275 - Another Day :)

Today is my Birthday.

I'm now 28. :) lol I dont notice how I get older.
I don't look any different.
Feel pretty fantastic
I slept well last night.
Had a great dinner with a friend.

Got a call from one of the other girls at work in a different dept.
I went in. She wasn't feeling well.
I was in the mood to go out to celebrate my last day being 27.
Somehow it didn't happen.
I was hit hard by the sleepies.

D and I talked for a bit. Not as long or as much as we usually do.
I took a shower, said my prayers.. well started them and went to sleep mid prayer.
Oops.

I woke up bright and early.
Took The Big Dog for a walk/jog then a run.
I wonder if she knows what today is.
Silly thought.

Random thoughts in my head.
Write email to Dad letting him know that I love him.
thanking him for the things I grew up with,
letting him know that I didn't want for anything,
that I hope hes happy with me and how Ive lived my life so far.

Things have been planned for the day already.
I wonder if people would be upset if I just wanted to hang out at my place and relax.
I hope people at work don't make a big deal out of today.
I hate being put on the spot.
I would rather have someone play with a certain spot.

I think I should have called in sick.
Too late, people have seen me and that just wouldn't be good.

Things to do.

Pay cell phone bill.
Call bank and ask why they are holding my last deposit.
Pick up some veggies at the groceries.
Book appointment at the spa for some pampering.
Check in on Gramma
Check and reply to emails, text and phone messages
Ride the roller coaster that is my thoughts.

I want to meet D for sex this afternoon. I also want to meet him for lunch. I'm leaning towards lunch... although it would be a great thing to have both. Not only because Its my the big 2-8 but because its Tuesday. Tomorrow would be Wednesday and that's a great way to celebrate!

Ive gotten a call from A and he was all sweet about singing to me. Hes had to go to the Doctors a few times and I know there are things hes not telling me. Which is OK. I don't mind. I'm still a little concerned. Its not my place to pry so if he wants to share more then he will. Ill just be around if he needs me.

So heres to another year. Ive yet to come up with things I want to do while Im 28. There are still some that have yet to be crossed off the list from last year so Ill still work on those.

The journey continues and I hope that its always interesting and exciting.

Have a fantastic day!!

251 - Memory

Hmmm does anyone else forget the last time they were in coitus?

The last time I had sex was early Monday morning. Remember? I didn't. I should consult this blog more often to see what Ive been up to. D and I were texting and it seems like its been a while since we had sex and I mentioned that to him and he asked me if I forgot about Monday. I did forget... until he reminded me of it.

Now in my defence. I was extremely sleepy while this exchange was happening and felt all sorts of lazy and had an overall want to be outside and not working.

How could I forget about sex with D Monday at 4:30am? easy. I was half asleep then.. and I was half asleep at the time I needed to remember it. Which adds to memory malfunction.

I do feel bad about not being able to recall it. I did however tell him in detail what happened on that early morning rendezvous. How he pulled the blankets over us both, gathered me close so our bodies were flushed and how he teased me with his fingers until he thought I was ready enough for him to slip himself...

I just wanted to let him know that I didn't forget :) So I reminded him.

He doesn't buy it though he still thinks I forgot. How do I make it up to him? I don't really need to make it up to him I just want to so he can have his way with me sexually. That way we both win. Always look for win win situation. Remember that everyone! Never withhold sex in any relationship. That's wrong and that means no one gets any.

Which brings me to this next issue. Is my memory really that bad? I know I hit my head that one time but I didn't think it would affect anything. The Big Dog and I were playing and she felt the need to swing her hammer head right on the side of my head about 2-3 inches from my left temple. I had a headache for a few minutes and couldn't comfortably open my mouth for about 10-15 minutes.

Thoughts that went through my mind at that time goes as follows.

I hope this doesn't cause any damage as I shake my head and say 'ow'.
Gosh this must be what a migraine feels like. Or a bad headache anyway.
I wonder if that's the one spot that really vulnerable? I hope not
Silly dog
Silly me for that matter.
If I'm not able to open my mouth... ill lose weight because I wont eat so much
If I'm not able to open my mouth... Ill never perform oral sex again
I hope the pain goes away soon...

It did go away... and came back about a week ago when... I was walking the Big Dog and I had my hands full when a lucky mofer of a mosquito bit me an inch or so from my hairline on the left side causing the exact same feeling to occur. Minus the headache which means not quite exactly but close. It was the difficulty opening my mouth widely. You know for a good satisfying... yawn.

It eventually went away as did the identifying bump of the flying nuisance and for your information I continue to eat :)

OK so I don't ordinarily forget when the last time I had sex was. I really was sleepy. So I'm asking... if you were sleeping with someone and you realized they forgot the last time you were physically together. What would you think?

250 - Better mood

The world has righted itself again. Was it off kilter in the first place you wonder? Well maybe not your world but mine was just a teeny tiny bit.

My cell phone bill about $180.00
My cell phone was kaput.
Had to put The Little One to sleep.
Meet and greets aren't turning out so neat and sweet.

How has it righted itself?

I called my cell phone provider and managed to lower the bill to $68.08. I also managed to get until the end of Sept2007 free local calls and texts.

Leaving my cell phone laying in the sun on my bed with the fan blowing over it Its ALIVE! Its good to know that other people have gone through it and advice/tips are always worth listening to.

I had a dream with The Little One in it and shes happy. Theres a small weight off my shoulders as I was a little worried.

Its all a matter of time that the next meet and greet will be neat and sweet. Plus just because they might not be in the soup doesn't mean I just toss them aside. Ive made a new friend :)

247 - distractions

Sunday

I sleep in. I have no energy. I feel numb. I stay in bed. When I get bored of my bed, I move myself to the couch. When I get bored of the couch, I get up, dressed, washed up and walk the dog for an hour. No real direction just walking.

I return home and feed The Big Dog. I wonder if she knows what happened. If she cares. Im sure she does. She looks bored too. Probably my fault. Im a big ball of boredom. We play tug of war a little bit and get her to do some tricks for treats.

Ive been told were watching a movie before I have to go work FIFA. My brother, sister and her boyfriend and I watch Harry Potter instead of 1408 as I was running a bit late and ended up in the shower when they drove up to my building. I'm usually not late. They don't give me a hard time about it but I apologize for it as its only polite.

We have buckets of popcorn and drinks. I don't eat much of the popcorn. Working in a movie theater for a few years ruined me for popcorn. It was a lot of fun to work there and get all my friends in for free.


Successfully getting my mind and body away from the apt and where The Little Ones images would affect me. They drop me off at home where I change and drive to serve beer to soccer fans. Argentina vs Mexico.

My luck? I get there and they tell me I'm in charge of my bar that night. (sigh) More responsibility. More attention to detail and more focusing required for the night. I wasn't happy about it but I got it all taken cared of. Did my counts and got my product out and ready.

The game went well. I saw some people that I hadn't seen in a while. Got their numbers and made sure my bar ran smoothly.

D and I had plans for after the game. I was looking forward to it. Very much. It feels like a long time since we've gotten together. Work had me stay a bit longer than I would like but I still made it to my place with enough time to change into something he hasn't seen me in before. More importantly, something I wanted to remove for his viewing pleasure.. which I know leads to mine.

246 - Life is Precious

Saturday


Woke up with The Little One curled up by my side. I take deep breaths and calm myself. We lay in bed together for a while until she walks to the edge of the bed wanting off. I pick her up and walk her to the bathroom where she watches me brush my teeth, wash my face and put on clothes for the walk.

Both dogs are with me outside. The Little One is sitting on the grass, nose up in the air, eyes squinted up at the sun. The Big Dog and I walk further and further away. She continues to sit. I tear up a little bit and wipe them off with the back of my hand.

We return to where she sits and I lay back staring up at the sky. I look at her and memories from when we first brought her home came to mind. Memories of her not being able to jump on the sidewalk came to mind. Playing tug of war. So many memories. I shed a few more tears and shes there beside me comforting me. Still.

I trim her nails and give her a haircut a a quick bath. I dry her off and take a quick shower myself. I get dressed all the while shes on my bed. I think this is the only time Ive ever let her sleep with me since Ive moved out to this apt. I'm glad to have had a night with her.

I make a few phone calls and head out. I bring The Little One with me. Shes on my lap her head out the window. I hope she enjoys it. I try to take the long way to get her to enjoy it as long as she can. Its her last car ride.

I meet my sister there and I go in to let them know we've arrived. The clerk asks if I want to take care of payment before. I say yes. I feel numb. I seem to be blinking a little faster. Keeping the tears away. We get her weight. Shes one pound less than the last time we came in a few weeks ago. She stays seated on the weight pad where we've placed her. She doesn't want to stand up or cant very well at this point.

My sisters dog comes to her and The Little One doesn't care much for her. She looks at me and I smile, tell her shes a good girl.

A catheter is put in one of her legs. The vet comes in and asks if we have any questions. I cant speak for fear of losing it. I shake my head. Tears are flowing now and I stay quiet. We spend some time with her. Petting her and talking out loud. To her, about her. How...

We knock on the door and the vet returns with a needle. She asks us if we are ready and want to stay. I nod my head and still cant speak for the lump in my throat wont allow it. The Little One is looking up at me and the vet injects the contents into her blood stream.

Her body sways and falls into the vets hand and shes gently laid down on her side. I still cant speak, the tears are non stop. I can barely see clearly out of them I blink the tears away. I don't have a voice. But I mouth out. I love you. One day we'll all be together. I'm sorry.

Were left alone for a few minutes with her and we all let the tears come and I have a paw in my hand. We say a prayer and wish her a safe journey.

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In an effort not to have me alone. They take me out for lunch and some retail therapy. I'm thankful for it and I am only reminded of what happened when I return home. Where I look at The Little Ones things and toys.

I go off to work, thankful that Im kept busy for another few hours. Theres a part of me that feels bad about making the decision. The other part knows that it was time and that it was the right thing to do.

Life is precious.

245 - Intimate

Fri night.

Had dinner with K at my place. Thai food. One of my favorites. Caught up on a lot of things as its been a while since Ive last seen him. He wore this black dress shirt with white vertical stripes that looked very good on him. Stylish.

Spent time with The Little One. Passed along messages from my Dad in San Diego that he loves her and misses her, that shes been a great part of the family.

I had the intentions of going for groceries after work which never happened. Dont worry I am far from starving.

I walked K down and got into my car. I went to the corner store to get a bottle of water. Walked to the DQ beside the store to use the ladies room. Drove to meet D and his friend for drinks. Much fun.

A little frustrating as D and I didnt have sex at the end of the night. Even after repeated mentions of my intentions. I left 20 minutes before they did and he noticed that I was a little 'not myself'.

I didnt want to wait until they both finished their drinks so I decided to leave. I had to have some control over something, anything obviously my libido wasnt listening to me. So I decided to leave. It was almost closing time for the place anyway. Kiss for D and a quick hug for his friend.

I walked out and didnt look back. Im home and my phone rings. Its D.

D - Youre mad arent you?
Darling - No Im not mad, really. I know you wanted to but couldnt. Im not mad.
D - If this was 3 years ago.. even 2 years ago. Things would be different.
Darling - Yeah
D - I wouldnt have let you walk out of there alone. Theres no way. I wouldnt have taken you there at all. We would just head to your place.
Darling - Theres a thought :)
...

Theres something honest and vulnerable about him during the phone call. I mean I could have been wrong. But there was something there. I know I felt assured... of something. It was a nice feeling. It felt kind of like the after sex cuddle. Intimate. Thats the word.

I pick up The Little One and take her to bed with me. I talk to her and tell her everything that doesnt get voiced with anyone else. I cry. I pull her close to me and she crawls up to my face and licks the tears away. I battle with the conflict in my mind and hold her close.

We fall asleep together. I hope tomorrow doesnt come.

241 - additions

I'm thinking in my head that this is something that needs to be dealt with. Its something that I cant have looming up at me in the middle of the day. I blame D. No, I cant, its not all his fault. He was just the trigger. He started this all with an orgasm. Now I want more.

Hes not able to. Give me more that is. So I'm left to my own devices... and quite frankly I don't want to be left with my devices. Time to bring in The Soup. This is why The Soup exists :)

I had to go run a couple of errands and then had planned on meeting with J. Who called to reschedule. ARGGHH!! That's OK. Hes working on opening up his pool and wanted to get it all done in one day. I was invited to use it anytime. I wonder if he decided to open his pool because he heard about my bikini that I wanted to use and have yet to. That couldn't be it.

I put myself under house arrest when I got home. Kind of climbed the walls for a little while. meditated but all I had in my mind were images of me in various positions with blissful expressions on my face. Meditation didn't help. So I put on some music and danced. Soon I noticed that stripper like songs were coming on and that just reminded me of nakedness.

I indulged in some moves that didn't involve a pole and laughed at myself. Still it was a good time. Maybe one day ill have that pole.

I played tug of war with The Big Dog. I win. I always win. Cant have her win otherwise she gloats :) I spent some time with The Little One. Shes not doing so well anymore. For a while she was doing very well. The eye drops and ear ointment seem to have helped a lot. But other things are coming up and shes not looking as happy.

The quality of life has gone down and its time. Really. I'm glad to have has this extra time with her. Its been great. My brother has been spending more time with her as well and has also noticed the decline.

I though to myself if I was in her position what would I want. To go.

Playing with the Little One took me out off of the train to orgasm and made me spend more time with them. Good times. Took some pictures. Told them secrets no one else knows. I know they wont tell anyone. I talked about this and that which helped get it off my chest and mind.

I tired them out and they both went to their beds which are side by side. I went to my room and slept.

Didn't want to get up this morning. Having a lazy day. Nap time for sure later on and then Casino night with a girlfriend and her dad. Should make for an interesting night.

D couldn't meet for lunch today. His dad is coming by to discuss a few things and plan some other things with him. Bummer. Maybe tonight after the casino? We shall see.

I sent K a text while I was in bed last and he called me back immediately. Caught up on things and made plans to meet this Friday night. Hes coming over with dinner. August is coming up fast so I think ill take advantage, I don't think he will mind. I'm also going to pick his male brain apart. He thinks its cute when I do and likes the way I think out loud when were together. Says it gives him an insight to me.

B is in TO until next week. I talked to him for a while too last night and we had a good conversation. We'll get together sometime when he returns. Maybe catch a movie. B called about an hour or so ago thinking I wouldn't answer. He was surprised to hear me answer and I think I flustered him a little bit. He wanted to find out how I slept last night and was planning on leaving me a message. Seeing as he was the last person I talked to. He called and interrupted my sleep which I told him he would pay dearly for. So he sang me a lullaby... well.. he started... didn't finish but he did lull me back to sleep. Bidding me sweet dreams. Nice voice.

So his call today was to let me know hes on his way to Alberta, has a meeting there and will be back in TO tonight. How man will travel. I told him I wasn't happy that I wasn't invited on the trip. Maybe next time he says. We shall see wont we. So when hes back in Ottawa he'll call me again. Looking forward to it B.

B1 is new. Not to be mistaken for B(above) He is interesting. They both are. But B1 is interesting with a twist. Wont go into details yet about him just yet. Ill let things settle first. Hes calling me tonight sometime to discuss when we can go for a drink. I think hes trying to be a 'good boy' and not upset me. It will be interesting with him.

I just called D and told him I was hit by the hornies. He growled something sexy in my ear which didn't help in the pooling dept. Oh how sweet it would have been to meet for a quickie. He thinks I'm constantly on the go. Both socially and sexually. He likes it but I get the feeling he doesn't like it at the same time. Oh well. Ill continue to do what I do.

We had a conversation about Las Vegas and how he wanted to go... I told him I wanted to go too... yes Ill admit I wanted him to ask me to go with him. (blush) He didn't. So I said that's OK Ill go with a friend who I have been meaning to go with for the longest time :) The time is coming. I hope. Should be fun.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas... well... of course Ill blog about it. Don't you worry. Sharing is caring, right?!?

He mentioned going to a place where it might be better if I went with a boyfriend... and I said 'well seeing as I don't have one of those at the moment. I think Ill have to make it on my own' again.. I was fishing. Don't ask me what I was thinking. I was fishing and kind of wanted to find out what we are. Which I already know but I want to make sure by hearing it from him and all this just left me in the exact same place as I was before.

Right here :)

232 - recap

My week so far

Mon J1, sex with D at lunch, after J1 off to J2, then home to nurse my finger. Walked, played and fed the dogs. Mentally surrounded myself with a healing aura. Showered. D cancels due to something coming up and that's OK with me. I'm pretty understanding and try not to freak out about everything.

Tues J1, actual lunch with D, after J1 off to J2, then out with drinks with a friend. Home, walked, played and fed the dogs, showered then fell asleep meanwhile D was outside my Apt building trying to get in to see me. He tried calling and texting, nothing woke me up. Or so he says. How could I have missed an opportunity to have sex? Unheard of! I told him to throw rocks at my window if that should ever occur, which it shouldn't. He was worried about hitting the old lady's window on the 4th floor. I told him to aim high enough to hit my window on the 12th floor.

Wed J1, no lunch with D but had a fantastic nap. Was in a meeting all afternoon and then off to J2. Then out for drinks with one of my GFs and her SO who just got back from Mexico. Good times. Home, walked, played and fed the dogs. Sent D a text asking if he missed me. He replied 'of course I missed you' That made me blush. I'm such an attention whore. (sometimes)

Thursday (today) J1, no lunch with D, then off to J2. I don't want to go out tonight and do anything, I just want to catch up on sleep. Working 15 hour days and going out for a few more hours socializing til the wee hours have allowed the nappies to hit me more often. D is working his last shift for this stretch and he will be starting his new one Monday.

Tomorrow is Friday. D and I are spending it together. I don't know what were doing. Most probably going out to a patio for drinks, weather permitting that is. I'm hoping for a long night of hot and heavy recreational activities.

No plans for the weekend though I have to wonder if I want to go to work with my finger all stitched up. I might just have to wear those finger condoms.

Update on the finger, Its doing well. No more bandages and I haven't managed to reopen anything which surprises me as Ive been running around. Its fun, nothing spectacular.

Just Darling.

224 - chicken a la moi

My sister calls it chickening out. I dont know what I would call it. Difficult is what I thought of. I couldnt go through with it. Putting the Little One down.

You should have seen her while we were at the vet. She was romping around, looking like she owns the place smiling away, clueless of the reason we were there.

Everyone there gave her a rub, scratch or a pat on the head. Shes so well behaved. No limping. No coughing and no little accidents while we were inside. Even my sister commented on her youthful appearance and demeanor.

We decided that she was faking it for she must have realized what was happening. Smart dog, how could I think of going through with this? My sister hands me tissues from her purse and tells me to hold on to these I might need it. That makes me tear up a bit more.

The vet and I go through whats been happening and how she has been as of late and she recommended that we try a couple of things and if they dont improve then we can go ahead and follow through with it. She said its my decision and she would support whatever it is 100%.

Ill have to put drops in her eyes every 12 hours and squeeze ointment in her ear. Ill also have to get a urine sample to the vet to check how her kidneys are doing. Any ideas??

My thoughts on it? Im glad shes still around. I feel strange that she might not have been here this morning. Its not a big deal for me to give her drops and do this and that to see if things improve. I have to try right? One day ill have to go through this and actually have to...

I didnt think I would cry. I thougth I prepared myself for it as every day I would think about it and her and see her and spend time with her.trying to find someglimmer of understanding on her part that would let me know that shes ok or not ok. I never got that. All I got was her usual pant for, treat? food or walk? expectancy look.

D calls me a couple of times during the night asking how I am. He knows I must be feeling off. Nice guy.

So were still all together. My dad called during dinner and we told him that The Little One is still around. He was happy though sounded exhausted. My sister and I wish we could win the lottery so we can give my dad the option of retiring. Hes works so hard and I know he loves what he does, but I want him to be healthy, happy and rested.

My sister bought lottery tickets last night. Were planning on getting a few from different places around the city. I know. I wont get my hopes up too high, enough to make me kick myself though but thats about all :) Thats minor compared to other things happening.

Come on, 37 million? Doesnt hurt to try, right?

Oh yes, I almost forgot. Im leaving early today and Im meeting someone from the soup category M who visits me every so often for a delectable afternoon. Hes got something new to try too. If its suitable, I just might end up blogging about it...

223 - circle of friends

D and I spent Friday night together. ok spent part of Friday night together. Not the whole thing. I got off work and rushed home for a quick shower, walked and played with the dogs and just got things done so I can be out for the night. The apt is cleaned and tidy, nothing embarrassing and personal lying around that other people might see. Those are all stored in a safe and secret and totally unguessable place :)

He calls me and lets me know hes coming soon and asks me where I am. I tell him that I'm home and he says hes on his way. He gives me a couple of options as to what we can do. Either stay in or go out for drinks. If were staying in he can pick up a few things and be over as soon as he can or we could find a patio and have drinks there.

We christen my bathroom a couple of times and that's the something new he was talking about. Or is it? Ill leave it to your imagination. No, no hints :)

We decide to go to a bar that I hadn't been to before. That could be the something new.. I know you're wondering now :) I was happy either way to stay in or go out, I wanted to stay in because of the fabulous job my AC was doing, but I also wanted to go sit on a patio and have drinks with him. Ill suffer the humidity :)

I wear a jean skirt and a t-shirt that says busy being single in front. He laughs at that shirt and I do too. It wasnt as awkward as I thought it would be, but it was different. I just went with it and enjoyed myself and him and the night.

The bar isn't very crowded. We sit at a table and order drinks. We decide to go for doubles after the first round as the waitress doesn't come by very often. We talk, flirt and talk some more. As glasses are emptied and more come by. Our topics get more personal.

There was a lot of kissing a lot of hugging and at one point I told him I wanted to get on his lap for some fun. He thought about it and told me to hold that thought for later that night. He looked around at the crowd and said that it might start something...

I laughed and we continued to drink. He talked about his family and his friends. How he feels about them and basically shared that hes passionate about friends and family. Awesome.

We also talked about fidelity and marriage, we see eye to eye on that though he might be a bit more open about things that I thought I was. But its easier said than done, for much in life right?

I did something stupid. I laugh at myself for the sheer stupidity of it but I thought what the hell. I told him I liked him and then I found out that its just going to be a friends with benefits thing. Until the fun runs out and then nothing. I don't even think that I meant to tell him that I liked him. I mean I knew I did, but like him as a person. I know who tells people these things? I do. So anyway I got that answer. He gave me a hug after that and said a few things that I didn't hear. all I heard was laughter in my head at how silly I was.

So there. I know what this is. I went through the usual.. whats wrong with me.. and didn't come up with an answer to that so... I'm all right :) Actually even better as things are clear. I'm no longer confused. Kind of bummed but all in all, much better. The amount of alcohol stunted any negative reactions to that :)

I like him as a person, hes great in bed. An all around good guy and if something happened later on then something happens. Its one of those things that I think will be a great .. friendship. No matter how things go. Were both pretty laid back and I think Ive just added a lifer to my circle of friends.

Now onto other things. The Little One is still with me. Plans changed and the Vet asked if I would be OK to rebook for tonight. I said that's no problem. I get to spend more time with her. The weekend was great we went to the park and I gave her a haircut, trimmed her nails and fed her like shes a Queen. The Big One was a tad jealous. But she was treated as well.

So its on for tonight, after work. Then my sister is taking me out for some heavy drinking or as much as I need. Might just be a glass of wine to toast the Little One. I think I'm just scared that I'M doing the wrong thing. That it wont be whats right. Arg.

Shes pretty darn cute though and she still looks the part of a puppy. Shell always be a puppy to me which is why its hard to let her go. Well, Ill leave it at that.

222 - irritated

I'm irritated. Was supposed to meet D for lunch and that didn't happen. I called him at 12:15 like he asked and woke him up from a dead sleep. I felt bad. He said he'd call back. He didn't. I sent a couple of texts his way and got one back at 2:30 letting me know hes sorry and he just got up.

I'm irritated. He sends me another text message saying he'll make it up to me. I hate waiting. I waited. I hate being stood up. I was stood up. So I ate lunch and was irritated with it. It gave me no satisfaction. Not this time.

I'm irritated. My sister and I are trying to set something up with my brother who I have sent numerous text messages to. No replies to any one of them. I was also worried that he was hurt somewhere and couldn't get in touch with me or my sister.

I'm irritated as hes all defensive when I ask him if hes OK and let him know that its polite to get back to someone. Specially if they are family, specially if its to spend some time with them to honor how they are getting older but apparently not smarter. I'm sorry that was uncalled for. I take it back.

I'm irritated as I wanted to go out for dinner with them during the week so I can cry like a baby this weekend when I have to put the Little one down. Now I have to take care of the little one Saturday morning and then celebrate their stupid birthdays.

I'm irritated and shouldn't say their stupid birthday. I just don't know if I can keep it all together.

I'm irritated as 2 days ago was my Aunts Birthday and I didn't even call her to say Happy Birthday. I forgot.

I'm irritated as no one called me to remind me. I know its not anyone else's fault mine but I remind people about other peoples birthdays so they don't look like an idiot.

I'm in the mood to fight. I want to fight and then have angry sex.

I know I wont fight with anyone. I'm not a fighter. I also know that I wont have angry sex.

Ill be celibate for the next 4 days... the joy of being a woman and all that jazz.

OK So hes called me back and is taking the afternoon off of work, not necessarily to spend time with me. But he said he would which is nice. We'll end up doing things together, though this should be telling as we will be spending time together which doesn't involve bodies rubbing against each other. As much as we both would like that... I'm not 100% sure it will happen. Stranger things have happened right?

The heat here today is perfect if a bit much for beach weather. I felt like going but decided against it. Ill be leaving early today, apparently D wants to try something new. I'm curious as to what it is...

I can tell hes looking forward to getting together, I have a mental scream if things go boom because there may be no sex involved in the afternoon/evening we'll be spending together. I wonder how that's going to turn out. I might be tempted to start discussions that I might be ready for.

Ill keep myself busy and have a mouthful of something or another to stop from having that conversation. I mean what? Its only been about 3 and 1/2 months since we've met. That cant be/mean anything. HA!

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- not looking forward to tomorrow,
- will sleep with the Little One tonight
- Treat the Little One to more treats and fanfare
- still conflicted over it all
- Hope you all have a great weekend.

216 - faking it

Lost the hockey game against the Ducks last night. I didn't watch it. I stayed home and spent some time with the little dog. Took pictures and just had a lazy evening. All this, of course after D comes over. We tried to take a nap. As he sent a text earlier that day asking if it was OK if he took a nap, he was exhausted. I thought it was a joke and said of course. I even told him Id wear something so I wouldn't distract him.

So he came over and we got into bed. As promised I had on something to not distract him. I was however distracted by the tent he was pitching and decided to investigate and see what all the fuss was about. The fuss took an hour and change of my time but we got all the details out and into the open.

We did end up taking nap and even though I wasn't wearing anything it was nice. Kind of strange at first as it usually is when its the first time ever that you're resting/sleeping/letting yourself sleep with someone new. Yes that's right. This would be the first time ever that he slept here... with me. The first time ever that Ive had someone else sleep in my bed in my apartment.

We didn't fall asleep right away, I couldn't. I was still kind of in a haze of details that was just uncovered by the investigation that involved teamwork. Still stimulated, I felt a little uncomfortable about sleeping with him. I wonder if he felt the same way?

I hate to admit it but I faked it. I hate to say that Ive never done that before. Faked it I mean. I'm usually all for it, get in there and take what you can get. Its not always that you have time in the middle of the day to do something like it and its always nice when you have someone else there. I mean Ive done it by myself often and for many years, I come out all satisfied, energized and wanting more, some days more than once or twice. I'm a big fan of making sure its done at least once a day, if you can get it. Its also nice if it lasts more than 15 minutes and if you go deep. If you can make it last for 30 minutes then personally that's just wonderful.

I wasn't sure how to position myself. Do I just pretend hes not here and take up the whole bed? Sprawl out or be take the lest amount of room possible. Do I snuggle against him? Does he even like that? Lean my head on his shoulder? No I didn't do that it was too hot. Not the air but our body temperature. That would just make my cheek stick to his chest. Not attractive.

Do I spoon with him? Should I be the outside or the inside of the spoon? I didn't know. So in the end I just turned away from him and to my side. I thought maybe ill just see what he does. No spooning. Just as well. I didn't want to start dissecting reasons for why or why nots.

I think turning away from him was the signal for conversation to wane and he eventually fell asleep. How could I tell? His breathing and the hand against my back was still and not moving. I mean... thinking about it now... for all I know, he could have been faking it too. I doubt it.

He got out of bed to get his phone when it rang and he told whoever was on the other line he'd meet them at 7pm and came back to bed. This time we spooned. Me on the outside. Bodies were flushed against each other as it was the first time and I'm just shy sometimes when it comes to things like this. Sex all for it. Spooning? Have no clue.

When his alarm went off, he took a quick shower and then put the glass he used in the sink. Thoughtful. I like! He played with the little dog for a few minutes while I played with the big dog. Cute, he knows that the dogs time is coming and I'm glad that he spent some time with her.

While changing the sheets I was thinking about earlier with D. It made me kind of giggle that Ive never faked it before.. I wonder if he noticed that I wasn't napping.

214 - self defence

My sister and I were early for the self defence class that was scheduled for last night. We watched some hockey in different arenas and then walked into the room the class was being held and we in the way only we as sisters could create silliness. Made up a dance routine. Much like our synchronized swim routine we choreographed years ago.

Legs kicking, arms curving in the air, chests out and laughter that you couldn't resist joining. We laughed for a good solid 30 minutes. There was a wall of mirrors so that we could really work with it and on the opposite wall from the mirrors were windows to view one hockey arena. I talked her into doing the routing on front of the mirrors. What a hoot!

We did handstands cartwheels and all this with laughter. Mostly at memories of us doing that on the front lawn of the house when we were younger and cars honking at us.

Good times.

We sat for a bit and walked around a bit when we both got tired. All that laughing, dancing and having a great time really takes a lot out of you. We sat and talked about how great it would be to nap. When the self defence instructor arrived.

We were a bit bummed that he came at all because we were tired but happy that we would learn something, hopefully new. Which we did!

The giggles continued on to the warm up portion. Hes got the funniest work out and made us wiggle, twist and shake which made me not want to look at my sister for fear of bursting into wild laughter. She and I made sure not to have eye contact during warm up. It was for the best. Kind of reminded me of how things were when we went to Church years ago with the whole family. Giggle fits.

What we learned. Various way to strike, knees to the solar plexus, what I like to call a closed fisted backhand to the face. Side kicks and an elbow.. blow :) UFC like.

My own terminology here, so I apologize to my self defence instructor for butchering what they are actually called but If it does the trick then its all right.

We also did take downs, hip throws which my sister and I kept doing to each other throughout the class. Much fun and very effective in a dark and crowded dance flow to thwart off unwanted attention from men. Or if you just feel like taking down someone and jumping on top of them... this would be very effective.

We also learned how to regain control if someone somehow got us on our back, either pressing on our shoulders or if they have us in a choke hold.. either leaning over us from one side and the other was over us straddling our bodies. Very easy and effective methods. Of course if they have me in any of these situation in real life. I would hope that my brain thinks quick and recalls what to do.

After the class we went to a bar and watched the the first hockey game of the Stanley Cup finals. Ottawa VS Anaheim. Ottawa lost 2-3. My sister and I were still touched with the giggles and had a grand Ole time laughing away at people, places and things around us.

I'm sure people were wondering what we were laughing at certain parts of the game. When things weren't looking good for Ottawa. We were laughing at someone stumbling on the ice and falling. Mature? No not really. But a lot of fun. So much laughter that we had sore cheeks from the amount that we did laugh.

At the end of the game, we were both tired and exhausted. I got home and talked to D for a bit about our days and to share in anything interesting and exciting. At the same time I got things ready for a shower and ended up falling asleep instead.

I woke up about 30 minutes later and was kind of sad that I was alone. I called D and asked him if he wanted to come over after work. I told him we didn't have to have sex. I just wanted to be with someone for a while. (After the phone call I thought myself all sorts of silly. Who would jump at the chance to come over and lie with a most probably naked me..) He said he would love to but he had just finished working a d 17 hour day... We made plans for lunch the next day (now today) instead.

I could use a pick me up :)

I left the shower until the morning and more to come on the hard hat and high heels...

Other things.
Have my physical planned for this afternoon. Hmm stirrups.
Got results back from blood work.
Need to renew birth control pills from the dear Dr.
Had an unfortunate incident involving me, my car and a steel post.
(I'm OK... my pride? not so much)
Playing pool tonight with my sister and maybe other people.
Looking for a new cell phone. Super glue will no longer hold it together.
Today is the first day Ive worn panties in a week. Save on laundry! TMI?... sorry
Need to get in touch with soup
Might have a trip planned for TO with a friend in the next few weeks. We shall see.
Brothers BDay is coming this weekend.
Taking lots of pictures of the dogs
Aunts BDay is also coming up.. sometime after brothers BDay
Donating blood end of June.
Spending lots of time with the Little dog. Lots of attention/pampering.
The Big dog is a bit jealous.

208 - Little one

Ive decided. Second weekend in June. Its strange that Ive decided. I'm not sure why that weekend. I know I cant do it the first weekend as that is my brothers birthday weekend. Hes away on a trip and I know that he would want to be there.

Why not this past weekend? The long weekend? Too soon. It'll be a family affair, we'll go together lend each other support. I don't want to cry in front of them. Maybe Ill save that for later or maybe cry with the little one at home. Tell her I'm sorry that I do love her, that I would keep her around but I'm not sure if she wants that.

How do I know whats for the best if I don't even know that for myself? how do I decide for another?

I just told my dad about when we are planning on doing it. Hes not happy knowing the end is near. She was his at the start. She adopted me when he moved. I always thought I should bring her there to be with him. He would have been happy with that. Hes just not happy all around that it has to come to this. None of us are happy. But it has to be done. (does it?)

I cant even tell whats on her mind. Is she in pain. Does she want to go? When does she want to go. Why do I have to decide and I tell myself that Ive had her and have witnessed the decline. Am I awful for not doing it sooner? Is it too soon?

I'm just questioning it all and I'm worried about how the other one will be afterwards. They weren't best friends nor were they enemies. They just lived together, shared toys, beds and water bowls.

How will the other be? I hope OK. I hope that I'm OK.

After that weekend no longer will I carry her down the hallway, down the elevator and place her on the grass in the park. No longer will I clap my hands to make a sharp sound to get her attention as her eyes are deteriorating. No longer will I need to walk back to her so she can see me from a foot away. No longer will I have to kneel by her and let her take in my scent when her hearing gets worse.

The coin spins in the air as I cant decide if its right/wrong, early/late, good/bad.

I have to put down the little one. Shes 18 years old. A bishon mix. Small, blond and cute. We've had her since she was a puppy and as much as I think it may just be another day that weekend. It'll hit me when I go home and shes not there.

Ill never find another like her. No one else will come close.

Ill remember...

• when you were a puppy you couldn't jump on the sidewalk, we had to pick you up until you could do it yourself.
• running away from the scene of the crime with you on my tail when I had no plastic bag
• you nipping that guys ankle when he put his hands on me at the park
• sleeping with you curled at my hip or feet. sometimes getting under the covers in the middle of the night. It kept me warm too
• playing hide and seek at the park, taking naps in the park
• how you still look like a puppy now
• that you hate it when I trim your nails, but have grown tolerant of it
• how you love to hang your head out of the window on road trips
• the clothes I made you wear, you were cute

I'm sorry for...

• yelling at you, and not paying attention to you when I was cranky
• making you wear reindeer ears at Xmas, it was cute!
• cutting it to the quick
• taking my frustrations out on you by ignoring you
• thinking that It would be better without you
• sneaking you a piece of chocolate when I shouldn't have
• having to make this decision

Thank you for...

• knowing when to nip ankles
• when to give kisses and comfort me
• where to go do your business
• always being there no matter what
• being a part of my life.
• being a smart and obedient dog without any training.
• keeping the other one company

You'll always be...

• my dog, no matter what my dad says :)
• the cutest no matter what the other one does

Little one.... I have to let you go, I'm sorry. I know one day ill see you again when its my turn to go. We'll all be together at some point. Until that time comes... thanks for being a part of my life.

To self... if you're crying now while you're writing a post... you'll be a mess come that day. Keep it together... keep it together.

Someone once said... You have to love them enough to let them go.