352 - reading into

D - 2:06 where are you?

D - 2:06 where are you?

D - 2:07 where are you?

D - 2:08 I think Im heading home

D - 2:08 Tell me youre close

D - 2:09 K, goodnight... I guess

D - 2:09 Where are you?

D - 2:09 Last call

This was a night I had to work late and he finished earlier than I did. We had seen each other for breakfast and lunch. Spoke to each other on the phone in between and in between phone calls and meeting each other. Text messaging each other.

I was running late and couldnt hurry any more than I was and didnt actually get above messages until the next day due to my inbox being full. So with that information its no surprise that I didnt get to go out and have drinks with him.

Needless to say I was really bummed about not seeing him. I was in a mood to just see him. Be with him. Hang out. I think I was really looking forward to going out with anyone. Seeing as it was 2am Most of the people I knew were in bed or heading home.

D was up and well an opportunity unable to be taken by me. Thats all. But it was cute the way he sent those texts. I called him afterI was finished and he was just leaving the bar. He waited for me for an hour. I felt bad that he did but it made me feel nice to know that he would wait.

Its the little things that get to me. Its the little things that confuse me. Its the little things that make me twist myself in a knot. Well, that and all the rest really.

Other messages to and from each other... because I know you are all curious and want to know :)

Darling - It feels like I havent seen you in a while. Looking forward to it soon...

On a night I was out on a dinner date with someone other than D he pulled a little bit of a suck and I sent the following.

Darling - You know I would rather be out with you right? Youre my first choice even when I know Im not yours.

So sometimes theres something that D and I dont do a lot. Sometimes. When were in the midst of sex its very good its very ... orgasmic. Sometimes we dont do a whole lot of kissing. Im almost a little embarrassed to say that.

So I asked him about it and he sends me a text message.

D - I know why we dont kiss.

Darling - Do I want to know?

Darling - Im scared its me

And I was scared there was something that I did and continually do to make him not want to kiss me.

Darling - OK tell me already. Im on pins and needles. Its me isnt it?

Darling - Wait was that text even for me?

Maybe it was meant for someone else that he wasnt kissing? Maybe hes just not into kissing me or anyone else. I didnt want to focus on the fact that there could be others that hes with and not kissing though I take some solace in the fact that if there were others he isnt kissing them either. My mind is twisted. I hope you were able to follow the above.

Darling - Youre pulling my panties arent you?

All these texts while Im working and Im thinking about it and hoping its not me and that he tells me why it is we dont kiss as much as I would like.

D - You are always on top.

I call him for clarification and he thinks its because I seem to really enjoy being on top which means that Im sitting astride and well if I do lean down its usually to fill his mouth with my nipple, left or right. Not always in that order :)

So that gives me something to work on. I dont mind working on these things. Practice makes perfect no?

332 - Go Sens Go :)

Darling 'I have a question.'

D - OK...

Darling Well, ...............(silence on my end)..... Um Never mind

D - ok...

Darling - Its just that it will sound vain and shallow...

D - If you have a question just ask. Its ok.

Darling changes the topic and we both laugh at something funny and as hes laughing... I ask very softly...

Darling - Do you think I'm pretty?

D - Do I think you're pretty? I know I'm not very giving when it comes to that kind of thing... but wait a sec do you think I would be sleeping with you if you weren't.

Darling - Well... Im sure it happens out there to some people. I...

D - I think you're really pretty.

Snippets of conversations from last night with D.

D - Guys at work will fall over themselves over you. You will love the attention. I know this.

Darling - Oh yeah? says who? You know... I think its already happening and I'm only in training. They were trying to convince me to buy a house and if I needed my driveway cleared of snow, they were sure they could have a list of guys who would love to help me out in that area... besides... I like the attention that I get from you.

D - (smiles and gives me a kiss)

I hadn't seen him in more than a week and it was getting to the point where we were both getting frustrated about that. So he came over last night after work and we had sex. It was great. I cant even write about it. Yet :)

My body still living in the memory of last night and is doing all very good things at the moment. TMI.. sorry.

D - Did I tell you about my new budget?

Darling - (laughs) another one? What happened to the previous one?

D - I didn't have a previous one.

Darling - Yes you did... (and I went into detail about what it was and he agreed with me.)

D - OK well this one is a bit different.

We talk about it and Its very doable. He mentioned that he will keep the budget until I'm done training as then it will have to be upped as we'll see each other more. As we wont see each other or go out as much in the next 5 weeks because of me still being in training. I told him to enjoy the savings as it will change when I'm on the priority list in 5 weeks.

I do expect to be on some kind of priority list when I a finished training.

He told me what he made on his lat pay cheque and in my head I wowed but thats OK, Ill make that same amount.. not for 2 years but thats OK. Time flies does it not? He asked how I was with my finances and I told him I wasn't worried about it as I wasn't thinking about it.

I mean I haven't changed any of my habits. I still go shopping and pick up things that I know I might not need and end up giving away. If I don't end up making dinner for myself then I eat something easy like soup and sammies.

Ive been eating really healthy and am continuing the daily use of the treadmill which helps when I come home from training.

Training is fun though I think thats just my personal way of putting a spin on what some people call intense and difficult. Its all in how you look at things.

More to come and I'm trying to find time to finish posts and reply to comments. Ive got a USB thingy that I can use to start and work on posts so its a matter of just getting the internet to hook it all up with. I'm looking forward to it and Go Sens Go!

:)

318 - sinking in.. Florida

D and I talked before he left. I felt a little out of sorts talking about it as I wasn't sure what I could and couldn't talk to him about. In the end I let it all out and he was OK with it all. He understood. He felt bad that there were things that he couldn't help with but he would try to see what he could do.

I told him that it was good enough that he listened. That I wasn't sure who I could talk to about any of that seeing that it had to do with the both of us. I asked him silly things like if there was anything between us. If there was anything between us that would last. If in a few years we would be something more than what we are now.

I told him that I miss sleeping with someone. Not sex. Just someone to lie in bed with sometimes. I miss the closeness I guess, the intimacy with him. We have other moments together Its just not all the moments. I told him I knew that he wouldn't be able to. I told him I knew that it was important for him to be there when Little D gets up in the morning. I told him that it was part of the attraction for me that he had Little D and that I find him a fantastic Dad.

I told him that I knew he wouldn't be able to spend the night because of that and I understood. I just wanted to know if he thought about it... and in my mind I thought Id be pleased if the least he said was yes hes thought about it and if he was able to he would. Just hearing him say it would make me feel better.

My question to him was. If you could would you want to? I got from him, 'I completely understand where you're coming from and its not out there that you have been thinking about it. I knew this issue would come up sometime but I wasn't sure when. You don't know how much I want to and there will be times with this schedule that I will be able to stay until the wee hours of the morning. I will be leaving to be home for when Little D gets up. That's important to me too.'

Throughout the conversation I cried. I cried because it was nice to talk to him about it. It felt good. I cried because of his answers and how much I needed to hear him say things that I only thought of. I cried because I didn't have to hide it.

I asked him if thought I was totally out of line asking these questions and even if he thought they were he said 'no not at all. I'm glad you talk to me about these things it helps us work it out together and keeps it all on the table.'

We somehow went to talking about arrangements like these and I asked him if this is how it usually goes. He didn't know how to answer that and I asked him how what we have is different from the others that he has had. He told me that they don't usually last this long. That they usually don't understand that Little D is his #1 and that it doesn't usually last past a month or so.

He said he would understand if I didn't want to continue the arrangement that we have and if I wanted to just be friends then that's OK with him. He says that's not what he would do but he would understand. He said hes happy with how things are between us and he wants to make sure that I am OK and comfortable with it all. If not then we can just.. be friends.

He said that what we have is new to him too. Its nice to know that its uncharted territory for the both of us. In the end I admitted that the realization that there might not be a future between us was sinking in. I cried, he listened.

It wasn't the greatest conversation but it was one that felt liberating. I don't know how things will be when he gets back. I do miss him. I miss his voice. The phone calls to and from each other. I miss his body. I miss what he does to mine.

I'm cant make a commitment to someone that cant do the same for me. I do have feelings for him and I don't think that will change. I do need to continue on. Ill always be there for as long as he wants me in his life. Hell be in mine as long as he wants to. I don't see myself throwing a friendship away.

He sent a few text messages yesterday and that was nice. I told him to have fun and not to do anything I would do and his reply was really? I can do all that?

Cheeky huh? LOL

In continuing on. I will be going to Florida sometime in early February with M3 for a couple of days if our schedule works out. We will meet each other there.

Cheesecake with AR last night went really well. Hope to see more of each other in the near future.

Got a phone call from Brazil who was in New Brunswick visiting his parents. He was in Ottawa but didn't have my phone number so he wasn't able to find me. He doesn't know where I live either. It was nice to hear from him and to know that Ive been on his mind a lot. He is thinking of moving back but isn't sure of when.

Things are looking up. D will be back Monday. We'll see how things go.

307 - appliances

I know that most women would not appreciate certain things for a present whether it be for Christmas a Birthday or Valentines day etc.

Unless someone has a need for one and you know that it would help.

I know its not the most romantic of gifts, the most expressive or the most thrilling.

I'm wondering if a neck massager is considered an appliance or is it considered something else?

It wasn't a neck massager :)

On the phone D and I were discussing our plans to meet for lunch and I let him decide where we will go. He also adds in that he would like to go to my place afterwards. This takes me by surprise as we don't usually have time to do both. Eat and do the horizontal mambo.. consecutively.

We have lunch and we have a great time, talking, laughing and eating. For some strange reason we both didn't have dinner the night before or have breakfast this morning. So we really enjoyed our lunch.

Outside I check the time and I have roughly 10 minutes until I need to be at work and that wouldn't be enough time. Its never enough time when it comes to the Mambo :) So I broke the news to him and he looked around and then told me that I needed to pull my car up by his.

Confused for a moment and I didn't know what to say so I just did. I pulled up behind his car and he opened his car door and nods inside. I laughed out loud and tilted my head at him and said in the most girliest voice Ive ever heard myself in say 'really?'

Its his turn to laugh at me and he tells me to 'come on.' I wonder if I should leave my car running is the thought that flits through my mind. I let it run and I open my door and take a quick peek around to parking lot. In the middle of the day. I must be crazy. D must be crazy. But I'm horny and D must be horny. So I walk over to the door and he nods towards the back seat.

I keep eye contact with him and hes smiling away. He must be looking forward to this. I'm still a bit taken aback and then I look inside the car and in his back seat is sitting a big box that I'm not sure how he got inside his car.

I realize what it is and I burst out in laughter. Laughter for a couple of reasons.

1 I cant believe he got me that
2 I cant believe that I thought he wanted to have sex in the restaurants parking lot.
3 That I reacted the say I did
4 That I lead myself on the way I did.
5 I'm such a tease to myself.

That was more than a couple but I'm still laughing about it all. He transfers it into my backseat and I marvel at how it actually fit into the backseat. Its a huge box.

D - I wanted to wrap it for you but I was running late to meet you here and I didn't want to keep you waiting.

Darling - That's OK Its got bows on it.

D - That's not all it comes with..

He bends inside his car and pulls out a little basket of goodies. Popcorn, chocolates and more chocolate covered sweets. I laugh some more. Genuinely of course. I never expected it. To be honest I wasn't expecting anything because well.. that's another post.

Darling - I wasn't expecting anything, I think this is really sweet. Out of the blue but really sweet. You'll have to come over some time and share this popcorn with me sometime...

D - Of course

I wasn't expecting anything from him at all and if I was to think of something it would have been something like something. I cant think of anything at the moment. Go figure. OK I lied I was expecting something. But nothing like what he did get. I was expecting some chocolate spread that he would use my body as a canvas.

So I'm still smiling about it. We kiss. We hug. I want to take him home with me but I don't. I get in my car. Roll down my window and say something about women getting appliances for presents.. He laughs and tells me that I need it.

Funnily enough, getting a microwave was something that I was debating on getting for 2008. I told him that when he calls me 2 minutes later. There's laughter in my voice and I want to tell him hes a nut but a good nut. I keep that to myself. Why? because I think I put my foot in my mouth about the women getting appliances as presents comment might have been taken badly.

It wasn't, but still. We talk while were both on our way to work and we laugh about this and that and its all good. I'm happy and for some reason. Really happy.

Over a microwave, sweets and popcorn.

306 - calling

Darling - OK Im bringing it up. This thing that were doing. When I start working with you.. What will happen between us and our situation?

D - That's up to you.

I wonder how its up to me because hes the one that told me that he doesn't mix his work life with his sex life. That he doesn't date co-workers.. and that's exactly what I will be in the hopefully early new year. A co-worker that is.

Darling - That's the thing though how can it be up to me when you're the one who said that you don't do that. I mean don't you think that would be weird?

D - Well that's what you said. That it would be weird.

Darling - Not for the same reasons as you're thinking. I just think it would be weird to all of a sudden stop. If I was already working there and we met there then it wouldn't happen. But since we met prior to me starting there. Don't you think it would be weird to just turn it off, cut it off cold turkey, that's it that's all you've had your fun move on to the next one?

D - I'm OK with it if we continue on.

This confuses me as now hes going back on what he said before? That or hes realizing what it is he'll be giving up? Or have I just not been paying attention and we've both been thinking the same of the other. That the other person wanted to end the arrangement after I start there. Deep down I think that's what this is. A matter of both of us not wanting it to end and thinking that the other person did.

Darling - OK, so... we'll just continue on and keep it going.

D- We'll continue on.

This isn't the end of that conversation. Ill have to ask him a few other things just because I'm too nosy to keep it to myself. Right now I cant really recall what else I wanted to bring up :) Silly me.

Before we had that conversation hes mentioned things like when I start working there Ill have a lot of men asking me out. It wont just be the guys I work with he says, it will also be clients. Ill have my pick of whoever I want. Upon hearing that I would make glib comments and change the topic to something similar.

I cant decide if its because he wants me to start looking for someone new. Or if he wants to see what my reaction will be and if I bite on the idea of having men thrown themselves at me. Highly unlikely for those of you who are wondering. For men to be throwing themselves at me that is.

Hes reacted on a few occasions when Ive mentioned people I have to go see or have dinners with. I mentioned going to Toronto to visit a friend of mine sometime and Ive mentioned meeting a friend who lives in Chicago and this guy and that guy. Never mentioning what kind of relationship it is. Just that they are friends. Most times I wont even say whether its a guy or not just a general friend. Could be female.

So his reactions have been interesting, like. Who are you going to visit this time? Or who is coming to visit you? There's been mention of dates Ive gone on with that hmmm knowing tone that someone uses when they don't really know. Cute really.

There's nothing wrong with his reactions. Its human to react. Maybe its a good thing that hes reacting otherwise the alternative would be no reaction and that he doesn't care? :) AHA!

D is working extra hours as hes trying to get his trip to be completely paid off. Hes planning on going to Florida in January sometime. No he hasn't asked me if I would like to go with him. Hes going with a couple of guys that he works with and I know that hell have his hands full. I'm not worried about the normal things. I'm just worried that I wont have my daily fix of D.

As much as I think about going with them I know Ill be in the midst of hopefully... training for the job. That or my life. It should be good.

Another thought I had was this trip to San Diego and how Ill be able to keep in touch with D. I feel like a geek thinking about that but I will miss talking to him. One of two things will happen. Distance makes the heart grow fonder or distance will make the heart go wander.

I'm hoping for fonder but we shall see. I might be able to count on one hand the days in which we didn't speak for the whole day. By no means were the days consecutive. My vacation is putting me in a spot where its making me think like a girl.

Must stop that. Ill still have a cell phone with me so I wont be completely cut off. You never know who will be calling.

299 - being insecure

I was looking forward to seeing D and doing things to D that are only described in books that have a covers of a half naked men who have wind blown hair and is standing on a shipwreck...

After working at J3 and coming home, tired with achy feet. I took a bath to relax. Walked The Big Dog and put on some music. I thought of taking a nap so I'm that much more energized but that didn't happen.

D calls during one of his breaks and we talk about this and that. I asked him teasingly what his plans were after work and he said home to bed. Seriously. I knew then he wasn't planning on coming over. We talked for a few more minutes but I was already bummed and just wanted to get off the phone.

He asked me if I was getting sleepy as I was being quiet. I said 'yes I was' and that I was going to go to bed soon. I really wasnt but knew that I should get some rest. Plus I was bummed. He had to pause at that as usually I stay up and have energy until hes done or close to him being done because we talk and text each other about everything and nothing which seems like everything.

He tells me if I'm still up later and feel like talking to call him. I say OK but don't really plan on it at all. I feel a bit angry, mad and sad at the same time. More than that I felt a little defeated and insecure. All because he wasn't coming over.. If there were other things I wasnt paying attention I was just focusing on the fact that he wasn't coming over when he said he was.

In bed. Trying to figure out why I was getting teary over this. I wasn't going to call him. No. I was thinking of turning my phone off for the night but I need my alarm so I leave it on.

I lay in bed wondering all sorts of things and

The texts and conversations of the night...

D - Friday lunch at your place if you want

I don't reply back to that.

D - Wow no reply

Darling - Just bummed. Don't worry about Fri at lunch. I know you've got things to do you're working also on Sat. No worries I'm good.

D - I'm disappointed :( :( :(

Darling - I don't see why, but don't be.

D - R U cutting me off?

I don't reply to that as I wasn't thinking of that at all. Which makes me wonder if hes thought of that. I guess I didn't try hard enough not to reply or answer calls. Its just not me to ignore someone that I like. Ive no problem if it was someone that I didnt want

D - Really no lunch on Friday?

D - Really no lunch on Friday?

Darling - Cutting you off?

I wanted to know if he thought I would cut him off? Maybe one day ...aybe.. but it wasnt that time.

D - Really no lunch on Friday?

Darling - Why do you want to do lunch on Friday

D - If you don't want to its OK

Darling Not that I don't want to. I just don't want to feel like you're throwing me a bone. I also know usually do things on Friday. U probably feel a bit bad about not telling me sooner that you're not coming over tonight...

Darling - I don't know why you though I was cutting you off

Darling I'm usually the one who is throwing myself at you and being turned down. Should I be asking you that question?? I need a hug

This is where he calls me...

D - Hi, how are you?

Darling - (after a pause) OK ( I don't sound OK but I'm trying. I'm just sad)

We talk about him thinking I was going to cut him off as he thought I was just brushing him off about meeting him on Friday. I told him it was interesting as that was the first time I said no and that's the conclusion that he came to.

After a while of me thinking that cannot be the only time Ive ever said no to sex. I got a bit down and felt like bawling and didnt say much but I think he could hear me sniffling a little bit.

D - Are you going to bed?

Darling - (after another even longer pause) yes

D - (pausing) well... OK... umm... good night...

Darling - (whispers) bye

Back to text messages....

D - I don't want you to be sad

Darling - I know you don't. Its OK Ill bounce back in a bit. I'm good like that. Just a bit confused about all these texts.

D - Really

Darling - Kinda U?

D - Ya not sure whats happening, confused

Darling - R U just saying that? At least its not just me

This is where he calls me again and we talk. I tell him I'm sorry for being a downer. I was looking forward to seeing him that night. He explained why he wasn't able to. Not that he didn't want to. He does, there are other things to think of like sleep and energy for the next day and other things. Fine that's OK. I wont tell him what staying up until past midnight does to me. Its my choice to do that and I shouldn't bring that up.

I tell him I don't want to be monopolizing his time or be annoying. He tells me that he really likes spending time with me and that I'm not at all annoying. I tell him that I feel a bit insecure, he tells me I shouldn't.

He tells me that he was worried that I wanted to end things with him and he didn't want that at all. I told him I wasn't thinking that and I was wondering if he was trying to do the same. No. We both weren't. Though...??

He apologized about not being able to come over that night. I told him I was bummed because I had things.. planned. He said he was sorry for not telling me sooner and that he wasn't sure about the plans to come over that night. Which is where I reminded him of his selective memory to which I repeated almost word for word the conversation we had about plans for that night. He felt bad about me feeling bad.

All too cutesy. Which made me smile and feel better.

I ended it with these texts...

Darling - I'm restless now and I cant sleep anymore.

Darling - Sorry if I offended you. I didn't mean to

This is where he calls me...

'Hi, I cant talk long. I just wanted to make a suggestion...'

Well I was all for his suggestion and had a darn good time going through with it. There are only a couple of things that can get rid of the restlessness...

This morning after he called me I sent him a text message letting him know that if its still on the table to meet for lunch, that I would meet him. I also made some sexy comment to go along with it and that made him cal me to let me know that we would be getting together for sure.

I also sent him another one after that call letting him know to be gentle as I'm shy. My way of tell him him that I still...

298 - open to suggestion

I didn't get to see V or BC before they left. Not a big deal really as I know they will return to Ottawa. V sooner and more often than BC. Which is fine. If I had to choose who to spend more time with it would be with V. Just because.

BC was nice enough it was just a little too... much. Too much of what? I think too much of something that I'm not 100% sure of.

Things that made me pause and tilt my head in thought.

I'm glad you want to hook up
Call me anytime after work/party. Anytime, really.
When you're at home and you feel aroused and are planning on playing with yourself. Call me.

Really. I'm pretty tolerant when it comes to a lot of things/people. He just gave me more to think of than most. Its not all good things, as well its just things that make me think of the kind of person he is/looking for.

So I had a conversation about what hooking up and meeting up with someone means. I'm not sure if I shared this with you but I recently in the year 2007 I found out the difference between hooking up and meeting up. Anyway. I don't think Ive ever asked anyone if they wanted to hook up. Its always been meet. Its not bad its just to me. It sounds very cold and impersonal. That's just me though.

Even if we were looking for the same type of things. There's a certain way to go about it. Up front, in your face and I want an answer now really doesn't do it for me. I guess in a way what I learned is that I do want some kind of chase/give and take/ flirting/uncertainty. Not interested in the wham - bam - thank you Darling.

I hope this doesn't put me under a shady spotlight but... thoughts go this way...
If its a sure thing. I wont go out and advertise it. I'm picky.
I enjoy sex and I'm sure I would enjoy it with most people. Some more than others :)
I do think of that often. Ive got some wires crossed I'm sure
My girlfriends have no idea how crossed they are
They know that I'm a bit on the more adventurous side
I share some but not all details. Some things are meant to be kept a secret :)

OK so I do want someone who enjoys the lead up to having sex.
Not just come on over and lets get it on.
Though everything has its moments and maybe not in those words
But not on your first, second or third meeting... or whenever you think...
Its really when I'm in the mood.

Though I am open to suggestions :)

282 - closer and closer

I know Ive been lacking in my posts. I apologize. Ive got tons of posts started that just needs a bit more work. Not having the Internet at home really doesn't help.


On the work front. Things are going well at work. I find myself looking forward to leaving. Ive been with this company going on 5 years and its just time for a change. This new position I'm vying for is something that I'm not 100% sure of. But change is good and this will be a change.


I'm nervous about it but there's a training period and its a wait and see kind of situation. If I don't get the position then that's OK. Ill just be here until I find something else. Ive heard of people doing it the opposite way. Leave the current job first then find something after. I'm not that much of a risk taker so Ill do it this way.

On the family front. My aunts who I haven't seen for more than 15 years will be spending the Christmas holidays with us. I think this will be the first time in a very long time that all the sisters will be spending a holiday together. It will be nice but it will also be very strained as I'm sure being a family get together. Ill be subjected to spending time with someone I would rather not.


My sister is thinking of moving to San Diego. She'll be able to do her class work by correspondence which comes in handy. I'm not sure of the timeline that shes looking at. This depends on when her boy friend gets accepted to teach English in Japan. Its all a wait and see.


My dad is in Puerto Rico and will be there for a while. I sent him an email asking him if hes been following the news of the fires in San Diego. I asked him if his place was affected and Ive yet to hear back from him. I know hes busy so I'm not worried. I am worried about his place there and how things are if its in the area of the fires.


Its my dads Birthday this Friday. We've got a package to send him but seeing as hes in Puerto Rico. We'll be holding on to it until hes back home.


My brother is planning on getting the new Xbox 360. I asked him what his plans were for the one he will be replacing and Ive somewhat convinced him that its new home should be my apartment. I'm not a huge fan of video games. Though I do like fighting games like Street fighter. I don't play long or often, for when I do, my thumb muscles get tired quickly and sometimes cramp up.

The Big dog and I ran through an new area where there's lots of bushes and shrubbery for her to inspect. I think something bit her tail as there looks to be a bug bite of some sort which drives her bonkers. Bonkers as in running around chasing her tail. Makes me shake my head and smile at her silliness.


Speaking of dogs. My sister has asked me to take care of hers when she moves and I do and I don't. I feel bad as it is not being home for The Big dog and having another one will just double the guilt. We shall see. Maybe I could make a bid for her fish. Though I think shes planning on making them a package deal. Dogs and fish go together.


One of my girlfriends. The one in The Penalty Box seems to have redeemed herself somewhat. I have yet to remove her from TPB which seems to work because when shes not in it, things seem to fall to the wayside. I'm bringing dinner over tonight and shes making the pina coladas. She didn't make it right. Its mostly alcohol but that's how we like it. It really packs a punch.


I told her it wont be a late night tonight as Ive got the next stage schedule for tomorrow. I imagine Ill be in bed by 9:30-10pm tonight. Bright and early tomorrow at 8am is when Ive got to be on the ball. Ive warned her Ill just be having 2 drinks and nothing more.


Lunch with D today. Ive left it up to him today. He gets to decide what to do. I'm happy either way. That is if we go to a restaurant for lunch or if we go Chez Darling. Its pretty interesting, all this. How I teeter sometimes from one side to the other. I'm amused by it all and I'm aware theres a risk for something that I might not like but there's also the benefit for something pleasant. Who knows?


I'm not in the market for a relationship. D and I are both in agreement with that. We each have our own reasons for it. So its neat that were OK with how things are. I know I might, sort of, could complicate things by fairy taling it. Though I think in time it will just as things do. Fizzle.


I'm aware I do it though and bring myself back to reality. The only person I share it with is my sister and well... of course you.

So its well after lunch as you can tell and D and I had an interesting conversation. If I get this new job. D and I will be coworkers. Ive never fooled around or been with a coworker and neither has he and we both go by the no hanky panky with co workers. This puts me in a funny pair of slippers and I'm kind of sad.

Ill still want to be with him and I still want to get the job. Another case of wanting to have my cake and eat it too. He says we'll see. I'm OK with it if it has to come to that but I wont be ecstatic about it. I mean. Who would be?

Just another thing to think about which makes it interesting. I cant complain too much. I have my health, my home, friends and family and if worse comes to worse. Ill have BOB around more often than not.

Tomorrow is another big day in the me getting the new job dept. So keep me in mind and send me good, calm and focused thoughts :)

Closer and closer...

278 - lurking

I haven't been posting as much as Id like to. I'm concentrating on trying to get through the stages in order to get the job. Ive had to in less than a week talk to3 of my present and previous managers for a reference.

Its unclear whether I am only required to have a list of 3 references or if I need 3 written references. Deep down I think its just a list of 3 they need to be able to contact. However that is also easier than having to go get 3 written ones. Its not hard. Its just getting them all in a timely fashion. @ I have to run after. One was done the same day. The other wants me to write it out myself and has given me carte blanche to embellish if I should so please. I don't as I wouldn't feel comfortable. Honestly is best. Plus the honest truth is I was pretty damn great there and everywhere :)

Writing it out myself is a bit weird as I feel like I'm bragging but its not its just pointing out great qualities that I have. But it still feels like gloating. Ive asked D to draft a letter for me and Ill use that and have that previous employer sign it.

This weekend is Thanksgiving weekend and Monday is a Holiday. Tuesday is my interview and I feel its cutting it a bit close. But it could just be me. I'm kicking myself a little bit as I did have time the week before to get it all done. I was just unsure about getting to this stage. This just teaches me its better to err on the right side of caution.

Its interesting as I did think about it, about getting it done sooner. I'm not quite sure why I didn't. It may be because I don't want to get too ahead of myself. I also didn't want to seem ... full of myself. Now I feel like I'm a monkey on their backs about it.

"I know you're busy, I wanted to know how you were coming along with my reference letter and if I am able to pick it up today."

"Ill be seeing you this Thurs night and Sat night and I was wondering which night to expect it."

"I really appreciate this and I'm pleased that you feel comfortable enough to write a reference letter for me."

Ive decided (very recently... like just now) not to worry too much about it. It would be nice to have all 3 letters in hand when I walk into the interview. It will just give me that extra boost of confidence. However if I only have 1 (which I currently have) or 2 (which I might be able to pick up tonight) Ill be happy. Again all 3 would be great but '2 out of 3 ain't bad' as someone once said :)

There are a few things I need to do to prepare myself for this and Ill have some homework which D has helped me with. I feel like I'm still a bit clueless but he thinks Ill do fine. Just be relaxed and keep things simple. Ive made notes and I'm hopeful and excited about moving ahead.

Its exciting, the thought that I might be doing something different if things should work out. OK not if but WHEN things work out. That's better. Tuesday it is. If things go well with this panel interview then onto the next stage which I will definitely fret over like I usually do.

D had breakfast with Jason from the other night and another of his co workers. I get a call after breakfast and part of the conversation went like this.

D - Jason was pretty drunk that night, he and Pete drank a lot and Jason was pretty out of it.

Darling - It was a good time/

D - Its funny... Jason told me you guys made out that night. He said he asked for a kiss and that's how it started.

Darling - (laughs) If he calls that making out he needs to get back in the game... and if you see him next time, tell him I wasn't satisfied with it.

D - I just laughed when he told that story

Darling - Funny ha ha or funny interestinggg

D - I laughed

Darling - What a little trouble maker... I guess If that's what making out is I also made out with Pete.

The next day. I bring it up again. Why? Because I want to know if it bothered him or if hes OK with it. Should I bother going down this thought process? Would his reaction be an indication of how he sees me? us?

Earlier today. Lunch was a bowl full of sex. Messy sex. In my apartment, on my bed. Just how I like it. Messy enough to take a shower and rush to work with damp hair. Its been a while. It was also very good. Not enough but it was good. So good that while he was in the shower. I took the opportunity to continue to play with myself and make a bigger mess. No he didn't know what I was doing. But I was a bit turned on about him not knowing.

How do you tell someone you want more without insulting them if they cant do more? Or how do I find out if there is a possibility of more but there is something that's holding them back? Specially if its me? EEK!

Its nice what this is. But I think in order for me to continue to enjoy my life. Ill have to take a step back and go out and rub noses with those patiently waiting in The Soup. Its nice to be with someone that doesn't have the same complications as D does. I'm OK with them as I'm pretty laid back that way and peoples lives are so different that when its out of my control. There's nothing I can do about it and there's no reason for me to get all twisted over.

Ive got another long night ahead of me and D might want to go out. I'm not sure if he does or not yet as he was planning on giving me a choice. Lunch today or after hes done work. I don't think he'll want to go out after hes done work. I wont plan on it. But it wold be neat to be surprised.

I need to catch up on sleep and need to buy groceries for Thanksgiving which were celebrating Monday at lunch. We all have plans to have dinner elsewhere for dinner that night and the night before.

Happy Turkey and Have a great weekend. Ill post about how the interview went. Thanks for being in my corner :)

PS I know I haven't been checking blogs lately but I will return to that as soon as things start working itself out in the new job category. Ive been lurking when I can though :)

Darling a lurker.. makes me giggle :)

277 - over and under

I went out with D after I worked the hockey game on Saturday. He finished work a couple of hours after I did so I went out with my sister for a couple of drinks instead of heading home. My sister and I went to a Pub close to her place and we had a few drinks and caught up on whats been happening and not happening in our lives.


It was good to see her. We've both been busy so it was a treat to hang out. After a few drinks I get a call from D letting me know that it wont just be the two of us. That he bumped into a high school friend and that he'll be out with us as well. Kind of bummed but that's OK. Its always nice to meet other people.


I get there first but before I do D calls to make sure I'm on my way. I'm late once and hes always thinking Ill be late. See why I don't like being late? I don't know if its that I don't like being late.. I think its more of I don't want anyone to doubt me. Ill be there.


I think its cute as I know hes teasing me and not doing it to make me feel bad. At least that's what I tell myself :) So Even if he was trying to make me feel bad it wouldn't work as it is pretty small and not worth fighting over.

We met at Local Heroes which is a midpoint between both our places and its pretty easy to get to. I got there first and then he walked in. I wanted to take him home and do naughty things to and with him. But I held off on that idea.

His friends came shortly after and his friend Jason and Pete were nice. It was Pete's Birthday and Jason works with D. I found myself having drink after drink and I was really enjoying myself. It was neat to hear them talk about their school days together and more interesting was their drinking years.

While conversations run rampant above the tables. Hands were getting busy underneath. I found myself pulled by the alcohol to a horny stupor. First my knee found his and together they maintained contact. Then came my hand to rest on his knee which occasionally would squeeze gently. I would then find my hand roaming up his thigh only to return to his knee.

When that didn't receive any objections I continued that every so often, often enough to feel him grow.. ing. Very erotic as on the surface were all proper and lean down and well, we just weren't. I'm sure you can tell how amorous I was feeling. I was imagine no Pete or Jason there with D and I naked in places that I didn't care about just as long as we were naked and together.

At some point after drink 6 or 7 I went to the ladies room and found myself wondering about if I might feel his hand on my knee, my bare knee at that. I went out and the power of thought is indeed great and we must have been thinking the same thing as there was some definite reciprocation under the table and more to boot. At drink number I don't recall anymore. I went back to the ladies room and on my way out and about 10 feet from our table. I took a quick look around and saw that we were alone in that area.

More importantly, that I was alone and no one could see what I was to do next. I shimmied out of my panties as D was looking my way. I winked at him and he just smiled at me as I seated myself. My knee swung open to the side and I saw him lean back in his chair and see his eyes dart down. His jaw clenched and as he leaned back to the table his hand found his way to me.

Oh the man can tease and please.

My hand found his zipper and found him straining. Oh how things are looking up. I would wonder every so often if the other guys knew what was happening. I also wondered if I flashed anyone else. We were sitting on high bar stools around a table and well there was ample opportunity for a flash here and there. Unintentional on my part of course.

I got teased quite often by Jason who got a kick that I was newly 28. I teased right back that soon he wouldn't be allowed out without a chaperone hence he forgets his name or where he needed to go. It was all good times.

At the end of the night and way past the time they should have been closed. D went to the men's room and I was left to say goodbyes. Jason asked for a kiss. So I leaned in and he aimed for my lips. I turned my head to one side. He kissed my cheek. He also said no no a real kiss on the lips. So he leaned down again and I turned my head to the other side and winked at Pete as he kissed me on the other cheek. Pete laughed and I smiled. So for being a good sport about it I gave him a quick kiss on the lips.

It was after all Petes Birthday so I gave him the same deal. Cheek, cheek, lips. Then the bartender lets me know that D is waiting for me at the door. I look and hes watching me. I dont feel guilty. But there was a thought. 'I wonder if he saw that and what hes thinking.' I go to him and he opens the door for me.

Outside, alone.
We kiss. We touch.
We try to get into each others clothes.
The door opens and its the guys.
We part.
I lean into him and ask if hes coming over.
He says He wants to but cant.
I tell him he kills me, turn and walk away.
Not after I run my hands over him.
I know he wants me.
I know its not that he doesn't want to. Hes just got other things
I walk backwards to my car, were both watching each other.

I get in my car and watch him drive away. Soon after I drive home I get a text from him 'Don't be mad, Ill make it up to you.' That doesn't take away the need that's been building inside me. But it does make me melt just a little bit. My reply? 'You kill me but I still want you.. I'm not mad'

Its his day off today. Hes got plans which is fine. G is coming over tonight. Then Ill be hanging out with one of my girl friends.

Then I'm bartending on Thurs, Fri and Saturday. I said no to Sunday because Ill be at J3.

Oh and the interview. Tuesday Oct 9th at 12:30. Send good vibes please :)

276 - brain freeze

So far so good on being 28. Ive been spending time with family and friends. Things are looking bright and I feel positive about things.

I applied for a position that requires a series of tests and interviews that I need to pass before I find out if I have the job. Its a bit of a belated present but I got confirmation that I was successful in stage 2. I am now waiting to hear when I go to the next stage.

I was quite sure that there was no chance that I did well in stage 2. I walked out not confident about how I did and how the results would turn out. Its a bit dis concerning not to have that surety or even an idea of how you did.

Should the results have been negative and there is still a possibility that at one of the stages I wont be successful. Ill be bummed and take it personally. Lets hope that doesn't happen. I know its not personal its just a matter of being a fit and if the shoe doesn't fit. Onto the next shoe.

Its interesting and a very good thing, interesting really as I'm not sure what made it happen. I saw D for lunch on my birthday. I told him it what day it was and it wasn't awkward at all. Really fun, especially with the margarita I had.

Then Yesterday I saw him for drinks after he was done work. I met with D after I was with my friend who even though we were able to hang out. It wasn't very fun. Girls night does not include the boyfriend and the boyfriends children.

I wasn't expecting to see him at all or have him ask me if I wanted to go out for drinks. It was a good time and I needed to end the day on a good note. Ending the night with sex would have ended it on a great note but it wasn't to happen. Though I did ask and it was sweetly declined with a promise to come over another night.

Sometimes I know what his answer will be and yet I still ask. I'm not bummed when I hear what I already know. I just tease him with it afterwards. Its fun and flirty and we laugh a lot. However it is a huge treat when his answer is something I wasn't expectating.. but I really was expecting :)

Darling - I was just wondering and I think I need to be reminded every so often. What is this?

D - What do you mean?

Darling - Never mind

D - You mean this.. us?

Darling - yes

D - I don't know. I mean I like you. I like hanging out with you. Because of xyz I cant do more than that.

Darling - You aren't married right?

D - No not at all

Darling - OK Just making sure.

D - What about you?

Darling - I like you... which makes it hard for me to sleep with other people. I mean I like hanging out with you too.

D - I cant stop you if you do. That's something I cant ask of you because I cant have more than this.

Darling - I know you would be OK with 123 and not 456

D - I have no problem if you brought 123 to your place. Just don't bring 456.

Darling - Its not that simple.

D - I'm not sleeping with anyone except you. There's no other woman.

Outside by our cars. We kiss. There's a lingering in the kiss which doesn't always happen. I think we both have feelings that havent been shared with each other. For me anyway, I know there is. If I can wax poetic for a moment It felt like a message. A silent plea for something to be understood. If it cant be said, the kiss is the vehicle to make it understood.

I understand all right. I understand that I can get pretty wishy washy at times. I second guess myself. I don't know if its him that I want. I certainly don't mind the package that comes with him as far as who is in his life. Its just him and what hes looking for.. even if what hes looking for can only happen in 5 years. I kind of want to be what hes looking for. Why? I don't know.

So my reply was a bit off the wall wasn't it? Out of all the things I could have said why that? Brain freeze

That's another post.

274 - day before

I took a nap and was late meeting D on Friday oh wait Saturday at that time. We were on the phone an hour before we were supposed to meet and I just wanted to rest my eyes and heard the phone ring and answered it.

D- Where are you?
Darling- Ill be there in a few minutes
D- You know you re late.
Darling- I know I'm sorry Ill see you soon

I flip the phone off and throw the blankets off of me and run to my bedroom for some clothes. I don't bother with any bra or panties. I run out with flip flops on my feet and send a prayer up for green lights and no cops.

About 2 minutes away from meeting him and about 8 minutes after talking to him last. He calls again asking where I am . I tell him about 2 minutes away and I'm sorry. He asks me if I was doing something that shall remain nameless. I said no I wasn't.

I told him the truth as much as I was a bit embarrassed to. That I was sleeping. I meant to close my eyes just to relax and ended up sleeping. He said that I should have told him and we didn't have to meet.

In my head I was thinking. Yes I could have but then who knows when we would get together again. I mean I knew it would be some time during the week but our time together is limited and its a treat to see him. It really is.

I get all shy and girly and I hold myself in check sometimes because I literally want to drag him home to bed. Or the car, the nearest park bench or picnic table... you get the idea.

So I tell him that 'I want to see you tonight' I know that we aren't going to have sex but I still want to see him. I cant explain it. I cant tell you if he feels the same way. All I know is that I like... him.

I like talking to him on the home and find it a bit difficult with him cutting back on phone time. I like seeing him in any capacity, whether its just us two or in a group setting. I just like being near him. So I was sleeping and was late seeing him I was still happy to see him even if its for a couple of hours.

Ive also gotten in the habit of kissing him every so often when the mood hits. I just lean in and press my lips to his, pull away and continue on with the conversation. He always smiles when he sees me lean in as well as after I do it. He never does anything that says its not wanted. I don't mind that he doesn't do the same thing. If he does. Ill be surprised. Pleasantly.

What can I say I like him. That and sometimes I have the most incredible urge to take his lower lip between mine and rub my tongue from side to side. Tomorrow...

I wont see him today. Tomorrow we are meeting for lunch unless something comes up that wont allow that to happen. I'm not sure if he knows what tomorrow is. Ive mentioned it without saying it outright. Ive mentioned that it was a week after The Big Dogs. Ive left it at that.

I'm undecided about whether I want him to know or not... or if I want to tell him outright. If he doesn't say anything because he doesn't know then that's OK with me. Its not a big deal. If he happens to mention something then it will be nice. I'm not going to think he doesn't care if nothing happens. Its another day is what it is.

I'm probably not even going to remember until someone calls me to remind me. But much is planned. People who remember have called and made plans to spend some time together. That's nice, I like it that way.

Well another year has gone by. Its been a great year. I didn't do half as much as I wanted to and did too many things that might have been better not. But overall I'm happy and healthy. In the big picture I can improve on certain parts of my life, things are going well in most.

My sister says I still look like I did when I was 18/19. I wonder if that will ever change. Quite possibly. So for now, and everyday that follows.

Enjoy.

Oh and Ill be bar tending more often. As often as I can handle it that is. Ill have to see how my body is doing and how much it can take. Which means Ill also be rearrabging my work schedule for J2 and J3 until I figure out how much I can handle.

272 - glow and blush

My Grandmother may be going home tomorrow. My aunts a bit hesitant to bring her home so soon. However the patient is anxious to return to her home. I cant blame her.

I got called in to work tonight unexpectedly. I said yes. They were in a bind and my plans fell through.

Lunch with D was not only sexually satisfying. It was also emotionally satisfying. I really didn't want to go back to work. Though I did and I did have a smile that wouldn't go away. A glow, a blush that remains until now. We didn't spoon or cuddle or any of that but we did stay in bed and talk about things. It was... really nice. x`

What a fun afternoon. Which brings me to my next few thoughts.

- Libidos. What is low, normal/average or high? Does masturbation count or not.
- I know I shouldn't compare myself or my sex life with anyone elses.
- Sometimes it seems like I'm at the end of the line and everyone is doing things or trying things that I haven't and I continue to wait until its my turn.
- Other times Its the other way around.
- But mostly it seems like I'm at the tail end of the sexual revolution and I need to catch up.
- Catch up on what? I cant imagine things have changed that much.
- Or has it?
- I don't know, I'm trying to figure it out.
- So back to libidos. Does thinking about it count or is it just the act that counts.
- Because if thinking about.. .things count then... never mind :)

Ill be talking about this some more some other time :)

271 - muffins

D makes me muffins, blueberry, with fresh blueberries and something about it makes me all girly inside.


He cooks, he cleans, he works, he has fun, he... AND he bakes. I don't know if its any of that. Or if its my delusional self that's thinking he thought of me. In a non sexual way. He put 3 tasty muffins into a zip lock bag, for me.


Garsh I like the guy. He bakes muffins and I'm back to square one, go to jail, do not pass go, do not collect your orgasm. I like him all over again. Of course I never stopped. Its just now, there's more reason to like him.. Oh come on the man bakes!


Which brings to mind... do you know the muffin man? ... enter thought process...


...looking at the word muffin the word muff stands out to me...


I went out with someone whose screen name looked something like.. muff dvr...


... (smile) ...


Back to the muffins, and the muffinmaker they really were tasty. Just how I like them.


To the muffin man. He delivered, just how I like it. Love those lunch dates we have at my apartment. I should be thankful that its a 10 minute drive one way. You don't want to know how many times I have been late in coming back :)


Oh good news. Actually now that I think about it I'm not so sure if its good or not. Hes going back to his Old schedule. He'll be done at about 12:30am or is it 11:30 one or the other. The midnight adventures will re-commence in the first week of September.


I'm always a bit antsy when its been a while since he and I have had sex. Kind of like a kid in a candy store... or a kid in the back seat on a long road trip. Are we there yet? Are we there yet? When will be have sex? When will we have sex?


Its not the same with others in the soup. I think its because Ive singled this one out and hes up at bat?

I sent a text after we went our separate ways. 'I hope it was worth the wait' Playing up to the fact that its been a while. He replied with a damn right LOL

Now for some not so great news. I wont have contact with D until tomorrow. How strange its going to be the first day that we don't have contact for a long period of time. Ill be painting the town red. Him.. not so much but I know ill think of him. I hope he does the same.

269 - lasting a couple of hours

Ive been getting emails from S asking me if he should move on and find someone else to .. play with. Ive yet to reply to him. Not that I want to stop seeing S. Its just difficult to coordinate times to meet each other. Because its been difficult to meet with him Ive gotten frustrated with him as he doesn't seem to understand the word compromise.

P is Mr focused. He introduced me to the 6 inch rule. Once its been broken, there's no turning around and getting it back. The 6 inches refers to the space between 2 people. If it hasn't been broken then there's no touching of any sexual kind. I'm trying to remember if I shook his hand but that I don't think that would have counted in breaking the rule. Ive yet to tell him that I have my own place.


S2 sends me messages online. I get the feeling hes working a different angle now. Hes more complimentary and charming. Which I would ordinarily enjoy however from him. It just doesn't work. I know he just wants to gag me, tie me up and bring me to his special place. Its interesting to me that this grown man would think that someone would actually agree to that. Its scarier to think that someone would say yes to an offer like that.

M3 has called a few times in the wee hours of the morning when I am asleep. The time difference between us is one hour and hes behind. Sometimes Ill pick up the phone and think Why when I hear the voice. But sometimes its really good to hear him. :) Its mighty entertaining. I'm always glad when he calls and enjoys himself.

T is someone from the same area as M and I haven't heard from him in a really long time say a few months. We've been busy. I don't have a way to contact him so I just leave it up to him. I email once in a while letting him know that hes on my mind and what not. My phone rings and I answer and his melt my panties voice is on the other end and I ... react. Well I just react like I haven't heard fro him in a while and I'm excited and told him he made my day. He did. We talked for close to an hour. Much to talk about. Much to share. I told him not to be a stranger.


K is in The Penalty Box. Things are kind of awkward in a bearable way so hes in there. I'm not sure when Ill see him soon. I doubt it as new developments have moved into town and made its way into his home. So into TPB for K.


B and I had dinner and didn't set another date to meet but we talked about a few things that might be interesting. We shall see. Hes into something that I'm not but have thought of on occasion. Ive been honest with him and told him that it might take some time before I am fully into it and comfortable. So there's no rush to do anything and I'm OK with slow and steady.


D is usually done work around midnight. We were supposed to meet yesterday. He gave me a guarantee but it didn't happen. AR and I had dinner desert and drinks which was lots of fun. Nothing titillating to share there... yet. D and I could have met but I told him it was OK if we didn't though in the back of my mind I was looking forward to it.

We met for lunch today. There was no food involved. I picked him up, we found a nice secluded parking lot and had a quickie in the front seat. Passenger side of course. Not bad at all. I was kind of shy as it was bright out and in broad daylight. Kind of kinky and very rushed and by no means was the sex bad. It was just short and I always like to well... you know.. keep going.

So for tonight. D and I are hanging out for a few hours. I have no idea what we'll be doing. OH!... and I just wanted to make sure to point out that I would have been OK without the quickie. In fact it probably wouldn't have brought on an awkward moment afterwards. The moment lingers with me and I'm working on shaking it off... No I don't want to share.. yet. I'm not ready

But I digress.. tonight will be interesting I can predict some verbal out pour in the whatthehellkindofrelationshipisthis category and Ineedtounderstandandhearitfromyouagain section of weirdness ifonlytoremindmyselfwhatthisallis.

Because sometimes we all need a reminder.

I'm sure there will be some sort of sex tonight. If so that will be nice. If not then it will be good to just hang out and do what people do when they aren't sexing it up. You'd think all I did was have sex as I'm a bit nervous about tonight. Well, Ive been told no sex or alcohol tonight. The pressure is on.

Picture someone that's never been out in public. Someone socially inept. That's what I feel like. Wish me luck tonight. I know it cant be as bad as I think it will be. I mean its only a couple of hours.. without sex.. or drinks.. I'm sure there will be other things to do.

Am I glad I have a deck of cards :) Worse case scenario. I tell him I like him..again and ask him if he thinks I'm fat.

Have a great weekend!

268 - yesterday, today and tomorrow

Yesterday

Dropped my cell phone and it didn't want to turn on again for the rest of the day. Got a great deal for a new phone and I took it. I still have hope for my old phone.

Didn't get a call from friend who is in TPB. Was suppose to go out. Instead I stayed home, indulged in some fantastic movies of the adult kind. And by movies I mean about 45 minutes of one... during which I myself put on a fantastic epic performance of my own. To which promptly led me to a nap. Which brought on some kinky dreams of yours truly and some faceless men and quite possibly a woman on the sidelines though I woke up before ... so I have naught to report on that end ;)

Today

After a fantastic run and shower in the morning and being surprisingly awake seeing as I went to bed after midnight. Got to work and learned about a bonus coming to my bank account :) Was supposed to meet with D and that didn't happen.. again. No its not on purpose and no I don't mind THAT much. These things happen. I tell you I'm the best girl/friend to have. So understanding not to mention accommodating. Did some banking, celebrate another moment of triumph for being able to lower my cell phone bill AND get on a better plan than I currently have. Got free services extended for another couple of weeks and gave myself a pat on the back for doing all that with a female customer service rep.

Old phone turned on after trying it.. amazingly. Silly me turned it off and its in a deep sleep again. I'm not worried I still have my new phone :)

5 minutes ago.

Sent D a text message because I was full of happy thoughts and am in a fantastic mood. Just spent about 30 minutes on the phone w D and cant tell you details about what we talked about but it was just as good as a nap :) Refreshing and a definite energy boost.

Darling - :) I like u
D - Ah that was sweet

Which was promptly followed up by a phone call from D letting me know that he will call me later on as his phone is dying. As I'm smiling away and relishing the fact that I like just getting things out there sometimes and not worrying about the aftereffects/consequences of my statements or actions, I am thinking of cuddling with him

I'm stumbling. I know. Ill be OK. I have my eyes wide open and can see whats happening. I just hope Ive got some protective gear that are invisible to the eye. If not then I hope for a soft landing.

Later Today.

Dinner with AR, hopefully something naughty and titillating afterwards. THEN possibly seeing D for a few drinks. Yes same night. Yes D knows about AR. Have I not mentioned that I was honest about these things. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea or to imagine that I am leading someone on. Honesty and the best policy... unless...

Tomorrow.

Be happy its Friday though my days always have some form of work involved so Its not much of a weekend though I appreciate the decreased amount of work that I have for the following 2 days. There will be some daily flirting with the opposite sex and other items that fall under the category of life.

267 - iPod or not to iPod

My sister is thinking of getting an iPod. My brother has one, my aunt has one and now she out of many people that I know should have one. She goes through too many batteries with her MP3 player. To save the environment, she should get one. To save money, she should get one.


Shes still undecided on it and will wait which is fine. I think my brother and I will split the cost and get her one. The only thing is, when she gets hers. I will want one as well. I don't need one. Its one of those things that you feel you need to have but don't really need at all.

I don't need one. I don't think Ill get one. But I kind of do want one. Just like I kind of do want to get a facebook account. Like I kind of want to get a myspace account. There's a part of me that wants those things but the other part of me doesn't.


For various reasons of course some legitimate and others borderline strange. But they are my reasons. Maybe that will be another post.


So for now Ive asked my sister to be my DJ. Ive handed over my Mp3 player and asked her to fill it with music. It will be a surprise but I think.. I hope she knows what kind of music I like. Of course she does. I like the kind of music she listens to so I'm sure its going to be OK.

Shes had it for a few days now and I should get it tonight. Were getting together to do groceries together. We'll be able to re shelf items from each others carts that doesn't scream of health and wellness. That's what sisters do.

The new iPod Nano is out and its pretty cool. Id like a red one please. Then I looked at the other ones they have and the Classic iPod has 80 GB I don't know what that is/does but that's huge compared to the 4 or 8 GB in the new iPod nano. AND when you look at the price difference, its almost an easy jump to make. Darn my thought process and curses to my slow savings :)

It would be fun to have one of those sometime. It would also be fun to be able to use it and know what it all does. I'm not all that techy. I know enough to get around. If I don't know something I know where or who to go to to get the information.

I wonder what people put on the Ipods. Music, audio books, videos... but what kind other than the PG kind. I wonder if people put their porn on their iPods. You know a little stimulation while at work? or on the way home, while on the bus, in the library, during that conference call, that board meeting. I wonder... that's all.

So for those of you who do have one... what kind of videos do you have?

266 - * 's

I met with V at a bar. I had a glass of water instead of anything alcoholic. Why? I wasn't too nervous about meeting with him. Don't get me wrong there was a healthy does of nerves happening. But I was feeling good and very comfortable. Also I came from having a few glasses of very good wine at a get together with some friends.

We made introductions and started the nights conversation with ease which would surely lead to where it usually does. Sex. Not the act but the topic. * At this time. **Prior to that topic though I found out about little things that's easy to share when first meeting someone. The usual generic things. Nothing too personal, yet. Though I am curious as to many things already.

I don't recall all the details but it was a comfortable meet and greet. I didn't feel pressured to fill silences, later in the evening he mentioned that he was very attracted to me and that he would like to bring me back with him so we can end the night being intimate.

I smiled politely and told him flat out that wouldn't be happening. I also told him I'm not that kind of girl, but its nice to know he was attracted to me. I didn't hold it against him for being forward. Hes a man. I know hes thinking of sex and probably has been since we met at the door.

I didn't particularly dress myself to impress. Simple and comfortable. A beige skirt with a short sleeve blue tshirt. Nothing plunging or low cut. Flip flops on my feet and my hair down and around my shoulders.

I wondered why I didn't do my usual ritual of getting dolled up. I mean I didn't look bad last night at all. I still looked good. I just didn't feel WOW or feel like I provided the WOW for myself anyway. Or... am I just that sure of my natural beauty that dolling up is no longer needed? AHEM lol


So it was nice to be complimented on even without the ritual of getting ready. I went to meet V with no expectations. In the middle of it I shared something that I don't share with anyone. I'm not sure how it will turn out later on but see we shall.



* What does it mean when you know you are meeting someone and know that sex is on their mind. Particularly, sex with me. Even before you meet face to face. Or am I deluding myself and its all men that are always thinking of sex. Maybe not ever following through and pursuing it. But at some point thinking of it.


** What does it mean when I know this and am not bothered by it. I know and accept it and know that I am in control. I am the one that decides the when it will happen.

264 - long weekend

Things that happened this long weekend.

- watched a movie Ghostbusters 1 and 2
- gave The Big Dog bath
- Cleaned my apartment
- Blew a fuse in the living room and dining room
- plan on getting fuses
- Drove aunt to the hospital to visit my Grandmother. Grand kids are going tonight.
- was late for dinner to meet AR.
- missed AR by I am guessing 2.5 seconds and didn't have dinner with AR
- was mad at myself for being late but had to drive aunt to hospital. Last min planning.
- was annoyed that there was no voicemail to let them know I was running late, tried 3x
- was even more annoyed that after 15 min AR left. Heard from AR asking me what happened
- felt a bit sketchy about Dinner with AR, who leaves after 15 min?
- took much needed naps
- paid rent
- went to a club in Lulu lemon jogging pants. (caught off guard)
- still looked good.
- I was hit on by who I thought was a really good looking guy
- with very sexy hands
- while D was in sight of all the shenanigans
- D thought he was all over me
- we never broke the 6 inch rule
- shopping
- tested items for water resistance
- shopping
- planning on testing something to see if it is indeed ribbed for my pleasure
- shopping
- budget put on hold
- dinner with sister and brother
- napped
- K
- daydreamed
- manicure
- pedicure
- facial
- got my flirt on.
- had an unfortunate meeting with someone Id rather not ever see again
- still don't have fuses for living/dining room
- 15 amp fuses, why cant I remember them.
- I predict Ill still need fuses this coming weekend.
- someone drove onto the curb paying attention to me instead of the road
- D slipped and called me his girlfriend.
- I just smiled and didn't say anything
- really enjoyed not working... too much
- looking for someone to make out with
- wondering if someone would be interested in just making out without the sex.
- thinking of filling that position


:) Will post more about some of the above sometime. Some of you may want details.

262 - underneath the surface

Another long weekend coming up. I feel like booking off work at the last minute or well.. really giving them as much notice as possible so that I can just go somewhere. Even if its an hour away somewhere. LOL Pitch a tent and sleep. Hopefully without any wildlife wanting to be tamed by yours truly. What? Stranger things have happened.

I'm not working at all on Monday. At any of my jobs so that's good. I don't quite know what to do with myself. I think ill go get my car checked out however I know they are closed for the long weekend as well so that's out of the question.

Maybe I should take a drive down with my sister to go cross border shopping. Oh wait I will need some serious spending money and I'm on a save money stint at the moment. That idea just wont do specially if I have to take my car which is in need of some work to go.

This is life telling me that I need to do something. I might spend the weekend doing some self evaluation and some cleansing/cleaning and organizing of my mind , body and soul.

I need to reconnect to... something that I'm not entirely sure of but something needs to be done. I feel a little disconnected. To what I'm not so sure. I cant explain it. It feels a little scary not knowing exactly how I feel. What is happening and what will happen. Something in the pit of my stomach is prepared for something not so nice.

I wrote a post about feeling something really intense and just wanting to have sex. Which would be the one thing that would fix, satisfy and ease whatever it was that was bothering me at that time. Its not quite that intense now but there's something just underneath the surface of calm that lies waiting.

The friend who is currently in The Penalty box called me and apologized for not calling the day before. I said it was OK and she mentioned going to a place called Heaven. Shes been a bit down as she recently took a pay cut. A big pay cut and now is struggling to make ends meet.

I feel a bit bad for my reaction but not really. I would hope that she knows that she can talk to me about things. Oh well. I know she knows that and when shes ready she knows where she can find me.

Oh and T called me! I havent heard from him in so long and I was so very excited to hear his voice. Hes got that melt my panties voice thats very very arousing. WE talked for about 30 minutes and we caught up on what was happening though I talked more so I hope he calls again soon so I can hear what hes been up to.


So lets hope that this weekend finds me well. Have a super duper fun filled weekend! :)

It will be a new month when I post again. I see changes in my future. Send out good thoughts for my plans for the future! :)