400 - is it possible?

The pot of soup is still being stirred and here is someone that you may have read about in previous posts.

SE is still around trying to find a way inside my bedroom. More so inside my underwear, location doesn't seem important to him it seems. He sends me random photos of himself in various states of undress. Which I find amusing. the following is an exchange via texts. I also entertained the thought of finding a way to showcase what I do collect in my inbox other than salacious and titillating emails and in this case photos. I am undecided and I like my privacy so Ill need to make sure to keep theirs as well.

I still find him very attractive, I still rank him high on the making out dept and if I could convince him to only make out we would have hell of a make out session. As often as we could manage. I'm not sure that he would be satisfied with that and not push for more. Truthfully... its that good that I'm not even sure that I wouldn't push for more. Its probably safer this way.


SE - *photo of SE* in some form of undress, showing off his body in fine form.

Darling - SE... are you sure that you meant to send that photo to me? Not that I am complaining :)

SE - Yes of course. Now you send me a topless one.

Darling - You know that's not how it works.

SE - Yes it does lol

Darling - You've seen the real thing so a photo would not do it justice :)

SE - Can I see the real thing again then? :) and soon would be better

Darling - Not when you keep leaving in the middle of conversations.

*we bumped into each other at some point prior to this text session and someone I hadn't seen in a long time stopped when they saw me and we had a few things to say to each other to be polite and when I turned SE had pulled a disappearing act.

SE - I promise if I see the real thing in my bed I wont leave in the middle.

Darling - You are trouble :)

SE - So is that a yes or a no?

... * i don't reply for a while as I am attracted to him and I enjoy making out with him but I'm not sure that I want to get myself involved in this.

SE - Hey you didn't answer me

Darling - How about we keep things as they are. I don't want to let things get weird.

SE - No

Darling - Not the answer you wanted to get?

SE - No but the one I expected.

Darling - You start sending that photo around and I'm sure you will get offers... more than you can handle.

SE - Just want you

Darling - Sweet talker :)

SE - I hear what you're saying but that doesn't mean Ill stop trying.

So a question to the gentlemen. Is it possible to "not go all the way" and just enjoy the foreplay?

324 - in the air

They are on a hiring frenzie here at J1. The rest of the group is a bit put off by it, because not only are they hiring someone to replace me. They are looking to hire a second person as well. They have each individually spoken to management and brought up the topic of a raise and that was turned down.

Someone put it this way. 'They need to hire two people to replace you?' I just laughed at that and silently agreed.

Instead of keeping their current employees happy they will go ahead and hire someone newOK 2 new people now. Im not sure why that is as they will save more money by giving everyone a raise. Keep them happy and show them that they are valued as employees. When the department brings in, in one month 45 Gs more than the same month the year before. Theres room to share the wealth, just a tiny bit of it.

There are 2 other people in my dept who are looking for something different. They are seeing that there is no give from the company even when they are working hard and producing. I dont blame them. One day after theyve hired enough people and are trying to figure out why they cant hold on to their employees they might decide to make the position a little more attractive by making it more attractive.

So Im happy that I have found something new and different. Im nervous about it but thats normal. They are calling for 25+ cm of snow starting today. Im not looking forward to that. I think it will be a movie night in.

I see D once a week now that our schedules are insane again. I miss him a little but not enough to make me do anything rash. He calls me throughout the day and we talk for a while. Its nice. Im not asking to see more of him. I shouldnt have to. Its at a point where Im backing away little by little.

I went out with one of my girlfriends who works with someone that wants to meet me. I asked her if I knew him and she said no. I asked her how he knew about me and she has mentioned me a few times in their conversations. She wants to set us up. I told her to go for it.

I told her a few things regarding The Soup and how things are going there and she asked me if I had time to meet with J2. I said Id make time. Its never THAT busy. I can always make time to meet with someone for 30 min to see if theres anything there to pursue. No matter if they dont make it in The Soup for any reason. That doesnt mean were not meant to be friends.

I have missed 2 of J1s calls. Im undecided about J. Im thinking of how I can fit J into my schedule and how much maintenance it will be to keep him in The Soup. Here are my thoughts. He is mobile which works for me as he lives about a 45 minute drive from me and Im not familiar with his area and well... Im just not a fan of long commutes.

His only mode of communication is the telephone. Which I usally dont mind as thats usually the best way to get me. But I do enjoy the occaional email. What I dont like is that he only calls me between 4-5pm. If I should be busy and in the middle of something or tied up :) I dont have a number to reach him so I just leave it to him to get in touch with me and leave messages if he cant get me.

Which makes me think that he has either a girlfriend/wife that wouldnt appreciate a message left for him from yours truly. I know youre thinking that I should just ask for his number but Ill pass. That means that I have the ability to call him, which I wont. So theres no real point in having it.

We shall see.

I heard from A and hes working on something and will call me back to let me know. Hes another elusive one. Im glad nothing sexual has happened between us. (for now) As it seems it would be a vanishing act after the act. I hear from him every few weeks if that. So I wouldnt want to get physically involved with someone that I knew wasnt... reliable, consistent or detailed. But things could always turn around. Who knows!?

M3 is thinking of coming to Ottawa for a night if my plans for a vacation dont go through. Im undecided there as he has certain ideas and Im all for them but on my time. I tell him that it will happen just not when he wants it because I dont plan things all the time. When things are planned I feel out of place. IE. Planning to go out for dinner and drinks is ok. What happens during dinner and while were having drinks is unknown. Hes got ideas of going to a place and having this done and that done and then continue to do this and that.


That doesnt do it for me and really doesnt do him any good as it just turns me off and away from wanting to do things with him. I try to tell him that but when thats all hes thinking of and hes thinking that hes lucky that I havent slapped him in the face and walked away. I think he thinks I like it but I dont. Again Ive told him and he just wont listen.

What he doesnt understand is that we will get together and when we do we will.. do things. It just wont be how he thinks it will happen. Leave some spontenaity in it. I told him that expecting things to happen a certain way will only leave him disappointed.

If I happen not to go away for a week I think Ill visit a friend of mine in Toronto. Time away for relaxing. Things are all up in the air.

306 - calling

Darling - OK Im bringing it up. This thing that were doing. When I start working with you.. What will happen between us and our situation?

D - That's up to you.

I wonder how its up to me because hes the one that told me that he doesn't mix his work life with his sex life. That he doesn't date co-workers.. and that's exactly what I will be in the hopefully early new year. A co-worker that is.

Darling - That's the thing though how can it be up to me when you're the one who said that you don't do that. I mean don't you think that would be weird?

D - Well that's what you said. That it would be weird.

Darling - Not for the same reasons as you're thinking. I just think it would be weird to all of a sudden stop. If I was already working there and we met there then it wouldn't happen. But since we met prior to me starting there. Don't you think it would be weird to just turn it off, cut it off cold turkey, that's it that's all you've had your fun move on to the next one?

D - I'm OK with it if we continue on.

This confuses me as now hes going back on what he said before? That or hes realizing what it is he'll be giving up? Or have I just not been paying attention and we've both been thinking the same of the other. That the other person wanted to end the arrangement after I start there. Deep down I think that's what this is. A matter of both of us not wanting it to end and thinking that the other person did.

Darling - OK, so... we'll just continue on and keep it going.

D- We'll continue on.

This isn't the end of that conversation. Ill have to ask him a few other things just because I'm too nosy to keep it to myself. Right now I cant really recall what else I wanted to bring up :) Silly me.

Before we had that conversation hes mentioned things like when I start working there Ill have a lot of men asking me out. It wont just be the guys I work with he says, it will also be clients. Ill have my pick of whoever I want. Upon hearing that I would make glib comments and change the topic to something similar.

I cant decide if its because he wants me to start looking for someone new. Or if he wants to see what my reaction will be and if I bite on the idea of having men thrown themselves at me. Highly unlikely for those of you who are wondering. For men to be throwing themselves at me that is.

Hes reacted on a few occasions when Ive mentioned people I have to go see or have dinners with. I mentioned going to Toronto to visit a friend of mine sometime and Ive mentioned meeting a friend who lives in Chicago and this guy and that guy. Never mentioning what kind of relationship it is. Just that they are friends. Most times I wont even say whether its a guy or not just a general friend. Could be female.

So his reactions have been interesting, like. Who are you going to visit this time? Or who is coming to visit you? There's been mention of dates Ive gone on with that hmmm knowing tone that someone uses when they don't really know. Cute really.

There's nothing wrong with his reactions. Its human to react. Maybe its a good thing that hes reacting otherwise the alternative would be no reaction and that he doesn't care? :) AHA!

D is working extra hours as hes trying to get his trip to be completely paid off. Hes planning on going to Florida in January sometime. No he hasn't asked me if I would like to go with him. Hes going with a couple of guys that he works with and I know that hell have his hands full. I'm not worried about the normal things. I'm just worried that I wont have my daily fix of D.

As much as I think about going with them I know Ill be in the midst of hopefully... training for the job. That or my life. It should be good.

Another thought I had was this trip to San Diego and how Ill be able to keep in touch with D. I feel like a geek thinking about that but I will miss talking to him. One of two things will happen. Distance makes the heart grow fonder or distance will make the heart go wander.

I'm hoping for fonder but we shall see. I might be able to count on one hand the days in which we didn't speak for the whole day. By no means were the days consecutive. My vacation is putting me in a spot where its making me think like a girl.

Must stop that. Ill still have a cell phone with me so I wont be completely cut off. You never know who will be calling.

282 - closer and closer

I know Ive been lacking in my posts. I apologize. Ive got tons of posts started that just needs a bit more work. Not having the Internet at home really doesn't help.


On the work front. Things are going well at work. I find myself looking forward to leaving. Ive been with this company going on 5 years and its just time for a change. This new position I'm vying for is something that I'm not 100% sure of. But change is good and this will be a change.


I'm nervous about it but there's a training period and its a wait and see kind of situation. If I don't get the position then that's OK. Ill just be here until I find something else. Ive heard of people doing it the opposite way. Leave the current job first then find something after. I'm not that much of a risk taker so Ill do it this way.

On the family front. My aunts who I haven't seen for more than 15 years will be spending the Christmas holidays with us. I think this will be the first time in a very long time that all the sisters will be spending a holiday together. It will be nice but it will also be very strained as I'm sure being a family get together. Ill be subjected to spending time with someone I would rather not.


My sister is thinking of moving to San Diego. She'll be able to do her class work by correspondence which comes in handy. I'm not sure of the timeline that shes looking at. This depends on when her boy friend gets accepted to teach English in Japan. Its all a wait and see.


My dad is in Puerto Rico and will be there for a while. I sent him an email asking him if hes been following the news of the fires in San Diego. I asked him if his place was affected and Ive yet to hear back from him. I know hes busy so I'm not worried. I am worried about his place there and how things are if its in the area of the fires.


Its my dads Birthday this Friday. We've got a package to send him but seeing as hes in Puerto Rico. We'll be holding on to it until hes back home.


My brother is planning on getting the new Xbox 360. I asked him what his plans were for the one he will be replacing and Ive somewhat convinced him that its new home should be my apartment. I'm not a huge fan of video games. Though I do like fighting games like Street fighter. I don't play long or often, for when I do, my thumb muscles get tired quickly and sometimes cramp up.

The Big dog and I ran through an new area where there's lots of bushes and shrubbery for her to inspect. I think something bit her tail as there looks to be a bug bite of some sort which drives her bonkers. Bonkers as in running around chasing her tail. Makes me shake my head and smile at her silliness.


Speaking of dogs. My sister has asked me to take care of hers when she moves and I do and I don't. I feel bad as it is not being home for The Big dog and having another one will just double the guilt. We shall see. Maybe I could make a bid for her fish. Though I think shes planning on making them a package deal. Dogs and fish go together.


One of my girlfriends. The one in The Penalty Box seems to have redeemed herself somewhat. I have yet to remove her from TPB which seems to work because when shes not in it, things seem to fall to the wayside. I'm bringing dinner over tonight and shes making the pina coladas. She didn't make it right. Its mostly alcohol but that's how we like it. It really packs a punch.


I told her it wont be a late night tonight as Ive got the next stage schedule for tomorrow. I imagine Ill be in bed by 9:30-10pm tonight. Bright and early tomorrow at 8am is when Ive got to be on the ball. Ive warned her Ill just be having 2 drinks and nothing more.


Lunch with D today. Ive left it up to him today. He gets to decide what to do. I'm happy either way. That is if we go to a restaurant for lunch or if we go Chez Darling. Its pretty interesting, all this. How I teeter sometimes from one side to the other. I'm amused by it all and I'm aware theres a risk for something that I might not like but there's also the benefit for something pleasant. Who knows?


I'm not in the market for a relationship. D and I are both in agreement with that. We each have our own reasons for it. So its neat that were OK with how things are. I know I might, sort of, could complicate things by fairy taling it. Though I think in time it will just as things do. Fizzle.


I'm aware I do it though and bring myself back to reality. The only person I share it with is my sister and well... of course you.

So its well after lunch as you can tell and D and I had an interesting conversation. If I get this new job. D and I will be coworkers. Ive never fooled around or been with a coworker and neither has he and we both go by the no hanky panky with co workers. This puts me in a funny pair of slippers and I'm kind of sad.

Ill still want to be with him and I still want to get the job. Another case of wanting to have my cake and eat it too. He says we'll see. I'm OK with it if it has to come to that but I wont be ecstatic about it. I mean. Who would be?

Just another thing to think about which makes it interesting. I cant complain too much. I have my health, my home, friends and family and if worse comes to worse. Ill have BOB around more often than not.

Tomorrow is another big day in the me getting the new job dept. So keep me in mind and send me good, calm and focused thoughts :)

Closer and closer...

277 - over and under

I went out with D after I worked the hockey game on Saturday. He finished work a couple of hours after I did so I went out with my sister for a couple of drinks instead of heading home. My sister and I went to a Pub close to her place and we had a few drinks and caught up on whats been happening and not happening in our lives.


It was good to see her. We've both been busy so it was a treat to hang out. After a few drinks I get a call from D letting me know that it wont just be the two of us. That he bumped into a high school friend and that he'll be out with us as well. Kind of bummed but that's OK. Its always nice to meet other people.


I get there first but before I do D calls to make sure I'm on my way. I'm late once and hes always thinking Ill be late. See why I don't like being late? I don't know if its that I don't like being late.. I think its more of I don't want anyone to doubt me. Ill be there.


I think its cute as I know hes teasing me and not doing it to make me feel bad. At least that's what I tell myself :) So Even if he was trying to make me feel bad it wouldn't work as it is pretty small and not worth fighting over.

We met at Local Heroes which is a midpoint between both our places and its pretty easy to get to. I got there first and then he walked in. I wanted to take him home and do naughty things to and with him. But I held off on that idea.

His friends came shortly after and his friend Jason and Pete were nice. It was Pete's Birthday and Jason works with D. I found myself having drink after drink and I was really enjoying myself. It was neat to hear them talk about their school days together and more interesting was their drinking years.

While conversations run rampant above the tables. Hands were getting busy underneath. I found myself pulled by the alcohol to a horny stupor. First my knee found his and together they maintained contact. Then came my hand to rest on his knee which occasionally would squeeze gently. I would then find my hand roaming up his thigh only to return to his knee.

When that didn't receive any objections I continued that every so often, often enough to feel him grow.. ing. Very erotic as on the surface were all proper and lean down and well, we just weren't. I'm sure you can tell how amorous I was feeling. I was imagine no Pete or Jason there with D and I naked in places that I didn't care about just as long as we were naked and together.

At some point after drink 6 or 7 I went to the ladies room and found myself wondering about if I might feel his hand on my knee, my bare knee at that. I went out and the power of thought is indeed great and we must have been thinking the same thing as there was some definite reciprocation under the table and more to boot. At drink number I don't recall anymore. I went back to the ladies room and on my way out and about 10 feet from our table. I took a quick look around and saw that we were alone in that area.

More importantly, that I was alone and no one could see what I was to do next. I shimmied out of my panties as D was looking my way. I winked at him and he just smiled at me as I seated myself. My knee swung open to the side and I saw him lean back in his chair and see his eyes dart down. His jaw clenched and as he leaned back to the table his hand found his way to me.

Oh the man can tease and please.

My hand found his zipper and found him straining. Oh how things are looking up. I would wonder every so often if the other guys knew what was happening. I also wondered if I flashed anyone else. We were sitting on high bar stools around a table and well there was ample opportunity for a flash here and there. Unintentional on my part of course.

I got teased quite often by Jason who got a kick that I was newly 28. I teased right back that soon he wouldn't be allowed out without a chaperone hence he forgets his name or where he needed to go. It was all good times.

At the end of the night and way past the time they should have been closed. D went to the men's room and I was left to say goodbyes. Jason asked for a kiss. So I leaned in and he aimed for my lips. I turned my head to one side. He kissed my cheek. He also said no no a real kiss on the lips. So he leaned down again and I turned my head to the other side and winked at Pete as he kissed me on the other cheek. Pete laughed and I smiled. So for being a good sport about it I gave him a quick kiss on the lips.

It was after all Petes Birthday so I gave him the same deal. Cheek, cheek, lips. Then the bartender lets me know that D is waiting for me at the door. I look and hes watching me. I dont feel guilty. But there was a thought. 'I wonder if he saw that and what hes thinking.' I go to him and he opens the door for me.

Outside, alone.
We kiss. We touch.
We try to get into each others clothes.
The door opens and its the guys.
We part.
I lean into him and ask if hes coming over.
He says He wants to but cant.
I tell him he kills me, turn and walk away.
Not after I run my hands over him.
I know he wants me.
I know its not that he doesn't want to. Hes just got other things
I walk backwards to my car, were both watching each other.

I get in my car and watch him drive away. Soon after I drive home I get a text from him 'Don't be mad, Ill make it up to you.' That doesn't take away the need that's been building inside me. But it does make me melt just a little bit. My reply? 'You kill me but I still want you.. I'm not mad'

Its his day off today. Hes got plans which is fine. G is coming over tonight. Then Ill be hanging out with one of my girl friends.

Then I'm bartending on Thurs, Fri and Saturday. I said no to Sunday because Ill be at J3.

Oh and the interview. Tuesday Oct 9th at 12:30. Send good vibes please :)

274 - day before

I took a nap and was late meeting D on Friday oh wait Saturday at that time. We were on the phone an hour before we were supposed to meet and I just wanted to rest my eyes and heard the phone ring and answered it.

D- Where are you?
Darling- Ill be there in a few minutes
D- You know you re late.
Darling- I know I'm sorry Ill see you soon

I flip the phone off and throw the blankets off of me and run to my bedroom for some clothes. I don't bother with any bra or panties. I run out with flip flops on my feet and send a prayer up for green lights and no cops.

About 2 minutes away from meeting him and about 8 minutes after talking to him last. He calls again asking where I am . I tell him about 2 minutes away and I'm sorry. He asks me if I was doing something that shall remain nameless. I said no I wasn't.

I told him the truth as much as I was a bit embarrassed to. That I was sleeping. I meant to close my eyes just to relax and ended up sleeping. He said that I should have told him and we didn't have to meet.

In my head I was thinking. Yes I could have but then who knows when we would get together again. I mean I knew it would be some time during the week but our time together is limited and its a treat to see him. It really is.

I get all shy and girly and I hold myself in check sometimes because I literally want to drag him home to bed. Or the car, the nearest park bench or picnic table... you get the idea.

So I tell him that 'I want to see you tonight' I know that we aren't going to have sex but I still want to see him. I cant explain it. I cant tell you if he feels the same way. All I know is that I like... him.

I like talking to him on the home and find it a bit difficult with him cutting back on phone time. I like seeing him in any capacity, whether its just us two or in a group setting. I just like being near him. So I was sleeping and was late seeing him I was still happy to see him even if its for a couple of hours.

Ive also gotten in the habit of kissing him every so often when the mood hits. I just lean in and press my lips to his, pull away and continue on with the conversation. He always smiles when he sees me lean in as well as after I do it. He never does anything that says its not wanted. I don't mind that he doesn't do the same thing. If he does. Ill be surprised. Pleasantly.

What can I say I like him. That and sometimes I have the most incredible urge to take his lower lip between mine and rub my tongue from side to side. Tomorrow...

I wont see him today. Tomorrow we are meeting for lunch unless something comes up that wont allow that to happen. I'm not sure if he knows what tomorrow is. Ive mentioned it without saying it outright. Ive mentioned that it was a week after The Big Dogs. Ive left it at that.

I'm undecided about whether I want him to know or not... or if I want to tell him outright. If he doesn't say anything because he doesn't know then that's OK with me. Its not a big deal. If he happens to mention something then it will be nice. I'm not going to think he doesn't care if nothing happens. Its another day is what it is.

I'm probably not even going to remember until someone calls me to remind me. But much is planned. People who remember have called and made plans to spend some time together. That's nice, I like it that way.

Well another year has gone by. Its been a great year. I didn't do half as much as I wanted to and did too many things that might have been better not. But overall I'm happy and healthy. In the big picture I can improve on certain parts of my life, things are going well in most.

My sister says I still look like I did when I was 18/19. I wonder if that will ever change. Quite possibly. So for now, and everyday that follows.

Enjoy.

Oh and Ill be bar tending more often. As often as I can handle it that is. Ill have to see how my body is doing and how much it can take. Which means Ill also be rearrabging my work schedule for J2 and J3 until I figure out how much I can handle.

270 - as of late

Friday.

Date night.. technically not a date. I just call it a date. Not to his face but here :) In the privacy of my little corner of cyberspace. With you because I know you wont go running to anyone that I know.

Started of well. Looked extra fantastic. Ill leave it to your imagination as to what I was wearing underneath my clothes. Looked good, smelled great, felt superb.

Met with D and we ordered and talked and laughed and teased.

Then I see a number on my cell phone that I dont recognize. I pick up thinking should I? Soemthing tells me yes. I do. Its my Aunt. Shes called to tell me that the procedure my Gramma got done (hysterectomy) went well. Though during the procedure she had a heart attack and was rushed to the Heart Institure in Ottawa. I got the relevant information.

Eyes got teary when D asked me if I was ok. I told him what happened and he gave me a hug. I wont go into how much I needed one.

I left, got lost and eventually found myself calling my sister telling her what happened. I went to pick her up and we both went on a journey to find parking.

Shes ok. Looks good. They inserted a stunt/stint? which took care of the clots and the clogged area. D's Dad was at the Heart Institute when he had a heart attack and he was telling me it was the ebst place to be for that.


Left Gramma to sleep and drove everyone home. Walked The Big Dog and finally went to bed at 2am.

Saturday.


Slept in. Thankfully. Made breakfast. Looked at myself in the mirror while questioning my life due to recent events to someone elses life. It feels a bit surreal. Someone I know and am related to is in the hospital... again.


I dont do well with sickness and things like this. My Aunt was diagnosed with Cancer and I felt awkward about it. Nothing to do with them. Its me.


My thoughts are not right. My thoughts go to mind over matter. Or is that called avoidance, ignorance, escapism? Just convince your body its not riddled with cancer cells. Youll be fine. Tell your heart to clean itself out. Breathe in the good clean air, acclimatize yourself to allergens so you wont react. Is ignorance really bliss? Sometimes.

If anything ever happens to me that I cant control. What will I do then? I dont want to think about it.

D brought up having a will. How morbid. Though I should have one. I think Ill make it a group activity. Bring everyone together and give them packages so we can get it all done at the same time so we know that weve done it and nothing is left to ... after... should it...

Was on the phone on and off with D. He was at work and invited me to visit him as he was bored. I thought that was sweet. I didnt as I was heading to another visit and then off to my own work.

Was really tired after work. Drained. I havent felt that way in a long time. Body felt tight and it felt like I havent been horizontal in weeks. I decided to just lay down for a few minutes and my body sighed in relief when I did.

I took a nap and was up and ready to go meet with D. I know. we were going out again. More food and drink. Must do more situps. We bumped into one of his friends and I wasnt introduced. I didnt know how to react so I was just there. Wondering if I was going to be introduced. It was funny as as Im getting out of the car that night I was thinking of what would happen if we bumped into one of his friends and what would happen. Well now I know.

It bothered me for all of 5 minutes and then I didnt think about it again. Until now. But it doesnt bother me. Its just one of those things I can shake my head at.

Drinks were really good. Mango Cremesicle Martinis. At the price they were asking it was worth it. Though On occasion not always as that would put a dent in my savings

Sunday.

Stayed home, relaxed in the morning. Went with my sister to visit my Gramma. Left for an early dinner and then ended up late for work. Thats ok. I still got everything done and managed to leave early.

Talked to D throughout the night and fell asleep after my bath.

268 - yesterday, today and tomorrow

Yesterday

Dropped my cell phone and it didn't want to turn on again for the rest of the day. Got a great deal for a new phone and I took it. I still have hope for my old phone.

Didn't get a call from friend who is in TPB. Was suppose to go out. Instead I stayed home, indulged in some fantastic movies of the adult kind. And by movies I mean about 45 minutes of one... during which I myself put on a fantastic epic performance of my own. To which promptly led me to a nap. Which brought on some kinky dreams of yours truly and some faceless men and quite possibly a woman on the sidelines though I woke up before ... so I have naught to report on that end ;)

Today

After a fantastic run and shower in the morning and being surprisingly awake seeing as I went to bed after midnight. Got to work and learned about a bonus coming to my bank account :) Was supposed to meet with D and that didn't happen.. again. No its not on purpose and no I don't mind THAT much. These things happen. I tell you I'm the best girl/friend to have. So understanding not to mention accommodating. Did some banking, celebrate another moment of triumph for being able to lower my cell phone bill AND get on a better plan than I currently have. Got free services extended for another couple of weeks and gave myself a pat on the back for doing all that with a female customer service rep.

Old phone turned on after trying it.. amazingly. Silly me turned it off and its in a deep sleep again. I'm not worried I still have my new phone :)

5 minutes ago.

Sent D a text message because I was full of happy thoughts and am in a fantastic mood. Just spent about 30 minutes on the phone w D and cant tell you details about what we talked about but it was just as good as a nap :) Refreshing and a definite energy boost.

Darling - :) I like u
D - Ah that was sweet

Which was promptly followed up by a phone call from D letting me know that he will call me later on as his phone is dying. As I'm smiling away and relishing the fact that I like just getting things out there sometimes and not worrying about the aftereffects/consequences of my statements or actions, I am thinking of cuddling with him

I'm stumbling. I know. Ill be OK. I have my eyes wide open and can see whats happening. I just hope Ive got some protective gear that are invisible to the eye. If not then I hope for a soft landing.

Later Today.

Dinner with AR, hopefully something naughty and titillating afterwards. THEN possibly seeing D for a few drinks. Yes same night. Yes D knows about AR. Have I not mentioned that I was honest about these things. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea or to imagine that I am leading someone on. Honesty and the best policy... unless...

Tomorrow.

Be happy its Friday though my days always have some form of work involved so Its not much of a weekend though I appreciate the decreased amount of work that I have for the following 2 days. There will be some daily flirting with the opposite sex and other items that fall under the category of life.

267 - iPod or not to iPod

My sister is thinking of getting an iPod. My brother has one, my aunt has one and now she out of many people that I know should have one. She goes through too many batteries with her MP3 player. To save the environment, she should get one. To save money, she should get one.


Shes still undecided on it and will wait which is fine. I think my brother and I will split the cost and get her one. The only thing is, when she gets hers. I will want one as well. I don't need one. Its one of those things that you feel you need to have but don't really need at all.

I don't need one. I don't think Ill get one. But I kind of do want one. Just like I kind of do want to get a facebook account. Like I kind of want to get a myspace account. There's a part of me that wants those things but the other part of me doesn't.


For various reasons of course some legitimate and others borderline strange. But they are my reasons. Maybe that will be another post.


So for now Ive asked my sister to be my DJ. Ive handed over my Mp3 player and asked her to fill it with music. It will be a surprise but I think.. I hope she knows what kind of music I like. Of course she does. I like the kind of music she listens to so I'm sure its going to be OK.

Shes had it for a few days now and I should get it tonight. Were getting together to do groceries together. We'll be able to re shelf items from each others carts that doesn't scream of health and wellness. That's what sisters do.

The new iPod Nano is out and its pretty cool. Id like a red one please. Then I looked at the other ones they have and the Classic iPod has 80 GB I don't know what that is/does but that's huge compared to the 4 or 8 GB in the new iPod nano. AND when you look at the price difference, its almost an easy jump to make. Darn my thought process and curses to my slow savings :)

It would be fun to have one of those sometime. It would also be fun to be able to use it and know what it all does. I'm not all that techy. I know enough to get around. If I don't know something I know where or who to go to to get the information.

I wonder what people put on the Ipods. Music, audio books, videos... but what kind other than the PG kind. I wonder if people put their porn on their iPods. You know a little stimulation while at work? or on the way home, while on the bus, in the library, during that conference call, that board meeting. I wonder... that's all.

So for those of you who do have one... what kind of videos do you have?

262 - underneath the surface

Another long weekend coming up. I feel like booking off work at the last minute or well.. really giving them as much notice as possible so that I can just go somewhere. Even if its an hour away somewhere. LOL Pitch a tent and sleep. Hopefully without any wildlife wanting to be tamed by yours truly. What? Stranger things have happened.

I'm not working at all on Monday. At any of my jobs so that's good. I don't quite know what to do with myself. I think ill go get my car checked out however I know they are closed for the long weekend as well so that's out of the question.

Maybe I should take a drive down with my sister to go cross border shopping. Oh wait I will need some serious spending money and I'm on a save money stint at the moment. That idea just wont do specially if I have to take my car which is in need of some work to go.

This is life telling me that I need to do something. I might spend the weekend doing some self evaluation and some cleansing/cleaning and organizing of my mind , body and soul.

I need to reconnect to... something that I'm not entirely sure of but something needs to be done. I feel a little disconnected. To what I'm not so sure. I cant explain it. It feels a little scary not knowing exactly how I feel. What is happening and what will happen. Something in the pit of my stomach is prepared for something not so nice.

I wrote a post about feeling something really intense and just wanting to have sex. Which would be the one thing that would fix, satisfy and ease whatever it was that was bothering me at that time. Its not quite that intense now but there's something just underneath the surface of calm that lies waiting.

The friend who is currently in The Penalty box called me and apologized for not calling the day before. I said it was OK and she mentioned going to a place called Heaven. Shes been a bit down as she recently took a pay cut. A big pay cut and now is struggling to make ends meet.

I feel a bit bad for my reaction but not really. I would hope that she knows that she can talk to me about things. Oh well. I know she knows that and when shes ready she knows where she can find me.

Oh and T called me! I havent heard from him in so long and I was so very excited to hear his voice. Hes got that melt my panties voice thats very very arousing. WE talked for about 30 minutes and we caught up on what was happening though I talked more so I hope he calls again soon so I can hear what hes been up to.


So lets hope that this weekend finds me well. Have a super duper fun filled weekend! :)

It will be a new month when I post again. I see changes in my future. Send out good thoughts for my plans for the future! :)

255 - whats your pleasure?

So D's on the phone with me last night and he asks me if I have heard of this place called the Le Nordik - Nature Spa http://www.lenordik.com/ for those of you who are curious to see what its about :)

I tell him that I have heard of it and want to visit it some day as it looks really relaxing. Ever so nonchalantly he mentions that 'maybe when you start your new job (hes oh so supportive about me getting this position) we'll be able to go together. I hear they have some great packages, we can have some wine, massages and relax in the pools together.'

Oh it might never happen but a girl like me? I'm happy with the idea and him mentioning the idea. I'm such a girl its unbelievable.

My plans with J fell through again. How many chances does a guy need? History? It was the third or was it the fourth time that we had planned to meet and something came up. Its also a bit strange that the only nights he can meet are Tuesday or Thursday nights. Fishy I say.

So I tell D that meeting with J isn't going to happen and that I feel a bit bored and restless as I was expecting to go out for a bit. He suggests me renting a movie. I tell him Ive already seen what I have and he repeats the renting part of his suggestion. Cheeky!

I tell him its a great idea and I ask him if he could stop by and pick up a movie and bring it over so we could watch it together. He laughs and tells me I'm non stop. I smile and laugh with him. You cant blame a girl for trying right?

So no movie. No date. Instead. I made a Mango Martini, ran a hot bubble bath, a book by Laurell K Hamilton 'The Harlequin' and parked my naked self into the bathtub for some self indulgences.

Who says I need to be out and about all the time? I can very well enjoy myself over and over all by myself :)

Today. I have strong memories and flashbacks of the self indulgences which makes for me looking forward to lunch with D all the more... intense.

On one hand, we may have sex at my place which would surely make both our days. On the other hand we may decide not to go to my place and instead go have lunch somewhere. Where it will drive me bananas because I'm thinking of what could be happening at my place. Its all good. Ive been able to enjoy the tease that it has become.

Not getting serious about anything with D. Its an adventure. One of those choose your own pleasure kind :)

Whats your pleasure?

254 - willing to admit

D - You are quiet today

Darling - :) wasn't sure if you were sleeping and didn't want to wake you if you were. That and I'm feeling great and I might have ended up telling you I think of you entirely way too much.

D - Wow

Darling - I know I know TMI.. I care so I share. Not meant to freak you out or anything. It is what is it The truth and don't feel put on the spot unless its a good one for you.

D - Not sure how to respond to that hmm

Darling - lol you don't have to in any way. Sometimes I share things that I should keep to myself. Maybe this was one of them.

D - Not on the spot but just not aware

Darling - Now you are and its OK. Nothings changed..at least on my end... really should censor myself more... If you're not cool with it.

D - No at least I know and that is a good thing

Darling - you knowing? or what I sent?

D - Me knowing

Darling - K the good thing is you'll always end up getting the scoop on where I'm coming from and while I'm shooting myself in the foot.. I do like you... enough to flat out say it. I also like things the way they are. Anyway don't think about it too much. Its all good. lol That's it for now. Ill stop

Being on the receiving end of someones affections is always harder than being the one to show affection.

Its easier to do the liking and telling because then its out in the open and out of my hands. The truth is out there and really. The truth shall set you free. Theres a big sigh of relief and the calm settles. Now whether its the calm before the storm or the calm after the world has righted itself is another story.

I just know that I can sleep really well during my nap time this afternoon. I wont be all giggly because I like someone. I wont be all anxious trying to figure out what will happen later. Whatever happens happens. I wont be questioning myself and my actions.

As long as I remain true. As long as you remain true to who you are then it cant be wrong.

I could have kept it to myself but I figured why not?

If he turns tail and runs then it shows a few things.l If he sticks it out then cool. It shows other things. Its a risk that I'm willing to take. I mean it still could happen that what I just did really isn't cool with him and that things will become D-less after a while.

Which I know is OK as my life will continue on and someone else may be the focus of all my goodness. But for now. Ill enjoy what Ive got.

In all honesty. I'm kind of a hypocrite. Someone within the past month told me he was ind of crazy about me a little bit. But because I wasn't interested I told him he was crazy and haven't talked to that person in a long time. Hes a coworker. Not my type, but nice guy. For someone else. Not me. We move, talk and live on a whole different set of speed and I only have so much patience per person at one time.

So If I get that same fate then Its just karma coming around to give me my due. But That's not to say the other things that are coming around full circle aren't also coming around at the time.

Had a conversation with D after my mid afternoon nap and basically... he wants to make sure that I don't get too attached. He doesn't want anyone to get hurt. Well he doesn't want me to get hurt because he sees me getting more and more attached. I said that was nice and I also made sure he knew that he would be the first to know if he should be worried.

I thought ...

First. That there really wont be anywhere that this goes.

Second. I'm glad I have a good healthy appetite for Soup.

Third. I'm not getting all girly about being told indirectly that its not going to go there for him.

Fourth. I'm OK with it.

Fifth. I should call K and let him know tonight would be a good night for him to come over.

Sixth. Remind myself that I should stop writing plots and subplots that may never happen.

Seventh. I'm still happy about sharing. Ill never stop. Its who I am. Open and honest.

Eighth... I think I'm finally willing to admit things i'll keep to myself for now.

He said he didn't want to see me get hurt. I said that I'm not that attached. I like him but I am talking to other people, meeting them and not banking on a relationship with him. The reasons to meet other people and go out have yet to be determined. But I am meeting them.

Even though its not the greatest conversation to have its one of the best in that its honest and we both know where we both stand.

The girl in me needs a hug. The woman in me is relieved that I'm still loose in a noose of my own making. The man in me wants to take some names and kick some ass.

----------------------------------

Happy Friday to all of you. I love long weekends. I don't have anything planned aside from work at J3. I'm sure something will come up. Oh and next weekend on Sunday to be exact I'll be serving drinks for the afternoon for a family reunion being held by my former employer.

Roughly 40+ people, there will be a performance by Elvis... yes thats right Elvis, a DJ and 2 BBQ's for meats and kebabs. Should be fun. There's also the pool to which I've been invited to use as well. We shall see.

I've also managed to bring one of my Gf's to serve with me so it should be fun. She's looking forward to some extra cash so it should be a great ol' time

I've been to the casino and forgot to mention that I won :) :) :) All 3 times that I went :)

1? (has no name yet) sounds like fun. More to come on 1? next week.

lol Im having a fantastic day I hope everyone is as well.

Oh and Tuxbaby... Im working on it. Im finding it a tad difficult... but it will be done :)

250 - Better mood

The world has righted itself again. Was it off kilter in the first place you wonder? Well maybe not your world but mine was just a teeny tiny bit.

My cell phone bill about $180.00
My cell phone was kaput.
Had to put The Little One to sleep.
Meet and greets aren't turning out so neat and sweet.

How has it righted itself?

I called my cell phone provider and managed to lower the bill to $68.08. I also managed to get until the end of Sept2007 free local calls and texts.

Leaving my cell phone laying in the sun on my bed with the fan blowing over it Its ALIVE! Its good to know that other people have gone through it and advice/tips are always worth listening to.

I had a dream with The Little One in it and shes happy. Theres a small weight off my shoulders as I was a little worried.

Its all a matter of time that the next meet and greet will be neat and sweet. Plus just because they might not be in the soup doesn't mean I just toss them aside. Ive made a new friend :)

248 - foul mood

Calling myself all sorts of stupid and anything idiotic today. Ive put myself in a foul mood. Foul Mood. FOUL MOOD.

The only way Ill feel better is to spend a whole lot of money to make it right. To make me feel better and to continue the life that I lead... normally. or as close to normal as I can manage.

Did I...

Option A - Get preggers. EEK!

Option B - Get arrested for indecent exposure. OK maybe not quite arrested... more like a slap on the bum for being so.. cheeky HA!

Option C - Drop my phone in the pool. Resuscitation was futile. There is no life in this phone.

So yeah I'm in a foul mood. Even morning sex couldn't take the cloud of frustration away. I'm sad, having all sorts of moments of self depreciation over a phone. Somethings wrong with me. Its my addiction other than doing the mambo horizontally.

I just want to crawl under the covers and sleep... in hopes of waking up beside a brand spanking new or same (but working) cell phone. If only it were that easy right?

Ill be heading to the cell phone place where I got it. Ive only had it since May 26th 2007. I'm hoping that Ill be able to get it sent out to be... blow dried? I mean what else can they do with it? I'm not sure what they can do or if it is even possible to be repaired... from water damage.

Well I guess this is the first CDA that Ive given it away in the same post what the answer was. I'm just too distraught. Overly. So much that I'm even considering asking for a hug. (sigh) Any takers? A nice solid hug, with arms that are strong, comforting and comfortable. I like hugs. By the by, I also wanted to make sure it was clear what my adventure was and that there are no big takers on Options A and B.

I need a hug. I'm tired and feel sappy.

Waking up at 430am for morning sex doesn't agree with me.. anymore. I'm not used to it since Ds schedule changed and were having less sex than before. I just want to go back to bed after work... Am I that lucky??

Nooooo... Today I have to meet... (draws a blank... doesn't want to confuse with tomorrows date...) Oh yes. I have a date with (thinks again to confirm if I'm thinking of the right person..)

Oh yes the date tonight is with B2 or is it B3? B2 I believe. Different names... it just happens to start with the same letter... Giving them numbers would just seem... wrong in a certain camp kind of way. (That's it for the negative connotation in this paragraph)

B2, coffee tonight. J, coffee tomorrow night. Incidentally, they are both at the same location. I'm not sure if that's the smartest thing for me to have done. Make it at the same place. I was thinking of going to a watering hole down the way but Ive already exhausted that location and I'm sure the waitresses think I must be the most popular thing since sliced bread. So I decided to give that place a break. Its one thing to go to the same place with the same people but if you go with different people all the time... well... you know.. Don't want anyone to get the wrong impression :)

I'm just a girl with a sometimes overbooked schedule.

OK so I had some spaghetti and I feel much better. Yes I made it. Not from scratch but it was still very good and Ive been told it tastes like it was made from scratch :) Made with love.. (awww)

Ive been told to let the phone dry out totally and bring it in to get replaced or repaired. I hope they can do that. Its been less than a year so its still under warranty. Lets hope shall we? I'm hoping it miraculously repairs itself and magically removes all charges for the rest of my life from its database LOL I know. I just want it to be OK and if its that bad then to get a new phone.

Ill be in withdrawals. I'm scared to find out how I will be without it. On my person everyday 24 hours, 7 days a week.

Don't worry... I have a backup :) When a girl knows her weakness.. she always makes sure theres a backup (wink)

Hope you all had a great weekend. Will catch up more later...

245 - Intimate

Fri night.

Had dinner with K at my place. Thai food. One of my favorites. Caught up on a lot of things as its been a while since Ive last seen him. He wore this black dress shirt with white vertical stripes that looked very good on him. Stylish.

Spent time with The Little One. Passed along messages from my Dad in San Diego that he loves her and misses her, that shes been a great part of the family.

I had the intentions of going for groceries after work which never happened. Dont worry I am far from starving.

I walked K down and got into my car. I went to the corner store to get a bottle of water. Walked to the DQ beside the store to use the ladies room. Drove to meet D and his friend for drinks. Much fun.

A little frustrating as D and I didnt have sex at the end of the night. Even after repeated mentions of my intentions. I left 20 minutes before they did and he noticed that I was a little 'not myself'.

I didnt want to wait until they both finished their drinks so I decided to leave. I had to have some control over something, anything obviously my libido wasnt listening to me. So I decided to leave. It was almost closing time for the place anyway. Kiss for D and a quick hug for his friend.

I walked out and didnt look back. Im home and my phone rings. Its D.

D - Youre mad arent you?
Darling - No Im not mad, really. I know you wanted to but couldnt. Im not mad.
D - If this was 3 years ago.. even 2 years ago. Things would be different.
Darling - Yeah
D - I wouldnt have let you walk out of there alone. Theres no way. I wouldnt have taken you there at all. We would just head to your place.
Darling - Theres a thought :)
...

Theres something honest and vulnerable about him during the phone call. I mean I could have been wrong. But there was something there. I know I felt assured... of something. It was a nice feeling. It felt kind of like the after sex cuddle. Intimate. Thats the word.

I pick up The Little One and take her to bed with me. I talk to her and tell her everything that doesnt get voiced with anyone else. I cry. I pull her close to me and she crawls up to my face and licks the tears away. I battle with the conflict in my mind and hold her close.

We fall asleep together. I hope tomorrow doesnt come.

242 - You Are The Best

D - I'm getting more sleep and I feel better

Darling - That's great, hows your sex life?

D - I know I know its taking a beating.

Darling - Mine too.. if you were wondering

D- It'll get better I promise, I'm thinking a couple of times a week is good

Darling - Whoa tiger. Can you handle it that many times?

D - I know but that should keep you happy

Darling - You have no idea what it will take to keep me happy do you?

D- You're like non-stop!

Which brings up the fact that he thinks I am worse than a guy. Is that possible? I don't know what its like to be a guy so I'm not quite sure.

D - Yeah after you have an orgasm its like a switch and you want more

Darling - Isn't that how everyone is? How can you stop an avalanche? Tell me I'm not the only one that wants to keep going.

D - well... not many people are... I guess.

Darling - hmmm Ill see what I can do about that... (not?)



I asked him if we can meet after I go out.



D - But you're already going out

Darling - I know. I'm talking about afterwards

D - laughs

Darling- I'm trying to fit it all in, make time for everyone.

D - We'll see

K is babysitting a friends cat. He took the cat home to make cat sitting easier on him but ended up losing the cat somewhere inside him house. Hiding from his own cats as now they have to share his attentions.

He tells me that he hasn't the cat in half a day and I assure him she will show up sooner or later. I get a text from K that reads Cat Found!

I reply after a few minutes with, I had no doubt of your ability to attract pussy.

His reply, Cheeky.

I'm glad he doesn't have to explain the disappearance of the cat.

FIFA tonight ladies and gents. Lets hope for a busy, non stop, beer drinking fest. Ive saved my nails from being torn to bits by bringing a simple bottle opener which doubles as my beer tab lifting buddy. It never leaves my hand even as I hand over change. I am the best.

Speaking of the best. Let me share with you my little secret of a pick me up. Sounds a bit loser-ish but I decided to do the same thing to most of the people I have on my phone that can receive text messages. I sent a message to myself saying. YOU ARE THE BEST!!

I wont go into details about affirmations and my thought process. I just know that when I read the message on the screen of my cell phone. I felt like the best. I wanted to share that with everyone I knew so I sent them all messages saying the same thing. Not that I was the best because I already knew that. But that they were the best.

I wanted to spread the feel good feeling. I'm nice like that. Since I know I cant satisfy everyone sexually... That would be a feat wouldn't it? Since I cant do that to my male and female friends I wanted to share some kind of warm fuzzy and make their day a bit better and have them smile at least once. So most of them saw the message and did smile and called or sent me a text back.

I won at the casino last night. Ate well and enjoyed the food, wine and company very much. Lots of conversation and laughter. A few glances to other tables showed groups of men together... looking back. It might have been the chocolate sauce I was licking off of my finger but it could also have been the skirt that seems to get shorter every time I wear it. That or my friends ample bosom. Might be a bit of all of the above.

I don't know how to play craps, I don't understand any of the lingo. But I do understand that I did very well for a long time just throwing the dice. I had no clue what I was trying to have come up. No one would tell me. But they were all happy for a while. Until they did a shift change. I knew I should have stopped and asked to change dice... I'm not even sure if that was OK but I wanted to ask. Didn't get a good vibe and knew it would be a bad roll. So I rolled and got a 7 which apparently wasn't good.

I went off and played roulette and won my money there. I should have stayed and played longer but they wanted to leave so I did. Its OK. Leave when you're ahead right?

I did get a call from D while I was having chocolate covered pineapples asking me not to call or text message him if I was out late and needed someone to call/text. I felt a little insulted and told him not to worry he wont be the lucky recipient of any of that, that night.

I know he didn't mean to insult me. He explained by saying that he would wake up if I called or sent a text and he didn't want to turn his phone off while it was charging...waiting for a call from work ... didn't want to miss it and so on.

That's fine with me. Its a new day today and Ive got plans with K tomorrow. J on Tues. Plans with B to have coffee is TBA.

I wont introduce the others... yet. When theres something to share they'll make their appearance. I still have to go through the process of seeing if there is something worth putting effort in with them.

There is a process you know. Its not just those who are interested welcome. Its an interesting process but its mine and people should have safeguards and procedures they follow otherwise its just a matter of time before things become uncomfortable and weird. Don't ask what the procedure is. Its never the same and usually is different per person but the outcome is the same. The general idea is there and and and...

Oh well more for another time.

Don't forget. YOU ARE THE BEST!! :)

241 - additions

I'm thinking in my head that this is something that needs to be dealt with. Its something that I cant have looming up at me in the middle of the day. I blame D. No, I cant, its not all his fault. He was just the trigger. He started this all with an orgasm. Now I want more.

Hes not able to. Give me more that is. So I'm left to my own devices... and quite frankly I don't want to be left with my devices. Time to bring in The Soup. This is why The Soup exists :)

I had to go run a couple of errands and then had planned on meeting with J. Who called to reschedule. ARGGHH!! That's OK. Hes working on opening up his pool and wanted to get it all done in one day. I was invited to use it anytime. I wonder if he decided to open his pool because he heard about my bikini that I wanted to use and have yet to. That couldn't be it.

I put myself under house arrest when I got home. Kind of climbed the walls for a little while. meditated but all I had in my mind were images of me in various positions with blissful expressions on my face. Meditation didn't help. So I put on some music and danced. Soon I noticed that stripper like songs were coming on and that just reminded me of nakedness.

I indulged in some moves that didn't involve a pole and laughed at myself. Still it was a good time. Maybe one day ill have that pole.

I played tug of war with The Big Dog. I win. I always win. Cant have her win otherwise she gloats :) I spent some time with The Little One. Shes not doing so well anymore. For a while she was doing very well. The eye drops and ear ointment seem to have helped a lot. But other things are coming up and shes not looking as happy.

The quality of life has gone down and its time. Really. I'm glad to have has this extra time with her. Its been great. My brother has been spending more time with her as well and has also noticed the decline.

I though to myself if I was in her position what would I want. To go.

Playing with the Little One took me out off of the train to orgasm and made me spend more time with them. Good times. Took some pictures. Told them secrets no one else knows. I know they wont tell anyone. I talked about this and that which helped get it off my chest and mind.

I tired them out and they both went to their beds which are side by side. I went to my room and slept.

Didn't want to get up this morning. Having a lazy day. Nap time for sure later on and then Casino night with a girlfriend and her dad. Should make for an interesting night.

D couldn't meet for lunch today. His dad is coming by to discuss a few things and plan some other things with him. Bummer. Maybe tonight after the casino? We shall see.

I sent K a text while I was in bed last and he called me back immediately. Caught up on things and made plans to meet this Friday night. Hes coming over with dinner. August is coming up fast so I think ill take advantage, I don't think he will mind. I'm also going to pick his male brain apart. He thinks its cute when I do and likes the way I think out loud when were together. Says it gives him an insight to me.

B is in TO until next week. I talked to him for a while too last night and we had a good conversation. We'll get together sometime when he returns. Maybe catch a movie. B called about an hour or so ago thinking I wouldn't answer. He was surprised to hear me answer and I think I flustered him a little bit. He wanted to find out how I slept last night and was planning on leaving me a message. Seeing as he was the last person I talked to. He called and interrupted my sleep which I told him he would pay dearly for. So he sang me a lullaby... well.. he started... didn't finish but he did lull me back to sleep. Bidding me sweet dreams. Nice voice.

So his call today was to let me know hes on his way to Alberta, has a meeting there and will be back in TO tonight. How man will travel. I told him I wasn't happy that I wasn't invited on the trip. Maybe next time he says. We shall see wont we. So when hes back in Ottawa he'll call me again. Looking forward to it B.

B1 is new. Not to be mistaken for B(above) He is interesting. They both are. But B1 is interesting with a twist. Wont go into details yet about him just yet. Ill let things settle first. Hes calling me tonight sometime to discuss when we can go for a drink. I think hes trying to be a 'good boy' and not upset me. It will be interesting with him.

I just called D and told him I was hit by the hornies. He growled something sexy in my ear which didn't help in the pooling dept. Oh how sweet it would have been to meet for a quickie. He thinks I'm constantly on the go. Both socially and sexually. He likes it but I get the feeling he doesn't like it at the same time. Oh well. Ill continue to do what I do.

We had a conversation about Las Vegas and how he wanted to go... I told him I wanted to go too... yes Ill admit I wanted him to ask me to go with him. (blush) He didn't. So I said that's OK Ill go with a friend who I have been meaning to go with for the longest time :) The time is coming. I hope. Should be fun.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas... well... of course Ill blog about it. Don't you worry. Sharing is caring, right?!?

He mentioned going to a place where it might be better if I went with a boyfriend... and I said 'well seeing as I don't have one of those at the moment. I think Ill have to make it on my own' again.. I was fishing. Don't ask me what I was thinking. I was fishing and kind of wanted to find out what we are. Which I already know but I want to make sure by hearing it from him and all this just left me in the exact same place as I was before.

Right here :)

237 - meeting friends

This weekend was great. I worked FIFA U-20 on Saturday and it was great. Lots of fun, lots of people, lots of them drinking and coming back for more. Tips that night were great and I have pocket money for the next week. Which incidentally is also a 4 day week :) Love it when that happens!

Saturday night after working FIFA. D and I start texting right away and he tells me hes out with the boys for a night out and really wants to get together with me afterwards. Yeah its been a while. I know this, he knows this and as of now and what I shared on my post on Friday so do you. I want to get together with him too. I go home about midnight, shower then slip into a nightie and check the lighting and atmosphere. I don't spend much time doing that as its always primed and ready for .. action. My apartment that is... Me on the other hand... well.. that's another story. Or is it?

After a few more texts I become Ds DD for the night. Ill pick him up later on and take him home mu hu ha ha! My home that is. What Ill do with him when I get him there is well... I'm sure you all have an idea or few :)

10 minutes later change of plans. If I want to... I can meet up with him now and meet him at the bar where he and his friends are. Who I have never met. ARG! I kind of have a mind bomb.

I'm really shy you see. I'm pretty shy. I'm very shy. I'm quiet, kind of reserved sometimes and very private. OK I have moments of all the above. It doesn't always happen that they all happen all at the same time. A mind bomb is when it all happens at the same time. When I fell really shy, quiet, reserved and private... add insecure to the mix and there you have a mind bomb.

It lasted long enough for my libido to diffuse the mind bomb which got me into... after much debate on what to wear... into a little black skirt with a little black tank top, sexy heels and and a black sweater. The shyness got through and pulled the sweater on before I left the apartment. Its good to be shy sometimes... it ended up a little chilly and it was perfect for the night. I was dressed.. sexy smart :)

I find parking and bump into a tall man on the street who asks me where I am headed and I let him know I'm heading to the bar. He walks me there a block and a half down and kisses my hand. Sweet. I ring D and he comes out and talks to the doorman who lets me in no questions.

Did I mention I was a little nervous? I'm meeting his friends who hes known since he was 5 years old and one of them an investment banker who tore down a 6 figure home and had another built for 1.5 billion dollars? Another is a paramedic from Calgary. The last one? Never did find out :)

Met his friend R first and got along great from the get go. Phew! He said he loved the way I smelled and asked me if it was my perfume, shampoo or what? I told him it was natural. He laughed and said that could get addicting. I laughed with him and asked him how drunk D was and he said the appropriate thing. Not at all. Good friend. I knew D was there and have been for a while. I'm glad hes a happy drunk. Makes for a good time.

D orders a round for everyone and we carry drinks to the boys on the patio and may I say that I was greeted warmly. Kisses and hugs and laughter. What more could I have asked for? Of yes that's right. Flattery. R for the scent I had on. H for how I looked. G for wondering if they were real or not.

So light banter was exchanged and I gave as good as I got. I saw these men chat up a couple of blond 21 year olds and I felt a little like chopped liver. What can I say? Tall blond leggy ladies always seem to ... well.. that's another post. Anyway. I enjoyed the entertainment. 2 young TBLs who didn't have a clue how to handle the attentions of 3-4 (I say 3-4 because D was there but not paying 'much' attention to them like the rest were) OK so I watched them all and heard the conversation and the subject of ages came up. The ladies aren't into older men. Pity. More for me :)

They didn't know how to handle them. From what I could tell. Did I mention they were all good looking? Anyway... the ladies left and when they did... I heard how they really felt. One had a huge ass. Nice hair, not so nice face. But all in all. Bad attitude. I threw in that 'you guys are awful with women!' Which got me the explanation that their attitudes were awful. So being hot means nothing if the attitude isn't there.

Which brought the conversation to me. Somehow. I wasn't trying to fish and they started to talk about me, right in front of me. It was a little discerning but also quite intriguing. Of course I stayed and held my breath because if I heard anything negative I would have been swallowed by the ground with embarrassment.

Great attitude, no BS, flirty without going over the top. Great body, good looking and can handle being alone with 4 guys who are talking about her. We all laugh and its an all around great night. I don't plan on drinking but have a 3 glasses of rum and diet coke. I spend some time with H and great guy. Hes the one from Calgary. One of D's oldest friends. Who apparently has a memory like an elephant. I test this and tell him my first, middle and last name once. He should before we part for the night recall it for me.

He asked me how D and I met. I blushed and told him that Id let D tell him the story. I wasn't even sure how I feel about how I met D. I don't even think Ive blogged about it. Oh well. I'm not about to now :) dun dun dunnnn...

I get some alone time with D. The boys all look at each other and one comes up with a reason to go in. The rest follow. It looks like it was done on purpose. So D and I make out. Actually I fix my mouth on his and we kiss. He had no choice. Well he did. He just chose to go along with it :) Weeeee!!

The boys come back with more drinks in hand. I haven't finished mine and they tell me to hurry up and catch up. I tell them if I were to catch up I think Id need a whole bottle and a few shots to get where they are. They said that could be arranged and I laughed and told them to be good.

The subject returned to younger women and older men and I kept quiet and listened to them go on about how its much better to be with an older man. I smiled inwardly thinking its nothing I haven't learned before on my own but it was nice to hear. Quite endearing. Its all about finding someone that thinks the same way. Some will. Some wont.

Which brings their next question to me. How old was I? I laugh and ask them how old they think I am. I get kind of nervous and think is there an age where I shouldn't ask this anymore as they might actually think I'm older than I am? Which means that my looks show that I am older than I really am and that wouldn't be good. Who wants to look older than they are? Not me that's for sure.

I get 22 from G, 23-24 from R and '2 and 7' from H. H wins a hug from me and I wonder a couple of things. D heads inside to get another round and leaves me with these guys to which I protest jokingly telling him I might not be safe with these guys. To which the said guys all laugh. Flattery goes both ways. Nothing I cant handle. I am woman watch me flirt.

I wonder if D told H how old I was? I wonder if guys purposely spout a number they know to be less than what they actually think/know to flatter someone. I wonder if I should censor myself before asking that last I wonder above.

With that out in the open. They say no, not at all. Oh well. That answer works for me. D returns and I do my duty telling G and H that smoking is bad for them. I find them a light and do my duty as the volunteer wing girl to try to hook them up with available ladies.

The ladies notice how nice I am and all that. Which brings the boys attentions back to me. I'm not trying to get the attention. Its just happening, Its times like these that I am happy in the shadows. I walk to D and I whisper that I cant wait to get him home. He laughs and nibbles on my ear. YUM.

I get pulled away by H who tells D to share. I raise my eyebrow and H says that we should go dance. We head inside and the sweater comes off and eyes take in what was previously covered. The question of whether they were real or not comes back up and I told them they were fake. Mouths dropped open which were helped closed by the next guy and laughter was heard.

They all wanted to feel and I laughed. D however felt the need to exert his presence and reach over to feel a breast. Real he says but the guys are all wanting to feel now too and I laugh it off. R asks how D gets to touch and I look at him and said something along the lines of us having been intimate and like a lightning bolt I hear well we can do that too. He got me there. I laugh that one off too.

After an offer of a hotel room being rented for their viewing pleasure was dutifully declined by yours truly. I promptly took D away, but not after being the social butterfly and making sure they all knew that I enjoyed their company. I did have a lot of fun. It was good to go out and meet some more of his friends. More on that thought later.

Hours later at home and quite a mess later... details aren't really needed are they? (smile) I drove D home. I got back home to my bed about 430am.

Get a wake up call on Sunday at 7am. Misery sure does love company. Thanks for interrupting my dream D. Thanks.

236 - funky thought process

I'm agitated. I'm irritated and I'm more bummed than mad.

D - 'you're mad aren't you?'
Darling - 'no I'm not mad... I'm just not happy'
D - 'ourrrrghh'
Darling - 'Ive been waiting for a long time and I've been looking forward to it... I'm just bummed its not happening.'

Hes been waiting the exact amount of time but it doesn't seem to bother him as much and here is where ill go all funky thought process..

-Hes having sex with someone else which is why it doesn't bother him as much that we aren't having sex.(last night only lol)
-Hes no longer interested in sex... with me.
-He thinks I'm a fat cow and wants to have sex with someone else.
-I'm boring in bed and he wants someone that isn't.

I warned you about the funky thought process! That lasted about 5 minutes so you know. I feel better this morning and a bit silly at how I reacted. Kind of childish as it was a pout and stomp my foot moment.

Actual reason we didn't have sex last night. He had to go. Responsibilities, hes keeping his promises.

I cant really fault him for that. It shows that his word is gold. When he says something its done. Unless it involves sex with me. That's something that can be just be put on the side if something should come up. So far there hasn't been a reason that I don't agree with.

I should really apply some sort of qualification or standard when it comes to getting together with him. I should practice saying no...is that what it sounds like I meant in the previous line? Makes it sound like I never say no and that I am easy doesn't it? Think whatever you want to. I know I'm not having the amount of sex that I clearly want.

Call me a prude I have standards and I wont just jump into bed with just anyone. But when I find someone that I want to jump in bed with you can bet that its often that I want the bed jumping to happen.

Ive said it before. The more sex I have the more sex I want. Its a never ending cycle. Well that's not true. If I stop having sex then Ill still want more sex. just not as much as I would if I were already having sex.

I don't take it all personally. I know that he has things he has to do and cant always take care of me like Id like him to. If he were able to he would he says. That helps make me feel better, but you know what would really make me feel better? Having sex with him.

Its not all about sex but I cant explain it. I want to be able to but I cant. Maybe one day Ill try just for fun and just to be able to work my thoughts out into the open to see if I really am kind of twisted or just plain clueless. Other options to how it will all turn out is available and highly possible.

So no sex for me last night. Though the bartender taking care of us sure was giving me all the right signals. There were winks, secret looks down my body, kisses blown my way and I was with 2 guys. That's balls. Which I of course was highly entertained by.

On the way out. He had parked his car right in front of the pub and I around the corner. No kiss goodbye. No hug. I asked if he was coming over, he looked at his cell and said no time. I wanted to at least have a kiss and I didn't get it. Not even a peck. So when his friend was walking down to us, I just turned around and walked towards my car.

I didn't look back, I didn't care. I just wanted to scream. I couldn't out loud, so I had a mental one instead. I was all geared for sex, ready for it and wasn't getting any encouragement from him. I got in my car and looked at my cell phone thinking who should I call?

I drive and pass them on the road. I don't stop, I just wave when they see me and I keep driving. Why stop? I'm not going to get any. I'm frustrated, irritated and feel like Ive just been rejected.

Enter feeling like a cow. Short skirt I have on with heels and I know they were eyeing other ladies. I don't mind this, look all you want. Just have sex with me after, specially if we've been wanting to get together for a few days. I know I look good and don't really look like a cow otherwise I wouldn't have attracted any attention like I did when I walked into the bar. Its just one of those strange women things that come over us. Really if I could I would rather not feel that way.

My week sexually?

Sex Monday at lunch.
Tuesday, a friend spent the night. Who is the first to ever sleep over the whole night :)
Wednesday I was the recipient of some fantastic oral sex and body massage.
Thursday night held possibilities which did not materialize.
Today being Friday D asked if we could get together for lunch. I don't think it will happen. But its still early.

Weekend plan for sex? If it happens great if not then... There's always next week.

Upcoming plans? Bartending FIFA games. I caught part of the Argentina team practicing and the talent is inspiring and they looked like they were having fun which makes it all so much more appealing.

I had a fleeting thought of Hmmm Athletes. Then I reminded myself that it was FIFA Under 20. which made me laugh at myself.

Canada Day Celebrations this weekend. Long weekend, lots of get togethers, BBQs, much love, hugs and well wishes to go around. Lots of red and white to be worn. No work Monday. Hopefully some patriotic sex to finish off the celebrations :)

Happy Canada Day Everyone!!

232 - recap

My week so far

Mon J1, sex with D at lunch, after J1 off to J2, then home to nurse my finger. Walked, played and fed the dogs. Mentally surrounded myself with a healing aura. Showered. D cancels due to something coming up and that's OK with me. I'm pretty understanding and try not to freak out about everything.

Tues J1, actual lunch with D, after J1 off to J2, then out with drinks with a friend. Home, walked, played and fed the dogs, showered then fell asleep meanwhile D was outside my Apt building trying to get in to see me. He tried calling and texting, nothing woke me up. Or so he says. How could I have missed an opportunity to have sex? Unheard of! I told him to throw rocks at my window if that should ever occur, which it shouldn't. He was worried about hitting the old lady's window on the 4th floor. I told him to aim high enough to hit my window on the 12th floor.

Wed J1, no lunch with D but had a fantastic nap. Was in a meeting all afternoon and then off to J2. Then out for drinks with one of my GFs and her SO who just got back from Mexico. Good times. Home, walked, played and fed the dogs. Sent D a text asking if he missed me. He replied 'of course I missed you' That made me blush. I'm such an attention whore. (sometimes)

Thursday (today) J1, no lunch with D, then off to J2. I don't want to go out tonight and do anything, I just want to catch up on sleep. Working 15 hour days and going out for a few more hours socializing til the wee hours have allowed the nappies to hit me more often. D is working his last shift for this stretch and he will be starting his new one Monday.

Tomorrow is Friday. D and I are spending it together. I don't know what were doing. Most probably going out to a patio for drinks, weather permitting that is. I'm hoping for a long night of hot and heavy recreational activities.

No plans for the weekend though I have to wonder if I want to go to work with my finger all stitched up. I might just have to wear those finger condoms.

Update on the finger, Its doing well. No more bandages and I haven't managed to reopen anything which surprises me as Ive been running around. Its fun, nothing spectacular.

Just Darling.