208 - Little one

Ive decided. Second weekend in June. Its strange that Ive decided. I'm not sure why that weekend. I know I cant do it the first weekend as that is my brothers birthday weekend. Hes away on a trip and I know that he would want to be there.

Why not this past weekend? The long weekend? Too soon. It'll be a family affair, we'll go together lend each other support. I don't want to cry in front of them. Maybe Ill save that for later or maybe cry with the little one at home. Tell her I'm sorry that I do love her, that I would keep her around but I'm not sure if she wants that.

How do I know whats for the best if I don't even know that for myself? how do I decide for another?

I just told my dad about when we are planning on doing it. Hes not happy knowing the end is near. She was his at the start. She adopted me when he moved. I always thought I should bring her there to be with him. He would have been happy with that. Hes just not happy all around that it has to come to this. None of us are happy. But it has to be done. (does it?)

I cant even tell whats on her mind. Is she in pain. Does she want to go? When does she want to go. Why do I have to decide and I tell myself that Ive had her and have witnessed the decline. Am I awful for not doing it sooner? Is it too soon?

I'm just questioning it all and I'm worried about how the other one will be afterwards. They weren't best friends nor were they enemies. They just lived together, shared toys, beds and water bowls.

How will the other be? I hope OK. I hope that I'm OK.

After that weekend no longer will I carry her down the hallway, down the elevator and place her on the grass in the park. No longer will I clap my hands to make a sharp sound to get her attention as her eyes are deteriorating. No longer will I need to walk back to her so she can see me from a foot away. No longer will I have to kneel by her and let her take in my scent when her hearing gets worse.

The coin spins in the air as I cant decide if its right/wrong, early/late, good/bad.

I have to put down the little one. Shes 18 years old. A bishon mix. Small, blond and cute. We've had her since she was a puppy and as much as I think it may just be another day that weekend. It'll hit me when I go home and shes not there.

Ill never find another like her. No one else will come close.

Ill remember...

• when you were a puppy you couldn't jump on the sidewalk, we had to pick you up until you could do it yourself.
• running away from the scene of the crime with you on my tail when I had no plastic bag
• you nipping that guys ankle when he put his hands on me at the park
• sleeping with you curled at my hip or feet. sometimes getting under the covers in the middle of the night. It kept me warm too
• playing hide and seek at the park, taking naps in the park
• how you still look like a puppy now
• that you hate it when I trim your nails, but have grown tolerant of it
• how you love to hang your head out of the window on road trips
• the clothes I made you wear, you were cute

I'm sorry for...

• yelling at you, and not paying attention to you when I was cranky
• making you wear reindeer ears at Xmas, it was cute!
• cutting it to the quick
• taking my frustrations out on you by ignoring you
• thinking that It would be better without you
• sneaking you a piece of chocolate when I shouldn't have
• having to make this decision

Thank you for...

• knowing when to nip ankles
• when to give kisses and comfort me
• where to go do your business
• always being there no matter what
• being a part of my life.
• being a smart and obedient dog without any training.
• keeping the other one company

You'll always be...

• my dog, no matter what my dad says :)
• the cutest no matter what the other one does

Little one.... I have to let you go, I'm sorry. I know one day ill see you again when its my turn to go. We'll all be together at some point. Until that time comes... thanks for being a part of my life.

To self... if you're crying now while you're writing a post... you'll be a mess come that day. Keep it together... keep it together.

Someone once said... You have to love them enough to let them go.