402 - long protracted emails

Long protracted emails. Can be a good thing. Can also be a drag. Sometimes I find either I want to get right to the point, right to the heart of the matter, the meat on the bones. Other times I like the slow simmer of getting to know someone and truly finding out if this connection is something that has a chance of moving from virtual to real world without it fizzling upon contact.

Is it any wonder that two separate men, who I have been in touch with for the same amount of time have a totally different reaction coming from me? Both seem intelligent kind and and and. The one thats able to surpass the other comes with wit and has the ability to make me laugh.

The other has seen too many disappointments in meeting people off of the internet. thus projects all his issues onto our situation. Tries to rush the process basically which if anyone knows is not such a good idea and wont endear anyone to me if done.

Witty and funny is patient, respectful and though he shares his intent to meet and take this forward, is not running away for the fact that he has to wait. He takes it in stride and continues to be witty, funny, engaging and manly in a way that makes me comfortable, secure and safe.

For all his efforts he is rewarded and he enjoys his rewards. This moves us along nicely and is in line with my way of 'natural progression'. We all have different processes and what may feel natural to me may not to anyone else. Its all different and all on us to decide for ourselves.

It all depends on the person and how comfortable they make someone feel. If the guy is a creep or is giving off any kind of creep vibe then its going to a slow day in hell before I decide to move that pairing along.

Like I tell everyone I 'virtually meet' Seduce my mind, my body will follow. Until that happens its not going anywhere.

Sorry 'jaded guy' im afraid that youll have to continue your search. Ive found someone else... for now :)

400 - is it possible?

The pot of soup is still being stirred and here is someone that you may have read about in previous posts.

SE is still around trying to find a way inside my bedroom. More so inside my underwear, location doesn't seem important to him it seems. He sends me random photos of himself in various states of undress. Which I find amusing. the following is an exchange via texts. I also entertained the thought of finding a way to showcase what I do collect in my inbox other than salacious and titillating emails and in this case photos. I am undecided and I like my privacy so Ill need to make sure to keep theirs as well.

I still find him very attractive, I still rank him high on the making out dept and if I could convince him to only make out we would have hell of a make out session. As often as we could manage. I'm not sure that he would be satisfied with that and not push for more. Truthfully... its that good that I'm not even sure that I wouldn't push for more. Its probably safer this way.


SE - *photo of SE* in some form of undress, showing off his body in fine form.

Darling - SE... are you sure that you meant to send that photo to me? Not that I am complaining :)

SE - Yes of course. Now you send me a topless one.

Darling - You know that's not how it works.

SE - Yes it does lol

Darling - You've seen the real thing so a photo would not do it justice :)

SE - Can I see the real thing again then? :) and soon would be better

Darling - Not when you keep leaving in the middle of conversations.

*we bumped into each other at some point prior to this text session and someone I hadn't seen in a long time stopped when they saw me and we had a few things to say to each other to be polite and when I turned SE had pulled a disappearing act.

SE - I promise if I see the real thing in my bed I wont leave in the middle.

Darling - You are trouble :)

SE - So is that a yes or a no?

... * i don't reply for a while as I am attracted to him and I enjoy making out with him but I'm not sure that I want to get myself involved in this.

SE - Hey you didn't answer me

Darling - How about we keep things as they are. I don't want to let things get weird.

SE - No

Darling - Not the answer you wanted to get?

SE - No but the one I expected.

Darling - You start sending that photo around and I'm sure you will get offers... more than you can handle.

SE - Just want you

Darling - Sweet talker :)

SE - I hear what you're saying but that doesn't mean Ill stop trying.

So a question to the gentlemen. Is it possible to "not go all the way" and just enjoy the foreplay?

321 - not quite the end

Earlier today, I gave in my two weeks. My last day here T J1 is Feb 7th.
I was a bit nervous but once I started I felt better and better.
Honesty is the best policy.
Never burn bridges, you'll never know when you'll need them in the future.
I was told that I will be welcomed back if I decide that the new job isn't for me.
I feel a little less weighed down having given J1 notice.
I have one whole week before training where I wont be at J1
If I work it out right. I might go on a trip.
The trip to Florida w M3 might be postponed... indefinitely.
Taking a week off with nothing planned (for the moment) scares me
I might enjoy it too much and decide I never want to work.
Ill start looking for ways to maintain my lifestyle without actually working :)
Any ideas?
I know that wont ever happen but its easy to get lazy about these things.
I don't like being lazy for long periods of time.
D and I got together at my place this afternoon.
We celebrated.
It was long overdue and yes it was a lot of fun.

I'm tired and feel like taking a nap now.
I'm going out tonight with my brother, sister and her boyfriend.
I'm breaking the news about the new job.
More celebrations.

My next two weeks will be full of celebratory lunches and drinks.
Drinks after work and at the end most probably cake and a card from my coworkers.
I'm happy to be making this change.
I'm going to miss the people the most.
Now I feel like crying.

This chapter is almost over.

296 - Give me more

BC wants to see me again before he leaves. That's nice. Ill have to try to rearrange my schedule as its pretty busy the next few days. I know hes leaving this Sunday morning so I'm thinking the only time Ill have will be for Saturday early afternoon.

Before the Christmas Party that J1 puts on every year. The memo came out saying.

To: All Employees

From: The Head Poncho (name withheld for obvious reasons)

This year the Christmas Party will be held at 'La Di Da' (Not an actual place) which is located at 'Do Si Do' -sic- (Also not an actual address) It is near this road and that road. Which reminds me to map quest it so I know where Ill be going.

It will be held Saturday December 1 2007 at 7:00pm.

As usual it is necessary to obtain as soon as possible, the number of people which will attend in order to cater appropriately.

Please submit your intentions including your spouse or friend to your respective department managers.

Dress code will be smart business casual, no tie, no jeans, or tshirts.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My intentions is not to make out with my date who is my sister no matter how many people ask me to and no matter how much people offer us. That will just not do.

My intentions are to be a more accountable person and to be more disciplined in various areas of life.

Are these the kinds of intentions they are looking for?

Or would be along the lines of I intend not to sneak out of work early or make fun of other people.

What happens if peoples intentions are not honorable?

So they want me to dress like I normally do for work. Dropping my sexy. I think not. I can guarantee that I wont wear a tie, wont don a pair of jeans or be sporting a tshirt. That just gives me a mental picture of me in a matching pair of bra and panties. Oh who am I kidding. I don't think Ill want to match at all.

I think Ill dress smart and sexy. Business has no place that evening. Unless duty calls...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

V has already left to catch his flight. He will be back in a week or two. I feel a little bad about not keeping in touch with him more while he was here. Ive been busy and I think he might have certain ideas of what might transpire the next time we are together. He has many ideas, I know, but he is first a gentleman and lets me set the pace.

He might not like the pace but I'm experimenting with paces. I get frustrated as well but its a learning process and I have a lot to learn. I am the grasshopper.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

B3 called me. I was a little busy and told him wed get together sometime next week. Possibly Thursday. He offered me his cell number which was the first time hes ever done that as I don't have any numbers to call him back when he leaves me messages. I didn't have a pen so I told him to give me a call another time and Id get it then.

I wonder if there's an expiry date on things like that. Like if its a one time offer only. We shall see. I'm not sure what we will do. Getting naked isn't an option yet so that will have to wait. Well, he will have to wait.

In a way I think I like not having his number. I know that for some people its a power thing. It is. I just don't let it affect me. I mean if he calls me then I'm in control because I don't have to agree to do anything with him and it shows that he wants to spend time with me. I can always say that I'm busy and he will have to call me back and he does.

Maybe he realizes what it is I have. The advantage. So now he wants to give me his number which I know I wont dial. Why, you ask? Just because. If he didn't want to give it to me when we first met which happens to have been over 6 months ago. I just don't know what changed in his life that is making him want to offer it up to me now.

Ill keep his number and I shouldn't say I wont dial his number. I might. Its not a plan at the moment but things happen for a reason and I don't know what the reason for this is. So I shall just life as it happens... happen. I'm not jumping up and down for joy, not like winning the lottery. Which I'm still waiting to win :)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

D and I had some fantastic sex for lunch. It was rushed, hurried and oh so intense. Its always a lot of fun when were both in the zone and were both there and were both just enjoying it all. The sights, the scents, the sounds, the everything. It was so good I had to change the sheets. The dynamics are changing between us. I'm not sure how things will proceed but its OK. I know that either way. Ill be OK.

I know that we both care about each other. We don't want anyone to get hurt. Though usually when you talk about that someone usually does :) No? Well maybe not always. Lets hope not.

Its the sex. Ill admit it keeps me wanting more. Have you ever heard of such an absurd reason. The sex is really good. I mean. Its spine tingling. The more I get, the more I want. That doesn't sound very smart but its the truth. I don't know if its healthy but the sex is great and having sex is healthy.

Then there's proximity. The more time we spend together the more time I want to spend with him. Take away that time spent together and the I miss it.

So my thing is now. Don't take things for granted and just make the best of the time that I am given.

Have a fantastic weekend and for those people venturing out for work related holiday festivities in the next few weeks. Remember.... Always Classy, Never Trashy.

285 - a little nervous

I'm a little nervous today. I'm not 100% sure why. Just one of those uneasy feelings in my tummy.

It could be and these are reasons that might be why.

I know D is having a 'discussion' with someone about something that's very important to him and I know that I had a hand in it. Not purposely but inadvertently.

I have my doctors appointment today. I hope everything checks out OK.

Ive told work about the appointment with my Doctor but I didn't mention all the other things I have to do afterwards. Ill mention that the time frame is unknown for how long Ill be gone so that might make me feel better.

Those are the major things I'm thinking could be contributing to my unease for the day.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Random thoughts that are going through my mind this morning.

Reminder that Ill be bartending tonight, Friday night and possibly one day this weekend.
Ill have to write up a list of things to do so I get them done and don't fall behind.

The Big Dog is looking a bit sad as Ive been busy lately and I know I miss her and shes probably thinking the same. Things will die down soon I think.

Halloween is one night where ladies get to play out fantasy roles by dressing up a little bit riskier. Its interesting to me what people choose to go as as I think it might be an indication of what kind of underlying silent wants they have in mind. Just a thought.

Bumping into people after get a great haircut and looking fabulous is such an adrenaline rush.

A friend of mine recently got a part time job working in a Wine Store where she gets to try a bottle of wine a week. This is going to be the start of a fantastic self taught wine course. Which I would like to follow up with an actual bona fide class.

The Wine and Food show at The Congress Center is not only a great place to learn about wine and interesting food. Its also a great place to meet people. Also known as A Meat Market.

Nov 3rd and 4th. Ive yet to decide which day I will attend and with whom. My sister is a likely choice though, we shall see how our schedules work.

Advice
Dress to impress ladies.
Steer clear of the Screech.
Also steer clear of the opposite sex... not all of them.. just those that are...
- slurring
- wavering... while standing.
- vomiting
- loud and obnoxious... impaired by alcohol or not, they should be avoided.

Ive been a little off with replies to any emails. I'm starting back up with them and there's a good sized chuck of guilt hanging on my shoulder. I believe that if someone takes the time to send me an email they deserve a reply. It meant that someone thought of me for a moment or few and I should return the same courtesy.

I think its because I feel a little bit boring and don't feel like I have anything exciting to share or talk about. Such is life. A big ball of perception.

One of the girls I work with is turning out to be someone that is really cool/fun. Maybe once I leave this company we'll be able to hang out every so often.

One of my male coworkers has just been hit with a meteor of a whammy. The girl hes been in love with for the past say 4 years just told him that she is pregnant. Hes come to me for advise. I told him I'm not qualified. I might confuse him even more. He still wanted to hear it so I gave it to him and now I find myself with a lost puppy. Looking to focus his attentions on someone else.

I hope the direction of his focus is not Yours Truly. On a few occasions there have been remarks to that effect to which I have ignored and failed to respond to. Hes in a fragile state and I don't know how delicate I need to be. Sometimes I'm not so delicate in my words even though I mean them to be.

Who knew!?!?!

I hope that getting my passport will bring forth a vacation of some sort. You know what they say. Thinking of it is the first step to making it happen. Ive thought. Ive done. Ive yet to get the tickets. :)

Oh and I guess Ill have to pay rent sometime soon. The good news and bad news? I could have been collecting air miles since Ive moved in and havent as Ive been using a different bank card to pay for rent. Silly me. Ill be taking advantage now that I know :)

Hope everyone had a Safe and Happy Halloween!

282 - closer and closer

I know Ive been lacking in my posts. I apologize. Ive got tons of posts started that just needs a bit more work. Not having the Internet at home really doesn't help.


On the work front. Things are going well at work. I find myself looking forward to leaving. Ive been with this company going on 5 years and its just time for a change. This new position I'm vying for is something that I'm not 100% sure of. But change is good and this will be a change.


I'm nervous about it but there's a training period and its a wait and see kind of situation. If I don't get the position then that's OK. Ill just be here until I find something else. Ive heard of people doing it the opposite way. Leave the current job first then find something after. I'm not that much of a risk taker so Ill do it this way.

On the family front. My aunts who I haven't seen for more than 15 years will be spending the Christmas holidays with us. I think this will be the first time in a very long time that all the sisters will be spending a holiday together. It will be nice but it will also be very strained as I'm sure being a family get together. Ill be subjected to spending time with someone I would rather not.


My sister is thinking of moving to San Diego. She'll be able to do her class work by correspondence which comes in handy. I'm not sure of the timeline that shes looking at. This depends on when her boy friend gets accepted to teach English in Japan. Its all a wait and see.


My dad is in Puerto Rico and will be there for a while. I sent him an email asking him if hes been following the news of the fires in San Diego. I asked him if his place was affected and Ive yet to hear back from him. I know hes busy so I'm not worried. I am worried about his place there and how things are if its in the area of the fires.


Its my dads Birthday this Friday. We've got a package to send him but seeing as hes in Puerto Rico. We'll be holding on to it until hes back home.


My brother is planning on getting the new Xbox 360. I asked him what his plans were for the one he will be replacing and Ive somewhat convinced him that its new home should be my apartment. I'm not a huge fan of video games. Though I do like fighting games like Street fighter. I don't play long or often, for when I do, my thumb muscles get tired quickly and sometimes cramp up.

The Big dog and I ran through an new area where there's lots of bushes and shrubbery for her to inspect. I think something bit her tail as there looks to be a bug bite of some sort which drives her bonkers. Bonkers as in running around chasing her tail. Makes me shake my head and smile at her silliness.


Speaking of dogs. My sister has asked me to take care of hers when she moves and I do and I don't. I feel bad as it is not being home for The Big dog and having another one will just double the guilt. We shall see. Maybe I could make a bid for her fish. Though I think shes planning on making them a package deal. Dogs and fish go together.


One of my girlfriends. The one in The Penalty Box seems to have redeemed herself somewhat. I have yet to remove her from TPB which seems to work because when shes not in it, things seem to fall to the wayside. I'm bringing dinner over tonight and shes making the pina coladas. She didn't make it right. Its mostly alcohol but that's how we like it. It really packs a punch.


I told her it wont be a late night tonight as Ive got the next stage schedule for tomorrow. I imagine Ill be in bed by 9:30-10pm tonight. Bright and early tomorrow at 8am is when Ive got to be on the ball. Ive warned her Ill just be having 2 drinks and nothing more.


Lunch with D today. Ive left it up to him today. He gets to decide what to do. I'm happy either way. That is if we go to a restaurant for lunch or if we go Chez Darling. Its pretty interesting, all this. How I teeter sometimes from one side to the other. I'm amused by it all and I'm aware theres a risk for something that I might not like but there's also the benefit for something pleasant. Who knows?


I'm not in the market for a relationship. D and I are both in agreement with that. We each have our own reasons for it. So its neat that were OK with how things are. I know I might, sort of, could complicate things by fairy taling it. Though I think in time it will just as things do. Fizzle.


I'm aware I do it though and bring myself back to reality. The only person I share it with is my sister and well... of course you.

So its well after lunch as you can tell and D and I had an interesting conversation. If I get this new job. D and I will be coworkers. Ive never fooled around or been with a coworker and neither has he and we both go by the no hanky panky with co workers. This puts me in a funny pair of slippers and I'm kind of sad.

Ill still want to be with him and I still want to get the job. Another case of wanting to have my cake and eat it too. He says we'll see. I'm OK with it if it has to come to that but I wont be ecstatic about it. I mean. Who would be?

Just another thing to think about which makes it interesting. I cant complain too much. I have my health, my home, friends and family and if worse comes to worse. Ill have BOB around more often than not.

Tomorrow is another big day in the me getting the new job dept. So keep me in mind and send me good, calm and focused thoughts :)

Closer and closer...

276 - brain freeze

So far so good on being 28. Ive been spending time with family and friends. Things are looking bright and I feel positive about things.

I applied for a position that requires a series of tests and interviews that I need to pass before I find out if I have the job. Its a bit of a belated present but I got confirmation that I was successful in stage 2. I am now waiting to hear when I go to the next stage.

I was quite sure that there was no chance that I did well in stage 2. I walked out not confident about how I did and how the results would turn out. Its a bit dis concerning not to have that surety or even an idea of how you did.

Should the results have been negative and there is still a possibility that at one of the stages I wont be successful. Ill be bummed and take it personally. Lets hope that doesn't happen. I know its not personal its just a matter of being a fit and if the shoe doesn't fit. Onto the next shoe.

Its interesting and a very good thing, interesting really as I'm not sure what made it happen. I saw D for lunch on my birthday. I told him it what day it was and it wasn't awkward at all. Really fun, especially with the margarita I had.

Then Yesterday I saw him for drinks after he was done work. I met with D after I was with my friend who even though we were able to hang out. It wasn't very fun. Girls night does not include the boyfriend and the boyfriends children.

I wasn't expecting to see him at all or have him ask me if I wanted to go out for drinks. It was a good time and I needed to end the day on a good note. Ending the night with sex would have ended it on a great note but it wasn't to happen. Though I did ask and it was sweetly declined with a promise to come over another night.

Sometimes I know what his answer will be and yet I still ask. I'm not bummed when I hear what I already know. I just tease him with it afterwards. Its fun and flirty and we laugh a lot. However it is a huge treat when his answer is something I wasn't expectating.. but I really was expecting :)

Darling - I was just wondering and I think I need to be reminded every so often. What is this?

D - What do you mean?

Darling - Never mind

D - You mean this.. us?

Darling - yes

D - I don't know. I mean I like you. I like hanging out with you. Because of xyz I cant do more than that.

Darling - You aren't married right?

D - No not at all

Darling - OK Just making sure.

D - What about you?

Darling - I like you... which makes it hard for me to sleep with other people. I mean I like hanging out with you too.

D - I cant stop you if you do. That's something I cant ask of you because I cant have more than this.

Darling - I know you would be OK with 123 and not 456

D - I have no problem if you brought 123 to your place. Just don't bring 456.

Darling - Its not that simple.

D - I'm not sleeping with anyone except you. There's no other woman.

Outside by our cars. We kiss. There's a lingering in the kiss which doesn't always happen. I think we both have feelings that havent been shared with each other. For me anyway, I know there is. If I can wax poetic for a moment It felt like a message. A silent plea for something to be understood. If it cant be said, the kiss is the vehicle to make it understood.

I understand all right. I understand that I can get pretty wishy washy at times. I second guess myself. I don't know if its him that I want. I certainly don't mind the package that comes with him as far as who is in his life. Its just him and what hes looking for.. even if what hes looking for can only happen in 5 years. I kind of want to be what hes looking for. Why? I don't know.

So my reply was a bit off the wall wasn't it? Out of all the things I could have said why that? Brain freeze

That's another post.

275 - Another Day :)

Today is my Birthday.

I'm now 28. :) lol I dont notice how I get older.
I don't look any different.
Feel pretty fantastic
I slept well last night.
Had a great dinner with a friend.

Got a call from one of the other girls at work in a different dept.
I went in. She wasn't feeling well.
I was in the mood to go out to celebrate my last day being 27.
Somehow it didn't happen.
I was hit hard by the sleepies.

D and I talked for a bit. Not as long or as much as we usually do.
I took a shower, said my prayers.. well started them and went to sleep mid prayer.
Oops.

I woke up bright and early.
Took The Big Dog for a walk/jog then a run.
I wonder if she knows what today is.
Silly thought.

Random thoughts in my head.
Write email to Dad letting him know that I love him.
thanking him for the things I grew up with,
letting him know that I didn't want for anything,
that I hope hes happy with me and how Ive lived my life so far.

Things have been planned for the day already.
I wonder if people would be upset if I just wanted to hang out at my place and relax.
I hope people at work don't make a big deal out of today.
I hate being put on the spot.
I would rather have someone play with a certain spot.

I think I should have called in sick.
Too late, people have seen me and that just wouldn't be good.

Things to do.

Pay cell phone bill.
Call bank and ask why they are holding my last deposit.
Pick up some veggies at the groceries.
Book appointment at the spa for some pampering.
Check in on Gramma
Check and reply to emails, text and phone messages
Ride the roller coaster that is my thoughts.

I want to meet D for sex this afternoon. I also want to meet him for lunch. I'm leaning towards lunch... although it would be a great thing to have both. Not only because Its my the big 2-8 but because its Tuesday. Tomorrow would be Wednesday and that's a great way to celebrate!

Ive gotten a call from A and he was all sweet about singing to me. Hes had to go to the Doctors a few times and I know there are things hes not telling me. Which is OK. I don't mind. I'm still a little concerned. Its not my place to pry so if he wants to share more then he will. Ill just be around if he needs me.

So heres to another year. Ive yet to come up with things I want to do while Im 28. There are still some that have yet to be crossed off the list from last year so Ill still work on those.

The journey continues and I hope that its always interesting and exciting.

Have a fantastic day!!

274 - day before

I took a nap and was late meeting D on Friday oh wait Saturday at that time. We were on the phone an hour before we were supposed to meet and I just wanted to rest my eyes and heard the phone ring and answered it.

D- Where are you?
Darling- Ill be there in a few minutes
D- You know you re late.
Darling- I know I'm sorry Ill see you soon

I flip the phone off and throw the blankets off of me and run to my bedroom for some clothes. I don't bother with any bra or panties. I run out with flip flops on my feet and send a prayer up for green lights and no cops.

About 2 minutes away from meeting him and about 8 minutes after talking to him last. He calls again asking where I am . I tell him about 2 minutes away and I'm sorry. He asks me if I was doing something that shall remain nameless. I said no I wasn't.

I told him the truth as much as I was a bit embarrassed to. That I was sleeping. I meant to close my eyes just to relax and ended up sleeping. He said that I should have told him and we didn't have to meet.

In my head I was thinking. Yes I could have but then who knows when we would get together again. I mean I knew it would be some time during the week but our time together is limited and its a treat to see him. It really is.

I get all shy and girly and I hold myself in check sometimes because I literally want to drag him home to bed. Or the car, the nearest park bench or picnic table... you get the idea.

So I tell him that 'I want to see you tonight' I know that we aren't going to have sex but I still want to see him. I cant explain it. I cant tell you if he feels the same way. All I know is that I like... him.

I like talking to him on the home and find it a bit difficult with him cutting back on phone time. I like seeing him in any capacity, whether its just us two or in a group setting. I just like being near him. So I was sleeping and was late seeing him I was still happy to see him even if its for a couple of hours.

Ive also gotten in the habit of kissing him every so often when the mood hits. I just lean in and press my lips to his, pull away and continue on with the conversation. He always smiles when he sees me lean in as well as after I do it. He never does anything that says its not wanted. I don't mind that he doesn't do the same thing. If he does. Ill be surprised. Pleasantly.

What can I say I like him. That and sometimes I have the most incredible urge to take his lower lip between mine and rub my tongue from side to side. Tomorrow...

I wont see him today. Tomorrow we are meeting for lunch unless something comes up that wont allow that to happen. I'm not sure if he knows what tomorrow is. Ive mentioned it without saying it outright. Ive mentioned that it was a week after The Big Dogs. Ive left it at that.

I'm undecided about whether I want him to know or not... or if I want to tell him outright. If he doesn't say anything because he doesn't know then that's OK with me. Its not a big deal. If he happens to mention something then it will be nice. I'm not going to think he doesn't care if nothing happens. Its another day is what it is.

I'm probably not even going to remember until someone calls me to remind me. But much is planned. People who remember have called and made plans to spend some time together. That's nice, I like it that way.

Well another year has gone by. Its been a great year. I didn't do half as much as I wanted to and did too many things that might have been better not. But overall I'm happy and healthy. In the big picture I can improve on certain parts of my life, things are going well in most.

My sister says I still look like I did when I was 18/19. I wonder if that will ever change. Quite possibly. So for now, and everyday that follows.

Enjoy.

Oh and Ill be bar tending more often. As often as I can handle it that is. Ill have to see how my body is doing and how much it can take. Which means Ill also be rearrabging my work schedule for J2 and J3 until I figure out how much I can handle.

268 - yesterday, today and tomorrow

Yesterday

Dropped my cell phone and it didn't want to turn on again for the rest of the day. Got a great deal for a new phone and I took it. I still have hope for my old phone.

Didn't get a call from friend who is in TPB. Was suppose to go out. Instead I stayed home, indulged in some fantastic movies of the adult kind. And by movies I mean about 45 minutes of one... during which I myself put on a fantastic epic performance of my own. To which promptly led me to a nap. Which brought on some kinky dreams of yours truly and some faceless men and quite possibly a woman on the sidelines though I woke up before ... so I have naught to report on that end ;)

Today

After a fantastic run and shower in the morning and being surprisingly awake seeing as I went to bed after midnight. Got to work and learned about a bonus coming to my bank account :) Was supposed to meet with D and that didn't happen.. again. No its not on purpose and no I don't mind THAT much. These things happen. I tell you I'm the best girl/friend to have. So understanding not to mention accommodating. Did some banking, celebrate another moment of triumph for being able to lower my cell phone bill AND get on a better plan than I currently have. Got free services extended for another couple of weeks and gave myself a pat on the back for doing all that with a female customer service rep.

Old phone turned on after trying it.. amazingly. Silly me turned it off and its in a deep sleep again. I'm not worried I still have my new phone :)

5 minutes ago.

Sent D a text message because I was full of happy thoughts and am in a fantastic mood. Just spent about 30 minutes on the phone w D and cant tell you details about what we talked about but it was just as good as a nap :) Refreshing and a definite energy boost.

Darling - :) I like u
D - Ah that was sweet

Which was promptly followed up by a phone call from D letting me know that he will call me later on as his phone is dying. As I'm smiling away and relishing the fact that I like just getting things out there sometimes and not worrying about the aftereffects/consequences of my statements or actions, I am thinking of cuddling with him

I'm stumbling. I know. Ill be OK. I have my eyes wide open and can see whats happening. I just hope Ive got some protective gear that are invisible to the eye. If not then I hope for a soft landing.

Later Today.

Dinner with AR, hopefully something naughty and titillating afterwards. THEN possibly seeing D for a few drinks. Yes same night. Yes D knows about AR. Have I not mentioned that I was honest about these things. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea or to imagine that I am leading someone on. Honesty and the best policy... unless...

Tomorrow.

Be happy its Friday though my days always have some form of work involved so Its not much of a weekend though I appreciate the decreased amount of work that I have for the following 2 days. There will be some daily flirting with the opposite sex and other items that fall under the category of life.

267 - iPod or not to iPod

My sister is thinking of getting an iPod. My brother has one, my aunt has one and now she out of many people that I know should have one. She goes through too many batteries with her MP3 player. To save the environment, she should get one. To save money, she should get one.


Shes still undecided on it and will wait which is fine. I think my brother and I will split the cost and get her one. The only thing is, when she gets hers. I will want one as well. I don't need one. Its one of those things that you feel you need to have but don't really need at all.

I don't need one. I don't think Ill get one. But I kind of do want one. Just like I kind of do want to get a facebook account. Like I kind of want to get a myspace account. There's a part of me that wants those things but the other part of me doesn't.


For various reasons of course some legitimate and others borderline strange. But they are my reasons. Maybe that will be another post.


So for now Ive asked my sister to be my DJ. Ive handed over my Mp3 player and asked her to fill it with music. It will be a surprise but I think.. I hope she knows what kind of music I like. Of course she does. I like the kind of music she listens to so I'm sure its going to be OK.

Shes had it for a few days now and I should get it tonight. Were getting together to do groceries together. We'll be able to re shelf items from each others carts that doesn't scream of health and wellness. That's what sisters do.

The new iPod Nano is out and its pretty cool. Id like a red one please. Then I looked at the other ones they have and the Classic iPod has 80 GB I don't know what that is/does but that's huge compared to the 4 or 8 GB in the new iPod nano. AND when you look at the price difference, its almost an easy jump to make. Darn my thought process and curses to my slow savings :)

It would be fun to have one of those sometime. It would also be fun to be able to use it and know what it all does. I'm not all that techy. I know enough to get around. If I don't know something I know where or who to go to to get the information.

I wonder what people put on the Ipods. Music, audio books, videos... but what kind other than the PG kind. I wonder if people put their porn on their iPods. You know a little stimulation while at work? or on the way home, while on the bus, in the library, during that conference call, that board meeting. I wonder... that's all.

So for those of you who do have one... what kind of videos do you have?

263 - Thank you

Its been more than a week since D and I have had sex. I hope hes enjoying it. Its not being done on purpose. Things have just come up and no, its not because hes given it up until he loses weight. Its just not been possible to meet as kinks are still being worked out of his schedule.

I mind and I don't mind. It gives me time to build the want, which I must say is a lot of fun. But on the other hand it kind of drives me crazy wanting to be naked with him. I have to think of toning down the want. Well maybe not toning it down but just not vocalizing it to him.

Yes I am guilty of sharing. With D. The things that I am looking forward to. With him. Yes.

Ive asked him if it was a bit much and he said no. Though I think maybe its just to make me feel better.

So now I'm asking you. How would you feel about hearing/knowing that someone is looking forward to being with you. Whether it be for something sexual or non sexual. Is that something that is good to share or should it be something that's kept private to oneself?


I was told by D that we would be able to meet at least twice this week for some much needed coitus and it has yet to materialize. Granted Monday was a holiday I saw no reason not to include that. There's always room for some holiday celebration :)

Oh but oh but OH!! Tomorrow.. well tomorrow is a great day. I took the morning off and possibly part of the afternoon as well. I told work Id be in after lunch but wasn't sure what time I will be finished. So, D doesn't start until 3 ish which means that Ill get to have lunch with him and then have him afterwards.

Its a little fitting really as Ive been a very good girl. Nothing naughty happening here lately. The feather boas and leather whips have been put aside and Ive been donning the innocent schoolgirl look and its paid off. Its like Ive been a good girl and am being rewarded for good behaviour.

I had a bit too much for lunch and now I am feeling really sleepy. I guess I shuld have had seconds. I was planning on going to this event for a local radio station tonight. Hot 89.9. Singles at Sea. 300 singles on a boat cruise. Just what the love doctor ordered.

I'm not sure if ill be up for the SAS cruise tonight so I think Ill skip it. That's OK, right now sleep is high in priority. So is rest then to take care of tomorrow.

Wish me luck, send good vibes and all that jazz. Ill be asking you to do this every so often. Reasons will be revealed in time. Its all for the betterment of Life. ( Dont want to jinx it, or get ahead of myself )

... Thank you, I appreciate it :)

Have a great day!

255 - whats your pleasure?

So D's on the phone with me last night and he asks me if I have heard of this place called the Le Nordik - Nature Spa http://www.lenordik.com/ for those of you who are curious to see what its about :)

I tell him that I have heard of it and want to visit it some day as it looks really relaxing. Ever so nonchalantly he mentions that 'maybe when you start your new job (hes oh so supportive about me getting this position) we'll be able to go together. I hear they have some great packages, we can have some wine, massages and relax in the pools together.'

Oh it might never happen but a girl like me? I'm happy with the idea and him mentioning the idea. I'm such a girl its unbelievable.

My plans with J fell through again. How many chances does a guy need? History? It was the third or was it the fourth time that we had planned to meet and something came up. Its also a bit strange that the only nights he can meet are Tuesday or Thursday nights. Fishy I say.

So I tell D that meeting with J isn't going to happen and that I feel a bit bored and restless as I was expecting to go out for a bit. He suggests me renting a movie. I tell him Ive already seen what I have and he repeats the renting part of his suggestion. Cheeky!

I tell him its a great idea and I ask him if he could stop by and pick up a movie and bring it over so we could watch it together. He laughs and tells me I'm non stop. I smile and laugh with him. You cant blame a girl for trying right?

So no movie. No date. Instead. I made a Mango Martini, ran a hot bubble bath, a book by Laurell K Hamilton 'The Harlequin' and parked my naked self into the bathtub for some self indulgences.

Who says I need to be out and about all the time? I can very well enjoy myself over and over all by myself :)

Today. I have strong memories and flashbacks of the self indulgences which makes for me looking forward to lunch with D all the more... intense.

On one hand, we may have sex at my place which would surely make both our days. On the other hand we may decide not to go to my place and instead go have lunch somewhere. Where it will drive me bananas because I'm thinking of what could be happening at my place. Its all good. Ive been able to enjoy the tease that it has become.

Not getting serious about anything with D. Its an adventure. One of those choose your own pleasure kind :)

Whats your pleasure?

253 - Fantastic mood

D isn't just looking out for me. Or well.. I should say hes not only thinking about me. Hes also thinking of one of my Gfs.


Phone call today went as follows...

D - I think you should tell your Gfs that she should apply for this position. I mean you guys could do it together and ...

I'm smiling while hes talking to me because hes not just thinking of me. Hes been thinking of my friend who hes never met. Her situation which Ive shared with him and has offered to help her with things that I wouldn't be able to help with.

Darling - How long have you been thinking of this?

D - Well, I just feel bad about whats happening to her with her old job and think that she should give it a try.

So we talk some more about things, good things, future things, maybe not together future things but things that involve the future and making it better.

Holy you can imagine the warm fuzzy feeling in my tummy. Just a big happy grin on my face and I was just thinking it would be nice to be sitting on the patio with him talking abut this face to face. (blush) Don't go there... I'm not.

So I'm in a fantastic mood. I cannot describe just how. In this euphoric state. I send this text from my revived phone. (My friends think its my cell phone going on strike from all the use it was getting... did you know you're supposed to turn the phone off every so often to re-establish the signal and so on?... I didn't... up until its attempt at suicide, I hadn't turned it off since I got it on May 26th. Oooops)

Darling - I'm meeting with my GF tonight for dinner and drinks or something like that :) Ill mention what we talked about earlier and see that she says. Oh and I think you're fantastic!

D - Why do you think I am fantastic?

Darling - Many reasons.. want me to list them?

D - Is this about sex again?

Darling - Lol I knew you would think that but its not just the sex that I think is fantastic.

Darling - Do I make it seem like its about sex all the time?

D - No not at all!! ;)

Darling - LOL Hmmm k .. You are fantastic because you.. look out 4 family, friends and pets. Ur smart about a lot of things and share the knowledge.. I find anyway. You work and enjoy what you do. Ur all around happy and I like the way you think even if it means I pout for a bit. In more ways than one you turn me on -blush-

D - You're making me blush stop

Darling - I was blushing the whole time I typed it out but its true.. and if Ive never said it before I'm glad you said 'Hi' to me on St Patricks Day.

I thought about it after a bit and felt kind of silly about sharing that. I couldn't honestly tell you how he hes feeling and what hes thinking. I just wanted to share. I didn't see anything wrong about saying good things to someone I like. I know it would make me feel great if the roles were reversed.

I guess what I wanted to do was give a little back. I mean he unknowingly made me feel fantastic about thinking about my friend and her situation and offering up a suggestion. I like that he thinks about other things like that. Its nice and its all positive. I haven't heard him make suggestions to bring people down its to help which I find attractive.

The difference.

I knew I would make him (or hope to have made him) feel fantastic.. directly.

Life is too short. Don't want for the perfect moment to tell the person you like/love and any other emotion there is, the moment is now.

Thanks for stopping by :)

240 - better

I don't know why I didn't just ask him. He did.

D - So do you miss me?
Darling - Well if I say yes too many times when you ask I might inflate your ego a bit.
D - laughs
Darling - This time? just a bit... :)

We've been on a bit of an off schedule you see. His schedule for work doesn't allow for repeated/consecutive midnight rendezvous or afternoon delights. Ive been spoiled and I'm feeling it. He feels it too and we've both mentioned how its affecting our sex lives.

The line when its good, its good. When its bad, its bad comes to mind. Unfortunately.

So he knows I miss him and does he mirror that at all? I don't know as I didn't ask. Silly me. I was shy about asking that and I was thinking that it sounded too much like ... something I don't want to describe.

So I leave it... until I send him a text 30 minutes later saying

Darling - I didn't hear if you said you missed me or not... :)
D - You didn't ask
Darling - OK smarty pants, consider this me asking... and??

10 minutes of no reply... like he does to me when I don't reply right away I send him a...

Darling - Wow not even a little bit? :)

45 minutes later.... 45 minutes of me thinking...

- hes so playing with me right now
- is he kidding me right now
- now is not the time to not have a fully charged cell phone
- did I send that to the right person?
- he must not know I hate waiting
- sigh

I'm thinking those thoughts and I'm not having a freak out girly moment. I'm just cool. Thinking but not over thinking. Smiling and laughing at myself really. I have to laugh, if I don't I might do something that would make this post not as much fun to read. I realize that he must have missed me to call and ask me that question. right? right? right?? yessssssssss

So my thoughts went this way...

- he must like me ... even a little
- SUCCESS!!!! (arms up and a big smile on my face)
- no one would ask that question if they thought the answer would be a no.
- no one likes to be told no :) So he knew it was a yes
- because no one likes to hear the word no and ask questions that gets a no :)
- yipee!!

about 15 -20 minutes later the sweet chime of my cell phone letting me know that I have a text reading...

D - of course I miss you
Darling - Its about time! You could give a girl a complex making a girl wait that long. But its nice to know... :)

Hes got plans for Saturday which I has my pinky toe crossed to see if he would ask me to join him. Not happening but that's OK. Ive got things to do that I need to catch up on so I'm glad that were not getting together on Saturday.

I asked him when we would see each other again as its been a while. Last Sunday morning... well its been since last Sunday since I have had... with him. And Tuesday since we've seen each other... for lunch.

He says he wants to try to get together for Sunday but cant promise anything. I'm not bummed or anything its nice to hear that he wants to. If we don't get together that's OK. I still know that he wants to and right now... that's whats important to me. Plus I get to take care of what I need to in other parts of my life :)

I'm such a girl.

Hes such a boy.

Its so good to be where I am at the moment :)

FIFA tonight I think its Brazil against USA. It should be a good game and I'm bringing my flirt on. As usual :) A CW of mine also wants to bar tend FIFA I forgot to call her. Ooops. I will try to hook her up with it. We shall see.

No plans for the weekend. Something might come up as it usually does. Maybe relax on a patio on a nice cool night after work. I plan on getting out of my shell a little bit and always working on becoming better...

234 - wake me up..

Something that I like, I like wake up sex. I'm not just talking about waking up in the morning while the sun is coming up, not the kind where you wake up before the alarm goes off. Nothing against those. I wouldn't say no to any of the above :) I'm talking the kind where you're with someone and throughout the night there is a nudge that's accompanied with a fondle. A knee that presses in between my legs to spread them apart.

The feeling of not knowing just what is happening. Then feeling that smooth slide of being taken gives me. When it makes me gasp and arch my back. When my mind slowly catches up with my body. My body already in motion. My mind sluggish to come out of the slumber. The body willing the mind to hurry and catch up and enjoy the moment. Once the mind reaches the same point where my body is usually at the OMG how does this feel so good stage.

Is it that I'm not thinking of what to do, how to move, when to moan or what not. None of that is in my mind. All that's in my mind is I have this wonderful feeling of being filled and of being with someone that just wants to get off. This feeling that someone wants to see me get off. Honestly. In its purity. No long and drawn out foreplay, no teasing and no back and forth with the flirtation. Just the raw pleasure of wanting to take care of a need that only one person will be able to take care of. Right here, right now.

Is it because my mind isn't as quick to process the situation. Is it because my mind isn't thinking of ways of how to do something new and different that will blow his mind? No, none of that is present. All that's there is the joining of bodies at a point where my body welcomes the intrusion, holds it tight and for some reason it feels different from any other time. It feels even better. It can almost be at the top of the list. Though it shares that acclaim with other.. likes.

As much as I like being woken up this way. I also like to be the waker and not always be the wakee. Have you ever been with someone and in the middle of the night you feel skin rubbing against you in parts that are slowly working ahead of any other part of your body. The feel of someones hands roaming your body, touching parts of you when you just want to be held somewhere specific? Woken up with someone and a part of you already in the midst of an act?

Thought Id share things that I like.

184 - spanking?

Darling - I'm touching my nipple right now

D - urrghhhhhhhhggg

Darling - What was that?

D - You cant do that!!

Darling - Do what?

D - Tell me things like that, its not fair, I cant do anything right now

Darling - What do you mean?

D - I mean I cant just unzip and start spanking it..

Darling - Sounds painful (ive also never heard that expression before)

D - Ill show you painful later

Darling - I'm sure

D - Yeah you cant tell me things like that. Not now I am not alone. People will see

Darling - So I shouldn't tell you that my nipple is hard? I thought that you didn't mind if people watched.

D - No, you shouldn't Tell me that and I don't mind but not in this case

Darling - Or that my nipple is surrounded by goosebumps

D - ..They are.. ?

Darling - Yes I'm getting very sensitive, all of this is making me a little restless...

D - I know how much you like that and how good you feel...

...

Its exciting to know that he gets aroused with a description. The way his voice gets low and deep. How he'll talk in that low tone even if hes all alone. I like it. Some people may think what I did isn't fair or nice at all. But in the end, it turns out nice for the both of us. It builds anticipation and desire.

176 - until August

How fast and furious my mind and other vital parts of me work. I think I fell just a little bit more for K. He got back from a trip to B.C and got in touch with me when he came back. We spent about 3 hours on the phone together and he was even debating taking me out of my bed, out of my PJ's, and into something to go out for a drink in. Was I ever tempted and scared of looking the fool.

3 hours of appealing and attractive conversation. Of questions and answers that fueled more topics ranging from current events, how (corn) tortillas will revolutionize the world, whats on our reading lists, taking self defence classes, contents of hard drives and talked about firsts.

Oh how I want something to happen here. I don't know what and I don't know when but I know that something, anything has to happen. Deep down I know it wont happen, there are things will happen between us but maybe I have moved ahead of myself. I should stop, just enjoy it for what it is now. Enjoy what I know will happen and not look to the imagined possibilities. But how can I not when hes filling my mind with things that I know are unintentional. Things that I like in someone. Well. Its always like that isn't it? Everything about a person is new and exciting. Ill chalk it up to that and take it as it comes.

So after being achingly open and even a little/lot flirty. The bomb drops. Hes engaged and is getting married in August. Holy shit, I felt like I lost one of my best friends. Like someone was taken from me. I swallowed and told him that I was surprised, glad he was being honest but (gulp) OK with it, when really my shoulders slumped a little, my voice never betraying me as my chin quivers slightly. My eyes squeezed shut and blocked any moisture from forming.

There was shocked silence on my end, some unintelligible stammering and the thoughts I mentioned above... those things that might happen just might never happen. That's what I lost. I know I did it to myself.

I was thinking why do I feel like Ive lost you when I never had you... in any capacity. But I did have him in a small way and he even mentioned it a number of times. He feels that something. There is a something.

Oh that something feels so right. There's something that will be magical. Something that might even bring fireworks. I thought about it some and think that I will enjoy whatever it is that I am meant to experience. Enjoy the time that I have, whatever time that is and if its only meant to be fireworks and magic over the telephone lines... then... so be it.

I know its not the best nor is it the smartest situation to get into. It just seems right, for the moment and at some point if there any issues that comes up then Ill take care of it at the time. I just cant sit by and not experience this.

I'm a big girl. Who is fully aware of how things can turn around and kick me right on the rump. I know that at any point I could be left to dance alone. Ill have the memories and the knowledge that I will be that much better for the experiences that spring forth.

So, I have him until August. In any way that I want him. I know at some point, when I look back at my life at an age where I no longer resemble myself as I am now, when I can no longer jump as high or run as fast. I know for certain that I will look back at the life I have lived and regret the things that I did not do. I have to do this or Ill regret it the rest of my life. That I cant live with.

Sometimes I think too much and Ive decided to just go with it. Come what may. I will enjoy the time that I will have with him. Ill treat it like a chapter without the happy ending, just many fun and interesting plots and subplots :) And Im ok with that. Really. Im not a schoolgirl.. I used to be one and still have the outfit.

** This could all of course just be feeling the excitment of meeting someone new :) Oh well. Heres to finding out what happens.

174 - puddle

I don't know what the technical term for it is. I'm sure if I searched for it Id be able to call it what it is. But for you men... its part of your neck. Its what is on either side of your throat. Starts just under and behind your ear and goes down towards your collarbone. Neck muscle? Look in the mirror if you have to. Turn your head at different angles to see how prominent it is sometimes and at certain head positions. Some mens 'thingies' for a lack of terminology is more defined. You know what I'm talking about now?

Sorry ladies this is for the men, continue to read, but its only in men that this turns me on. Well, so far anyway. Ill have to keep an eye out for the effect it would have on me from a woman but I digress. Maybe other things would flick the switch, its a learning process.

Why did I just have you go to the closest mirror to have you move your head in all sorts of ways and to have you touch your neck (did you touch it as well... your neck that is) Because this, gentlemen turns me on. Seeing someone who has this, accompanied with a strong jaw line makes my knees weak. I don't know if its because I want to tilt my head to the side and have my teeth gently on either side of it and nibble, suckle and just play. OR is it because I want you to do that to me too? Maybe a bit of both. Maybe a lot of both. OK its a lot of both.

I would hope that my attention to it might turn whoever the recipient is, on. I know it will turn me on to do it and have it done to me. I share this with you because aside from the other things that women look at men for I look at this. I get turned on to do this. I know my eyelids close just a bit, I inhale just a bit longer, I lick my lips and imagine myself on this mans lap, with my legs open and draped to either side of him with my mouth and tongue flicking over this spot that I have just shared with you.

I know if its done to me, I'm well, reduced to a puddle.

P U D D L E

160 -open

I think I'm losing it. Just for the moment though. I don't think it will last long. I do know that this wont be the last time that I feel this way. Meaning Ill have another segregated moment of feeling like this. A moment where I'm hit with this greatness.

I was writing an email and I'm hit with intense feeling of something I cant describe. Maybe If I tried I could. Maybe if I wanted to try to explain it I could. I wont as its too intense to think of and ill just tear up again. Good tears. Cleansing ones. Felt like cleansing ones anyway. Almost one big sigh of rightness.

It felt good so I have a thank you to send out to this person. Though I'm sure I should probably keep my insane thoughts and neurosis to myself on this one. The thing is, I didn't. Not that I don't care about what other people think of me. I do. Really, sometimes too a point that is silly. Oh, don't tell me I'm the only one. I know I'm not :) But on certain things when it comes to matters of importance. I like to think that I'm pretty open and able to share.

I also know that I'm pretty fragile sometimes and always hope for the best and realize that what I have done can always turn around and slap me in the face. Not all things work out which I also know. I'm not thaaaat naive.

'Expect the worse... hope for the best.' Some people might like that saying or like to think that way. I can see how it can seem a bit negative, it isn't, plus its always good to be on your toes.It works for me. Kind of always makes me aware of possible things that might happen. The good and the bad. The ugly can stay where they are :)

So anyway. Sometimes Ill gather enough courage to do something that I wouldn't ordinarily do. Like actually go up to someone and give them my phone number (I should probably think of asking for their number.. that would be a first lol) or send an email. So I bring those two up because last night I didn't give my number to someone. I wasn't sure if they would have used it or not. But now I know he will never use it. I made it happen by my lack of courage. Darn! Nothing ventured nothing gained :)

The email I sent. That was more of a sharing than anything, I shared what I was thinking and thought why not send it. It was going to go into the folder that contains random things, letters, lists and the like so I decided to just let it out and share it.

I decided to just send it. LOL with some apprehension and some dread on how things would be taken. I just decided to send it just to send it and share the things on my mind. Why not? The only person it would hurt if anything would be me. If that. So .. minimal losses, though I don't think that will happen (crosses fingers lol) I know that some people aren't comfortable with other peoples thoughts, mindsets and feelings. I just hope that its not misinterpreted.

I'm just that open to tell someone that I really like them but not as a forever thing. Maybe... maybe it is... as a forever thing.. like I want you in my life forever, in any way that you are comfortable being in my life. Like as a friend/lover/confidante.. anything. Just as a general I like you as a person and think you are wonderful. I'm glad to have been included in your life/mind/ party/ wedding. blah blah blah. I don't know if people would generally take it that way. I hope its not taken in a way that would remove them from mt life. I hope they don't read anything more into it that it was meant to, more of a sharing and a way to just express myself as I am just that open.

So as you've noticed on some posts here I am open, I do talk about things that are happening. There are more things that I don't talk about but that's for another time, when the time is right. But I share and I feel there's no reason to hold anything back. Things will happen as they do and if there is something that I say to someone that isn't taken well. Its not out of malice, its out of 100% genuine Darling :)

Anyhoo, its just a matter of life going on and doing different things. Doing things outside the box. doing things outside my comfort zone for what else will make me learn and grow.

We are all on our own personal journey. I just happen to be more open about mine sometimes.