406- Death by neglect.

A couple of weekends ago, I had plans to go out with D and I was looking forward to it. Really looking forward to it. It seemed that, at the time we were spending less and less time together. Talking less and less. Life happens, yes. Call me a girl but I like it when I get to spend time with someone that I like. I like touching them, seeing them, talking to them and so on.

None of my senses were being satisfied by D because of busy and conflicting schedules. So after looking forward to spending time with him and it being a while since we last did. I took extra care of myself. I prepared myself, mentally and physically. I took the process of getting ready for the night out and turned it to anticipation. With the application of lotion on my body, I thought of his hands touching me everywhere, feeling and enjoying the feel of how silky smooth everything is to touch. With the stroke of color against my lips and cheeks I thought of what it would look like a little bit smeared as we kissed. While slipping on a brand new pair of stilettos I imagined the line of my body pressed against his while  only wearing the shoes. I admired the line of my naked body and what the shoes did for it and debated what to wear. Carefully choosing something that left the imagination wondering what I had on underneath. I dressed. 

And I wondered at how I was going to make it out in public if my libido took over before being seen with him. Out. In public. Anticipation, I told myself its all part of it. And at the end of the night and after being teased throughout the evening. Alone together in the bedroom is where we can relish in coming together in a mad rush of want. Of bodies pressed against each other, of nibbles and licks throughout and all over each others bodies. Hands exploring and tongues dueling. I looked forward to it all. I imagined it all happening as they have in the past and I looked forward to the night. 

I took satisfaction in the product of my preparations. Hair soft and silky flowing down my back and framing my face where I applied minimal color, only emphasizing my eyes and lips. A little fragrance applied to various locations on my body like behind my ears and in between my breasts. 

I let my imagination play out scenarios. I wondered if we would make it out of the house before tearing our clothes off. Its happened before. Maybe again? Perhaps. Maybe we'll go out and enjoy each other as usual and heighten the want and need in each other that we find a secluded area and come together in silent oblivion. Could we wait until we come back and leave a trail of clothes from the front door to the bedroom. Would we make it to the bedroom even? Anything is possible. That thought made me smile. 

That smile was taken away by the long wait of nothing. Not a phone call, not a text, not a doorbell ringing. All the anticipation, for nothing. All the preparation, for no one. 

A little part of me died that night. A part that was special and just for D. I realized in the time that I waited for something, anything that I was in a quasi relationship by myself.. with D. I knew and realized that we werent 'together' together. That when we met and decided it would be light and fun. Good times. I realized that night that it wasnt that anymore. It became something else, something that I didnt agree to and something that I no longer recognized or wanted. 

So I decided that night to let things die between us. I wouldnt go out of my way to make things happen, make things good or special. I would just... plainly... leave things alone. I wouldnt yell or scream or be 'that girl' I would just let things .... die. Let things become what they really were and that was nothing special. 

Since that night I havent talked to him. He hasnt called me to apologize or explain what happened. Or if he has called theres been no messages left to listen to. I havent called him either, theres nothing for me to talk about. Something in me died that night for him, for us. So I feel no emotion when I think of talking to him. There would be no emotion behind my words if we did speak. Death by neglect. Thats how it feels. For something that I thought was special, I have received texts from him to the effect of 'hope you have a nice day' , where I replied you too and some  'thinking of you' which I dont reply to. My replies have been 4 words or less usually consisting of 'thanks you too' 

But now and for the last few days I wonder how Im to mourn this loss. Do I climb into myself and closet myself away from life. Do I go out and use someone elses body to help me forget or do I let time heal. Perhaps it will be a mix of the options above. 

404 - Looking forward

I have a trip planned for this April, Ill be heading towards Southern California. Im excited. Its still a ways away but Im looking forward to getting away from the normal day to day things that I have to deal with here. Im not complaining about my life but its nice to get away for a little while. Even better to not have to deal with winter and everything that comes with it.

Ill be going for just under three weeks and thats not long enough to take in what Id like to take in, see who I need to see and do what I need to do.

The first half of my trip will be spent with family who are all flying in to spend time together. Its been  a little over two years since we were all together like this so that will be fun and awkward. But mostly fun with lots of catching up and laughter. So long as we keep the good times rolling then that will do nicely.

The second half sees the rest of the family flying back to their respective destinations while I remain to enjoy the homestead as I see fit. Which is where AS of LA comes in. Not to be confused with AS of Ottawa :)

I met AS of LA the last time I was in California. We hit it off from the start and he did all the right things that garnered him invites to spend more time with me until it was my time to go. It was such a natural ease of comfort for me to be with him that I jumped into 'crazy girl mode' which I warned him about and said not to pay it any mind as it just needed to get out of my system. I assured him that there would be no 'bad' crazy to deal with. Life is so full of drama that I try not to contribute to it. He laughed at me and said he appreciates the warning :)

The most important thing I told him to focus on while 'the girl' got her way for a time was that .... In that moment, that time and space we were together. It was perfect, exactly what I needed on so many levels. And he fit that bill at that time. After that, its all projection in my head and that would easily be fazed out with the distance between us.

We have kept in touch with each other to not cut ties but I fear it may be different when we reconnect as its been a while. Ive shared that with him but hes not worried about how things will be between us. Its nice to have someone counter my worries and toss them aside like they are nothing... specially when its nothing. When its a legitimate worry he does address them and we act accordingly.

It would have been nice to be able to see him since that last visit but life can be a huge deterrent. I wont share what he does for a living but he works in the entertainment industry and living in LA Im fascinated with what he does and who he gets to interact with. He says its not as glamorous as I think it is to me and its so different from anything Ive had to deal with that it is. I tell him that all the time and its the truth which I think makes him puff out his chest that much more. I think its attractive.

Will this be something serious? Its hard to tell. Long distance relationships dont have the best track record and well, there are other things to consider. So for now. Its nice that there will be someone to add to my little black book even if they are in Southern California.

In the meantime, locally I have AS of Ottawa that continues to demonstrate what keeps me wanting.

401 - Man and Woman

Very new development with AS. Hes witty which I enjoy. Hes tall which makes me feel delicate. Hes patient which I appreciate. Hes persistent which makes me smirk. Hes sweet which makes me smile. Hes cute which makes me blush. Hes on the ball which impresses me. Hes tenacious which reels me in. Hes ambitious which arouses me. Hes attached both makes me glad and sad.

Let me just say that I am attracted to someone that is confident. I mean who wouldnt be in any interaction. He has it in spades but in a way thats not in your face. Its very subtle but very grounded. In the time that we have known each other he has been patient with me which I cannot say how much it helps in going at my own pace. Theres no sense of rushing to get to a certain point. Everything has been so fluid. So effortless which makes it feel so natural.

Ive met people that have come and gone in my life that have been able to trade witty barbs, can banter with ease, exchange witty repartees. None of them have been able to put it all together and keep it going. Keep it fresh and not only that.. but also call me on things that no one else would have. He actually doesnt let me off the hook. For example, sometimes if theres a question I dont want to go into at the moment for whatever reason. I will find a way to answer a similar in spirit but not in actuality question. He would call me out on it in a very polite way with a zany comment which makes me accountable.

Folks let me tell you... my mind was seduced. There was going to be no way my body was not going to follow him. Seduce my mind and my body will follow. I quoted that to him at one of our very first meets. He listens. He did it right.

So right that I was fighting myself on what to do with him. I have to decide in what capacity I want him in my life. FWB NSA? Friend, Lover?...?? Im in a pickle.

Theres so much about him that does it for me. Gads! Even his voice turns me on. When our eyes catch, he looks intense and it pulls me in. He thinks before he speaks. So what comes out is aimed directly at the part of my head that needed to hear the answer. His hands are what I like mens hands to be like :)

All I know.... its exciting to be in a place of unknown. Its exciting to not know what will happen, theres so many possibilities. Its arousing to imagine letting my body follow what my mind has imagined. Its confusing to wonder if there is anything reciprocated on his part.

It is refreshing to find a man to my woman. Ladies and gentlemen, I have found someone that makes me feel like a special delicate feminine woman.

400 - is it possible?

The pot of soup is still being stirred and here is someone that you may have read about in previous posts.

SE is still around trying to find a way inside my bedroom. More so inside my underwear, location doesn't seem important to him it seems. He sends me random photos of himself in various states of undress. Which I find amusing. the following is an exchange via texts. I also entertained the thought of finding a way to showcase what I do collect in my inbox other than salacious and titillating emails and in this case photos. I am undecided and I like my privacy so Ill need to make sure to keep theirs as well.

I still find him very attractive, I still rank him high on the making out dept and if I could convince him to only make out we would have hell of a make out session. As often as we could manage. I'm not sure that he would be satisfied with that and not push for more. Truthfully... its that good that I'm not even sure that I wouldn't push for more. Its probably safer this way.


SE - *photo of SE* in some form of undress, showing off his body in fine form.

Darling - SE... are you sure that you meant to send that photo to me? Not that I am complaining :)

SE - Yes of course. Now you send me a topless one.

Darling - You know that's not how it works.

SE - Yes it does lol

Darling - You've seen the real thing so a photo would not do it justice :)

SE - Can I see the real thing again then? :) and soon would be better

Darling - Not when you keep leaving in the middle of conversations.

*we bumped into each other at some point prior to this text session and someone I hadn't seen in a long time stopped when they saw me and we had a few things to say to each other to be polite and when I turned SE had pulled a disappearing act.

SE - I promise if I see the real thing in my bed I wont leave in the middle.

Darling - You are trouble :)

SE - So is that a yes or a no?

... * i don't reply for a while as I am attracted to him and I enjoy making out with him but I'm not sure that I want to get myself involved in this.

SE - Hey you didn't answer me

Darling - How about we keep things as they are. I don't want to let things get weird.

SE - No

Darling - Not the answer you wanted to get?

SE - No but the one I expected.

Darling - You start sending that photo around and I'm sure you will get offers... more than you can handle.

SE - Just want you

Darling - Sweet talker :)

SE - I hear what you're saying but that doesn't mean Ill stop trying.

So a question to the gentlemen. Is it possible to "not go all the way" and just enjoy the foreplay?

397- hands off

I invited T over to take advantage of my offer to give him a massage. Just a massage. Purely for relaxation purposes for him and to not lose my technique. I was a little nervous as I am attracted to him and have had him star in some fantasies.

So I think that because of the fact that I am attracted to him and had him wearing only his boxer briefs, on my bed with my hands all over him. I was concentrating more on making sure that the massage was super fantastic. Makes sense? Not even in my head does it makes sense though I try to figure it out.

Id like him to come back for another massage. Its a great test to my ... control to have someone that I'm attracted to be half naked on my bed while my hands roam all over their body and NOT end up going where things usually go when one finds a half naked attractive person on their bed.

It was nice. It was challenging. It was tempting as all get out but I am happy to say that I did not take advantage of him. Or he I. I have too much respect for his wife to do anything to cross the line. Im not even sure if Im allowed to touch him in my usual way when Im with my guy friends. I usually do lots of touching, drape my arm around their waist, tickle the back of their neck by running my nails back and forth, if its not the back of their neck maybe their arm or leg. Just very touchy feely and not always sexual. Just friendly.

Guys love it. Their girlfriends not so much but after a while they see that its not meant to challenge their position in the guys life and they are ok with it and see that its just me being me= friendly. It just takes some time for everyone to adjust. So every time they get a new girlfriend theres always an adjustment period for everyone.

So anyway, T came over we talked, I told him to get undressed and I started on him shoulders and back, then he took off more clothes which left my eyes in merriment. I have to say that He is in good shape. I know he used to go to the gym much more than he used to but he had an injury thats kept him away and hes slowly getting back to going more often like he used to.

I also wanted to share with you in case you were wondering, that I kept my clothes on. I did have a sweater that I removed once I got into the massage. So Ive decided that since nothing of the sexual sort involving T and I being naked together will likely happen... unless some sort of something occurs. But as of how things stand its looking like its just a big tease.

Which I have come to enjoy with T. So I have full disclosure with him and we both know where we stand. So we flirt like crazy and tease each other to distraction and still its a matter of not crossing the line and well for me. I find I can push the limits and see what happens... even though I know that it wont end up where we might both have thought of in the dark. Its been fun.

If anything should happen Ill make sure to share.

395 - junkie

Sexually frustrated in Ottawa. Blunt yes. Its a cycle like anything else I think. Ive been good though and haven't been getting around like I used to... in a nice sense. I know that doesn't sound healthy but It sounds worse than it is.

I'm just saying that D isn't able to fulfill my needs all the time. As much as Id like and as often as Id like. So its frustrating. D and I are just friends BTW. Theres no ties between us. But I still feels the sting of guilt. This is a problem and this is why I am frustrated.

I feel like I'm in a monogamous relationship when I in fact am not in such a thing. I cant say how he feels and I don't think Ill be asking him again anytime soon. I tend to ask questions, lots of them.

So I remain sexually frustrated and find myself fantasizing about guys I shouldn't be fantasizing about just to up the titillating meter so that in the event of a self induced orgasm the POW will be even more satisfying. Junkie much? Oh yes.

394 - Leave it be?

T. Im in lust. Im not allowed anything but flirting but oh do I want more than that. The flirting is arousing and stimulating. I know he's married, he knows I know and we used to work together a few years ago and we've remained friends throughout my career change.

We recently found ourselves alone and there was plenty of flirting as usual but this time there was something a little physical. He touched me in a sexual way. I also think there were a couple of moments when the hugs lasted a little longer and another time when his lips were drawn to mine.

We didn't end up kissing but i wanted to. But I didn't know if he wanted to or not. So it didn't happen.

Hes told me that if he wasnt married hed be all over me. I told him that if he wasn't married Id be all over him. We laughed but i was a little sad because of it. Im sure it would be dynamite. but Im not willing to make things different. Its nice the way things are. Me questioning myself and keeping myself in check not just for his sake but for mine. So I can be strong in respecting myself and him as well.

I will have to share that I do have fantasies about him and he and I talk about them in general, nothing specific. He's a nice guy who has a great life and I have no intention of changing any of that for him just to satisfy my libido.

Ive entertained thoughts of what it would be like to just make out with him. To kiss and have our tongues stroking against each other. I've thought of keeping up my skills in massage on him... clothed of course. I've also thought of just having him as a cuddle buddy, someone to share the sofa with while watching a movie at home.

I don't think he'd quite take to the ideas above, to be the provider of gratuitous sexual tension minus the sex.. without the guilt. Selfish of me yes I know.

I wonder what he would say if all I wanted to do was to use him so perfect, practice and perform feminine seductions without going through with it. Kind of like... I cant explain it... its in my mind. I can picture how it would play out but I cant explain it. Im sorry. It sounds selfish... but I figure... if he agrees and knows then why not. But Im too chicken to even bring it up.

So maybe this thing with T will be just that. Something that will never be. And that all right :)

391 - tension

One hour to spend with JC, we went for a walk and talk. Not dinner and a movie, or beer and wings. A walk and talk. It was surprisingly pleasant. He made no rude or crude remarks about anything. We touched on various topics and stayed with our hour limit. It was nice to have that limit as I find myself in a difficult place where Id like to end it for some reason or another and cannot.

I have to say that JC isnt usually the type I would go for right off the bat but that pleasant hour made up my mind and I find myself looking forward to seeing him again. Our conversations since that hour have been a little bit more personal. He has intimated how and where he would like this relationship to go. After of course, letting me know that he was pleased with my appearance and also that he was attracted to various and many parts of my body.

I havent given him any indication of where I stand on his directions but I am enjoying the idea of the various things he has shared with me of his plans.

The ability to make someone anticipate, is powerful. Sometimes I catch myself thinking am I the one on the receiving end of it or is it I that weaves that spell? No matter, it is an experience.

On one hand I am doing the girly thing and thinking of JC and I in an actual relationship and imagining how it could be with him. Then reality hits and I think it could all just be nothing. Only time will tell. Though my guess is that the experience with be short if not full of the good kind of tension :)

378 - What is it about a man

What is it about a man?

What is it about a man that I look at? What makes me decide that I want him? and what is it that I want him for if he doesn't make the grade? How bad is that? That if he doesn't make the cut... I wonder how I can somehow fit him into my life.

This post might be enlightening. For you? A little degrading for me. But honest.

When I meet a man. I always look forward to the best possibility. Who knows what that possibility could be. Just the best. Who doesn't want the best?

At first glance. At first meeting. Its an interview of sorts. Its true within a few minutes I can have a general sense of where it might go. If it will go anywhere or not. Ill find out if I am attracted to them physically. Though sometimes its difficult to tell because of all the clothes he has on.

Don't you ever wonder what the other person looks like naked before you get to that point? Just so you know if there is anything that might be a turn off or off putting or a deal breaker? I mean sometimes I want to see what Ill be getting before I get there to make sure that Its actually something I want to ... do.

So in my head I wonder what they look like naked. I also want to know all their bad habits. Their pet peeves and what ticks them off. Their deal breakers, annoying habits and anything that people might not like about them. Because I just want to know and get that out of the way.

As far as the good things about them, the funny quirks, the endearing habitual movements I can wait on because that's what I want to get to know in time. Like little surprises. The rest I want to know up front and at the beginning of a courtship if I can call it that so I know if there is something that I really wouldn't be able to handle then it can be dealt with without any awkward moments of thinking you've lead someone on, that you've become something special to them and so on.

Also at the beginning of a courtship as Ill call it from now on even though it sounds more romantic than I'm making it out to be. I also want to find out what it is they really are looking for. What kind of woman they are looking for because I want to know if what they are looking for is... well. Me.

If I can decide that they are looking for someone or something that I cannot provide or offer then there is no point in continuing this... courtship. So better luck next time and hope you find what you're looking for.

Why do I want that? Well because I know me best and I know what I can offer and If I am a match to their description then we move along.

I'm not saying someone will one day describe me to the T but if its somewhere in the vicinity then why wouldn't I think it would be a good match and why not continue with this person because he seems to be looking for someone... something like ... me.

Now that I think about it. it feels a little like I'm cheating, stacking the odds? But don't most people do something of the like? Maybe not as out and open as I do it but don't most people do that? Some people do mass dating, serial dating to some but its all to get closer to finding that one person.

Maybe I'm just in a loopy mood tonight. Introspective is the word I'm looking for.

Take SE. Pretty boy. Can make me think naughty thoughts and all hes wearing is a pair of rip away pants and white shirt. The thing is... once hes naked... it doesn't illicit the same naughty thoughts as when hes fully clothed. Strange? I am.

D? Can fill out a pair of jeans and long sleeve vneck and have me wanting to touch him even if its me squeezing his arm for a moment. Naughty thoughts well at warp speed. Then naked it takes it to a whole new level and I wonder how I can have my mouth in more the one place on his body at the same time.

With A who I have yet to take to second base I don't know if I could handle it going that far. Not for me but because for him it would take this to a whole new world of courtship. Did I mention that A has offered to ' take care of me'? I hope you are no longer wondering why I haven't let it go further.

SJ is new and is a little amorous because of his ummm preference for women with ample... assets. Not that I think mine are anything to talk about in the locker room but he seems very interested in getting together due to the many different things he would be able to... do.

C has made a return. I have yet to decide what Id like to do with him but I know for certain that it wont be how it was when we were together briefly. Ive grown a little bit and know what I want more than I did before so I hope that hell be receptive of how Ive become a little.... less submissive.

SB came for a visit last week and it was nice. Hes got some ideas that I am not sure of as it will tip the balance of who is in control... and I'm a girl who likes the reins. Even when it looks like I don't its only because I let them think I don't have it

Spring is fast approaching and so The Soup seem to realize this and are aware that spring brings out a new season and.... wardrobe :) Not only those in The Soup are aware of this. So are those not included.

People will be feeling more... amorous and well... I hope to take advantage and be right in the thick of things.

349 - some soup

AR and I have been seeing each other every other weekend. Usually for lunch and were together for a few hours at a time. There is always a giant pink elephant in the room with us wherever we go. For me the pink elephant is the kiss. Wanting to.

I'm not certain what it is for AR but I'm thinking its the same thing. If we weren't in public I think it would be easier to get the kiss out of the way. Though once the kiss is out of the way then it would just become something else.

There is a shyness around the both of us that makes making the first move a little difficult. Were in the same situation. Actually were not but we think alike and really were not in the same situation. AR is just that AR.

There is a side that's scared to be with me for fear of being lost in swept away with me. The other is looking forward to the experience.n How do I deal with that? Very carefully.

Do I think there is a future with AR? Trust me on this when I say that AR is happy being with AR. I wouldn't want to create waves. If only I could tell you about the other details. Maybe another time. Or maybe... you'll figure it out on your own which leaves me off the hook in telling you.

A little about AR. Younger than I am by a few years which I know is very unusual. Don't forget this is an unusual situation and there are things that you have yet to find out. But young AR is. Legal of course in case any of you were wondering.

I try to stay on the good side of the law. Try :)

Once after a desert I took AR to an adult store and we walked around pointing out things that we've used own or would like to try sometime. It was to say the least arousing. Still nothing happened after that.

I wont invite AR to my place. That would just seem... too soon. Id like to go to AR's place. There I can see much happening. But seeing as were both shy and there is a conflict of interest in AR's situation. It might not happen for a while.

SB or as some of you like to think of BS :) has made a few late night calls going down... memory lane. This of course is something I'm not 100% behind though I feel a little uncomfortable telling him that 'I'm really not in the mood for this'. So what happens? I entertain him. I make appropriate noises and try to stay in the realm of semi sleep so as to not be awake. If that makes sense. Kind of like when you know you've been dreaming and you open your eyes and try to get back to the dream somehow. Confusing... I know. He'll be in my area again in a couple of weeks and we shall see how that goes.

I bumped into S's coworker at a bar once night and didn't know they worked together until he mentioned where he worked. I asked him if he knew S and he said yes with a surprised look on his face. A few reasons why he looked surprised went through my head. They all made me smile. There was an awkward moment for me as I know S isn't in contact with me anymore. For a couple of reasons which makes me sad. He was a nice person and someone I had much I wanted to learn from.

I often wonder if he spoke to S about meeting me at some point. I wonder about his reaction and what he thought. I guess now Ill never know. But I can always imagine :)

I wish him well and that every so often should he think of me, smile.

M calls every now and then. Usually for the same reasons. To help in ... certain situations. I'm sure I've mentioned him before and the kind of phone calls he enjoys. The timing just isn't right for me when he does call. That could mean a number of things which I don't really think of too much as theres a very less than slim chance of there being anything that happens between us.

Which is why I let him indulge in his phone fetish for the moment.

I think I might have put A through the wood chipper already but it is worth mentioning that he is a persistent man. He calls leaves me messages and continues to do so without any reciprocation on my part. Ill eventually call him back and leave a message about a week later.

I know someone might think that I am playing games. I would like to clear it up that I do not play games unless they aware that I will be Jane waiting for Tarzan. Well you get the idea.

I think the reason its just not happening is because of a few reasons. Ill share some. First, our schedules never seem to work out. Second, theres no real solid 'want' on his side to set a time and day to meet for coffee, lunch or dinner. Something, anything. Though Ill admit if I were to say lets meet for sex he would have a plethora of times and dates and a basic you name it Ill be there attitude. Which leaves me unsatisfied somehow.

I want someone who wants to see me, be with me and hang out for whatever reason. This whole let us see what my schedule is like and Ill get back to you line doesn't work on me because that's the line I use. Which tells me that there really is no interest other than sex with him. He brings it up often enough.

I think it might be one of those situations where he wont get what he wants if he keeps doing what hes doing. Kind of like the more he wants it the less I want to give it to him.

P is anxious. Yes hes still around. I have to be careful. I know he is starting to have feelings and hes looking at 'the future'. I'm not there where he is. There wont be an 'us'. I wont lie and say that I don;t feel anything for him. He'll always be someone that's been on my side and have been essential in giving me advice concerning some things.

There was a time where I was falling for him to. Then I think it was too much for him and he lashed out and I couldn't go through that again with him, so I worked on not falling for him. It worked. There wont be a future but there will be a friendship. Yes I wonder sometimes but that wonder isn't pushing me towards that road.

Maybe in the new year Ill go and spend a week with him. Sounds strange doesn't it? I don't want him but Ill spend a week with him? You don't know all the details on this one either. Maybe one day.

There is a gentleman who lives in my building. I'm not sure if Ive mentioned him before. If I have I apologize. He parks his car next to mine in the garage and he is not my type for many reasons which I wont go into. But he seems to think that were meant to be friends.

Hes already told me about his marital status and how hes.. lonely. He would like to have a 'friend' and he thinks that I am perfect for the position. I imagine hes thought of many positions with the way he looks at me. Makes my skin crawl and not in a good way.

Sometimes I am not as smooth and coherent as I sometimes seem. When he asked me for my phone number so we can be each others friend and when he asked me out so he wouldn't be lonely. My response?

'oh, well... I don't think that's a good idea, plus you live in my building. That would just be complicated if things didn't work and I don't want anything complicated. Thank you but no thank you'

As I was saying that and more. I wanted a hole to open up on the floor and swallow him up. He always asks for my number and I always decline. its a bit disturbing that he will say things like. I always see you and you always look really good. You are always alone when I see you.

I try to avoid him.

One night I was wearing something a little revealing and he came into the garage as I was walking out of it. He looked me up and down in a not so gentlemanly way and asked me to wait for him so we could walk in together. I should have told him that I was cold and I had to gt in and quicken my pace to get away. I didn't. I waited. Stupidly. I'm too nice sometimes. Must work on that.

Of course again he tried to get something going. At least I'm consistent with that. I am not interested. Wont be ever. Just not my type. Obviously.

There should be new additions to The Soup. Its in the works :)

324 - in the air

They are on a hiring frenzie here at J1. The rest of the group is a bit put off by it, because not only are they hiring someone to replace me. They are looking to hire a second person as well. They have each individually spoken to management and brought up the topic of a raise and that was turned down.

Someone put it this way. 'They need to hire two people to replace you?' I just laughed at that and silently agreed.

Instead of keeping their current employees happy they will go ahead and hire someone newOK 2 new people now. Im not sure why that is as they will save more money by giving everyone a raise. Keep them happy and show them that they are valued as employees. When the department brings in, in one month 45 Gs more than the same month the year before. Theres room to share the wealth, just a tiny bit of it.

There are 2 other people in my dept who are looking for something different. They are seeing that there is no give from the company even when they are working hard and producing. I dont blame them. One day after theyve hired enough people and are trying to figure out why they cant hold on to their employees they might decide to make the position a little more attractive by making it more attractive.

So Im happy that I have found something new and different. Im nervous about it but thats normal. They are calling for 25+ cm of snow starting today. Im not looking forward to that. I think it will be a movie night in.

I see D once a week now that our schedules are insane again. I miss him a little but not enough to make me do anything rash. He calls me throughout the day and we talk for a while. Its nice. Im not asking to see more of him. I shouldnt have to. Its at a point where Im backing away little by little.

I went out with one of my girlfriends who works with someone that wants to meet me. I asked her if I knew him and she said no. I asked her how he knew about me and she has mentioned me a few times in their conversations. She wants to set us up. I told her to go for it.

I told her a few things regarding The Soup and how things are going there and she asked me if I had time to meet with J2. I said Id make time. Its never THAT busy. I can always make time to meet with someone for 30 min to see if theres anything there to pursue. No matter if they dont make it in The Soup for any reason. That doesnt mean were not meant to be friends.

I have missed 2 of J1s calls. Im undecided about J. Im thinking of how I can fit J into my schedule and how much maintenance it will be to keep him in The Soup. Here are my thoughts. He is mobile which works for me as he lives about a 45 minute drive from me and Im not familiar with his area and well... Im just not a fan of long commutes.

His only mode of communication is the telephone. Which I usally dont mind as thats usually the best way to get me. But I do enjoy the occaional email. What I dont like is that he only calls me between 4-5pm. If I should be busy and in the middle of something or tied up :) I dont have a number to reach him so I just leave it to him to get in touch with me and leave messages if he cant get me.

Which makes me think that he has either a girlfriend/wife that wouldnt appreciate a message left for him from yours truly. I know youre thinking that I should just ask for his number but Ill pass. That means that I have the ability to call him, which I wont. So theres no real point in having it.

We shall see.

I heard from A and hes working on something and will call me back to let me know. Hes another elusive one. Im glad nothing sexual has happened between us. (for now) As it seems it would be a vanishing act after the act. I hear from him every few weeks if that. So I wouldnt want to get physically involved with someone that I knew wasnt... reliable, consistent or detailed. But things could always turn around. Who knows!?

M3 is thinking of coming to Ottawa for a night if my plans for a vacation dont go through. Im undecided there as he has certain ideas and Im all for them but on my time. I tell him that it will happen just not when he wants it because I dont plan things all the time. When things are planned I feel out of place. IE. Planning to go out for dinner and drinks is ok. What happens during dinner and while were having drinks is unknown. Hes got ideas of going to a place and having this done and that done and then continue to do this and that.


That doesnt do it for me and really doesnt do him any good as it just turns me off and away from wanting to do things with him. I try to tell him that but when thats all hes thinking of and hes thinking that hes lucky that I havent slapped him in the face and walked away. I think he thinks I like it but I dont. Again Ive told him and he just wont listen.

What he doesnt understand is that we will get together and when we do we will.. do things. It just wont be how he thinks it will happen. Leave some spontenaity in it. I told him that expecting things to happen a certain way will only leave him disappointed.

If I happen not to go away for a week I think Ill visit a friend of mine in Toronto. Time away for relaxing. Things are all up in the air.

322 - soup and snow

I haven't seen D as much as I would have liked since his return, we've both been busy. Ive seen him once and that was yesterday and it went well. I'm nervous about seeing him again though.

I either want to blow his mind, just take control and have my way with him. Or I want it slow and sweet and still blow his mind of course. Its me not him. I feel shy like meeting someone new. That kind of shyness. I guess its just uncertainty. But I think that this time its normal as we had a serious conversation.

Ive got a new matching pink lacy bra that I need some feedback on. Ill try it out with him next time...

J called me and I wasn't expecting his call. I almost didn't recognize his voice. We talked for a bit and he apologized for calling earlier than he said he was going to. He wanted to call to let me know he wouldn't be able to call when he said he would because of something important coming up at work. I liked that he did that and we'll see each other this Saturday. We still haven't decided where we would meet but that's OK.

A called me and we talked for a little bit. There's a lot of teasing that happens when were on the phone but how that translates when were together face to face isn't the same. I'm almost hesitant with him. Kind of unsure. I think that's because he is very vague with things and how he answers questions isn't really answering them but deflective almost. I can live with it but it makes things a little intriguing in a way that might not be favorable for him. We shall see.


I spoke to G2 and its been over a year since we last spoke. He has a new girlfriend which is nice. Hes kicked the ex out of his place. Who was a girl he was starting to see when I met him. Hes an interesting guy. Really smart. Works with radioactive beams for medical machines. Interesting. I think. Anyway. I think.. that working with all those radioactive beams might have you know altered him you know. And I don't think he is spider man. Hes a cutie.


I let The Big Dog off her leash last night. I rarely do that. We were in the middle of a field and the show was high enough to get in my boots. (My dog walking boots) I let her off leash and she had a blast running at top speed. It was a lot of fun. We chased each other and against the moonlit snow I thought she was beautiful. The Big Dog in her black shiny coat running with the wind in her face. There was no mistaking where she was. Even when she was crouching down I could tell where she was hiding from me.


I felt happy letting her run in the snow. She looked happy and we played tug of war with her leash. She would have stayed out there for hours more if she had her way. I took her in after an hour or so.

It doesn't take much to make me happy.

318 - sinking in.. Florida

D and I talked before he left. I felt a little out of sorts talking about it as I wasn't sure what I could and couldn't talk to him about. In the end I let it all out and he was OK with it all. He understood. He felt bad that there were things that he couldn't help with but he would try to see what he could do.

I told him that it was good enough that he listened. That I wasn't sure who I could talk to about any of that seeing that it had to do with the both of us. I asked him silly things like if there was anything between us. If there was anything between us that would last. If in a few years we would be something more than what we are now.

I told him that I miss sleeping with someone. Not sex. Just someone to lie in bed with sometimes. I miss the closeness I guess, the intimacy with him. We have other moments together Its just not all the moments. I told him I knew that he wouldn't be able to. I told him I knew that it was important for him to be there when Little D gets up in the morning. I told him that it was part of the attraction for me that he had Little D and that I find him a fantastic Dad.

I told him that I knew he wouldn't be able to spend the night because of that and I understood. I just wanted to know if he thought about it... and in my mind I thought Id be pleased if the least he said was yes hes thought about it and if he was able to he would. Just hearing him say it would make me feel better.

My question to him was. If you could would you want to? I got from him, 'I completely understand where you're coming from and its not out there that you have been thinking about it. I knew this issue would come up sometime but I wasn't sure when. You don't know how much I want to and there will be times with this schedule that I will be able to stay until the wee hours of the morning. I will be leaving to be home for when Little D gets up. That's important to me too.'

Throughout the conversation I cried. I cried because it was nice to talk to him about it. It felt good. I cried because of his answers and how much I needed to hear him say things that I only thought of. I cried because I didn't have to hide it.

I asked him if thought I was totally out of line asking these questions and even if he thought they were he said 'no not at all. I'm glad you talk to me about these things it helps us work it out together and keeps it all on the table.'

We somehow went to talking about arrangements like these and I asked him if this is how it usually goes. He didn't know how to answer that and I asked him how what we have is different from the others that he has had. He told me that they don't usually last this long. That they usually don't understand that Little D is his #1 and that it doesn't usually last past a month or so.

He said he would understand if I didn't want to continue the arrangement that we have and if I wanted to just be friends then that's OK with him. He says that's not what he would do but he would understand. He said hes happy with how things are between us and he wants to make sure that I am OK and comfortable with it all. If not then we can just.. be friends.

He said that what we have is new to him too. Its nice to know that its uncharted territory for the both of us. In the end I admitted that the realization that there might not be a future between us was sinking in. I cried, he listened.

It wasn't the greatest conversation but it was one that felt liberating. I don't know how things will be when he gets back. I do miss him. I miss his voice. The phone calls to and from each other. I miss his body. I miss what he does to mine.

I'm cant make a commitment to someone that cant do the same for me. I do have feelings for him and I don't think that will change. I do need to continue on. Ill always be there for as long as he wants me in his life. Hell be in mine as long as he wants to. I don't see myself throwing a friendship away.

He sent a few text messages yesterday and that was nice. I told him to have fun and not to do anything I would do and his reply was really? I can do all that?

Cheeky huh? LOL

In continuing on. I will be going to Florida sometime in early February with M3 for a couple of days if our schedule works out. We will meet each other there.

Cheesecake with AR last night went really well. Hope to see more of each other in the near future.

Got a phone call from Brazil who was in New Brunswick visiting his parents. He was in Ottawa but didn't have my phone number so he wasn't able to find me. He doesn't know where I live either. It was nice to hear from him and to know that Ive been on his mind a lot. He is thinking of moving back but isn't sure of when.

Things are looking up. D will be back Monday. We'll see how things go.

306 - calling

Darling - OK Im bringing it up. This thing that were doing. When I start working with you.. What will happen between us and our situation?

D - That's up to you.

I wonder how its up to me because hes the one that told me that he doesn't mix his work life with his sex life. That he doesn't date co-workers.. and that's exactly what I will be in the hopefully early new year. A co-worker that is.

Darling - That's the thing though how can it be up to me when you're the one who said that you don't do that. I mean don't you think that would be weird?

D - Well that's what you said. That it would be weird.

Darling - Not for the same reasons as you're thinking. I just think it would be weird to all of a sudden stop. If I was already working there and we met there then it wouldn't happen. But since we met prior to me starting there. Don't you think it would be weird to just turn it off, cut it off cold turkey, that's it that's all you've had your fun move on to the next one?

D - I'm OK with it if we continue on.

This confuses me as now hes going back on what he said before? That or hes realizing what it is he'll be giving up? Or have I just not been paying attention and we've both been thinking the same of the other. That the other person wanted to end the arrangement after I start there. Deep down I think that's what this is. A matter of both of us not wanting it to end and thinking that the other person did.

Darling - OK, so... we'll just continue on and keep it going.

D- We'll continue on.

This isn't the end of that conversation. Ill have to ask him a few other things just because I'm too nosy to keep it to myself. Right now I cant really recall what else I wanted to bring up :) Silly me.

Before we had that conversation hes mentioned things like when I start working there Ill have a lot of men asking me out. It wont just be the guys I work with he says, it will also be clients. Ill have my pick of whoever I want. Upon hearing that I would make glib comments and change the topic to something similar.

I cant decide if its because he wants me to start looking for someone new. Or if he wants to see what my reaction will be and if I bite on the idea of having men thrown themselves at me. Highly unlikely for those of you who are wondering. For men to be throwing themselves at me that is.

Hes reacted on a few occasions when Ive mentioned people I have to go see or have dinners with. I mentioned going to Toronto to visit a friend of mine sometime and Ive mentioned meeting a friend who lives in Chicago and this guy and that guy. Never mentioning what kind of relationship it is. Just that they are friends. Most times I wont even say whether its a guy or not just a general friend. Could be female.

So his reactions have been interesting, like. Who are you going to visit this time? Or who is coming to visit you? There's been mention of dates Ive gone on with that hmmm knowing tone that someone uses when they don't really know. Cute really.

There's nothing wrong with his reactions. Its human to react. Maybe its a good thing that hes reacting otherwise the alternative would be no reaction and that he doesn't care? :) AHA!

D is working extra hours as hes trying to get his trip to be completely paid off. Hes planning on going to Florida in January sometime. No he hasn't asked me if I would like to go with him. Hes going with a couple of guys that he works with and I know that hell have his hands full. I'm not worried about the normal things. I'm just worried that I wont have my daily fix of D.

As much as I think about going with them I know Ill be in the midst of hopefully... training for the job. That or my life. It should be good.

Another thought I had was this trip to San Diego and how Ill be able to keep in touch with D. I feel like a geek thinking about that but I will miss talking to him. One of two things will happen. Distance makes the heart grow fonder or distance will make the heart go wander.

I'm hoping for fonder but we shall see. I might be able to count on one hand the days in which we didn't speak for the whole day. By no means were the days consecutive. My vacation is putting me in a spot where its making me think like a girl.

Must stop that. Ill still have a cell phone with me so I wont be completely cut off. You never know who will be calling.

298 - open to suggestion

I didn't get to see V or BC before they left. Not a big deal really as I know they will return to Ottawa. V sooner and more often than BC. Which is fine. If I had to choose who to spend more time with it would be with V. Just because.

BC was nice enough it was just a little too... much. Too much of what? I think too much of something that I'm not 100% sure of.

Things that made me pause and tilt my head in thought.

I'm glad you want to hook up
Call me anytime after work/party. Anytime, really.
When you're at home and you feel aroused and are planning on playing with yourself. Call me.

Really. I'm pretty tolerant when it comes to a lot of things/people. He just gave me more to think of than most. Its not all good things, as well its just things that make me think of the kind of person he is/looking for.

So I had a conversation about what hooking up and meeting up with someone means. I'm not sure if I shared this with you but I recently in the year 2007 I found out the difference between hooking up and meeting up. Anyway. I don't think Ive ever asked anyone if they wanted to hook up. Its always been meet. Its not bad its just to me. It sounds very cold and impersonal. That's just me though.

Even if we were looking for the same type of things. There's a certain way to go about it. Up front, in your face and I want an answer now really doesn't do it for me. I guess in a way what I learned is that I do want some kind of chase/give and take/ flirting/uncertainty. Not interested in the wham - bam - thank you Darling.

I hope this doesn't put me under a shady spotlight but... thoughts go this way...
If its a sure thing. I wont go out and advertise it. I'm picky.
I enjoy sex and I'm sure I would enjoy it with most people. Some more than others :)
I do think of that often. Ive got some wires crossed I'm sure
My girlfriends have no idea how crossed they are
They know that I'm a bit on the more adventurous side
I share some but not all details. Some things are meant to be kept a secret :)

OK so I do want someone who enjoys the lead up to having sex.
Not just come on over and lets get it on.
Though everything has its moments and maybe not in those words
But not on your first, second or third meeting... or whenever you think...
Its really when I'm in the mood.

Though I am open to suggestions :)

296 - Give me more

BC wants to see me again before he leaves. That's nice. Ill have to try to rearrange my schedule as its pretty busy the next few days. I know hes leaving this Sunday morning so I'm thinking the only time Ill have will be for Saturday early afternoon.

Before the Christmas Party that J1 puts on every year. The memo came out saying.

To: All Employees

From: The Head Poncho (name withheld for obvious reasons)

This year the Christmas Party will be held at 'La Di Da' (Not an actual place) which is located at 'Do Si Do' -sic- (Also not an actual address) It is near this road and that road. Which reminds me to map quest it so I know where Ill be going.

It will be held Saturday December 1 2007 at 7:00pm.

As usual it is necessary to obtain as soon as possible, the number of people which will attend in order to cater appropriately.

Please submit your intentions including your spouse or friend to your respective department managers.

Dress code will be smart business casual, no tie, no jeans, or tshirts.

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My intentions is not to make out with my date who is my sister no matter how many people ask me to and no matter how much people offer us. That will just not do.

My intentions are to be a more accountable person and to be more disciplined in various areas of life.

Are these the kinds of intentions they are looking for?

Or would be along the lines of I intend not to sneak out of work early or make fun of other people.

What happens if peoples intentions are not honorable?

So they want me to dress like I normally do for work. Dropping my sexy. I think not. I can guarantee that I wont wear a tie, wont don a pair of jeans or be sporting a tshirt. That just gives me a mental picture of me in a matching pair of bra and panties. Oh who am I kidding. I don't think Ill want to match at all.

I think Ill dress smart and sexy. Business has no place that evening. Unless duty calls...

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V has already left to catch his flight. He will be back in a week or two. I feel a little bad about not keeping in touch with him more while he was here. Ive been busy and I think he might have certain ideas of what might transpire the next time we are together. He has many ideas, I know, but he is first a gentleman and lets me set the pace.

He might not like the pace but I'm experimenting with paces. I get frustrated as well but its a learning process and I have a lot to learn. I am the grasshopper.

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B3 called me. I was a little busy and told him wed get together sometime next week. Possibly Thursday. He offered me his cell number which was the first time hes ever done that as I don't have any numbers to call him back when he leaves me messages. I didn't have a pen so I told him to give me a call another time and Id get it then.

I wonder if there's an expiry date on things like that. Like if its a one time offer only. We shall see. I'm not sure what we will do. Getting naked isn't an option yet so that will have to wait. Well, he will have to wait.

In a way I think I like not having his number. I know that for some people its a power thing. It is. I just don't let it affect me. I mean if he calls me then I'm in control because I don't have to agree to do anything with him and it shows that he wants to spend time with me. I can always say that I'm busy and he will have to call me back and he does.

Maybe he realizes what it is I have. The advantage. So now he wants to give me his number which I know I wont dial. Why, you ask? Just because. If he didn't want to give it to me when we first met which happens to have been over 6 months ago. I just don't know what changed in his life that is making him want to offer it up to me now.

Ill keep his number and I shouldn't say I wont dial his number. I might. Its not a plan at the moment but things happen for a reason and I don't know what the reason for this is. So I shall just life as it happens... happen. I'm not jumping up and down for joy, not like winning the lottery. Which I'm still waiting to win :)

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D and I had some fantastic sex for lunch. It was rushed, hurried and oh so intense. Its always a lot of fun when were both in the zone and were both there and were both just enjoying it all. The sights, the scents, the sounds, the everything. It was so good I had to change the sheets. The dynamics are changing between us. I'm not sure how things will proceed but its OK. I know that either way. Ill be OK.

I know that we both care about each other. We don't want anyone to get hurt. Though usually when you talk about that someone usually does :) No? Well maybe not always. Lets hope not.

Its the sex. Ill admit it keeps me wanting more. Have you ever heard of such an absurd reason. The sex is really good. I mean. Its spine tingling. The more I get, the more I want. That doesn't sound very smart but its the truth. I don't know if its healthy but the sex is great and having sex is healthy.

Then there's proximity. The more time we spend together the more time I want to spend with him. Take away that time spent together and the I miss it.

So my thing is now. Don't take things for granted and just make the best of the time that I am given.

Have a fantastic weekend and for those people venturing out for work related holiday festivities in the next few weeks. Remember.... Always Classy, Never Trashy.

295 - hope

This morning I woke up a little bit frustrated. I remember going to bed frustrated. I went out with BC last night. Nice guy. 35 yrs old, single and a Doctor. Cute and very attentive. Curious and inquisitive.

Its interesting to meet someone just as curious as I am. We started with some wine which loosened tongues. Which eventually turned to some slight kissing. I was a little undecided about what to do as far as how far I wanted to take it. The kissing part I could handle.

Kissing is something that I enjoy and I always feel like I'm out of practice. Its always different when kissing a new person as I'm not sure how they kiss. What kind of style they have and if it all fits with the way I like to kiss and be kissed. Of course there are many different ways to do it and there's always making the kiss unique to both people.

I'm a little curious to find out what people are thinking as they kiss. What do I think as I'm lip locked? Well last night my thoughts goes as follows and in no particular order... actually the first was the first thought. After that there's no order. I think.

How do you get yourself in these situations Darling.
Hmmmmm
Soft lips.
Warm lips.
Wet tongue.
Soft tongue.
I hope he doesn't slobber on me.
I wonder how long I have to kiss someone to get lock jaw?
Hmmm this is nice.
There's no rush
Enjoy
I wonder how long were going to kiss before his hands roam
Kissing is nice
I feel like I'm out of practice
Tongues are playful
There goes the hand roaming.
Nice hands
Warm hands
respectful hands.
I wonder if he would enjoy it if i sucked on his tongue a bit
Oh he does.
He really does.
Soft lips
No slobber.
I wonder if he thinks ill be sucking on other body parts.

On and on the thoughts went as the kissing went on and on. My blouse somehow becomes unbuttoned, due I'm sure to his roaming hands. My breasts seem to getting much attention lately. As lips, tongue and finger play with my breasts. Thoughts that go through my mind goes as follow and again no particular order other than the first which happens to be again. The first.

How do you get yourself into these situations Darling.
Soft lips.
Soft tongue.
Wet tongue.
I'm not naked.
Why didn't I wear a bra?
Wearing what I was wearing didn't require a bra.
Silly
Plus I like the lace.
Sexy
Its nice looking down and watching someone.
Pleasure me.

We move things to the bed and its oh so comfortable. I just want to lay back, close my eyes and fall into the softness until I'm refreshed and ready to get up for the next day. It might be a bit insulting if I mention that I would rather sleep than have sex. As much as I wanted to him to take me I wanted the bed to take me instead. Both would have been satisfying in different ways.

He mentions that he would be happy with kissing as he thinks I'm a great kisser. I tease him and ask him what made him think that there would be anything more. He stammers for a moment and says that he could only hope...

285 - a little nervous

I'm a little nervous today. I'm not 100% sure why. Just one of those uneasy feelings in my tummy.

It could be and these are reasons that might be why.

I know D is having a 'discussion' with someone about something that's very important to him and I know that I had a hand in it. Not purposely but inadvertently.

I have my doctors appointment today. I hope everything checks out OK.

Ive told work about the appointment with my Doctor but I didn't mention all the other things I have to do afterwards. Ill mention that the time frame is unknown for how long Ill be gone so that might make me feel better.

Those are the major things I'm thinking could be contributing to my unease for the day.

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Random thoughts that are going through my mind this morning.

Reminder that Ill be bartending tonight, Friday night and possibly one day this weekend.
Ill have to write up a list of things to do so I get them done and don't fall behind.

The Big Dog is looking a bit sad as Ive been busy lately and I know I miss her and shes probably thinking the same. Things will die down soon I think.

Halloween is one night where ladies get to play out fantasy roles by dressing up a little bit riskier. Its interesting to me what people choose to go as as I think it might be an indication of what kind of underlying silent wants they have in mind. Just a thought.

Bumping into people after get a great haircut and looking fabulous is such an adrenaline rush.

A friend of mine recently got a part time job working in a Wine Store where she gets to try a bottle of wine a week. This is going to be the start of a fantastic self taught wine course. Which I would like to follow up with an actual bona fide class.

The Wine and Food show at The Congress Center is not only a great place to learn about wine and interesting food. Its also a great place to meet people. Also known as A Meat Market.

Nov 3rd and 4th. Ive yet to decide which day I will attend and with whom. My sister is a likely choice though, we shall see how our schedules work.

Advice
Dress to impress ladies.
Steer clear of the Screech.
Also steer clear of the opposite sex... not all of them.. just those that are...
- slurring
- wavering... while standing.
- vomiting
- loud and obnoxious... impaired by alcohol or not, they should be avoided.

Ive been a little off with replies to any emails. I'm starting back up with them and there's a good sized chuck of guilt hanging on my shoulder. I believe that if someone takes the time to send me an email they deserve a reply. It meant that someone thought of me for a moment or few and I should return the same courtesy.

I think its because I feel a little bit boring and don't feel like I have anything exciting to share or talk about. Such is life. A big ball of perception.

One of the girls I work with is turning out to be someone that is really cool/fun. Maybe once I leave this company we'll be able to hang out every so often.

One of my male coworkers has just been hit with a meteor of a whammy. The girl hes been in love with for the past say 4 years just told him that she is pregnant. Hes come to me for advise. I told him I'm not qualified. I might confuse him even more. He still wanted to hear it so I gave it to him and now I find myself with a lost puppy. Looking to focus his attentions on someone else.

I hope the direction of his focus is not Yours Truly. On a few occasions there have been remarks to that effect to which I have ignored and failed to respond to. Hes in a fragile state and I don't know how delicate I need to be. Sometimes I'm not so delicate in my words even though I mean them to be.

Who knew!?!?!

I hope that getting my passport will bring forth a vacation of some sort. You know what they say. Thinking of it is the first step to making it happen. Ive thought. Ive done. Ive yet to get the tickets. :)

Oh and I guess Ill have to pay rent sometime soon. The good news and bad news? I could have been collecting air miles since Ive moved in and havent as Ive been using a different bank card to pay for rent. Silly me. Ill be taking advantage now that I know :)

Hope everyone had a Safe and Happy Halloween!

282 - closer and closer

I know Ive been lacking in my posts. I apologize. Ive got tons of posts started that just needs a bit more work. Not having the Internet at home really doesn't help.


On the work front. Things are going well at work. I find myself looking forward to leaving. Ive been with this company going on 5 years and its just time for a change. This new position I'm vying for is something that I'm not 100% sure of. But change is good and this will be a change.


I'm nervous about it but there's a training period and its a wait and see kind of situation. If I don't get the position then that's OK. Ill just be here until I find something else. Ive heard of people doing it the opposite way. Leave the current job first then find something after. I'm not that much of a risk taker so Ill do it this way.

On the family front. My aunts who I haven't seen for more than 15 years will be spending the Christmas holidays with us. I think this will be the first time in a very long time that all the sisters will be spending a holiday together. It will be nice but it will also be very strained as I'm sure being a family get together. Ill be subjected to spending time with someone I would rather not.


My sister is thinking of moving to San Diego. She'll be able to do her class work by correspondence which comes in handy. I'm not sure of the timeline that shes looking at. This depends on when her boy friend gets accepted to teach English in Japan. Its all a wait and see.


My dad is in Puerto Rico and will be there for a while. I sent him an email asking him if hes been following the news of the fires in San Diego. I asked him if his place was affected and Ive yet to hear back from him. I know hes busy so I'm not worried. I am worried about his place there and how things are if its in the area of the fires.


Its my dads Birthday this Friday. We've got a package to send him but seeing as hes in Puerto Rico. We'll be holding on to it until hes back home.


My brother is planning on getting the new Xbox 360. I asked him what his plans were for the one he will be replacing and Ive somewhat convinced him that its new home should be my apartment. I'm not a huge fan of video games. Though I do like fighting games like Street fighter. I don't play long or often, for when I do, my thumb muscles get tired quickly and sometimes cramp up.

The Big dog and I ran through an new area where there's lots of bushes and shrubbery for her to inspect. I think something bit her tail as there looks to be a bug bite of some sort which drives her bonkers. Bonkers as in running around chasing her tail. Makes me shake my head and smile at her silliness.


Speaking of dogs. My sister has asked me to take care of hers when she moves and I do and I don't. I feel bad as it is not being home for The Big dog and having another one will just double the guilt. We shall see. Maybe I could make a bid for her fish. Though I think shes planning on making them a package deal. Dogs and fish go together.


One of my girlfriends. The one in The Penalty Box seems to have redeemed herself somewhat. I have yet to remove her from TPB which seems to work because when shes not in it, things seem to fall to the wayside. I'm bringing dinner over tonight and shes making the pina coladas. She didn't make it right. Its mostly alcohol but that's how we like it. It really packs a punch.


I told her it wont be a late night tonight as Ive got the next stage schedule for tomorrow. I imagine Ill be in bed by 9:30-10pm tonight. Bright and early tomorrow at 8am is when Ive got to be on the ball. Ive warned her Ill just be having 2 drinks and nothing more.


Lunch with D today. Ive left it up to him today. He gets to decide what to do. I'm happy either way. That is if we go to a restaurant for lunch or if we go Chez Darling. Its pretty interesting, all this. How I teeter sometimes from one side to the other. I'm amused by it all and I'm aware theres a risk for something that I might not like but there's also the benefit for something pleasant. Who knows?


I'm not in the market for a relationship. D and I are both in agreement with that. We each have our own reasons for it. So its neat that were OK with how things are. I know I might, sort of, could complicate things by fairy taling it. Though I think in time it will just as things do. Fizzle.


I'm aware I do it though and bring myself back to reality. The only person I share it with is my sister and well... of course you.

So its well after lunch as you can tell and D and I had an interesting conversation. If I get this new job. D and I will be coworkers. Ive never fooled around or been with a coworker and neither has he and we both go by the no hanky panky with co workers. This puts me in a funny pair of slippers and I'm kind of sad.

Ill still want to be with him and I still want to get the job. Another case of wanting to have my cake and eat it too. He says we'll see. I'm OK with it if it has to come to that but I wont be ecstatic about it. I mean. Who would be?

Just another thing to think about which makes it interesting. I cant complain too much. I have my health, my home, friends and family and if worse comes to worse. Ill have BOB around more often than not.

Tomorrow is another big day in the me getting the new job dept. So keep me in mind and send me good, calm and focused thoughts :)

Closer and closer...

281 - Conundrum!!

The hydro in my building was shut off from 9-4 yesterday. So when D and I made our way to the elevators a sign was up saying it was out of order and apologies for inconveniences were up as well.

I didn't end up having the lunch I was expecting. Not too happy about it. The thought of walking up 12 flights of stairs for a quickie and then walking down those stairs again wasn't very sexy so we went out for lunch instead.

It was a lovely lunch, we talked and my mind wandered to other things we could be doing. Imagining us in other places where we would be able to do certain things...

I find myself somewhat shy again with D. I cant explain it its just one of those things that happens every so often. It may be due to me stepping back to see how things are. Maybe the other girl that hell be seeing in Venezuela. Or it may be... something or another. I just am. Its probably because I do like him. I don't know.

So this trip hasn't been booked yet and I really cant say anything though I do want to talk to him about it. I'm sure at some point I will bring it up. Maybe not the details of his trip but why it might be bothering me. Its OK. It is how it is. I will speak my mind. No matter the consequences.

Speaking of speaking my mind. I had to bite my tongue at work. I think my performance here is really good. I do my job and I do my job well. I was recently told that I wasn't allowed to take 10 minutes away from my desk without telling anyone where I am going. (I was away for less than 10 min) and I realize that I am back in grade school. I wanted to say something... actually a few things but I didn't. Its work.

I bit my tongue and have decided to buy a pack of cigarettes. Not for me to smoke... but to be able to go out and have a moment to myself. Ive decided to let the cigarette stick burn itself to the halfway point and then I will return to my desk.

I don't mind people who smoke but when there's no word to those people who smoke about the amount of time they are away from their desk and I do. That is not fair. So, I, with the rest of the smokers will have equal amounts of time to indulge in ... habits. Mine will just be coupled with cell phone usage. Don't worry Ill keep an eye out on the cigarette. I wouldn't want this place to burn down.

I guess the closer I am to getting this new position, this makes me a little bit more on the edge at work here. It is time and I hope that it all goes well and that I do have the opportunity to leave here. Ive been here for the past 5 years and Ive reached the glass ceiling.. a while ago.

I'm excited about the new job but I'm also nervous about not getting it. My thought process goes as follows

- I'm excited about leaving this place
- I'm nervous about not getting the new job
- Because that means Ill still be stuck here until I start the process of looking again..
- Change is good but scary sometimes. I like sure things and I'm not sure Ill get the job.
- That's just being cautious. I'm optimistic that Ill get it but just not sure.
- Doubt... blech!
- I'm kind of worried that I'm looking forward to it too much that it wont happen.
- I hope that that's just one of those silly thoughts that I get once in a while.
- Is giving 2 weeks really something I have to do? will 1 suffice?
- I know that if I leave they will find someone to replace me.
- That's OK. I do my job and I do it well. No one can do it better or as efficient :)
- Or so I like to tell myself.
- Its the truth though :)

About tonight. Ive already told my girlfriend I'm not meeting with her tonight. She had big plans for me to hang out with her at her boyfriends place again. I declined.

Meeting with N... I'm nervous as I'm having a fat day. We shall see how it goes.

D is getting off of work early and then meeting his friends for dinner at 7:30. Then might meet me for drinks.

Conundrum alert! Want to meet with N and hang out with D as well. What to do what to do. I'm surprised this doesn't happen more often. LOL Actually I lied. it does happen often but Ive been really good as managing my schedule. This one just jumped out of nowhere and I wasn't the one in charge of whens.

Will update.