and returns to work sometime this coming September. Ive been thinking of what it would be like to have 3 months off and what I would do. I decided that I couldn't possibly plan something like that if I didn't know how much money I had to play with in that time, to take care of my responsibilities and splurge? Maybe.

Its always good to have friends you don't see for a long period of time. It makes getting together more alive. A little more animated as there's so much to share and talk about and find out in regards to whats happened since the last time we got together.

Lots of conversation ranging from the silly to the intense. Lots of laughter and interruptions. But with friends the interruptions means there's an ease and comfort and the knowledge that its not out of rudeness. Its out of something that just cant wait. Its non stop, topics go back and forth from one to another and back again.

There's an ease with G and I that I feel. Almost like an intimate embrace without the complications that sex brings. At the end of the evening and on our second bottle of wine at my place. I just wanted to cuddle. We did.

We lay in bed together for what seemed a long time and it was nice. He whispers in my ear how he desperately wants to make love to me. I look at him in the eye and smile. Hes a sweetheart. We did it all during dinner. I hope he understood what I meant. I wanted him to know that if we didn't it would still be a fantastic evening.

As much as sex brings people close. Sometimes its everything else that brings you closer. Our time together was intimate and we shared so much that it was something orgasmic.

Interesting facts about the evening. G looks much better with a tan, healthy and happy. Hes thinking of going to a tanning salon once his current one starts to fade. I said if that's what he wanted to do and if it would make him happy go for it. I cautioned him on the perils of going as per all the hype but I also told him that it does wonders for some people.

The benefits of it is, looking better makes you feel better which then transfers to all other parts of life. How other people see you.. healthier and happier. You will have gotten a boost. Peoples perception of you changes. Small but true.

Once in a while its an experience to let someone order for you. Of course as long as you know them and then have an idea of the things that you like. It doesn't happen often but when it does there's a feeling like a kept woman.

Imagine that? Me, kept. HA