395 - junkie

Sexually frustrated in Ottawa. Blunt yes. Its a cycle like anything else I think. Ive been good though and haven't been getting around like I used to... in a nice sense. I know that doesn't sound healthy but It sounds worse than it is.

I'm just saying that D isn't able to fulfill my needs all the time. As much as Id like and as often as Id like. So its frustrating. D and I are just friends BTW. Theres no ties between us. But I still feels the sting of guilt. This is a problem and this is why I am frustrated.

I feel like I'm in a monogamous relationship when I in fact am not in such a thing. I cant say how he feels and I don't think Ill be asking him again anytime soon. I tend to ask questions, lots of them.

So I remain sexually frustrated and find myself fantasizing about guys I shouldn't be fantasizing about just to up the titillating meter so that in the event of a self induced orgasm the POW will be even more satisfying. Junkie much? Oh yes.

387 - online dating

Online dating... what was I thinking!?

So theres this guy. J3.. I dont know how many Js Ive got in the soup so Ive picked J3 for this guy. Never met him but weve exchanged a few emails, had a couple of chats online. Not bad, got an OK vibe. Then my life gets busy and he doesn't hear anything from me because NO ONE hears anything from me by way of the world wide web as you all know and can attest to.

So I come online this one time and he freaks out on me saying I have deleted him off of my msn and he knows Ive done it and that he doesn't think its cool. I wonder who the F is this as hes got a total different screen name and wonder who it is. Apparently that wasn't the right thing to ask so he continues to rant and I continue to rack my brain for anything with that screen name.

I come up empty until he answers my question of who he is. J3 he says :) I reply with OMG I know you and continue to give him a point form version of everything we've talked about sometimes in verbatim to prove that I haven't forgotten him

It doesn't do any good as he thinks I'm wasting his time. Why does he think I'm wasting his time? Because I haven't sent him a photo of me. Online. I haven't sent him proof that I am female... but Ive asked him if he wants to call me on the TELEPHONE so we can speak and talk there and move it from the world wide web to other forms of technology.

I understand that people want to know what the other person on the other end of the screen looks like and I have a shy streak a mile wide and I'm not comfortable with what some people might do with my photo, not that its all WOW but because I am a private person and I don't 100% know what plan they have with my photo.

So I delay that for as long as humanely possible, and this differs from person to person because some people have low thresholds and others have higher thresholds of patience and understanding.

So far online dating has been interesting. Why you ask am I doing this? Why not. I caved and joined and now I am no better than the millions of people that are out there. Searching for...??? I'm honest in my profile and say I have no clue but still they come en masse to my inbox.

I shall share my online dating foibles with with world or those of you who enjoy a chuckle or few in my expense.

Lesson learned from J3... men are more sensitive that I thought... Or men are still only after one thing :) The great photo album.. better than the mental spank bank.. this one you can flip though!

PLS NOTE... there are more lessons that Ive learnt. That's not the only one :) and not all men are like that I know :)

372 - comparing vaginas

** Please note... there are no pictures of vaginas in this post :)


SE is a big vagina. The slightest tremor and he goes and shows off how big a vagina he is. There that was me being mean. But I laughed. Does that count as being mean if it makes me laugh? Probably.

He doesn't want to deal with me because I confuse him at the best of times. He has other things to worry about and cant deal with 'us'. Maybe in the future we'll see how things go.

I'm taking that as a thank you but no thank you... for the moment. It might not but my first reaction is to be angry and let down.

My reaction confuses me which I'm OK with because what is my life without a lot of confusion?? So that's whats going on there but on the other hand this works fine for me because I really cant be with someone who has a bigger vag than I do :)

Ill be eating those words later on if something should happen with SE. We shall see.

I spoke to a friend of mine this past weekend and he helped me calm down. I had a bit of a sad weekend where I had to deal with the issues that are all happening at the same time and I needed someone to distract me and it helped. Thank you G.

I'm getting into old habits that might be construed as self destructive. Depends on how you look at it of course. Its all about perspective.

There is crisis in my sisters love life as shes patterning herself after me.. a lesser version which is good because I'm a bit much to take sometimes. More watered down version of me might sound better? No? Didn't think so.

So Ive had a few more years and a more men than shes had to deal with and I trying to coach her through some things but there are just some things that needs to be learnt by herself. The art of finessing is something that she'll have to figure out on her own. Ive given her guidelines but told her shed have to work the details to match herself.

She gets frustrated with it and situations she finds herself in but the best thing Ive told her is that shes not the first nor will be the last one to go through it. I tell her to rest easy with the knowledge that there are ways to come out on top even if the situation leaves you in pieces.

Time. Sometimes she rushes and I tell her not to. To enjoy it all the small moments that seem meaningless. Why rush? If in the end you know there will be an end. Why not enjoy the small things and appreciate them more.

The answer to that is. Because it hurts. To have put meaning into something small makes it hurt more in the end. But to me, the more it hurt... the more it meant something. I want everything to mean something, my life, what I do, what I say and so on. I must be a glutton for hurt and pain then. We all pay a price. Mine just happens to be this.

How twisted is that? When my thoughts run that way my outlook is completely different from most of the population and makes me feel like an outsider when it comes to friendships, relationships and acquaintances.

Such is the price of being unique. The fun part is slipping into friendships, relationships and having acquaintances without them having a clue at how deep the twist goes :)


Ohhhh and what do you think of the boots?

304 - my mistake

I was talking to my sister yesterday and I mentioned one of my ex's, MDR. He lives in San Jose. We were together for a little over 3 years. I haven't talked to him in longer than that. He said it just hurt too much to continue anything.

Heading back to California made me think of him and I had a thought to call him up. Then I thought OK call and say what exactly? After 'hello' of course.

I wouldn't be uncomfortable. I'm just thinking that he might find it strange and there's nothing worse than knowing I make someone else uncomfortable. The exception of course is when its the sexual kind of discomfort that is followed up by good sexual tension which leads to well. you get the idea.

At the moment I'm not planning on getting in touch with him as I don't even know if I have the number around. Much less remember it I know the area code is 408... and I'm not even 100% sure of that.

I guess I'm just curious about a lot of things.

So a little bit of a panic to be thrown into todays post. I called the passport office to inquire about the status of my application. It was supposed to be mailed out for delivery on Dec 11th. I am hopeful that I will get the passport prior to leaving as it is essential that I have it otherwise I wont be able to fly due to the new rules to fly into and through the US.

It has yet to be printed as far as D knows. This is what they told him about his passport. He went a week ahead of me which doesn't bode well for me. His is already 5 days late in being sent out and I hope... that's all I can do is hope.

I know its my own fault that this is happening. I really wasn't planning a trip at this time and it only came about after I sent my application in. I know that it might all work out and I will just be worried about nothing... though it could be something huge as I wont be able to

A- Enjoy the take off and landing
B- Fly with my sister
C- See my Dad
D- Get away from the cold winter
E- Meet new people.
F- Just get away from 'my so called life'
G- Have a possible make out session at my layover in Chicago. With J
I - Have my imagination run away with total strangers at the airport
J- Leave it all behind
K- See my Dad
L- Be a part of the scenic view at the nude beach
M- get my money back for the flight
O- Do any type of shopping

There are more things that I will miss but I didn't want to think of the rest as that would just be helping me down the rabbit hole.

I'm debating now whether to even pack. I eventually will... just in case. There's no point in beating myself up now if I don't know what will happen so Ill just prepare. Either way I will make a trip to the airport Either I'm flying out or Ill be driving my sister so she can fly out.

Expect the worse hope for the best?

Cross your fingers!

281 - Conundrum!!

The hydro in my building was shut off from 9-4 yesterday. So when D and I made our way to the elevators a sign was up saying it was out of order and apologies for inconveniences were up as well.

I didn't end up having the lunch I was expecting. Not too happy about it. The thought of walking up 12 flights of stairs for a quickie and then walking down those stairs again wasn't very sexy so we went out for lunch instead.

It was a lovely lunch, we talked and my mind wandered to other things we could be doing. Imagining us in other places where we would be able to do certain things...

I find myself somewhat shy again with D. I cant explain it its just one of those things that happens every so often. It may be due to me stepping back to see how things are. Maybe the other girl that hell be seeing in Venezuela. Or it may be... something or another. I just am. Its probably because I do like him. I don't know.

So this trip hasn't been booked yet and I really cant say anything though I do want to talk to him about it. I'm sure at some point I will bring it up. Maybe not the details of his trip but why it might be bothering me. Its OK. It is how it is. I will speak my mind. No matter the consequences.

Speaking of speaking my mind. I had to bite my tongue at work. I think my performance here is really good. I do my job and I do my job well. I was recently told that I wasn't allowed to take 10 minutes away from my desk without telling anyone where I am going. (I was away for less than 10 min) and I realize that I am back in grade school. I wanted to say something... actually a few things but I didn't. Its work.

I bit my tongue and have decided to buy a pack of cigarettes. Not for me to smoke... but to be able to go out and have a moment to myself. Ive decided to let the cigarette stick burn itself to the halfway point and then I will return to my desk.

I don't mind people who smoke but when there's no word to those people who smoke about the amount of time they are away from their desk and I do. That is not fair. So, I, with the rest of the smokers will have equal amounts of time to indulge in ... habits. Mine will just be coupled with cell phone usage. Don't worry Ill keep an eye out on the cigarette. I wouldn't want this place to burn down.

I guess the closer I am to getting this new position, this makes me a little bit more on the edge at work here. It is time and I hope that it all goes well and that I do have the opportunity to leave here. Ive been here for the past 5 years and Ive reached the glass ceiling.. a while ago.

I'm excited about the new job but I'm also nervous about not getting it. My thought process goes as follows

- I'm excited about leaving this place
- I'm nervous about not getting the new job
- Because that means Ill still be stuck here until I start the process of looking again..
- Change is good but scary sometimes. I like sure things and I'm not sure Ill get the job.
- That's just being cautious. I'm optimistic that Ill get it but just not sure.
- Doubt... blech!
- I'm kind of worried that I'm looking forward to it too much that it wont happen.
- I hope that that's just one of those silly thoughts that I get once in a while.
- Is giving 2 weeks really something I have to do? will 1 suffice?
- I know that if I leave they will find someone to replace me.
- That's OK. I do my job and I do it well. No one can do it better or as efficient :)
- Or so I like to tell myself.
- Its the truth though :)

About tonight. Ive already told my girlfriend I'm not meeting with her tonight. She had big plans for me to hang out with her at her boyfriends place again. I declined.

Meeting with N... I'm nervous as I'm having a fat day. We shall see how it goes.

D is getting off of work early and then meeting his friends for dinner at 7:30. Then might meet me for drinks.

Conundrum alert! Want to meet with N and hang out with D as well. What to do what to do. I'm surprised this doesn't happen more often. LOL Actually I lied. it does happen often but Ive been really good as managing my schedule. This one just jumped out of nowhere and I wasn't the one in charge of whens.

Will update.

263 - Thank you

Its been more than a week since D and I have had sex. I hope hes enjoying it. Its not being done on purpose. Things have just come up and no, its not because hes given it up until he loses weight. Its just not been possible to meet as kinks are still being worked out of his schedule.

I mind and I don't mind. It gives me time to build the want, which I must say is a lot of fun. But on the other hand it kind of drives me crazy wanting to be naked with him. I have to think of toning down the want. Well maybe not toning it down but just not vocalizing it to him.

Yes I am guilty of sharing. With D. The things that I am looking forward to. With him. Yes.

Ive asked him if it was a bit much and he said no. Though I think maybe its just to make me feel better.

So now I'm asking you. How would you feel about hearing/knowing that someone is looking forward to being with you. Whether it be for something sexual or non sexual. Is that something that is good to share or should it be something that's kept private to oneself?


I was told by D that we would be able to meet at least twice this week for some much needed coitus and it has yet to materialize. Granted Monday was a holiday I saw no reason not to include that. There's always room for some holiday celebration :)

Oh but oh but OH!! Tomorrow.. well tomorrow is a great day. I took the morning off and possibly part of the afternoon as well. I told work Id be in after lunch but wasn't sure what time I will be finished. So, D doesn't start until 3 ish which means that Ill get to have lunch with him and then have him afterwards.

Its a little fitting really as Ive been a very good girl. Nothing naughty happening here lately. The feather boas and leather whips have been put aside and Ive been donning the innocent schoolgirl look and its paid off. Its like Ive been a good girl and am being rewarded for good behaviour.

I had a bit too much for lunch and now I am feeling really sleepy. I guess I shuld have had seconds. I was planning on going to this event for a local radio station tonight. Hot 89.9. Singles at Sea. 300 singles on a boat cruise. Just what the love doctor ordered.

I'm not sure if ill be up for the SAS cruise tonight so I think Ill skip it. That's OK, right now sleep is high in priority. So is rest then to take care of tomorrow.

Wish me luck, send good vibes and all that jazz. Ill be asking you to do this every so often. Reasons will be revealed in time. Its all for the betterment of Life. ( Dont want to jinx it, or get ahead of myself )

... Thank you, I appreciate it :)

Have a great day!

259 - selfish?

Things that irritate me. Looking forward to going out and spending some time with a friend when they call and cancel saying they are tired.

I'm not planning on bringing them out to run a marathon. Its food, drink and good times I'm after. Nothing strenuous. Nothing taxing. So when someone tells me they are tired and want to do nothing at all. I get irritated.

Not that I know every detail of their lives and what happens in them. I know that if I can juggle J1, J2 and J3. Have time to work out with Denise and Carmen, run with The Big Dog a couple of times a day, keep The Soup current and up do date. Call, talk, email and text away to various friends and family.

Surely the couple of hours that I have set aside for just this occasion to meet with them and hang out isn't so much to ask of their busy lives. I'm not trying to act like I'm high and mighty. I apologize if that's how it sounds. It sounds like I'm selfish.

I feel like I'm being selfish when I pull a suck like this. I guess its also that I value my time and if something planned doesn't go through. My day doesn't get shot to hell its just inconvenient and I find myself disappointed. I haven't seen this person in a while which is why I look forward to seeing them.

In a way I have to be thankful. I don't just sit and wallow that I'm not hanging out with whoever. I end up doing other things that needed to be done. The everyday things like groceries, banking, cooking, cleaning, catching up on sleep and so on.

Its just... if it happens too often with the same person whats a person to do. I'm thinking I should just not plan anything with this person and let them come to me. If I'm available then great if not then maybe another time.

I look forward to spending time with my friends. It doesn't have to be something glamorous planned. Sometimes its relaxing at home with a bottle of wine or sometimes the venue changes and we'll be on a patio enjoying the weather and have fruity cocktails. I don't even mind if its walking our dogs together.

I think for this one friend. Ill leave the plans up to her and if it somehow works out that I'm free when shes not tired we'll go do something.

On that note. Sex time! :)

256 - goings on

T is very insistent and has started to call me his girl. As endearing as it is. Theres something that irks me about being "his girl". In all senses of the word I am a girl. Just not his. Nor will I ever be his girl.

I'm a bit annoyed with him. Hes become a cling-on. Needy. Needs constant affirmations... and I know that we all need affirmations. We all need to be validated in some way. The way he goes about it repeatedly is grating on my nerves.

When point blank asked. 'I want you to be my girl. You want to be my girl right?' I had to keep my eyes from rolling. I did what might be called rude. I told him that I wasn't sure I could be because of the situation, the distance, specially the lack of activities boys and girls engage in behind closed doors that he knows I am very fond of.

I hear silence on the other end of the line and ask if he is OK. He will be he says and he understands. There is a small part of me that feels guilty that its come to this point. Where he likes me more than I like him. Is that the trick? to find someone that equally shares the amount of like. Otherwise its too much or not enough.

B called me to touch base and to stay in contact. I was out shopping with my sister so we didn't talk long. I told him it was good to hear from him and that we should get together sometime when our schedules allow.

S might have gotten the impression that I'm not available anytime soon to meet with him as the amount of phone calls have diminished. Its a turn off when someone cant follow simple requests.Like call me after 5pm as that's when I am finished work. Its also a little bit off putting when they tell you they want to 'bring you to a special place' without letting you know where the place is. A bit freakish and screams of being tied and bound in a spread eagle position on a table in some barn somewhere. (shudder)

K is in England. I sent him a text to say 'hi' and he said he would get in touch when he returns.

M1 has been put through the wood chipper. Ha vent heard from him in a while so there may be a miraculous waking at some point. Sometimes people need to hear honesty to realize what they wont be getting. I told him that if he was looking for anything sexual with me it wouldn't happen. So I didn't hear from him again. Of course he did the obligatory 'no no, that's not what I'm looking for' line.

I didn't get any sort of want to be intimate with him. Not even a peck on the cheek. It pays to stick to your guns ladies and just say it like it is sometimes. . Just say No!

A is new. Had an impromptu lunch date and he watched me eat. He failed to mention he had a late and large breakfast. I didn't mind. I needed to eat. We needed to meet. We talked, we laughed and when the time came for me to pay for the meal that I ate. He insisted on taking care of it.

We were supposed to meet another afternoon for lunch. He had to cancel. Sadly.

I told him jokingly that I wanted to know who or what was o important to break the lunch date with/for. Hes helping his friend who doesn't look as good as I do. Charmer. I know. Ill be careful with this one. I told him that since he wasn't going to see me that day that he wouldn't be privy to a hint of what I was wearing. Which I know will have made him think. Ill let his imagination wonder.

B2 hasn't called me in a while. Its hard to call back when you don't have their numbers. Oh well. Such is life. I did bump into him at Costco. I pointed him out to my sister and we had a discussion about how tastes in men are really varied from woman to woman.

J2 is new and is proving to be a flirt. The kind of flirt that I approve of. Neither of us is rushing anything which is nice. I'm feeling a bit impatient but would like to be in the mood for it all to happen so I guess its OK that we are waiting. Waiting for what exactly? Nothing in particular though he has mentioned a possible weekend away together. That wont happen soon but again.. its the idea and the possibilities that gets me.

V is also new. Hes from out of town and is often in Ottawa for business. Suits me just fine. We went out last week sometime and had a great time. It didn't stop him from being a man and suggesting that I return with him to his hotel room. I know he wasn't trying to be rude. Hes just being male and it is refreshing to meet someone who says whats on his mind.

Hes in town every other week so it should be interesting how things play with him.

Well... Ill save the rest for another post

254 - willing to admit

D - You are quiet today

Darling - :) wasn't sure if you were sleeping and didn't want to wake you if you were. That and I'm feeling great and I might have ended up telling you I think of you entirely way too much.

D - Wow

Darling - I know I know TMI.. I care so I share. Not meant to freak you out or anything. It is what is it The truth and don't feel put on the spot unless its a good one for you.

D - Not sure how to respond to that hmm

Darling - lol you don't have to in any way. Sometimes I share things that I should keep to myself. Maybe this was one of them.

D - Not on the spot but just not aware

Darling - Now you are and its OK. Nothings changed..at least on my end... really should censor myself more... If you're not cool with it.

D - No at least I know and that is a good thing

Darling - you knowing? or what I sent?

D - Me knowing

Darling - K the good thing is you'll always end up getting the scoop on where I'm coming from and while I'm shooting myself in the foot.. I do like you... enough to flat out say it. I also like things the way they are. Anyway don't think about it too much. Its all good. lol That's it for now. Ill stop

Being on the receiving end of someones affections is always harder than being the one to show affection.

Its easier to do the liking and telling because then its out in the open and out of my hands. The truth is out there and really. The truth shall set you free. Theres a big sigh of relief and the calm settles. Now whether its the calm before the storm or the calm after the world has righted itself is another story.

I just know that I can sleep really well during my nap time this afternoon. I wont be all giggly because I like someone. I wont be all anxious trying to figure out what will happen later. Whatever happens happens. I wont be questioning myself and my actions.

As long as I remain true. As long as you remain true to who you are then it cant be wrong.

I could have kept it to myself but I figured why not?

If he turns tail and runs then it shows a few things.l If he sticks it out then cool. It shows other things. Its a risk that I'm willing to take. I mean it still could happen that what I just did really isn't cool with him and that things will become D-less after a while.

Which I know is OK as my life will continue on and someone else may be the focus of all my goodness. But for now. Ill enjoy what Ive got.

In all honesty. I'm kind of a hypocrite. Someone within the past month told me he was ind of crazy about me a little bit. But because I wasn't interested I told him he was crazy and haven't talked to that person in a long time. Hes a coworker. Not my type, but nice guy. For someone else. Not me. We move, talk and live on a whole different set of speed and I only have so much patience per person at one time.

So If I get that same fate then Its just karma coming around to give me my due. But That's not to say the other things that are coming around full circle aren't also coming around at the time.

Had a conversation with D after my mid afternoon nap and basically... he wants to make sure that I don't get too attached. He doesn't want anyone to get hurt. Well he doesn't want me to get hurt because he sees me getting more and more attached. I said that was nice and I also made sure he knew that he would be the first to know if he should be worried.

I thought ...

First. That there really wont be anywhere that this goes.

Second. I'm glad I have a good healthy appetite for Soup.

Third. I'm not getting all girly about being told indirectly that its not going to go there for him.

Fourth. I'm OK with it.

Fifth. I should call K and let him know tonight would be a good night for him to come over.

Sixth. Remind myself that I should stop writing plots and subplots that may never happen.

Seventh. I'm still happy about sharing. Ill never stop. Its who I am. Open and honest.

Eighth... I think I'm finally willing to admit things i'll keep to myself for now.

He said he didn't want to see me get hurt. I said that I'm not that attached. I like him but I am talking to other people, meeting them and not banking on a relationship with him. The reasons to meet other people and go out have yet to be determined. But I am meeting them.

Even though its not the greatest conversation to have its one of the best in that its honest and we both know where we both stand.

The girl in me needs a hug. The woman in me is relieved that I'm still loose in a noose of my own making. The man in me wants to take some names and kick some ass.

----------------------------------

Happy Friday to all of you. I love long weekends. I don't have anything planned aside from work at J3. I'm sure something will come up. Oh and next weekend on Sunday to be exact I'll be serving drinks for the afternoon for a family reunion being held by my former employer.

Roughly 40+ people, there will be a performance by Elvis... yes thats right Elvis, a DJ and 2 BBQ's for meats and kebabs. Should be fun. There's also the pool to which I've been invited to use as well. We shall see.

I've also managed to bring one of my Gf's to serve with me so it should be fun. She's looking forward to some extra cash so it should be a great ol' time

I've been to the casino and forgot to mention that I won :) :) :) All 3 times that I went :)

1? (has no name yet) sounds like fun. More to come on 1? next week.

lol Im having a fantastic day I hope everyone is as well.

Oh and Tuxbaby... Im working on it. Im finding it a tad difficult... but it will be done :)

252 - cat-like

I went out with my sister and her S.O yesterday. We did groceries together and then went out to eat at Outback Steakhouse which were not planning on going to any time soon or ever again for that matter. The food was OK. What were not going back for is the service. Really bad experience, the waitress took forever to come around and take our order, fill our drinks and just had a bad attitude overall.

I know good service because I provide it when I work and the end of someones time with me I know they are happy. We laugh, we joke, we flirt. I cant control the product that's in question but I can control me.

I felt like asking her how she does on tips. Probably ok but Id like to tell her shed make more if she changed her attitude. So no more Outback Steakhouse for the three of us. Go figure we try something new and end up not enjoying the experience. But we enjoyed our own company which was fabulous.

I got home and walked The Big Dog, took a shower, prepared lunch and snacks for the next day and took out the garbage. I was tired but kind of restless so I was just putting things away and getting things done sooner than later.

As soon as my head hit the pillow and I drew up the blanket to my chin I was out. I slept well and woke up without the alarm clock. I took The Bog Dog out a bit longer than I usually do in the morning. It was beautiful out. Not too hot, not too cold. The sun slowly peaking through clouds and it was quiet.

Inside my apartment after feeding the dog and making breakfast. I was running around with one heel on, changing from a black skirt and a dressy tube top to a sundress. I didn't think to pick something out the night before or think of what I would wear while I was out with The Big Dog.

Oh did I mention we were cruising around town in an 86 Cadillac? I sat n the back seat and felt little. It was plush and comfy. And selling for $3000.00 If it weren't so bad on gas mileage Id have taken it but I can only drive one car at a time so I'm not a big fan of letting things sit. It was fun to drive around in it.

We got many comments wherever we went which was fun. I even told D about it. Its in really good shape. Driven by a little old lady who didn't take it out in the winter. Shes decided to move to a retirement home and doesn't need the car anymore hence the car being for sale.

I wasn't planning on going out yesterday but did anyway. It was good to go out but I know I would have enjoyed staying in for some rest and relaxation as well. Plenty of time to fit everything in.

I think this weekend.. other then the Casino night that's planned for Saturday. It will be spent relaxing. Again nothing else is planned other than going to the Casino but if something should come up then my weekend plans will change.

Ohh I have to mention watching the movie Bogeyman. It scares me. Ive been watching the DVD now for about 4 days and Ive been watching it in installments of 15-20 minutes or so. I can only handle that much per day otherwise Ill be a wimp for a while.

This way I enjoy the movie and I am able to watch it by myself while my dinner is heating up. My sister laughed at me when I told her. Its OK. I laughed at myself too for the ingenious idea. Now I was also thinking of inviting someone over to watch it with me but then I know Id miss the movie because I would want to distract myself from the horror with the body beside me :)

When I'm alone and to distract myself from being way too involved in the movie I'm on the floor doing sit ups or some sort of exercise that keeps me on the floor and off of the edge of the seat and from biting my nails.

Well that's enough about me being a scaredy(sic) cat.

248 - foul mood

Calling myself all sorts of stupid and anything idiotic today. Ive put myself in a foul mood. Foul Mood. FOUL MOOD.

The only way Ill feel better is to spend a whole lot of money to make it right. To make me feel better and to continue the life that I lead... normally. or as close to normal as I can manage.

Did I...

Option A - Get preggers. EEK!

Option B - Get arrested for indecent exposure. OK maybe not quite arrested... more like a slap on the bum for being so.. cheeky HA!

Option C - Drop my phone in the pool. Resuscitation was futile. There is no life in this phone.

So yeah I'm in a foul mood. Even morning sex couldn't take the cloud of frustration away. I'm sad, having all sorts of moments of self depreciation over a phone. Somethings wrong with me. Its my addiction other than doing the mambo horizontally.

I just want to crawl under the covers and sleep... in hopes of waking up beside a brand spanking new or same (but working) cell phone. If only it were that easy right?

Ill be heading to the cell phone place where I got it. Ive only had it since May 26th 2007. I'm hoping that Ill be able to get it sent out to be... blow dried? I mean what else can they do with it? I'm not sure what they can do or if it is even possible to be repaired... from water damage.

Well I guess this is the first CDA that Ive given it away in the same post what the answer was. I'm just too distraught. Overly. So much that I'm even considering asking for a hug. (sigh) Any takers? A nice solid hug, with arms that are strong, comforting and comfortable. I like hugs. By the by, I also wanted to make sure it was clear what my adventure was and that there are no big takers on Options A and B.

I need a hug. I'm tired and feel sappy.

Waking up at 430am for morning sex doesn't agree with me.. anymore. I'm not used to it since Ds schedule changed and were having less sex than before. I just want to go back to bed after work... Am I that lucky??

Nooooo... Today I have to meet... (draws a blank... doesn't want to confuse with tomorrows date...) Oh yes. I have a date with (thinks again to confirm if I'm thinking of the right person..)

Oh yes the date tonight is with B2 or is it B3? B2 I believe. Different names... it just happens to start with the same letter... Giving them numbers would just seem... wrong in a certain camp kind of way. (That's it for the negative connotation in this paragraph)

B2, coffee tonight. J, coffee tomorrow night. Incidentally, they are both at the same location. I'm not sure if that's the smartest thing for me to have done. Make it at the same place. I was thinking of going to a watering hole down the way but Ive already exhausted that location and I'm sure the waitresses think I must be the most popular thing since sliced bread. So I decided to give that place a break. Its one thing to go to the same place with the same people but if you go with different people all the time... well... you know.. Don't want anyone to get the wrong impression :)

I'm just a girl with a sometimes overbooked schedule.

OK so I had some spaghetti and I feel much better. Yes I made it. Not from scratch but it was still very good and Ive been told it tastes like it was made from scratch :) Made with love.. (awww)

Ive been told to let the phone dry out totally and bring it in to get replaced or repaired. I hope they can do that. Its been less than a year so its still under warranty. Lets hope shall we? I'm hoping it miraculously repairs itself and magically removes all charges for the rest of my life from its database LOL I know. I just want it to be OK and if its that bad then to get a new phone.

Ill be in withdrawals. I'm scared to find out how I will be without it. On my person everyday 24 hours, 7 days a week.

Don't worry... I have a backup :) When a girl knows her weakness.. she always makes sure theres a backup (wink)

Hope you all had a great weekend. Will catch up more later...

242 - You Are The Best

D - I'm getting more sleep and I feel better

Darling - That's great, hows your sex life?

D - I know I know its taking a beating.

Darling - Mine too.. if you were wondering

D- It'll get better I promise, I'm thinking a couple of times a week is good

Darling - Whoa tiger. Can you handle it that many times?

D - I know but that should keep you happy

Darling - You have no idea what it will take to keep me happy do you?

D- You're like non-stop!

Which brings up the fact that he thinks I am worse than a guy. Is that possible? I don't know what its like to be a guy so I'm not quite sure.

D - Yeah after you have an orgasm its like a switch and you want more

Darling - Isn't that how everyone is? How can you stop an avalanche? Tell me I'm not the only one that wants to keep going.

D - well... not many people are... I guess.

Darling - hmmm Ill see what I can do about that... (not?)



I asked him if we can meet after I go out.



D - But you're already going out

Darling - I know. I'm talking about afterwards

D - laughs

Darling- I'm trying to fit it all in, make time for everyone.

D - We'll see

K is babysitting a friends cat. He took the cat home to make cat sitting easier on him but ended up losing the cat somewhere inside him house. Hiding from his own cats as now they have to share his attentions.

He tells me that he hasn't the cat in half a day and I assure him she will show up sooner or later. I get a text from K that reads Cat Found!

I reply after a few minutes with, I had no doubt of your ability to attract pussy.

His reply, Cheeky.

I'm glad he doesn't have to explain the disappearance of the cat.

FIFA tonight ladies and gents. Lets hope for a busy, non stop, beer drinking fest. Ive saved my nails from being torn to bits by bringing a simple bottle opener which doubles as my beer tab lifting buddy. It never leaves my hand even as I hand over change. I am the best.

Speaking of the best. Let me share with you my little secret of a pick me up. Sounds a bit loser-ish but I decided to do the same thing to most of the people I have on my phone that can receive text messages. I sent a message to myself saying. YOU ARE THE BEST!!

I wont go into details about affirmations and my thought process. I just know that when I read the message on the screen of my cell phone. I felt like the best. I wanted to share that with everyone I knew so I sent them all messages saying the same thing. Not that I was the best because I already knew that. But that they were the best.

I wanted to spread the feel good feeling. I'm nice like that. Since I know I cant satisfy everyone sexually... That would be a feat wouldn't it? Since I cant do that to my male and female friends I wanted to share some kind of warm fuzzy and make their day a bit better and have them smile at least once. So most of them saw the message and did smile and called or sent me a text back.

I won at the casino last night. Ate well and enjoyed the food, wine and company very much. Lots of conversation and laughter. A few glances to other tables showed groups of men together... looking back. It might have been the chocolate sauce I was licking off of my finger but it could also have been the skirt that seems to get shorter every time I wear it. That or my friends ample bosom. Might be a bit of all of the above.

I don't know how to play craps, I don't understand any of the lingo. But I do understand that I did very well for a long time just throwing the dice. I had no clue what I was trying to have come up. No one would tell me. But they were all happy for a while. Until they did a shift change. I knew I should have stopped and asked to change dice... I'm not even sure if that was OK but I wanted to ask. Didn't get a good vibe and knew it would be a bad roll. So I rolled and got a 7 which apparently wasn't good.

I went off and played roulette and won my money there. I should have stayed and played longer but they wanted to leave so I did. Its OK. Leave when you're ahead right?

I did get a call from D while I was having chocolate covered pineapples asking me not to call or text message him if I was out late and needed someone to call/text. I felt a little insulted and told him not to worry he wont be the lucky recipient of any of that, that night.

I know he didn't mean to insult me. He explained by saying that he would wake up if I called or sent a text and he didn't want to turn his phone off while it was charging...waiting for a call from work ... didn't want to miss it and so on.

That's fine with me. Its a new day today and Ive got plans with K tomorrow. J on Tues. Plans with B to have coffee is TBA.

I wont introduce the others... yet. When theres something to share they'll make their appearance. I still have to go through the process of seeing if there is something worth putting effort in with them.

There is a process you know. Its not just those who are interested welcome. Its an interesting process but its mine and people should have safeguards and procedures they follow otherwise its just a matter of time before things become uncomfortable and weird. Don't ask what the procedure is. Its never the same and usually is different per person but the outcome is the same. The general idea is there and and and...

Oh well more for another time.

Don't forget. YOU ARE THE BEST!! :)

240 - better

I don't know why I didn't just ask him. He did.

D - So do you miss me?
Darling - Well if I say yes too many times when you ask I might inflate your ego a bit.
D - laughs
Darling - This time? just a bit... :)

We've been on a bit of an off schedule you see. His schedule for work doesn't allow for repeated/consecutive midnight rendezvous or afternoon delights. Ive been spoiled and I'm feeling it. He feels it too and we've both mentioned how its affecting our sex lives.

The line when its good, its good. When its bad, its bad comes to mind. Unfortunately.

So he knows I miss him and does he mirror that at all? I don't know as I didn't ask. Silly me. I was shy about asking that and I was thinking that it sounded too much like ... something I don't want to describe.

So I leave it... until I send him a text 30 minutes later saying

Darling - I didn't hear if you said you missed me or not... :)
D - You didn't ask
Darling - OK smarty pants, consider this me asking... and??

10 minutes of no reply... like he does to me when I don't reply right away I send him a...

Darling - Wow not even a little bit? :)

45 minutes later.... 45 minutes of me thinking...

- hes so playing with me right now
- is he kidding me right now
- now is not the time to not have a fully charged cell phone
- did I send that to the right person?
- he must not know I hate waiting
- sigh

I'm thinking those thoughts and I'm not having a freak out girly moment. I'm just cool. Thinking but not over thinking. Smiling and laughing at myself really. I have to laugh, if I don't I might do something that would make this post not as much fun to read. I realize that he must have missed me to call and ask me that question. right? right? right?? yessssssssss

So my thoughts went this way...

- he must like me ... even a little
- SUCCESS!!!! (arms up and a big smile on my face)
- no one would ask that question if they thought the answer would be a no.
- no one likes to be told no :) So he knew it was a yes
- because no one likes to hear the word no and ask questions that gets a no :)
- yipee!!

about 15 -20 minutes later the sweet chime of my cell phone letting me know that I have a text reading...

D - of course I miss you
Darling - Its about time! You could give a girl a complex making a girl wait that long. But its nice to know... :)

Hes got plans for Saturday which I has my pinky toe crossed to see if he would ask me to join him. Not happening but that's OK. Ive got things to do that I need to catch up on so I'm glad that were not getting together on Saturday.

I asked him when we would see each other again as its been a while. Last Sunday morning... well its been since last Sunday since I have had... with him. And Tuesday since we've seen each other... for lunch.

He says he wants to try to get together for Sunday but cant promise anything. I'm not bummed or anything its nice to hear that he wants to. If we don't get together that's OK. I still know that he wants to and right now... that's whats important to me. Plus I get to take care of what I need to in other parts of my life :)

I'm such a girl.

Hes such a boy.

Its so good to be where I am at the moment :)

FIFA tonight I think its Brazil against USA. It should be a good game and I'm bringing my flirt on. As usual :) A CW of mine also wants to bar tend FIFA I forgot to call her. Ooops. I will try to hook her up with it. We shall see.

No plans for the weekend. Something might come up as it usually does. Maybe relax on a patio on a nice cool night after work. I plan on getting out of my shell a little bit and always working on becoming better...

236 - funky thought process

I'm agitated. I'm irritated and I'm more bummed than mad.

D - 'you're mad aren't you?'
Darling - 'no I'm not mad... I'm just not happy'
D - 'ourrrrghh'
Darling - 'Ive been waiting for a long time and I've been looking forward to it... I'm just bummed its not happening.'

Hes been waiting the exact amount of time but it doesn't seem to bother him as much and here is where ill go all funky thought process..

-Hes having sex with someone else which is why it doesn't bother him as much that we aren't having sex.(last night only lol)
-Hes no longer interested in sex... with me.
-He thinks I'm a fat cow and wants to have sex with someone else.
-I'm boring in bed and he wants someone that isn't.

I warned you about the funky thought process! That lasted about 5 minutes so you know. I feel better this morning and a bit silly at how I reacted. Kind of childish as it was a pout and stomp my foot moment.

Actual reason we didn't have sex last night. He had to go. Responsibilities, hes keeping his promises.

I cant really fault him for that. It shows that his word is gold. When he says something its done. Unless it involves sex with me. That's something that can be just be put on the side if something should come up. So far there hasn't been a reason that I don't agree with.

I should really apply some sort of qualification or standard when it comes to getting together with him. I should practice saying no...is that what it sounds like I meant in the previous line? Makes it sound like I never say no and that I am easy doesn't it? Think whatever you want to. I know I'm not having the amount of sex that I clearly want.

Call me a prude I have standards and I wont just jump into bed with just anyone. But when I find someone that I want to jump in bed with you can bet that its often that I want the bed jumping to happen.

Ive said it before. The more sex I have the more sex I want. Its a never ending cycle. Well that's not true. If I stop having sex then Ill still want more sex. just not as much as I would if I were already having sex.

I don't take it all personally. I know that he has things he has to do and cant always take care of me like Id like him to. If he were able to he would he says. That helps make me feel better, but you know what would really make me feel better? Having sex with him.

Its not all about sex but I cant explain it. I want to be able to but I cant. Maybe one day Ill try just for fun and just to be able to work my thoughts out into the open to see if I really am kind of twisted or just plain clueless. Other options to how it will all turn out is available and highly possible.

So no sex for me last night. Though the bartender taking care of us sure was giving me all the right signals. There were winks, secret looks down my body, kisses blown my way and I was with 2 guys. That's balls. Which I of course was highly entertained by.

On the way out. He had parked his car right in front of the pub and I around the corner. No kiss goodbye. No hug. I asked if he was coming over, he looked at his cell and said no time. I wanted to at least have a kiss and I didn't get it. Not even a peck. So when his friend was walking down to us, I just turned around and walked towards my car.

I didn't look back, I didn't care. I just wanted to scream. I couldn't out loud, so I had a mental one instead. I was all geared for sex, ready for it and wasn't getting any encouragement from him. I got in my car and looked at my cell phone thinking who should I call?

I drive and pass them on the road. I don't stop, I just wave when they see me and I keep driving. Why stop? I'm not going to get any. I'm frustrated, irritated and feel like Ive just been rejected.

Enter feeling like a cow. Short skirt I have on with heels and I know they were eyeing other ladies. I don't mind this, look all you want. Just have sex with me after, specially if we've been wanting to get together for a few days. I know I look good and don't really look like a cow otherwise I wouldn't have attracted any attention like I did when I walked into the bar. Its just one of those strange women things that come over us. Really if I could I would rather not feel that way.

My week sexually?

Sex Monday at lunch.
Tuesday, a friend spent the night. Who is the first to ever sleep over the whole night :)
Wednesday I was the recipient of some fantastic oral sex and body massage.
Thursday night held possibilities which did not materialize.
Today being Friday D asked if we could get together for lunch. I don't think it will happen. But its still early.

Weekend plan for sex? If it happens great if not then... There's always next week.

Upcoming plans? Bartending FIFA games. I caught part of the Argentina team practicing and the talent is inspiring and they looked like they were having fun which makes it all so much more appealing.

I had a fleeting thought of Hmmm Athletes. Then I reminded myself that it was FIFA Under 20. which made me laugh at myself.

Canada Day Celebrations this weekend. Long weekend, lots of get togethers, BBQs, much love, hugs and well wishes to go around. Lots of red and white to be worn. No work Monday. Hopefully some patriotic sex to finish off the celebrations :)

Happy Canada Day Everyone!!

235 - until we meet again

Thank you Darling


Please don't take this personally. I can't fall for anyone again as I felt I was for you. Just hurts too much so I have to walk away sorry.


P2

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Is it wrong to be sad that I wont have P2 in my life.
Is it wrong to be glad that I wont have P2 in my life.

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I know I'm good for him. On the other hand I know I'm bad for him.

Hes good for me period. Because hes involved in a small part of my life and not my whole life. Somewhat selfish of me but that's how this relationship works. Its not perfect when I say its good for me. Its just good for me because I don't dwell on the things that I cant control.

If anything hes been trying to break off ties for a while. Scared of falling in love with me. I told him if he does that's OK. Love is a wonderful thing. Would we do anything about it? I'm not so sure as there are circumstances and distances to cross and I don't want to sound odd... but I love him on a whole different level than he does me.

I cant explain his love. Mine can be explained by... loving someone from afar. Knowing that there can never be anything between us. That the beauty of it comes from that. The fantasy of us being together is so beautiful you cant help fall in love.

P2 will always have a piece of me. Hes been in my corner encouraging and guiding me. Its all so appreciated and hes been so helpful.

Whatever you do, whoever you meet, I wish you all the best P2. That's all I ever wanted was the best for you.

233 - bottom line

Garsh!

Did I mention that the place I work isn't very employee friendly? I mean Its all about the bottom line and no matter how well you do its never enough and while they are happy to let you know what you could do better on. Where you go above and beyond isn't recognized.

Is it so hard for employers and management to realize that a happy worker is a more efficient worker? Common sense. Like in a marriage. Happy Wife Happy Life. No one argue please, its true.

When the focus becomes all about how we can make the company bigger, better and richer. Ill admit its great to be able to work together as a group. When there is no incentive, no appreciation, no word of thank you, great job at the end. It leaves a sour taste in my mouth.

Maybe I am an attention whore. Maybe I want to jump up and down while waving my arms in meetings saying look at me, look at me!! Tell me how wonderful I am. Its not just for me though. I want the company to realize that the people that work there is an asset they cant afford to lose.

Are we all the same? We want the most for the least. I want to work the least amount as possible for the most I can get. For them, they want the most out of me for the least they can pay.

I know that if I ever leave here, the place wont fall apart. Someone will be sitting at my desk doing the same thing I was doing. I know though, that it wont be like how I did it. Well.

This is starting to sound gloomy. Ill stop. Just frustrated and cant vocalize it properly.

Ive been asked to go in on a wedding gift for one of my managers. Who frankly @#$% ...%$#@ I looked at the people who were looking at me expecting me to rave over their wonderful idea and thought. This company has done nothing for you. They didn't wish you a happy birthday without someone mentioning it to them when they came in. The card they signed for you wasn't from the company, it came from your coworkers. The cake you went ga ga over came out of someone Else's pocket.

I Just wonder sometimes if its all about the bottom line. Does anyone care?

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This post paints me out to be bitchy. I'm not, I don't mean to be. I'm just sad/mad at how people are treated.

230 - Warnings

I don't quite know how to start this post. I thought of a few interesting and honestly quite funny introductions but then thought I might seem a bit loopy given what has happened in the last 24 hours.

I am a new owner of 4 stitches. On the fourth finger of my right hand. I spent a total of 5 hours in ER. That's wait time included.

How this happened. Details aren't going to be given as they will surely show how much of a perfectionist I am. All you need to know is, glass when broken and I do not go well together.

When it happened I knew instantly without seeing the blood or looking at my finger that it was bad. CAll me clairvoyant. I didn't feel pain. I didn't feel nausea, I felt mad, angry and very shallow. Mad at the fact that I am a perfectionist, that if I wasn't so much of one... then I wouldn't be in that situation. Id have my finger intact. Angry that the hand is the same hand that had the previous unfortunate incident deforming my, because of that incident, less than perfect self. HA! Shallow because I just wanted my hands to remain as they were prior to all the hand drama. I didn't want anything to ruin .... me. (blush) I know better though. Plus theres always reconstructive surgery HA!

Its a finger, I know. I have others. Why focus on this finger? No real reason other than its mine and its no longer the same. Ive got stitches and I don't think they were done well. Its just not done pretty. There goes my perfectionist streak. I wanted to tell her to redo them but shed already poked me enough trying to get it done. I had an intern. She talked while she was doing the procedure. Not talked to me about things to take my mind off of what was happening but talked to herself.

... I wonder which stitch I should use...
... Should I try and do another one here or would that not work?...
... I don't want to keep poking holes in the finger so I think Ill stop there...

They froze my finger, maybe just so they can poke more holes than was necessary. They wanted to put in a syringe full of the freezing stuff and I looked at her and asked her where she thinks all that fluid would go. She pricked me in 3 places and my finger looked like it was going to explode. I was scared. She didn't need a third of what was in the syringe.

We took pictures before they cleaned it all off. We need something to go eww over later on. This is a great story to tell LOL Which is why I'm telling it now :) Maybe picture sometime in the future. Of my bloody finger that is :)

My sister asked me if I could feel anything, I said no. She told me not to make that face. I asked which one and she said the one that looks like you can feel it. I told her it was my eyes seeing something that should be causing pain but not feeling it. Mind games. I smiled at her and we laughed. She told me that that wasn't much better as I was gritting my teeth.

When my hand and the Intern was sterile my finger was poking out of the cloth and I told my sister it looked like a very small penis. We laughed and the Intern asked what was funny. We told her and she said that my finger was the third finger shed had to stitch that day and that shed never heard that before. She said she was going to picture working on a penis... I told her to be gentle It was my first time. We all shared a laugh.

So 5 hours, some sliced chicken courtesy of my sister and the dinner she just came from, a bottle of water, good laughs and catching up with my sister. Getting home at midnight, walking the dogs, taking a shower... with a latex glove and rubber bands... Ill leave it to your imagination... I went to bed to wake up at 4am with a throbbing fourth finger. I wasn't able to go back to sleep. I tossed and turned and wondered at how to make things feel better. My sister had my ice pack, I had no Tylenol 3 that Ive just learned exists and I was told would take away the pain and put me in a euphoric state... when did Tylenol 2 come out? Is there such a thing?

I don't take pills you see... aside from birth control, that's just common sense. So, no pills for me if I can help it. If my doctor says I need to take it then I do but I try not to take anything.

So woke up and got a text from D asking me if I am OK. He just got the text I sent the night before, letting him know about what happened. I didn't hear back from him. I thought he was asleep. He was. He felt bad and cursed his phone for not waking him when I sent the message.

He cares...?

I contemplated taking the day off but realized that this was the long work week that I have and it wouldn't do not to show up at J1 and then show up at J2. I would have stayed away from work had I not been scheduled to work at J2.

Which brings me here, writing this post about what happened last night. Nothing exciting. Kind of dramatic, but still filled with laughter.

I'm a bit worried though, about how sex will affect my finger. I'm a bit worried as sex promotes blood flow... Don't want any blood flow... well excessive blood flow in my right hand. I feel a bit self conscious with it and I'm thinking of what positions I can be in for sex. No pressure at all on it. Cant accidentally hit it on anything as that would bring back the focus to my finger. I'm going on a late lunch and going home for some much needed distraction. I'm looking to focus my mind on a different kind of throb on a different sort of ... appendage. (can I call it that?) on a different sort of person.

My warning to D... Be careful... my finger is fragile.

His reply. Its not your finger you should be worried about.

So much for warnings.

222 - irritated

I'm irritated. Was supposed to meet D for lunch and that didn't happen. I called him at 12:15 like he asked and woke him up from a dead sleep. I felt bad. He said he'd call back. He didn't. I sent a couple of texts his way and got one back at 2:30 letting me know hes sorry and he just got up.

I'm irritated. He sends me another text message saying he'll make it up to me. I hate waiting. I waited. I hate being stood up. I was stood up. So I ate lunch and was irritated with it. It gave me no satisfaction. Not this time.

I'm irritated. My sister and I are trying to set something up with my brother who I have sent numerous text messages to. No replies to any one of them. I was also worried that he was hurt somewhere and couldn't get in touch with me or my sister.

I'm irritated as hes all defensive when I ask him if hes OK and let him know that its polite to get back to someone. Specially if they are family, specially if its to spend some time with them to honor how they are getting older but apparently not smarter. I'm sorry that was uncalled for. I take it back.

I'm irritated as I wanted to go out for dinner with them during the week so I can cry like a baby this weekend when I have to put the Little one down. Now I have to take care of the little one Saturday morning and then celebrate their stupid birthdays.

I'm irritated and shouldn't say their stupid birthday. I just don't know if I can keep it all together.

I'm irritated as 2 days ago was my Aunts Birthday and I didn't even call her to say Happy Birthday. I forgot.

I'm irritated as no one called me to remind me. I know its not anyone else's fault mine but I remind people about other peoples birthdays so they don't look like an idiot.

I'm in the mood to fight. I want to fight and then have angry sex.

I know I wont fight with anyone. I'm not a fighter. I also know that I wont have angry sex.

Ill be celibate for the next 4 days... the joy of being a woman and all that jazz.

OK So hes called me back and is taking the afternoon off of work, not necessarily to spend time with me. But he said he would which is nice. We'll end up doing things together, though this should be telling as we will be spending time together which doesn't involve bodies rubbing against each other. As much as we both would like that... I'm not 100% sure it will happen. Stranger things have happened right?

The heat here today is perfect if a bit much for beach weather. I felt like going but decided against it. Ill be leaving early today, apparently D wants to try something new. I'm curious as to what it is...

I can tell hes looking forward to getting together, I have a mental scream if things go boom because there may be no sex involved in the afternoon/evening we'll be spending together. I wonder how that's going to turn out. I might be tempted to start discussions that I might be ready for.

Ill keep myself busy and have a mouthful of something or another to stop from having that conversation. I mean what? Its only been about 3 and 1/2 months since we've met. That cant be/mean anything. HA!

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- not looking forward to tomorrow,
- will sleep with the Little One tonight
- Treat the Little One to more treats and fanfare
- still conflicted over it all
- Hope you all have a great weekend.