390 - junior

Virtual soup proves to be interesting and I seem to be too nice/naive. So Ill share this story and by no means should you believe that I do this kind of thing all the time. I just chalk it up to being too nice and not knowing any better.

Went to meet AT for drinks and didn't have any expectation about it but was looking forward to meeting someone new which I think I always feel when I go out to meet someone new. Our flirt was bang on though a bit on the forward side but it was still manageable.

It was game night and well he was a little more into the game so I didn't think it was a good sign, actually I knew it wasn't so I just kicked myself for egging him on to get the pitcher of beer, it was a small pitcher. I don't drink beer and it was ummm I guess 2 pints/glasses?

I had a gin and ginger and wanted the whole thing to be over before I could finish my drink, but I guess I had to wait until he finished his drink/s.

There was also a little bit of texting on his part... no the text message wasn't sent to me as a cute joke for the night. It was to his friends who were at the game. Oh yeah can I tell you how ON this guy was that night? NOT!

So as it goes we alternate speaking between French and English which I enjoy if not for the lack of attention hes paying sometimes. I say I enjoy it because I like to keep up my french.

We pay the bill, I split the bill as I figure I don't want him to think I owe him anything and don't want him to think that there will be a next time.

He walks me to my car which I didn't think was necessary and wonder where this gentleman was earlier in the evening? So I say thanks and get to my car. He leans in for a kiss and I give him a peck and turn towards my car to unlock it.

He asks me if he can sit in my car, I'm taken off guard by this and reply with 'umm, sure?' So he goes around and gets in. I'm still outside my door wondering why I said yes and then shake my head and open my door and sit inside.

Where....

A - He has fallen asleep

B - Has whipped junior out of his pants

C - is quietly making paper planes out of the notepad I had on the seat.

Well. If you guessed A, I wish! If you guessed C that would have been annoying because I had written some important things on that notepad. If you guess B for BINGO, you can share in my shock when I first saw him and junior out waiting for me in the car.

Is this normal? And what would make a guy do something like that. My thoughts on what makes a guy do something like that? A - he has a one track mind and figures its a numbers game, so many women will say no but if one says yes it makes it worth it? B - He was reading signals that were pointing to my wanting that to happen? C - He figured that there was no chance that it was going to go anywhere and decided on a Hail Mary plan to get whatever he could? There are others but I stopped at 3 choices there.

So needless to say I didn't do anything with AT or junior, nor do I plan on seeing him again.

Strangely, he doesn't seem like the creepy type, in fact hes one of those unassuming people that you would overlook in a crown, nothing about him stands out. He was pretty generic. Not fantastic looking (to me) I kinda thought he looked too young for me. Childlike features and all. Height wasn't all great as he was I think my height and... as PERFECT as that height is for me.. on a guy I think hes at a disadvantage in many areas of life.

There are men that are my height and may even be a little shorter and have wonderful lives... but I bet they dont go around whipping it out. Maybe this guy has nothing else to go for him and this is 'his thing'. Who knows?!

I dont expect to hear from AT and I hope I dont as Im not interested. I dont plan on keeping in touch much less try to see if anything can be salvaged.

NEXT! :)

307 - appliances

I know that most women would not appreciate certain things for a present whether it be for Christmas a Birthday or Valentines day etc.

Unless someone has a need for one and you know that it would help.

I know its not the most romantic of gifts, the most expressive or the most thrilling.

I'm wondering if a neck massager is considered an appliance or is it considered something else?

It wasn't a neck massager :)

On the phone D and I were discussing our plans to meet for lunch and I let him decide where we will go. He also adds in that he would like to go to my place afterwards. This takes me by surprise as we don't usually have time to do both. Eat and do the horizontal mambo.. consecutively.

We have lunch and we have a great time, talking, laughing and eating. For some strange reason we both didn't have dinner the night before or have breakfast this morning. So we really enjoyed our lunch.

Outside I check the time and I have roughly 10 minutes until I need to be at work and that wouldn't be enough time. Its never enough time when it comes to the Mambo :) So I broke the news to him and he looked around and then told me that I needed to pull my car up by his.

Confused for a moment and I didn't know what to say so I just did. I pulled up behind his car and he opened his car door and nods inside. I laughed out loud and tilted my head at him and said in the most girliest voice Ive ever heard myself in say 'really?'

Its his turn to laugh at me and he tells me to 'come on.' I wonder if I should leave my car running is the thought that flits through my mind. I let it run and I open my door and take a quick peek around to parking lot. In the middle of the day. I must be crazy. D must be crazy. But I'm horny and D must be horny. So I walk over to the door and he nods towards the back seat.

I keep eye contact with him and hes smiling away. He must be looking forward to this. I'm still a bit taken aback and then I look inside the car and in his back seat is sitting a big box that I'm not sure how he got inside his car.

I realize what it is and I burst out in laughter. Laughter for a couple of reasons.

1 I cant believe he got me that
2 I cant believe that I thought he wanted to have sex in the restaurants parking lot.
3 That I reacted the say I did
4 That I lead myself on the way I did.
5 I'm such a tease to myself.

That was more than a couple but I'm still laughing about it all. He transfers it into my backseat and I marvel at how it actually fit into the backseat. Its a huge box.

D - I wanted to wrap it for you but I was running late to meet you here and I didn't want to keep you waiting.

Darling - That's OK Its got bows on it.

D - That's not all it comes with..

He bends inside his car and pulls out a little basket of goodies. Popcorn, chocolates and more chocolate covered sweets. I laugh some more. Genuinely of course. I never expected it. To be honest I wasn't expecting anything because well.. that's another post.

Darling - I wasn't expecting anything, I think this is really sweet. Out of the blue but really sweet. You'll have to come over some time and share this popcorn with me sometime...

D - Of course

I wasn't expecting anything from him at all and if I was to think of something it would have been something like something. I cant think of anything at the moment. Go figure. OK I lied I was expecting something. But nothing like what he did get. I was expecting some chocolate spread that he would use my body as a canvas.

So I'm still smiling about it. We kiss. We hug. I want to take him home with me but I don't. I get in my car. Roll down my window and say something about women getting appliances for presents.. He laughs and tells me that I need it.

Funnily enough, getting a microwave was something that I was debating on getting for 2008. I told him that when he calls me 2 minutes later. There's laughter in my voice and I want to tell him hes a nut but a good nut. I keep that to myself. Why? because I think I put my foot in my mouth about the women getting appliances as presents comment might have been taken badly.

It wasn't, but still. We talk while were both on our way to work and we laugh about this and that and its all good. I'm happy and for some reason. Really happy.

Over a microwave, sweets and popcorn.

278 - lurking

I haven't been posting as much as Id like to. I'm concentrating on trying to get through the stages in order to get the job. Ive had to in less than a week talk to3 of my present and previous managers for a reference.

Its unclear whether I am only required to have a list of 3 references or if I need 3 written references. Deep down I think its just a list of 3 they need to be able to contact. However that is also easier than having to go get 3 written ones. Its not hard. Its just getting them all in a timely fashion. @ I have to run after. One was done the same day. The other wants me to write it out myself and has given me carte blanche to embellish if I should so please. I don't as I wouldn't feel comfortable. Honestly is best. Plus the honest truth is I was pretty damn great there and everywhere :)

Writing it out myself is a bit weird as I feel like I'm bragging but its not its just pointing out great qualities that I have. But it still feels like gloating. Ive asked D to draft a letter for me and Ill use that and have that previous employer sign it.

This weekend is Thanksgiving weekend and Monday is a Holiday. Tuesday is my interview and I feel its cutting it a bit close. But it could just be me. I'm kicking myself a little bit as I did have time the week before to get it all done. I was just unsure about getting to this stage. This just teaches me its better to err on the right side of caution.

Its interesting as I did think about it, about getting it done sooner. I'm not quite sure why I didn't. It may be because I don't want to get too ahead of myself. I also didn't want to seem ... full of myself. Now I feel like I'm a monkey on their backs about it.

"I know you're busy, I wanted to know how you were coming along with my reference letter and if I am able to pick it up today."

"Ill be seeing you this Thurs night and Sat night and I was wondering which night to expect it."

"I really appreciate this and I'm pleased that you feel comfortable enough to write a reference letter for me."

Ive decided (very recently... like just now) not to worry too much about it. It would be nice to have all 3 letters in hand when I walk into the interview. It will just give me that extra boost of confidence. However if I only have 1 (which I currently have) or 2 (which I might be able to pick up tonight) Ill be happy. Again all 3 would be great but '2 out of 3 ain't bad' as someone once said :)

There are a few things I need to do to prepare myself for this and Ill have some homework which D has helped me with. I feel like I'm still a bit clueless but he thinks Ill do fine. Just be relaxed and keep things simple. Ive made notes and I'm hopeful and excited about moving ahead.

Its exciting, the thought that I might be doing something different if things should work out. OK not if but WHEN things work out. That's better. Tuesday it is. If things go well with this panel interview then onto the next stage which I will definitely fret over like I usually do.

D had breakfast with Jason from the other night and another of his co workers. I get a call after breakfast and part of the conversation went like this.

D - Jason was pretty drunk that night, he and Pete drank a lot and Jason was pretty out of it.

Darling - It was a good time/

D - Its funny... Jason told me you guys made out that night. He said he asked for a kiss and that's how it started.

Darling - (laughs) If he calls that making out he needs to get back in the game... and if you see him next time, tell him I wasn't satisfied with it.

D - I just laughed when he told that story

Darling - Funny ha ha or funny interestinggg

D - I laughed

Darling - What a little trouble maker... I guess If that's what making out is I also made out with Pete.

The next day. I bring it up again. Why? Because I want to know if it bothered him or if hes OK with it. Should I bother going down this thought process? Would his reaction be an indication of how he sees me? us?

Earlier today. Lunch was a bowl full of sex. Messy sex. In my apartment, on my bed. Just how I like it. Messy enough to take a shower and rush to work with damp hair. Its been a while. It was also very good. Not enough but it was good. So good that while he was in the shower. I took the opportunity to continue to play with myself and make a bigger mess. No he didn't know what I was doing. But I was a bit turned on about him not knowing.

How do you tell someone you want more without insulting them if they cant do more? Or how do I find out if there is a possibility of more but there is something that's holding them back? Specially if its me? EEK!

Its nice what this is. But I think in order for me to continue to enjoy my life. Ill have to take a step back and go out and rub noses with those patiently waiting in The Soup. Its nice to be with someone that doesn't have the same complications as D does. I'm OK with them as I'm pretty laid back that way and peoples lives are so different that when its out of my control. There's nothing I can do about it and there's no reason for me to get all twisted over.

Ive got another long night ahead of me and D might want to go out. I'm not sure if he does or not yet as he was planning on giving me a choice. Lunch today or after hes done work. I don't think he'll want to go out after hes done work. I wont plan on it. But it wold be neat to be surprised.

I need to catch up on sleep and need to buy groceries for Thanksgiving which were celebrating Monday at lunch. We all have plans to have dinner elsewhere for dinner that night and the night before.

Happy Turkey and Have a great weekend. Ill post about how the interview went. Thanks for being in my corner :)

PS I know I haven't been checking blogs lately but I will return to that as soon as things start working itself out in the new job category. Ive been lurking when I can though :)

Darling a lurker.. makes me giggle :)

273 - back seat adventures

I knew it was odd that things seem to be going so well and without any interesting happenings in my life. Odd happenings that is. One of those.. you mean that doesn't only happen in movies. Or, you have to be kidding, those things don't really happen to real people.

My story for the day and involves me, a car, being locked in and not finding the trunk release for my freedom.

Lets not ask about why I got in the car please

I tried doors on each side. None would open. I flicked the power locks in the front on and off and tried the back doors again. They wouldn't open. I sat. I thought. I got an idea. I put the 60/40 split seats down and crawled into the trunk. My skirt riding up and I'm sure had anyone else been there would have gotten a show. However I'm sure that had someone else been there I would not have been in that situation to begin with.

My 4 inch heels still on my feet could have come off but I kept them on. For the sake of propriety of course. I didn't want to be seen dishevelled upon my rescue. I might not be in the best situation but I sure was going to look great in it.

The upper half of my body clearly inside the trunk. I search for the trunk release which Ive heard comes standard on new cars nowadays. I don't have a clue what it looks like. But I know it should be somewhere. My lower body is pointed right out the front window and every so often Ill twist to see if there is anyone out there just watching me instead of saving me.

There was no one. I continued to pull press and tug on anything that could have been the trunk release. I had an amusing thought. This came to mind as I'm trying to free myself from a locked car. Why is it every time I'm looking for something and cant find it Man and G spot come to mind?

In complicated situations I'm Ms Cool, calm and fashionably attired. I try a few more times to find the trunk release. I conclude after my attempts that this car is missing a most important feature a trunk release. Well, it would have been an important feature specially if others found themselves in a similar situation. I wonder how many people would have thought to try to get out through the trunk.

I look at my trusty cell phone. Since I cant get myself out of this mess. Ive thought of everything I could do barring smashing any windows. I dialed and called someone to get me out. A co-worker.

Who laughed at me but said he would come to the rescue. Oh good. It was starting to get hot in the backseat. I rearranged everything and waited. I kept an eye out and realized there was no way to keep this quiet. Its too bizarre to keep a secret. I see CW walking towards the car in question and just as hes one car away I lean up and honk the horn twice which makes him look up and start to jog ahead in front of the car I am in and right on by...

Just like that. My rescue was no more. I called and couldn't get through to him to let him know where I was and I called a couple of other people a few minutes later to see if hes returned. No luck.

I sat and set the alarm off a couple of times. By accident. I wasn't trying to draw attention to myself. Although I should start saying that I was. I really wasn't trying to. I was just trying to see if any of the doors would open and no it did not.

Finally someone that I recognized that worked in the building, but didn't know very well was walking by and I couldn't really be picky about who it was that gets me out of the car so I honked the horn and his attention was caught. I smiled and beckoned him over and after he laughed at my situation helped me out of the car.

Most of the building knows about my little escapade. The FAQs of the day

Are you OK?
What were you doing in the backseat of the car?
How did you get locked in?
What were you doing in the trunk?

and my favorite one.

Why didn't you just crawl into the front and get out that way?

I of course as a child wasn't subjected, and I have no children nor do I know many people who use this feature. The child safety lock. So I'm not thinking of this as I'm in the car. I'm thinking the doors in the back don't work. Try the front ones? I must have had a brain fart though I did try to use the power locks. I can see how some people panic in certain sitautions. Some people freak out, others have memory lapses.

So I'm very embarrassed and yet I'm so delightfully happy that I can share this story and have other people laugh with me.

I'm OK and I'm safe. I know you shook your head at me a couple of times but I also know that you had a chuckle reading this.

Plan for tonight is a run with the dog while my laundry is in the wash. Then working out with Denise or Carmen. A shower then a nap to get ready for some midnight painting the town red with D.

260 - good news bad news

People have asked me what I do when I leave for lunch. Nosy I know. I smile and try not to blush too much to give it away. Most of the time I say errands or lunch with a friend. Though one day I'm sure they will question my answer as my clothes sometimes have water marks from not drying myself off after a quick shower when I return. Or was it a quickie in the shower. HA!

Nooners. :) Love them. Middle of the day sex. Satisfaction. What I enjoy for lunch? My options?Food, naps and sex and not generally in that order. Now if only I had a time enough to cover all of those :) Wouldn't that be a daily treat. Wouldn't it indeed.

Good news Bad news.

Bad news first?

OK. Bad news is the amount of sex that Ive had in the past say 2-3 months have been lacking, not in the quality dept but yes I will say it. Quantity dept. I know its better to have quality over quantity. But I'm not normal. I want both. I want a good quantity of good quality sex.

I want the cake, icing, chocolate dipped strawberries on top, topped off with some whipped cream and I want to eat it. Oh do I want to eat it :) AHEM!


The Soup hasn't been all that accommodating in that area as schedules are not working well. Things come up and plans change. Its all still been very fun but the fact is that I am somewhat unfulfilled.

I spoke to D about it. Told him I was a bit down as my sex life has been lacking and yes I wanted him to know that sex with him was lacking in the quantity dept. Which he quickly reminded me that the amount would increase come September.

How did he know that was on my list of things to get for my birthday?

The good news?

As of next week his schedule is changing again and its going back to how it was before. Which is good for a couple of reasons. We'll have more sex. YAY :) We'll see each other more often and our phone bills wont be so high. Ill tell you about that later. Though I must say it really is good to be a girl sometimes :) OK for me... most times.

So looking forward to more sex, saving money and seeing more of someone that keeps me wanting. As for what I want... well...

funnies

A couple goes on a vacation to a fishing resort in Northern Alberta. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?").

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could take it out and start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could take it out and start at any moment."

"Have a nice day Ma'am," and he left...

230 - Warnings

I don't quite know how to start this post. I thought of a few interesting and honestly quite funny introductions but then thought I might seem a bit loopy given what has happened in the last 24 hours.

I am a new owner of 4 stitches. On the fourth finger of my right hand. I spent a total of 5 hours in ER. That's wait time included.

How this happened. Details aren't going to be given as they will surely show how much of a perfectionist I am. All you need to know is, glass when broken and I do not go well together.

When it happened I knew instantly without seeing the blood or looking at my finger that it was bad. CAll me clairvoyant. I didn't feel pain. I didn't feel nausea, I felt mad, angry and very shallow. Mad at the fact that I am a perfectionist, that if I wasn't so much of one... then I wouldn't be in that situation. Id have my finger intact. Angry that the hand is the same hand that had the previous unfortunate incident deforming my, because of that incident, less than perfect self. HA! Shallow because I just wanted my hands to remain as they were prior to all the hand drama. I didn't want anything to ruin .... me. (blush) I know better though. Plus theres always reconstructive surgery HA!

Its a finger, I know. I have others. Why focus on this finger? No real reason other than its mine and its no longer the same. Ive got stitches and I don't think they were done well. Its just not done pretty. There goes my perfectionist streak. I wanted to tell her to redo them but shed already poked me enough trying to get it done. I had an intern. She talked while she was doing the procedure. Not talked to me about things to take my mind off of what was happening but talked to herself.

... I wonder which stitch I should use...
... Should I try and do another one here or would that not work?...
... I don't want to keep poking holes in the finger so I think Ill stop there...

They froze my finger, maybe just so they can poke more holes than was necessary. They wanted to put in a syringe full of the freezing stuff and I looked at her and asked her where she thinks all that fluid would go. She pricked me in 3 places and my finger looked like it was going to explode. I was scared. She didn't need a third of what was in the syringe.

We took pictures before they cleaned it all off. We need something to go eww over later on. This is a great story to tell LOL Which is why I'm telling it now :) Maybe picture sometime in the future. Of my bloody finger that is :)

My sister asked me if I could feel anything, I said no. She told me not to make that face. I asked which one and she said the one that looks like you can feel it. I told her it was my eyes seeing something that should be causing pain but not feeling it. Mind games. I smiled at her and we laughed. She told me that that wasn't much better as I was gritting my teeth.

When my hand and the Intern was sterile my finger was poking out of the cloth and I told my sister it looked like a very small penis. We laughed and the Intern asked what was funny. We told her and she said that my finger was the third finger shed had to stitch that day and that shed never heard that before. She said she was going to picture working on a penis... I told her to be gentle It was my first time. We all shared a laugh.

So 5 hours, some sliced chicken courtesy of my sister and the dinner she just came from, a bottle of water, good laughs and catching up with my sister. Getting home at midnight, walking the dogs, taking a shower... with a latex glove and rubber bands... Ill leave it to your imagination... I went to bed to wake up at 4am with a throbbing fourth finger. I wasn't able to go back to sleep. I tossed and turned and wondered at how to make things feel better. My sister had my ice pack, I had no Tylenol 3 that Ive just learned exists and I was told would take away the pain and put me in a euphoric state... when did Tylenol 2 come out? Is there such a thing?

I don't take pills you see... aside from birth control, that's just common sense. So, no pills for me if I can help it. If my doctor says I need to take it then I do but I try not to take anything.

So woke up and got a text from D asking me if I am OK. He just got the text I sent the night before, letting him know about what happened. I didn't hear back from him. I thought he was asleep. He was. He felt bad and cursed his phone for not waking him when I sent the message.

He cares...?

I contemplated taking the day off but realized that this was the long work week that I have and it wouldn't do not to show up at J1 and then show up at J2. I would have stayed away from work had I not been scheduled to work at J2.

Which brings me here, writing this post about what happened last night. Nothing exciting. Kind of dramatic, but still filled with laughter.

I'm a bit worried though, about how sex will affect my finger. I'm a bit worried as sex promotes blood flow... Don't want any blood flow... well excessive blood flow in my right hand. I feel a bit self conscious with it and I'm thinking of what positions I can be in for sex. No pressure at all on it. Cant accidentally hit it on anything as that would bring back the focus to my finger. I'm going on a late lunch and going home for some much needed distraction. I'm looking to focus my mind on a different kind of throb on a different sort of ... appendage. (can I call it that?) on a different sort of person.

My warning to D... Be careful... my finger is fragile.

His reply. Its not your finger you should be worried about.

So much for warnings.

218 - mistext

I know that Ive brought it up before. This thing with D and I. I don't know what it is. At the middle of the game Saturday night while I was bartending game 3 of the Stanley Cup Playoffs. I get a text message that was not at all meant for me.

'If she is wearing underwear they are see through cz I can see everything I don't think shes shy'

It was meant for his friend, one of his friends. Not me. I don't know if he knew this girl or not but I have to wonder if he sends anyone else anything about me and the things that Ive done. I just wonder that's all.

I kind of chuckle at the text that was sent to me by accident and I imagine him with eyes wide open, swearing up a storm at how dumb his accidental mistext was. I could have sent him a text letting him know that he sent it to the wrong person but I just left it. I had much more imortant things to do. Flirt with the hockey fans. That... and I wanted him to stew and come up with a story to go with it LOL

I also think about whether this thing, such as it is, will go anywhere as far as well, the future goes (any kind of future, short/long?) I have no idea. I haven't started thinking of couple things with him other than going out for meals and having sex. OK that's a lie. I have thought of going on a vacation with him somewhere hot but... I've also just pictured us only having sex and ordering room service. I do need sustenance to keep up with the sexual demands of my libido. HA!

Its simple this thing we have and I really don't want to complicate things. Which I will by having any sort of conversation about us that involves more than sex and whats involved in the sex we are planning on having.

No, its not all about sex. It cant be when we keep in touch throughout the day. For a few moments I thought it was so he could make sure I wasn't out gallivanting about with other men. Ive gotten the occasional 'be good tonight' or ' no hooking up tonight' text from him.

I smile at his texts and continue with my nights. When the mood is right, I let cards fall where they may. If I cant meet him for some reason or he asks about my plans for a night when we aren't together. Ill be honest and let him know if I have a dinner date or what not with someone. I can never tell what his reaction is. Unless its what happened last time I told him I was meeting someone before he was coming over. That was obvious. Well obvious as in he wasn't having any part of it but that could be because he wants to be the first one to be with me that night. He assumed that's what was happening with the other guy. Silly.

Anyway. Its all just a little bit in the air as I want but I don't want. I'm too much of a chicken to say anything at this time but some one day I might just screw it all up and say things I'm not supposed to say in order to figure something out. I'm hoping though, that Ill just keep doing what I'm doing now even if I have the occasional inner conflict and doubt. That I'm used to :)

My sister and I have talked about it and we both agree that I have no idea how to go about having a normal relationship. But what is a normal relationship? I'm sure this can be argued til the cows come home. That's a big part of it I think. I haven't had a normal relationship and I don't know 'The Rules' if there are any. I know there have been books written about the rules of what to do and what not to do.

Going though it and living it seems much more my thing. I prefer to talk to people about it and go with trial and error. I also prefer to have it all bang around my head every so often. Hey.. as far as problems go? This is one of my biggest in my life at the moment. I'm not really complaining. Ill take this over many other things that people have going on in their lives.

So to sum it all up, I'm confused but sexually satisfied with whats happening.

211 - money shot

Went out to my car which is parked right in front of the building. Its supposed to rain here, they are calling for a thunder storm. So I went out to roll my windows up, a little windy OK a lot windy.

I'm wearing a new purchase, turquoise blue skirt, gorgeous. Absolutely feminine and sexy. I'm beside my car, one foot down off of the sidewalk and lean in to the door handle when a gust of wind blows right up the back of my skirt and lifts it up into the air.

Picture not Miss Munroe. Picture miss Darling. White halter top, long flowing turquoise skirt in the air, legs apart, smooth legs and high heels.

I hear a whistle and a holler and I as I have a fist full of skirt in my hand tight around me so no wind can flash anyone. I turn and see a coworker walking up the walkway. Big smile on his face.

I look at him and I cant help but laugh at the situation.

Darling - I had to have you around to witness that didn't I?'

CW - That was the money shot! I love being at the right place and time.

Darling - Hope you have it committed to memory CW

CW - Trust me that will be what I see when I close my eyes from now on

Darling - Well I would hope so. That is, until the next money shot comes along and not from yours truly... isn't that right.

CW - You know me too well, all the guys are wondering what made you scream, they are going to be so jealous.

Windows are all rolled up and not one drop of rain has touched my car since the incident.

Great day not to be wearing any panties Darling.

206 - Choose Darlings Adventure

Its that time again. Choose Darlings Adventure.

The following options are possibilities of the highlights/low lights of the long weekend. In no particular order...

FRIDAY

Option A
Was it spent watching movies, fruity drink at hand while at the same time cooking a feast, doing laundry and making plans for the next week with those in the soup

Option B
Was it spent practicing how to dance provocatively for future audiences of one or more. Pole imagined and considered as an extravagant purchase of the sometime in the future.

Option C
Was it spent in a hot bubbly bath followed by a pampering of self by self and then snuggling into bed wrapped in warmth to catch up on much needed rest and relaxation.

Saturday

Option A
Was it spent lazing around topless at the local beach volleyball venue. Lazing around as in napping, listening to music with the occasional flip to my stomach even out the sun exposure

Option B
Was it spent purchasing shoes, dresses, skirts and unmentionables with a lovely and talented relative. Also known as Darlings little sister.

Option C
Was it spent moving boxes from one storage room to another in hopes of freeing up space in a much needed area. All the while rushing to get to the grocery store to fill empty kitchen cupboards.

Sunday

Option A
Was it spent doing groceries, napping, cleaning out the fridge and other unexciting things.

Option B
Was it spent not regretting the night before celebrations of a long night of practicing to be perfect in many different clandestine ways with a man of mystery

Option C
Was it spent at another dark place where women seduce with their bodies, where drinks continue to arrive without a word, where men are tempted and fall to their knees with want for the possibility of...

Monday

Option A
Was it spent spending making brunch with one man to fuel bodies for an afternoon delight.

Option B
Was it spent sleeping in, in the morning, and walking around in newly acquired shoes and dress while making arrangements with someone to come and visit for a much needed romp that the living room hasn't seen in a while.

Option C
Was is spent being surprised with an early evening out of town visitor for a couple of hours of very selfish oral pleasure that which I was the beneficiary.

:) Now to find out what you all thought I was up to :)

----------------------------

My goodness this post took me all day to write. Work really gets in the way!

205 - celebration

In celebration of the my one year blogging. I treated myself to an an afternoon delight, a quick bite to eat and a long island iced tea to wash it down.

D didn't need a reason to meet with me. I haven't told him about the blog nor do I think will he ever know about it. I thought it was interesting that I celebrate in this fashion. Again I took an extended lunch. Yes I was late returning :) You cant rush an orgasm... well.. thats another post I think.

In the car driving back to work I felt warm. The sun was out when it wasn't when I left work for my afternoon delight, in fact it was a little chilly with the wind. I looked at the mirror and noticed that my face was flushed, continuing the scrutiny I noticed the tell tale signs of a flush on my neck and chest. Oh dear me, I cant very well change into another outfit as that would surely give me away.

On my walk from the parking lot to the building I felt a lot warmer. Post coital glow. I wonder if people will think Ive gone tanning for lunch? I wonder if they will be able to tell that I just had a noontime rendezvous of the orgasmic kind.

As soon as I walk into the office. I hear 'Did you just have a quickie?' My mouth agape and my eyes open wide. I laugh and say 'yes I did'.

Either deny deny deny OR tell the truth. You'll keep them guessing :) They all laughed and asked hat I had for lunch. Chicken.

Sitting at my desk my phone chimes informing me of a text. 'In case you're wondering I'm available for lunch anytime'

I chuckle, wonder and text back' if its actual lunch or each other for lunch.'

'Either/or better if both, I'm easy'

I agreed mentally, he is easy :)

---------------------------------

Update on K Will possibly be seeing him sometime this weekend.

M called asking me if i could get together with him tomorrow sometimes. I said no. More retail therapy with my sister and possibly a new hair cut/do/style... undecided on that

Haven't heard from S and that's OK. When I'm not expecting it Ill hear from him.

---------------------------------

Have a safe and happy long weekend to any and all Canadian readers!! :)

190 - foiled!!

My sister and I went to see the movie 'Vacancy' last night. A thriller. I should have learned that I shouldn't watch them as they freak me out. Nope, lesson not learned. I must have a sadistic streak or it is masochistic? HA! We watched it and it wasn't really bad. Kind of cheesy but still did its job in messing with my head afterwards. I think its because it was believable and I'm sure there must be sickos out there that do something like it or something similar to the yuck that was part of the movie.

After the movie we didn't do anything, I dropped her off and made sure she made it inside. It was looking a bit dark and I was worried. Why wouldn't anyone have one light on? Here begins my mental paranoia for the night. When I am at the lights about a couple of blocks away my phone rings. Its my sister. I think 'OMG she needs help!'... why did I let her go there knowing there was no lights on.

Its her telling me that I drove off with her wallet. She put it in my purse during the movie. Big sigh of relief. I drove back to meet her and we talked a bit and we laughed at my paranoia. She told me to carry the hammer in the parking garage. Like I wasn't thinking that already?!?! HA

So I drive home and call a friend of mine to wax how silly I was and that I really am not cut out to watch horror/thriller/scary movies. My friend makes me laugh and pokes fun at me a little bit which is expected. I feel a little better but I still have to face the dark scary parking garage that is full of creepy corners that could possibly house a menacing and evil man just waiting for a young unsuspecting (but I am suspecting) innocent like me.

I make it to the building safely, after the hurried clicking of my heels, purse over one shoulder, hammer in one hand and keys ready to scratch out eyeballs in the other. (I have yet to hang anything up on my walls and my sister is lending me the hammer, which is how I have a hammer in the car) Just give me a reason to know what it sounds like when hammer meets skull. (Sometimes I'm so full of it.. bravado that is)

Up in the safety of my apartment I kick myself again as I now have to take the dogs out for a walk. Outside. In the dark. I debate whether or not I need to take them out. No, I don't have t but I want to as its only fair and right as a dog owner. So I strap them on their leash and off we go. Phone on the ready. I program 911 on my phone so I don't waste time dialing and can do so in the confines of my pocket should I stumble across unknown assailants during the walk.

Gosh it was dark outside. I think Ill be suggesting more lights or brighter lights for around the building and maybe where I take the dogs out. I know, wishful thinking. So my compromise was to take them out and suck it up, stay in the light but it wont be the normal walk time that they get. Sorry dogs. Ill make it up to you later on.

K calls me as I am on my way in and I tell him about my night and he laughs. Im glad he called. I was going to call him in the next day or two. His fiancee was in town for the weekend. He told me what they were up to and as for the feelings of me falling for him. No, it wasnt there, I think hes slipped into a whole new category (TBD) I wasnt feeling awkward about it all and didnt mind talking about it. Were still planning on getting together at some point. Shes gone until Friday then shes in for about a week. So about 2 weeks or so until we get together. Now Im not planning on getting in the middle of what they have. Hes not planning on changing his situation. But like normal people you can have feelings for other people at the same time. It doesnt take away from what he feels for her. Anyway. This might get a bit deep and much. Ill save that for another post.

Back upstairs, doors and windows locked (I'm on the 12th floor) as I cant be too careful right? I get in touch with D who is planning on coming over after hes done work. OK, prepare things for the next day and jump in the shower. D calls in the middle of it and he says hell call back in about 10 minutes. My phone doesn't ring at all, not a beep. I set the stage, candles, nightie, bottles of water. Still no call. He said he'd call so the phone will ring. I decide to lie down and end up falling asleep/ taking a nap. I'm not worried my phone ringing will wake me up.

It doesn't wake me up. I open my eyes and see the candles flickering. Take a mental inspection of my body. Nope have not had sex. I get out of bed and grab my phone. Nothing. No missed calls. Checked recieved calls, nothing since the shower call. Nothing. Hmm Check time. 1:30am. Is he OK? Accident? Chickened out? Not in the mood for sex? What?

I call his cell and get his voicemail and for some reason didn't leave a message. I didn't know what to leave so I hung up. Call me weird OK??! I didn't know. Ill find out what happened.

Turns out he did try to call me for a full hour, every 10 minutes and did leave a message for me. My phone didn't register anyone calling me, no voicemail, no missed calls. In the morning a mocking message on the screen. New voicemail. D asking me whats going on, asking me to call him when I get the message and wondering jokingly if I called someone else...

So I ended up blowing the candles out and leave the nightie on as its good to change things up once in a while. Oh and I locked the apt door. I was planning on telling him to walk right in...

We've made plans for lunch today. Hes coming by to pick me up. Ill never hear the end of it as the guys here at work will tease me about the 'new beau'. We shall see.

I hope tonight turns out differently. Just watch though Ive got a feeling that the Powers That Be might have something else up their sleeves for me tonight or the stars might just be a bit skewed to allow for midnight rendezvous to happen. Cant a girl just have sex?!

189 - childish

Nothing was planned for the weekend and nothing came up that was last minute. I spent Saturday shopping with my sister. I gave myself a starting budget of 100$ to spend and ended up doubling it. We had lunch at a favorite Thai restaurant and had great food and fun conversation.

Turning into the parking lot to get to the restaurant a cab driver decided to try to squeeze himself in before me and I of course didn't let that happen. I don't like stupid people and that extends to stupid drivers. Ill admit that it wasn't even legal for me to turn right where I did so I know we were both in the wrong for that. So I went and found a parking spot and did a mental grr towards stupid drivers. Taxi drivers or not.

I pull into a spot and see behind me the same guy who wanted to squeeze himself in. I'm thinking did he want this exact spot as well? My sister and I get out of the car and I am a little confused about why he was blocking off my car. So I walk towards the restaurant not wanting to give him the time of day. Maybe that was the wrong move? As he rolls his window down and asks me if I have my drivers license.

Darling, Of course I do... do you?

Non English speaking driver. Do you know how to drive? You could lose your life. Next time you lose your life.

My Sister. Are you threatening her???

Darling (and I hate confrontations of this sort) I understand that you may not be pleased about what happened but I had the right of way. Seeing as I am alive and you are as well. Enjoy your day. It might have been your last as well.

Non English speaking driver, says a few things like go get a drivers license and so on.

I take a deep breath and start to walk away. Sooooo not worth my time! I turn when I hear my sister spout out a few expletives at the driver and I smile and laugh. I think shes in a fighting mood as shes saying things that I would entertain thinking of. Shes swearing up and down and really giving it to this guy and hes still in his car.

I tug her arm and she follows me. Shes the fighter, I'm the lover. Both of us are fuming at the ridiculousness of the whole situation. I just get over it faster. As per her request she wants to wait outside for a few minutes to see if he does anything to my car. She apologizes and I tell her not to worry about it. She said some things that I wanted to but didn't and I told her it just wasn't worth it. If we took the time to deal with all the stupid people we came across then wed have a lot of things piling up on the real to do list.

I'm trying to teach her patience, letting go and walking away. The lessons shes teaching me? Ill save for another post :)

So after we see him drop off his wife and child and see them return with a small paper brown bag of some sort of food. We watch the car drive away. My sister apologized for being paranoid as shes worried hell go out and key my car and I know shed feel guilty so I stay outside with her. Calming her down a bit.

Inside we make fun of each other and come up with really witty if a bit late comments that we could have thrown at the man. Some that made us laugh and some that were really mean which involved a jet plane ejecting someone off sans chute :P we are so mean sometimes in thought only of course. In person we are the epitome of sweetness and delight... really. Its sick sometimes really.

That was the highlight of the weekend.

The low light involves me being brave and strong if all a farce. I enjoy horror movies and enjoy the squeak of the doors and the drop of a hammer when I'm not expecting it. So the movie of choice that I thought I could conquer for all future scary movies, was WolfCreek.

Not a good choice. About 30 minutes from the end of the movie I shut it down, almost in tears and hid myself in the safety of my blanket where no evil could get to me. I kicked myself all sorts of ways and felt a little childish as I am a 27 year old... dare I say woman who just spouted of all these things about how great it is to be me and I cant sit through and watch a horror movie in its entirety without almost shedding any tears.

So I tried to and cant do it. I tried to watch it on my own. I do need someone there. About an hour in my hiding place my cell phone rings and I'm reminded of the noise in the move The Grudge with Sarah Michelle Gellar. I'm hoping to not hear that noise when I flip the phone open.

Its D who was in Toronto at the time. I tell him what I did and feel even more like a total girl. Chin quiver and everything and as I tell him what I did or tried to do. I feel the start of ... nerves again. He tells me that I'm OK and that I should wait for him next time I want to do something like that. God the girl in me needed to hear something like that. I needed to feel protected and at the moment distracted from the eerie shadows dancing on my bedroom walls.

It hasn't totally left me. In the parking garage, I look at all the corners to make sure I don't see any movement. I leave quickly and recall the self defence lessons that I learned. Though no one would know what serving the sword means, that or up and over and buddy, around then arm barr (sic).

Oh well, in time I know my head will rest and feel safe. Though if that movie was based on a true story. Whose to say that a movie wont be made from something that happens to me (gulp) This is how people start getting things like... erm... phobias, that's the word... I think. Is it?

Self inflicted insanity? paranoia?

Its amazing what kind of tricks the mind can play. I know ill get over it in a few days. One day ill look back and call myself silly for allowing myself to get to that point. But for now... Ill be sleeping with one eye open :)

Please tell me its cute that I'm this way and that its not something I should worry about :)

180 - soup update

Left T a message about a week ago havent heard back. Kind of annoyed that I havent heard back. Not for the normal reasons but because I kinda just want to know if I should delete him from my phonebook or not. Though not hearing from him makes me want to do that anyway.

Funny, Im not sure if its because they think Ill want a relationship with them. Not what I am looking for just so were all on the same page. Maybe thats what I did wrong. Didnt clue them in. But I pretty much do. They always ask me and I always tell them that I am not looking for one and that seems to lay things out nicely. UNLESS.. maybe he was looking for something along those lines.

Have women freaked out so much that men are scared to be honest and just say it like it is. Im not interested? Or do they let time speak for them? No matter where things lead with the people in my life. Its nice to know they are around for one reason or another. Its just good to know what those reasons are.

I guess its just wanting to know and not being left to my own imagination.

This is what bothers me. We meet face to face and talk and get along to a degree. If I am not what youre looking for tell me. Id rather know that than be left to my own devices. Is it because people are scared to be honest and open? Or is it just that people dont like to give bad news?

How is it bad news if someone were to tell me that they arent interested in any or all capacity. Thats just one less person I have to think of/worry about/entertain etc etc. Life is short. The world is large, people are plentiful and time is important.

I havent heard from K in a few days so I left him a voicemail if somewhat tipsy in its content. Margaritas, and jugs of something fruity and light are the culprit but really. I was looking to have him come over... I guess it wasnt meant to be.. for that night :)

The JB situation is a bit strange to me and feels too unknown. Its darn exciting and a bit odd that I have no idea what to expect and basically just winging it :) Ive no expectations though I do enjoy whats happened so far. Yes even the uncertainty and my silly machinations that I bring into it all. Will update as things happen.

I wasnt sure if hed ever want anything to do with me after dinner and drinks. So I just left it to fate, though I did end up checking my email in case there was anything there. Yes, just like a girl. But Im sure men do that too? IF not that then something. Like counting the sleeps for when to get in touch? JK :)

Damn if I dont know any of the rules of dating or even seeing anyone. Really. Im clueless. I feel like I should come with a warning label. Ill throw this out and ask you what kind of label that should be. Should be interesting :)

Ohhh so I just checked my email and ive got an invite from JB. I guess its customary to wait a couple of days before making any contact? Let the little woman stew over every minute detail? The details I was thinking of were. The guy sitting near us at the next table seems to have a wandering eye. The way JB seemed a bit hotter when he was standing up tall and not just sitting down. How he being a lefty looked a bit awkward since I was sitting on his left, he even mentioned it but added that he would use it as an excuse to touch me. Hmm was he kidding or not? I think I did a lot more arm touches. But thats just me.

So the invite to a concert to see Martina McBride a country singer perform April 28th. Very simple email.

'Just wondering if you would like to go to this? How is your day going?

JB

Also at dinner with JB I drop my hair clip under the table accidentally!!! and it just happens to land just past his far leg. I tell him not to pay any mind to me and I am not trying to get close and touch him but I needed to pick something up. I turn my head away from his body as he looks confused and I lower my head and reach my arm out and darn if I dont have to lean my head against him a little bit. He laughs out loud a huge belly laugh and cant resists saying ' while youre down there...'

I slap his arm when I come back up and blush furiously as other tables heard his laugh and of course what he said. I just shook my head at him and tell him that I tried but couldnt find it. HA!


D was suposed come over last night but on his way over, there was a family issue he had to take care of. He sweetly asked me if I was mad at him and I wasnt mad. Just well really... frustrated as I hope he was too. Just bummed that I would have to take care of myself when I was looking forward to someone elses care and attentions :)

Maybe its for the best. He might still pass on his cold to me. Another day wont hurt in order to keep the germs at bay. So in an effort to make me feel better he wants to take me out for lunch... on top of that hes put out there that I get carte blanche on... I told him that it was dangerous to give a girl like me that option. He laughed and said he was sure to relish in whatever I choose. Must think something out of the ordinary, just to throw him off.

Hes on vacation for the while week next week and wanted to take me on a road trip, due to an unfortunate event one of the ladies I work with, her lung collapsed and is now off until the end of the month, not even sure if she will be returning. So my plans for taking any time off whether it be half day or a whole day? Not going to happen. Bummer.

B. I am meeting tonight. Nothing much to say about him yet. More to follow.

168 - Princess Lulu

Things I shouldnt do at work

Flirt with clients over the phone. *Client JB

1 I dont know what they look like, most importantly they do not know what I look like.

2 No matter how hot they sound, refrain from flirting!

3 Coworkers can clearly hear the flirt switch has been turned on, the chair spinning doesnt give me away, the shoe dangling off of my foot as my legs cross and uncross doesnt either. Its my voice.

4 Goal is not to make them blush. (JB did blush, twice) one at the mention of needles, two when I wanted him to clarify if he wanted my info or something on his file.

5 Do not talk about his cats name. Nunner -pron Nun-er. Which I have been told is French slang for pussy. Must verify...

6 Princess LuLu as a stage name? Must think of better stage name. JB seems to like it as he called me Princess Lulu throughout the call. Of course after I was flustered and had to think of a name other than Darling, in case he was to complain at the flirtatious work related phone call.

7 Do not surrepticiously go through clients file to find out how old he is. (11/22/1976) I wonder if I can institute pictures being mandatory...

LOL Ive never had a more enjoyable phone conversation with a client on the phone. Ive had many. This one takes the cake. It would be interesting if he were to get in touch with me somehow. If he does great! If not then thats ok too. I have a wonderful memory for the books.

Ok so I just sent him an email which is work related. I swear it is! Its not my fault that I cant spell my own name and that it somehow looked suspiciously like Princess Lulu at the bottom of the correspondence.

So I know that hes single, has no GF, is scared of needles and cannot donate blood or even listen to me talk about donating blood. He works full time and has hardwood floors throughout his house unless its a bedroom. He has a Queen sized bed and drives a fancy truck which he adores. His just had his staircase done with burbur. He lives and works in the West End of Ottawa. His cats name is Nunner and we now all know what that translates into. If he had a girlfriend he would adore her as much or more than he does his truck. Hed also make sure she was well and truly taken cared of in the physical aspect of the relationship.

He asked if I spoke to other clients like I do with him and I said no, I would surely not have this job if I did. An hour per client? Productivity would go down HOWEVER loyalty and retention would skyrocket. He even said if he had 'this' every time he wouldnt even think of other companies. A man who knows a good thing when he sees it (this case hears it)

So out of a need to hear his voice again. I made up an excuse to call and find out how things were in regards to business. He saw right through it but was happy I called. Oh to find out where things go with JB.

Incidently, he signed off his reply via email with Prince Charming.

155 - phone call

He called me. As I was watching a movie at home with my sister. My phone rings. I excuse myself. I check the phone number and its one of the many that my place of work uses. I wonder who it could be and maybe its something important.

Darling Hello Darling speaking

Coworker w my # Hey there pretty lady, how are you?

Darling I'm good thank you, how are you? (its not an important call (sigh) its him)

CoW# I'm good, what are you up to?

Darling I'm in the middle of a movie with my sister. (YAY no awkward and apparent lying for me)

CoW# Oh OK, I just wanted to say hi and talk about a few things.

Darling I see, well, I'm sure we will see each other at work. Anyway, Ive got to get going.

CoW# oh OK, lets get together at work sometime

Darling Have a good night!

That was the highlight of the conversation. I tried to keep it short but it lasted a few minutes. There was nothing interesting and I felt bad for wishing I didn't pick up the call. Should have let my voice mail take it.

So I did give him my real number. I was debating it before. History tells me I would have given him my actual number like I did. (another story for another time)

So I'm still trying to blend in and not attract attention. Silly shoes give me away though. Maybe its time to retire them and find a pair of (gulp) silent, unobtrusive blend into the woodwork loafers? LOL Nah I don't think so. Ill just have to start training in these heels to run :) Better yet, fend off an unwanted advance from the opposite sex.

What do you think? would that be sexier than Lara Croft? pencil skirt, stockings, stilettos, blouse doing roundhouse kicks and back flips? lol

Our paths cross daily and I know that he tries to coordinate my whereabouts with where he will be so I'm always doing things at different times of the day from what I had done the day before. I'm an ordinary girl with an extraordinary social schedule sometimes. Nothing to see here. Keep it moving...

Oh and last night? While I was sitting in my living room. I was hoping someone would magically appear sitting beside me so I could well... sit on his lap and well... grab a handful of cushion tight and hang on...

Just in one of those moods again... still.

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Its my sisters Birthday today :) Shes the best. I dont tell her enough that I love her. She knows things about me that not many people do. She has a comfortable couch to sleep on. Her cat and dog are cute and Im wondering what to get her. I know!! Ill get her something we'll both laugh at and that shell secretly love while she pretends its no big deal. Now to find that before dinner tonight.

Theres nothing in this world that I can get her that would show how much I love her. Maybe thats why I am having such a difficult time thinking of something for her. My mind moving to the land of possibilities. Id love to take her on a trip to London or France, Sweden or Australia. Knowing her, shed tell me she would be happy going to San Diego or somewhere on the Coast.

There was a lottery jackpot in the US for something quite large, somthing around the sum of 350 million dollars. If I was lucky enough to win (wishful thinking) Id share. Thats plenty to go around and still have much to roll around in, invest and Id love to make peoples dreams come true if I could...

Shake off the dreamworld for a while. My phone is ringing...

funnies

As seen in a dog's diary:

7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!

2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mum! My favorite!

7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!
8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!
11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping! My favorite!


As seen in a cat's diary:

Day 183 of my captivity... My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.

The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
satisfaction that I get from clawing their furniture.

Tomorrow I will eat another houseplant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while
they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again
induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair. I must remember to
try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to
make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in
their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I
was. Hmmm, that did not work according to plan...

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in
solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell
the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my
powers of inducing "allergies." I must learn what this is and how I may use it to my
advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog
is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously
a half-wit.

The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks
with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current
placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I have patience, I
can wait, it is only a matter of time...

* Oh to be able to read the minds of animals... on second thought... Id rather get into yours...

funnies

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend version 7.0 to Wife version 1.0.

I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6!

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.

I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!
Thanks, A Troubled User.
___________________________________

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM.. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this.

Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation.

I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.

Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software.

I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3.

This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

------------------------------------------------------------------- added Feb 14th

I should add that this isnt how I see relationships/marriage. Its just amusing that so may people agree that it is similar at times. I know it takes hard work and constant change and communication between people to make something grow and become stronger.

If it seems like Im against men somehow by putting these up. Im not. I love men of all kinds.

143 - lesser or two evils

I get out of my car and see a man with 2 young children. I dont dare guess their ages. Im just thanking my lucky stars I dont have any at this time.

I lock my doors and walk away towards the bank. Theres something sinister about the night and the darkness sometimes.

'Hi, How are you? Long time no see!'

Shit I do know him. Do I? Im hoping hes talking to someone else. Nope hes talking t me. Great! This was bound to happen sooner or later. 'Hi how are you?' (I stand around awkwardly, planning an escape route. Look left to right and will the ground to open and swallow him up not me)

(sigh) Tap my foot impatiently on the ground. I hear 'good good, get in the car you two. In now!' I think thats too bad, keep them out so they can distract you and make you want to just get home or wherever it is you seem to have come from that outfitted you in something shiny and blue.

My thought continues and wonders why the world brings people to me when Its specifically people that I try not to be around. I seem to have this sick twisted luck. Someone up there likes to play with Darlings life. Its not the good fin kind of play either.

'So dont I get a hug?... (Im thinking huh? well... ok why not. I be my polite well brought up lady like self and do the double kiss which gets his attention and right away I think WRONG!! Shouldnt have initiated any form of touching. I did the kiss kiss thing that I have to rethink...

He isnt satisfied with that so he pulls me in, Im taken aback with the shock that it was such a wrong thing for me to do the double kiss to THIS guy, that, catching me off guard he reaches around me and palms my ass in his what I am sure was a greasy palm. AND he squeezes! Not the nice kind either. He squeezes as if hes making up for lost time...

Maybe like an old great aunt would if she hadnt seen you in years because she has very very thick glasses and calls you a different name other than what you were given at birth? Have one of those? Instead of her squeezing your ass its your cheek? That kind of feeling. (cringe)

So yeah. Im even more shocked now that he touched me in a way that was not expected much less wanted!

(inhale) This boy will self destruct in 3 blinks... blink... blink... blinks... waiting gleefully for combustion and sparks. Nothing. The world is not on my side this night.

'So, what have you been up to?'I hear myself saying in a tone that doesnt solicit more conversation. 'Just working and yeah I just got off work and im here with the kids... shopping. Do you live nearby?

Sirens of all sorts start going off in my head and I think 'Darling, you could say no, youre just in the neighborhood to use the bank. What comes out of my mouth. I look at my house, and a brilliant thing ... my hand goes up and waves in the opposite direction and say ' nearby yes, you?'

Why do I keep talking?!?!?! And what has happened to my legs??! Why arent they walking away?!

Someone would be slapping me now (not to mention earlier, and about a few months ago if my life were a cartoon)

Victory!! I didnt tell him my house was in visual distance (I allow myself a silent snicker... not the chocolate bar, the he he he kind)

So he tells me that hes thought of me a lot and wants to know if Im still in the same place.(work) LIE! 'No im not', wow that was easy! 'Oh where are you working now?' Im working downtown now. HA try to find me.

FLASHBACK of man who found me at work by calling number after number in the phonebook. My triumph is shortlived with that memory

'Well I never got your number that time. Id like to have it' hmmmm really dont want to, know I wont give it to him so I just say 'Hmmm, no' This does not deter this man. 'Well it would be nice to have it so I can call you. I had a lot of fun and want to get together. You know how I like to be adventurous.' Like THAT is going to get me excited about giving him my number.

Im thinking... Come on memory... was there enough of him to be adventurous?!? Cant have been as I declined 90% of the things he suggested that time. Its ALL crashing back in waves and Im being pushed back with the 'ick ' of it all.

First let me say he was dressed in a bright blue track suit. At 10pm!!! I have nothing against bright blue tracksuits. I do have something against them when people wear them IN PUBLIC! and its so not a good idea when youre trying to pick up someone that you might have been in a questionable situation with.

Its a big NO. Do Not Pass Go. Do Not collect 200$ Get thee to the jailhouse! Well I wasnt impressed with anything at this encounter... And please dont even think or mention what could have brought me to unsaid questionable situation involving bright blue tracksuit wearing man.

Well, back to unfortunate incident of the night, 'why dont I get your number?' errr 'well I think we see each other enough that we dont need it.'

Remind me to post about my annoyance with how Ibump into people that I culd really do without seeing as often as I do.

Its time to end this freaky chapter of the day, 'Well Ive got to go, Im running late' He says 'Hey are you married?' I should have said yes, but something tells me that that answer wouldnt have done anything to disuade him from his goal. The goal in this case being me (sigh) sadly.

'Uh, no Im not, but Ive got to go' I turn to walk away and leave him with a 'take care' and under my breath I slap my thigh and chastise myself for getting into things that bring me to situations like that. I mutter how strange and keet muttering until I walk in front of a car whose occupants stare at me as I talk to myself. (oops)

Silently!

Ok so I do my banking and in the middle of it I lean back far enough over the side walls of privacy to peek and see if his minivan is still around. Nope gonzo! YES!

I finish up and walk out to my car. Start it and think what an odd night. I hope someone up there is having a good laugh. :) I think what a story this would make when I tell my girlfriends. Another classic Darling tale for sure.

So I drive out and Since I dont live too far from that bank Im home in 1.5 minutes from where I was parked. I check out my rearview mirror and see a white Jeep, right on my tail. Jacka$$! Oh well Im home. I dont need anymore strange occurences for the night.

I pull into my driveway and the Jeep pulls up in my neighbors lane and I think 'Thank goodness I didnt do anything' Its good to be home after a long day. I get out of the car and GUESS WHO WALKS OUT OF THE JEEP?!

Damn. He does live nearby too! OMG yuck. This has gone too far. Im pretty annoyed now and just look at him over my car and ask 'what are you doing?' he starts apologizing right away about how he thought I might have seen him flash his higbeams at me and he thought that I was pulling over for him (as if) 'Err no I wasnt. Why would I want to do that? I thought I made it clear that I didnt want anything with you tonight?'

'Well yeah but I thought we could talk for a little while. I dropped off the kids and came right back and I thought if I saw you it was meant to be' The idea of fate does funny things to people. This is not funny. Im freaked out that he knows where I live.

'Look tonights just not a good night, I am not looking for anything and its kind of freaky that you followed me home. He starts to protest that he didnt know it was home I was pulling into. 'Whatever' I cut him off. Look really its strange.

He goes off about how hes not a crazy stalker/crazy/weird guy. He would never come here without my permission. OMG like that would ever happen!

He also says that he knows he looks bad dressed the way he is and the way hes sporting a 5 o clock shadow (more like a 2 day shadow to me) He says that usually women are running after him. Im about to laugh in his face. He obviously doesnt know me but wants to. He corrects himself as he just realized how pompous he sounds. Making excuses about not looking good and timing just being bad and and and...

I dont spend more time with him. He just asks me again for my number and I say no. I just turned and walked away saying Ive got to go.

Inside my house. Im freaking out.

aoieknf as;oitha;owiehtja;owenflkawmfhiawe toihweatoiywahelkfmlakfo;iahflkamv oiaehfroiweahtf

(thats me freaking out)

Buts its helping to have written about it. Kinda damn funny actually. So I sit here typing all this out and Im hoping that you have all been amused by one or two things in this post.

So the lesser of two evils... give the poor guy a number, any number, that should satisfy him for the time being. Its better then him knowing where I live. Does it have to be my number? He could very well enjoy a pizza when hes connected. (giggles)

No worries. I know I have a reason to be freaked out as he knows where I live. BUT this isnt where Ill be living in the near future (wink)

Im moving remember... which is another update that is coming.

funnies

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the
flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,
such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed
undesirable programs such as NHL 5.0, NBA 3.0. and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

========================

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package,
while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: "http/www.I Thought You Loved Me.htm" and
try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 5.0
update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0
to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer
6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in
the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources)!

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are
unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We
recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support
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Being single I have no idea how it is to be married. I wonder if a percentage of this is true. Its been said that every joke has some truth in it. So for those of you who are married, is there some truth to the above? :)