395 - junkie

Sexually frustrated in Ottawa. Blunt yes. Its a cycle like anything else I think. Ive been good though and haven't been getting around like I used to... in a nice sense. I know that doesn't sound healthy but It sounds worse than it is.

I'm just saying that D isn't able to fulfill my needs all the time. As much as Id like and as often as Id like. So its frustrating. D and I are just friends BTW. Theres no ties between us. But I still feels the sting of guilt. This is a problem and this is why I am frustrated.

I feel like I'm in a monogamous relationship when I in fact am not in such a thing. I cant say how he feels and I don't think Ill be asking him again anytime soon. I tend to ask questions, lots of them.

So I remain sexually frustrated and find myself fantasizing about guys I shouldn't be fantasizing about just to up the titillating meter so that in the event of a self induced orgasm the POW will be even more satisfying. Junkie much? Oh yes.

370 - whats in my mind

I'm still in that place where its hard to walk around and feel normal. I wonder if people can tell theres something wrong with me. That in my mind I'm thinking of whether to go up to someone and ask them to follow me for a no strings attached sex. A stranger. Someone Ive never met and someone Ill hope to never see again after a much needed tryst.

Ive always thought about things like that but not with this intensity. This unidentifiable need to feel someone sliding in and out of me. To feel their hot breath against my neck. To make them kiss me deeply while my legs wrap around them pulling them in closer.

I wonder if its some fucked up way of me needing something that I'm not getting. Sex? Could be? Feeling? Might be. Love? What is that? Is it some way my way of being fulfilled in a way that I'm currently not and me finding it in the arms of someone that I don't have any serious, meaningful or strong relations with.

Or am I just living life and have my hormones fly off the handle because I'm at a certain point in my life where my body needs more sex? Where I should be settling down. Is that the place I am at? Is this all normal for women or men for that matter?

Or is this just the way that things go because its a numbers game and eventually Ill find someone that sticks. Someone that doesn't mind my idiosyncrasies my twisted neurosis. My ever changing double standards. Maybe they mind all the above. Maybe they mind but can live with it because I accept them for theirs. Might even love them because they have their own quirks.

The fucked up thing is. I keep going back to D. He accepts all the quirks that I have. All the mind numbingly silly questions I have. From the things Ive done in the past to some of the things that I'm curious about in the future. He takes it all and doesn't make me feel like a freak.

I guess though... the difference is... He doesn't have to care. He just have to sift through it all and make nice because... he doesn't have to go home to me every night. Its just a part of his day and at night he goes home to his son.

SE? The fastest rising new boy that I have? He might do some damage and actually do something with me. I'm hoping. Ive already broken down and had sex with him. My fault... though I blame it on him too.. but I'm equally to blame. Strange. I didn't have the talk with him that I usually do with most guys I sleep with.

So that puts me in an awkward position. Where to go from here. Its even more awkward that we work together. I know Ive been a huge advocate about not dating anyone I work with. But ... and I'm justifying here or making excuses... call it what you want. But I'm not dating him... were just having sex.

I know he wants more. Hes looking for that someone. That special someone. I am too... in an I'm going to deny it kind of way because I like being single as much as the next married person does.

What do I make of SE? I'm not sure yet. Maybe I shouldn't put any eggs in his basket and let fate do its thing. Its already a bit odd because of other things but I wont rush anything and soon I'm sure he and I will have a talk about details.

A calls me numerous times daily. Sometimes to the point of irritation. Sometimes if I let it go to voicemail. Ill listen to it sometime late and hear his rendition of Mr Wonders 'I just called...' song. As a friend he loves me. As a woman he wants to sleep with me. I know this.

SB calls me on and off to try to have phone sex and Ive never found a way to get out of it politely. In the middle of it you cant just say 'oh I have someone on the other line Ill have to let you go.' or 'you know this isn't really doing anything for me at the moment' The only way Ive found to get out of phone sex is to not let it start at all. Which can be a little tricky but with enough practice and promise of making it up at a later time... (when its to my benefit) Its not so bad.

I'm contemplating adding to the The Soup but because its difficult to keep in touch sometimes it will be at a snails pace. However if there is an addition worthy to share. Ill definitely share.

332 - Go Sens Go :)

Darling 'I have a question.'

D - OK...

Darling Well, ...............(silence on my end)..... Um Never mind

D - ok...

Darling - Its just that it will sound vain and shallow...

D - If you have a question just ask. Its ok.

Darling changes the topic and we both laugh at something funny and as hes laughing... I ask very softly...

Darling - Do you think I'm pretty?

D - Do I think you're pretty? I know I'm not very giving when it comes to that kind of thing... but wait a sec do you think I would be sleeping with you if you weren't.

Darling - Well... Im sure it happens out there to some people. I...

D - I think you're really pretty.

Snippets of conversations from last night with D.

D - Guys at work will fall over themselves over you. You will love the attention. I know this.

Darling - Oh yeah? says who? You know... I think its already happening and I'm only in training. They were trying to convince me to buy a house and if I needed my driveway cleared of snow, they were sure they could have a list of guys who would love to help me out in that area... besides... I like the attention that I get from you.

D - (smiles and gives me a kiss)

I hadn't seen him in more than a week and it was getting to the point where we were both getting frustrated about that. So he came over last night after work and we had sex. It was great. I cant even write about it. Yet :)

My body still living in the memory of last night and is doing all very good things at the moment. TMI.. sorry.

D - Did I tell you about my new budget?

Darling - (laughs) another one? What happened to the previous one?

D - I didn't have a previous one.

Darling - Yes you did... (and I went into detail about what it was and he agreed with me.)

D - OK well this one is a bit different.

We talk about it and Its very doable. He mentioned that he will keep the budget until I'm done training as then it will have to be upped as we'll see each other more. As we wont see each other or go out as much in the next 5 weeks because of me still being in training. I told him to enjoy the savings as it will change when I'm on the priority list in 5 weeks.

I do expect to be on some kind of priority list when I a finished training.

He told me what he made on his lat pay cheque and in my head I wowed but thats OK, Ill make that same amount.. not for 2 years but thats OK. Time flies does it not? He asked how I was with my finances and I told him I wasn't worried about it as I wasn't thinking about it.

I mean I haven't changed any of my habits. I still go shopping and pick up things that I know I might not need and end up giving away. If I don't end up making dinner for myself then I eat something easy like soup and sammies.

Ive been eating really healthy and am continuing the daily use of the treadmill which helps when I come home from training.

Training is fun though I think thats just my personal way of putting a spin on what some people call intense and difficult. Its all in how you look at things.

More to come and I'm trying to find time to finish posts and reply to comments. Ive got a USB thingy that I can use to start and work on posts so its a matter of just getting the internet to hook it all up with. I'm looking forward to it and Go Sens Go!

:)

324 - in the air

They are on a hiring frenzie here at J1. The rest of the group is a bit put off by it, because not only are they hiring someone to replace me. They are looking to hire a second person as well. They have each individually spoken to management and brought up the topic of a raise and that was turned down.

Someone put it this way. 'They need to hire two people to replace you?' I just laughed at that and silently agreed.

Instead of keeping their current employees happy they will go ahead and hire someone newOK 2 new people now. Im not sure why that is as they will save more money by giving everyone a raise. Keep them happy and show them that they are valued as employees. When the department brings in, in one month 45 Gs more than the same month the year before. Theres room to share the wealth, just a tiny bit of it.

There are 2 other people in my dept who are looking for something different. They are seeing that there is no give from the company even when they are working hard and producing. I dont blame them. One day after theyve hired enough people and are trying to figure out why they cant hold on to their employees they might decide to make the position a little more attractive by making it more attractive.

So Im happy that I have found something new and different. Im nervous about it but thats normal. They are calling for 25+ cm of snow starting today. Im not looking forward to that. I think it will be a movie night in.

I see D once a week now that our schedules are insane again. I miss him a little but not enough to make me do anything rash. He calls me throughout the day and we talk for a while. Its nice. Im not asking to see more of him. I shouldnt have to. Its at a point where Im backing away little by little.

I went out with one of my girlfriends who works with someone that wants to meet me. I asked her if I knew him and she said no. I asked her how he knew about me and she has mentioned me a few times in their conversations. She wants to set us up. I told her to go for it.

I told her a few things regarding The Soup and how things are going there and she asked me if I had time to meet with J2. I said Id make time. Its never THAT busy. I can always make time to meet with someone for 30 min to see if theres anything there to pursue. No matter if they dont make it in The Soup for any reason. That doesnt mean were not meant to be friends.

I have missed 2 of J1s calls. Im undecided about J. Im thinking of how I can fit J into my schedule and how much maintenance it will be to keep him in The Soup. Here are my thoughts. He is mobile which works for me as he lives about a 45 minute drive from me and Im not familiar with his area and well... Im just not a fan of long commutes.

His only mode of communication is the telephone. Which I usally dont mind as thats usually the best way to get me. But I do enjoy the occaional email. What I dont like is that he only calls me between 4-5pm. If I should be busy and in the middle of something or tied up :) I dont have a number to reach him so I just leave it to him to get in touch with me and leave messages if he cant get me.

Which makes me think that he has either a girlfriend/wife that wouldnt appreciate a message left for him from yours truly. I know youre thinking that I should just ask for his number but Ill pass. That means that I have the ability to call him, which I wont. So theres no real point in having it.

We shall see.

I heard from A and hes working on something and will call me back to let me know. Hes another elusive one. Im glad nothing sexual has happened between us. (for now) As it seems it would be a vanishing act after the act. I hear from him every few weeks if that. So I wouldnt want to get physically involved with someone that I knew wasnt... reliable, consistent or detailed. But things could always turn around. Who knows!?

M3 is thinking of coming to Ottawa for a night if my plans for a vacation dont go through. Im undecided there as he has certain ideas and Im all for them but on my time. I tell him that it will happen just not when he wants it because I dont plan things all the time. When things are planned I feel out of place. IE. Planning to go out for dinner and drinks is ok. What happens during dinner and while were having drinks is unknown. Hes got ideas of going to a place and having this done and that done and then continue to do this and that.


That doesnt do it for me and really doesnt do him any good as it just turns me off and away from wanting to do things with him. I try to tell him that but when thats all hes thinking of and hes thinking that hes lucky that I havent slapped him in the face and walked away. I think he thinks I like it but I dont. Again Ive told him and he just wont listen.

What he doesnt understand is that we will get together and when we do we will.. do things. It just wont be how he thinks it will happen. Leave some spontenaity in it. I told him that expecting things to happen a certain way will only leave him disappointed.

If I happen not to go away for a week I think Ill visit a friend of mine in Toronto. Time away for relaxing. Things are all up in the air.

322 - soup and snow

I haven't seen D as much as I would have liked since his return, we've both been busy. Ive seen him once and that was yesterday and it went well. I'm nervous about seeing him again though.

I either want to blow his mind, just take control and have my way with him. Or I want it slow and sweet and still blow his mind of course. Its me not him. I feel shy like meeting someone new. That kind of shyness. I guess its just uncertainty. But I think that this time its normal as we had a serious conversation.

Ive got a new matching pink lacy bra that I need some feedback on. Ill try it out with him next time...

J called me and I wasn't expecting his call. I almost didn't recognize his voice. We talked for a bit and he apologized for calling earlier than he said he was going to. He wanted to call to let me know he wouldn't be able to call when he said he would because of something important coming up at work. I liked that he did that and we'll see each other this Saturday. We still haven't decided where we would meet but that's OK.

A called me and we talked for a little bit. There's a lot of teasing that happens when were on the phone but how that translates when were together face to face isn't the same. I'm almost hesitant with him. Kind of unsure. I think that's because he is very vague with things and how he answers questions isn't really answering them but deflective almost. I can live with it but it makes things a little intriguing in a way that might not be favorable for him. We shall see.


I spoke to G2 and its been over a year since we last spoke. He has a new girlfriend which is nice. Hes kicked the ex out of his place. Who was a girl he was starting to see when I met him. Hes an interesting guy. Really smart. Works with radioactive beams for medical machines. Interesting. I think. Anyway. I think.. that working with all those radioactive beams might have you know altered him you know. And I don't think he is spider man. Hes a cutie.


I let The Big Dog off her leash last night. I rarely do that. We were in the middle of a field and the show was high enough to get in my boots. (My dog walking boots) I let her off leash and she had a blast running at top speed. It was a lot of fun. We chased each other and against the moonlit snow I thought she was beautiful. The Big Dog in her black shiny coat running with the wind in her face. There was no mistaking where she was. Even when she was crouching down I could tell where she was hiding from me.


I felt happy letting her run in the snow. She looked happy and we played tug of war with her leash. She would have stayed out there for hours more if she had her way. I took her in after an hour or so.

It doesn't take much to make me happy.

321 - not quite the end

Earlier today, I gave in my two weeks. My last day here T J1 is Feb 7th.
I was a bit nervous but once I started I felt better and better.
Honesty is the best policy.
Never burn bridges, you'll never know when you'll need them in the future.
I was told that I will be welcomed back if I decide that the new job isn't for me.
I feel a little less weighed down having given J1 notice.
I have one whole week before training where I wont be at J1
If I work it out right. I might go on a trip.
The trip to Florida w M3 might be postponed... indefinitely.
Taking a week off with nothing planned (for the moment) scares me
I might enjoy it too much and decide I never want to work.
Ill start looking for ways to maintain my lifestyle without actually working :)
Any ideas?
I know that wont ever happen but its easy to get lazy about these things.
I don't like being lazy for long periods of time.
D and I got together at my place this afternoon.
We celebrated.
It was long overdue and yes it was a lot of fun.

I'm tired and feel like taking a nap now.
I'm going out tonight with my brother, sister and her boyfriend.
I'm breaking the news about the new job.
More celebrations.

My next two weeks will be full of celebratory lunches and drinks.
Drinks after work and at the end most probably cake and a card from my coworkers.
I'm happy to be making this change.
I'm going to miss the people the most.
Now I feel like crying.

This chapter is almost over.

307 - appliances

I know that most women would not appreciate certain things for a present whether it be for Christmas a Birthday or Valentines day etc.

Unless someone has a need for one and you know that it would help.

I know its not the most romantic of gifts, the most expressive or the most thrilling.

I'm wondering if a neck massager is considered an appliance or is it considered something else?

It wasn't a neck massager :)

On the phone D and I were discussing our plans to meet for lunch and I let him decide where we will go. He also adds in that he would like to go to my place afterwards. This takes me by surprise as we don't usually have time to do both. Eat and do the horizontal mambo.. consecutively.

We have lunch and we have a great time, talking, laughing and eating. For some strange reason we both didn't have dinner the night before or have breakfast this morning. So we really enjoyed our lunch.

Outside I check the time and I have roughly 10 minutes until I need to be at work and that wouldn't be enough time. Its never enough time when it comes to the Mambo :) So I broke the news to him and he looked around and then told me that I needed to pull my car up by his.

Confused for a moment and I didn't know what to say so I just did. I pulled up behind his car and he opened his car door and nods inside. I laughed out loud and tilted my head at him and said in the most girliest voice Ive ever heard myself in say 'really?'

Its his turn to laugh at me and he tells me to 'come on.' I wonder if I should leave my car running is the thought that flits through my mind. I let it run and I open my door and take a quick peek around to parking lot. In the middle of the day. I must be crazy. D must be crazy. But I'm horny and D must be horny. So I walk over to the door and he nods towards the back seat.

I keep eye contact with him and hes smiling away. He must be looking forward to this. I'm still a bit taken aback and then I look inside the car and in his back seat is sitting a big box that I'm not sure how he got inside his car.

I realize what it is and I burst out in laughter. Laughter for a couple of reasons.

1 I cant believe he got me that
2 I cant believe that I thought he wanted to have sex in the restaurants parking lot.
3 That I reacted the say I did
4 That I lead myself on the way I did.
5 I'm such a tease to myself.

That was more than a couple but I'm still laughing about it all. He transfers it into my backseat and I marvel at how it actually fit into the backseat. Its a huge box.

D - I wanted to wrap it for you but I was running late to meet you here and I didn't want to keep you waiting.

Darling - That's OK Its got bows on it.

D - That's not all it comes with..

He bends inside his car and pulls out a little basket of goodies. Popcorn, chocolates and more chocolate covered sweets. I laugh some more. Genuinely of course. I never expected it. To be honest I wasn't expecting anything because well.. that's another post.

Darling - I wasn't expecting anything, I think this is really sweet. Out of the blue but really sweet. You'll have to come over some time and share this popcorn with me sometime...

D - Of course

I wasn't expecting anything from him at all and if I was to think of something it would have been something like something. I cant think of anything at the moment. Go figure. OK I lied I was expecting something. But nothing like what he did get. I was expecting some chocolate spread that he would use my body as a canvas.

So I'm still smiling about it. We kiss. We hug. I want to take him home with me but I don't. I get in my car. Roll down my window and say something about women getting appliances for presents.. He laughs and tells me that I need it.

Funnily enough, getting a microwave was something that I was debating on getting for 2008. I told him that when he calls me 2 minutes later. There's laughter in my voice and I want to tell him hes a nut but a good nut. I keep that to myself. Why? because I think I put my foot in my mouth about the women getting appliances as presents comment might have been taken badly.

It wasn't, but still. We talk while were both on our way to work and we laugh about this and that and its all good. I'm happy and for some reason. Really happy.

Over a microwave, sweets and popcorn.

299 - being insecure

I was looking forward to seeing D and doing things to D that are only described in books that have a covers of a half naked men who have wind blown hair and is standing on a shipwreck...

After working at J3 and coming home, tired with achy feet. I took a bath to relax. Walked The Big Dog and put on some music. I thought of taking a nap so I'm that much more energized but that didn't happen.

D calls during one of his breaks and we talk about this and that. I asked him teasingly what his plans were after work and he said home to bed. Seriously. I knew then he wasn't planning on coming over. We talked for a few more minutes but I was already bummed and just wanted to get off the phone.

He asked me if I was getting sleepy as I was being quiet. I said 'yes I was' and that I was going to go to bed soon. I really wasnt but knew that I should get some rest. Plus I was bummed. He had to pause at that as usually I stay up and have energy until hes done or close to him being done because we talk and text each other about everything and nothing which seems like everything.

He tells me if I'm still up later and feel like talking to call him. I say OK but don't really plan on it at all. I feel a bit angry, mad and sad at the same time. More than that I felt a little defeated and insecure. All because he wasn't coming over.. If there were other things I wasnt paying attention I was just focusing on the fact that he wasn't coming over when he said he was.

In bed. Trying to figure out why I was getting teary over this. I wasn't going to call him. No. I was thinking of turning my phone off for the night but I need my alarm so I leave it on.

I lay in bed wondering all sorts of things and

The texts and conversations of the night...

D - Friday lunch at your place if you want

I don't reply back to that.

D - Wow no reply

Darling - Just bummed. Don't worry about Fri at lunch. I know you've got things to do you're working also on Sat. No worries I'm good.

D - I'm disappointed :( :( :(

Darling - I don't see why, but don't be.

D - R U cutting me off?

I don't reply to that as I wasn't thinking of that at all. Which makes me wonder if hes thought of that. I guess I didn't try hard enough not to reply or answer calls. Its just not me to ignore someone that I like. Ive no problem if it was someone that I didnt want

D - Really no lunch on Friday?

D - Really no lunch on Friday?

Darling - Cutting you off?

I wanted to know if he thought I would cut him off? Maybe one day ...aybe.. but it wasnt that time.

D - Really no lunch on Friday?

Darling - Why do you want to do lunch on Friday

D - If you don't want to its OK

Darling Not that I don't want to. I just don't want to feel like you're throwing me a bone. I also know usually do things on Friday. U probably feel a bit bad about not telling me sooner that you're not coming over tonight...

Darling - I don't know why you though I was cutting you off

Darling I'm usually the one who is throwing myself at you and being turned down. Should I be asking you that question?? I need a hug

This is where he calls me...

D - Hi, how are you?

Darling - (after a pause) OK ( I don't sound OK but I'm trying. I'm just sad)

We talk about him thinking I was going to cut him off as he thought I was just brushing him off about meeting him on Friday. I told him it was interesting as that was the first time I said no and that's the conclusion that he came to.

After a while of me thinking that cannot be the only time Ive ever said no to sex. I got a bit down and felt like bawling and didnt say much but I think he could hear me sniffling a little bit.

D - Are you going to bed?

Darling - (after another even longer pause) yes

D - (pausing) well... OK... umm... good night...

Darling - (whispers) bye

Back to text messages....

D - I don't want you to be sad

Darling - I know you don't. Its OK Ill bounce back in a bit. I'm good like that. Just a bit confused about all these texts.

D - Really

Darling - Kinda U?

D - Ya not sure whats happening, confused

Darling - R U just saying that? At least its not just me

This is where he calls me again and we talk. I tell him I'm sorry for being a downer. I was looking forward to seeing him that night. He explained why he wasn't able to. Not that he didn't want to. He does, there are other things to think of like sleep and energy for the next day and other things. Fine that's OK. I wont tell him what staying up until past midnight does to me. Its my choice to do that and I shouldn't bring that up.

I tell him I don't want to be monopolizing his time or be annoying. He tells me that he really likes spending time with me and that I'm not at all annoying. I tell him that I feel a bit insecure, he tells me I shouldn't.

He tells me that he was worried that I wanted to end things with him and he didn't want that at all. I told him I wasn't thinking that and I was wondering if he was trying to do the same. No. We both weren't. Though...??

He apologized about not being able to come over that night. I told him I was bummed because I had things.. planned. He said he was sorry for not telling me sooner and that he wasn't sure about the plans to come over that night. Which is where I reminded him of his selective memory to which I repeated almost word for word the conversation we had about plans for that night. He felt bad about me feeling bad.

All too cutesy. Which made me smile and feel better.

I ended it with these texts...

Darling - I'm restless now and I cant sleep anymore.

Darling - Sorry if I offended you. I didn't mean to

This is where he calls me...

'Hi, I cant talk long. I just wanted to make a suggestion...'

Well I was all for his suggestion and had a darn good time going through with it. There are only a couple of things that can get rid of the restlessness...

This morning after he called me I sent him a text message letting him know that if its still on the table to meet for lunch, that I would meet him. I also made some sexy comment to go along with it and that made him cal me to let me know that we would be getting together for sure.

I also sent him another one after that call letting him know to be gentle as I'm shy. My way of tell him him that I still...

296 - Give me more

BC wants to see me again before he leaves. That's nice. Ill have to try to rearrange my schedule as its pretty busy the next few days. I know hes leaving this Sunday morning so I'm thinking the only time Ill have will be for Saturday early afternoon.

Before the Christmas Party that J1 puts on every year. The memo came out saying.

To: All Employees

From: The Head Poncho (name withheld for obvious reasons)

This year the Christmas Party will be held at 'La Di Da' (Not an actual place) which is located at 'Do Si Do' -sic- (Also not an actual address) It is near this road and that road. Which reminds me to map quest it so I know where Ill be going.

It will be held Saturday December 1 2007 at 7:00pm.

As usual it is necessary to obtain as soon as possible, the number of people which will attend in order to cater appropriately.

Please submit your intentions including your spouse or friend to your respective department managers.

Dress code will be smart business casual, no tie, no jeans, or tshirts.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My intentions is not to make out with my date who is my sister no matter how many people ask me to and no matter how much people offer us. That will just not do.

My intentions are to be a more accountable person and to be more disciplined in various areas of life.

Are these the kinds of intentions they are looking for?

Or would be along the lines of I intend not to sneak out of work early or make fun of other people.

What happens if peoples intentions are not honorable?

So they want me to dress like I normally do for work. Dropping my sexy. I think not. I can guarantee that I wont wear a tie, wont don a pair of jeans or be sporting a tshirt. That just gives me a mental picture of me in a matching pair of bra and panties. Oh who am I kidding. I don't think Ill want to match at all.

I think Ill dress smart and sexy. Business has no place that evening. Unless duty calls...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

V has already left to catch his flight. He will be back in a week or two. I feel a little bad about not keeping in touch with him more while he was here. Ive been busy and I think he might have certain ideas of what might transpire the next time we are together. He has many ideas, I know, but he is first a gentleman and lets me set the pace.

He might not like the pace but I'm experimenting with paces. I get frustrated as well but its a learning process and I have a lot to learn. I am the grasshopper.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

B3 called me. I was a little busy and told him wed get together sometime next week. Possibly Thursday. He offered me his cell number which was the first time hes ever done that as I don't have any numbers to call him back when he leaves me messages. I didn't have a pen so I told him to give me a call another time and Id get it then.

I wonder if there's an expiry date on things like that. Like if its a one time offer only. We shall see. I'm not sure what we will do. Getting naked isn't an option yet so that will have to wait. Well, he will have to wait.

In a way I think I like not having his number. I know that for some people its a power thing. It is. I just don't let it affect me. I mean if he calls me then I'm in control because I don't have to agree to do anything with him and it shows that he wants to spend time with me. I can always say that I'm busy and he will have to call me back and he does.

Maybe he realizes what it is I have. The advantage. So now he wants to give me his number which I know I wont dial. Why, you ask? Just because. If he didn't want to give it to me when we first met which happens to have been over 6 months ago. I just don't know what changed in his life that is making him want to offer it up to me now.

Ill keep his number and I shouldn't say I wont dial his number. I might. Its not a plan at the moment but things happen for a reason and I don't know what the reason for this is. So I shall just life as it happens... happen. I'm not jumping up and down for joy, not like winning the lottery. Which I'm still waiting to win :)

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D and I had some fantastic sex for lunch. It was rushed, hurried and oh so intense. Its always a lot of fun when were both in the zone and were both there and were both just enjoying it all. The sights, the scents, the sounds, the everything. It was so good I had to change the sheets. The dynamics are changing between us. I'm not sure how things will proceed but its OK. I know that either way. Ill be OK.

I know that we both care about each other. We don't want anyone to get hurt. Though usually when you talk about that someone usually does :) No? Well maybe not always. Lets hope not.

Its the sex. Ill admit it keeps me wanting more. Have you ever heard of such an absurd reason. The sex is really good. I mean. Its spine tingling. The more I get, the more I want. That doesn't sound very smart but its the truth. I don't know if its healthy but the sex is great and having sex is healthy.

Then there's proximity. The more time we spend together the more time I want to spend with him. Take away that time spent together and the I miss it.

So my thing is now. Don't take things for granted and just make the best of the time that I am given.

Have a fantastic weekend and for those people venturing out for work related holiday festivities in the next few weeks. Remember.... Always Classy, Never Trashy.

281 - Conundrum!!

The hydro in my building was shut off from 9-4 yesterday. So when D and I made our way to the elevators a sign was up saying it was out of order and apologies for inconveniences were up as well.

I didn't end up having the lunch I was expecting. Not too happy about it. The thought of walking up 12 flights of stairs for a quickie and then walking down those stairs again wasn't very sexy so we went out for lunch instead.

It was a lovely lunch, we talked and my mind wandered to other things we could be doing. Imagining us in other places where we would be able to do certain things...

I find myself somewhat shy again with D. I cant explain it its just one of those things that happens every so often. It may be due to me stepping back to see how things are. Maybe the other girl that hell be seeing in Venezuela. Or it may be... something or another. I just am. Its probably because I do like him. I don't know.

So this trip hasn't been booked yet and I really cant say anything though I do want to talk to him about it. I'm sure at some point I will bring it up. Maybe not the details of his trip but why it might be bothering me. Its OK. It is how it is. I will speak my mind. No matter the consequences.

Speaking of speaking my mind. I had to bite my tongue at work. I think my performance here is really good. I do my job and I do my job well. I was recently told that I wasn't allowed to take 10 minutes away from my desk without telling anyone where I am going. (I was away for less than 10 min) and I realize that I am back in grade school. I wanted to say something... actually a few things but I didn't. Its work.

I bit my tongue and have decided to buy a pack of cigarettes. Not for me to smoke... but to be able to go out and have a moment to myself. Ive decided to let the cigarette stick burn itself to the halfway point and then I will return to my desk.

I don't mind people who smoke but when there's no word to those people who smoke about the amount of time they are away from their desk and I do. That is not fair. So, I, with the rest of the smokers will have equal amounts of time to indulge in ... habits. Mine will just be coupled with cell phone usage. Don't worry Ill keep an eye out on the cigarette. I wouldn't want this place to burn down.

I guess the closer I am to getting this new position, this makes me a little bit more on the edge at work here. It is time and I hope that it all goes well and that I do have the opportunity to leave here. Ive been here for the past 5 years and Ive reached the glass ceiling.. a while ago.

I'm excited about the new job but I'm also nervous about not getting it. My thought process goes as follows

- I'm excited about leaving this place
- I'm nervous about not getting the new job
- Because that means Ill still be stuck here until I start the process of looking again..
- Change is good but scary sometimes. I like sure things and I'm not sure Ill get the job.
- That's just being cautious. I'm optimistic that Ill get it but just not sure.
- Doubt... blech!
- I'm kind of worried that I'm looking forward to it too much that it wont happen.
- I hope that that's just one of those silly thoughts that I get once in a while.
- Is giving 2 weeks really something I have to do? will 1 suffice?
- I know that if I leave they will find someone to replace me.
- That's OK. I do my job and I do it well. No one can do it better or as efficient :)
- Or so I like to tell myself.
- Its the truth though :)

About tonight. Ive already told my girlfriend I'm not meeting with her tonight. She had big plans for me to hang out with her at her boyfriends place again. I declined.

Meeting with N... I'm nervous as I'm having a fat day. We shall see how it goes.

D is getting off of work early and then meeting his friends for dinner at 7:30. Then might meet me for drinks.

Conundrum alert! Want to meet with N and hang out with D as well. What to do what to do. I'm surprised this doesn't happen more often. LOL Actually I lied. it does happen often but Ive been really good as managing my schedule. This one just jumped out of nowhere and I wasn't the one in charge of whens.

Will update.

278 - lurking

I haven't been posting as much as Id like to. I'm concentrating on trying to get through the stages in order to get the job. Ive had to in less than a week talk to3 of my present and previous managers for a reference.

Its unclear whether I am only required to have a list of 3 references or if I need 3 written references. Deep down I think its just a list of 3 they need to be able to contact. However that is also easier than having to go get 3 written ones. Its not hard. Its just getting them all in a timely fashion. @ I have to run after. One was done the same day. The other wants me to write it out myself and has given me carte blanche to embellish if I should so please. I don't as I wouldn't feel comfortable. Honestly is best. Plus the honest truth is I was pretty damn great there and everywhere :)

Writing it out myself is a bit weird as I feel like I'm bragging but its not its just pointing out great qualities that I have. But it still feels like gloating. Ive asked D to draft a letter for me and Ill use that and have that previous employer sign it.

This weekend is Thanksgiving weekend and Monday is a Holiday. Tuesday is my interview and I feel its cutting it a bit close. But it could just be me. I'm kicking myself a little bit as I did have time the week before to get it all done. I was just unsure about getting to this stage. This just teaches me its better to err on the right side of caution.

Its interesting as I did think about it, about getting it done sooner. I'm not quite sure why I didn't. It may be because I don't want to get too ahead of myself. I also didn't want to seem ... full of myself. Now I feel like I'm a monkey on their backs about it.

"I know you're busy, I wanted to know how you were coming along with my reference letter and if I am able to pick it up today."

"Ill be seeing you this Thurs night and Sat night and I was wondering which night to expect it."

"I really appreciate this and I'm pleased that you feel comfortable enough to write a reference letter for me."

Ive decided (very recently... like just now) not to worry too much about it. It would be nice to have all 3 letters in hand when I walk into the interview. It will just give me that extra boost of confidence. However if I only have 1 (which I currently have) or 2 (which I might be able to pick up tonight) Ill be happy. Again all 3 would be great but '2 out of 3 ain't bad' as someone once said :)

There are a few things I need to do to prepare myself for this and Ill have some homework which D has helped me with. I feel like I'm still a bit clueless but he thinks Ill do fine. Just be relaxed and keep things simple. Ive made notes and I'm hopeful and excited about moving ahead.

Its exciting, the thought that I might be doing something different if things should work out. OK not if but WHEN things work out. That's better. Tuesday it is. If things go well with this panel interview then onto the next stage which I will definitely fret over like I usually do.

D had breakfast with Jason from the other night and another of his co workers. I get a call after breakfast and part of the conversation went like this.

D - Jason was pretty drunk that night, he and Pete drank a lot and Jason was pretty out of it.

Darling - It was a good time/

D - Its funny... Jason told me you guys made out that night. He said he asked for a kiss and that's how it started.

Darling - (laughs) If he calls that making out he needs to get back in the game... and if you see him next time, tell him I wasn't satisfied with it.

D - I just laughed when he told that story

Darling - Funny ha ha or funny interestinggg

D - I laughed

Darling - What a little trouble maker... I guess If that's what making out is I also made out with Pete.

The next day. I bring it up again. Why? Because I want to know if it bothered him or if hes OK with it. Should I bother going down this thought process? Would his reaction be an indication of how he sees me? us?

Earlier today. Lunch was a bowl full of sex. Messy sex. In my apartment, on my bed. Just how I like it. Messy enough to take a shower and rush to work with damp hair. Its been a while. It was also very good. Not enough but it was good. So good that while he was in the shower. I took the opportunity to continue to play with myself and make a bigger mess. No he didn't know what I was doing. But I was a bit turned on about him not knowing.

How do you tell someone you want more without insulting them if they cant do more? Or how do I find out if there is a possibility of more but there is something that's holding them back? Specially if its me? EEK!

Its nice what this is. But I think in order for me to continue to enjoy my life. Ill have to take a step back and go out and rub noses with those patiently waiting in The Soup. Its nice to be with someone that doesn't have the same complications as D does. I'm OK with them as I'm pretty laid back that way and peoples lives are so different that when its out of my control. There's nothing I can do about it and there's no reason for me to get all twisted over.

Ive got another long night ahead of me and D might want to go out. I'm not sure if he does or not yet as he was planning on giving me a choice. Lunch today or after hes done work. I don't think he'll want to go out after hes done work. I wont plan on it. But it wold be neat to be surprised.

I need to catch up on sleep and need to buy groceries for Thanksgiving which were celebrating Monday at lunch. We all have plans to have dinner elsewhere for dinner that night and the night before.

Happy Turkey and Have a great weekend. Ill post about how the interview went. Thanks for being in my corner :)

PS I know I haven't been checking blogs lately but I will return to that as soon as things start working itself out in the new job category. Ive been lurking when I can though :)

Darling a lurker.. makes me giggle :)

277 - over and under

I went out with D after I worked the hockey game on Saturday. He finished work a couple of hours after I did so I went out with my sister for a couple of drinks instead of heading home. My sister and I went to a Pub close to her place and we had a few drinks and caught up on whats been happening and not happening in our lives.


It was good to see her. We've both been busy so it was a treat to hang out. After a few drinks I get a call from D letting me know that it wont just be the two of us. That he bumped into a high school friend and that he'll be out with us as well. Kind of bummed but that's OK. Its always nice to meet other people.


I get there first but before I do D calls to make sure I'm on my way. I'm late once and hes always thinking Ill be late. See why I don't like being late? I don't know if its that I don't like being late.. I think its more of I don't want anyone to doubt me. Ill be there.


I think its cute as I know hes teasing me and not doing it to make me feel bad. At least that's what I tell myself :) So Even if he was trying to make me feel bad it wouldn't work as it is pretty small and not worth fighting over.

We met at Local Heroes which is a midpoint between both our places and its pretty easy to get to. I got there first and then he walked in. I wanted to take him home and do naughty things to and with him. But I held off on that idea.

His friends came shortly after and his friend Jason and Pete were nice. It was Pete's Birthday and Jason works with D. I found myself having drink after drink and I was really enjoying myself. It was neat to hear them talk about their school days together and more interesting was their drinking years.

While conversations run rampant above the tables. Hands were getting busy underneath. I found myself pulled by the alcohol to a horny stupor. First my knee found his and together they maintained contact. Then came my hand to rest on his knee which occasionally would squeeze gently. I would then find my hand roaming up his thigh only to return to his knee.

When that didn't receive any objections I continued that every so often, often enough to feel him grow.. ing. Very erotic as on the surface were all proper and lean down and well, we just weren't. I'm sure you can tell how amorous I was feeling. I was imagine no Pete or Jason there with D and I naked in places that I didn't care about just as long as we were naked and together.

At some point after drink 6 or 7 I went to the ladies room and found myself wondering about if I might feel his hand on my knee, my bare knee at that. I went out and the power of thought is indeed great and we must have been thinking the same thing as there was some definite reciprocation under the table and more to boot. At drink number I don't recall anymore. I went back to the ladies room and on my way out and about 10 feet from our table. I took a quick look around and saw that we were alone in that area.

More importantly, that I was alone and no one could see what I was to do next. I shimmied out of my panties as D was looking my way. I winked at him and he just smiled at me as I seated myself. My knee swung open to the side and I saw him lean back in his chair and see his eyes dart down. His jaw clenched and as he leaned back to the table his hand found his way to me.

Oh the man can tease and please.

My hand found his zipper and found him straining. Oh how things are looking up. I would wonder every so often if the other guys knew what was happening. I also wondered if I flashed anyone else. We were sitting on high bar stools around a table and well there was ample opportunity for a flash here and there. Unintentional on my part of course.

I got teased quite often by Jason who got a kick that I was newly 28. I teased right back that soon he wouldn't be allowed out without a chaperone hence he forgets his name or where he needed to go. It was all good times.

At the end of the night and way past the time they should have been closed. D went to the men's room and I was left to say goodbyes. Jason asked for a kiss. So I leaned in and he aimed for my lips. I turned my head to one side. He kissed my cheek. He also said no no a real kiss on the lips. So he leaned down again and I turned my head to the other side and winked at Pete as he kissed me on the other cheek. Pete laughed and I smiled. So for being a good sport about it I gave him a quick kiss on the lips.

It was after all Petes Birthday so I gave him the same deal. Cheek, cheek, lips. Then the bartender lets me know that D is waiting for me at the door. I look and hes watching me. I dont feel guilty. But there was a thought. 'I wonder if he saw that and what hes thinking.' I go to him and he opens the door for me.

Outside, alone.
We kiss. We touch.
We try to get into each others clothes.
The door opens and its the guys.
We part.
I lean into him and ask if hes coming over.
He says He wants to but cant.
I tell him he kills me, turn and walk away.
Not after I run my hands over him.
I know he wants me.
I know its not that he doesn't want to. Hes just got other things
I walk backwards to my car, were both watching each other.

I get in my car and watch him drive away. Soon after I drive home I get a text from him 'Don't be mad, Ill make it up to you.' That doesn't take away the need that's been building inside me. But it does make me melt just a little bit. My reply? 'You kill me but I still want you.. I'm not mad'

Its his day off today. Hes got plans which is fine. G is coming over tonight. Then Ill be hanging out with one of my girl friends.

Then I'm bartending on Thurs, Fri and Saturday. I said no to Sunday because Ill be at J3.

Oh and the interview. Tuesday Oct 9th at 12:30. Send good vibes please :)

275 - Another Day :)

Today is my Birthday.

I'm now 28. :) lol I dont notice how I get older.
I don't look any different.
Feel pretty fantastic
I slept well last night.
Had a great dinner with a friend.

Got a call from one of the other girls at work in a different dept.
I went in. She wasn't feeling well.
I was in the mood to go out to celebrate my last day being 27.
Somehow it didn't happen.
I was hit hard by the sleepies.

D and I talked for a bit. Not as long or as much as we usually do.
I took a shower, said my prayers.. well started them and went to sleep mid prayer.
Oops.

I woke up bright and early.
Took The Big Dog for a walk/jog then a run.
I wonder if she knows what today is.
Silly thought.

Random thoughts in my head.
Write email to Dad letting him know that I love him.
thanking him for the things I grew up with,
letting him know that I didn't want for anything,
that I hope hes happy with me and how Ive lived my life so far.

Things have been planned for the day already.
I wonder if people would be upset if I just wanted to hang out at my place and relax.
I hope people at work don't make a big deal out of today.
I hate being put on the spot.
I would rather have someone play with a certain spot.

I think I should have called in sick.
Too late, people have seen me and that just wouldn't be good.

Things to do.

Pay cell phone bill.
Call bank and ask why they are holding my last deposit.
Pick up some veggies at the groceries.
Book appointment at the spa for some pampering.
Check in on Gramma
Check and reply to emails, text and phone messages
Ride the roller coaster that is my thoughts.

I want to meet D for sex this afternoon. I also want to meet him for lunch. I'm leaning towards lunch... although it would be a great thing to have both. Not only because Its my the big 2-8 but because its Tuesday. Tomorrow would be Wednesday and that's a great way to celebrate!

Ive gotten a call from A and he was all sweet about singing to me. Hes had to go to the Doctors a few times and I know there are things hes not telling me. Which is OK. I don't mind. I'm still a little concerned. Its not my place to pry so if he wants to share more then he will. Ill just be around if he needs me.

So heres to another year. Ive yet to come up with things I want to do while Im 28. There are still some that have yet to be crossed off the list from last year so Ill still work on those.

The journey continues and I hope that its always interesting and exciting.

Have a fantastic day!!

274 - day before

I took a nap and was late meeting D on Friday oh wait Saturday at that time. We were on the phone an hour before we were supposed to meet and I just wanted to rest my eyes and heard the phone ring and answered it.

D- Where are you?
Darling- Ill be there in a few minutes
D- You know you re late.
Darling- I know I'm sorry Ill see you soon

I flip the phone off and throw the blankets off of me and run to my bedroom for some clothes. I don't bother with any bra or panties. I run out with flip flops on my feet and send a prayer up for green lights and no cops.

About 2 minutes away from meeting him and about 8 minutes after talking to him last. He calls again asking where I am . I tell him about 2 minutes away and I'm sorry. He asks me if I was doing something that shall remain nameless. I said no I wasn't.

I told him the truth as much as I was a bit embarrassed to. That I was sleeping. I meant to close my eyes just to relax and ended up sleeping. He said that I should have told him and we didn't have to meet.

In my head I was thinking. Yes I could have but then who knows when we would get together again. I mean I knew it would be some time during the week but our time together is limited and its a treat to see him. It really is.

I get all shy and girly and I hold myself in check sometimes because I literally want to drag him home to bed. Or the car, the nearest park bench or picnic table... you get the idea.

So I tell him that 'I want to see you tonight' I know that we aren't going to have sex but I still want to see him. I cant explain it. I cant tell you if he feels the same way. All I know is that I like... him.

I like talking to him on the home and find it a bit difficult with him cutting back on phone time. I like seeing him in any capacity, whether its just us two or in a group setting. I just like being near him. So I was sleeping and was late seeing him I was still happy to see him even if its for a couple of hours.

Ive also gotten in the habit of kissing him every so often when the mood hits. I just lean in and press my lips to his, pull away and continue on with the conversation. He always smiles when he sees me lean in as well as after I do it. He never does anything that says its not wanted. I don't mind that he doesn't do the same thing. If he does. Ill be surprised. Pleasantly.

What can I say I like him. That and sometimes I have the most incredible urge to take his lower lip between mine and rub my tongue from side to side. Tomorrow...

I wont see him today. Tomorrow we are meeting for lunch unless something comes up that wont allow that to happen. I'm not sure if he knows what tomorrow is. Ive mentioned it without saying it outright. Ive mentioned that it was a week after The Big Dogs. Ive left it at that.

I'm undecided about whether I want him to know or not... or if I want to tell him outright. If he doesn't say anything because he doesn't know then that's OK with me. Its not a big deal. If he happens to mention something then it will be nice. I'm not going to think he doesn't care if nothing happens. Its another day is what it is.

I'm probably not even going to remember until someone calls me to remind me. But much is planned. People who remember have called and made plans to spend some time together. That's nice, I like it that way.

Well another year has gone by. Its been a great year. I didn't do half as much as I wanted to and did too many things that might have been better not. But overall I'm happy and healthy. In the big picture I can improve on certain parts of my life, things are going well in most.

My sister says I still look like I did when I was 18/19. I wonder if that will ever change. Quite possibly. So for now, and everyday that follows.

Enjoy.

Oh and Ill be bar tending more often. As often as I can handle it that is. Ill have to see how my body is doing and how much it can take. Which means Ill also be rearrabging my work schedule for J2 and J3 until I figure out how much I can handle.

272 - glow and blush

My Grandmother may be going home tomorrow. My aunts a bit hesitant to bring her home so soon. However the patient is anxious to return to her home. I cant blame her.

I got called in to work tonight unexpectedly. I said yes. They were in a bind and my plans fell through.

Lunch with D was not only sexually satisfying. It was also emotionally satisfying. I really didn't want to go back to work. Though I did and I did have a smile that wouldn't go away. A glow, a blush that remains until now. We didn't spoon or cuddle or any of that but we did stay in bed and talk about things. It was... really nice. x`

What a fun afternoon. Which brings me to my next few thoughts.

- Libidos. What is low, normal/average or high? Does masturbation count or not.
- I know I shouldn't compare myself or my sex life with anyone elses.
- Sometimes it seems like I'm at the end of the line and everyone is doing things or trying things that I haven't and I continue to wait until its my turn.
- Other times Its the other way around.
- But mostly it seems like I'm at the tail end of the sexual revolution and I need to catch up.
- Catch up on what? I cant imagine things have changed that much.
- Or has it?
- I don't know, I'm trying to figure it out.
- So back to libidos. Does thinking about it count or is it just the act that counts.
- Because if thinking about.. .things count then... never mind :)

Ill be talking about this some more some other time :)

271 - muffins

D makes me muffins, blueberry, with fresh blueberries and something about it makes me all girly inside.


He cooks, he cleans, he works, he has fun, he... AND he bakes. I don't know if its any of that. Or if its my delusional self that's thinking he thought of me. In a non sexual way. He put 3 tasty muffins into a zip lock bag, for me.


Garsh I like the guy. He bakes muffins and I'm back to square one, go to jail, do not pass go, do not collect your orgasm. I like him all over again. Of course I never stopped. Its just now, there's more reason to like him.. Oh come on the man bakes!


Which brings to mind... do you know the muffin man? ... enter thought process...


...looking at the word muffin the word muff stands out to me...


I went out with someone whose screen name looked something like.. muff dvr...


... (smile) ...


Back to the muffins, and the muffinmaker they really were tasty. Just how I like them.


To the muffin man. He delivered, just how I like it. Love those lunch dates we have at my apartment. I should be thankful that its a 10 minute drive one way. You don't want to know how many times I have been late in coming back :)


Oh good news. Actually now that I think about it I'm not so sure if its good or not. Hes going back to his Old schedule. He'll be done at about 12:30am or is it 11:30 one or the other. The midnight adventures will re-commence in the first week of September.


I'm always a bit antsy when its been a while since he and I have had sex. Kind of like a kid in a candy store... or a kid in the back seat on a long road trip. Are we there yet? Are we there yet? When will be have sex? When will we have sex?


Its not the same with others in the soup. I think its because Ive singled this one out and hes up at bat?

I sent a text after we went our separate ways. 'I hope it was worth the wait' Playing up to the fact that its been a while. He replied with a damn right LOL

Now for some not so great news. I wont have contact with D until tomorrow. How strange its going to be the first day that we don't have contact for a long period of time. Ill be painting the town red. Him.. not so much but I know ill think of him. I hope he does the same.

268 - yesterday, today and tomorrow

Yesterday

Dropped my cell phone and it didn't want to turn on again for the rest of the day. Got a great deal for a new phone and I took it. I still have hope for my old phone.

Didn't get a call from friend who is in TPB. Was suppose to go out. Instead I stayed home, indulged in some fantastic movies of the adult kind. And by movies I mean about 45 minutes of one... during which I myself put on a fantastic epic performance of my own. To which promptly led me to a nap. Which brought on some kinky dreams of yours truly and some faceless men and quite possibly a woman on the sidelines though I woke up before ... so I have naught to report on that end ;)

Today

After a fantastic run and shower in the morning and being surprisingly awake seeing as I went to bed after midnight. Got to work and learned about a bonus coming to my bank account :) Was supposed to meet with D and that didn't happen.. again. No its not on purpose and no I don't mind THAT much. These things happen. I tell you I'm the best girl/friend to have. So understanding not to mention accommodating. Did some banking, celebrate another moment of triumph for being able to lower my cell phone bill AND get on a better plan than I currently have. Got free services extended for another couple of weeks and gave myself a pat on the back for doing all that with a female customer service rep.

Old phone turned on after trying it.. amazingly. Silly me turned it off and its in a deep sleep again. I'm not worried I still have my new phone :)

5 minutes ago.

Sent D a text message because I was full of happy thoughts and am in a fantastic mood. Just spent about 30 minutes on the phone w D and cant tell you details about what we talked about but it was just as good as a nap :) Refreshing and a definite energy boost.

Darling - :) I like u
D - Ah that was sweet

Which was promptly followed up by a phone call from D letting me know that he will call me later on as his phone is dying. As I'm smiling away and relishing the fact that I like just getting things out there sometimes and not worrying about the aftereffects/consequences of my statements or actions, I am thinking of cuddling with him

I'm stumbling. I know. Ill be OK. I have my eyes wide open and can see whats happening. I just hope Ive got some protective gear that are invisible to the eye. If not then I hope for a soft landing.

Later Today.

Dinner with AR, hopefully something naughty and titillating afterwards. THEN possibly seeing D for a few drinks. Yes same night. Yes D knows about AR. Have I not mentioned that I was honest about these things. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea or to imagine that I am leading someone on. Honesty and the best policy... unless...

Tomorrow.

Be happy its Friday though my days always have some form of work involved so Its not much of a weekend though I appreciate the decreased amount of work that I have for the following 2 days. There will be some daily flirting with the opposite sex and other items that fall under the category of life.

267 - iPod or not to iPod

My sister is thinking of getting an iPod. My brother has one, my aunt has one and now she out of many people that I know should have one. She goes through too many batteries with her MP3 player. To save the environment, she should get one. To save money, she should get one.


Shes still undecided on it and will wait which is fine. I think my brother and I will split the cost and get her one. The only thing is, when she gets hers. I will want one as well. I don't need one. Its one of those things that you feel you need to have but don't really need at all.

I don't need one. I don't think Ill get one. But I kind of do want one. Just like I kind of do want to get a facebook account. Like I kind of want to get a myspace account. There's a part of me that wants those things but the other part of me doesn't.


For various reasons of course some legitimate and others borderline strange. But they are my reasons. Maybe that will be another post.


So for now Ive asked my sister to be my DJ. Ive handed over my Mp3 player and asked her to fill it with music. It will be a surprise but I think.. I hope she knows what kind of music I like. Of course she does. I like the kind of music she listens to so I'm sure its going to be OK.

Shes had it for a few days now and I should get it tonight. Were getting together to do groceries together. We'll be able to re shelf items from each others carts that doesn't scream of health and wellness. That's what sisters do.

The new iPod Nano is out and its pretty cool. Id like a red one please. Then I looked at the other ones they have and the Classic iPod has 80 GB I don't know what that is/does but that's huge compared to the 4 or 8 GB in the new iPod nano. AND when you look at the price difference, its almost an easy jump to make. Darn my thought process and curses to my slow savings :)

It would be fun to have one of those sometime. It would also be fun to be able to use it and know what it all does. I'm not all that techy. I know enough to get around. If I don't know something I know where or who to go to to get the information.

I wonder what people put on the Ipods. Music, audio books, videos... but what kind other than the PG kind. I wonder if people put their porn on their iPods. You know a little stimulation while at work? or on the way home, while on the bus, in the library, during that conference call, that board meeting. I wonder... that's all.

So for those of you who do have one... what kind of videos do you have?

266 - * 's

I met with V at a bar. I had a glass of water instead of anything alcoholic. Why? I wasn't too nervous about meeting with him. Don't get me wrong there was a healthy does of nerves happening. But I was feeling good and very comfortable. Also I came from having a few glasses of very good wine at a get together with some friends.

We made introductions and started the nights conversation with ease which would surely lead to where it usually does. Sex. Not the act but the topic. * At this time. **Prior to that topic though I found out about little things that's easy to share when first meeting someone. The usual generic things. Nothing too personal, yet. Though I am curious as to many things already.

I don't recall all the details but it was a comfortable meet and greet. I didn't feel pressured to fill silences, later in the evening he mentioned that he was very attracted to me and that he would like to bring me back with him so we can end the night being intimate.

I smiled politely and told him flat out that wouldn't be happening. I also told him I'm not that kind of girl, but its nice to know he was attracted to me. I didn't hold it against him for being forward. Hes a man. I know hes thinking of sex and probably has been since we met at the door.

I didn't particularly dress myself to impress. Simple and comfortable. A beige skirt with a short sleeve blue tshirt. Nothing plunging or low cut. Flip flops on my feet and my hair down and around my shoulders.

I wondered why I didn't do my usual ritual of getting dolled up. I mean I didn't look bad last night at all. I still looked good. I just didn't feel WOW or feel like I provided the WOW for myself anyway. Or... am I just that sure of my natural beauty that dolling up is no longer needed? AHEM lol


So it was nice to be complimented on even without the ritual of getting ready. I went to meet V with no expectations. In the middle of it I shared something that I don't share with anyone. I'm not sure how it will turn out later on but see we shall.



* What does it mean when you know you are meeting someone and know that sex is on their mind. Particularly, sex with me. Even before you meet face to face. Or am I deluding myself and its all men that are always thinking of sex. Maybe not ever following through and pursuing it. But at some point thinking of it.


** What does it mean when I know this and am not bothered by it. I know and accept it and know that I am in control. I am the one that decides the when it will happen.

263 - Thank you

Its been more than a week since D and I have had sex. I hope hes enjoying it. Its not being done on purpose. Things have just come up and no, its not because hes given it up until he loses weight. Its just not been possible to meet as kinks are still being worked out of his schedule.

I mind and I don't mind. It gives me time to build the want, which I must say is a lot of fun. But on the other hand it kind of drives me crazy wanting to be naked with him. I have to think of toning down the want. Well maybe not toning it down but just not vocalizing it to him.

Yes I am guilty of sharing. With D. The things that I am looking forward to. With him. Yes.

Ive asked him if it was a bit much and he said no. Though I think maybe its just to make me feel better.

So now I'm asking you. How would you feel about hearing/knowing that someone is looking forward to being with you. Whether it be for something sexual or non sexual. Is that something that is good to share or should it be something that's kept private to oneself?


I was told by D that we would be able to meet at least twice this week for some much needed coitus and it has yet to materialize. Granted Monday was a holiday I saw no reason not to include that. There's always room for some holiday celebration :)

Oh but oh but OH!! Tomorrow.. well tomorrow is a great day. I took the morning off and possibly part of the afternoon as well. I told work Id be in after lunch but wasn't sure what time I will be finished. So, D doesn't start until 3 ish which means that Ill get to have lunch with him and then have him afterwards.

Its a little fitting really as Ive been a very good girl. Nothing naughty happening here lately. The feather boas and leather whips have been put aside and Ive been donning the innocent schoolgirl look and its paid off. Its like Ive been a good girl and am being rewarded for good behaviour.

I had a bit too much for lunch and now I am feeling really sleepy. I guess I shuld have had seconds. I was planning on going to this event for a local radio station tonight. Hot 89.9. Singles at Sea. 300 singles on a boat cruise. Just what the love doctor ordered.

I'm not sure if ill be up for the SAS cruise tonight so I think Ill skip it. That's OK, right now sleep is high in priority. So is rest then to take care of tomorrow.

Wish me luck, send good vibes and all that jazz. Ill be asking you to do this every so often. Reasons will be revealed in time. Its all for the betterment of Life. ( Dont want to jinx it, or get ahead of myself )

... Thank you, I appreciate it :)

Have a great day!