372 - comparing vaginas

** Please note... there are no pictures of vaginas in this post :)


SE is a big vagina. The slightest tremor and he goes and shows off how big a vagina he is. There that was me being mean. But I laughed. Does that count as being mean if it makes me laugh? Probably.

He doesn't want to deal with me because I confuse him at the best of times. He has other things to worry about and cant deal with 'us'. Maybe in the future we'll see how things go.

I'm taking that as a thank you but no thank you... for the moment. It might not but my first reaction is to be angry and let down.

My reaction confuses me which I'm OK with because what is my life without a lot of confusion?? So that's whats going on there but on the other hand this works fine for me because I really cant be with someone who has a bigger vag than I do :)

Ill be eating those words later on if something should happen with SE. We shall see.

I spoke to a friend of mine this past weekend and he helped me calm down. I had a bit of a sad weekend where I had to deal with the issues that are all happening at the same time and I needed someone to distract me and it helped. Thank you G.

I'm getting into old habits that might be construed as self destructive. Depends on how you look at it of course. Its all about perspective.

There is crisis in my sisters love life as shes patterning herself after me.. a lesser version which is good because I'm a bit much to take sometimes. More watered down version of me might sound better? No? Didn't think so.

So Ive had a few more years and a more men than shes had to deal with and I trying to coach her through some things but there are just some things that needs to be learnt by herself. The art of finessing is something that she'll have to figure out on her own. Ive given her guidelines but told her shed have to work the details to match herself.

She gets frustrated with it and situations she finds herself in but the best thing Ive told her is that shes not the first nor will be the last one to go through it. I tell her to rest easy with the knowledge that there are ways to come out on top even if the situation leaves you in pieces.

Time. Sometimes she rushes and I tell her not to. To enjoy it all the small moments that seem meaningless. Why rush? If in the end you know there will be an end. Why not enjoy the small things and appreciate them more.

The answer to that is. Because it hurts. To have put meaning into something small makes it hurt more in the end. But to me, the more it hurt... the more it meant something. I want everything to mean something, my life, what I do, what I say and so on. I must be a glutton for hurt and pain then. We all pay a price. Mine just happens to be this.

How twisted is that? When my thoughts run that way my outlook is completely different from most of the population and makes me feel like an outsider when it comes to friendships, relationships and acquaintances.

Such is the price of being unique. The fun part is slipping into friendships, relationships and having acquaintances without them having a clue at how deep the twist goes :)


Ohhhh and what do you think of the boots?

251 - Memory

Hmmm does anyone else forget the last time they were in coitus?

The last time I had sex was early Monday morning. Remember? I didn't. I should consult this blog more often to see what Ive been up to. D and I were texting and it seems like its been a while since we had sex and I mentioned that to him and he asked me if I forgot about Monday. I did forget... until he reminded me of it.

Now in my defence. I was extremely sleepy while this exchange was happening and felt all sorts of lazy and had an overall want to be outside and not working.

How could I forget about sex with D Monday at 4:30am? easy. I was half asleep then.. and I was half asleep at the time I needed to remember it. Which adds to memory malfunction.

I do feel bad about not being able to recall it. I did however tell him in detail what happened on that early morning rendezvous. How he pulled the blankets over us both, gathered me close so our bodies were flushed and how he teased me with his fingers until he thought I was ready enough for him to slip himself...

I just wanted to let him know that I didn't forget :) So I reminded him.

He doesn't buy it though he still thinks I forgot. How do I make it up to him? I don't really need to make it up to him I just want to so he can have his way with me sexually. That way we both win. Always look for win win situation. Remember that everyone! Never withhold sex in any relationship. That's wrong and that means no one gets any.

Which brings me to this next issue. Is my memory really that bad? I know I hit my head that one time but I didn't think it would affect anything. The Big Dog and I were playing and she felt the need to swing her hammer head right on the side of my head about 2-3 inches from my left temple. I had a headache for a few minutes and couldn't comfortably open my mouth for about 10-15 minutes.

Thoughts that went through my mind at that time goes as follows.

I hope this doesn't cause any damage as I shake my head and say 'ow'.
Gosh this must be what a migraine feels like. Or a bad headache anyway.
I wonder if that's the one spot that really vulnerable? I hope not
Silly dog
Silly me for that matter.
If I'm not able to open my mouth... ill lose weight because I wont eat so much
If I'm not able to open my mouth... Ill never perform oral sex again
I hope the pain goes away soon...

It did go away... and came back about a week ago when... I was walking the Big Dog and I had my hands full when a lucky mofer of a mosquito bit me an inch or so from my hairline on the left side causing the exact same feeling to occur. Minus the headache which means not quite exactly but close. It was the difficulty opening my mouth widely. You know for a good satisfying... yawn.

It eventually went away as did the identifying bump of the flying nuisance and for your information I continue to eat :)

OK so I don't ordinarily forget when the last time I had sex was. I really was sleepy. So I'm asking... if you were sleeping with someone and you realized they forgot the last time you were physically together. What would you think?

246 - Life is Precious

Saturday


Woke up with The Little One curled up by my side. I take deep breaths and calm myself. We lay in bed together for a while until she walks to the edge of the bed wanting off. I pick her up and walk her to the bathroom where she watches me brush my teeth, wash my face and put on clothes for the walk.

Both dogs are with me outside. The Little One is sitting on the grass, nose up in the air, eyes squinted up at the sun. The Big Dog and I walk further and further away. She continues to sit. I tear up a little bit and wipe them off with the back of my hand.

We return to where she sits and I lay back staring up at the sky. I look at her and memories from when we first brought her home came to mind. Memories of her not being able to jump on the sidewalk came to mind. Playing tug of war. So many memories. I shed a few more tears and shes there beside me comforting me. Still.

I trim her nails and give her a haircut a a quick bath. I dry her off and take a quick shower myself. I get dressed all the while shes on my bed. I think this is the only time Ive ever let her sleep with me since Ive moved out to this apt. I'm glad to have had a night with her.

I make a few phone calls and head out. I bring The Little One with me. Shes on my lap her head out the window. I hope she enjoys it. I try to take the long way to get her to enjoy it as long as she can. Its her last car ride.

I meet my sister there and I go in to let them know we've arrived. The clerk asks if I want to take care of payment before. I say yes. I feel numb. I seem to be blinking a little faster. Keeping the tears away. We get her weight. Shes one pound less than the last time we came in a few weeks ago. She stays seated on the weight pad where we've placed her. She doesn't want to stand up or cant very well at this point.

My sisters dog comes to her and The Little One doesn't care much for her. She looks at me and I smile, tell her shes a good girl.

A catheter is put in one of her legs. The vet comes in and asks if we have any questions. I cant speak for fear of losing it. I shake my head. Tears are flowing now and I stay quiet. We spend some time with her. Petting her and talking out loud. To her, about her. How...

We knock on the door and the vet returns with a needle. She asks us if we are ready and want to stay. I nod my head and still cant speak for the lump in my throat wont allow it. The Little One is looking up at me and the vet injects the contents into her blood stream.

Her body sways and falls into the vets hand and shes gently laid down on her side. I still cant speak, the tears are non stop. I can barely see clearly out of them I blink the tears away. I don't have a voice. But I mouth out. I love you. One day we'll all be together. I'm sorry.

Were left alone for a few minutes with her and we all let the tears come and I have a paw in my hand. We say a prayer and wish her a safe journey.

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In an effort not to have me alone. They take me out for lunch and some retail therapy. I'm thankful for it and I am only reminded of what happened when I return home. Where I look at The Little Ones things and toys.

I go off to work, thankful that Im kept busy for another few hours. Theres a part of me that feels bad about making the decision. The other part knows that it was time and that it was the right thing to do.

Life is precious.

230 - Warnings

I don't quite know how to start this post. I thought of a few interesting and honestly quite funny introductions but then thought I might seem a bit loopy given what has happened in the last 24 hours.

I am a new owner of 4 stitches. On the fourth finger of my right hand. I spent a total of 5 hours in ER. That's wait time included.

How this happened. Details aren't going to be given as they will surely show how much of a perfectionist I am. All you need to know is, glass when broken and I do not go well together.

When it happened I knew instantly without seeing the blood or looking at my finger that it was bad. CAll me clairvoyant. I didn't feel pain. I didn't feel nausea, I felt mad, angry and very shallow. Mad at the fact that I am a perfectionist, that if I wasn't so much of one... then I wouldn't be in that situation. Id have my finger intact. Angry that the hand is the same hand that had the previous unfortunate incident deforming my, because of that incident, less than perfect self. HA! Shallow because I just wanted my hands to remain as they were prior to all the hand drama. I didn't want anything to ruin .... me. (blush) I know better though. Plus theres always reconstructive surgery HA!

Its a finger, I know. I have others. Why focus on this finger? No real reason other than its mine and its no longer the same. Ive got stitches and I don't think they were done well. Its just not done pretty. There goes my perfectionist streak. I wanted to tell her to redo them but shed already poked me enough trying to get it done. I had an intern. She talked while she was doing the procedure. Not talked to me about things to take my mind off of what was happening but talked to herself.

... I wonder which stitch I should use...
... Should I try and do another one here or would that not work?...
... I don't want to keep poking holes in the finger so I think Ill stop there...

They froze my finger, maybe just so they can poke more holes than was necessary. They wanted to put in a syringe full of the freezing stuff and I looked at her and asked her where she thinks all that fluid would go. She pricked me in 3 places and my finger looked like it was going to explode. I was scared. She didn't need a third of what was in the syringe.

We took pictures before they cleaned it all off. We need something to go eww over later on. This is a great story to tell LOL Which is why I'm telling it now :) Maybe picture sometime in the future. Of my bloody finger that is :)

My sister asked me if I could feel anything, I said no. She told me not to make that face. I asked which one and she said the one that looks like you can feel it. I told her it was my eyes seeing something that should be causing pain but not feeling it. Mind games. I smiled at her and we laughed. She told me that that wasn't much better as I was gritting my teeth.

When my hand and the Intern was sterile my finger was poking out of the cloth and I told my sister it looked like a very small penis. We laughed and the Intern asked what was funny. We told her and she said that my finger was the third finger shed had to stitch that day and that shed never heard that before. She said she was going to picture working on a penis... I told her to be gentle It was my first time. We all shared a laugh.

So 5 hours, some sliced chicken courtesy of my sister and the dinner she just came from, a bottle of water, good laughs and catching up with my sister. Getting home at midnight, walking the dogs, taking a shower... with a latex glove and rubber bands... Ill leave it to your imagination... I went to bed to wake up at 4am with a throbbing fourth finger. I wasn't able to go back to sleep. I tossed and turned and wondered at how to make things feel better. My sister had my ice pack, I had no Tylenol 3 that Ive just learned exists and I was told would take away the pain and put me in a euphoric state... when did Tylenol 2 come out? Is there such a thing?

I don't take pills you see... aside from birth control, that's just common sense. So, no pills for me if I can help it. If my doctor says I need to take it then I do but I try not to take anything.

So woke up and got a text from D asking me if I am OK. He just got the text I sent the night before, letting him know about what happened. I didn't hear back from him. I thought he was asleep. He was. He felt bad and cursed his phone for not waking him when I sent the message.

He cares...?

I contemplated taking the day off but realized that this was the long work week that I have and it wouldn't do not to show up at J1 and then show up at J2. I would have stayed away from work had I not been scheduled to work at J2.

Which brings me here, writing this post about what happened last night. Nothing exciting. Kind of dramatic, but still filled with laughter.

I'm a bit worried though, about how sex will affect my finger. I'm a bit worried as sex promotes blood flow... Don't want any blood flow... well excessive blood flow in my right hand. I feel a bit self conscious with it and I'm thinking of what positions I can be in for sex. No pressure at all on it. Cant accidentally hit it on anything as that would bring back the focus to my finger. I'm going on a late lunch and going home for some much needed distraction. I'm looking to focus my mind on a different kind of throb on a different sort of ... appendage. (can I call it that?) on a different sort of person.

My warning to D... Be careful... my finger is fragile.

His reply. Its not your finger you should be worried about.

So much for warnings.

222 - irritated

I'm irritated. Was supposed to meet D for lunch and that didn't happen. I called him at 12:15 like he asked and woke him up from a dead sleep. I felt bad. He said he'd call back. He didn't. I sent a couple of texts his way and got one back at 2:30 letting me know hes sorry and he just got up.

I'm irritated. He sends me another text message saying he'll make it up to me. I hate waiting. I waited. I hate being stood up. I was stood up. So I ate lunch and was irritated with it. It gave me no satisfaction. Not this time.

I'm irritated. My sister and I are trying to set something up with my brother who I have sent numerous text messages to. No replies to any one of them. I was also worried that he was hurt somewhere and couldn't get in touch with me or my sister.

I'm irritated as hes all defensive when I ask him if hes OK and let him know that its polite to get back to someone. Specially if they are family, specially if its to spend some time with them to honor how they are getting older but apparently not smarter. I'm sorry that was uncalled for. I take it back.

I'm irritated as I wanted to go out for dinner with them during the week so I can cry like a baby this weekend when I have to put the Little one down. Now I have to take care of the little one Saturday morning and then celebrate their stupid birthdays.

I'm irritated and shouldn't say their stupid birthday. I just don't know if I can keep it all together.

I'm irritated as 2 days ago was my Aunts Birthday and I didn't even call her to say Happy Birthday. I forgot.

I'm irritated as no one called me to remind me. I know its not anyone else's fault mine but I remind people about other peoples birthdays so they don't look like an idiot.

I'm in the mood to fight. I want to fight and then have angry sex.

I know I wont fight with anyone. I'm not a fighter. I also know that I wont have angry sex.

Ill be celibate for the next 4 days... the joy of being a woman and all that jazz.

OK So hes called me back and is taking the afternoon off of work, not necessarily to spend time with me. But he said he would which is nice. We'll end up doing things together, though this should be telling as we will be spending time together which doesn't involve bodies rubbing against each other. As much as we both would like that... I'm not 100% sure it will happen. Stranger things have happened right?

The heat here today is perfect if a bit much for beach weather. I felt like going but decided against it. Ill be leaving early today, apparently D wants to try something new. I'm curious as to what it is...

I can tell hes looking forward to getting together, I have a mental scream if things go boom because there may be no sex involved in the afternoon/evening we'll be spending together. I wonder how that's going to turn out. I might be tempted to start discussions that I might be ready for.

Ill keep myself busy and have a mouthful of something or another to stop from having that conversation. I mean what? Its only been about 3 and 1/2 months since we've met. That cant be/mean anything. HA!

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- not looking forward to tomorrow,
- will sleep with the Little One tonight
- Treat the Little One to more treats and fanfare
- still conflicted over it all
- Hope you all have a great weekend.

220 - the only thing thats yours.

My bladder is getting back at me for neglecting to do what I was supposed to on Saturday night. 11 hours without a bathroom break and about 6 bottles of water. I lost my voice by the end of Saturday night. Someone told me I sounded like Stevie Nicks that night... which I have to ask those of you who are familiar with her musical stylings. Is it a good thing to sound like her?

I did a lot of screaming and not the usual kind that you expect to do when your team scores and the crowd goes wild. Every score that game, the crowd went wild with screaming, yelling and fists pumping. Me? I was screaming things like.

- You there in the baby blue shirt and faded jeans, Id like to sleep with you NOW. Tell your friend hes next!

- I'm a lesbiannnn... I like women..... no one can hear me.. good... cz I really like mennnn!!

- Who wants to see me jump into this tub of water???!?!? nakedddd??

someone actually offered me money to do that. His first offer was 10$ I told him I would take that as a tip for the beer I was handing him. His second offer was 50$ I told him that would cover my manicure. The last offer he had was 300$ I told him to put it on the table and get ready to be splashed. He asked if he could take a picture and I said no deal. Wouldn't want evidence of silly things that I do. Its nice enough in my memory :)

- Ive got a crush on too many guys and if I continued to scream and yell about it by the time you all have stopped Ill be the only one screaming and that would be very embarrassing!!

The other people I was working with who were standing 3 feet away? Didn't have a clue about the things I was screaming. The crowd was that loud. I was yelling and screaming out a whole lot of thing that had nothing to do with hockey. It was a lot of fun.


Ever since that Saturday and my neglect for my bladder, its like every hour, no matter what Ive had to drink if I had anything to drink I head off to the Lil girls room. All because now my bladder is on strike and is getting back at me. I know it wasn't the greatest to leave it that long. It couldn't be helped unless there was a forest nearby or if they were handing out Pee-mates (sic)

Very handy little things for large crowds and not enough facilities. The plus to this handy dandy thingy is that its for both males and females.

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The function I worked last night bartending was fun, they had great music, a lot of people dancing making good use of it, they had a jumbo slide for people to climb and weeeee all the way down, had a section for a bikes to ride around in. The bikes looked like the ones clowns would use in a circus. 3 wheels and painted brightly. Big screen TVs and a huge buffet for the hungry. The MC was great and us bartenders were hopping around filling orders and getting our flirt on.

Ive noticed though that I flirt a lot. More then the other girls that were there. Ill flirt with men and tease the women. Have to make sure that everyone gets the spotlight even for a few moments. Good karma. Spread the Love and full circles and all that.

Good memory helps, personal info like names, jobs, family, pets and specially what they drink comes in handy. It keeps them coming back for more. Now whether its the actual drink or who pours their drink that brings them back I'm not 100% sure But Id like to think its me. Really though I know its the drink that brings them back. But its me they go to instead of the other ladies I work with. They'll stand and wait in a line so they can be served by yours truly.

Whenever one of the other ladies asks one of my regulars who are waiting in line for a drink if they can help them, they always smile and say 'no thank you I'm waiting for Darling'. I always blush like a schoolgirl, look at them with a small smile and wink like a minx. Of course by the time they get to me Ive got their drink ready made and have something clever to say to make them laugh and make sure they have a great time.

The reason I like getting info like names and other things is because they know my name. How?Its says so right there on the tag attached to my top. All in caps. DARLING. Also everyone I work with calls out my name if they need something or need to know how to work something. So they hear it and see it and so they use it. I always find it strange not knowing someones name when they know mine. Although... switch it around and I don't mind so much if I keep the mystery... Its my name!! If I have the choice? Ill hold on to it as long as I can. Its a gift, special, meant for those that I want to share it with.


Kind of hokey pokey I know. What can I say?

Someone once told me that your name is the only thing that's yours. It made sense at the time to me, I cant explain how... but Its the most personal thing about you. Your name. Think about it and hopefully you might agree even to a small extent. Everything else? isn't yours like your name is.

219 - exhausted

I worked 11 hours bartending. On my feet in a short skirt, black boots and no bathroom break. Drank lots of water and I was almost in hopping tears when I got home. The only good thing? I had the sweetest relief of that kind ever. Angels sang and everything in the world seemed right for the few moments that I had to alleviate the pressure.

I could have gone but...

1- it was too busy to leave my bar
2- the line to the washroom was longer than the line ups for beer
3- I'm not a big fan of portables (I was working in the main tent outside)
4- I was having too much fun flirting with the hockey fans.

Major lactic acid buildup in my legs. Not comfortable. I didn't know how else to help myself other than lay on the floor/bed with my legs against the wall pointing up. I ended up doing that in the early morning when I got home on Sunday but only after taking the dogs out for a walk. If I didn't take them out after I using the bathroom I would have left their walk until the morning. That wouldn't be fair, I just had my moment of pleasure, they should have theirs too.

I slept like a baby. I plugged the phone to charge, washed my face and brushed my teeth. Did my wall thing for my legs and then lay down in bed and got in some much needed shut eye.

My phone rings early on Sunday morning, about 730am. I think Oh my goodness I'm late. For what I'm not so sure. I search for the phone and knock over my bottle of water, thank goodness its capped.

Its D calling. I answer and hes telling me hes heading out for breakfast.. and I wait and there's not offer to get me breakfast. Oh well I cant win them all. I ask him where hes going and hes not too far away. He says 'well I thought Id give you a call and see if you were up for a visitor at this time.' I reply without thinking. 'You woke me up and I'm exhausted.'

We continue to chat for a bit and I'm starting to wake up and I ask him if hes coming over and he says 'you just told me you're tired.' I answered back that I had just woken up and am just then getting my mind thinking straight and I could use some morning sex.'

He turns the car around and 10 minutes later he comes in and I have to say that I getting that kind of wake up. Not the phone call but the sex part of my morning. He comes over and have quick intense orgasms. I know hes on his way somewhere but I don't remember where hes heading and we talk and laugh for a few minutes and we get dressed. Ive got a brunch date that calls me at 11:30 to let me know hes not going to make it. Its OK. I'm good with that and I can use the time to sleep instead of entertaining. But under any other circumstances I hate it when people cancel on me. GRR!!

I take a nap and wake up whenever the phone rings. Have unintelligible conversations until they give up and tell me that they'll call me later when my brain returns. I wake up and take the dogs out. Feel like the bottom of someones shoe and head off to work... in what I had on to take the dogs out. A beige tennis skirt, a tank top and a light white sweater. Feel like a bum but I wasn't feeling stellar. No one noticed. They all said I looked good. Phew! Fooled them this time didn't I?
Work was uneventful but someone was smiling down on me and my situation and made everything go smoothly. Even had time to talk to D for about 20 minutes in the middle of it all. Ill inject some insanity here (I think he likes me) Insert maniacal laughter as that's just crazy talk :) (shrugs)

Went home a bit early as I usually do. Took the dogs out, fed them and took a shower, made sure the alarm on my cell was enabled and went to bed with drops of water still on my body.

Still kind of sleepy Monday afternoon and I'm bartending at some pharmacist thingy tonight until who knows when then meeting D. Hopefully early enough to watch the end of the hockey game with him and have a few drinks, or for some serious feel good moments of laughter and pleasure.

M2 was coming into town but I had to let him know that next week would be better and hes able to juggle his schedule for me which was nice. Phew! Should make for a fun time. Hes not in town for long but when he is, its a very fun afternoon.

K and I will be meeting sometime this week, most probably the end of the week. If our schedules work out.

My work day here at J1 is almost over. I'm not ecstatic as I have another long night ahead of me at J2. They want me there for 5:30 and because I'm so Darling they said that I could come in whenever I could make it in. Either they are desperate or they know that I'm Gold :) HA!

The only thing that I am thinking of iS... what time Ill get off tonight...