304 - my mistake

I was talking to my sister yesterday and I mentioned one of my ex's, MDR. He lives in San Jose. We were together for a little over 3 years. I haven't talked to him in longer than that. He said it just hurt too much to continue anything.

Heading back to California made me think of him and I had a thought to call him up. Then I thought OK call and say what exactly? After 'hello' of course.

I wouldn't be uncomfortable. I'm just thinking that he might find it strange and there's nothing worse than knowing I make someone else uncomfortable. The exception of course is when its the sexual kind of discomfort that is followed up by good sexual tension which leads to well. you get the idea.

At the moment I'm not planning on getting in touch with him as I don't even know if I have the number around. Much less remember it I know the area code is 408... and I'm not even 100% sure of that.

I guess I'm just curious about a lot of things.

So a little bit of a panic to be thrown into todays post. I called the passport office to inquire about the status of my application. It was supposed to be mailed out for delivery on Dec 11th. I am hopeful that I will get the passport prior to leaving as it is essential that I have it otherwise I wont be able to fly due to the new rules to fly into and through the US.

It has yet to be printed as far as D knows. This is what they told him about his passport. He went a week ahead of me which doesn't bode well for me. His is already 5 days late in being sent out and I hope... that's all I can do is hope.

I know its my own fault that this is happening. I really wasn't planning a trip at this time and it only came about after I sent my application in. I know that it might all work out and I will just be worried about nothing... though it could be something huge as I wont be able to

A- Enjoy the take off and landing
B- Fly with my sister
C- See my Dad
D- Get away from the cold winter
E- Meet new people.
F- Just get away from 'my so called life'
G- Have a possible make out session at my layover in Chicago. With J
I - Have my imagination run away with total strangers at the airport
J- Leave it all behind
K- See my Dad
L- Be a part of the scenic view at the nude beach
M- get my money back for the flight
O- Do any type of shopping

There are more things that I will miss but I didn't want to think of the rest as that would just be helping me down the rabbit hole.

I'm debating now whether to even pack. I eventually will... just in case. There's no point in beating myself up now if I don't know what will happen so Ill just prepare. Either way I will make a trip to the airport Either I'm flying out or Ill be driving my sister so she can fly out.

Expect the worse hope for the best?

Cross your fingers!

207 - knows no geography

Darling 'I'm exhausted, its been a long day, how are you feeling?'

D ' Ive a pounding headache, took a Tylenol we'll see later how I feel'

Darling 'Are you still coming over?'

D 'I think you should go to bed and sleep. Ive got a headache and we'll both be rested for lunch tomorrow at your place'

Darling 'Are you saying no to sex?'

D 'No just changing the time it happens'

Darling 'Cheeky, but I like your idea.'

I crawl into bed with my tummy feeling a bit squeamish. Not sure what is happening to my body. Nothing happens. I think of what I had to eat that day and nothing out of the ordinary came to mind. Maybe it was just nerves? but about what? No idea.

I went back into bed and got cozy, drifted off to a sweet sleep and my phone rings. Private caller. Without thinking about it I flip the phone open and say hello.

G 'Hey how are you?'

Darling 'I'm doing well, thanks, how are you?'

G 'Doing well, I finally was able to call and I'm glad I got a hold of you;

Darling ' Who is this?'

G ' That's nice, you don't even remember me.'

Darling ' I'm sorry its about 1:00 in the morning here'

G 'Oh that's right I'm sorry, were you sleeping?'

Darling (thinking of what other things I would be doing if things were moved to lunch) 'Yes I was sleeping

G 'I'm sorry about waking you up, Ive been meaning to call and had the opportunity to do so and thought I would. Its been about a year since we last saw each other'

Darling 'OMG Brazil!! How Are youuuu?? It really has been a year. wow How is Brazil?

His name isn't Brazil. He just lives there now. He used to live in Ottawa and we were friends. Prior to him moving to Brazil he was starting to lean towards me in more than the friends area. Kind of a good thing that he moved but still a nice guy. This we talked about as well during the phone call and other things like the things we used to do together and to each other.

I'm still exhausted and kind of want to go back to sleep but its G from Brazil and I haven't seen him on about a year, so we continue and catch up and soon it turns to what I thought it would.

G 'So do you remember the last few times we got together? I still think about it and I get really turned on.'

Darling 'They were a lot of fun weren't they?'

G 'You don't understand how much I think about it and to think just as things were going so well and then I went and had to leave. I think about how things could have been if I stayed.
Darling '...I'm sure we would have had more fun...

He goes on down memory lane with some of the things we did enjoy together and I smile a the memories. They were pretty great. At this point I'm still exhausted but its good to catch up. He tries to have phone sex. Giving me visuals of what he would want to do to me, just how he knows my body reacts.

He talks about coming to visit me here or having me visit him there. He continues to talk about visiting me and how he might not want to return. That last bit was his little head talking :)

The suggestions he makes are things that I really do enjoy and somehow there is this one thing that hes done that totally does it for me and hes the only one that ever done that to me. (hoping that ill be able to experience it again)

So one thing leads to another and I have to look back on it now and wonder... long distance phone sex? What would make someone want to call overseas to a past lover... bring up experiences and expound on the possibilities of 'what ifs

This tells me one thing at least... libidos knows no geography :) Well that... and when something is worth remembering... its nice to see what people recall...

What I think Of When...

Im walking with a man over hot sand, my sandals held in my hand. My toes digging in the grains of sand. The sun is hot and bright. There are no clouds in the sky. The ocean is blue and majestic. The waves crashing in reminding people to respect the ocean. A breeze presses my sundress flush against my body, hugging my curves.

As we get closer we hear this song. So appropriate, so perfectly in tune to the time and place that we were. So perfect for the mood. This song, which plays as we take a stroll right on the boardwalk. He takes my hand and twirls me around in circles. I laugh and people smile as they see us laugh in the open. We sing to each other taking turns. Smiling eyes, happy eyes return my gaze and all is as it should be. Wonderful.

This song will always remind me of that moment.

Under the boardwalk
By The Drifters

Oh, when the sun beats down
And burns the tar up on the roof
And your shoes get so hot
You wish your tired feet were fireproof
Under the boardwalk
Down by the sea, yeah
On a blanket with my baby
Is where I'll be

(Under the boardwalk) Out of the sun
(Under the boardwalk) We'll be having some fun
(Under the boardwalk) People walking above
(Under the boardwalk) We'll be falling in love
(Under the boardwalk, boardwalk)

In the park you hear
The happy sound of the carousel
You can almost taste the hot dogs
French fries they sell
Under the boardwalk
Down by the sea, yeah
On a blanket with my baby
Is where I'll be

(Under the boardwalk) Out of the sun
(Under the boardwalk) We'll be having some fun
(Under the boardwalk) People walking above
(Under the boardwalk) We'll be falling in love
(Under the boardwalk, boardwalk)

[Instrumental Interlude]

Oh, under the boardwalk
Down by the sea
On a blanket with my baby
Is where I'll be

(Under the boardwalk) Out of the sun
(Under the boardwalk) We'll be having some fun
(Under the boardwalk) People walking above
(Under the boardwalk) We'll be falling in love
(Under the boardwalk, boardwalk)

146 - senses

I pick up this chocolate and bite into a corner, some cream dribbles onto my lip and I quickly sweep it away with the tip of my tongue. Sweet delicious tasting cream. I spread it around the the inside of my mouth trying to place where I have tasted it or something similar to it before.

I bring the chocolate up to my lips again for another taste and with the opening that I had made before, I take my tongue and slip it inside the opening. I close my eyes and try and recall how I recognize the taste. My tongue sweeps back and forth and when the tip of my tongue has swept all that it can reach I slip the rest into my mouth and wait until it melts on my tongue. Still trying to figure out the puzzle.

When it hits me. Nipples. (Nipples did not suddenly appear and hit me... I hope you weren't picturing naked women shaking thier bodies at me so that I am attacked by their nipples... well.. if you weren't... you are now...) Save that thought for later! Focus!

I remember a small jar of the same color as this cream. I remember fingers that were used to spread them over my nipples, I remember him making a pattern on my body and spread over other parts of me. I remember him licking it off of me. I remember wanting to spread some it on them only to find out that he had used it all on me. I remember his apology and promise to bring for a jar for two the next time. I remember the taste of it on his lips.

I remember sweet kisses.

Valentines Day chocolate that teases more than one sense. I look at the heart shaped box and wonder what memory the next piece will bring...

To...

To...

Its been a while, Im not sure what it is. Im not sure if its me, or what. I apologize if its something I said. If it was something I said, I wish I never said it. Would it be awful if I said I miss you. Probably shouldnt even mention that, but its there. I do.

I know you must be busy, we're all busy. I know I cant be on your mind all the time a much as I would like to think I am. I know thats not the case.

What do I miss? Knowing whats on your mind, having you share with me your thoughts on this and that. You sharing something new with me, knowing that it would make me think. Sharing your unique views.

Opening my mind to situations and possibilities. Making me want to be something, someone. Better. Just more.

I just miss it. Whatever it gave me, this thing between us. If there was even a thing. Made me smile.

Ive no idea whats on your mind, I dont belong there. I just like it when you invite me in and bring me to a place that I feel comfortable in.

For that, I thank you.

Darling

(darn not knowing... lol but in its own way sometimes its the best :)

109 I love you too

A memory...

I was sent a package in the mail and received it and just put it away. When going through some boxes, I found it within some clothes. I didnt open the package until 3 years later on the exact day he wrote the letter below. I was baffled at the coincidence. I cried for what it meant, for what I lost, for what I was given.

I cried for the memories that flooded me, for the possibilities and for a future that will never come to pass.

I think of him from time to time, and wonder and the things he is up to, the work hes done, the life he now leads. I wonder if hes happy. I hope he is. I wanted to so much for him. I still do.

I wonder if he thinks of me too...and I also wonder if he knows that I loved him too...

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04/30/02
Hello Darling,

I know I have not been the kind of boyfriend you deserve. Neither one of us deserves to be apart for as long as we have. These last few months have been very difficult on the both of us. But until recently, I had changed the way I love you or rather seen a different side of love that I have for you.

I made too big of an issue of the obstacles that kept us separated, and in my own frustration I directed that anger towards you. Our relationship seems to have trouble whenever I lacked confidence in either me or you. I have forced that issue on you and have made you feel as though you were to blame.

Even with the things you have told me recently, I have come to realize just how deeply I am in love with you. My love is UNCONDITIONAL. Love, forgiveness and God are one in the same. You are my Angel. I have failed to keep you happy and in so failed to keep myself happy. Life teaches me different things everyday. I'm sorry I learned it the hard way when you have said it to me all along.

I love you
DMR

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I still love him and always will. He was a large part of my life. He is no longer, but the lessons, memories and experiences are there. I am because of him.

The love is different. No longer encompassing and heart wrenching, but my heart remembers what it was like. I love him for the person he is and the things he stands for and the things he will do in his life. Hes a good person and who doesnt love the good?

PS. Wherever you are DMR... All the best :)

108B - Letter

I should probably give you some history on the Letter in the previous post. I just came across it after havent seen it for a while. It just made me think about the what ifs of life and the ins and outs of situations. How things happen fr a reason and sometimes those reasons arent apparent... yet.

It was just something I wanted to share. Im not quite sure why. But its there. Maybe just had to give it a place to rest.

It wasnt a bad relationship, just one of them that got away.

108 - Letter

Hi Darling,

I dont know what to say other than I love you and I cant lose you. Even though you are with someone else I still want to call you every day and talk all night like we used to do. I dont care how long it takes for us to be together again. I have realized how good of a girlfriend you have been to me and that you are worth evrey minute of my suffering. No matter how long it takes.

I dont know why God has chosen us to break up but he has also given me a love for you that will not stop. What do I do with this love? Will it fade away? We have had a 3 year relatioship that challenged the both of us everyday. We have been able to hold out for that long. How long can I hold out for. I know how much is in my heart and that will give us strength and hope for us.

Not until that love is gone will I give up. Persistence is my strongest trait. I dont know when to quit. Even when I have lost I still go on. I have seen this in me for as long as I can remember. I know if you look you haveseen it in me also, in many facets of my life. Mario could have not been more correct when he said that I am not a quitter. One day you and I will be together again and we will both have grown and our love together will be awesome.

I love you Darling like no one has before or will.
DMR

74 - sometimes

I met with a man once, he was considerably older than I was. First over the telephone lines, he made me think of hot nights and fun flirtations. Sometimes you just get a feeling. I got the feeling in a big way. After a few phone conversations I decided to go meet with him. He owned his own business and I met him there. We talked and hit it off right away.

I learned during one of our conversations that he was married with children. Whom he would do anything for. I could hear it in his voice. The love for his family was evident. Meeting him was a treat. I was attracted to him. He was a gentleman and one that was full of life.

Not only was I physically attracted to him, I was attracted to his mind. His thoughts were all over the place yet they all came together at the end. He had such business sense that I wanted to tap into his mind and syphon out everything and learn it all.

I never told him of my attraction to him. I think he had an idea. Nor did I act on it. It was new to me at the time to be hungry for someones mind and body at the same time. I didnt know how to approach it, how to handle it or how to present myself even if he were available. Another reason I didnt do anything, I met his family and thought them wonderful.

Prior to the whole family moving and settling into Ottawa I met with him where he lived. I flew there to meet with him and some of his colleages. I spent the day there acomplishing much. The trip was work related and there was nothing more to it than work, though in my mind, scandalous thoughts ran amuck.

It was surprising how jealous I was when I saw them together. Him and his wife. Im not sure if it was because I knew no one else like him, or if it was because I couldnt have him.

I still visit with him once in a while. Or we cross paths somehow at different places. I dont feel the same as I did towards him, I think the distance helped. That the time spent together has lessened, which also helped. There are still memories of what my mind has imagined but never will be.

They are nice memories even if those memories never happened. The thoughts and ideas were pleasant and always good. Maybe that why things happened the way they did. I have something good to add to the memory banks.

I guess thats how things work sometimes.