378 - What is it about a man

What is it about a man?

What is it about a man that I look at? What makes me decide that I want him? and what is it that I want him for if he doesn't make the grade? How bad is that? That if he doesn't make the cut... I wonder how I can somehow fit him into my life.

This post might be enlightening. For you? A little degrading for me. But honest.

When I meet a man. I always look forward to the best possibility. Who knows what that possibility could be. Just the best. Who doesn't want the best?

At first glance. At first meeting. Its an interview of sorts. Its true within a few minutes I can have a general sense of where it might go. If it will go anywhere or not. Ill find out if I am attracted to them physically. Though sometimes its difficult to tell because of all the clothes he has on.

Don't you ever wonder what the other person looks like naked before you get to that point? Just so you know if there is anything that might be a turn off or off putting or a deal breaker? I mean sometimes I want to see what Ill be getting before I get there to make sure that Its actually something I want to ... do.

So in my head I wonder what they look like naked. I also want to know all their bad habits. Their pet peeves and what ticks them off. Their deal breakers, annoying habits and anything that people might not like about them. Because I just want to know and get that out of the way.

As far as the good things about them, the funny quirks, the endearing habitual movements I can wait on because that's what I want to get to know in time. Like little surprises. The rest I want to know up front and at the beginning of a courtship if I can call it that so I know if there is something that I really wouldn't be able to handle then it can be dealt with without any awkward moments of thinking you've lead someone on, that you've become something special to them and so on.

Also at the beginning of a courtship as Ill call it from now on even though it sounds more romantic than I'm making it out to be. I also want to find out what it is they really are looking for. What kind of woman they are looking for because I want to know if what they are looking for is... well. Me.

If I can decide that they are looking for someone or something that I cannot provide or offer then there is no point in continuing this... courtship. So better luck next time and hope you find what you're looking for.

Why do I want that? Well because I know me best and I know what I can offer and If I am a match to their description then we move along.

I'm not saying someone will one day describe me to the T but if its somewhere in the vicinity then why wouldn't I think it would be a good match and why not continue with this person because he seems to be looking for someone... something like ... me.

Now that I think about it. it feels a little like I'm cheating, stacking the odds? But don't most people do something of the like? Maybe not as out and open as I do it but don't most people do that? Some people do mass dating, serial dating to some but its all to get closer to finding that one person.

Maybe I'm just in a loopy mood tonight. Introspective is the word I'm looking for.

Take SE. Pretty boy. Can make me think naughty thoughts and all hes wearing is a pair of rip away pants and white shirt. The thing is... once hes naked... it doesn't illicit the same naughty thoughts as when hes fully clothed. Strange? I am.

D? Can fill out a pair of jeans and long sleeve vneck and have me wanting to touch him even if its me squeezing his arm for a moment. Naughty thoughts well at warp speed. Then naked it takes it to a whole new level and I wonder how I can have my mouth in more the one place on his body at the same time.

With A who I have yet to take to second base I don't know if I could handle it going that far. Not for me but because for him it would take this to a whole new world of courtship. Did I mention that A has offered to ' take care of me'? I hope you are no longer wondering why I haven't let it go further.

SJ is new and is a little amorous because of his ummm preference for women with ample... assets. Not that I think mine are anything to talk about in the locker room but he seems very interested in getting together due to the many different things he would be able to... do.

C has made a return. I have yet to decide what Id like to do with him but I know for certain that it wont be how it was when we were together briefly. Ive grown a little bit and know what I want more than I did before so I hope that hell be receptive of how Ive become a little.... less submissive.

SB came for a visit last week and it was nice. Hes got some ideas that I am not sure of as it will tip the balance of who is in control... and I'm a girl who likes the reins. Even when it looks like I don't its only because I let them think I don't have it

Spring is fast approaching and so The Soup seem to realize this and are aware that spring brings out a new season and.... wardrobe :) Not only those in The Soup are aware of this. So are those not included.

People will be feeling more... amorous and well... I hope to take advantage and be right in the thick of things.

372 - comparing vaginas

** Please note... there are no pictures of vaginas in this post :)


SE is a big vagina. The slightest tremor and he goes and shows off how big a vagina he is. There that was me being mean. But I laughed. Does that count as being mean if it makes me laugh? Probably.

He doesn't want to deal with me because I confuse him at the best of times. He has other things to worry about and cant deal with 'us'. Maybe in the future we'll see how things go.

I'm taking that as a thank you but no thank you... for the moment. It might not but my first reaction is to be angry and let down.

My reaction confuses me which I'm OK with because what is my life without a lot of confusion?? So that's whats going on there but on the other hand this works fine for me because I really cant be with someone who has a bigger vag than I do :)

Ill be eating those words later on if something should happen with SE. We shall see.

I spoke to a friend of mine this past weekend and he helped me calm down. I had a bit of a sad weekend where I had to deal with the issues that are all happening at the same time and I needed someone to distract me and it helped. Thank you G.

I'm getting into old habits that might be construed as self destructive. Depends on how you look at it of course. Its all about perspective.

There is crisis in my sisters love life as shes patterning herself after me.. a lesser version which is good because I'm a bit much to take sometimes. More watered down version of me might sound better? No? Didn't think so.

So Ive had a few more years and a more men than shes had to deal with and I trying to coach her through some things but there are just some things that needs to be learnt by herself. The art of finessing is something that she'll have to figure out on her own. Ive given her guidelines but told her shed have to work the details to match herself.

She gets frustrated with it and situations she finds herself in but the best thing Ive told her is that shes not the first nor will be the last one to go through it. I tell her to rest easy with the knowledge that there are ways to come out on top even if the situation leaves you in pieces.

Time. Sometimes she rushes and I tell her not to. To enjoy it all the small moments that seem meaningless. Why rush? If in the end you know there will be an end. Why not enjoy the small things and appreciate them more.

The answer to that is. Because it hurts. To have put meaning into something small makes it hurt more in the end. But to me, the more it hurt... the more it meant something. I want everything to mean something, my life, what I do, what I say and so on. I must be a glutton for hurt and pain then. We all pay a price. Mine just happens to be this.

How twisted is that? When my thoughts run that way my outlook is completely different from most of the population and makes me feel like an outsider when it comes to friendships, relationships and acquaintances.

Such is the price of being unique. The fun part is slipping into friendships, relationships and having acquaintances without them having a clue at how deep the twist goes :)


Ohhhh and what do you think of the boots?

Darlings Double D's

Don't drink 1.5 litres of water in 15 minutes. You end up taking a stroll to the lavatory more often than is socially acceptable. Its a great thing to do though to drink water. So make sure that you continue that. Just... not all at once. Im not sure the body appreciates it very much.

Do prepare a meal for people you enjoy with the people you enjoy. Its a great way to bring people together and the end result sometimes isnt as important as the time spent together. Have wine to toast each other and the good things in life.

Don't walk barefoot in sketchy areas. Its not just rocks and gravel on the ground. Be careful and be safe.

Do walk with confidence. Even if you dont feel confident. It translates and it will come. People will notice and will gravitate towards you.

354 - workings of my mind

What do I truly deserve? That is a good question. I'm not sure if I can have anything but a biased answer. What do I want? I can answer that but would it be what I deserved? I know what I need and I also question if that's what I deserve. Other peoples idea of what I deserve is just that an opinion. Some good, some bad and some just plain unrealistic.

By denying myself something am I intentionally hurting my chances of getting what I deserve?

When it comes to D I'm lost with that question. I know I cant have him to myself. So I make the best of it? I'm not sure why I added that question mark by the way. I was going to delete it but I decided to leave it there and think about it another time.

Its overcast here. I'm sitting on my balcony with The Big Dog. Enjoying the weather. Somehow it feeds my emotions for the day. It feels like nothing is happening in the city. Like everyone is quiet and resting. Time to contemplate and blog :)

That's not the case of course. Theres so many things happening today. Business as usual, The Bluesfest is on. People are recovering from H.O.P.E beach volleyball and so on.

Back to my meanderings. I was seriously thinking of what and where this thing is going with D. I was scared that at some point I would look back and think that Ive wasted my time, that I stopped myself from meeting other people and going out with other people for him. Sometimes it happens. More often than not actually you know how that works. Whether its happened to you or someone you know. They meet someone, immersed themselves in the relationship and slowly distanced themselves from friends, family and other people to focus on their relationship and each other.

D and I agreed we didn't want it to ever come to that point. One day last week something in my mind turned, a light was turned on. One could look at it that way. Or you could also look at it this way, that another light has burnt out and I found another excuse.

The realization was that this might be as good as it gets with D. I say that and sometimes depending on my mood I'm sad. Other times it makes so much sense.

I look at it this way. Whenever D and I get together. Its always good times. Its going out for drinks after work. Having breakfast, lunch or dinner. Having great conversations. Enjoying each other mentally and sexually. Being honest with where we stand and try and help each other out when we are able to.

We spend a lot of time together talking, sharing and laughing. Its all good times. Even with the times where I have moments of confusion and want more than I can have. Its still good that were that open and can talk about it all and work things out if we can.

Its all good times. Rarely is there an argument. When one of us, mainly me has an issue to bring up, we talk about it. I let it out, share it, get it out of my head and system so it doesn't stew and get worse. We talk about it. He helps me understand, he explains and that reminds me that hes a great person and I want to stay friends and not ruin that.

I don't know what his bad habits are. What his little things he does that annoy me are unknown. I see him and spend time with him and its fun. Theres always things to talk about and always something to look forward to when we go our separate ways.

So I ask myself how can it get better than it is. How will us say.. living together make it better. When then Ill have to reveal maybe how anal I am about things. How I might find out how he puts in a new roll of toilet paper. How he might not pick up after himself.

Its as good as it gets I think. For now. Don't get me wrong. I'm a die hard fan of the fairy tale of holy matrimony and happily ever after. I just don't think it will happen soon. Now. Maybe ever. But there is still hope.

So in the meantime am I denying myself? Yes. Am I being denied something that I deserve? Maybe. Its all relative and all in ones perspective. But when it comes with an understanding and a little twist of way of thinking. I think that maybe one might think I am others might think I'm really smart for keeping things the way it is.

I know that I am seeing other people. So to me that can be seen as not closing the door on the possibility of what I deserve.

Welcome to the workings of my mind. However twisted or brilliant. Whichever way you want to look at it.

324 - in the air

They are on a hiring frenzie here at J1. The rest of the group is a bit put off by it, because not only are they hiring someone to replace me. They are looking to hire a second person as well. They have each individually spoken to management and brought up the topic of a raise and that was turned down.

Someone put it this way. 'They need to hire two people to replace you?' I just laughed at that and silently agreed.

Instead of keeping their current employees happy they will go ahead and hire someone newOK 2 new people now. Im not sure why that is as they will save more money by giving everyone a raise. Keep them happy and show them that they are valued as employees. When the department brings in, in one month 45 Gs more than the same month the year before. Theres room to share the wealth, just a tiny bit of it.

There are 2 other people in my dept who are looking for something different. They are seeing that there is no give from the company even when they are working hard and producing. I dont blame them. One day after theyve hired enough people and are trying to figure out why they cant hold on to their employees they might decide to make the position a little more attractive by making it more attractive.

So Im happy that I have found something new and different. Im nervous about it but thats normal. They are calling for 25+ cm of snow starting today. Im not looking forward to that. I think it will be a movie night in.

I see D once a week now that our schedules are insane again. I miss him a little but not enough to make me do anything rash. He calls me throughout the day and we talk for a while. Its nice. Im not asking to see more of him. I shouldnt have to. Its at a point where Im backing away little by little.

I went out with one of my girlfriends who works with someone that wants to meet me. I asked her if I knew him and she said no. I asked her how he knew about me and she has mentioned me a few times in their conversations. She wants to set us up. I told her to go for it.

I told her a few things regarding The Soup and how things are going there and she asked me if I had time to meet with J2. I said Id make time. Its never THAT busy. I can always make time to meet with someone for 30 min to see if theres anything there to pursue. No matter if they dont make it in The Soup for any reason. That doesnt mean were not meant to be friends.

I have missed 2 of J1s calls. Im undecided about J. Im thinking of how I can fit J into my schedule and how much maintenance it will be to keep him in The Soup. Here are my thoughts. He is mobile which works for me as he lives about a 45 minute drive from me and Im not familiar with his area and well... Im just not a fan of long commutes.

His only mode of communication is the telephone. Which I usally dont mind as thats usually the best way to get me. But I do enjoy the occaional email. What I dont like is that he only calls me between 4-5pm. If I should be busy and in the middle of something or tied up :) I dont have a number to reach him so I just leave it to him to get in touch with me and leave messages if he cant get me.

Which makes me think that he has either a girlfriend/wife that wouldnt appreciate a message left for him from yours truly. I know youre thinking that I should just ask for his number but Ill pass. That means that I have the ability to call him, which I wont. So theres no real point in having it.

We shall see.

I heard from A and hes working on something and will call me back to let me know. Hes another elusive one. Im glad nothing sexual has happened between us. (for now) As it seems it would be a vanishing act after the act. I hear from him every few weeks if that. So I wouldnt want to get physically involved with someone that I knew wasnt... reliable, consistent or detailed. But things could always turn around. Who knows!?

M3 is thinking of coming to Ottawa for a night if my plans for a vacation dont go through. Im undecided there as he has certain ideas and Im all for them but on my time. I tell him that it will happen just not when he wants it because I dont plan things all the time. When things are planned I feel out of place. IE. Planning to go out for dinner and drinks is ok. What happens during dinner and while were having drinks is unknown. Hes got ideas of going to a place and having this done and that done and then continue to do this and that.


That doesnt do it for me and really doesnt do him any good as it just turns me off and away from wanting to do things with him. I try to tell him that but when thats all hes thinking of and hes thinking that hes lucky that I havent slapped him in the face and walked away. I think he thinks I like it but I dont. Again Ive told him and he just wont listen.

What he doesnt understand is that we will get together and when we do we will.. do things. It just wont be how he thinks it will happen. Leave some spontenaity in it. I told him that expecting things to happen a certain way will only leave him disappointed.

If I happen not to go away for a week I think Ill visit a friend of mine in Toronto. Time away for relaxing. Things are all up in the air.

318 - sinking in.. Florida

D and I talked before he left. I felt a little out of sorts talking about it as I wasn't sure what I could and couldn't talk to him about. In the end I let it all out and he was OK with it all. He understood. He felt bad that there were things that he couldn't help with but he would try to see what he could do.

I told him that it was good enough that he listened. That I wasn't sure who I could talk to about any of that seeing that it had to do with the both of us. I asked him silly things like if there was anything between us. If there was anything between us that would last. If in a few years we would be something more than what we are now.

I told him that I miss sleeping with someone. Not sex. Just someone to lie in bed with sometimes. I miss the closeness I guess, the intimacy with him. We have other moments together Its just not all the moments. I told him I knew that he wouldn't be able to. I told him I knew that it was important for him to be there when Little D gets up in the morning. I told him that it was part of the attraction for me that he had Little D and that I find him a fantastic Dad.

I told him that I knew he wouldn't be able to spend the night because of that and I understood. I just wanted to know if he thought about it... and in my mind I thought Id be pleased if the least he said was yes hes thought about it and if he was able to he would. Just hearing him say it would make me feel better.

My question to him was. If you could would you want to? I got from him, 'I completely understand where you're coming from and its not out there that you have been thinking about it. I knew this issue would come up sometime but I wasn't sure when. You don't know how much I want to and there will be times with this schedule that I will be able to stay until the wee hours of the morning. I will be leaving to be home for when Little D gets up. That's important to me too.'

Throughout the conversation I cried. I cried because it was nice to talk to him about it. It felt good. I cried because of his answers and how much I needed to hear him say things that I only thought of. I cried because I didn't have to hide it.

I asked him if thought I was totally out of line asking these questions and even if he thought they were he said 'no not at all. I'm glad you talk to me about these things it helps us work it out together and keeps it all on the table.'

We somehow went to talking about arrangements like these and I asked him if this is how it usually goes. He didn't know how to answer that and I asked him how what we have is different from the others that he has had. He told me that they don't usually last this long. That they usually don't understand that Little D is his #1 and that it doesn't usually last past a month or so.

He said he would understand if I didn't want to continue the arrangement that we have and if I wanted to just be friends then that's OK with him. He says that's not what he would do but he would understand. He said hes happy with how things are between us and he wants to make sure that I am OK and comfortable with it all. If not then we can just.. be friends.

He said that what we have is new to him too. Its nice to know that its uncharted territory for the both of us. In the end I admitted that the realization that there might not be a future between us was sinking in. I cried, he listened.

It wasn't the greatest conversation but it was one that felt liberating. I don't know how things will be when he gets back. I do miss him. I miss his voice. The phone calls to and from each other. I miss his body. I miss what he does to mine.

I'm cant make a commitment to someone that cant do the same for me. I do have feelings for him and I don't think that will change. I do need to continue on. Ill always be there for as long as he wants me in his life. Hell be in mine as long as he wants to. I don't see myself throwing a friendship away.

He sent a few text messages yesterday and that was nice. I told him to have fun and not to do anything I would do and his reply was really? I can do all that?

Cheeky huh? LOL

In continuing on. I will be going to Florida sometime in early February with M3 for a couple of days if our schedule works out. We will meet each other there.

Cheesecake with AR last night went really well. Hope to see more of each other in the near future.

Got a phone call from Brazil who was in New Brunswick visiting his parents. He was in Ottawa but didn't have my phone number so he wasn't able to find me. He doesn't know where I live either. It was nice to hear from him and to know that Ive been on his mind a lot. He is thinking of moving back but isn't sure of when.

Things are looking up. D will be back Monday. We'll see how things go.

296 - Give me more

BC wants to see me again before he leaves. That's nice. Ill have to try to rearrange my schedule as its pretty busy the next few days. I know hes leaving this Sunday morning so I'm thinking the only time Ill have will be for Saturday early afternoon.

Before the Christmas Party that J1 puts on every year. The memo came out saying.

To: All Employees

From: The Head Poncho (name withheld for obvious reasons)

This year the Christmas Party will be held at 'La Di Da' (Not an actual place) which is located at 'Do Si Do' -sic- (Also not an actual address) It is near this road and that road. Which reminds me to map quest it so I know where Ill be going.

It will be held Saturday December 1 2007 at 7:00pm.

As usual it is necessary to obtain as soon as possible, the number of people which will attend in order to cater appropriately.

Please submit your intentions including your spouse or friend to your respective department managers.

Dress code will be smart business casual, no tie, no jeans, or tshirts.

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My intentions is not to make out with my date who is my sister no matter how many people ask me to and no matter how much people offer us. That will just not do.

My intentions are to be a more accountable person and to be more disciplined in various areas of life.

Are these the kinds of intentions they are looking for?

Or would be along the lines of I intend not to sneak out of work early or make fun of other people.

What happens if peoples intentions are not honorable?

So they want me to dress like I normally do for work. Dropping my sexy. I think not. I can guarantee that I wont wear a tie, wont don a pair of jeans or be sporting a tshirt. That just gives me a mental picture of me in a matching pair of bra and panties. Oh who am I kidding. I don't think Ill want to match at all.

I think Ill dress smart and sexy. Business has no place that evening. Unless duty calls...

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V has already left to catch his flight. He will be back in a week or two. I feel a little bad about not keeping in touch with him more while he was here. Ive been busy and I think he might have certain ideas of what might transpire the next time we are together. He has many ideas, I know, but he is first a gentleman and lets me set the pace.

He might not like the pace but I'm experimenting with paces. I get frustrated as well but its a learning process and I have a lot to learn. I am the grasshopper.

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B3 called me. I was a little busy and told him wed get together sometime next week. Possibly Thursday. He offered me his cell number which was the first time hes ever done that as I don't have any numbers to call him back when he leaves me messages. I didn't have a pen so I told him to give me a call another time and Id get it then.

I wonder if there's an expiry date on things like that. Like if its a one time offer only. We shall see. I'm not sure what we will do. Getting naked isn't an option yet so that will have to wait. Well, he will have to wait.

In a way I think I like not having his number. I know that for some people its a power thing. It is. I just don't let it affect me. I mean if he calls me then I'm in control because I don't have to agree to do anything with him and it shows that he wants to spend time with me. I can always say that I'm busy and he will have to call me back and he does.

Maybe he realizes what it is I have. The advantage. So now he wants to give me his number which I know I wont dial. Why, you ask? Just because. If he didn't want to give it to me when we first met which happens to have been over 6 months ago. I just don't know what changed in his life that is making him want to offer it up to me now.

Ill keep his number and I shouldn't say I wont dial his number. I might. Its not a plan at the moment but things happen for a reason and I don't know what the reason for this is. So I shall just life as it happens... happen. I'm not jumping up and down for joy, not like winning the lottery. Which I'm still waiting to win :)

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D and I had some fantastic sex for lunch. It was rushed, hurried and oh so intense. Its always a lot of fun when were both in the zone and were both there and were both just enjoying it all. The sights, the scents, the sounds, the everything. It was so good I had to change the sheets. The dynamics are changing between us. I'm not sure how things will proceed but its OK. I know that either way. Ill be OK.

I know that we both care about each other. We don't want anyone to get hurt. Though usually when you talk about that someone usually does :) No? Well maybe not always. Lets hope not.

Its the sex. Ill admit it keeps me wanting more. Have you ever heard of such an absurd reason. The sex is really good. I mean. Its spine tingling. The more I get, the more I want. That doesn't sound very smart but its the truth. I don't know if its healthy but the sex is great and having sex is healthy.

Then there's proximity. The more time we spend together the more time I want to spend with him. Take away that time spent together and the I miss it.

So my thing is now. Don't take things for granted and just make the best of the time that I am given.

Have a fantastic weekend and for those people venturing out for work related holiday festivities in the next few weeks. Remember.... Always Classy, Never Trashy.

273 - back seat adventures

I knew it was odd that things seem to be going so well and without any interesting happenings in my life. Odd happenings that is. One of those.. you mean that doesn't only happen in movies. Or, you have to be kidding, those things don't really happen to real people.

My story for the day and involves me, a car, being locked in and not finding the trunk release for my freedom.

Lets not ask about why I got in the car please

I tried doors on each side. None would open. I flicked the power locks in the front on and off and tried the back doors again. They wouldn't open. I sat. I thought. I got an idea. I put the 60/40 split seats down and crawled into the trunk. My skirt riding up and I'm sure had anyone else been there would have gotten a show. However I'm sure that had someone else been there I would not have been in that situation to begin with.

My 4 inch heels still on my feet could have come off but I kept them on. For the sake of propriety of course. I didn't want to be seen dishevelled upon my rescue. I might not be in the best situation but I sure was going to look great in it.

The upper half of my body clearly inside the trunk. I search for the trunk release which Ive heard comes standard on new cars nowadays. I don't have a clue what it looks like. But I know it should be somewhere. My lower body is pointed right out the front window and every so often Ill twist to see if there is anyone out there just watching me instead of saving me.

There was no one. I continued to pull press and tug on anything that could have been the trunk release. I had an amusing thought. This came to mind as I'm trying to free myself from a locked car. Why is it every time I'm looking for something and cant find it Man and G spot come to mind?

In complicated situations I'm Ms Cool, calm and fashionably attired. I try a few more times to find the trunk release. I conclude after my attempts that this car is missing a most important feature a trunk release. Well, it would have been an important feature specially if others found themselves in a similar situation. I wonder how many people would have thought to try to get out through the trunk.

I look at my trusty cell phone. Since I cant get myself out of this mess. Ive thought of everything I could do barring smashing any windows. I dialed and called someone to get me out. A co-worker.

Who laughed at me but said he would come to the rescue. Oh good. It was starting to get hot in the backseat. I rearranged everything and waited. I kept an eye out and realized there was no way to keep this quiet. Its too bizarre to keep a secret. I see CW walking towards the car in question and just as hes one car away I lean up and honk the horn twice which makes him look up and start to jog ahead in front of the car I am in and right on by...

Just like that. My rescue was no more. I called and couldn't get through to him to let him know where I was and I called a couple of other people a few minutes later to see if hes returned. No luck.

I sat and set the alarm off a couple of times. By accident. I wasn't trying to draw attention to myself. Although I should start saying that I was. I really wasn't trying to. I was just trying to see if any of the doors would open and no it did not.

Finally someone that I recognized that worked in the building, but didn't know very well was walking by and I couldn't really be picky about who it was that gets me out of the car so I honked the horn and his attention was caught. I smiled and beckoned him over and after he laughed at my situation helped me out of the car.

Most of the building knows about my little escapade. The FAQs of the day

Are you OK?
What were you doing in the backseat of the car?
How did you get locked in?
What were you doing in the trunk?

and my favorite one.

Why didn't you just crawl into the front and get out that way?

I of course as a child wasn't subjected, and I have no children nor do I know many people who use this feature. The child safety lock. So I'm not thinking of this as I'm in the car. I'm thinking the doors in the back don't work. Try the front ones? I must have had a brain fart though I did try to use the power locks. I can see how some people panic in certain sitautions. Some people freak out, others have memory lapses.

So I'm very embarrassed and yet I'm so delightfully happy that I can share this story and have other people laugh with me.

I'm OK and I'm safe. I know you shook your head at me a couple of times but I also know that you had a chuckle reading this.

Plan for tonight is a run with the dog while my laundry is in the wash. Then working out with Denise or Carmen. A shower then a nap to get ready for some midnight painting the town red with D.

270 - as of late

Friday.

Date night.. technically not a date. I just call it a date. Not to his face but here :) In the privacy of my little corner of cyberspace. With you because I know you wont go running to anyone that I know.

Started of well. Looked extra fantastic. Ill leave it to your imagination as to what I was wearing underneath my clothes. Looked good, smelled great, felt superb.

Met with D and we ordered and talked and laughed and teased.

Then I see a number on my cell phone that I dont recognize. I pick up thinking should I? Soemthing tells me yes. I do. Its my Aunt. Shes called to tell me that the procedure my Gramma got done (hysterectomy) went well. Though during the procedure she had a heart attack and was rushed to the Heart Institure in Ottawa. I got the relevant information.

Eyes got teary when D asked me if I was ok. I told him what happened and he gave me a hug. I wont go into how much I needed one.

I left, got lost and eventually found myself calling my sister telling her what happened. I went to pick her up and we both went on a journey to find parking.

Shes ok. Looks good. They inserted a stunt/stint? which took care of the clots and the clogged area. D's Dad was at the Heart Institute when he had a heart attack and he was telling me it was the ebst place to be for that.


Left Gramma to sleep and drove everyone home. Walked The Big Dog and finally went to bed at 2am.

Saturday.


Slept in. Thankfully. Made breakfast. Looked at myself in the mirror while questioning my life due to recent events to someone elses life. It feels a bit surreal. Someone I know and am related to is in the hospital... again.


I dont do well with sickness and things like this. My Aunt was diagnosed with Cancer and I felt awkward about it. Nothing to do with them. Its me.


My thoughts are not right. My thoughts go to mind over matter. Or is that called avoidance, ignorance, escapism? Just convince your body its not riddled with cancer cells. Youll be fine. Tell your heart to clean itself out. Breathe in the good clean air, acclimatize yourself to allergens so you wont react. Is ignorance really bliss? Sometimes.

If anything ever happens to me that I cant control. What will I do then? I dont want to think about it.

D brought up having a will. How morbid. Though I should have one. I think Ill make it a group activity. Bring everyone together and give them packages so we can get it all done at the same time so we know that weve done it and nothing is left to ... after... should it...

Was on the phone on and off with D. He was at work and invited me to visit him as he was bored. I thought that was sweet. I didnt as I was heading to another visit and then off to my own work.

Was really tired after work. Drained. I havent felt that way in a long time. Body felt tight and it felt like I havent been horizontal in weeks. I decided to just lay down for a few minutes and my body sighed in relief when I did.

I took a nap and was up and ready to go meet with D. I know. we were going out again. More food and drink. Must do more situps. We bumped into one of his friends and I wasnt introduced. I didnt know how to react so I was just there. Wondering if I was going to be introduced. It was funny as as Im getting out of the car that night I was thinking of what would happen if we bumped into one of his friends and what would happen. Well now I know.

It bothered me for all of 5 minutes and then I didnt think about it again. Until now. But it doesnt bother me. Its just one of those things I can shake my head at.

Drinks were really good. Mango Cremesicle Martinis. At the price they were asking it was worth it. Though On occasion not always as that would put a dent in my savings

Sunday.

Stayed home, relaxed in the morning. Went with my sister to visit my Gramma. Left for an early dinner and then ended up late for work. Thats ok. I still got everything done and managed to leave early.

Talked to D throughout the night and fell asleep after my bath.

Letter from my dad

To my Son, my Darling and my Sunshine,

We have been in two different poles of the universe. North and South. While we plan to be together in some future dates. Soon I would think. I just wanted to reach out to you and say that I miss you and love you much.

We all have grown accustomed to the status quo. I am also at fault and I am the first one to admit it. I should have jumped to every opportunity that came in front of me. I would not want you to repeat the same mistakes I did during my younger years (???).

There is a big wide world of opportunity out there for everyone. We need to get out there and find out what belongs to us as dictated by our Maker, our Lord.

Just like the story of the frog that was born at the bottom of well. He lived there with his family and was quite content. He (the frog) thought, Life does not get any better than what he has now. One day he looked up, saw light on top of the well. He became curious and wondered what was up there. So one day he decided to climb up and find out for himself. Reached the top, peered over the edge. First he saw a pond. Thousand times bigger than the well. Hopped further away and discovered a huge lake. Hopped some more miles away and reached the ocean. Now he realized how limited his thinking had been.

Many times were like him (the frog). Enclosed in our own well. A comfortable environment. All we have ever known, a certain level of living, a certain way of thinking. We settle for too little. What we all need to do is venture a bit further were we have never gone before. Dare to to dream bigger. Look out over the edge like the frog.

Our Maker has Big OCEANS. He wants us to enjoy life. But we all need to do our part, that is get outside our own little box or out of our small well. Let us not allow complacency keep us in mediocrity. We feel comfortable where we are and we use that as an excuse. I believe our Maker wants all of us to go further, be successful. Break out and get out of the mold. Focus and commit to our own to change for the better.

I know and I feel that our Maker had more in store for each of you and me. Let us keep up the faith in Him and trust Him all the time. Go out there and be blessed.

Today, don't just settle for what you have. Begin looking beyond where you are to where you want to be.

I love you all so much and I miss you all ! Stay healthy, Keep Safe always.

Say your prayers and give thanks to our maker each day. No matter how many times in a day - say thank you Lord for the favor.

Papa

254 - willing to admit

D - You are quiet today

Darling - :) wasn't sure if you were sleeping and didn't want to wake you if you were. That and I'm feeling great and I might have ended up telling you I think of you entirely way too much.

D - Wow

Darling - I know I know TMI.. I care so I share. Not meant to freak you out or anything. It is what is it The truth and don't feel put on the spot unless its a good one for you.

D - Not sure how to respond to that hmm

Darling - lol you don't have to in any way. Sometimes I share things that I should keep to myself. Maybe this was one of them.

D - Not on the spot but just not aware

Darling - Now you are and its OK. Nothings changed..at least on my end... really should censor myself more... If you're not cool with it.

D - No at least I know and that is a good thing

Darling - you knowing? or what I sent?

D - Me knowing

Darling - K the good thing is you'll always end up getting the scoop on where I'm coming from and while I'm shooting myself in the foot.. I do like you... enough to flat out say it. I also like things the way they are. Anyway don't think about it too much. Its all good. lol That's it for now. Ill stop

Being on the receiving end of someones affections is always harder than being the one to show affection.

Its easier to do the liking and telling because then its out in the open and out of my hands. The truth is out there and really. The truth shall set you free. Theres a big sigh of relief and the calm settles. Now whether its the calm before the storm or the calm after the world has righted itself is another story.

I just know that I can sleep really well during my nap time this afternoon. I wont be all giggly because I like someone. I wont be all anxious trying to figure out what will happen later. Whatever happens happens. I wont be questioning myself and my actions.

As long as I remain true. As long as you remain true to who you are then it cant be wrong.

I could have kept it to myself but I figured why not?

If he turns tail and runs then it shows a few things.l If he sticks it out then cool. It shows other things. Its a risk that I'm willing to take. I mean it still could happen that what I just did really isn't cool with him and that things will become D-less after a while.

Which I know is OK as my life will continue on and someone else may be the focus of all my goodness. But for now. Ill enjoy what Ive got.

In all honesty. I'm kind of a hypocrite. Someone within the past month told me he was ind of crazy about me a little bit. But because I wasn't interested I told him he was crazy and haven't talked to that person in a long time. Hes a coworker. Not my type, but nice guy. For someone else. Not me. We move, talk and live on a whole different set of speed and I only have so much patience per person at one time.

So If I get that same fate then Its just karma coming around to give me my due. But That's not to say the other things that are coming around full circle aren't also coming around at the time.

Had a conversation with D after my mid afternoon nap and basically... he wants to make sure that I don't get too attached. He doesn't want anyone to get hurt. Well he doesn't want me to get hurt because he sees me getting more and more attached. I said that was nice and I also made sure he knew that he would be the first to know if he should be worried.

I thought ...

First. That there really wont be anywhere that this goes.

Second. I'm glad I have a good healthy appetite for Soup.

Third. I'm not getting all girly about being told indirectly that its not going to go there for him.

Fourth. I'm OK with it.

Fifth. I should call K and let him know tonight would be a good night for him to come over.

Sixth. Remind myself that I should stop writing plots and subplots that may never happen.

Seventh. I'm still happy about sharing. Ill never stop. Its who I am. Open and honest.

Eighth... I think I'm finally willing to admit things i'll keep to myself for now.

He said he didn't want to see me get hurt. I said that I'm not that attached. I like him but I am talking to other people, meeting them and not banking on a relationship with him. The reasons to meet other people and go out have yet to be determined. But I am meeting them.

Even though its not the greatest conversation to have its one of the best in that its honest and we both know where we both stand.

The girl in me needs a hug. The woman in me is relieved that I'm still loose in a noose of my own making. The man in me wants to take some names and kick some ass.

----------------------------------

Happy Friday to all of you. I love long weekends. I don't have anything planned aside from work at J3. I'm sure something will come up. Oh and next weekend on Sunday to be exact I'll be serving drinks for the afternoon for a family reunion being held by my former employer.

Roughly 40+ people, there will be a performance by Elvis... yes thats right Elvis, a DJ and 2 BBQ's for meats and kebabs. Should be fun. There's also the pool to which I've been invited to use as well. We shall see.

I've also managed to bring one of my Gf's to serve with me so it should be fun. She's looking forward to some extra cash so it should be a great ol' time

I've been to the casino and forgot to mention that I won :) :) :) All 3 times that I went :)

1? (has no name yet) sounds like fun. More to come on 1? next week.

lol Im having a fantastic day I hope everyone is as well.

Oh and Tuxbaby... Im working on it. Im finding it a tad difficult... but it will be done :)

Darlings Double Ds

Darlings Dos 'n Donts which will now and forever shall be known as Darlings Double D's :)

Don't lie. It makes things easier to remember if you keep things real and honest. Who wants to remember all the lies they've told? The who, where and whens. Its too complicated and I'm sure there are better and more important things for people to think of than the lies they've told and having to keep it all straight. If its a medical condition. Is being a pathological liar a medical condition? Nevertheless. If you are. You will simplify your life much more if you just stop it.

Do walk on grass without shoes or sandals. It brings you closer to nature. Makes you appreciate life and the sensation is very relaxing. I know you might think its weird and you might look funny. Who cares. People who see you are wishing they could walk barefoot. Roll up your pants too make it so obvious that next time... you'll see them walking on the grass bare feet :)

Don't laugh at other people unless you're willing to laugh at yourself. Its so much more fun to laugh at yourself. If you cant do that then things are way too serious and its the best way to lighten up. Come on you know you cracked a smile that time you were walking down the sidewalk and stumbled over the crack. Didn't fall, but it was still amusing. That you stumbled on something flat. So many times in a day I find myself laughing at something silly that Ive done.

Do walk around naked in the privacy of your own home. Alone. As much fun as it is with someone else. Theres something to be said about doing it alone. Its liberating, sensual and of course it feels so naughty.

252 - cat-like

I went out with my sister and her S.O yesterday. We did groceries together and then went out to eat at Outback Steakhouse which were not planning on going to any time soon or ever again for that matter. The food was OK. What were not going back for is the service. Really bad experience, the waitress took forever to come around and take our order, fill our drinks and just had a bad attitude overall.

I know good service because I provide it when I work and the end of someones time with me I know they are happy. We laugh, we joke, we flirt. I cant control the product that's in question but I can control me.

I felt like asking her how she does on tips. Probably ok but Id like to tell her shed make more if she changed her attitude. So no more Outback Steakhouse for the three of us. Go figure we try something new and end up not enjoying the experience. But we enjoyed our own company which was fabulous.

I got home and walked The Big Dog, took a shower, prepared lunch and snacks for the next day and took out the garbage. I was tired but kind of restless so I was just putting things away and getting things done sooner than later.

As soon as my head hit the pillow and I drew up the blanket to my chin I was out. I slept well and woke up without the alarm clock. I took The Bog Dog out a bit longer than I usually do in the morning. It was beautiful out. Not too hot, not too cold. The sun slowly peaking through clouds and it was quiet.

Inside my apartment after feeding the dog and making breakfast. I was running around with one heel on, changing from a black skirt and a dressy tube top to a sundress. I didn't think to pick something out the night before or think of what I would wear while I was out with The Big Dog.

Oh did I mention we were cruising around town in an 86 Cadillac? I sat n the back seat and felt little. It was plush and comfy. And selling for $3000.00 If it weren't so bad on gas mileage Id have taken it but I can only drive one car at a time so I'm not a big fan of letting things sit. It was fun to drive around in it.

We got many comments wherever we went which was fun. I even told D about it. Its in really good shape. Driven by a little old lady who didn't take it out in the winter. Shes decided to move to a retirement home and doesn't need the car anymore hence the car being for sale.

I wasn't planning on going out yesterday but did anyway. It was good to go out but I know I would have enjoyed staying in for some rest and relaxation as well. Plenty of time to fit everything in.

I think this weekend.. other then the Casino night that's planned for Saturday. It will be spent relaxing. Again nothing else is planned other than going to the Casino but if something should come up then my weekend plans will change.

Ohh I have to mention watching the movie Bogeyman. It scares me. Ive been watching the DVD now for about 4 days and Ive been watching it in installments of 15-20 minutes or so. I can only handle that much per day otherwise Ill be a wimp for a while.

This way I enjoy the movie and I am able to watch it by myself while my dinner is heating up. My sister laughed at me when I told her. Its OK. I laughed at myself too for the ingenious idea. Now I was also thinking of inviting someone over to watch it with me but then I know Id miss the movie because I would want to distract myself from the horror with the body beside me :)

When I'm alone and to distract myself from being way too involved in the movie I'm on the floor doing sit ups or some sort of exercise that keeps me on the floor and off of the edge of the seat and from biting my nails.

Well that's enough about me being a scaredy(sic) cat.

251 - Memory

Hmmm does anyone else forget the last time they were in coitus?

The last time I had sex was early Monday morning. Remember? I didn't. I should consult this blog more often to see what Ive been up to. D and I were texting and it seems like its been a while since we had sex and I mentioned that to him and he asked me if I forgot about Monday. I did forget... until he reminded me of it.

Now in my defence. I was extremely sleepy while this exchange was happening and felt all sorts of lazy and had an overall want to be outside and not working.

How could I forget about sex with D Monday at 4:30am? easy. I was half asleep then.. and I was half asleep at the time I needed to remember it. Which adds to memory malfunction.

I do feel bad about not being able to recall it. I did however tell him in detail what happened on that early morning rendezvous. How he pulled the blankets over us both, gathered me close so our bodies were flushed and how he teased me with his fingers until he thought I was ready enough for him to slip himself...

I just wanted to let him know that I didn't forget :) So I reminded him.

He doesn't buy it though he still thinks I forgot. How do I make it up to him? I don't really need to make it up to him I just want to so he can have his way with me sexually. That way we both win. Always look for win win situation. Remember that everyone! Never withhold sex in any relationship. That's wrong and that means no one gets any.

Which brings me to this next issue. Is my memory really that bad? I know I hit my head that one time but I didn't think it would affect anything. The Big Dog and I were playing and she felt the need to swing her hammer head right on the side of my head about 2-3 inches from my left temple. I had a headache for a few minutes and couldn't comfortably open my mouth for about 10-15 minutes.

Thoughts that went through my mind at that time goes as follows.

I hope this doesn't cause any damage as I shake my head and say 'ow'.
Gosh this must be what a migraine feels like. Or a bad headache anyway.
I wonder if that's the one spot that really vulnerable? I hope not
Silly dog
Silly me for that matter.
If I'm not able to open my mouth... ill lose weight because I wont eat so much
If I'm not able to open my mouth... Ill never perform oral sex again
I hope the pain goes away soon...

It did go away... and came back about a week ago when... I was walking the Big Dog and I had my hands full when a lucky mofer of a mosquito bit me an inch or so from my hairline on the left side causing the exact same feeling to occur. Minus the headache which means not quite exactly but close. It was the difficulty opening my mouth widely. You know for a good satisfying... yawn.

It eventually went away as did the identifying bump of the flying nuisance and for your information I continue to eat :)

OK so I don't ordinarily forget when the last time I had sex was. I really was sleepy. So I'm asking... if you were sleeping with someone and you realized they forgot the last time you were physically together. What would you think?

246 - Life is Precious

Saturday


Woke up with The Little One curled up by my side. I take deep breaths and calm myself. We lay in bed together for a while until she walks to the edge of the bed wanting off. I pick her up and walk her to the bathroom where she watches me brush my teeth, wash my face and put on clothes for the walk.

Both dogs are with me outside. The Little One is sitting on the grass, nose up in the air, eyes squinted up at the sun. The Big Dog and I walk further and further away. She continues to sit. I tear up a little bit and wipe them off with the back of my hand.

We return to where she sits and I lay back staring up at the sky. I look at her and memories from when we first brought her home came to mind. Memories of her not being able to jump on the sidewalk came to mind. Playing tug of war. So many memories. I shed a few more tears and shes there beside me comforting me. Still.

I trim her nails and give her a haircut a a quick bath. I dry her off and take a quick shower myself. I get dressed all the while shes on my bed. I think this is the only time Ive ever let her sleep with me since Ive moved out to this apt. I'm glad to have had a night with her.

I make a few phone calls and head out. I bring The Little One with me. Shes on my lap her head out the window. I hope she enjoys it. I try to take the long way to get her to enjoy it as long as she can. Its her last car ride.

I meet my sister there and I go in to let them know we've arrived. The clerk asks if I want to take care of payment before. I say yes. I feel numb. I seem to be blinking a little faster. Keeping the tears away. We get her weight. Shes one pound less than the last time we came in a few weeks ago. She stays seated on the weight pad where we've placed her. She doesn't want to stand up or cant very well at this point.

My sisters dog comes to her and The Little One doesn't care much for her. She looks at me and I smile, tell her shes a good girl.

A catheter is put in one of her legs. The vet comes in and asks if we have any questions. I cant speak for fear of losing it. I shake my head. Tears are flowing now and I stay quiet. We spend some time with her. Petting her and talking out loud. To her, about her. How...

We knock on the door and the vet returns with a needle. She asks us if we are ready and want to stay. I nod my head and still cant speak for the lump in my throat wont allow it. The Little One is looking up at me and the vet injects the contents into her blood stream.

Her body sways and falls into the vets hand and shes gently laid down on her side. I still cant speak, the tears are non stop. I can barely see clearly out of them I blink the tears away. I don't have a voice. But I mouth out. I love you. One day we'll all be together. I'm sorry.

Were left alone for a few minutes with her and we all let the tears come and I have a paw in my hand. We say a prayer and wish her a safe journey.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

In an effort not to have me alone. They take me out for lunch and some retail therapy. I'm thankful for it and I am only reminded of what happened when I return home. Where I look at The Little Ones things and toys.

I go off to work, thankful that Im kept busy for another few hours. Theres a part of me that feels bad about making the decision. The other part knows that it was time and that it was the right thing to do.

Life is precious.

242 - You Are The Best

D - I'm getting more sleep and I feel better

Darling - That's great, hows your sex life?

D - I know I know its taking a beating.

Darling - Mine too.. if you were wondering

D- It'll get better I promise, I'm thinking a couple of times a week is good

Darling - Whoa tiger. Can you handle it that many times?

D - I know but that should keep you happy

Darling - You have no idea what it will take to keep me happy do you?

D- You're like non-stop!

Which brings up the fact that he thinks I am worse than a guy. Is that possible? I don't know what its like to be a guy so I'm not quite sure.

D - Yeah after you have an orgasm its like a switch and you want more

Darling - Isn't that how everyone is? How can you stop an avalanche? Tell me I'm not the only one that wants to keep going.

D - well... not many people are... I guess.

Darling - hmmm Ill see what I can do about that... (not?)



I asked him if we can meet after I go out.



D - But you're already going out

Darling - I know. I'm talking about afterwards

D - laughs

Darling- I'm trying to fit it all in, make time for everyone.

D - We'll see

K is babysitting a friends cat. He took the cat home to make cat sitting easier on him but ended up losing the cat somewhere inside him house. Hiding from his own cats as now they have to share his attentions.

He tells me that he hasn't the cat in half a day and I assure him she will show up sooner or later. I get a text from K that reads Cat Found!

I reply after a few minutes with, I had no doubt of your ability to attract pussy.

His reply, Cheeky.

I'm glad he doesn't have to explain the disappearance of the cat.

FIFA tonight ladies and gents. Lets hope for a busy, non stop, beer drinking fest. Ive saved my nails from being torn to bits by bringing a simple bottle opener which doubles as my beer tab lifting buddy. It never leaves my hand even as I hand over change. I am the best.

Speaking of the best. Let me share with you my little secret of a pick me up. Sounds a bit loser-ish but I decided to do the same thing to most of the people I have on my phone that can receive text messages. I sent a message to myself saying. YOU ARE THE BEST!!

I wont go into details about affirmations and my thought process. I just know that when I read the message on the screen of my cell phone. I felt like the best. I wanted to share that with everyone I knew so I sent them all messages saying the same thing. Not that I was the best because I already knew that. But that they were the best.

I wanted to spread the feel good feeling. I'm nice like that. Since I know I cant satisfy everyone sexually... That would be a feat wouldn't it? Since I cant do that to my male and female friends I wanted to share some kind of warm fuzzy and make their day a bit better and have them smile at least once. So most of them saw the message and did smile and called or sent me a text back.

I won at the casino last night. Ate well and enjoyed the food, wine and company very much. Lots of conversation and laughter. A few glances to other tables showed groups of men together... looking back. It might have been the chocolate sauce I was licking off of my finger but it could also have been the skirt that seems to get shorter every time I wear it. That or my friends ample bosom. Might be a bit of all of the above.

I don't know how to play craps, I don't understand any of the lingo. But I do understand that I did very well for a long time just throwing the dice. I had no clue what I was trying to have come up. No one would tell me. But they were all happy for a while. Until they did a shift change. I knew I should have stopped and asked to change dice... I'm not even sure if that was OK but I wanted to ask. Didn't get a good vibe and knew it would be a bad roll. So I rolled and got a 7 which apparently wasn't good.

I went off and played roulette and won my money there. I should have stayed and played longer but they wanted to leave so I did. Its OK. Leave when you're ahead right?

I did get a call from D while I was having chocolate covered pineapples asking me not to call or text message him if I was out late and needed someone to call/text. I felt a little insulted and told him not to worry he wont be the lucky recipient of any of that, that night.

I know he didn't mean to insult me. He explained by saying that he would wake up if I called or sent a text and he didn't want to turn his phone off while it was charging...waiting for a call from work ... didn't want to miss it and so on.

That's fine with me. Its a new day today and Ive got plans with K tomorrow. J on Tues. Plans with B to have coffee is TBA.

I wont introduce the others... yet. When theres something to share they'll make their appearance. I still have to go through the process of seeing if there is something worth putting effort in with them.

There is a process you know. Its not just those who are interested welcome. Its an interesting process but its mine and people should have safeguards and procedures they follow otherwise its just a matter of time before things become uncomfortable and weird. Don't ask what the procedure is. Its never the same and usually is different per person but the outcome is the same. The general idea is there and and and...

Oh well more for another time.

Don't forget. YOU ARE THE BEST!! :)

235 - until we meet again

Thank you Darling


Please don't take this personally. I can't fall for anyone again as I felt I was for you. Just hurts too much so I have to walk away sorry.


P2

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Is it wrong to be sad that I wont have P2 in my life.
Is it wrong to be glad that I wont have P2 in my life.

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I know I'm good for him. On the other hand I know I'm bad for him.

Hes good for me period. Because hes involved in a small part of my life and not my whole life. Somewhat selfish of me but that's how this relationship works. Its not perfect when I say its good for me. Its just good for me because I don't dwell on the things that I cant control.

If anything hes been trying to break off ties for a while. Scared of falling in love with me. I told him if he does that's OK. Love is a wonderful thing. Would we do anything about it? I'm not so sure as there are circumstances and distances to cross and I don't want to sound odd... but I love him on a whole different level than he does me.

I cant explain his love. Mine can be explained by... loving someone from afar. Knowing that there can never be anything between us. That the beauty of it comes from that. The fantasy of us being together is so beautiful you cant help fall in love.

P2 will always have a piece of me. Hes been in my corner encouraging and guiding me. Its all so appreciated and hes been so helpful.

Whatever you do, whoever you meet, I wish you all the best P2. That's all I ever wanted was the best for you.

229 - you and your hand

I'm working the Beaver Boxing Event. Ringside something is the official title that I botched up Ill try to find out what it really is called.

Excerpts from last nights texting with D goes as follows

D - Are you thinking about that time when...

Darling - I am now... (cute that he is wondering about what I'm thinking of)

D - Ive been thinking about it and I like when its on your mind...

(its hard not to think about it. Its pretty eventful)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Later on in the evening...

D - Not sure but it seems that all the women are flirty today

Darling - I think its because all the men are here flirting with me, I love this sport... be good

(I wonder why hes telling me about the flirty women... to make me jealous? It kind of worked.I had that 'hands of, hes taken! reaction, then thought about it and realized I had no right to even think that. As he isn't taken and its his decision if he wants your hands on him) I wonder if he was a bit jealous. I almost wanted to ask him if that was he wanted.

D - B good and stop flirting (Fair is fair, if you can, so can I)

Darling - Im always good.. cant help it but be good, the guys are out of control with their roaming hands.. but Ive got that time with you in my head. Lots of fun..

------------------------------------
About an hour before I leave (now early morning)

D - I so think you are hooking up (he sends it twice 10 min apart) I so think you are hooking up

Darling - Dont be silly. I want to hook up with you (I met a lot of men that night. Made new contacts for this, that and the other and through it all I'm thinking of the sex D and I have)

D - 30 min ur place (Test if I ever heard one, why do I think he wants to keep tabs?)

Why I got that feeling?

around 10ish

I call... and say Am I seeing you tonight?

He says Ill have to call you back

He calls back and asks yes??

Am I seeing you tonight?

We talked about this already and no I cant come over.

OK I just wanted to make sure

Just because I'm not coming over doesn't mean you have to hook up tonight

Hmm is that how it works? Hmmm really?

Well....

* Then again... It sounds kind of odd that I would call him and ask again knowing that hes not coming over.. but just to make sure.. I wanted to confirm. I can see how that would plant a seed of doubt... which would lead to where things were... Which might... in a land of what ifs.... make it that he doesn't want me to hook up with anyone else and is kind of jealous?


Darling - I wish I could meet you in 30 min, ill be here a while working. (I really would have enjoyed being /seeing him)

D - Fight was over 30 min ago (It even read as pouty and suspicious. I'm wondering how he knew when it was done... interesting...)

Darling - I would much rather be with you.. no one else... than here working. (True and then I thought of how my bedroom looks... living room it is :)

I ended up calling him after that. Soothe any egos that might need it. He still teased me about it when I asked him if he really thought I was hooking up that night. He must think I'm hot or something that I can pull men easily like that. Silly man.

I might leave early today to enjoy the nice weather.. that and make sure that I use up any vacation that wont be carried over. Ulterior motives you suspect? Yes, D and I might get together for a while. If that doest happen I have a super hot date that provides complete and utter satisfaction. I have a date with my bed. Alone that is, sweet sleep and relaxation.

Oh and interesting things about working the event.

I brought home 2 bottles of wine, comp of a group of men that I took care of.
Another group left me a tip of 50$
Ive a small army of business cards with cell #s on the back
Met a cool new contact who Ill be getting in touch with soon. He likes my attitude.
The mgr is thinking of having ladies wear skirts as a uniform. He got reviews about me HA!
Daniel 'Alfie' was at the event. So was the mayor of Ottawa. So was I :)
Beef tenderloin for dinner
Someone OK 2 people, screamed that I had nothing on under my skirt.
Which might explain the slew of business cards I got.
Keeping the cell phone in between.
Someone mentioned they needed cream, another joked not cream of sum yung gai? to which I replied... unsolicited as Im walking by their table, why not? I hear its pretty good. They all laughed and wanted me to join them for the rest of the night.

The song that came to my mind. 'you and your hand' :)

dream, fantasy, truth or fiction

Hes fully clothed stretched out on the bed hands behind his head. I walk around to the other side and stand looking him over as I sip from my glass. In my head Ive got a mental image of my head thrown back while he holds my hips as hes inside me. Ive also got a mental image of being wrapped in his arms as we spoon for a nap.

He gives me an opening as he says 'I could really go for a nap right now'

'A nap does sound good, I was thinking about asking you how you'd feel if we just took a nap'

I'm crawling up from the foot of the bed as I say this and I stop and stay kneeling by his hips. His hands still behind his head. I lift his shirt and undo his belt buckle, pull down his zipper and we have a brief conversation about zippers snagging skin. Happened to him once he says and its something he'd rather not recall. That made me laugh.

I leave his jeans open in a V and just run my fingers above him. From hip to hip. His skin is warm, soft and I can see him grow with the shift of his jeans. I continue to just touch and feel. At that time its not about sex for me. I actually just want to touch and feel. Give him a massage. Rub my hands over his body and have him feel calm and relaxed.

'I thought you wanted to take a nap' I hear and I smile, kind of lost in thought and now thrown into a moment of conflict as I want to take a nap, I need to take a nap, but I also want to bring those earlier images to reality.

'Pants off' I tell him as I tap his hip and move to the side. He pulls them off and I take him in my mouth and feel him harden more. He reaches in between my legs and I feel the heat from his hands through my pants. Pressing his palms up into me I rotate my hips and my head moves up and down over his body. My hair to one side so he has a clear view of what I am doing.

His other hand is just at the top of my head. His fingers softly massaging as they spread apart and come together. I turn my head and lick the length of him eyes open, watching him, his head tilted up to see what I am doing. Our eyes connect and I wink at him and swallow him whole again. The sound of air leaving his mouth in a rush turns me on and the hand in between my legs squeezes my inner high. That turns me on too.

I have a thought in the back of my mind. 'Too late to stop and just take a nap now' Which makes me smile. I know either way I will be satisfied.

I crawl myself backwards off of the bed and slowly bring my pants to my ankles as he watches. I crawl my way up, his body underneath me and I rub my breasts over his chest. He holds them in his hands and showers my nipples with attention. Licks, flicks and nibbles. All the while our lower bodies touching but not quite joined. My hips push down and I feel him rub against me.

I moan and lift myself off of him and lean up straight. I reach in between my legs and he holds himself in his hand and rubs himself over me. My hands land flat on his chest and he places himself at my opening and as I push down and inhale, he pushes up at the same time.

I move my body over his his eyes focused on where we are joined. I lean back on to my left side and my other hand on my inner thigh and hear 'oh yeah, that's it' I smile, continue to move my body over him and stop while I have him deep inside me. I lean forward and offer him my neck which he takes and flicking his tongue over the spot. His hips slowly push up to go deeper inside me and that makes my breath catch. Soon I'm holding myself up hands beside his head as my breasts sway in front of his face.

I lean up and somehow manage, without losing connection, have both feet flat on either side of him. I move my body over him and soon sounds other than our encouraging words are heard, bodies sliding against each other and skin slapping against each other is heard and this fuels us both and my earlier thoughts have now become a reality.

We both have orgasms that leave a satisfied grin on our faces. I look at him after our breathing have subsided and lay down beside him thinking, thoughts are powerful and I love how with enough hard work it can be reality.

216 - faking it

Lost the hockey game against the Ducks last night. I didn't watch it. I stayed home and spent some time with the little dog. Took pictures and just had a lazy evening. All this, of course after D comes over. We tried to take a nap. As he sent a text earlier that day asking if it was OK if he took a nap, he was exhausted. I thought it was a joke and said of course. I even told him Id wear something so I wouldn't distract him.

So he came over and we got into bed. As promised I had on something to not distract him. I was however distracted by the tent he was pitching and decided to investigate and see what all the fuss was about. The fuss took an hour and change of my time but we got all the details out and into the open.

We did end up taking nap and even though I wasn't wearing anything it was nice. Kind of strange at first as it usually is when its the first time ever that you're resting/sleeping/letting yourself sleep with someone new. Yes that's right. This would be the first time ever that he slept here... with me. The first time ever that Ive had someone else sleep in my bed in my apartment.

We didn't fall asleep right away, I couldn't. I was still kind of in a haze of details that was just uncovered by the investigation that involved teamwork. Still stimulated, I felt a little uncomfortable about sleeping with him. I wonder if he felt the same way?

I hate to admit it but I faked it. I hate to say that Ive never done that before. Faked it I mean. I'm usually all for it, get in there and take what you can get. Its not always that you have time in the middle of the day to do something like it and its always nice when you have someone else there. I mean Ive done it by myself often and for many years, I come out all satisfied, energized and wanting more, some days more than once or twice. I'm a big fan of making sure its done at least once a day, if you can get it. Its also nice if it lasts more than 15 minutes and if you go deep. If you can make it last for 30 minutes then personally that's just wonderful.

I wasn't sure how to position myself. Do I just pretend hes not here and take up the whole bed? Sprawl out or be take the lest amount of room possible. Do I snuggle against him? Does he even like that? Lean my head on his shoulder? No I didn't do that it was too hot. Not the air but our body temperature. That would just make my cheek stick to his chest. Not attractive.

Do I spoon with him? Should I be the outside or the inside of the spoon? I didn't know. So in the end I just turned away from him and to my side. I thought maybe ill just see what he does. No spooning. Just as well. I didn't want to start dissecting reasons for why or why nots.

I think turning away from him was the signal for conversation to wane and he eventually fell asleep. How could I tell? His breathing and the hand against my back was still and not moving. I mean... thinking about it now... for all I know, he could have been faking it too. I doubt it.

He got out of bed to get his phone when it rang and he told whoever was on the other line he'd meet them at 7pm and came back to bed. This time we spooned. Me on the outside. Bodies were flushed against each other as it was the first time and I'm just shy sometimes when it comes to things like this. Sex all for it. Spooning? Have no clue.

When his alarm went off, he took a quick shower and then put the glass he used in the sink. Thoughtful. I like! He played with the little dog for a few minutes while I played with the big dog. Cute, he knows that the dogs time is coming and I'm glad that he spent some time with her.

While changing the sheets I was thinking about earlier with D. It made me kind of giggle that Ive never faked it before.. I wonder if he noticed that I wasn't napping.