207 - limbo

I was with G and hes a sweet man. Very complimentary in regards to a lot of things about me. Such as how I look, smile, dress, how my skin feels and of course the piece de resistance... my personality.

Hes invited me to his place in the country about an hour and half away from me. It sounds quiet and relaxing. He has been in my place a few times and I'm OK with that. Me going to his place makes me a little bit nervous.

Though process goes as follows.

If I drive there Ill get lost. If I drive and find the place Ill have a car to leave whenever I want to. There is always the offer of him picking me up and driving me back, which takes away my mode of transportation out of there at my convenience. I'm not sure I can handle either staying awake or making conversation during the drive. If I don't accept will he think I'm rude? I don't want that. I just don't want to have him offer every time and have to come up with different things to say to decline. The line 'Yeah if I can rearrange things around my schedule Ill let you know' can only be used so many times before I sound like a record.

When hes over, its on my turf... if I may sound territorial and in control for a moment. I know where everything is and where everything is not. I'm comfortable I guess and maybe that's what he wants too? To feel comfy at his place with me there? I don't know.

Hes also mentioned how he enjoys visiting me and spending time with me. If he was able to visit more often he would, so he says. I sensed his sincerity which was sweet.

Now I think of availability and how I might be too available? Is that possible? I know it might sound weird. But I was wondering if someone can be too 'there/ready/willing and able to meet with someone.

Take for example D and I. Throughout the day there will be text messages sent. Phone calls during breaks, meals shared for lunch and so on. Then in the evening it continues. Until we see each other for a midnight rendezvous.

I don't know if its a good thing to be available. What ever happened to leaving them wanting more? coming back for more? Working for it and so on.

We went out one night which didn't end up in a tangled web of arms and legs. Though we were both thinking how fun it would be. Other things came up and we couldn't tangle ourselves together. So that night on my way home he calls and says 'I think its only fair that if I have to wait then so you do'. I asked what brought this on and he said he saw me on my cell phone as we parted and I guess he thought I was calling someone for a booty call. Really though I was calling my sister to find out what she was up to and if it was something I wanted to get involved in.

Meaning, I shouldn't end up tangled with anyone else until he and I see each other the next day which we had planned.

This thing with D is in limbo. I kind of want to know and have the conversation about what he thinks is going on here between us... but that will only backfire making me have to think about what all this is and have to talk about it. So Ive decided that Ill just leave it in limbo and just enjoy it as it is. Ive no idea if one day there will be no more contact such as it was with JB.

So instead of being confused Ive decided to be indifferent.. maybe thats not the right word. Ive decided to go with the flow and take things as they come. Thats what I am about the whole D situation.

K is a strange one. I think for me that the distance and the time that's gone by where we weren't in contact put things in perspective. I like him but the warm and fuzzies that I got at the start isn't there anymore. He really is getting married in England this August :)

I like his mind and hes a wealth of information and its nice to talk with him and yes we've fooled around. Ive also had deep conversations with him in spite of the situation, about reasons to why he or anyone would want to get married. He gave me a look that said 'are we really having this conversation' Which we did nonetheless. He also explained the difference between LCD, plasma and high def Tvs.

I know he would like to get together more often. Maybe because time flies and he is serious about enjoying my company and wants to soak in it until time comes where im the green grass? and hes no longer avaialable. I'm just not sure about something. I'm not sure what that something is but when I do Ill share. It could be that I don't want to be around him for fear of getting closer? Maybe I don't want to have a connection because one day he will just up and out of my life.

Sounds ominous. I guess its just a bummer that Ive met someone that I get along with on many levels and there is a possibility that I wont be able to spend time with them if only on a platonic level after he ties the knot.

I know sometimes I'm selfish.