176 - until August

How fast and furious my mind and other vital parts of me work. I think I fell just a little bit more for K. He got back from a trip to B.C and got in touch with me when he came back. We spent about 3 hours on the phone together and he was even debating taking me out of my bed, out of my PJ's, and into something to go out for a drink in. Was I ever tempted and scared of looking the fool.

3 hours of appealing and attractive conversation. Of questions and answers that fueled more topics ranging from current events, how (corn) tortillas will revolutionize the world, whats on our reading lists, taking self defence classes, contents of hard drives and talked about firsts.

Oh how I want something to happen here. I don't know what and I don't know when but I know that something, anything has to happen. Deep down I know it wont happen, there are things will happen between us but maybe I have moved ahead of myself. I should stop, just enjoy it for what it is now. Enjoy what I know will happen and not look to the imagined possibilities. But how can I not when hes filling my mind with things that I know are unintentional. Things that I like in someone. Well. Its always like that isn't it? Everything about a person is new and exciting. Ill chalk it up to that and take it as it comes.

So after being achingly open and even a little/lot flirty. The bomb drops. Hes engaged and is getting married in August. Holy shit, I felt like I lost one of my best friends. Like someone was taken from me. I swallowed and told him that I was surprised, glad he was being honest but (gulp) OK with it, when really my shoulders slumped a little, my voice never betraying me as my chin quivers slightly. My eyes squeezed shut and blocked any moisture from forming.

There was shocked silence on my end, some unintelligible stammering and the thoughts I mentioned above... those things that might happen just might never happen. That's what I lost. I know I did it to myself.

I was thinking why do I feel like Ive lost you when I never had you... in any capacity. But I did have him in a small way and he even mentioned it a number of times. He feels that something. There is a something.

Oh that something feels so right. There's something that will be magical. Something that might even bring fireworks. I thought about it some and think that I will enjoy whatever it is that I am meant to experience. Enjoy the time that I have, whatever time that is and if its only meant to be fireworks and magic over the telephone lines... then... so be it.

I know its not the best nor is it the smartest situation to get into. It just seems right, for the moment and at some point if there any issues that comes up then Ill take care of it at the time. I just cant sit by and not experience this.

I'm a big girl. Who is fully aware of how things can turn around and kick me right on the rump. I know that at any point I could be left to dance alone. Ill have the memories and the knowledge that I will be that much better for the experiences that spring forth.

So, I have him until August. In any way that I want him. I know at some point, when I look back at my life at an age where I no longer resemble myself as I am now, when I can no longer jump as high or run as fast. I know for certain that I will look back at the life I have lived and regret the things that I did not do. I have to do this or Ill regret it the rest of my life. That I cant live with.

Sometimes I think too much and Ive decided to just go with it. Come what may. I will enjoy the time that I will have with him. Ill treat it like a chapter without the happy ending, just many fun and interesting plots and subplots :) And Im ok with that. Really. Im not a schoolgirl.. I used to be one and still have the outfit.

** This could all of course just be feeling the excitment of meeting someone new :) Oh well. Heres to finding out what happens.