370 - whats in my mind

I'm still in that place where its hard to walk around and feel normal. I wonder if people can tell theres something wrong with me. That in my mind I'm thinking of whether to go up to someone and ask them to follow me for a no strings attached sex. A stranger. Someone Ive never met and someone Ill hope to never see again after a much needed tryst.

Ive always thought about things like that but not with this intensity. This unidentifiable need to feel someone sliding in and out of me. To feel their hot breath against my neck. To make them kiss me deeply while my legs wrap around them pulling them in closer.

I wonder if its some fucked up way of me needing something that I'm not getting. Sex? Could be? Feeling? Might be. Love? What is that? Is it some way my way of being fulfilled in a way that I'm currently not and me finding it in the arms of someone that I don't have any serious, meaningful or strong relations with.

Or am I just living life and have my hormones fly off the handle because I'm at a certain point in my life where my body needs more sex? Where I should be settling down. Is that the place I am at? Is this all normal for women or men for that matter?

Or is this just the way that things go because its a numbers game and eventually Ill find someone that sticks. Someone that doesn't mind my idiosyncrasies my twisted neurosis. My ever changing double standards. Maybe they mind all the above. Maybe they mind but can live with it because I accept them for theirs. Might even love them because they have their own quirks.

The fucked up thing is. I keep going back to D. He accepts all the quirks that I have. All the mind numbingly silly questions I have. From the things Ive done in the past to some of the things that I'm curious about in the future. He takes it all and doesn't make me feel like a freak.

I guess though... the difference is... He doesn't have to care. He just have to sift through it all and make nice because... he doesn't have to go home to me every night. Its just a part of his day and at night he goes home to his son.

SE? The fastest rising new boy that I have? He might do some damage and actually do something with me. I'm hoping. Ive already broken down and had sex with him. My fault... though I blame it on him too.. but I'm equally to blame. Strange. I didn't have the talk with him that I usually do with most guys I sleep with.

So that puts me in an awkward position. Where to go from here. Its even more awkward that we work together. I know Ive been a huge advocate about not dating anyone I work with. But ... and I'm justifying here or making excuses... call it what you want. But I'm not dating him... were just having sex.

I know he wants more. Hes looking for that someone. That special someone. I am too... in an I'm going to deny it kind of way because I like being single as much as the next married person does.

What do I make of SE? I'm not sure yet. Maybe I shouldn't put any eggs in his basket and let fate do its thing. Its already a bit odd because of other things but I wont rush anything and soon I'm sure he and I will have a talk about details.

A calls me numerous times daily. Sometimes to the point of irritation. Sometimes if I let it go to voicemail. Ill listen to it sometime late and hear his rendition of Mr Wonders 'I just called...' song. As a friend he loves me. As a woman he wants to sleep with me. I know this.

SB calls me on and off to try to have phone sex and Ive never found a way to get out of it politely. In the middle of it you cant just say 'oh I have someone on the other line Ill have to let you go.' or 'you know this isn't really doing anything for me at the moment' The only way Ive found to get out of phone sex is to not let it start at all. Which can be a little tricky but with enough practice and promise of making it up at a later time... (when its to my benefit) Its not so bad.

I'm contemplating adding to the The Soup but because its difficult to keep in touch sometimes it will be at a snails pace. However if there is an addition worthy to share. Ill definitely share.

324 - in the air

They are on a hiring frenzie here at J1. The rest of the group is a bit put off by it, because not only are they hiring someone to replace me. They are looking to hire a second person as well. They have each individually spoken to management and brought up the topic of a raise and that was turned down.

Someone put it this way. 'They need to hire two people to replace you?' I just laughed at that and silently agreed.

Instead of keeping their current employees happy they will go ahead and hire someone newOK 2 new people now. Im not sure why that is as they will save more money by giving everyone a raise. Keep them happy and show them that they are valued as employees. When the department brings in, in one month 45 Gs more than the same month the year before. Theres room to share the wealth, just a tiny bit of it.

There are 2 other people in my dept who are looking for something different. They are seeing that there is no give from the company even when they are working hard and producing. I dont blame them. One day after theyve hired enough people and are trying to figure out why they cant hold on to their employees they might decide to make the position a little more attractive by making it more attractive.

So Im happy that I have found something new and different. Im nervous about it but thats normal. They are calling for 25+ cm of snow starting today. Im not looking forward to that. I think it will be a movie night in.

I see D once a week now that our schedules are insane again. I miss him a little but not enough to make me do anything rash. He calls me throughout the day and we talk for a while. Its nice. Im not asking to see more of him. I shouldnt have to. Its at a point where Im backing away little by little.

I went out with one of my girlfriends who works with someone that wants to meet me. I asked her if I knew him and she said no. I asked her how he knew about me and she has mentioned me a few times in their conversations. She wants to set us up. I told her to go for it.

I told her a few things regarding The Soup and how things are going there and she asked me if I had time to meet with J2. I said Id make time. Its never THAT busy. I can always make time to meet with someone for 30 min to see if theres anything there to pursue. No matter if they dont make it in The Soup for any reason. That doesnt mean were not meant to be friends.

I have missed 2 of J1s calls. Im undecided about J. Im thinking of how I can fit J into my schedule and how much maintenance it will be to keep him in The Soup. Here are my thoughts. He is mobile which works for me as he lives about a 45 minute drive from me and Im not familiar with his area and well... Im just not a fan of long commutes.

His only mode of communication is the telephone. Which I usally dont mind as thats usually the best way to get me. But I do enjoy the occaional email. What I dont like is that he only calls me between 4-5pm. If I should be busy and in the middle of something or tied up :) I dont have a number to reach him so I just leave it to him to get in touch with me and leave messages if he cant get me.

Which makes me think that he has either a girlfriend/wife that wouldnt appreciate a message left for him from yours truly. I know youre thinking that I should just ask for his number but Ill pass. That means that I have the ability to call him, which I wont. So theres no real point in having it.

We shall see.

I heard from A and hes working on something and will call me back to let me know. Hes another elusive one. Im glad nothing sexual has happened between us. (for now) As it seems it would be a vanishing act after the act. I hear from him every few weeks if that. So I wouldnt want to get physically involved with someone that I knew wasnt... reliable, consistent or detailed. But things could always turn around. Who knows!?

M3 is thinking of coming to Ottawa for a night if my plans for a vacation dont go through. Im undecided there as he has certain ideas and Im all for them but on my time. I tell him that it will happen just not when he wants it because I dont plan things all the time. When things are planned I feel out of place. IE. Planning to go out for dinner and drinks is ok. What happens during dinner and while were having drinks is unknown. Hes got ideas of going to a place and having this done and that done and then continue to do this and that.


That doesnt do it for me and really doesnt do him any good as it just turns me off and away from wanting to do things with him. I try to tell him that but when thats all hes thinking of and hes thinking that hes lucky that I havent slapped him in the face and walked away. I think he thinks I like it but I dont. Again Ive told him and he just wont listen.

What he doesnt understand is that we will get together and when we do we will.. do things. It just wont be how he thinks it will happen. Leave some spontenaity in it. I told him that expecting things to happen a certain way will only leave him disappointed.

If I happen not to go away for a week I think Ill visit a friend of mine in Toronto. Time away for relaxing. Things are all up in the air.

320 - honest

I'm really nervous about the new job. Its something I don't know and its something that is new to me. I'm scared that Ill fail. That I wouldn't have made enough preparations if maybe I might not succeed with the program.

The future in the new job would bump me up to a new level a, different plane. Of someplace that Ive never been and wasn't quite sure that I would achieve. Monetarily and I guess if I'm being honest there's a security there that Ive never had with any company.

Which is why I'm nervous.

The other hand of complacency is telling me that I'm scared of leaving what I do have. I don't ask for a lot and I am OK with how my life is. There's always room for improvements. You can only stay so long in one place before moving on.

Like anything in life. Sometimes its time to move on.

Its scary. Yes. Its unknown. Yes.

Will I do it. Yes. In the name of life and living it, I will.

The above made me think of some of the things that I don't shy away from. Meeting someone new for coffee, dressing up provocatively for dinner. Attending parties where I don't know anyone and have to make great first impressions over and over and over. With every new person that greets me, that I come across, that strikes up a conversation. I'm always there making sure first impressions of myself go well.

I get a little bit nervous at the beginning but I do relax after the world continues to turn and I'm no longer waiting for it as I'm already there. In the middle of it. Living it. Instead of worrying about what it will be like.

Even if its something that unknown to me. Once I'm in it. I'm in it. Once I'm in the situation there's no going back, I just have to work through it and hope for the best.

:)

296 - Give me more

BC wants to see me again before he leaves. That's nice. Ill have to try to rearrange my schedule as its pretty busy the next few days. I know hes leaving this Sunday morning so I'm thinking the only time Ill have will be for Saturday early afternoon.

Before the Christmas Party that J1 puts on every year. The memo came out saying.

To: All Employees

From: The Head Poncho (name withheld for obvious reasons)

This year the Christmas Party will be held at 'La Di Da' (Not an actual place) which is located at 'Do Si Do' -sic- (Also not an actual address) It is near this road and that road. Which reminds me to map quest it so I know where Ill be going.

It will be held Saturday December 1 2007 at 7:00pm.

As usual it is necessary to obtain as soon as possible, the number of people which will attend in order to cater appropriately.

Please submit your intentions including your spouse or friend to your respective department managers.

Dress code will be smart business casual, no tie, no jeans, or tshirts.

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My intentions is not to make out with my date who is my sister no matter how many people ask me to and no matter how much people offer us. That will just not do.

My intentions are to be a more accountable person and to be more disciplined in various areas of life.

Are these the kinds of intentions they are looking for?

Or would be along the lines of I intend not to sneak out of work early or make fun of other people.

What happens if peoples intentions are not honorable?

So they want me to dress like I normally do for work. Dropping my sexy. I think not. I can guarantee that I wont wear a tie, wont don a pair of jeans or be sporting a tshirt. That just gives me a mental picture of me in a matching pair of bra and panties. Oh who am I kidding. I don't think Ill want to match at all.

I think Ill dress smart and sexy. Business has no place that evening. Unless duty calls...

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V has already left to catch his flight. He will be back in a week or two. I feel a little bad about not keeping in touch with him more while he was here. Ive been busy and I think he might have certain ideas of what might transpire the next time we are together. He has many ideas, I know, but he is first a gentleman and lets me set the pace.

He might not like the pace but I'm experimenting with paces. I get frustrated as well but its a learning process and I have a lot to learn. I am the grasshopper.

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B3 called me. I was a little busy and told him wed get together sometime next week. Possibly Thursday. He offered me his cell number which was the first time hes ever done that as I don't have any numbers to call him back when he leaves me messages. I didn't have a pen so I told him to give me a call another time and Id get it then.

I wonder if there's an expiry date on things like that. Like if its a one time offer only. We shall see. I'm not sure what we will do. Getting naked isn't an option yet so that will have to wait. Well, he will have to wait.

In a way I think I like not having his number. I know that for some people its a power thing. It is. I just don't let it affect me. I mean if he calls me then I'm in control because I don't have to agree to do anything with him and it shows that he wants to spend time with me. I can always say that I'm busy and he will have to call me back and he does.

Maybe he realizes what it is I have. The advantage. So now he wants to give me his number which I know I wont dial. Why, you ask? Just because. If he didn't want to give it to me when we first met which happens to have been over 6 months ago. I just don't know what changed in his life that is making him want to offer it up to me now.

Ill keep his number and I shouldn't say I wont dial his number. I might. Its not a plan at the moment but things happen for a reason and I don't know what the reason for this is. So I shall just life as it happens... happen. I'm not jumping up and down for joy, not like winning the lottery. Which I'm still waiting to win :)

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D and I had some fantastic sex for lunch. It was rushed, hurried and oh so intense. Its always a lot of fun when were both in the zone and were both there and were both just enjoying it all. The sights, the scents, the sounds, the everything. It was so good I had to change the sheets. The dynamics are changing between us. I'm not sure how things will proceed but its OK. I know that either way. Ill be OK.

I know that we both care about each other. We don't want anyone to get hurt. Though usually when you talk about that someone usually does :) No? Well maybe not always. Lets hope not.

Its the sex. Ill admit it keeps me wanting more. Have you ever heard of such an absurd reason. The sex is really good. I mean. Its spine tingling. The more I get, the more I want. That doesn't sound very smart but its the truth. I don't know if its healthy but the sex is great and having sex is healthy.

Then there's proximity. The more time we spend together the more time I want to spend with him. Take away that time spent together and the I miss it.

So my thing is now. Don't take things for granted and just make the best of the time that I am given.

Have a fantastic weekend and for those people venturing out for work related holiday festivities in the next few weeks. Remember.... Always Classy, Never Trashy.

280 - that girl

There's something wrong with me. I'm up and down today and it just hit 9am.

Had a conversation with D which I really enjoy. Thinking about it Id be tickled if he called me once and just recited the A-B-C's. I like his voice. Which incidentally is the exact same text message that I sent him yesterday. For which I was rewarded by a phone call. Ahh pleasure. It sends ripples through me that doesn't seem normal sometimes.

SO back to the topic of conversation. Hes planning a trip... that doesn't include me. Sadly. I'm a fan of taking trips and recommend it to anyone. What bothers me about this trip that hes planning, is that hes going to see a girl. In Venezuela. I'm not usually a jealous person. But damn does this ever tie my panties in a knot.

I cant say anything about it. Things that I cannot but Ive thought of saying.
'Please don't go there to see her' and I'm just a bit pathetic to continue on with the things Id like to say but never will. In some cases its a good idea to keep my mouth shut. I think this case is one of them. For a couple of reasons.

1 - I don't want to scare the guy
2 - I don't want him to think that I'm getting ... clingy.
3 - That there's more to this that I'm letting on.

Which now that I look at those means that

A - I clearly want him to be scared
B - That I am clingy
C - That there is more to it than I am letting on

What oh what to do. I didn't say anything. Throughout his monologue of how, when, where and costs and all that. I just listened and hmm'd and ooohhh'd at all the appropriate moments.

What is it about this girl that he talks about. She doesn't bother me. Its not her fault. Its not even his fault... but really does he not know that I like him and hearing him talk about this girl who sends him emails letting him know she cant wait to see him makes a little green monster come out? am I just wanting something that I'm not even sure I want. How insane is that?

I want it but at the same time I don't want it. Is it enough for me that I have what I do have with him? Yes. But what of more? Is it possible? or even reasonable. Have I put myself in a position where there is no forward movement left, no anything.

How is it that I get myself into these things? I feel like I'm in limbo. I set myself straight sometimes by reminding myself that some people come into my life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I have no control over these things. Or do I? Some I think. But In order for things to work out.. I guess the other person has to want similar things.

So I'm kind of bummed about this whole thing. For reasons and details that I haven't shared yet. I took a step back and thought that I'm just as bad or worse. Ive still got The Soup. I don't know if the little green monster rears its ugly head when I talk to him about it ... not in detail.. but general... PG rated information.

So the upside to this morning? I get an email from N...

'Hey sexy little lady... I'm coming to town on Wednesday ...do you want to get together? I'm busy working during the day but I'll be staying in the south end. Care to have a drink and more??? N'

So that's what Ill be doing on Wednesday night. Maybe. Its a reality check of sorts. That and routine maintenance. Though Ill be getting together with D in a couple of hours for routine maintenance as well.

I've been thinking too much about things that I may or may not be able to control. Trips to Venezuela, feelings of inadequacy, fidelity and just plain confusion.

Deep down I want him to care enough to tell me he cares. Sometimes actions speak louder than words. Ive mentioned it on 2 occasions that I got the bum deal (not in those words but along those lines) That I seem to not be included in certain parts of his life. He has a plan which I respect but that doesn't mean I want to be kept in the dark about whether I'm in the plan or not. Again if its something that I wont be happy with Id rather not know.

Which begs the question. Why do I want to be part of the plan. Is it because I want to be part of the plan or because the idea of being a part of someones life is appealing. Or is it that I don't have a plan of my own that makes someone with a plan attractive. Or is it that the plan is sound and I want in on it.

I don't want him to think that

1 I'm rushing anything
2 That I'm ready for uber serious

I have no idea

1 what he thinks sometimes
2 if he wants me in his life in any capacity in 6 weeks, months or years.

I guess its good this way as

1 it keeps things interesting
2 keeps me guessing.

Now I'm off for some personal maintenance.. car maintenance Ill be discussing with my mechanic shortly. That involves, tires, brakes and other things.

Have a fantastic Tuesday.

This post has been all over the map. I apologize and to summarize. I'm kind of jealous of this Chicky from Venezuela, who I'm sure is pretty and has a fantastic tan. I'm also a bit jealous of their relationship but I know that things out of my control are just that. Out of my control and I shouldn't let that bother me.

I feel a bit hypocritical as I have The Soup as far as I know he has this Chicky who lives in another country. Though there's a connection there which is strong enough to last :) Its probably nothing but I cant help feel like its a lost cause if I wanted something to happen between us...

I think I might just have to concede that I'm just not that girl...


Maybe

278 - lurking

I haven't been posting as much as Id like to. I'm concentrating on trying to get through the stages in order to get the job. Ive had to in less than a week talk to3 of my present and previous managers for a reference.

Its unclear whether I am only required to have a list of 3 references or if I need 3 written references. Deep down I think its just a list of 3 they need to be able to contact. However that is also easier than having to go get 3 written ones. Its not hard. Its just getting them all in a timely fashion. @ I have to run after. One was done the same day. The other wants me to write it out myself and has given me carte blanche to embellish if I should so please. I don't as I wouldn't feel comfortable. Honestly is best. Plus the honest truth is I was pretty damn great there and everywhere :)

Writing it out myself is a bit weird as I feel like I'm bragging but its not its just pointing out great qualities that I have. But it still feels like gloating. Ive asked D to draft a letter for me and Ill use that and have that previous employer sign it.

This weekend is Thanksgiving weekend and Monday is a Holiday. Tuesday is my interview and I feel its cutting it a bit close. But it could just be me. I'm kicking myself a little bit as I did have time the week before to get it all done. I was just unsure about getting to this stage. This just teaches me its better to err on the right side of caution.

Its interesting as I did think about it, about getting it done sooner. I'm not quite sure why I didn't. It may be because I don't want to get too ahead of myself. I also didn't want to seem ... full of myself. Now I feel like I'm a monkey on their backs about it.

"I know you're busy, I wanted to know how you were coming along with my reference letter and if I am able to pick it up today."

"Ill be seeing you this Thurs night and Sat night and I was wondering which night to expect it."

"I really appreciate this and I'm pleased that you feel comfortable enough to write a reference letter for me."

Ive decided (very recently... like just now) not to worry too much about it. It would be nice to have all 3 letters in hand when I walk into the interview. It will just give me that extra boost of confidence. However if I only have 1 (which I currently have) or 2 (which I might be able to pick up tonight) Ill be happy. Again all 3 would be great but '2 out of 3 ain't bad' as someone once said :)

There are a few things I need to do to prepare myself for this and Ill have some homework which D has helped me with. I feel like I'm still a bit clueless but he thinks Ill do fine. Just be relaxed and keep things simple. Ive made notes and I'm hopeful and excited about moving ahead.

Its exciting, the thought that I might be doing something different if things should work out. OK not if but WHEN things work out. That's better. Tuesday it is. If things go well with this panel interview then onto the next stage which I will definitely fret over like I usually do.

D had breakfast with Jason from the other night and another of his co workers. I get a call after breakfast and part of the conversation went like this.

D - Jason was pretty drunk that night, he and Pete drank a lot and Jason was pretty out of it.

Darling - It was a good time/

D - Its funny... Jason told me you guys made out that night. He said he asked for a kiss and that's how it started.

Darling - (laughs) If he calls that making out he needs to get back in the game... and if you see him next time, tell him I wasn't satisfied with it.

D - I just laughed when he told that story

Darling - Funny ha ha or funny interestinggg

D - I laughed

Darling - What a little trouble maker... I guess If that's what making out is I also made out with Pete.

The next day. I bring it up again. Why? Because I want to know if it bothered him or if hes OK with it. Should I bother going down this thought process? Would his reaction be an indication of how he sees me? us?

Earlier today. Lunch was a bowl full of sex. Messy sex. In my apartment, on my bed. Just how I like it. Messy enough to take a shower and rush to work with damp hair. Its been a while. It was also very good. Not enough but it was good. So good that while he was in the shower. I took the opportunity to continue to play with myself and make a bigger mess. No he didn't know what I was doing. But I was a bit turned on about him not knowing.

How do you tell someone you want more without insulting them if they cant do more? Or how do I find out if there is a possibility of more but there is something that's holding them back? Specially if its me? EEK!

Its nice what this is. But I think in order for me to continue to enjoy my life. Ill have to take a step back and go out and rub noses with those patiently waiting in The Soup. Its nice to be with someone that doesn't have the same complications as D does. I'm OK with them as I'm pretty laid back that way and peoples lives are so different that when its out of my control. There's nothing I can do about it and there's no reason for me to get all twisted over.

Ive got another long night ahead of me and D might want to go out. I'm not sure if he does or not yet as he was planning on giving me a choice. Lunch today or after hes done work. I don't think he'll want to go out after hes done work. I wont plan on it. But it wold be neat to be surprised.

I need to catch up on sleep and need to buy groceries for Thanksgiving which were celebrating Monday at lunch. We all have plans to have dinner elsewhere for dinner that night and the night before.

Happy Turkey and Have a great weekend. Ill post about how the interview went. Thanks for being in my corner :)

PS I know I haven't been checking blogs lately but I will return to that as soon as things start working itself out in the new job category. Ive been lurking when I can though :)

Darling a lurker.. makes me giggle :)