406- Death by neglect.

A couple of weekends ago, I had plans to go out with D and I was looking forward to it. Really looking forward to it. It seemed that, at the time we were spending less and less time together. Talking less and less. Life happens, yes. Call me a girl but I like it when I get to spend time with someone that I like. I like touching them, seeing them, talking to them and so on.

None of my senses were being satisfied by D because of busy and conflicting schedules. So after looking forward to spending time with him and it being a while since we last did. I took extra care of myself. I prepared myself, mentally and physically. I took the process of getting ready for the night out and turned it to anticipation. With the application of lotion on my body, I thought of his hands touching me everywhere, feeling and enjoying the feel of how silky smooth everything is to touch. With the stroke of color against my lips and cheeks I thought of what it would look like a little bit smeared as we kissed. While slipping on a brand new pair of stilettos I imagined the line of my body pressed against his while  only wearing the shoes. I admired the line of my naked body and what the shoes did for it and debated what to wear. Carefully choosing something that left the imagination wondering what I had on underneath. I dressed. 

And I wondered at how I was going to make it out in public if my libido took over before being seen with him. Out. In public. Anticipation, I told myself its all part of it. And at the end of the night and after being teased throughout the evening. Alone together in the bedroom is where we can relish in coming together in a mad rush of want. Of bodies pressed against each other, of nibbles and licks throughout and all over each others bodies. Hands exploring and tongues dueling. I looked forward to it all. I imagined it all happening as they have in the past and I looked forward to the night. 

I took satisfaction in the product of my preparations. Hair soft and silky flowing down my back and framing my face where I applied minimal color, only emphasizing my eyes and lips. A little fragrance applied to various locations on my body like behind my ears and in between my breasts. 

I let my imagination play out scenarios. I wondered if we would make it out of the house before tearing our clothes off. Its happened before. Maybe again? Perhaps. Maybe we'll go out and enjoy each other as usual and heighten the want and need in each other that we find a secluded area and come together in silent oblivion. Could we wait until we come back and leave a trail of clothes from the front door to the bedroom. Would we make it to the bedroom even? Anything is possible. That thought made me smile. 

That smile was taken away by the long wait of nothing. Not a phone call, not a text, not a doorbell ringing. All the anticipation, for nothing. All the preparation, for no one. 

A little part of me died that night. A part that was special and just for D. I realized in the time that I waited for something, anything that I was in a quasi relationship by myself.. with D. I knew and realized that we werent 'together' together. That when we met and decided it would be light and fun. Good times. I realized that night that it wasnt that anymore. It became something else, something that I didnt agree to and something that I no longer recognized or wanted. 

So I decided that night to let things die between us. I wouldnt go out of my way to make things happen, make things good or special. I would just... plainly... leave things alone. I wouldnt yell or scream or be 'that girl' I would just let things .... die. Let things become what they really were and that was nothing special. 

Since that night I havent talked to him. He hasnt called me to apologize or explain what happened. Or if he has called theres been no messages left to listen to. I havent called him either, theres nothing for me to talk about. Something in me died that night for him, for us. So I feel no emotion when I think of talking to him. There would be no emotion behind my words if we did speak. Death by neglect. Thats how it feels. For something that I thought was special, I have received texts from him to the effect of 'hope you have a nice day' , where I replied you too and some  'thinking of you' which I dont reply to. My replies have been 4 words or less usually consisting of 'thanks you too' 

But now and for the last few days I wonder how Im to mourn this loss. Do I climb into myself and closet myself away from life. Do I go out and use someone elses body to help me forget or do I let time heal. Perhaps it will be a mix of the options above. 

402 - long protracted emails

Long protracted emails. Can be a good thing. Can also be a drag. Sometimes I find either I want to get right to the point, right to the heart of the matter, the meat on the bones. Other times I like the slow simmer of getting to know someone and truly finding out if this connection is something that has a chance of moving from virtual to real world without it fizzling upon contact.

Is it any wonder that two separate men, who I have been in touch with for the same amount of time have a totally different reaction coming from me? Both seem intelligent kind and and and. The one thats able to surpass the other comes with wit and has the ability to make me laugh.

The other has seen too many disappointments in meeting people off of the internet. thus projects all his issues onto our situation. Tries to rush the process basically which if anyone knows is not such a good idea and wont endear anyone to me if done.

Witty and funny is patient, respectful and though he shares his intent to meet and take this forward, is not running away for the fact that he has to wait. He takes it in stride and continues to be witty, funny, engaging and manly in a way that makes me comfortable, secure and safe.

For all his efforts he is rewarded and he enjoys his rewards. This moves us along nicely and is in line with my way of 'natural progression'. We all have different processes and what may feel natural to me may not to anyone else. Its all different and all on us to decide for ourselves.

It all depends on the person and how comfortable they make someone feel. If the guy is a creep or is giving off any kind of creep vibe then its going to a slow day in hell before I decide to move that pairing along.

Like I tell everyone I 'virtually meet' Seduce my mind, my body will follow. Until that happens its not going anywhere.

Sorry 'jaded guy' im afraid that youll have to continue your search. Ive found someone else... for now :)

390 - junior

Virtual soup proves to be interesting and I seem to be too nice/naive. So Ill share this story and by no means should you believe that I do this kind of thing all the time. I just chalk it up to being too nice and not knowing any better.

Went to meet AT for drinks and didn't have any expectation about it but was looking forward to meeting someone new which I think I always feel when I go out to meet someone new. Our flirt was bang on though a bit on the forward side but it was still manageable.

It was game night and well he was a little more into the game so I didn't think it was a good sign, actually I knew it wasn't so I just kicked myself for egging him on to get the pitcher of beer, it was a small pitcher. I don't drink beer and it was ummm I guess 2 pints/glasses?

I had a gin and ginger and wanted the whole thing to be over before I could finish my drink, but I guess I had to wait until he finished his drink/s.

There was also a little bit of texting on his part... no the text message wasn't sent to me as a cute joke for the night. It was to his friends who were at the game. Oh yeah can I tell you how ON this guy was that night? NOT!

So as it goes we alternate speaking between French and English which I enjoy if not for the lack of attention hes paying sometimes. I say I enjoy it because I like to keep up my french.

We pay the bill, I split the bill as I figure I don't want him to think I owe him anything and don't want him to think that there will be a next time.

He walks me to my car which I didn't think was necessary and wonder where this gentleman was earlier in the evening? So I say thanks and get to my car. He leans in for a kiss and I give him a peck and turn towards my car to unlock it.

He asks me if he can sit in my car, I'm taken off guard by this and reply with 'umm, sure?' So he goes around and gets in. I'm still outside my door wondering why I said yes and then shake my head and open my door and sit inside.

Where....

A - He has fallen asleep

B - Has whipped junior out of his pants

C - is quietly making paper planes out of the notepad I had on the seat.

Well. If you guessed A, I wish! If you guessed C that would have been annoying because I had written some important things on that notepad. If you guess B for BINGO, you can share in my shock when I first saw him and junior out waiting for me in the car.

Is this normal? And what would make a guy do something like that. My thoughts on what makes a guy do something like that? A - he has a one track mind and figures its a numbers game, so many women will say no but if one says yes it makes it worth it? B - He was reading signals that were pointing to my wanting that to happen? C - He figured that there was no chance that it was going to go anywhere and decided on a Hail Mary plan to get whatever he could? There are others but I stopped at 3 choices there.

So needless to say I didn't do anything with AT or junior, nor do I plan on seeing him again.

Strangely, he doesn't seem like the creepy type, in fact hes one of those unassuming people that you would overlook in a crown, nothing about him stands out. He was pretty generic. Not fantastic looking (to me) I kinda thought he looked too young for me. Childlike features and all. Height wasn't all great as he was I think my height and... as PERFECT as that height is for me.. on a guy I think hes at a disadvantage in many areas of life.

There are men that are my height and may even be a little shorter and have wonderful lives... but I bet they dont go around whipping it out. Maybe this guy has nothing else to go for him and this is 'his thing'. Who knows?!

I dont expect to hear from AT and I hope I dont as Im not interested. I dont plan on keeping in touch much less try to see if anything can be salvaged.

NEXT! :)

372 - comparing vaginas

** Please note... there are no pictures of vaginas in this post :)


SE is a big vagina. The slightest tremor and he goes and shows off how big a vagina he is. There that was me being mean. But I laughed. Does that count as being mean if it makes me laugh? Probably.

He doesn't want to deal with me because I confuse him at the best of times. He has other things to worry about and cant deal with 'us'. Maybe in the future we'll see how things go.

I'm taking that as a thank you but no thank you... for the moment. It might not but my first reaction is to be angry and let down.

My reaction confuses me which I'm OK with because what is my life without a lot of confusion?? So that's whats going on there but on the other hand this works fine for me because I really cant be with someone who has a bigger vag than I do :)

Ill be eating those words later on if something should happen with SE. We shall see.

I spoke to a friend of mine this past weekend and he helped me calm down. I had a bit of a sad weekend where I had to deal with the issues that are all happening at the same time and I needed someone to distract me and it helped. Thank you G.

I'm getting into old habits that might be construed as self destructive. Depends on how you look at it of course. Its all about perspective.

There is crisis in my sisters love life as shes patterning herself after me.. a lesser version which is good because I'm a bit much to take sometimes. More watered down version of me might sound better? No? Didn't think so.

So Ive had a few more years and a more men than shes had to deal with and I trying to coach her through some things but there are just some things that needs to be learnt by herself. The art of finessing is something that she'll have to figure out on her own. Ive given her guidelines but told her shed have to work the details to match herself.

She gets frustrated with it and situations she finds herself in but the best thing Ive told her is that shes not the first nor will be the last one to go through it. I tell her to rest easy with the knowledge that there are ways to come out on top even if the situation leaves you in pieces.

Time. Sometimes she rushes and I tell her not to. To enjoy it all the small moments that seem meaningless. Why rush? If in the end you know there will be an end. Why not enjoy the small things and appreciate them more.

The answer to that is. Because it hurts. To have put meaning into something small makes it hurt more in the end. But to me, the more it hurt... the more it meant something. I want everything to mean something, my life, what I do, what I say and so on. I must be a glutton for hurt and pain then. We all pay a price. Mine just happens to be this.

How twisted is that? When my thoughts run that way my outlook is completely different from most of the population and makes me feel like an outsider when it comes to friendships, relationships and acquaintances.

Such is the price of being unique. The fun part is slipping into friendships, relationships and having acquaintances without them having a clue at how deep the twist goes :)


Ohhhh and what do you think of the boots?

354 - workings of my mind

What do I truly deserve? That is a good question. I'm not sure if I can have anything but a biased answer. What do I want? I can answer that but would it be what I deserved? I know what I need and I also question if that's what I deserve. Other peoples idea of what I deserve is just that an opinion. Some good, some bad and some just plain unrealistic.

By denying myself something am I intentionally hurting my chances of getting what I deserve?

When it comes to D I'm lost with that question. I know I cant have him to myself. So I make the best of it? I'm not sure why I added that question mark by the way. I was going to delete it but I decided to leave it there and think about it another time.

Its overcast here. I'm sitting on my balcony with The Big Dog. Enjoying the weather. Somehow it feeds my emotions for the day. It feels like nothing is happening in the city. Like everyone is quiet and resting. Time to contemplate and blog :)

That's not the case of course. Theres so many things happening today. Business as usual, The Bluesfest is on. People are recovering from H.O.P.E beach volleyball and so on.

Back to my meanderings. I was seriously thinking of what and where this thing is going with D. I was scared that at some point I would look back and think that Ive wasted my time, that I stopped myself from meeting other people and going out with other people for him. Sometimes it happens. More often than not actually you know how that works. Whether its happened to you or someone you know. They meet someone, immersed themselves in the relationship and slowly distanced themselves from friends, family and other people to focus on their relationship and each other.

D and I agreed we didn't want it to ever come to that point. One day last week something in my mind turned, a light was turned on. One could look at it that way. Or you could also look at it this way, that another light has burnt out and I found another excuse.

The realization was that this might be as good as it gets with D. I say that and sometimes depending on my mood I'm sad. Other times it makes so much sense.

I look at it this way. Whenever D and I get together. Its always good times. Its going out for drinks after work. Having breakfast, lunch or dinner. Having great conversations. Enjoying each other mentally and sexually. Being honest with where we stand and try and help each other out when we are able to.

We spend a lot of time together talking, sharing and laughing. Its all good times. Even with the times where I have moments of confusion and want more than I can have. Its still good that were that open and can talk about it all and work things out if we can.

Its all good times. Rarely is there an argument. When one of us, mainly me has an issue to bring up, we talk about it. I let it out, share it, get it out of my head and system so it doesn't stew and get worse. We talk about it. He helps me understand, he explains and that reminds me that hes a great person and I want to stay friends and not ruin that.

I don't know what his bad habits are. What his little things he does that annoy me are unknown. I see him and spend time with him and its fun. Theres always things to talk about and always something to look forward to when we go our separate ways.

So I ask myself how can it get better than it is. How will us say.. living together make it better. When then Ill have to reveal maybe how anal I am about things. How I might find out how he puts in a new roll of toilet paper. How he might not pick up after himself.

Its as good as it gets I think. For now. Don't get me wrong. I'm a die hard fan of the fairy tale of holy matrimony and happily ever after. I just don't think it will happen soon. Now. Maybe ever. But there is still hope.

So in the meantime am I denying myself? Yes. Am I being denied something that I deserve? Maybe. Its all relative and all in ones perspective. But when it comes with an understanding and a little twist of way of thinking. I think that maybe one might think I am others might think I'm really smart for keeping things the way it is.

I know that I am seeing other people. So to me that can be seen as not closing the door on the possibility of what I deserve.

Welcome to the workings of my mind. However twisted or brilliant. Whichever way you want to look at it.

282 - closer and closer

I know Ive been lacking in my posts. I apologize. Ive got tons of posts started that just needs a bit more work. Not having the Internet at home really doesn't help.


On the work front. Things are going well at work. I find myself looking forward to leaving. Ive been with this company going on 5 years and its just time for a change. This new position I'm vying for is something that I'm not 100% sure of. But change is good and this will be a change.


I'm nervous about it but there's a training period and its a wait and see kind of situation. If I don't get the position then that's OK. Ill just be here until I find something else. Ive heard of people doing it the opposite way. Leave the current job first then find something after. I'm not that much of a risk taker so Ill do it this way.

On the family front. My aunts who I haven't seen for more than 15 years will be spending the Christmas holidays with us. I think this will be the first time in a very long time that all the sisters will be spending a holiday together. It will be nice but it will also be very strained as I'm sure being a family get together. Ill be subjected to spending time with someone I would rather not.


My sister is thinking of moving to San Diego. She'll be able to do her class work by correspondence which comes in handy. I'm not sure of the timeline that shes looking at. This depends on when her boy friend gets accepted to teach English in Japan. Its all a wait and see.


My dad is in Puerto Rico and will be there for a while. I sent him an email asking him if hes been following the news of the fires in San Diego. I asked him if his place was affected and Ive yet to hear back from him. I know hes busy so I'm not worried. I am worried about his place there and how things are if its in the area of the fires.


Its my dads Birthday this Friday. We've got a package to send him but seeing as hes in Puerto Rico. We'll be holding on to it until hes back home.


My brother is planning on getting the new Xbox 360. I asked him what his plans were for the one he will be replacing and Ive somewhat convinced him that its new home should be my apartment. I'm not a huge fan of video games. Though I do like fighting games like Street fighter. I don't play long or often, for when I do, my thumb muscles get tired quickly and sometimes cramp up.

The Big dog and I ran through an new area where there's lots of bushes and shrubbery for her to inspect. I think something bit her tail as there looks to be a bug bite of some sort which drives her bonkers. Bonkers as in running around chasing her tail. Makes me shake my head and smile at her silliness.


Speaking of dogs. My sister has asked me to take care of hers when she moves and I do and I don't. I feel bad as it is not being home for The Big dog and having another one will just double the guilt. We shall see. Maybe I could make a bid for her fish. Though I think shes planning on making them a package deal. Dogs and fish go together.


One of my girlfriends. The one in The Penalty Box seems to have redeemed herself somewhat. I have yet to remove her from TPB which seems to work because when shes not in it, things seem to fall to the wayside. I'm bringing dinner over tonight and shes making the pina coladas. She didn't make it right. Its mostly alcohol but that's how we like it. It really packs a punch.


I told her it wont be a late night tonight as Ive got the next stage schedule for tomorrow. I imagine Ill be in bed by 9:30-10pm tonight. Bright and early tomorrow at 8am is when Ive got to be on the ball. Ive warned her Ill just be having 2 drinks and nothing more.


Lunch with D today. Ive left it up to him today. He gets to decide what to do. I'm happy either way. That is if we go to a restaurant for lunch or if we go Chez Darling. Its pretty interesting, all this. How I teeter sometimes from one side to the other. I'm amused by it all and I'm aware theres a risk for something that I might not like but there's also the benefit for something pleasant. Who knows?


I'm not in the market for a relationship. D and I are both in agreement with that. We each have our own reasons for it. So its neat that were OK with how things are. I know I might, sort of, could complicate things by fairy taling it. Though I think in time it will just as things do. Fizzle.


I'm aware I do it though and bring myself back to reality. The only person I share it with is my sister and well... of course you.

So its well after lunch as you can tell and D and I had an interesting conversation. If I get this new job. D and I will be coworkers. Ive never fooled around or been with a coworker and neither has he and we both go by the no hanky panky with co workers. This puts me in a funny pair of slippers and I'm kind of sad.

Ill still want to be with him and I still want to get the job. Another case of wanting to have my cake and eat it too. He says we'll see. I'm OK with it if it has to come to that but I wont be ecstatic about it. I mean. Who would be?

Just another thing to think about which makes it interesting. I cant complain too much. I have my health, my home, friends and family and if worse comes to worse. Ill have BOB around more often than not.

Tomorrow is another big day in the me getting the new job dept. So keep me in mind and send me good, calm and focused thoughts :)

Closer and closer...

276 - brain freeze

So far so good on being 28. Ive been spending time with family and friends. Things are looking bright and I feel positive about things.

I applied for a position that requires a series of tests and interviews that I need to pass before I find out if I have the job. Its a bit of a belated present but I got confirmation that I was successful in stage 2. I am now waiting to hear when I go to the next stage.

I was quite sure that there was no chance that I did well in stage 2. I walked out not confident about how I did and how the results would turn out. Its a bit dis concerning not to have that surety or even an idea of how you did.

Should the results have been negative and there is still a possibility that at one of the stages I wont be successful. Ill be bummed and take it personally. Lets hope that doesn't happen. I know its not personal its just a matter of being a fit and if the shoe doesn't fit. Onto the next shoe.

Its interesting and a very good thing, interesting really as I'm not sure what made it happen. I saw D for lunch on my birthday. I told him it what day it was and it wasn't awkward at all. Really fun, especially with the margarita I had.

Then Yesterday I saw him for drinks after he was done work. I met with D after I was with my friend who even though we were able to hang out. It wasn't very fun. Girls night does not include the boyfriend and the boyfriends children.

I wasn't expecting to see him at all or have him ask me if I wanted to go out for drinks. It was a good time and I needed to end the day on a good note. Ending the night with sex would have ended it on a great note but it wasn't to happen. Though I did ask and it was sweetly declined with a promise to come over another night.

Sometimes I know what his answer will be and yet I still ask. I'm not bummed when I hear what I already know. I just tease him with it afterwards. Its fun and flirty and we laugh a lot. However it is a huge treat when his answer is something I wasn't expectating.. but I really was expecting :)

Darling - I was just wondering and I think I need to be reminded every so often. What is this?

D - What do you mean?

Darling - Never mind

D - You mean this.. us?

Darling - yes

D - I don't know. I mean I like you. I like hanging out with you. Because of xyz I cant do more than that.

Darling - You aren't married right?

D - No not at all

Darling - OK Just making sure.

D - What about you?

Darling - I like you... which makes it hard for me to sleep with other people. I mean I like hanging out with you too.

D - I cant stop you if you do. That's something I cant ask of you because I cant have more than this.

Darling - I know you would be OK with 123 and not 456

D - I have no problem if you brought 123 to your place. Just don't bring 456.

Darling - Its not that simple.

D - I'm not sleeping with anyone except you. There's no other woman.

Outside by our cars. We kiss. There's a lingering in the kiss which doesn't always happen. I think we both have feelings that havent been shared with each other. For me anyway, I know there is. If I can wax poetic for a moment It felt like a message. A silent plea for something to be understood. If it cant be said, the kiss is the vehicle to make it understood.

I understand all right. I understand that I can get pretty wishy washy at times. I second guess myself. I don't know if its him that I want. I certainly don't mind the package that comes with him as far as who is in his life. Its just him and what hes looking for.. even if what hes looking for can only happen in 5 years. I kind of want to be what hes looking for. Why? I don't know.

So my reply was a bit off the wall wasn't it? Out of all the things I could have said why that? Brain freeze

That's another post.

268 - yesterday, today and tomorrow

Yesterday

Dropped my cell phone and it didn't want to turn on again for the rest of the day. Got a great deal for a new phone and I took it. I still have hope for my old phone.

Didn't get a call from friend who is in TPB. Was suppose to go out. Instead I stayed home, indulged in some fantastic movies of the adult kind. And by movies I mean about 45 minutes of one... during which I myself put on a fantastic epic performance of my own. To which promptly led me to a nap. Which brought on some kinky dreams of yours truly and some faceless men and quite possibly a woman on the sidelines though I woke up before ... so I have naught to report on that end ;)

Today

After a fantastic run and shower in the morning and being surprisingly awake seeing as I went to bed after midnight. Got to work and learned about a bonus coming to my bank account :) Was supposed to meet with D and that didn't happen.. again. No its not on purpose and no I don't mind THAT much. These things happen. I tell you I'm the best girl/friend to have. So understanding not to mention accommodating. Did some banking, celebrate another moment of triumph for being able to lower my cell phone bill AND get on a better plan than I currently have. Got free services extended for another couple of weeks and gave myself a pat on the back for doing all that with a female customer service rep.

Old phone turned on after trying it.. amazingly. Silly me turned it off and its in a deep sleep again. I'm not worried I still have my new phone :)

5 minutes ago.

Sent D a text message because I was full of happy thoughts and am in a fantastic mood. Just spent about 30 minutes on the phone w D and cant tell you details about what we talked about but it was just as good as a nap :) Refreshing and a definite energy boost.

Darling - :) I like u
D - Ah that was sweet

Which was promptly followed up by a phone call from D letting me know that he will call me later on as his phone is dying. As I'm smiling away and relishing the fact that I like just getting things out there sometimes and not worrying about the aftereffects/consequences of my statements or actions, I am thinking of cuddling with him

I'm stumbling. I know. Ill be OK. I have my eyes wide open and can see whats happening. I just hope Ive got some protective gear that are invisible to the eye. If not then I hope for a soft landing.

Later Today.

Dinner with AR, hopefully something naughty and titillating afterwards. THEN possibly seeing D for a few drinks. Yes same night. Yes D knows about AR. Have I not mentioned that I was honest about these things. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea or to imagine that I am leading someone on. Honesty and the best policy... unless...

Tomorrow.

Be happy its Friday though my days always have some form of work involved so Its not much of a weekend though I appreciate the decreased amount of work that I have for the following 2 days. There will be some daily flirting with the opposite sex and other items that fall under the category of life.

Choose Darlings Adventure

The last time I went to the casino I had a major EEK moment. I left my wallet in the bathroom stall. What would make me forget my wallet you ask?

Option A.
I was putting on a brand spanking new purchase of a white bikini and in my excitement left it there.

Option B.
I was so excited about the possibility of winning hundreds of dollars. I left it in there.

Option C.
I was taking off half of the bikini and wasn't paying attention because of my clever idea that I left it there.

Heading to the roulette table I reach into my purse and realize that my wallet has been left behind. I'm hoping that it is still where I left it. Theres a part of me that is thinking its been 3-4 minutes since I have been there. Praying to all the Angels and to all that is good in the world. Hoping that all the good deeds that I have done allows for personal karmic intervention.

My prayers have been answered and my wallet is the topic of discussion at the counter where 3 ladies talk about how to go about finding the owner. I tiptoe my way in and try not to attract attention as I clear my throat and in a tiny voice ... which comes out in a loud voice say 'I am so glad that its still here. Thank you so much ladies for looking after it.'

They smile seeing that its returned to its rightful owner and after a few minutes of sharing lost wallet stories I walked out smiling and with a big weight off my shoulders. I walked up to D and told him I was done gambling for the night. He looked at me incredulously and I filled him in on my great luck. He laughed at me and kissed my forehead. Ill tell you I blushed like a schoolgirl.

We went there with 2 of his friends, 1 Ive met before. The other, the shyest of them all I just met at the start of the road trip. Nice guys. Very entertaining.

I went and did my thing. Flirted with them and the other card players. Rubbed some of my good luck on them and it worked. One was down about a few hundred dollars and wasn't in a great mood as one would expect. I sat by him and made him laugh and talked to the dealer and soon his luck turned around and his cards were making his pile of chips grow.

He told me not to leave and I stayed for a while seeing him feel better and get his money back. I left him. I wanted to spread it around. By then I had a few drinks in me. Since I wasn't playing I was indulging in other.. sins.

D wasn't doing great. Wasn't doing badly either just a waiting game. We looked over at his friend and could tell that he was down again. He facial expressions and demeanor was screaming of loss. We decided to take a break and grab a bite to eat.

Interesting conversations at the table. Not sure if I should have been there to hear any of it but I stuck around so I was included and I threw in my 2 cents here and there.

After eating I decided to try my luck. I was thinking that since I was lucky enough to get my wallet back I should do well gambling.. I know. Its a lame excuse but in theory... :)

I played with D. I followed his rules and played with 100$. I was a little nervous risking it as I though I already won the jackpot getting back my wallet.


Did I....

Option A.
Play long enough to win back my 100$

Option B.
Bet it all on one number to see if I still had something left in the karmic pull.

Option C
Play and have number after number come up letting me walk out with an extra 250$

On the way back D and I sat in the back seat. As we did on the way there. This time it was dark and I had errant thoughts of going at it without the 2 in front knowing. That was unlikely. Instead we held hands. I was OK with it. It was nice. I didn't freak out. We also fell asleep together. My head on his shoulder and we ended up against each other rather comfortably.

So when we had our first date or outing as I should probably call it he tried to hold my hand and I was a little eeked about it. Three months later we hold hands on the way home from a fun road trip. I'm OK with it.

Its all in timing.
I feel kind of clueless .
I need a wake up call.
Don't let me daydream.
That will just start a snowball effect.
Of something that I might not want.

I was talking to my sister about it and told her about the history of hand holding with D and she says that I told him if without words that I wasn't interested in him as someone in my life when I didn't partake in his hand holding plan at the beginning.

That started him on the Friends W Benefits idea and so it has continued on in that fashion. Me being all girly and thinking all funky and wanting to hold hands just means that I'm comfortable with him now and can possibly think of him as someone... significant.

Oh what doe she know! :) lol I taught her a lot of what she knows. I'm such a great teacher. Its times like these where its good to share knowledge because once in a while. Its good to be reminded.

I had sex with D for lunch today. While it was very good. I was left wanting. Not quite satiated. Not quite full. I was a little disappointed and not by his performance. Not in the least. It was great. I'm just in one of those moods. Where if we had kept on going. That I would not have minded looking out the window to see that the moon was out. Forget work I need to have complete sexual satisfaction.

I wanted to be limp and breathing heavily into the bed where pillows once were and are now on the floor. I wanted to continue the ride of the great orgasm that I had. I wanted to continue to rub bodies against each other. I wanted a lot more things that might get a bit graphic for me at the moment as I am blushing away letting my mind run with errant thoughts.

I was glad to have been with him but also sad that I couldn't have what I wanted. Which was just... more.

I need the help that only The Soup can give me. I feel a little tug of hesitation in doing so but I need this to be taken cared of. Otherwise... that's all ill be thinking of.

Plan? Meeting with J tonight for coffee. If things go well... perhaps. If not.. maybe another day with him. If not. I might have to try K.

--------------------------------------------------------------

If perchance you felt a tone of sorrow here. Its because I cant have what I want. I'm having a pouty moment and want to have my cake and eat it too.

240 - better

I don't know why I didn't just ask him. He did.

D - So do you miss me?
Darling - Well if I say yes too many times when you ask I might inflate your ego a bit.
D - laughs
Darling - This time? just a bit... :)

We've been on a bit of an off schedule you see. His schedule for work doesn't allow for repeated/consecutive midnight rendezvous or afternoon delights. Ive been spoiled and I'm feeling it. He feels it too and we've both mentioned how its affecting our sex lives.

The line when its good, its good. When its bad, its bad comes to mind. Unfortunately.

So he knows I miss him and does he mirror that at all? I don't know as I didn't ask. Silly me. I was shy about asking that and I was thinking that it sounded too much like ... something I don't want to describe.

So I leave it... until I send him a text 30 minutes later saying

Darling - I didn't hear if you said you missed me or not... :)
D - You didn't ask
Darling - OK smarty pants, consider this me asking... and??

10 minutes of no reply... like he does to me when I don't reply right away I send him a...

Darling - Wow not even a little bit? :)

45 minutes later.... 45 minutes of me thinking...

- hes so playing with me right now
- is he kidding me right now
- now is not the time to not have a fully charged cell phone
- did I send that to the right person?
- he must not know I hate waiting
- sigh

I'm thinking those thoughts and I'm not having a freak out girly moment. I'm just cool. Thinking but not over thinking. Smiling and laughing at myself really. I have to laugh, if I don't I might do something that would make this post not as much fun to read. I realize that he must have missed me to call and ask me that question. right? right? right?? yessssssssss

So my thoughts went this way...

- he must like me ... even a little
- SUCCESS!!!! (arms up and a big smile on my face)
- no one would ask that question if they thought the answer would be a no.
- no one likes to be told no :) So he knew it was a yes
- because no one likes to hear the word no and ask questions that gets a no :)
- yipee!!

about 15 -20 minutes later the sweet chime of my cell phone letting me know that I have a text reading...

D - of course I miss you
Darling - Its about time! You could give a girl a complex making a girl wait that long. But its nice to know... :)

Hes got plans for Saturday which I has my pinky toe crossed to see if he would ask me to join him. Not happening but that's OK. Ive got things to do that I need to catch up on so I'm glad that were not getting together on Saturday.

I asked him when we would see each other again as its been a while. Last Sunday morning... well its been since last Sunday since I have had... with him. And Tuesday since we've seen each other... for lunch.

He says he wants to try to get together for Sunday but cant promise anything. I'm not bummed or anything its nice to hear that he wants to. If we don't get together that's OK. I still know that he wants to and right now... that's whats important to me. Plus I get to take care of what I need to in other parts of my life :)

I'm such a girl.

Hes such a boy.

Its so good to be where I am at the moment :)

FIFA tonight I think its Brazil against USA. It should be a good game and I'm bringing my flirt on. As usual :) A CW of mine also wants to bar tend FIFA I forgot to call her. Ooops. I will try to hook her up with it. We shall see.

No plans for the weekend. Something might come up as it usually does. Maybe relax on a patio on a nice cool night after work. I plan on getting out of my shell a little bit and always working on becoming better...

215 - boys night out

Last night, pool with my sister, roses and martinis. Also a gift certificate for $100.00 to a store that I cant recall. Hmmm Oh well. Guilt free spending? Count me in.

My sister and I think we need to drink more as were getting pretty good. Good by our standards. Meaning we can actually have a decent game that doesn't involve balls jumping off the table and hiding under tables. Yes Ive had to crawl underneath for one, my lovely and talented sister refused to do it. I know you're wondering if I wore panties that day...

I think were going to skip pool next week. Try something different but for sure return to it.

Its always a blast being out with her and just talking, being open and laughing about it all even if its not great news. There is always a silver lining and we help each other find it.

-------------------------------------------------------

Mid day today...

D - I have good new and bad news, which would you like first.

Darling - Ill take the bad news first...

D - OK well...

Darling - No wait, Ill take the good news first.

D - You sure?

Darling - Yes good then bad please.

I have no idea whats coming up but at least its good and bad not just bad. Though good-no bad would have been great. Oh well. I wait. I never know which is better to hear first good or bad. If you were given the option which would you choose and why? I think I was supposed to take the bad news first and then end it with good news. Though sometimes its not really great news its more condescending than anything. But I could be mistaken which is highly likely.

D - Ive gotten cornered by the guys and they want tonight to be a guys night.

Darling - Oh OK. That's fine

Of course its fine. Ive got girls nights where I don't have him around, so its only fair that he gets his nights. Though really I would like to go and do the Darling while I'm out with them. Hey what can I say? I'm a great addition to any party :)

Though on the other hand this would have been the first night that we see each other earlier than midnight. It would have been nice to have an actual 'night out' with him. But I'm OK with it. Its not the end of the world and Ill see him another day... I mean night.

D - You sure? I mean I feel bad but its just that I haven't had a night out with the boys since I moved here..

Darling - Its OK really.

D - I can come over after the game, meet you somewhere if you go out...

Darling - Sure give me a call and ill see where I am and if we can get together.

An hour later...

D - Hey are you busy?

Darling - I'm on the other line

D - Call me when you're free

30 min later...

Darling - Whats changed?

I know somethings has.. just a feeling.

D - Nothings changed...

Darling - OK... whats... new?

D - Well... I was thinking... I could come over to see you before I meet with the guys.

Darling - Hmmm I might have a few things to do but maybe we'll get there at the same time.

D - Ill be there around 5:30

It will be good to see him. I haven't seen him since Saturday night for drinks. More importantly I haven't had sex since last Thursday. Id really like to make you guys guess at what might happen tonight. But I don't think I can. I need to get things taken cared of and by that I mean I need to make sure that the tension is released. I'm off kilter and need to be straightened out and I think this will fix it.

If not... well then maybe a few more orgasms are needed. Ill keep you posted.

I'm in the mood to think and the topic is D and I. What is this? That's what Ill be thinking of and eventually the question... Do I want to have that conversation with him? The answer... Not if I don't know how to answer any of his questions or answer some that I may ask him. So in the end it turns out, there is no need to change. Keep things as they are.

Why do I like to freak myself out? Keep me on my toes and so on.. just like how certain things needs to be done every so often like defrosting your freezer. That's just good maintenance :)

That and I'm kind of sadistic.

198 - always meet

Now I know this will go against the last post I just wrote. Before meeting people/men I usually try to have repeated contact via phone, texts and emails or a variety/combinations of all of them to get a feel for someone, be able to feel comfortable with them and have them feel.. comfortable? This is if the method of meeting was face to face. (Its been known that I don't follow anything that I mention below.. lately OK in the past as well)

That's just a way to make sure...

1. They aren't flakes, weirdos or anything that I wouldn't want to spend time with.
2. That there is some form of interest on both ends as contact is a must when trying to feel the other person out.
3. Certain things are out in the open like what were both looking for or not looking for.
4. There is a want to know more about the person.
5. They are independent and employed and not wasting their life away. etc...

Sometimes this takes some time. Some longer than others depending on the interest that is generated between both parties. Lately though? I find myself taking less and less time doing the above.. taking my time that is. Why? I'm not quite sure.

I think Ive cut the length of time because...

1. I don't want to waste time, theirs... and more importantly my own
2. The investment of time and the things my mind can do in that time is amazing and highly inappropriate which leads to expectations with leads to letdowns and unwanted self evaluations
3. Its also difficult to become someones imagined version of me that they have conjured in their minds. Its me...all the good things ME, just maybe not the physical shell of me that they want.
4. I cant think of anything else but if I do Ill add them.

So lately Ive cut the pre meeting conversations shorter and have gone into planning a meet and greet with these men.

I don't know if I do it because...

1. I want them to know what I look like before there is any sort of unrealistic version of me that can be fabricated in their minds.
2. I have nothing else to do some days or nights other than go out with them
3. I'm looking for someone to add to my circle of friends.

Maybe I am too picky? Maybe its not that I wasn't TBL enough for JB. Or Kinky enough for R. Or girl next door enough for XYZ. Maybe, maybe not. There are some things I have control over and other things I don't. I cant control what people like but I can control... certainly something.

SO back to the point of the post. I'm just meeting more people sooner that I usually do. There really is no real time frame that I stick to. Its more of an internal thing. When something in me is satisfied knowing that neither of us will run screaming in opposite directions. That's when its OK to meet them in person. Now that's not the only reason but one of them.

Another reason is that everything seems to be falling into place such as it was with JB. It all went well. And the one thing that I couldn't control was the one thing that didn't allow for anything to happen. Him and his expectations.

Oh well. Sometimes its hard to compete with someones imagination. I'm sure we've all been in those shoes. Maybe not patent leather stilettos. But you have other shoes to fill.

Well, so far its a nice post I think. Well thought out, informative if a bit personal in sharing what my thought process is like. I just happened to forget the point of it. Blast!

Does that happen to anyone else? Please tell me it does... losing the point that is :)

Ok I remembered it finally... M, the reason for this post, decided to meet with him after a short phone conversation. Not my usual thing to do as I want to do and find out all sorts of things about them before I do that.

I find I'm too open sometimes with people. Take for instance D who knows things about me that not many people do. Only after about 3 weeks or so? When did I meet D? EEK I'm supposed to remember these things right??

So point is. I'm a bit wary that Ill spill the news with M about a whole bunch of things that do not need to be shared a this point. Someone help me censor myself.

Maybe its more of me just wanting it all to be there in the open so there is nothing hidden? Maybe?

So as much as I know sometimes its best left to my imagination, there will always be a strong pull for me to want to meet them in person. 99.9 % of the time I will if I am able to. It just brings me down when after things initially go so well and they end up in the wood chipper for some reason.

In the end, Ill meet them and find out for myself whats happening. If not, then I wouldn't be putting myself out there on the playing field called life.

195 - pool sharks

D - I was just propositioned by a 14 year old and an older lady that didn't have all her marbles. Just my luck.

Darling - Who did you say yes to?

D - You

Darling - ... and what did I offer?

D - Nothing but I can always hope

Darling - I bet you're hoping that I say carte blanche

D - I knew your offer would be the best

Darling - Perve

D - Are you just using me for sex because that's OK you know

Darling - Hmmmmm

D - I am just kidding

So the above was D and I texting back and forth last night while my sister and I were out sharpening our pool shark skills. We've got a long way to go. Were in the laughing ourselves silly stage when balls don't quite make it into the intended pocket.

I'm wondering about him thinking I'm using him for sex. I am... hes doing the same with me. We had the 'were not looking for relationships convo' when we first met... but how else do those people get into relationships unless they get into one? He calls and texts me often throughout the day. I dont mind them as it works with my schedule... aside form the sex schedule (midnight-ish) Its nice anytime but :) lol its also nice to plan a seduction right?

So. I wont be spending much time thinking about it but what came in my head was. OK, either he wants to clear the air about what 'we' are or hes hinting at something else?

We had offers to play against other tables but we we declined gracefully and of course leaving the carrot dangling, letting them know that wed be in about once a week and maybe we would see them again...

After a few drinks and a few hours of winning against my sister. I swear I wasn't even trying to win. She just kept sinking the 8 ball. I just had to sit back and watch her get down on herself about it. Silly girl.

We'll be back to practice. She was telling me when she was living in San Diego that she would play every day and got pretty good. I have to tell you I can see it. All we need is more practice. Once a week wont do it but its better than nothing. Plus It will be fun to get together play pool, laugh, and just plain get together like it is whenever we do plan something together.

At home later in the evening. D and I are talking on and off until he makes it in at midnight. I meet him at the door in the lacy, sheer pink piece I was telling him about and I meet him at the foot of the bed, where he pushes the straps down and slips it all off of me completely.

As soon as were on the bed, its hard, fast and intense. So intense that I have to change the sheets, blankets and figure out when to do all this laundry all while having a big huge smile on my face and I feel like laughing... then crying as I want more and hes already getting dressed to leave.

I get us some water and as I am opening the fridge door he says. 'I bet that you wont need your friend after that...' I look up and raise an eyebrow. He looks shocked and shakes his head at me.

In my head I'm thinking. How do I turn the switch off? Its been turned on and I cant just flip it off. Its passion that wants to be fed and if he cant continue to feed it, satisfy it, satiate it then Ill have to feed it myself.

So, as great fun and intense that time was. I wanted more. It made me feel/think a couple of things.

I'm not being satisfied ... fully. ( I just want to go all night.. most times... more more more.. )
I'm selfish because I want something that I cant have.
I have no idea if he wants to stay and continue for the rest of the night or even part of the night/morning as it were

Well, that's it for me on the thinking of those issues. Ill just keep on doing what I'm doing. Its been kind of dead on the soup situation. I think that's nice, it gives me a break and time to do things that I need to take care of.

183 - voicemail

I was presented with a lovely bouquet of flowers yesterday and it was his birthday. How sweet. We caught up on what was happening in our lives and we had some revelations to which he said he was jealous of as some of the things I shared with him didnt involve him. G is great to talk to. He loves everything that I am up to. Wants to be younger and make different choices as we all think of at some point.

That's when I took his hand in mine and told him that he wouldn't be where he is right now if it wasn't for the things he has experienced in life. To change anything in his past would change his future and change who he is. It would also change the people he knows, loves and cares for. I told him we may never have met if he had lived a different life.

That seemed to put things in perspective for him and we shared a bottle of wine. Talked some more and I think I might have distracted him with the summer dress I was wearing for the evening. He kept reaching over and caressing my cheek, trailing the back of his fingers along my arm and along my collarbone.

A sweet man, who has interesting fantasies that involve yours truly. Hes told me about them and Ive yet to entertain any of them, though I mention it during coitus to get his engine revved high. We've talked about his fantasies and hes undecided on them as hes not sure about how comfortable he would feel.

When I told him about how I enjoy that feeling of not knowing where my decision will take me. What will be on the other side of the line that I thought I wouldn't, couldn't cross. How opportunities present itself when we've done something that is out of what we wouldn't normally do. What better way to grow than outside your bubble.

He was diagnosed with Parkinsons and is taking it very well. I worry about him and ask if there is anything I can do for him, with him. I proceeded to give him a relaxing massage and we stayed in bed being intimate. No pressure to provide pleasure using my body. Just be there for someone who enjoys my company, wit and sometimes wisdom.

D was out of town taking care of odds and ends. I caved and called him late Friday night about midnight. The usual time I would see him. Silly me. Hes back today and is on vacation all week, were planning on going out of town for a road trip but back for the next working day.

Strange feeling that I might see him sometime other than midnight or later. I was a bit frazzled about meeting with G and K this week, however its been planned and Ill take things as they come.

K left me a message on my voicemail last night, ' Hi Darling its K, I'm just here lusting after you, that's all.'

I think all women should get messages like that. It sure made me smile.

178 - juggle

Last night went well, met with M and enjoyed the time spent together, we talked, we tried out a few things and I mu hu ha ha! Found the quickest way to get him off. Very nice, simple and easy. I like leaving him to himself for a few minutes to see what he does, of course there was some viewing pleasure for him and I think what I enjoy about sex is that there is so much to learn about what people enjoy. Everyone is different and likes different things, touches and caresses.

It was entirely too short a visit with M but that's how it goes with him and I. Perfectly fine by me. Hes married to his business. Literally. I think his phone rang more than mine which was a shock. The difference is, my phone was on silent. His was chiming away. No bother he loves what he does and its neat to see that he talks to his family often and is passionate about his work.

He leaves me after a couple of hours and tells me I have the place all to myself until late in the evening. He kisses me goodbye like we were a couple and he was just on his way to a meeting at work, but really hes going back to his life in a different city until the time comes where its gone too long since we've seen each other. I brush my teeth, turn the volume up on my phone and crawl underneath the covers.

I take a short nap to regenerate some energy for the rest of the evening. My phone rings and it is JB, asking me how I am doing and where and when were meeting. I tease him and tell him that he can come over. He asks where and I tell him where I am and he laughs at me telling me its cheesy. I laugh with him because well. I'm not usually so forward. Inside I am thankful that hes declined but I continue to tease him about it and pretend to be insulted. He plays along or falls for it I am not quite so sure.

Hes in the area. I told him to be downtown and I like that he listened. I know there are hockey games going and that hes a huge fan, so I ask him where hes heading and hes heading to The Keg, a steakhouse. I tell him ill meet him after I finish my nap which he has interrupted and he coaxes me out of bed and into my clothes. Quite the charmer. He hasn't charmed me out of them but hes charmed me into them. That's... new.

On my way to my car, I get lost trying to find my car. As I'm looking for my car B calls and we talk a bit. Ill be seeing B on Thursday night this week. That's if things all go well. I lose connection as I'm going down the elevator to the parking levels. I look at my phone and shake my head, I telepathically send B a mental mssg telling him ill call him when Ive got a moment. Lets hope he got that.

This would be the second time I have been to The Keg Steakhouse. The first time was in Kingston with a good friend, great time there too!!

So after finding a parking spot I walk nervously to meet JB. I don't quite know why I am nervous. Possibly because I somewhat like his voice on the phone, like his attitude, and that he doesn't take it lying down and actually keeps me on my toes, somewhat. First meetings are always a bit awkward but fun and interesting.

I walk into the bar side and look down the bar and don't seem to notice anyone that looks like him. I reach in my pocket to call him and I turn around to go outside to be able to speak without yelling when who do I see sitting in the corner? JB. sitting smiling at me. I shake my head at him as hes has seen my whole less than graceful entrance. I walk over to him and sit beside him.

Its a bit different as now there is the whole idea of being face to face and I'm not sure if I can give as good as I get face to face in the repartee dept. I wonder if I am destined to be the perfect woman only via the telephone. I shake that thought of as impossible!

Hes already ordered a beer and has the menu open. I order a drink and out of nervousness I order something that I don't really care for. I must be really nervous for more than the usual meeting someone new reasons.

We talk and its easy, we continue to tease each other but I'm not sure why I am there. I don't know what to do with him, where to put him or how to act. Its not someone I want to have sex with. OK I had that one slip where I did offer up my body and was duly shot down. Don't worry I shot him down just as many times. Its a pretty even/fair deal we've got going on.

I think I know he wont just want to jump in with both feet and eyes closed so hes... safe? I know its a bit cliche... and I don't know a lot of about relationships, specially what goes on in the minds of men.

So I tell him that its good to meet him and all that good stuff. We talk hockey, his phobia of needles and blood. Hes so disturbed by it that he doesn't even want to talk about it.

Dinner comes and its a good meal. Sirloin and shrimp with a plain baked potato which he tells me I have to eat the skin, that's how he does it. I try it and tell him its a bit tough. He laughs. I don't take another bite from the skin.

While there is silence between us as hes watching the game intently and basically being man. I think silently looking at the direction of the TV. I think of not being attracted to him physically right off the bat. However sitting there after a while. I find that I am. Hes tall 6'4. Hes more that a foot taller than I am. Interesting. Kind of a turn on. Hes not skinny, nor is he large. Just... right for his frame.

I was thinking of what it would be like to kiss him. How it would feel to have his tongue against mine and what his large hands would do while we were in lip lock. Knowing that hes a bit reserved made me want to get him to not be.

We stayed til the end of the game long after dinner and I felt somewhat uncomfortable. I just didn't know if I should tell him he could go meet with his friends and that it was nice to meet him. Just an overall strange feeling. I had no idea what to do where to take it or what to say at the end. When the waitress came back with the bill I pulled out my wallet and put some money down and he pushed it back to me. I thanked him and said he didn't have to. He gave me that I'm a man look Ill do this part. I looked back with a what the hell am I doing look and he just gave me that I know that I'm playing with your head. I just shook my head and let it go. I might be imagining things.

I walked him to his truck which was right in front and shook his hand and kissed his cheek, there was s slight collision on the second cheek which he was unaware that I would do and I apologize and said 'I do that.' I told him to drive safe and walked away and didn't look back.

I got on my phone and checked messages. 4 missed calls. Two from B, 1 from D and the other my sister telling me to be safe and be careful, call her if I need anything. Since we've taken that self defence class were both kind of hyped up looking for ways to get into trouble only to use what we've learned to get out of trouble. Silly us.. we know.

I call B back and get a busy signal. I try a few times but continue to get that same signal. No bother he'll call me Wednesday evening like he said he would. I call D and I ask about his day. He was sick with the start of a cold from working 20 hours the previous day and he stayed in bed all day. Sleeping. He has a cold and I told him that as much as I want him to come over later that night, I didn't want him to pass on his cold. He understood and said it was up to me. I kind of caved in the end and put the onus on him. He said he'd feel bad if I got sick but was very tempted.

We talked on and off before I went to bed and while I wasn't on the phone with D, I was wondering how things would change between JB and I after the events of the day with him. The picture he sent me of him he was in a blue shirt. I recognized him that way. The blue caught my attention then travelled up to his face. Bingo. I told him that and he said he figured he'd wear it as Ive seen him in it before. I was also wondering about K and whats happening there. D wants to go on a road trip sometime next week. Ill have to try and get off work somehow. I haven't even thought of booking off work to go to Detroit on the weekend like I said I would to go check out the Film Festival that Frank recommended.

At about 1130pm, I get off the phone the final time for the day. He said if I couldn't sleep he'd be around if I wanted to talk. I said I would probably sleep as soon as I was off the phone with him. I lied. I took a shower, prepared everything I needed for the next day and then went to bed with wet hair. Through out that I was thinking of the men in my life.

What to do with them all and how do I juggle my time and maintain the energy and momentum. How to find time to sleep and if I can compress sleep and yet have them pull me through the next day.

I have a feeling next week will be less exciting than this week, though I have been known to be mistaken on some things. Time will tell...

Whats on the menu for tonight? Girls night with the ladies. Dinner somewhere new and fantastic I think and then some drinks.. Not sure what we'll do after but should be fun, theres much to share and fill each others minds with gleeful laughter.

Oh and I learned yesterday that D's Birthday was on April 11th. I felt kinda odd that I didnt know. I mean there is no 'relationship' but lol I just felt like.. 'Oh I didnt get you anything'... But ill get him something because I have another excuse to go shopping. No other reason :)

173 - singles

D came over Sat night after he was done work, he didn't leave until 3 in the morning or so as the clock might have showed.

I had a lot of fun while he was at my place. We both did. So at the end of our time which really flew by. Almost unable to lift my arms in the air, I laughed and told him that I don't think that I would be able to participate in any singles events afterwards. He laughed and of course looked smug as a bug. With good reason. I hadn't felt so well satisfied in a while. Satisfied yes but not to the point of muscle exhaustion. Oh how it felt good.

Anyway. Enough about my sex life. Now to my thoughts. After he dressed I walked him to the door wrapped in something quite small and sheer to leave him with a nice parting memory. I held the door open after he walked through it and... for a moment I wanted to tell him to come back inside. Come back inside and continue. Come back inside and finish what was started.

For some reason. I wasn't finished. I had energy. The exhaustion I felt earlier was no longer around. I wanted to tell him that I wanted him all over again and if he was up for it wed see just how long we could go for.

Damn. I swing the door open and stand outside my apt door in this quite small and sheer ensemble and smile, thinking I am insane. Get back inside, hes not around anymore as I don't see him waiting in front of the elevator. How strange it is not to be able to call him on his cell to tell him to come back. I don't have his number but he has mine. I wont wonder about that at the moment. Someone might see me. Oh well if they do they see if not, then their loss.

Singles tryouts? Well. Id be a shoo in or get a wild card or would I get a bi? Ohh can I be the captain?! HA

170 - Saw

T came over the other night as per my request to have company over to watch Saw (the first one) with Danny Glover. I think I caught him off guard with the invitation. I caught myself off guard.

We've never met you see, just had communique over the phone over the past little while. The last phone conversation we had was while I was running errands. I asked if he minded that I was doing other things while we were on the phone and he didn't. He was actually impressed with the things that I was doing. He might have gotten a bit more information about me than he would prefer. But its all safe and good information that he was able to hear from my end. Nothing scandalous.

Fun person to talk to. I'm comfortable and pretty relaxed with him. Hes kind of mellow and has his own wants and needs from a relationship. Like. So he wants someone with passion for life, likes cuddling, being affectionate and is adventurous. He asked if I liked flowers and chocolate. I was 50-50 on that as I like flowers but am crap at keeping them alive. They are beautiful and are pretty to look at but I don't enjoy it when they start to fade. Maybe that says something about me and my personality? Ill let you think about it for a few moments if you want to. If not that's OK :) Ive done enough thinking about it to be OK with myself.

So it was nice. Much better than the last one who came over for a movie. I wont even go there as he was more interested in playing with the dog than me. I thought he might have been a gentleman but decided that it was just not going to happen (thank goodness). Haven't seen him and glad of it.

Anyway, T mentioned not bringing chocolate or flowers for me and he apologized for it. I told him that I appreciate the thought more. My thighs thank him and nature thanks him. I kept to myself that I enjoy chocolate on a whole different level...

This one claims he has a six pack and I was tempted to tell him to show me, then I thought Id be tempted to touch and feel which brought the thought of him wanting to touch and feel mine. which made me think of outlining his abs with.. my tongue. Don't worry I didn't tell him that.

So no idea what his abs look like. I wasn't freaked out that he was coming over. He didn't mind me asking him questions throughout the movie. If it bothered him he didn't let it show. Like I said. Very mellow. His dad was a Police Officer, smoked pt when he was younger and his Dad raised Hell when he found out. He wanted to follow his dads footsteps but not after seeing what kind of family life his dad had. He has 3 cats one that purrs and can be heard across the room. Hes into cars and racing cars, he likes women with curves and like passionate people and enjoys PDAs and being affectionate with his partners.

He does have children and he does live about 45 minutes away. Works crazy shifts and enjoys it. He likes chocolate covered coffee beans and would take coffee through an IV. He works about 5 minutes from a chocolate factory and I asked him if there was a lot of larger people that lived in that area. (I know I'm silly sometimes) He as much as I would imagine. He works out using a bow flex and wants to gain about 10lbs to fill out more.

Hmmm maybe a chick flick next time then.