299 - being insecure
I was looking forward to seeing D and doing things to D that are only described in books that have a covers of a half naked men who have wind blown hair and is standing on a shipwreck...
After working at J3 and coming home, tired with achy feet. I took a bath to relax. Walked The Big Dog and put on some music. I thought of taking a nap so I'm that much more energized but that didn't happen.
D calls during one of his breaks and we talk about this and that. I asked him teasingly what his plans were after work and he said home to bed. Seriously. I knew then he wasn't planning on coming over. We talked for a few more minutes but I was already bummed and just wanted to get off the phone.
He asked me if I was getting sleepy as I was being quiet. I said 'yes I was' and that I was going to go to bed soon. I really wasnt but knew that I should get some rest. Plus I was bummed. He had to pause at that as usually I stay up and have energy until hes done or close to him being done because we talk and text each other about everything and nothing which seems like everything.
He tells me if I'm still up later and feel like talking to call him. I say OK but don't really plan on it at all. I feel a bit angry, mad and sad at the same time. More than that I felt a little defeated and insecure. All because he wasn't coming over.. If there were other things I wasnt paying attention I was just focusing on the fact that he wasn't coming over when he said he was.
In bed. Trying to figure out why I was getting teary over this. I wasn't going to call him. No. I was thinking of turning my phone off for the night but I need my alarm so I leave it on.
I lay in bed wondering all sorts of things and
The texts and conversations of the night...
D - Friday lunch at your place if you want
I don't reply back to that.
D - Wow no reply
Darling - Just bummed. Don't worry about Fri at lunch. I know you've got things to do you're working also on Sat. No worries I'm good.
D - I'm disappointed :( :( :(
Darling - I don't see why, but don't be.
D - R U cutting me off?
I don't reply to that as I wasn't thinking of that at all. Which makes me wonder if hes thought of that. I guess I didn't try hard enough not to reply or answer calls. Its just not me to ignore someone that I like. Ive no problem if it was someone that I didnt want
D - Really no lunch on Friday?
D - Really no lunch on Friday?
Darling - Cutting you off?
I wanted to know if he thought I would cut him off? Maybe one day ...aybe.. but it wasnt that time.
D - Really no lunch on Friday?
Darling - Why do you want to do lunch on Friday
D - If you don't want to its OK
Darling Not that I don't want to. I just don't want to feel like you're throwing me a bone. I also know usually do things on Friday. U probably feel a bit bad about not telling me sooner that you're not coming over tonight...
This is where he calls me...
D - Hi, how are you?
Darling - (after a pause) OK ( I don't sound OK but I'm trying. I'm just sad)
We talk about him thinking I was going to cut him off as he thought I was just brushing him off about meeting him on Friday. I told him it was interesting as that was the first time I said no and that's the conclusion that he came to.
After a while of me thinking that cannot be the only time Ive ever said no to sex. I got a bit down and felt like bawling and didnt say much but I think he could hear me sniffling a little bit.
D - Are you going to bed?
Darling - (after another even longer pause) yes
D - (pausing) well... OK... umm... good night...
Darling - (whispers) bye
Back to text messages....
D - I don't want you to be sad
Darling - I know you don't. Its OK Ill bounce back in a bit. I'm good like that. Just a bit confused about all these texts.
D - Really
Darling - Kinda U?
D - Ya not sure whats happening, confused
Darling - R U just saying that? At least its not just me
This is where he calls me again and we talk. I tell him I'm sorry for being a downer. I was looking forward to seeing him that night. He explained why he wasn't able to. Not that he didn't want to. He does, there are other things to think of like sleep and energy for the next day and other things. Fine that's OK. I wont tell him what staying up until past midnight does to me. Its my choice to do that and I shouldn't bring that up.
I tell him I don't want to be monopolizing his time or be annoying. He tells me that he really likes spending time with me and that I'm not at all annoying. I tell him that I feel a bit insecure, he tells me I shouldn't.
He tells me that he was worried that I wanted to end things with him and he didn't want that at all. I told him I wasn't thinking that and I was wondering if he was trying to do the same. No. We both weren't. Though...??
He apologized about not being able to come over that night. I told him I was bummed because I had things.. planned. He said he was sorry for not telling me sooner and that he wasn't sure about the plans to come over that night. Which is where I reminded him of his selective memory to which I repeated almost word for word the conversation we had about plans for that night. He felt bad about me feeling bad.
All too cutesy. Which made me smile and feel better.
I ended it with these texts...
Darling - I'm restless now and I cant sleep anymore.
Darling - Sorry if I offended you. I didn't mean to
This is where he calls me...
'Hi, I cant talk long. I just wanted to make a suggestion...'
Well I was all for his suggestion and had a darn good time going through with it. There are only a couple of things that can get rid of the restlessness...
This morning after he called me I sent him a text message letting him know that if its still on the table to meet for lunch, that I would meet him. I also made some sexy comment to go along with it and that made him cal me to let me know that we would be getting together for sure.
I also sent him another one after that call letting him know to be gentle as I'm shy. My way of tell him him that I still...
After working at J3 and coming home, tired with achy feet. I took a bath to relax. Walked The Big Dog and put on some music. I thought of taking a nap so I'm that much more energized but that didn't happen.
D calls during one of his breaks and we talk about this and that. I asked him teasingly what his plans were after work and he said home to bed. Seriously. I knew then he wasn't planning on coming over. We talked for a few more minutes but I was already bummed and just wanted to get off the phone.
He asked me if I was getting sleepy as I was being quiet. I said 'yes I was' and that I was going to go to bed soon. I really wasnt but knew that I should get some rest. Plus I was bummed. He had to pause at that as usually I stay up and have energy until hes done or close to him being done because we talk and text each other about everything and nothing which seems like everything.
He tells me if I'm still up later and feel like talking to call him. I say OK but don't really plan on it at all. I feel a bit angry, mad and sad at the same time. More than that I felt a little defeated and insecure. All because he wasn't coming over.. If there were other things I wasnt paying attention I was just focusing on the fact that he wasn't coming over when he said he was.
In bed. Trying to figure out why I was getting teary over this. I wasn't going to call him. No. I was thinking of turning my phone off for the night but I need my alarm so I leave it on.
I lay in bed wondering all sorts of things and
The texts and conversations of the night...
D - Friday lunch at your place if you want
I don't reply back to that.
D - Wow no reply
Darling - Just bummed. Don't worry about Fri at lunch. I know you've got things to do you're working also on Sat. No worries I'm good.
D - I'm disappointed :( :( :(
Darling - I don't see why, but don't be.
D - R U cutting me off?
I don't reply to that as I wasn't thinking of that at all. Which makes me wonder if hes thought of that. I guess I didn't try hard enough not to reply or answer calls. Its just not me to ignore someone that I like. Ive no problem if it was someone that I didnt want
D - Really no lunch on Friday?
D - Really no lunch on Friday?
Darling - Cutting you off?
I wanted to know if he thought I would cut him off? Maybe one day ...aybe.. but it wasnt that time.
D - Really no lunch on Friday?
Darling - Why do you want to do lunch on Friday
D - If you don't want to its OK
Darling Not that I don't want to. I just don't want to feel like you're throwing me a bone. I also know usually do things on Friday. U probably feel a bit bad about not telling me sooner that you're not coming over tonight...
Darling - I don't know why you though I was cutting you off
Darling I'm usually the one who is throwing myself at you and being turned down. Should I be asking you that question?? I need a hug
This is where he calls me...
D - Hi, how are you?
Darling - (after a pause) OK ( I don't sound OK but I'm trying. I'm just sad)
We talk about him thinking I was going to cut him off as he thought I was just brushing him off about meeting him on Friday. I told him it was interesting as that was the first time I said no and that's the conclusion that he came to.
After a while of me thinking that cannot be the only time Ive ever said no to sex. I got a bit down and felt like bawling and didnt say much but I think he could hear me sniffling a little bit.
D - Are you going to bed?
Darling - (after another even longer pause) yes
D - (pausing) well... OK... umm... good night...
Darling - (whispers) bye
Back to text messages....
D - I don't want you to be sad
Darling - I know you don't. Its OK Ill bounce back in a bit. I'm good like that. Just a bit confused about all these texts.
D - Really
Darling - Kinda U?
D - Ya not sure whats happening, confused
Darling - R U just saying that? At least its not just me
This is where he calls me again and we talk. I tell him I'm sorry for being a downer. I was looking forward to seeing him that night. He explained why he wasn't able to. Not that he didn't want to. He does, there are other things to think of like sleep and energy for the next day and other things. Fine that's OK. I wont tell him what staying up until past midnight does to me. Its my choice to do that and I shouldn't bring that up.
I tell him I don't want to be monopolizing his time or be annoying. He tells me that he really likes spending time with me and that I'm not at all annoying. I tell him that I feel a bit insecure, he tells me I shouldn't.
He tells me that he was worried that I wanted to end things with him and he didn't want that at all. I told him I wasn't thinking that and I was wondering if he was trying to do the same. No. We both weren't. Though...??
He apologized about not being able to come over that night. I told him I was bummed because I had things.. planned. He said he was sorry for not telling me sooner and that he wasn't sure about the plans to come over that night. Which is where I reminded him of his selective memory to which I repeated almost word for word the conversation we had about plans for that night. He felt bad about me feeling bad.
All too cutesy. Which made me smile and feel better.
I ended it with these texts...
Darling - I'm restless now and I cant sleep anymore.
Darling - Sorry if I offended you. I didn't mean to
This is where he calls me...
'Hi, I cant talk long. I just wanted to make a suggestion...'
Well I was all for his suggestion and had a darn good time going through with it. There are only a couple of things that can get rid of the restlessness...
This morning after he called me I sent him a text message letting him know that if its still on the table to meet for lunch, that I would meet him. I also made some sexy comment to go along with it and that made him cal me to let me know that we would be getting together for sure.
I also sent him another one after that call letting him know to be gentle as I'm shy. My way of tell him him that I still...
Labels: Bummed, Confessions, convos, Happenings, lingerie, looking back, moments, Sex, Sharing, texts, update
2 Comments:
At December 06, 2007 4:10 PM, Scotty said…
You didnt finish!!!
You know, I am sorta confused with you and D. Is it you, or him, that doesnt want to be in a relationship with one another? Or, are you in a relationship with him? This seems like a conversation two folks would have when two people are just having sex and are friends, but one of them wants more.
Or perhaps, it was just that you are friends and are sleeping with one another but a little bit of insecurity on this particular night came into play.
At December 12, 2007 1:27 PM, darling said…
Hi Scotty, Im also confused so dont feel youre the only one :)
I think its both of us for different reasons.
I think we started off one way and its changing which leads to confusion but its not a bad thing otherwise one or both of us would have stopped.
:) Its the good kind of situation to be in as far as bad ones go :)
Good question.
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