406- Death by neglect.

A couple of weekends ago, I had plans to go out with D and I was looking forward to it. Really looking forward to it. It seemed that, at the time we were spending less and less time together. Talking less and less. Life happens, yes. Call me a girl but I like it when I get to spend time with someone that I like. I like touching them, seeing them, talking to them and so on.

None of my senses were being satisfied by D because of busy and conflicting schedules. So after looking forward to spending time with him and it being a while since we last did. I took extra care of myself. I prepared myself, mentally and physically. I took the process of getting ready for the night out and turned it to anticipation. With the application of lotion on my body, I thought of his hands touching me everywhere, feeling and enjoying the feel of how silky smooth everything is to touch. With the stroke of color against my lips and cheeks I thought of what it would look like a little bit smeared as we kissed. While slipping on a brand new pair of stilettos I imagined the line of my body pressed against his while  only wearing the shoes. I admired the line of my naked body and what the shoes did for it and debated what to wear. Carefully choosing something that left the imagination wondering what I had on underneath. I dressed. 

And I wondered at how I was going to make it out in public if my libido took over before being seen with him. Out. In public. Anticipation, I told myself its all part of it. And at the end of the night and after being teased throughout the evening. Alone together in the bedroom is where we can relish in coming together in a mad rush of want. Of bodies pressed against each other, of nibbles and licks throughout and all over each others bodies. Hands exploring and tongues dueling. I looked forward to it all. I imagined it all happening as they have in the past and I looked forward to the night. 

I took satisfaction in the product of my preparations. Hair soft and silky flowing down my back and framing my face where I applied minimal color, only emphasizing my eyes and lips. A little fragrance applied to various locations on my body like behind my ears and in between my breasts. 

I let my imagination play out scenarios. I wondered if we would make it out of the house before tearing our clothes off. Its happened before. Maybe again? Perhaps. Maybe we'll go out and enjoy each other as usual and heighten the want and need in each other that we find a secluded area and come together in silent oblivion. Could we wait until we come back and leave a trail of clothes from the front door to the bedroom. Would we make it to the bedroom even? Anything is possible. That thought made me smile. 

That smile was taken away by the long wait of nothing. Not a phone call, not a text, not a doorbell ringing. All the anticipation, for nothing. All the preparation, for no one. 

A little part of me died that night. A part that was special and just for D. I realized in the time that I waited for something, anything that I was in a quasi relationship by myself.. with D. I knew and realized that we werent 'together' together. That when we met and decided it would be light and fun. Good times. I realized that night that it wasnt that anymore. It became something else, something that I didnt agree to and something that I no longer recognized or wanted. 

So I decided that night to let things die between us. I wouldnt go out of my way to make things happen, make things good or special. I would just... plainly... leave things alone. I wouldnt yell or scream or be 'that girl' I would just let things .... die. Let things become what they really were and that was nothing special. 

Since that night I havent talked to him. He hasnt called me to apologize or explain what happened. Or if he has called theres been no messages left to listen to. I havent called him either, theres nothing for me to talk about. Something in me died that night for him, for us. So I feel no emotion when I think of talking to him. There would be no emotion behind my words if we did speak. Death by neglect. Thats how it feels. For something that I thought was special, I have received texts from him to the effect of 'hope you have a nice day' , where I replied you too and some  'thinking of you' which I dont reply to. My replies have been 4 words or less usually consisting of 'thanks you too' 

But now and for the last few days I wonder how Im to mourn this loss. Do I climb into myself and closet myself away from life. Do I go out and use someone elses body to help me forget or do I let time heal. Perhaps it will be a mix of the options above. 

318 - sinking in.. Florida

D and I talked before he left. I felt a little out of sorts talking about it as I wasn't sure what I could and couldn't talk to him about. In the end I let it all out and he was OK with it all. He understood. He felt bad that there were things that he couldn't help with but he would try to see what he could do.

I told him that it was good enough that he listened. That I wasn't sure who I could talk to about any of that seeing that it had to do with the both of us. I asked him silly things like if there was anything between us. If there was anything between us that would last. If in a few years we would be something more than what we are now.

I told him that I miss sleeping with someone. Not sex. Just someone to lie in bed with sometimes. I miss the closeness I guess, the intimacy with him. We have other moments together Its just not all the moments. I told him I knew that he wouldn't be able to. I told him I knew that it was important for him to be there when Little D gets up in the morning. I told him that it was part of the attraction for me that he had Little D and that I find him a fantastic Dad.

I told him that I knew he wouldn't be able to spend the night because of that and I understood. I just wanted to know if he thought about it... and in my mind I thought Id be pleased if the least he said was yes hes thought about it and if he was able to he would. Just hearing him say it would make me feel better.

My question to him was. If you could would you want to? I got from him, 'I completely understand where you're coming from and its not out there that you have been thinking about it. I knew this issue would come up sometime but I wasn't sure when. You don't know how much I want to and there will be times with this schedule that I will be able to stay until the wee hours of the morning. I will be leaving to be home for when Little D gets up. That's important to me too.'

Throughout the conversation I cried. I cried because it was nice to talk to him about it. It felt good. I cried because of his answers and how much I needed to hear him say things that I only thought of. I cried because I didn't have to hide it.

I asked him if thought I was totally out of line asking these questions and even if he thought they were he said 'no not at all. I'm glad you talk to me about these things it helps us work it out together and keeps it all on the table.'

We somehow went to talking about arrangements like these and I asked him if this is how it usually goes. He didn't know how to answer that and I asked him how what we have is different from the others that he has had. He told me that they don't usually last this long. That they usually don't understand that Little D is his #1 and that it doesn't usually last past a month or so.

He said he would understand if I didn't want to continue the arrangement that we have and if I wanted to just be friends then that's OK with him. He says that's not what he would do but he would understand. He said hes happy with how things are between us and he wants to make sure that I am OK and comfortable with it all. If not then we can just.. be friends.

He said that what we have is new to him too. Its nice to know that its uncharted territory for the both of us. In the end I admitted that the realization that there might not be a future between us was sinking in. I cried, he listened.

It wasn't the greatest conversation but it was one that felt liberating. I don't know how things will be when he gets back. I do miss him. I miss his voice. The phone calls to and from each other. I miss his body. I miss what he does to mine.

I'm cant make a commitment to someone that cant do the same for me. I do have feelings for him and I don't think that will change. I do need to continue on. Ill always be there for as long as he wants me in his life. Hell be in mine as long as he wants to. I don't see myself throwing a friendship away.

He sent a few text messages yesterday and that was nice. I told him to have fun and not to do anything I would do and his reply was really? I can do all that?

Cheeky huh? LOL

In continuing on. I will be going to Florida sometime in early February with M3 for a couple of days if our schedule works out. We will meet each other there.

Cheesecake with AR last night went really well. Hope to see more of each other in the near future.

Got a phone call from Brazil who was in New Brunswick visiting his parents. He was in Ottawa but didn't have my phone number so he wasn't able to find me. He doesn't know where I live either. It was nice to hear from him and to know that Ive been on his mind a lot. He is thinking of moving back but isn't sure of when.

Things are looking up. D will be back Monday. We'll see how things go.

304 - my mistake

I was talking to my sister yesterday and I mentioned one of my ex's, MDR. He lives in San Jose. We were together for a little over 3 years. I haven't talked to him in longer than that. He said it just hurt too much to continue anything.

Heading back to California made me think of him and I had a thought to call him up. Then I thought OK call and say what exactly? After 'hello' of course.

I wouldn't be uncomfortable. I'm just thinking that he might find it strange and there's nothing worse than knowing I make someone else uncomfortable. The exception of course is when its the sexual kind of discomfort that is followed up by good sexual tension which leads to well. you get the idea.

At the moment I'm not planning on getting in touch with him as I don't even know if I have the number around. Much less remember it I know the area code is 408... and I'm not even 100% sure of that.

I guess I'm just curious about a lot of things.

So a little bit of a panic to be thrown into todays post. I called the passport office to inquire about the status of my application. It was supposed to be mailed out for delivery on Dec 11th. I am hopeful that I will get the passport prior to leaving as it is essential that I have it otherwise I wont be able to fly due to the new rules to fly into and through the US.

It has yet to be printed as far as D knows. This is what they told him about his passport. He went a week ahead of me which doesn't bode well for me. His is already 5 days late in being sent out and I hope... that's all I can do is hope.

I know its my own fault that this is happening. I really wasn't planning a trip at this time and it only came about after I sent my application in. I know that it might all work out and I will just be worried about nothing... though it could be something huge as I wont be able to

A- Enjoy the take off and landing
B- Fly with my sister
C- See my Dad
D- Get away from the cold winter
E- Meet new people.
F- Just get away from 'my so called life'
G- Have a possible make out session at my layover in Chicago. With J
I - Have my imagination run away with total strangers at the airport
J- Leave it all behind
K- See my Dad
L- Be a part of the scenic view at the nude beach
M- get my money back for the flight
O- Do any type of shopping

There are more things that I will miss but I didn't want to think of the rest as that would just be helping me down the rabbit hole.

I'm debating now whether to even pack. I eventually will... just in case. There's no point in beating myself up now if I don't know what will happen so Ill just prepare. Either way I will make a trip to the airport Either I'm flying out or Ill be driving my sister so she can fly out.

Expect the worse hope for the best?

Cross your fingers!

299 - being insecure

I was looking forward to seeing D and doing things to D that are only described in books that have a covers of a half naked men who have wind blown hair and is standing on a shipwreck...

After working at J3 and coming home, tired with achy feet. I took a bath to relax. Walked The Big Dog and put on some music. I thought of taking a nap so I'm that much more energized but that didn't happen.

D calls during one of his breaks and we talk about this and that. I asked him teasingly what his plans were after work and he said home to bed. Seriously. I knew then he wasn't planning on coming over. We talked for a few more minutes but I was already bummed and just wanted to get off the phone.

He asked me if I was getting sleepy as I was being quiet. I said 'yes I was' and that I was going to go to bed soon. I really wasnt but knew that I should get some rest. Plus I was bummed. He had to pause at that as usually I stay up and have energy until hes done or close to him being done because we talk and text each other about everything and nothing which seems like everything.

He tells me if I'm still up later and feel like talking to call him. I say OK but don't really plan on it at all. I feel a bit angry, mad and sad at the same time. More than that I felt a little defeated and insecure. All because he wasn't coming over.. If there were other things I wasnt paying attention I was just focusing on the fact that he wasn't coming over when he said he was.

In bed. Trying to figure out why I was getting teary over this. I wasn't going to call him. No. I was thinking of turning my phone off for the night but I need my alarm so I leave it on.

I lay in bed wondering all sorts of things and

The texts and conversations of the night...

D - Friday lunch at your place if you want

I don't reply back to that.

D - Wow no reply

Darling - Just bummed. Don't worry about Fri at lunch. I know you've got things to do you're working also on Sat. No worries I'm good.

D - I'm disappointed :( :( :(

Darling - I don't see why, but don't be.

D - R U cutting me off?

I don't reply to that as I wasn't thinking of that at all. Which makes me wonder if hes thought of that. I guess I didn't try hard enough not to reply or answer calls. Its just not me to ignore someone that I like. Ive no problem if it was someone that I didnt want

D - Really no lunch on Friday?

D - Really no lunch on Friday?

Darling - Cutting you off?

I wanted to know if he thought I would cut him off? Maybe one day ...aybe.. but it wasnt that time.

D - Really no lunch on Friday?

Darling - Why do you want to do lunch on Friday

D - If you don't want to its OK

Darling Not that I don't want to. I just don't want to feel like you're throwing me a bone. I also know usually do things on Friday. U probably feel a bit bad about not telling me sooner that you're not coming over tonight...

Darling - I don't know why you though I was cutting you off

Darling I'm usually the one who is throwing myself at you and being turned down. Should I be asking you that question?? I need a hug

This is where he calls me...

D - Hi, how are you?

Darling - (after a pause) OK ( I don't sound OK but I'm trying. I'm just sad)

We talk about him thinking I was going to cut him off as he thought I was just brushing him off about meeting him on Friday. I told him it was interesting as that was the first time I said no and that's the conclusion that he came to.

After a while of me thinking that cannot be the only time Ive ever said no to sex. I got a bit down and felt like bawling and didnt say much but I think he could hear me sniffling a little bit.

D - Are you going to bed?

Darling - (after another even longer pause) yes

D - (pausing) well... OK... umm... good night...

Darling - (whispers) bye

Back to text messages....

D - I don't want you to be sad

Darling - I know you don't. Its OK Ill bounce back in a bit. I'm good like that. Just a bit confused about all these texts.

D - Really

Darling - Kinda U?

D - Ya not sure whats happening, confused

Darling - R U just saying that? At least its not just me

This is where he calls me again and we talk. I tell him I'm sorry for being a downer. I was looking forward to seeing him that night. He explained why he wasn't able to. Not that he didn't want to. He does, there are other things to think of like sleep and energy for the next day and other things. Fine that's OK. I wont tell him what staying up until past midnight does to me. Its my choice to do that and I shouldn't bring that up.

I tell him I don't want to be monopolizing his time or be annoying. He tells me that he really likes spending time with me and that I'm not at all annoying. I tell him that I feel a bit insecure, he tells me I shouldn't.

He tells me that he was worried that I wanted to end things with him and he didn't want that at all. I told him I wasn't thinking that and I was wondering if he was trying to do the same. No. We both weren't. Though...??

He apologized about not being able to come over that night. I told him I was bummed because I had things.. planned. He said he was sorry for not telling me sooner and that he wasn't sure about the plans to come over that night. Which is where I reminded him of his selective memory to which I repeated almost word for word the conversation we had about plans for that night. He felt bad about me feeling bad.

All too cutesy. Which made me smile and feel better.

I ended it with these texts...

Darling - I'm restless now and I cant sleep anymore.

Darling - Sorry if I offended you. I didn't mean to

This is where he calls me...

'Hi, I cant talk long. I just wanted to make a suggestion...'

Well I was all for his suggestion and had a darn good time going through with it. There are only a couple of things that can get rid of the restlessness...

This morning after he called me I sent him a text message letting him know that if its still on the table to meet for lunch, that I would meet him. I also made some sexy comment to go along with it and that made him cal me to let me know that we would be getting together for sure.

I also sent him another one after that call letting him know to be gentle as I'm shy. My way of tell him him that I still...

285 - a little nervous

I'm a little nervous today. I'm not 100% sure why. Just one of those uneasy feelings in my tummy.

It could be and these are reasons that might be why.

I know D is having a 'discussion' with someone about something that's very important to him and I know that I had a hand in it. Not purposely but inadvertently.

I have my doctors appointment today. I hope everything checks out OK.

Ive told work about the appointment with my Doctor but I didn't mention all the other things I have to do afterwards. Ill mention that the time frame is unknown for how long Ill be gone so that might make me feel better.

Those are the major things I'm thinking could be contributing to my unease for the day.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Random thoughts that are going through my mind this morning.

Reminder that Ill be bartending tonight, Friday night and possibly one day this weekend.
Ill have to write up a list of things to do so I get them done and don't fall behind.

The Big Dog is looking a bit sad as Ive been busy lately and I know I miss her and shes probably thinking the same. Things will die down soon I think.

Halloween is one night where ladies get to play out fantasy roles by dressing up a little bit riskier. Its interesting to me what people choose to go as as I think it might be an indication of what kind of underlying silent wants they have in mind. Just a thought.

Bumping into people after get a great haircut and looking fabulous is such an adrenaline rush.

A friend of mine recently got a part time job working in a Wine Store where she gets to try a bottle of wine a week. This is going to be the start of a fantastic self taught wine course. Which I would like to follow up with an actual bona fide class.

The Wine and Food show at The Congress Center is not only a great place to learn about wine and interesting food. Its also a great place to meet people. Also known as A Meat Market.

Nov 3rd and 4th. Ive yet to decide which day I will attend and with whom. My sister is a likely choice though, we shall see how our schedules work.

Advice
Dress to impress ladies.
Steer clear of the Screech.
Also steer clear of the opposite sex... not all of them.. just those that are...
- slurring
- wavering... while standing.
- vomiting
- loud and obnoxious... impaired by alcohol or not, they should be avoided.

Ive been a little off with replies to any emails. I'm starting back up with them and there's a good sized chuck of guilt hanging on my shoulder. I believe that if someone takes the time to send me an email they deserve a reply. It meant that someone thought of me for a moment or few and I should return the same courtesy.

I think its because I feel a little bit boring and don't feel like I have anything exciting to share or talk about. Such is life. A big ball of perception.

One of the girls I work with is turning out to be someone that is really cool/fun. Maybe once I leave this company we'll be able to hang out every so often.

One of my male coworkers has just been hit with a meteor of a whammy. The girl hes been in love with for the past say 4 years just told him that she is pregnant. Hes come to me for advise. I told him I'm not qualified. I might confuse him even more. He still wanted to hear it so I gave it to him and now I find myself with a lost puppy. Looking to focus his attentions on someone else.

I hope the direction of his focus is not Yours Truly. On a few occasions there have been remarks to that effect to which I have ignored and failed to respond to. Hes in a fragile state and I don't know how delicate I need to be. Sometimes I'm not so delicate in my words even though I mean them to be.

Who knew!?!?!

I hope that getting my passport will bring forth a vacation of some sort. You know what they say. Thinking of it is the first step to making it happen. Ive thought. Ive done. Ive yet to get the tickets. :)

Oh and I guess Ill have to pay rent sometime soon. The good news and bad news? I could have been collecting air miles since Ive moved in and havent as Ive been using a different bank card to pay for rent. Silly me. Ill be taking advantage now that I know :)

Hope everyone had a Safe and Happy Halloween!

282 - closer and closer

I know Ive been lacking in my posts. I apologize. Ive got tons of posts started that just needs a bit more work. Not having the Internet at home really doesn't help.


On the work front. Things are going well at work. I find myself looking forward to leaving. Ive been with this company going on 5 years and its just time for a change. This new position I'm vying for is something that I'm not 100% sure of. But change is good and this will be a change.


I'm nervous about it but there's a training period and its a wait and see kind of situation. If I don't get the position then that's OK. Ill just be here until I find something else. Ive heard of people doing it the opposite way. Leave the current job first then find something after. I'm not that much of a risk taker so Ill do it this way.

On the family front. My aunts who I haven't seen for more than 15 years will be spending the Christmas holidays with us. I think this will be the first time in a very long time that all the sisters will be spending a holiday together. It will be nice but it will also be very strained as I'm sure being a family get together. Ill be subjected to spending time with someone I would rather not.


My sister is thinking of moving to San Diego. She'll be able to do her class work by correspondence which comes in handy. I'm not sure of the timeline that shes looking at. This depends on when her boy friend gets accepted to teach English in Japan. Its all a wait and see.


My dad is in Puerto Rico and will be there for a while. I sent him an email asking him if hes been following the news of the fires in San Diego. I asked him if his place was affected and Ive yet to hear back from him. I know hes busy so I'm not worried. I am worried about his place there and how things are if its in the area of the fires.


Its my dads Birthday this Friday. We've got a package to send him but seeing as hes in Puerto Rico. We'll be holding on to it until hes back home.


My brother is planning on getting the new Xbox 360. I asked him what his plans were for the one he will be replacing and Ive somewhat convinced him that its new home should be my apartment. I'm not a huge fan of video games. Though I do like fighting games like Street fighter. I don't play long or often, for when I do, my thumb muscles get tired quickly and sometimes cramp up.

The Big dog and I ran through an new area where there's lots of bushes and shrubbery for her to inspect. I think something bit her tail as there looks to be a bug bite of some sort which drives her bonkers. Bonkers as in running around chasing her tail. Makes me shake my head and smile at her silliness.


Speaking of dogs. My sister has asked me to take care of hers when she moves and I do and I don't. I feel bad as it is not being home for The Big dog and having another one will just double the guilt. We shall see. Maybe I could make a bid for her fish. Though I think shes planning on making them a package deal. Dogs and fish go together.


One of my girlfriends. The one in The Penalty Box seems to have redeemed herself somewhat. I have yet to remove her from TPB which seems to work because when shes not in it, things seem to fall to the wayside. I'm bringing dinner over tonight and shes making the pina coladas. She didn't make it right. Its mostly alcohol but that's how we like it. It really packs a punch.


I told her it wont be a late night tonight as Ive got the next stage schedule for tomorrow. I imagine Ill be in bed by 9:30-10pm tonight. Bright and early tomorrow at 8am is when Ive got to be on the ball. Ive warned her Ill just be having 2 drinks and nothing more.


Lunch with D today. Ive left it up to him today. He gets to decide what to do. I'm happy either way. That is if we go to a restaurant for lunch or if we go Chez Darling. Its pretty interesting, all this. How I teeter sometimes from one side to the other. I'm amused by it all and I'm aware theres a risk for something that I might not like but there's also the benefit for something pleasant. Who knows?


I'm not in the market for a relationship. D and I are both in agreement with that. We each have our own reasons for it. So its neat that were OK with how things are. I know I might, sort of, could complicate things by fairy taling it. Though I think in time it will just as things do. Fizzle.


I'm aware I do it though and bring myself back to reality. The only person I share it with is my sister and well... of course you.

So its well after lunch as you can tell and D and I had an interesting conversation. If I get this new job. D and I will be coworkers. Ive never fooled around or been with a coworker and neither has he and we both go by the no hanky panky with co workers. This puts me in a funny pair of slippers and I'm kind of sad.

Ill still want to be with him and I still want to get the job. Another case of wanting to have my cake and eat it too. He says we'll see. I'm OK with it if it has to come to that but I wont be ecstatic about it. I mean. Who would be?

Just another thing to think about which makes it interesting. I cant complain too much. I have my health, my home, friends and family and if worse comes to worse. Ill have BOB around more often than not.

Tomorrow is another big day in the me getting the new job dept. So keep me in mind and send me good, calm and focused thoughts :)

Closer and closer...

280 - that girl

There's something wrong with me. I'm up and down today and it just hit 9am.

Had a conversation with D which I really enjoy. Thinking about it Id be tickled if he called me once and just recited the A-B-C's. I like his voice. Which incidentally is the exact same text message that I sent him yesterday. For which I was rewarded by a phone call. Ahh pleasure. It sends ripples through me that doesn't seem normal sometimes.

SO back to the topic of conversation. Hes planning a trip... that doesn't include me. Sadly. I'm a fan of taking trips and recommend it to anyone. What bothers me about this trip that hes planning, is that hes going to see a girl. In Venezuela. I'm not usually a jealous person. But damn does this ever tie my panties in a knot.

I cant say anything about it. Things that I cannot but Ive thought of saying.
'Please don't go there to see her' and I'm just a bit pathetic to continue on with the things Id like to say but never will. In some cases its a good idea to keep my mouth shut. I think this case is one of them. For a couple of reasons.

1 - I don't want to scare the guy
2 - I don't want him to think that I'm getting ... clingy.
3 - That there's more to this that I'm letting on.

Which now that I look at those means that

A - I clearly want him to be scared
B - That I am clingy
C - That there is more to it than I am letting on

What oh what to do. I didn't say anything. Throughout his monologue of how, when, where and costs and all that. I just listened and hmm'd and ooohhh'd at all the appropriate moments.

What is it about this girl that he talks about. She doesn't bother me. Its not her fault. Its not even his fault... but really does he not know that I like him and hearing him talk about this girl who sends him emails letting him know she cant wait to see him makes a little green monster come out? am I just wanting something that I'm not even sure I want. How insane is that?

I want it but at the same time I don't want it. Is it enough for me that I have what I do have with him? Yes. But what of more? Is it possible? or even reasonable. Have I put myself in a position where there is no forward movement left, no anything.

How is it that I get myself into these things? I feel like I'm in limbo. I set myself straight sometimes by reminding myself that some people come into my life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I have no control over these things. Or do I? Some I think. But In order for things to work out.. I guess the other person has to want similar things.

So I'm kind of bummed about this whole thing. For reasons and details that I haven't shared yet. I took a step back and thought that I'm just as bad or worse. Ive still got The Soup. I don't know if the little green monster rears its ugly head when I talk to him about it ... not in detail.. but general... PG rated information.

So the upside to this morning? I get an email from N...

'Hey sexy little lady... I'm coming to town on Wednesday ...do you want to get together? I'm busy working during the day but I'll be staying in the south end. Care to have a drink and more??? N'

So that's what Ill be doing on Wednesday night. Maybe. Its a reality check of sorts. That and routine maintenance. Though Ill be getting together with D in a couple of hours for routine maintenance as well.

I've been thinking too much about things that I may or may not be able to control. Trips to Venezuela, feelings of inadequacy, fidelity and just plain confusion.

Deep down I want him to care enough to tell me he cares. Sometimes actions speak louder than words. Ive mentioned it on 2 occasions that I got the bum deal (not in those words but along those lines) That I seem to not be included in certain parts of his life. He has a plan which I respect but that doesn't mean I want to be kept in the dark about whether I'm in the plan or not. Again if its something that I wont be happy with Id rather not know.

Which begs the question. Why do I want to be part of the plan. Is it because I want to be part of the plan or because the idea of being a part of someones life is appealing. Or is it that I don't have a plan of my own that makes someone with a plan attractive. Or is it that the plan is sound and I want in on it.

I don't want him to think that

1 I'm rushing anything
2 That I'm ready for uber serious

I have no idea

1 what he thinks sometimes
2 if he wants me in his life in any capacity in 6 weeks, months or years.

I guess its good this way as

1 it keeps things interesting
2 keeps me guessing.

Now I'm off for some personal maintenance.. car maintenance Ill be discussing with my mechanic shortly. That involves, tires, brakes and other things.

Have a fantastic Tuesday.

This post has been all over the map. I apologize and to summarize. I'm kind of jealous of this Chicky from Venezuela, who I'm sure is pretty and has a fantastic tan. I'm also a bit jealous of their relationship but I know that things out of my control are just that. Out of my control and I shouldn't let that bother me.

I feel a bit hypocritical as I have The Soup as far as I know he has this Chicky who lives in another country. Though there's a connection there which is strong enough to last :) Its probably nothing but I cant help feel like its a lost cause if I wanted something to happen between us...

I think I might just have to concede that I'm just not that girl...


Maybe

276 - brain freeze

So far so good on being 28. Ive been spending time with family and friends. Things are looking bright and I feel positive about things.

I applied for a position that requires a series of tests and interviews that I need to pass before I find out if I have the job. Its a bit of a belated present but I got confirmation that I was successful in stage 2. I am now waiting to hear when I go to the next stage.

I was quite sure that there was no chance that I did well in stage 2. I walked out not confident about how I did and how the results would turn out. Its a bit dis concerning not to have that surety or even an idea of how you did.

Should the results have been negative and there is still a possibility that at one of the stages I wont be successful. Ill be bummed and take it personally. Lets hope that doesn't happen. I know its not personal its just a matter of being a fit and if the shoe doesn't fit. Onto the next shoe.

Its interesting and a very good thing, interesting really as I'm not sure what made it happen. I saw D for lunch on my birthday. I told him it what day it was and it wasn't awkward at all. Really fun, especially with the margarita I had.

Then Yesterday I saw him for drinks after he was done work. I met with D after I was with my friend who even though we were able to hang out. It wasn't very fun. Girls night does not include the boyfriend and the boyfriends children.

I wasn't expecting to see him at all or have him ask me if I wanted to go out for drinks. It was a good time and I needed to end the day on a good note. Ending the night with sex would have ended it on a great note but it wasn't to happen. Though I did ask and it was sweetly declined with a promise to come over another night.

Sometimes I know what his answer will be and yet I still ask. I'm not bummed when I hear what I already know. I just tease him with it afterwards. Its fun and flirty and we laugh a lot. However it is a huge treat when his answer is something I wasn't expectating.. but I really was expecting :)

Darling - I was just wondering and I think I need to be reminded every so often. What is this?

D - What do you mean?

Darling - Never mind

D - You mean this.. us?

Darling - yes

D - I don't know. I mean I like you. I like hanging out with you. Because of xyz I cant do more than that.

Darling - You aren't married right?

D - No not at all

Darling - OK Just making sure.

D - What about you?

Darling - I like you... which makes it hard for me to sleep with other people. I mean I like hanging out with you too.

D - I cant stop you if you do. That's something I cant ask of you because I cant have more than this.

Darling - I know you would be OK with 123 and not 456

D - I have no problem if you brought 123 to your place. Just don't bring 456.

Darling - Its not that simple.

D - I'm not sleeping with anyone except you. There's no other woman.

Outside by our cars. We kiss. There's a lingering in the kiss which doesn't always happen. I think we both have feelings that havent been shared with each other. For me anyway, I know there is. If I can wax poetic for a moment It felt like a message. A silent plea for something to be understood. If it cant be said, the kiss is the vehicle to make it understood.

I understand all right. I understand that I can get pretty wishy washy at times. I second guess myself. I don't know if its him that I want. I certainly don't mind the package that comes with him as far as who is in his life. Its just him and what hes looking for.. even if what hes looking for can only happen in 5 years. I kind of want to be what hes looking for. Why? I don't know.

So my reply was a bit off the wall wasn't it? Out of all the things I could have said why that? Brain freeze

That's another post.

270 - as of late

Friday.

Date night.. technically not a date. I just call it a date. Not to his face but here :) In the privacy of my little corner of cyberspace. With you because I know you wont go running to anyone that I know.

Started of well. Looked extra fantastic. Ill leave it to your imagination as to what I was wearing underneath my clothes. Looked good, smelled great, felt superb.

Met with D and we ordered and talked and laughed and teased.

Then I see a number on my cell phone that I dont recognize. I pick up thinking should I? Soemthing tells me yes. I do. Its my Aunt. Shes called to tell me that the procedure my Gramma got done (hysterectomy) went well. Though during the procedure she had a heart attack and was rushed to the Heart Institure in Ottawa. I got the relevant information.

Eyes got teary when D asked me if I was ok. I told him what happened and he gave me a hug. I wont go into how much I needed one.

I left, got lost and eventually found myself calling my sister telling her what happened. I went to pick her up and we both went on a journey to find parking.

Shes ok. Looks good. They inserted a stunt/stint? which took care of the clots and the clogged area. D's Dad was at the Heart Institute when he had a heart attack and he was telling me it was the ebst place to be for that.


Left Gramma to sleep and drove everyone home. Walked The Big Dog and finally went to bed at 2am.

Saturday.


Slept in. Thankfully. Made breakfast. Looked at myself in the mirror while questioning my life due to recent events to someone elses life. It feels a bit surreal. Someone I know and am related to is in the hospital... again.


I dont do well with sickness and things like this. My Aunt was diagnosed with Cancer and I felt awkward about it. Nothing to do with them. Its me.


My thoughts are not right. My thoughts go to mind over matter. Or is that called avoidance, ignorance, escapism? Just convince your body its not riddled with cancer cells. Youll be fine. Tell your heart to clean itself out. Breathe in the good clean air, acclimatize yourself to allergens so you wont react. Is ignorance really bliss? Sometimes.

If anything ever happens to me that I cant control. What will I do then? I dont want to think about it.

D brought up having a will. How morbid. Though I should have one. I think Ill make it a group activity. Bring everyone together and give them packages so we can get it all done at the same time so we know that weve done it and nothing is left to ... after... should it...

Was on the phone on and off with D. He was at work and invited me to visit him as he was bored. I thought that was sweet. I didnt as I was heading to another visit and then off to my own work.

Was really tired after work. Drained. I havent felt that way in a long time. Body felt tight and it felt like I havent been horizontal in weeks. I decided to just lay down for a few minutes and my body sighed in relief when I did.

I took a nap and was up and ready to go meet with D. I know. we were going out again. More food and drink. Must do more situps. We bumped into one of his friends and I wasnt introduced. I didnt know how to react so I was just there. Wondering if I was going to be introduced. It was funny as as Im getting out of the car that night I was thinking of what would happen if we bumped into one of his friends and what would happen. Well now I know.

It bothered me for all of 5 minutes and then I didnt think about it again. Until now. But it doesnt bother me. Its just one of those things I can shake my head at.

Drinks were really good. Mango Cremesicle Martinis. At the price they were asking it was worth it. Though On occasion not always as that would put a dent in my savings

Sunday.

Stayed home, relaxed in the morning. Went with my sister to visit my Gramma. Left for an early dinner and then ended up late for work. Thats ok. I still got everything done and managed to leave early.

Talked to D throughout the night and fell asleep after my bath.

254 - willing to admit

D - You are quiet today

Darling - :) wasn't sure if you were sleeping and didn't want to wake you if you were. That and I'm feeling great and I might have ended up telling you I think of you entirely way too much.

D - Wow

Darling - I know I know TMI.. I care so I share. Not meant to freak you out or anything. It is what is it The truth and don't feel put on the spot unless its a good one for you.

D - Not sure how to respond to that hmm

Darling - lol you don't have to in any way. Sometimes I share things that I should keep to myself. Maybe this was one of them.

D - Not on the spot but just not aware

Darling - Now you are and its OK. Nothings changed..at least on my end... really should censor myself more... If you're not cool with it.

D - No at least I know and that is a good thing

Darling - you knowing? or what I sent?

D - Me knowing

Darling - K the good thing is you'll always end up getting the scoop on where I'm coming from and while I'm shooting myself in the foot.. I do like you... enough to flat out say it. I also like things the way they are. Anyway don't think about it too much. Its all good. lol That's it for now. Ill stop

Being on the receiving end of someones affections is always harder than being the one to show affection.

Its easier to do the liking and telling because then its out in the open and out of my hands. The truth is out there and really. The truth shall set you free. Theres a big sigh of relief and the calm settles. Now whether its the calm before the storm or the calm after the world has righted itself is another story.

I just know that I can sleep really well during my nap time this afternoon. I wont be all giggly because I like someone. I wont be all anxious trying to figure out what will happen later. Whatever happens happens. I wont be questioning myself and my actions.

As long as I remain true. As long as you remain true to who you are then it cant be wrong.

I could have kept it to myself but I figured why not?

If he turns tail and runs then it shows a few things.l If he sticks it out then cool. It shows other things. Its a risk that I'm willing to take. I mean it still could happen that what I just did really isn't cool with him and that things will become D-less after a while.

Which I know is OK as my life will continue on and someone else may be the focus of all my goodness. But for now. Ill enjoy what Ive got.

In all honesty. I'm kind of a hypocrite. Someone within the past month told me he was ind of crazy about me a little bit. But because I wasn't interested I told him he was crazy and haven't talked to that person in a long time. Hes a coworker. Not my type, but nice guy. For someone else. Not me. We move, talk and live on a whole different set of speed and I only have so much patience per person at one time.

So If I get that same fate then Its just karma coming around to give me my due. But That's not to say the other things that are coming around full circle aren't also coming around at the time.

Had a conversation with D after my mid afternoon nap and basically... he wants to make sure that I don't get too attached. He doesn't want anyone to get hurt. Well he doesn't want me to get hurt because he sees me getting more and more attached. I said that was nice and I also made sure he knew that he would be the first to know if he should be worried.

I thought ...

First. That there really wont be anywhere that this goes.

Second. I'm glad I have a good healthy appetite for Soup.

Third. I'm not getting all girly about being told indirectly that its not going to go there for him.

Fourth. I'm OK with it.

Fifth. I should call K and let him know tonight would be a good night for him to come over.

Sixth. Remind myself that I should stop writing plots and subplots that may never happen.

Seventh. I'm still happy about sharing. Ill never stop. Its who I am. Open and honest.

Eighth... I think I'm finally willing to admit things i'll keep to myself for now.

He said he didn't want to see me get hurt. I said that I'm not that attached. I like him but I am talking to other people, meeting them and not banking on a relationship with him. The reasons to meet other people and go out have yet to be determined. But I am meeting them.

Even though its not the greatest conversation to have its one of the best in that its honest and we both know where we both stand.

The girl in me needs a hug. The woman in me is relieved that I'm still loose in a noose of my own making. The man in me wants to take some names and kick some ass.

----------------------------------

Happy Friday to all of you. I love long weekends. I don't have anything planned aside from work at J3. I'm sure something will come up. Oh and next weekend on Sunday to be exact I'll be serving drinks for the afternoon for a family reunion being held by my former employer.

Roughly 40+ people, there will be a performance by Elvis... yes thats right Elvis, a DJ and 2 BBQ's for meats and kebabs. Should be fun. There's also the pool to which I've been invited to use as well. We shall see.

I've also managed to bring one of my Gf's to serve with me so it should be fun. She's looking forward to some extra cash so it should be a great ol' time

I've been to the casino and forgot to mention that I won :) :) :) All 3 times that I went :)

1? (has no name yet) sounds like fun. More to come on 1? next week.

lol Im having a fantastic day I hope everyone is as well.

Oh and Tuxbaby... Im working on it. Im finding it a tad difficult... but it will be done :)

248 - foul mood

Calling myself all sorts of stupid and anything idiotic today. Ive put myself in a foul mood. Foul Mood. FOUL MOOD.

The only way Ill feel better is to spend a whole lot of money to make it right. To make me feel better and to continue the life that I lead... normally. or as close to normal as I can manage.

Did I...

Option A - Get preggers. EEK!

Option B - Get arrested for indecent exposure. OK maybe not quite arrested... more like a slap on the bum for being so.. cheeky HA!

Option C - Drop my phone in the pool. Resuscitation was futile. There is no life in this phone.

So yeah I'm in a foul mood. Even morning sex couldn't take the cloud of frustration away. I'm sad, having all sorts of moments of self depreciation over a phone. Somethings wrong with me. Its my addiction other than doing the mambo horizontally.

I just want to crawl under the covers and sleep... in hopes of waking up beside a brand spanking new or same (but working) cell phone. If only it were that easy right?

Ill be heading to the cell phone place where I got it. Ive only had it since May 26th 2007. I'm hoping that Ill be able to get it sent out to be... blow dried? I mean what else can they do with it? I'm not sure what they can do or if it is even possible to be repaired... from water damage.

Well I guess this is the first CDA that Ive given it away in the same post what the answer was. I'm just too distraught. Overly. So much that I'm even considering asking for a hug. (sigh) Any takers? A nice solid hug, with arms that are strong, comforting and comfortable. I like hugs. By the by, I also wanted to make sure it was clear what my adventure was and that there are no big takers on Options A and B.

I need a hug. I'm tired and feel sappy.

Waking up at 430am for morning sex doesn't agree with me.. anymore. I'm not used to it since Ds schedule changed and were having less sex than before. I just want to go back to bed after work... Am I that lucky??

Nooooo... Today I have to meet... (draws a blank... doesn't want to confuse with tomorrows date...) Oh yes. I have a date with (thinks again to confirm if I'm thinking of the right person..)

Oh yes the date tonight is with B2 or is it B3? B2 I believe. Different names... it just happens to start with the same letter... Giving them numbers would just seem... wrong in a certain camp kind of way. (That's it for the negative connotation in this paragraph)

B2, coffee tonight. J, coffee tomorrow night. Incidentally, they are both at the same location. I'm not sure if that's the smartest thing for me to have done. Make it at the same place. I was thinking of going to a watering hole down the way but Ive already exhausted that location and I'm sure the waitresses think I must be the most popular thing since sliced bread. So I decided to give that place a break. Its one thing to go to the same place with the same people but if you go with different people all the time... well... you know.. Don't want anyone to get the wrong impression :)

I'm just a girl with a sometimes overbooked schedule.

OK so I had some spaghetti and I feel much better. Yes I made it. Not from scratch but it was still very good and Ive been told it tastes like it was made from scratch :) Made with love.. (awww)

Ive been told to let the phone dry out totally and bring it in to get replaced or repaired. I hope they can do that. Its been less than a year so its still under warranty. Lets hope shall we? I'm hoping it miraculously repairs itself and magically removes all charges for the rest of my life from its database LOL I know. I just want it to be OK and if its that bad then to get a new phone.

Ill be in withdrawals. I'm scared to find out how I will be without it. On my person everyday 24 hours, 7 days a week.

Don't worry... I have a backup :) When a girl knows her weakness.. she always makes sure theres a backup (wink)

Hope you all had a great weekend. Will catch up more later...

247 - distractions

Sunday

I sleep in. I have no energy. I feel numb. I stay in bed. When I get bored of my bed, I move myself to the couch. When I get bored of the couch, I get up, dressed, washed up and walk the dog for an hour. No real direction just walking.

I return home and feed The Big Dog. I wonder if she knows what happened. If she cares. Im sure she does. She looks bored too. Probably my fault. Im a big ball of boredom. We play tug of war a little bit and get her to do some tricks for treats.

Ive been told were watching a movie before I have to go work FIFA. My brother, sister and her boyfriend and I watch Harry Potter instead of 1408 as I was running a bit late and ended up in the shower when they drove up to my building. I'm usually not late. They don't give me a hard time about it but I apologize for it as its only polite.

We have buckets of popcorn and drinks. I don't eat much of the popcorn. Working in a movie theater for a few years ruined me for popcorn. It was a lot of fun to work there and get all my friends in for free.


Successfully getting my mind and body away from the apt and where The Little Ones images would affect me. They drop me off at home where I change and drive to serve beer to soccer fans. Argentina vs Mexico.

My luck? I get there and they tell me I'm in charge of my bar that night. (sigh) More responsibility. More attention to detail and more focusing required for the night. I wasn't happy about it but I got it all taken cared of. Did my counts and got my product out and ready.

The game went well. I saw some people that I hadn't seen in a while. Got their numbers and made sure my bar ran smoothly.

D and I had plans for after the game. I was looking forward to it. Very much. It feels like a long time since we've gotten together. Work had me stay a bit longer than I would like but I still made it to my place with enough time to change into something he hasn't seen me in before. More importantly, something I wanted to remove for his viewing pleasure.. which I know leads to mine.

246 - Life is Precious

Saturday


Woke up with The Little One curled up by my side. I take deep breaths and calm myself. We lay in bed together for a while until she walks to the edge of the bed wanting off. I pick her up and walk her to the bathroom where she watches me brush my teeth, wash my face and put on clothes for the walk.

Both dogs are with me outside. The Little One is sitting on the grass, nose up in the air, eyes squinted up at the sun. The Big Dog and I walk further and further away. She continues to sit. I tear up a little bit and wipe them off with the back of my hand.

We return to where she sits and I lay back staring up at the sky. I look at her and memories from when we first brought her home came to mind. Memories of her not being able to jump on the sidewalk came to mind. Playing tug of war. So many memories. I shed a few more tears and shes there beside me comforting me. Still.

I trim her nails and give her a haircut a a quick bath. I dry her off and take a quick shower myself. I get dressed all the while shes on my bed. I think this is the only time Ive ever let her sleep with me since Ive moved out to this apt. I'm glad to have had a night with her.

I make a few phone calls and head out. I bring The Little One with me. Shes on my lap her head out the window. I hope she enjoys it. I try to take the long way to get her to enjoy it as long as she can. Its her last car ride.

I meet my sister there and I go in to let them know we've arrived. The clerk asks if I want to take care of payment before. I say yes. I feel numb. I seem to be blinking a little faster. Keeping the tears away. We get her weight. Shes one pound less than the last time we came in a few weeks ago. She stays seated on the weight pad where we've placed her. She doesn't want to stand up or cant very well at this point.

My sisters dog comes to her and The Little One doesn't care much for her. She looks at me and I smile, tell her shes a good girl.

A catheter is put in one of her legs. The vet comes in and asks if we have any questions. I cant speak for fear of losing it. I shake my head. Tears are flowing now and I stay quiet. We spend some time with her. Petting her and talking out loud. To her, about her. How...

We knock on the door and the vet returns with a needle. She asks us if we are ready and want to stay. I nod my head and still cant speak for the lump in my throat wont allow it. The Little One is looking up at me and the vet injects the contents into her blood stream.

Her body sways and falls into the vets hand and shes gently laid down on her side. I still cant speak, the tears are non stop. I can barely see clearly out of them I blink the tears away. I don't have a voice. But I mouth out. I love you. One day we'll all be together. I'm sorry.

Were left alone for a few minutes with her and we all let the tears come and I have a paw in my hand. We say a prayer and wish her a safe journey.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

In an effort not to have me alone. They take me out for lunch and some retail therapy. I'm thankful for it and I am only reminded of what happened when I return home. Where I look at The Little Ones things and toys.

I go off to work, thankful that Im kept busy for another few hours. Theres a part of me that feels bad about making the decision. The other part knows that it was time and that it was the right thing to do.

Life is precious.

245 - Intimate

Fri night.

Had dinner with K at my place. Thai food. One of my favorites. Caught up on a lot of things as its been a while since Ive last seen him. He wore this black dress shirt with white vertical stripes that looked very good on him. Stylish.

Spent time with The Little One. Passed along messages from my Dad in San Diego that he loves her and misses her, that shes been a great part of the family.

I had the intentions of going for groceries after work which never happened. Dont worry I am far from starving.

I walked K down and got into my car. I went to the corner store to get a bottle of water. Walked to the DQ beside the store to use the ladies room. Drove to meet D and his friend for drinks. Much fun.

A little frustrating as D and I didnt have sex at the end of the night. Even after repeated mentions of my intentions. I left 20 minutes before they did and he noticed that I was a little 'not myself'.

I didnt want to wait until they both finished their drinks so I decided to leave. I had to have some control over something, anything obviously my libido wasnt listening to me. So I decided to leave. It was almost closing time for the place anyway. Kiss for D and a quick hug for his friend.

I walked out and didnt look back. Im home and my phone rings. Its D.

D - Youre mad arent you?
Darling - No Im not mad, really. I know you wanted to but couldnt. Im not mad.
D - If this was 3 years ago.. even 2 years ago. Things would be different.
Darling - Yeah
D - I wouldnt have let you walk out of there alone. Theres no way. I wouldnt have taken you there at all. We would just head to your place.
Darling - Theres a thought :)
...

Theres something honest and vulnerable about him during the phone call. I mean I could have been wrong. But there was something there. I know I felt assured... of something. It was a nice feeling. It felt kind of like the after sex cuddle. Intimate. Thats the word.

I pick up The Little One and take her to bed with me. I talk to her and tell her everything that doesnt get voiced with anyone else. I cry. I pull her close to me and she crawls up to my face and licks the tears away. I battle with the conflict in my mind and hold her close.

We fall asleep together. I hope tomorrow doesnt come.

243 - Rose

D - Good thing I jerked off today since we cant meet for lunch

Darling - What about me? I haven't yet today :( Unless its more fun on your own..

D - Ya not so much, always better with you

Darling - :) ahh so you do remember what its like!! JK I love how you make me cum just so you know..

D - That makes me feel good

Darling - It should (never got to send this text, I'm interrupted with him sending)

D - And I love watching you cum

Darling - You should watch more often hint hint :)

D - Its never enough is it

Darling - Enough fo (never got to send this text, I'm interrupted with him sending)

D - Never enough for you

Darling - (I send a blank text by accident Its appropriate as my tummy ins't feeling well. I'm not liking where this is going)

D - It just never seems to be enough

Darling - Its really great, I think the sex is fantastic when were together. I just want more.. when you get me going its like a snowball effe.. (I don't get to send this text as I'm interrupted with him sending)

D - Starting to think you need someone new

I don't know what to think. So I stop and don't think about it prior to dialing his number

D - hello

Darling - Whats with all that nonsense?

D -----

Darling - Is everything OK?

D - I just don't think I can satisfy you

Darling - You do though

D - It seems like its not enough. I know were not together all the time and I know that you're satisfied when we are together but the times when were not together... I know you are always wanting...

Darling - When were together its great. You're right. When were together its fantastic. You get me going and I don't want to stop. But you do stop... because you have to go. I can keep going... but its not the same without you. So I want more. If we had more time together when we do get together and you didn't have to leave right away...

D - I just don't think I'm enough to satisfy you. I think I'm getting a complex or something because of it.

Darling - Is it no longer fun for you?

D - that's not it.

Darling - oh OK (I know... hes told me when its no longer fun then it'll stop)

D - We'll talk about it more another time

Darling - OK, well... have a great day at work

D - thanks


I cant talk to my sister about this. I cant really talk to anyone about this. Its strange. What would I say? I'm seeing this guy who might want out because of my high sex drive. People would either think I am crazy and wonder what kind of high sex drive I have or think he is crazy for wanting to possibly end things with a girl who has a high sex drive.

Thoughts...

He mentioned me going with a boyfriend and I said I didn't have one of those.. did he want me to say he was my boyfriend.. or bite on that one? Nahhh that would have just scared him and I know hes not looking for anything like that.

He didn't invite me to go to Vegas with him when I put it out there. So I got the feeling hes not wanting to have more with me. I don't know, I just wanted to go to Vegas LOL

Is it even my sex drive that's an issue? I don't even know.

I probably shouldn't even continue thinking about it until we talk more about it. How can I not? ARG!! I wonder if hes thinking about what just happened at all? Or if its just my mind going a mile a minute.

I feel like calling him.

Asking him if that was his way of getting an out.

I want to tell him that I do like him but I know hes not looking for a relationship. I'm OK with that because I don't know how to be in one. I just know how to do what it is that I do. Maybe its time for relationship diarrhea? Get it all out there and see what happens.

We talked and I told him its because I am very satisfied with him sexually that I want to have sex with him often. Not that I am not satisfied. Its that I just want to be in coitus and feel that satisfied ... often.

My goodness are you reading this??? Doesn't paint a very flattering picture of me does it? (sigh) Makes me look like a horny rose. (I didn't want to be toad hence the rose)

I told him that he shouldn't feel bad. He has his own life and has things to take care of and cant be at my sexual beck and call, though it would be nice if he were. I also told him that I'm just going through withdrawals. We went from 4-5 times a week to twice a week. Give a girl a break. You cant just cut it off cold turkey and expect me not to be on the edge.

The feel good sexual feelings I have are great but they are clouding other parts of my brain and I need to put an end to that so I don't screw up what I have at the moment. Its not conventional relationship but whatever it is I don't want to yuck it up. Worse case scenario is that we never speak to each other at all. I don't know if I could handle it if there were no sex involved...

Who am I kidding... of course I could handle it. Theres always someone waiting to be the next quasi relationship right? Thank goodness I'm picky.

Hes the main ingredient at the moment. So it seems like a bigger than I make it out to be. Ive got to remind myself that I am still doing my own thing. Making plans with friends, family and I'm also meeting new people :)

Life is good.

Happy Friday the 13th :)

Choose Darlings Adventure

The last time I went to the casino I had a major EEK moment. I left my wallet in the bathroom stall. What would make me forget my wallet you ask?

Option A.
I was putting on a brand spanking new purchase of a white bikini and in my excitement left it there.

Option B.
I was so excited about the possibility of winning hundreds of dollars. I left it in there.

Option C.
I was taking off half of the bikini and wasn't paying attention because of my clever idea that I left it there.

Heading to the roulette table I reach into my purse and realize that my wallet has been left behind. I'm hoping that it is still where I left it. Theres a part of me that is thinking its been 3-4 minutes since I have been there. Praying to all the Angels and to all that is good in the world. Hoping that all the good deeds that I have done allows for personal karmic intervention.

My prayers have been answered and my wallet is the topic of discussion at the counter where 3 ladies talk about how to go about finding the owner. I tiptoe my way in and try not to attract attention as I clear my throat and in a tiny voice ... which comes out in a loud voice say 'I am so glad that its still here. Thank you so much ladies for looking after it.'

They smile seeing that its returned to its rightful owner and after a few minutes of sharing lost wallet stories I walked out smiling and with a big weight off my shoulders. I walked up to D and told him I was done gambling for the night. He looked at me incredulously and I filled him in on my great luck. He laughed at me and kissed my forehead. Ill tell you I blushed like a schoolgirl.

We went there with 2 of his friends, 1 Ive met before. The other, the shyest of them all I just met at the start of the road trip. Nice guys. Very entertaining.

I went and did my thing. Flirted with them and the other card players. Rubbed some of my good luck on them and it worked. One was down about a few hundred dollars and wasn't in a great mood as one would expect. I sat by him and made him laugh and talked to the dealer and soon his luck turned around and his cards were making his pile of chips grow.

He told me not to leave and I stayed for a while seeing him feel better and get his money back. I left him. I wanted to spread it around. By then I had a few drinks in me. Since I wasn't playing I was indulging in other.. sins.

D wasn't doing great. Wasn't doing badly either just a waiting game. We looked over at his friend and could tell that he was down again. He facial expressions and demeanor was screaming of loss. We decided to take a break and grab a bite to eat.

Interesting conversations at the table. Not sure if I should have been there to hear any of it but I stuck around so I was included and I threw in my 2 cents here and there.

After eating I decided to try my luck. I was thinking that since I was lucky enough to get my wallet back I should do well gambling.. I know. Its a lame excuse but in theory... :)

I played with D. I followed his rules and played with 100$. I was a little nervous risking it as I though I already won the jackpot getting back my wallet.


Did I....

Option A.
Play long enough to win back my 100$

Option B.
Bet it all on one number to see if I still had something left in the karmic pull.

Option C
Play and have number after number come up letting me walk out with an extra 250$

On the way back D and I sat in the back seat. As we did on the way there. This time it was dark and I had errant thoughts of going at it without the 2 in front knowing. That was unlikely. Instead we held hands. I was OK with it. It was nice. I didn't freak out. We also fell asleep together. My head on his shoulder and we ended up against each other rather comfortably.

So when we had our first date or outing as I should probably call it he tried to hold my hand and I was a little eeked about it. Three months later we hold hands on the way home from a fun road trip. I'm OK with it.

Its all in timing.
I feel kind of clueless .
I need a wake up call.
Don't let me daydream.
That will just start a snowball effect.
Of something that I might not want.

I was talking to my sister about it and told her about the history of hand holding with D and she says that I told him if without words that I wasn't interested in him as someone in my life when I didn't partake in his hand holding plan at the beginning.

That started him on the Friends W Benefits idea and so it has continued on in that fashion. Me being all girly and thinking all funky and wanting to hold hands just means that I'm comfortable with him now and can possibly think of him as someone... significant.

Oh what doe she know! :) lol I taught her a lot of what she knows. I'm such a great teacher. Its times like these where its good to share knowledge because once in a while. Its good to be reminded.

I had sex with D for lunch today. While it was very good. I was left wanting. Not quite satiated. Not quite full. I was a little disappointed and not by his performance. Not in the least. It was great. I'm just in one of those moods. Where if we had kept on going. That I would not have minded looking out the window to see that the moon was out. Forget work I need to have complete sexual satisfaction.

I wanted to be limp and breathing heavily into the bed where pillows once were and are now on the floor. I wanted to continue the ride of the great orgasm that I had. I wanted to continue to rub bodies against each other. I wanted a lot more things that might get a bit graphic for me at the moment as I am blushing away letting my mind run with errant thoughts.

I was glad to have been with him but also sad that I couldn't have what I wanted. Which was just... more.

I need the help that only The Soup can give me. I feel a little tug of hesitation in doing so but I need this to be taken cared of. Otherwise... that's all ill be thinking of.

Plan? Meeting with J tonight for coffee. If things go well... perhaps. If not.. maybe another day with him. If not. I might have to try K.

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If perchance you felt a tone of sorrow here. Its because I cant have what I want. I'm having a pouty moment and want to have my cake and eat it too.

236 - funky thought process

I'm agitated. I'm irritated and I'm more bummed than mad.

D - 'you're mad aren't you?'
Darling - 'no I'm not mad... I'm just not happy'
D - 'ourrrrghh'
Darling - 'Ive been waiting for a long time and I've been looking forward to it... I'm just bummed its not happening.'

Hes been waiting the exact amount of time but it doesn't seem to bother him as much and here is where ill go all funky thought process..

-Hes having sex with someone else which is why it doesn't bother him as much that we aren't having sex.(last night only lol)
-Hes no longer interested in sex... with me.
-He thinks I'm a fat cow and wants to have sex with someone else.
-I'm boring in bed and he wants someone that isn't.

I warned you about the funky thought process! That lasted about 5 minutes so you know. I feel better this morning and a bit silly at how I reacted. Kind of childish as it was a pout and stomp my foot moment.

Actual reason we didn't have sex last night. He had to go. Responsibilities, hes keeping his promises.

I cant really fault him for that. It shows that his word is gold. When he says something its done. Unless it involves sex with me. That's something that can be just be put on the side if something should come up. So far there hasn't been a reason that I don't agree with.

I should really apply some sort of qualification or standard when it comes to getting together with him. I should practice saying no...is that what it sounds like I meant in the previous line? Makes it sound like I never say no and that I am easy doesn't it? Think whatever you want to. I know I'm not having the amount of sex that I clearly want.

Call me a prude I have standards and I wont just jump into bed with just anyone. But when I find someone that I want to jump in bed with you can bet that its often that I want the bed jumping to happen.

Ive said it before. The more sex I have the more sex I want. Its a never ending cycle. Well that's not true. If I stop having sex then Ill still want more sex. just not as much as I would if I were already having sex.

I don't take it all personally. I know that he has things he has to do and cant always take care of me like Id like him to. If he were able to he would he says. That helps make me feel better, but you know what would really make me feel better? Having sex with him.

Its not all about sex but I cant explain it. I want to be able to but I cant. Maybe one day Ill try just for fun and just to be able to work my thoughts out into the open to see if I really am kind of twisted or just plain clueless. Other options to how it will all turn out is available and highly possible.

So no sex for me last night. Though the bartender taking care of us sure was giving me all the right signals. There were winks, secret looks down my body, kisses blown my way and I was with 2 guys. That's balls. Which I of course was highly entertained by.

On the way out. He had parked his car right in front of the pub and I around the corner. No kiss goodbye. No hug. I asked if he was coming over, he looked at his cell and said no time. I wanted to at least have a kiss and I didn't get it. Not even a peck. So when his friend was walking down to us, I just turned around and walked towards my car.

I didn't look back, I didn't care. I just wanted to scream. I couldn't out loud, so I had a mental one instead. I was all geared for sex, ready for it and wasn't getting any encouragement from him. I got in my car and looked at my cell phone thinking who should I call?

I drive and pass them on the road. I don't stop, I just wave when they see me and I keep driving. Why stop? I'm not going to get any. I'm frustrated, irritated and feel like Ive just been rejected.

Enter feeling like a cow. Short skirt I have on with heels and I know they were eyeing other ladies. I don't mind this, look all you want. Just have sex with me after, specially if we've been wanting to get together for a few days. I know I look good and don't really look like a cow otherwise I wouldn't have attracted any attention like I did when I walked into the bar. Its just one of those strange women things that come over us. Really if I could I would rather not feel that way.

My week sexually?

Sex Monday at lunch.
Tuesday, a friend spent the night. Who is the first to ever sleep over the whole night :)
Wednesday I was the recipient of some fantastic oral sex and body massage.
Thursday night held possibilities which did not materialize.
Today being Friday D asked if we could get together for lunch. I don't think it will happen. But its still early.

Weekend plan for sex? If it happens great if not then... There's always next week.

Upcoming plans? Bartending FIFA games. I caught part of the Argentina team practicing and the talent is inspiring and they looked like they were having fun which makes it all so much more appealing.

I had a fleeting thought of Hmmm Athletes. Then I reminded myself that it was FIFA Under 20. which made me laugh at myself.

Canada Day Celebrations this weekend. Long weekend, lots of get togethers, BBQs, much love, hugs and well wishes to go around. Lots of red and white to be worn. No work Monday. Hopefully some patriotic sex to finish off the celebrations :)

Happy Canada Day Everyone!!

235 - until we meet again

Thank you Darling


Please don't take this personally. I can't fall for anyone again as I felt I was for you. Just hurts too much so I have to walk away sorry.


P2

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Is it wrong to be sad that I wont have P2 in my life.
Is it wrong to be glad that I wont have P2 in my life.

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I know I'm good for him. On the other hand I know I'm bad for him.

Hes good for me period. Because hes involved in a small part of my life and not my whole life. Somewhat selfish of me but that's how this relationship works. Its not perfect when I say its good for me. Its just good for me because I don't dwell on the things that I cant control.

If anything hes been trying to break off ties for a while. Scared of falling in love with me. I told him if he does that's OK. Love is a wonderful thing. Would we do anything about it? I'm not so sure as there are circumstances and distances to cross and I don't want to sound odd... but I love him on a whole different level than he does me.

I cant explain his love. Mine can be explained by... loving someone from afar. Knowing that there can never be anything between us. That the beauty of it comes from that. The fantasy of us being together is so beautiful you cant help fall in love.

P2 will always have a piece of me. Hes been in my corner encouraging and guiding me. Its all so appreciated and hes been so helpful.

Whatever you do, whoever you meet, I wish you all the best P2. That's all I ever wanted was the best for you.

233 - bottom line

Garsh!

Did I mention that the place I work isn't very employee friendly? I mean Its all about the bottom line and no matter how well you do its never enough and while they are happy to let you know what you could do better on. Where you go above and beyond isn't recognized.

Is it so hard for employers and management to realize that a happy worker is a more efficient worker? Common sense. Like in a marriage. Happy Wife Happy Life. No one argue please, its true.

When the focus becomes all about how we can make the company bigger, better and richer. Ill admit its great to be able to work together as a group. When there is no incentive, no appreciation, no word of thank you, great job at the end. It leaves a sour taste in my mouth.

Maybe I am an attention whore. Maybe I want to jump up and down while waving my arms in meetings saying look at me, look at me!! Tell me how wonderful I am. Its not just for me though. I want the company to realize that the people that work there is an asset they cant afford to lose.

Are we all the same? We want the most for the least. I want to work the least amount as possible for the most I can get. For them, they want the most out of me for the least they can pay.

I know that if I ever leave here, the place wont fall apart. Someone will be sitting at my desk doing the same thing I was doing. I know though, that it wont be like how I did it. Well.

This is starting to sound gloomy. Ill stop. Just frustrated and cant vocalize it properly.

Ive been asked to go in on a wedding gift for one of my managers. Who frankly @#$% ...%$#@ I looked at the people who were looking at me expecting me to rave over their wonderful idea and thought. This company has done nothing for you. They didn't wish you a happy birthday without someone mentioning it to them when they came in. The card they signed for you wasn't from the company, it came from your coworkers. The cake you went ga ga over came out of someone Else's pocket.

I Just wonder sometimes if its all about the bottom line. Does anyone care?

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This post paints me out to be bitchy. I'm not, I don't mean to be. I'm just sad/mad at how people are treated.

231 - opting out

Trying something different, makes for being frustrated. I was given the choice of sex or food for lunch. I chose food but that was my second choice as my first choice was both. Not enough time I was told to be able to have both. I think he was just trying to hold out the cake and not let me eat it.

I don't know if its because I don't spend more time with him in the non sex related way but its always new for me when I go out somewhere. There's is always a small thought of 'oh, I do like how he looks'.. which is followed by... 'Id like to be having sex right now'... to 'have to log in some fully clothed quality time together' That last one made me giggle.

Its different seeing him in clothes. I'm used to be able to touch his body and the table between us hinders that. Well, that and the fact that were in public and maybe its a good thing that the table is there. Though I had images of how else we could make use of it.

It was nice, lunch was. We talked a bit and had a few moments of silence which I was OK with. I'm thinking about why we weren't having sex...

A- He was looking out for me and didn't want me to get back too late.
B- He doesn't want it to be all about sex
C- Hes playing hard to get... naked
D- All of the above

I would have preferred to have sex for lunch and have something to go. Its healthy and a good work out. Sex is. Not to mention oh so satisfying.

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After J1, I went straight to J2 where it was quiet. I wanted to work on a couple of posts but didn't end up coming close to it. My mind wasn't interested. Kind of drawing a blank and feeling a little bit boring lately.

I felt a little antsy and wanted to go out after work for a couple of drinks. I make a few phone calls, send a couple of texts and voila! Company for drinks. Nothing too far away and nothing fancy.

I meet him for 9ish and we talk about his latest love interest, actually its the same love interest that hes had for years now and have left numerous hints to which she doesn't acknowledge. Shes a user. I tell him that and he knows it, but continues to do so. Ive tried to give him advice but told him not to follow it as I have no expertise on relationships... OR women even as I am one. I'm different and don't operate the same way.

I had a few drinks and we had a couple of appetizers so it wouldn't hit as hard. It worked. I get a couple of texts from D

D - r u drinking?
Darling - yes
D - play safe
Darling - always safe, girl scouts rule.

I was never a girl scout. But I was in ballet? No matter. Always safe. Darlings Rule then. D planned on coming over after work. Always looking forward to him coming over. Lunch was sexually unsatisfying you recall. Though it fed the ever growing libido of mine.

We had planned to meet after he was finished work. I was tired, but not too tired. At about 12:30am he calls with good news, bad news.

I told him to give me the good news first. I already knew he wasn't coming over.

Good news. Hes going to owe me huge and that he will make it up to me in a big way.
Bad news. Hes not coming over.

I asked if everything was OK as 5 minutes before we were getting worked up to see each other. He told me what came up and I told him that was OK and he should take care of it. He told me I was great. He was upset about the reason that he wasn't coming over and I would have been too if I was in his shoes. I let him rant and rave and I enjoyed it. I hope I helped calm him down a bit. Not that he was all worked up like others might be... I just wanted to be useful.

We were supposed to do lunch today but I'm not sure if it will happen.

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T called me from Chicago. Haven't heard from him in a while. I wasn't able to talk with him long as I was swamped so I hope he calls me later on so we can catch up. We've both been busy so I'm sure we'll have lots to catch up on.

Haven't made contact with K in over a week. I wonder if he still remembers me. I'm sure he does.

M hasn't contacted me in regards to the room service bill. Oh well. Soup is thinning? I don't mind at all. I need a break from most of them. If they are a part of it when I'm hungry again then great if not then Ill get new men I mean ingredients.

My plan for today?
Nap/lunch from 11:30-12:30 pm
then I have training from 1-4pm
Done J1 at 4:30pm
Start J2 at about 4:35-9pm
Home and other recreational activities.