318 - sinking in.. Florida

D and I talked before he left. I felt a little out of sorts talking about it as I wasn't sure what I could and couldn't talk to him about. In the end I let it all out and he was OK with it all. He understood. He felt bad that there were things that he couldn't help with but he would try to see what he could do.

I told him that it was good enough that he listened. That I wasn't sure who I could talk to about any of that seeing that it had to do with the both of us. I asked him silly things like if there was anything between us. If there was anything between us that would last. If in a few years we would be something more than what we are now.

I told him that I miss sleeping with someone. Not sex. Just someone to lie in bed with sometimes. I miss the closeness I guess, the intimacy with him. We have other moments together Its just not all the moments. I told him I knew that he wouldn't be able to. I told him I knew that it was important for him to be there when Little D gets up in the morning. I told him that it was part of the attraction for me that he had Little D and that I find him a fantastic Dad.

I told him that I knew he wouldn't be able to spend the night because of that and I understood. I just wanted to know if he thought about it... and in my mind I thought Id be pleased if the least he said was yes hes thought about it and if he was able to he would. Just hearing him say it would make me feel better.

My question to him was. If you could would you want to? I got from him, 'I completely understand where you're coming from and its not out there that you have been thinking about it. I knew this issue would come up sometime but I wasn't sure when. You don't know how much I want to and there will be times with this schedule that I will be able to stay until the wee hours of the morning. I will be leaving to be home for when Little D gets up. That's important to me too.'

Throughout the conversation I cried. I cried because it was nice to talk to him about it. It felt good. I cried because of his answers and how much I needed to hear him say things that I only thought of. I cried because I didn't have to hide it.

I asked him if thought I was totally out of line asking these questions and even if he thought they were he said 'no not at all. I'm glad you talk to me about these things it helps us work it out together and keeps it all on the table.'

We somehow went to talking about arrangements like these and I asked him if this is how it usually goes. He didn't know how to answer that and I asked him how what we have is different from the others that he has had. He told me that they don't usually last this long. That they usually don't understand that Little D is his #1 and that it doesn't usually last past a month or so.

He said he would understand if I didn't want to continue the arrangement that we have and if I wanted to just be friends then that's OK with him. He says that's not what he would do but he would understand. He said hes happy with how things are between us and he wants to make sure that I am OK and comfortable with it all. If not then we can just.. be friends.

He said that what we have is new to him too. Its nice to know that its uncharted territory for the both of us. In the end I admitted that the realization that there might not be a future between us was sinking in. I cried, he listened.

It wasn't the greatest conversation but it was one that felt liberating. I don't know how things will be when he gets back. I do miss him. I miss his voice. The phone calls to and from each other. I miss his body. I miss what he does to mine.

I'm cant make a commitment to someone that cant do the same for me. I do have feelings for him and I don't think that will change. I do need to continue on. Ill always be there for as long as he wants me in his life. Hell be in mine as long as he wants to. I don't see myself throwing a friendship away.

He sent a few text messages yesterday and that was nice. I told him to have fun and not to do anything I would do and his reply was really? I can do all that?

Cheeky huh? LOL

In continuing on. I will be going to Florida sometime in early February with M3 for a couple of days if our schedule works out. We will meet each other there.

Cheesecake with AR last night went really well. Hope to see more of each other in the near future.

Got a phone call from Brazil who was in New Brunswick visiting his parents. He was in Ottawa but didn't have my phone number so he wasn't able to find me. He doesn't know where I live either. It was nice to hear from him and to know that Ive been on his mind a lot. He is thinking of moving back but isn't sure of when.

Things are looking up. D will be back Monday. We'll see how things go.

306 - calling

Darling - OK Im bringing it up. This thing that were doing. When I start working with you.. What will happen between us and our situation?

D - That's up to you.

I wonder how its up to me because hes the one that told me that he doesn't mix his work life with his sex life. That he doesn't date co-workers.. and that's exactly what I will be in the hopefully early new year. A co-worker that is.

Darling - That's the thing though how can it be up to me when you're the one who said that you don't do that. I mean don't you think that would be weird?

D - Well that's what you said. That it would be weird.

Darling - Not for the same reasons as you're thinking. I just think it would be weird to all of a sudden stop. If I was already working there and we met there then it wouldn't happen. But since we met prior to me starting there. Don't you think it would be weird to just turn it off, cut it off cold turkey, that's it that's all you've had your fun move on to the next one?

D - I'm OK with it if we continue on.

This confuses me as now hes going back on what he said before? That or hes realizing what it is he'll be giving up? Or have I just not been paying attention and we've both been thinking the same of the other. That the other person wanted to end the arrangement after I start there. Deep down I think that's what this is. A matter of both of us not wanting it to end and thinking that the other person did.

Darling - OK, so... we'll just continue on and keep it going.

D- We'll continue on.

This isn't the end of that conversation. Ill have to ask him a few other things just because I'm too nosy to keep it to myself. Right now I cant really recall what else I wanted to bring up :) Silly me.

Before we had that conversation hes mentioned things like when I start working there Ill have a lot of men asking me out. It wont just be the guys I work with he says, it will also be clients. Ill have my pick of whoever I want. Upon hearing that I would make glib comments and change the topic to something similar.

I cant decide if its because he wants me to start looking for someone new. Or if he wants to see what my reaction will be and if I bite on the idea of having men thrown themselves at me. Highly unlikely for those of you who are wondering. For men to be throwing themselves at me that is.

Hes reacted on a few occasions when Ive mentioned people I have to go see or have dinners with. I mentioned going to Toronto to visit a friend of mine sometime and Ive mentioned meeting a friend who lives in Chicago and this guy and that guy. Never mentioning what kind of relationship it is. Just that they are friends. Most times I wont even say whether its a guy or not just a general friend. Could be female.

So his reactions have been interesting, like. Who are you going to visit this time? Or who is coming to visit you? There's been mention of dates Ive gone on with that hmmm knowing tone that someone uses when they don't really know. Cute really.

There's nothing wrong with his reactions. Its human to react. Maybe its a good thing that hes reacting otherwise the alternative would be no reaction and that he doesn't care? :) AHA!

D is working extra hours as hes trying to get his trip to be completely paid off. Hes planning on going to Florida in January sometime. No he hasn't asked me if I would like to go with him. Hes going with a couple of guys that he works with and I know that hell have his hands full. I'm not worried about the normal things. I'm just worried that I wont have my daily fix of D.

As much as I think about going with them I know Ill be in the midst of hopefully... training for the job. That or my life. It should be good.

Another thought I had was this trip to San Diego and how Ill be able to keep in touch with D. I feel like a geek thinking about that but I will miss talking to him. One of two things will happen. Distance makes the heart grow fonder or distance will make the heart go wander.

I'm hoping for fonder but we shall see. I might be able to count on one hand the days in which we didn't speak for the whole day. By no means were the days consecutive. My vacation is putting me in a spot where its making me think like a girl.

Must stop that. Ill still have a cell phone with me so I wont be completely cut off. You never know who will be calling.

304 - my mistake

I was talking to my sister yesterday and I mentioned one of my ex's, MDR. He lives in San Jose. We were together for a little over 3 years. I haven't talked to him in longer than that. He said it just hurt too much to continue anything.

Heading back to California made me think of him and I had a thought to call him up. Then I thought OK call and say what exactly? After 'hello' of course.

I wouldn't be uncomfortable. I'm just thinking that he might find it strange and there's nothing worse than knowing I make someone else uncomfortable. The exception of course is when its the sexual kind of discomfort that is followed up by good sexual tension which leads to well. you get the idea.

At the moment I'm not planning on getting in touch with him as I don't even know if I have the number around. Much less remember it I know the area code is 408... and I'm not even 100% sure of that.

I guess I'm just curious about a lot of things.

So a little bit of a panic to be thrown into todays post. I called the passport office to inquire about the status of my application. It was supposed to be mailed out for delivery on Dec 11th. I am hopeful that I will get the passport prior to leaving as it is essential that I have it otherwise I wont be able to fly due to the new rules to fly into and through the US.

It has yet to be printed as far as D knows. This is what they told him about his passport. He went a week ahead of me which doesn't bode well for me. His is already 5 days late in being sent out and I hope... that's all I can do is hope.

I know its my own fault that this is happening. I really wasn't planning a trip at this time and it only came about after I sent my application in. I know that it might all work out and I will just be worried about nothing... though it could be something huge as I wont be able to

A- Enjoy the take off and landing
B- Fly with my sister
C- See my Dad
D- Get away from the cold winter
E- Meet new people.
F- Just get away from 'my so called life'
G- Have a possible make out session at my layover in Chicago. With J
I - Have my imagination run away with total strangers at the airport
J- Leave it all behind
K- See my Dad
L- Be a part of the scenic view at the nude beach
M- get my money back for the flight
O- Do any type of shopping

There are more things that I will miss but I didn't want to think of the rest as that would just be helping me down the rabbit hole.

I'm debating now whether to even pack. I eventually will... just in case. There's no point in beating myself up now if I don't know what will happen so Ill just prepare. Either way I will make a trip to the airport Either I'm flying out or Ill be driving my sister so she can fly out.

Expect the worse hope for the best?

Cross your fingers!

270 - as of late

Friday.

Date night.. technically not a date. I just call it a date. Not to his face but here :) In the privacy of my little corner of cyberspace. With you because I know you wont go running to anyone that I know.

Started of well. Looked extra fantastic. Ill leave it to your imagination as to what I was wearing underneath my clothes. Looked good, smelled great, felt superb.

Met with D and we ordered and talked and laughed and teased.

Then I see a number on my cell phone that I dont recognize. I pick up thinking should I? Soemthing tells me yes. I do. Its my Aunt. Shes called to tell me that the procedure my Gramma got done (hysterectomy) went well. Though during the procedure she had a heart attack and was rushed to the Heart Institure in Ottawa. I got the relevant information.

Eyes got teary when D asked me if I was ok. I told him what happened and he gave me a hug. I wont go into how much I needed one.

I left, got lost and eventually found myself calling my sister telling her what happened. I went to pick her up and we both went on a journey to find parking.

Shes ok. Looks good. They inserted a stunt/stint? which took care of the clots and the clogged area. D's Dad was at the Heart Institute when he had a heart attack and he was telling me it was the ebst place to be for that.


Left Gramma to sleep and drove everyone home. Walked The Big Dog and finally went to bed at 2am.

Saturday.


Slept in. Thankfully. Made breakfast. Looked at myself in the mirror while questioning my life due to recent events to someone elses life. It feels a bit surreal. Someone I know and am related to is in the hospital... again.


I dont do well with sickness and things like this. My Aunt was diagnosed with Cancer and I felt awkward about it. Nothing to do with them. Its me.


My thoughts are not right. My thoughts go to mind over matter. Or is that called avoidance, ignorance, escapism? Just convince your body its not riddled with cancer cells. Youll be fine. Tell your heart to clean itself out. Breathe in the good clean air, acclimatize yourself to allergens so you wont react. Is ignorance really bliss? Sometimes.

If anything ever happens to me that I cant control. What will I do then? I dont want to think about it.

D brought up having a will. How morbid. Though I should have one. I think Ill make it a group activity. Bring everyone together and give them packages so we can get it all done at the same time so we know that weve done it and nothing is left to ... after... should it...

Was on the phone on and off with D. He was at work and invited me to visit him as he was bored. I thought that was sweet. I didnt as I was heading to another visit and then off to my own work.

Was really tired after work. Drained. I havent felt that way in a long time. Body felt tight and it felt like I havent been horizontal in weeks. I decided to just lay down for a few minutes and my body sighed in relief when I did.

I took a nap and was up and ready to go meet with D. I know. we were going out again. More food and drink. Must do more situps. We bumped into one of his friends and I wasnt introduced. I didnt know how to react so I was just there. Wondering if I was going to be introduced. It was funny as as Im getting out of the car that night I was thinking of what would happen if we bumped into one of his friends and what would happen. Well now I know.

It bothered me for all of 5 minutes and then I didnt think about it again. Until now. But it doesnt bother me. Its just one of those things I can shake my head at.

Drinks were really good. Mango Cremesicle Martinis. At the price they were asking it was worth it. Though On occasion not always as that would put a dent in my savings

Sunday.

Stayed home, relaxed in the morning. Went with my sister to visit my Gramma. Left for an early dinner and then ended up late for work. Thats ok. I still got everything done and managed to leave early.

Talked to D throughout the night and fell asleep after my bath.

248 - foul mood

Calling myself all sorts of stupid and anything idiotic today. Ive put myself in a foul mood. Foul Mood. FOUL MOOD.

The only way Ill feel better is to spend a whole lot of money to make it right. To make me feel better and to continue the life that I lead... normally. or as close to normal as I can manage.

Did I...

Option A - Get preggers. EEK!

Option B - Get arrested for indecent exposure. OK maybe not quite arrested... more like a slap on the bum for being so.. cheeky HA!

Option C - Drop my phone in the pool. Resuscitation was futile. There is no life in this phone.

So yeah I'm in a foul mood. Even morning sex couldn't take the cloud of frustration away. I'm sad, having all sorts of moments of self depreciation over a phone. Somethings wrong with me. Its my addiction other than doing the mambo horizontally.

I just want to crawl under the covers and sleep... in hopes of waking up beside a brand spanking new or same (but working) cell phone. If only it were that easy right?

Ill be heading to the cell phone place where I got it. Ive only had it since May 26th 2007. I'm hoping that Ill be able to get it sent out to be... blow dried? I mean what else can they do with it? I'm not sure what they can do or if it is even possible to be repaired... from water damage.

Well I guess this is the first CDA that Ive given it away in the same post what the answer was. I'm just too distraught. Overly. So much that I'm even considering asking for a hug. (sigh) Any takers? A nice solid hug, with arms that are strong, comforting and comfortable. I like hugs. By the by, I also wanted to make sure it was clear what my adventure was and that there are no big takers on Options A and B.

I need a hug. I'm tired and feel sappy.

Waking up at 430am for morning sex doesn't agree with me.. anymore. I'm not used to it since Ds schedule changed and were having less sex than before. I just want to go back to bed after work... Am I that lucky??

Nooooo... Today I have to meet... (draws a blank... doesn't want to confuse with tomorrows date...) Oh yes. I have a date with (thinks again to confirm if I'm thinking of the right person..)

Oh yes the date tonight is with B2 or is it B3? B2 I believe. Different names... it just happens to start with the same letter... Giving them numbers would just seem... wrong in a certain camp kind of way. (That's it for the negative connotation in this paragraph)

B2, coffee tonight. J, coffee tomorrow night. Incidentally, they are both at the same location. I'm not sure if that's the smartest thing for me to have done. Make it at the same place. I was thinking of going to a watering hole down the way but Ive already exhausted that location and I'm sure the waitresses think I must be the most popular thing since sliced bread. So I decided to give that place a break. Its one thing to go to the same place with the same people but if you go with different people all the time... well... you know.. Don't want anyone to get the wrong impression :)

I'm just a girl with a sometimes overbooked schedule.

OK so I had some spaghetti and I feel much better. Yes I made it. Not from scratch but it was still very good and Ive been told it tastes like it was made from scratch :) Made with love.. (awww)

Ive been told to let the phone dry out totally and bring it in to get replaced or repaired. I hope they can do that. Its been less than a year so its still under warranty. Lets hope shall we? I'm hoping it miraculously repairs itself and magically removes all charges for the rest of my life from its database LOL I know. I just want it to be OK and if its that bad then to get a new phone.

Ill be in withdrawals. I'm scared to find out how I will be without it. On my person everyday 24 hours, 7 days a week.

Don't worry... I have a backup :) When a girl knows her weakness.. she always makes sure theres a backup (wink)

Hope you all had a great weekend. Will catch up more later...

231 - opting out

Trying something different, makes for being frustrated. I was given the choice of sex or food for lunch. I chose food but that was my second choice as my first choice was both. Not enough time I was told to be able to have both. I think he was just trying to hold out the cake and not let me eat it.

I don't know if its because I don't spend more time with him in the non sex related way but its always new for me when I go out somewhere. There's is always a small thought of 'oh, I do like how he looks'.. which is followed by... 'Id like to be having sex right now'... to 'have to log in some fully clothed quality time together' That last one made me giggle.

Its different seeing him in clothes. I'm used to be able to touch his body and the table between us hinders that. Well, that and the fact that were in public and maybe its a good thing that the table is there. Though I had images of how else we could make use of it.

It was nice, lunch was. We talked a bit and had a few moments of silence which I was OK with. I'm thinking about why we weren't having sex...

A- He was looking out for me and didn't want me to get back too late.
B- He doesn't want it to be all about sex
C- Hes playing hard to get... naked
D- All of the above

I would have preferred to have sex for lunch and have something to go. Its healthy and a good work out. Sex is. Not to mention oh so satisfying.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

After J1, I went straight to J2 where it was quiet. I wanted to work on a couple of posts but didn't end up coming close to it. My mind wasn't interested. Kind of drawing a blank and feeling a little bit boring lately.

I felt a little antsy and wanted to go out after work for a couple of drinks. I make a few phone calls, send a couple of texts and voila! Company for drinks. Nothing too far away and nothing fancy.

I meet him for 9ish and we talk about his latest love interest, actually its the same love interest that hes had for years now and have left numerous hints to which she doesn't acknowledge. Shes a user. I tell him that and he knows it, but continues to do so. Ive tried to give him advice but told him not to follow it as I have no expertise on relationships... OR women even as I am one. I'm different and don't operate the same way.

I had a few drinks and we had a couple of appetizers so it wouldn't hit as hard. It worked. I get a couple of texts from D

D - r u drinking?
Darling - yes
D - play safe
Darling - always safe, girl scouts rule.

I was never a girl scout. But I was in ballet? No matter. Always safe. Darlings Rule then. D planned on coming over after work. Always looking forward to him coming over. Lunch was sexually unsatisfying you recall. Though it fed the ever growing libido of mine.

We had planned to meet after he was finished work. I was tired, but not too tired. At about 12:30am he calls with good news, bad news.

I told him to give me the good news first. I already knew he wasn't coming over.

Good news. Hes going to owe me huge and that he will make it up to me in a big way.
Bad news. Hes not coming over.

I asked if everything was OK as 5 minutes before we were getting worked up to see each other. He told me what came up and I told him that was OK and he should take care of it. He told me I was great. He was upset about the reason that he wasn't coming over and I would have been too if I was in his shoes. I let him rant and rave and I enjoyed it. I hope I helped calm him down a bit. Not that he was all worked up like others might be... I just wanted to be useful.

We were supposed to do lunch today but I'm not sure if it will happen.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

T called me from Chicago. Haven't heard from him in a while. I wasn't able to talk with him long as I was swamped so I hope he calls me later on so we can catch up. We've both been busy so I'm sure we'll have lots to catch up on.

Haven't made contact with K in over a week. I wonder if he still remembers me. I'm sure he does.

M hasn't contacted me in regards to the room service bill. Oh well. Soup is thinning? I don't mind at all. I need a break from most of them. If they are a part of it when I'm hungry again then great if not then Ill get new men I mean ingredients.

My plan for today?
Nap/lunch from 11:30-12:30 pm
then I have training from 1-4pm
Done J1 at 4:30pm
Start J2 at about 4:35-9pm
Home and other recreational activities.

226 - no explanations

I need a new job.

190 - foiled!!

My sister and I went to see the movie 'Vacancy' last night. A thriller. I should have learned that I shouldn't watch them as they freak me out. Nope, lesson not learned. I must have a sadistic streak or it is masochistic? HA! We watched it and it wasn't really bad. Kind of cheesy but still did its job in messing with my head afterwards. I think its because it was believable and I'm sure there must be sickos out there that do something like it or something similar to the yuck that was part of the movie.

After the movie we didn't do anything, I dropped her off and made sure she made it inside. It was looking a bit dark and I was worried. Why wouldn't anyone have one light on? Here begins my mental paranoia for the night. When I am at the lights about a couple of blocks away my phone rings. Its my sister. I think 'OMG she needs help!'... why did I let her go there knowing there was no lights on.

Its her telling me that I drove off with her wallet. She put it in my purse during the movie. Big sigh of relief. I drove back to meet her and we talked a bit and we laughed at my paranoia. She told me to carry the hammer in the parking garage. Like I wasn't thinking that already?!?! HA

So I drive home and call a friend of mine to wax how silly I was and that I really am not cut out to watch horror/thriller/scary movies. My friend makes me laugh and pokes fun at me a little bit which is expected. I feel a little better but I still have to face the dark scary parking garage that is full of creepy corners that could possibly house a menacing and evil man just waiting for a young unsuspecting (but I am suspecting) innocent like me.

I make it to the building safely, after the hurried clicking of my heels, purse over one shoulder, hammer in one hand and keys ready to scratch out eyeballs in the other. (I have yet to hang anything up on my walls and my sister is lending me the hammer, which is how I have a hammer in the car) Just give me a reason to know what it sounds like when hammer meets skull. (Sometimes I'm so full of it.. bravado that is)

Up in the safety of my apartment I kick myself again as I now have to take the dogs out for a walk. Outside. In the dark. I debate whether or not I need to take them out. No, I don't have t but I want to as its only fair and right as a dog owner. So I strap them on their leash and off we go. Phone on the ready. I program 911 on my phone so I don't waste time dialing and can do so in the confines of my pocket should I stumble across unknown assailants during the walk.

Gosh it was dark outside. I think Ill be suggesting more lights or brighter lights for around the building and maybe where I take the dogs out. I know, wishful thinking. So my compromise was to take them out and suck it up, stay in the light but it wont be the normal walk time that they get. Sorry dogs. Ill make it up to you later on.

K calls me as I am on my way in and I tell him about my night and he laughs. Im glad he called. I was going to call him in the next day or two. His fiancee was in town for the weekend. He told me what they were up to and as for the feelings of me falling for him. No, it wasnt there, I think hes slipped into a whole new category (TBD) I wasnt feeling awkward about it all and didnt mind talking about it. Were still planning on getting together at some point. Shes gone until Friday then shes in for about a week. So about 2 weeks or so until we get together. Now Im not planning on getting in the middle of what they have. Hes not planning on changing his situation. But like normal people you can have feelings for other people at the same time. It doesnt take away from what he feels for her. Anyway. This might get a bit deep and much. Ill save that for another post.

Back upstairs, doors and windows locked (I'm on the 12th floor) as I cant be too careful right? I get in touch with D who is planning on coming over after hes done work. OK, prepare things for the next day and jump in the shower. D calls in the middle of it and he says hell call back in about 10 minutes. My phone doesn't ring at all, not a beep. I set the stage, candles, nightie, bottles of water. Still no call. He said he'd call so the phone will ring. I decide to lie down and end up falling asleep/ taking a nap. I'm not worried my phone ringing will wake me up.

It doesn't wake me up. I open my eyes and see the candles flickering. Take a mental inspection of my body. Nope have not had sex. I get out of bed and grab my phone. Nothing. No missed calls. Checked recieved calls, nothing since the shower call. Nothing. Hmm Check time. 1:30am. Is he OK? Accident? Chickened out? Not in the mood for sex? What?

I call his cell and get his voicemail and for some reason didn't leave a message. I didn't know what to leave so I hung up. Call me weird OK??! I didn't know. Ill find out what happened.

Turns out he did try to call me for a full hour, every 10 minutes and did leave a message for me. My phone didn't register anyone calling me, no voicemail, no missed calls. In the morning a mocking message on the screen. New voicemail. D asking me whats going on, asking me to call him when I get the message and wondering jokingly if I called someone else...

So I ended up blowing the candles out and leave the nightie on as its good to change things up once in a while. Oh and I locked the apt door. I was planning on telling him to walk right in...

We've made plans for lunch today. Hes coming by to pick me up. Ill never hear the end of it as the guys here at work will tease me about the 'new beau'. We shall see.

I hope tonight turns out differently. Just watch though Ive got a feeling that the Powers That Be might have something else up their sleeves for me tonight or the stars might just be a bit skewed to allow for midnight rendezvous to happen. Cant a girl just have sex?!

177 - My Weekend

Updated 041707 2:48pm

Friday night was interesting. I for some reason managed to have double booked myself with 2 men. I also am on stand by to go into work until 9pm-ish. One man coming in from out of town at about midnight and the other about 20 minutes away.

Friday at the end of my day I wait and see if I am needed to go into work to cover for one of the girls. If I have to work I have a window of 2 hours with K if I don't have to work I can do dinner or other things. Until D comes into town at about midnight.

So I have my fingers crossed that I don't have to work so I don't rush through the time with K to meet with D. I know never double book yourself. . Oops!! I know.

So I learn that I don't need to work and do my little happy dance.

I get home and rush to walk the dogs but not compromising on the time with them. I call K to find out that um I must have had the dates mixed up. Were to meet on Sunday instead. How dumb am I? Well It all worked out OK I don't have to rush and I don't have to go through any awkward excuses to cut the night early.

So I putter around my apt and talk to JB on the phone for a while and he has plans for a Stag night with the boys and I tell him not to drunk dial my number as I know he will. (Read on to find out)

I put on a DVD and walk around unconsciously and looked through my closet for something to wear for midnight and while I was there tried on a few summer dresses and looked forward to wearing them once the weather gets better.

At about 12:30am my phone rings and I pick up the phone noticing that I have 2 missed texts. They are from D and I pick up the call and he teases me about me having been sleeping. I tell him that I'm tired and he apologizes and asks if I still want him to come over. I say yes. I'm in the waking mode.

Hes over and we cuddle on the couch, cuddling leads to kissing and kissing leads to....

After he leaves and goes off. I'm no longer feeling tired and sleepy. I see I have a text mssg on my phone and read the message. Seems K is thinking of me, sent time 1130pm. I ring him back and he answers.

I know nothing will happen, I know there isn't a future. I just... like him enough to have him around even if its as a friend. More than that? Who knows. I cant answer that yet.

So we end up talking again.. for a few hours. This time we don't quite meet the sun as we wish each other sweet dreams. Hes decided against trying out for something that hes looked forward to for a while and I feel little guilty that I was the one that was party to his decision and ability to perform.

We talked about a lot of things again and it was allover the map. Very open and interesting and plans were made to meet Sunday night.

After hanging up with K, JB rings my phone and I smile as I know hes drunk and about to do something sill. I have no idea. Just a hunch. Hes loud and proud and hes inviting me over to his place. I tell him I'm in bed naked already and don't want to. He asks me for directions to my place so he can come over. Hes planning on driving and I tell him no way not with what hes got in his system. He gets kind of pouty and whiny and tries again to get me to come over. I decline and talk him out of snowboarding off of his roof and onto the flat bed of his truck. Im a saint I know.

I tell him to call me in the morning and not to tell me hes in a body cast.

Saturday morning I was expecting to sleep in, I woke up a bit later but not by much. I smile at the memory of the previous night. I am supposed to go meet B and find Ive missed his call. I call to apologize that I am going to be unable to meet with him for brunch. He is understanding and we make tentative plans to make some plans late in the week.

I'm a bit peeved because its frustrating to know Ill be tired later in the day. I debate my plans for the day and just do a few things around the apt. I walked the dogs more and longer than they are used to and take cat naps throughout the day.

I get a phone call from a concerned friend, I am fine. just living life. I do so appreciate the concern. I'm glad someone out there is :)

I get a phone call from my sister asking me if I want to go shopping with her and I decline telling her why and she asked if I started a phone biz. I laughed and told her where to go and told her wed get together Monday night.

Work in the evening and when I got home I called K. Talked for a few minutes and needed sleep so I begged off and told him that he should get some rest as well.

Sunday was interesting. Woke up to a revved up libido that wouldn't listen to reason and I had to take care of, a few times. Feeling a bit tired? Play with yourself. Quick energy boost there I tell you. I wont even go into how many times and places and toys. Just know that I thoroughly enjoyed myself and am fully capable of entertaining myself sans audience. Though its always nice to have audience participation.

In the evening, I spend time between people on the phone as I run errands and as well while I'm out with the dogs. Always the multi tasker you see.

I go from K to D to JB and B also ends up phoning. D will be watching the hockey game at a bar with a friend of his. He asks me if I want to join him and I tell him Ive got plans. He teases me about going on a date and I blush and don't know quite how to respond and make light of it and it turns out that there is nothing there between us except whats in between the sheets... for now.

So I don't tell him that I'm supposed to meet with K. Though I feel a bit guilty. I ponder whether omission of the truth is a lie... then shake that thought off for another day.

(sigh) K is asking for another rain check, via text. Ill call him when I'm good and ready...I'm a bit miffed. I love getting ready to meet people. Love the anticipation, the rising dare I say desire for what may come. I look down at myself and think, don't let it go to waste.

I'm already on a high and my libido has been looking forward to some audience participation and now its not letting me get off so easily (pun intended)

When I get home, earlier than usual, to make sure that I gave myself time to relax and prepare for the now non arriving K. I do my thing and ring K. As soon as he picks up and after he says hello, I tell him he could possibly give a girl a complex with all the rain checks. I tell him that I'm really nervous and though its not the plan for the evening I tell him what I am wearing or not wearing for that matter and tell him how I enjoyed the process of preparing to meet with him.

He called me evil. I told him sharing is caring. He apologized and I said that's OK. I shouldn't look forward to things too much. Its a bigger disappointment when things don't go as planned. I wasn't trying to rub it in. I was just talking out loud and being honest. Lesson learned. Its very nice to have someone to talk to though I think at some point it might wane. Who knows.

I get a phone call from JB and hes watching the hockey game and we flirt, I tease him about calling me as a booty call. He asks me to go to his place to watch the game and I get nervous and decline. I'm too honest sometimes and I mention that I cant be out in public with men around as I might jump their bones and take advantage. Not exactly those words but something along. He laughs and tells me its OK he can help and we could go upstairs. The conversation is now heading downhill and I know I will never be able to look him in the eye. It goes south fast.

Throughout the night we phone each other trying to get the other to come over. I'm already naked I tell him and seeing as hes dressed he should be the one to come over.

He phones sometime later after pondering my invitation which I have no idea if I will follow through on as its something of a strange situation. Hes a client from work for goodness sakes!! I haven't thought about things through as you can see. So were talking about more private, more personal things and I'm not sure why I am even entertaining the thought of it but really my body is a traitor and I'm super curious about him and how he is in bed. OK there Ive said it. I wanted to have sex with him. Consequences to be thought of later.

The strangest conversation ever. He calls. I am breathless from just finishing a major round of self exploration. He asked what I was just doing and well I tell him. Hes in awe and really cant believe that I wouldn't let him be a part of it. We've been shooting each other down all night as we want the other to come over. The conversation is going too fast for either of us to figure out what to do and that's mainly my fault as I keep jumping from subject to subject.

Hes absolutely shocked that I would prefer to take care of myself than have someone come over and 'help' I told him there is nothing wrong with what I just did and in fact I enjoy it. Often... I didn't tell him the often part. Though really TMI has gone right out the window with this one.

So in the end. Late in the morning, as we laugh at each others attempt to get the other over. Its not awkward at that time though I know ill feel it the next day.

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Boy did I ever.. feel awkward that is. Its not often I throw myself at someones feet for the sole purpose of satisfying an urge. OMG that's such a lie. Well not in its entirety. I mean I do have friends I can count on to be willing to do so. OK this is not making me look good. SO!... I called him on Monday morning during the power outage here and I apologized and made nice and possibly now stand on the pillar of shame. (for a few moments)

Monday night involved no men. Just my sister and I who went on a self defence class. Very neat and fun. Will be going once a month I believe.Next month on the agenda for that class? Take downs :) Bring it!

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Its now Tuesday and this has become a long post.

But I saved the best for last :)

Other than having lunch with D this afternoon...

Tonight I get to meet with M. To cross some things off of my list of things to do. Hes only here for a few hours and we fully intend to make use of that time.

D might make an appearance in the wee hours of the morning but that's to be decided...

Consequently... D didn't show up for lunch. Bugger. I hope everything is ok and he didn't get hit by a bus. Thank goodness I don't leave food to the hands of men. I had a grilled chicken salad and I made sweet erotic noises over a scone that I will tell you more about later on.

** Enter JB into the day who wants to meet face to face. Sometime tonight I think. I am reaching a new level of....

arg

Wrote a post about my weekend and then the power went out. Didn't save a word. I hate rewriting posts. It never turns out as good as the first time it was written.

More to come... might take a while as I'm praying for the power to cut out again so I can make plans for an early night of... whatever my mind comes up with. :)

Hope every ones weekend went well. and... OMG we've got snow! I woke up to Jingle Bell Rock on the radio... Hate that theres more than 6 inches out there but love the wake up song.