318 - sinking in.. Florida

D and I talked before he left. I felt a little out of sorts talking about it as I wasn't sure what I could and couldn't talk to him about. In the end I let it all out and he was OK with it all. He understood. He felt bad that there were things that he couldn't help with but he would try to see what he could do.

I told him that it was good enough that he listened. That I wasn't sure who I could talk to about any of that seeing that it had to do with the both of us. I asked him silly things like if there was anything between us. If there was anything between us that would last. If in a few years we would be something more than what we are now.

I told him that I miss sleeping with someone. Not sex. Just someone to lie in bed with sometimes. I miss the closeness I guess, the intimacy with him. We have other moments together Its just not all the moments. I told him I knew that he wouldn't be able to. I told him I knew that it was important for him to be there when Little D gets up in the morning. I told him that it was part of the attraction for me that he had Little D and that I find him a fantastic Dad.

I told him that I knew he wouldn't be able to spend the night because of that and I understood. I just wanted to know if he thought about it... and in my mind I thought Id be pleased if the least he said was yes hes thought about it and if he was able to he would. Just hearing him say it would make me feel better.

My question to him was. If you could would you want to? I got from him, 'I completely understand where you're coming from and its not out there that you have been thinking about it. I knew this issue would come up sometime but I wasn't sure when. You don't know how much I want to and there will be times with this schedule that I will be able to stay until the wee hours of the morning. I will be leaving to be home for when Little D gets up. That's important to me too.'

Throughout the conversation I cried. I cried because it was nice to talk to him about it. It felt good. I cried because of his answers and how much I needed to hear him say things that I only thought of. I cried because I didn't have to hide it.

I asked him if thought I was totally out of line asking these questions and even if he thought they were he said 'no not at all. I'm glad you talk to me about these things it helps us work it out together and keeps it all on the table.'

We somehow went to talking about arrangements like these and I asked him if this is how it usually goes. He didn't know how to answer that and I asked him how what we have is different from the others that he has had. He told me that they don't usually last this long. That they usually don't understand that Little D is his #1 and that it doesn't usually last past a month or so.

He said he would understand if I didn't want to continue the arrangement that we have and if I wanted to just be friends then that's OK with him. He says that's not what he would do but he would understand. He said hes happy with how things are between us and he wants to make sure that I am OK and comfortable with it all. If not then we can just.. be friends.

He said that what we have is new to him too. Its nice to know that its uncharted territory for the both of us. In the end I admitted that the realization that there might not be a future between us was sinking in. I cried, he listened.

It wasn't the greatest conversation but it was one that felt liberating. I don't know how things will be when he gets back. I do miss him. I miss his voice. The phone calls to and from each other. I miss his body. I miss what he does to mine.

I'm cant make a commitment to someone that cant do the same for me. I do have feelings for him and I don't think that will change. I do need to continue on. Ill always be there for as long as he wants me in his life. Hell be in mine as long as he wants to. I don't see myself throwing a friendship away.

He sent a few text messages yesterday and that was nice. I told him to have fun and not to do anything I would do and his reply was really? I can do all that?

Cheeky huh? LOL

In continuing on. I will be going to Florida sometime in early February with M3 for a couple of days if our schedule works out. We will meet each other there.

Cheesecake with AR last night went really well. Hope to see more of each other in the near future.

Got a phone call from Brazil who was in New Brunswick visiting his parents. He was in Ottawa but didn't have my phone number so he wasn't able to find me. He doesn't know where I live either. It was nice to hear from him and to know that Ive been on his mind a lot. He is thinking of moving back but isn't sure of when.

Things are looking up. D will be back Monday. We'll see how things go.

240 - better

I don't know why I didn't just ask him. He did.

D - So do you miss me?
Darling - Well if I say yes too many times when you ask I might inflate your ego a bit.
D - laughs
Darling - This time? just a bit... :)

We've been on a bit of an off schedule you see. His schedule for work doesn't allow for repeated/consecutive midnight rendezvous or afternoon delights. Ive been spoiled and I'm feeling it. He feels it too and we've both mentioned how its affecting our sex lives.

The line when its good, its good. When its bad, its bad comes to mind. Unfortunately.

So he knows I miss him and does he mirror that at all? I don't know as I didn't ask. Silly me. I was shy about asking that and I was thinking that it sounded too much like ... something I don't want to describe.

So I leave it... until I send him a text 30 minutes later saying

Darling - I didn't hear if you said you missed me or not... :)
D - You didn't ask
Darling - OK smarty pants, consider this me asking... and??

10 minutes of no reply... like he does to me when I don't reply right away I send him a...

Darling - Wow not even a little bit? :)

45 minutes later.... 45 minutes of me thinking...

- hes so playing with me right now
- is he kidding me right now
- now is not the time to not have a fully charged cell phone
- did I send that to the right person?
- he must not know I hate waiting
- sigh

I'm thinking those thoughts and I'm not having a freak out girly moment. I'm just cool. Thinking but not over thinking. Smiling and laughing at myself really. I have to laugh, if I don't I might do something that would make this post not as much fun to read. I realize that he must have missed me to call and ask me that question. right? right? right?? yessssssssss

So my thoughts went this way...

- he must like me ... even a little
- SUCCESS!!!! (arms up and a big smile on my face)
- no one would ask that question if they thought the answer would be a no.
- no one likes to be told no :) So he knew it was a yes
- because no one likes to hear the word no and ask questions that gets a no :)
- yipee!!

about 15 -20 minutes later the sweet chime of my cell phone letting me know that I have a text reading...

D - of course I miss you
Darling - Its about time! You could give a girl a complex making a girl wait that long. But its nice to know... :)

Hes got plans for Saturday which I has my pinky toe crossed to see if he would ask me to join him. Not happening but that's OK. Ive got things to do that I need to catch up on so I'm glad that were not getting together on Saturday.

I asked him when we would see each other again as its been a while. Last Sunday morning... well its been since last Sunday since I have had... with him. And Tuesday since we've seen each other... for lunch.

He says he wants to try to get together for Sunday but cant promise anything. I'm not bummed or anything its nice to hear that he wants to. If we don't get together that's OK. I still know that he wants to and right now... that's whats important to me. Plus I get to take care of what I need to in other parts of my life :)

I'm such a girl.

Hes such a boy.

Its so good to be where I am at the moment :)

FIFA tonight I think its Brazil against USA. It should be a good game and I'm bringing my flirt on. As usual :) A CW of mine also wants to bar tend FIFA I forgot to call her. Ooops. I will try to hook her up with it. We shall see.

No plans for the weekend. Something might come up as it usually does. Maybe relax on a patio on a nice cool night after work. I plan on getting out of my shell a little bit and always working on becoming better...

207 - knows no geography

Darling 'I'm exhausted, its been a long day, how are you feeling?'

D ' Ive a pounding headache, took a Tylenol we'll see later how I feel'

Darling 'Are you still coming over?'

D 'I think you should go to bed and sleep. Ive got a headache and we'll both be rested for lunch tomorrow at your place'

Darling 'Are you saying no to sex?'

D 'No just changing the time it happens'

Darling 'Cheeky, but I like your idea.'

I crawl into bed with my tummy feeling a bit squeamish. Not sure what is happening to my body. Nothing happens. I think of what I had to eat that day and nothing out of the ordinary came to mind. Maybe it was just nerves? but about what? No idea.

I went back into bed and got cozy, drifted off to a sweet sleep and my phone rings. Private caller. Without thinking about it I flip the phone open and say hello.

G 'Hey how are you?'

Darling 'I'm doing well, thanks, how are you?'

G 'Doing well, I finally was able to call and I'm glad I got a hold of you;

Darling ' Who is this?'

G ' That's nice, you don't even remember me.'

Darling ' I'm sorry its about 1:00 in the morning here'

G 'Oh that's right I'm sorry, were you sleeping?'

Darling (thinking of what other things I would be doing if things were moved to lunch) 'Yes I was sleeping

G 'I'm sorry about waking you up, Ive been meaning to call and had the opportunity to do so and thought I would. Its been about a year since we last saw each other'

Darling 'OMG Brazil!! How Are youuuu?? It really has been a year. wow How is Brazil?

His name isn't Brazil. He just lives there now. He used to live in Ottawa and we were friends. Prior to him moving to Brazil he was starting to lean towards me in more than the friends area. Kind of a good thing that he moved but still a nice guy. This we talked about as well during the phone call and other things like the things we used to do together and to each other.

I'm still exhausted and kind of want to go back to sleep but its G from Brazil and I haven't seen him on about a year, so we continue and catch up and soon it turns to what I thought it would.

G 'So do you remember the last few times we got together? I still think about it and I get really turned on.'

Darling 'They were a lot of fun weren't they?'

G 'You don't understand how much I think about it and to think just as things were going so well and then I went and had to leave. I think about how things could have been if I stayed.
Darling '...I'm sure we would have had more fun...

He goes on down memory lane with some of the things we did enjoy together and I smile a the memories. They were pretty great. At this point I'm still exhausted but its good to catch up. He tries to have phone sex. Giving me visuals of what he would want to do to me, just how he knows my body reacts.

He talks about coming to visit me here or having me visit him there. He continues to talk about visiting me and how he might not want to return. That last bit was his little head talking :)

The suggestions he makes are things that I really do enjoy and somehow there is this one thing that hes done that totally does it for me and hes the only one that ever done that to me. (hoping that ill be able to experience it again)

So one thing leads to another and I have to look back on it now and wonder... long distance phone sex? What would make someone want to call overseas to a past lover... bring up experiences and expound on the possibilities of 'what ifs

This tells me one thing at least... libidos knows no geography :) Well that... and when something is worth remembering... its nice to see what people recall...