darling

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Tuesday, October 16, 2007

280 - that girl

There's something wrong with me. I'm up and down today and it just hit 9am.

Had a conversation with D which I really enjoy. Thinking about it Id be tickled if he called me once and just recited the A-B-C's. I like his voice. Which incidentally is the exact same text message that I sent him yesterday. For which I was rewarded by a phone call. Ahh pleasure. It sends ripples through me that doesn't seem normal sometimes.

SO back to the topic of conversation. Hes planning a trip... that doesn't include me. Sadly. I'm a fan of taking trips and recommend it to anyone. What bothers me about this trip that hes planning, is that hes going to see a girl. In Venezuela. I'm not usually a jealous person. But damn does this ever tie my panties in a knot.

I cant say anything about it. Things that I cannot but Ive thought of saying.
'Please don't go there to see her' and I'm just a bit pathetic to continue on with the things Id like to say but never will. In some cases its a good idea to keep my mouth shut. I think this case is one of them. For a couple of reasons.

1 - I don't want to scare the guy
2 - I don't want him to think that I'm getting ... clingy.
3 - That there's more to this that I'm letting on.

Which now that I look at those means that

A - I clearly want him to be scared
B - That I am clingy
C - That there is more to it than I am letting on

What oh what to do. I didn't say anything. Throughout his monologue of how, when, where and costs and all that. I just listened and hmm'd and ooohhh'd at all the appropriate moments.

What is it about this girl that he talks about. She doesn't bother me. Its not her fault. Its not even his fault... but really does he not know that I like him and hearing him talk about this girl who sends him emails letting him know she cant wait to see him makes a little green monster come out? am I just wanting something that I'm not even sure I want. How insane is that?

I want it but at the same time I don't want it. Is it enough for me that I have what I do have with him? Yes. But what of more? Is it possible? or even reasonable. Have I put myself in a position where there is no forward movement left, no anything.

How is it that I get myself into these things? I feel like I'm in limbo. I set myself straight sometimes by reminding myself that some people come into my life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I have no control over these things. Or do I? Some I think. But In order for things to work out.. I guess the other person has to want similar things.

So I'm kind of bummed about this whole thing. For reasons and details that I haven't shared yet. I took a step back and thought that I'm just as bad or worse. Ive still got The Soup. I don't know if the little green monster rears its ugly head when I talk to him about it ... not in detail.. but general... PG rated information.

So the upside to this morning? I get an email from N...

'Hey sexy little lady... I'm coming to town on Wednesday ...do you want to get together? I'm busy working during the day but I'll be staying in the south end. Care to have a drink and more??? N'

So that's what Ill be doing on Wednesday night. Maybe. Its a reality check of sorts. That and routine maintenance. Though Ill be getting together with D in a couple of hours for routine maintenance as well.

I've been thinking too much about things that I may or may not be able to control. Trips to Venezuela, feelings of inadequacy, fidelity and just plain confusion.

Deep down I want him to care enough to tell me he cares. Sometimes actions speak louder than words. Ive mentioned it on 2 occasions that I got the bum deal (not in those words but along those lines) That I seem to not be included in certain parts of his life. He has a plan which I respect but that doesn't mean I want to be kept in the dark about whether I'm in the plan or not. Again if its something that I wont be happy with Id rather not know.

Which begs the question. Why do I want to be part of the plan. Is it because I want to be part of the plan or because the idea of being a part of someones life is appealing. Or is it that I don't have a plan of my own that makes someone with a plan attractive. Or is it that the plan is sound and I want in on it.

I don't want him to think that

1 I'm rushing anything
2 That I'm ready for uber serious

I have no idea

1 what he thinks sometimes
2 if he wants me in his life in any capacity in 6 weeks, months or years.

I guess its good this way as

1 it keeps things interesting
2 keeps me guessing.

Now I'm off for some personal maintenance.. car maintenance Ill be discussing with my mechanic shortly. That involves, tires, brakes and other things.

Have a fantastic Tuesday.

This post has been all over the map. I apologize and to summarize. I'm kind of jealous of this Chicky from Venezuela, who I'm sure is pretty and has a fantastic tan. I'm also a bit jealous of their relationship but I know that things out of my control are just that. Out of my control and I shouldn't let that bother me.

I feel a bit hypocritical as I have The Soup as far as I know he has this Chicky who lives in another country. Though there's a connection there which is strong enough to last :) Its probably nothing but I cant help feel like its a lost cause if I wanted something to happen between us...

I think I might just have to concede that I'm just not that girl...


Maybe

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4 Comments:

  • At October 16, 2007 5:08 PM, Blogger Frank Nemecek said…

    Let me get this straight. D is going all the way to Venezuela to see a girl when he could stay home and see you?

    Silly, D. He deserves to spend some time sitting in the corner with a Dunce cap on his head. (Hmm... D = Dunce. Coincidence?)

    Anyway, I thing you should respond by taking a trip of your own. In fact, may I be so bold as to suggest some of the finer places in Michigan?

    Love & laughter,
    Frank

     
  • At October 18, 2007 8:50 PM, Blogger Unknown said…

    It's hard for a woman (or a guy, at least one like me) to have a sexual relationship with someone and then watch them go off and meet up with someone else. It's natural for you to feel some anxiety about it, and not at all "clingy".

    It seems as if you and D have a type of "open" relationship, almost like couples who have an "open marriage", but one might wonder how healthy it can be for you emotionally.

     
  • At October 20, 2007 3:47 PM, Blogger TuxBaby said…

    Man, Darling- I feel for you. It sucks big balls, and it's gotta hurt.

    You've fallen for D even if you won't admit it to him or to yourself. And D hasn't fallen for you, whether he says anything to you or not. And you KNOW that- because if he really cared for you, he wouldn't be going off to meet some other girl.

    I wish the best for you, but I fear that D isn't anywhere near "the best" nor "the best for you" because of how he is treating you. Whether it is intentional or not (that he is hurting you, or just simply pleasing himself)- the fact is, he is NOT what you want him to be for you, and you should stop seeing him. Because I think he will continue to hurt you because you have already gotten way more emotionally attached than he has.

    You really deserve better than this, and don't kid yourself that he might turn around... because if he was even on the fence about something serious with you- going on this trip would not be on his agenda!

    As much as I know you like him and that you guys have great chemistry... you truly deserve more than he is giving you. Dump him. Because I think he will only cause you hurt- and that is not worth the huge chance you have already given him, to become something more.

    ~TuxB, who has been there, and is thinking "girl, he's just not that into you"

     
  • At November 05, 2007 10:50 AM, Blogger darling said…

    ** Hello Frank, Silly D indeed! A trip on my own sounds like a great idea. You recommend Michigan do you?

    ** Hi Rocketman, I have to say its really intersting. I know its not a 'normal' relationship. Its got quirks that keeps me on my toes.

    I know where I stand. I know theres a possibility of something or nothing.

    In the end Im learning. If I wasnt then it wouldnt be worth it.

    ** Hi Tuxbaby, Its not the greatest situation to be in but Im still living my life and Im not waiting by the phone.

    Im still seeing other guys. I still enjoy spening time with other men.

    It just so happens that I really enjoy D.

    :) I know I deserve more, better even great. I like that theres so much of myself to learn with him.

    Ill be honest and say that if it hits the fan. Ill get back up and hope that we stay friends.

    Ive learned over the last little while (2 years) that Im a lot stronger than I think I am. So whatever is in store? Bring it on :)

    :) I cant be that into him if Im seeing other guys as well right?

     

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