318 - sinking in.. Florida

D and I talked before he left. I felt a little out of sorts talking about it as I wasn't sure what I could and couldn't talk to him about. In the end I let it all out and he was OK with it all. He understood. He felt bad that there were things that he couldn't help with but he would try to see what he could do.

I told him that it was good enough that he listened. That I wasn't sure who I could talk to about any of that seeing that it had to do with the both of us. I asked him silly things like if there was anything between us. If there was anything between us that would last. If in a few years we would be something more than what we are now.

I told him that I miss sleeping with someone. Not sex. Just someone to lie in bed with sometimes. I miss the closeness I guess, the intimacy with him. We have other moments together Its just not all the moments. I told him I knew that he wouldn't be able to. I told him I knew that it was important for him to be there when Little D gets up in the morning. I told him that it was part of the attraction for me that he had Little D and that I find him a fantastic Dad.

I told him that I knew he wouldn't be able to spend the night because of that and I understood. I just wanted to know if he thought about it... and in my mind I thought Id be pleased if the least he said was yes hes thought about it and if he was able to he would. Just hearing him say it would make me feel better.

My question to him was. If you could would you want to? I got from him, 'I completely understand where you're coming from and its not out there that you have been thinking about it. I knew this issue would come up sometime but I wasn't sure when. You don't know how much I want to and there will be times with this schedule that I will be able to stay until the wee hours of the morning. I will be leaving to be home for when Little D gets up. That's important to me too.'

Throughout the conversation I cried. I cried because it was nice to talk to him about it. It felt good. I cried because of his answers and how much I needed to hear him say things that I only thought of. I cried because I didn't have to hide it.

I asked him if thought I was totally out of line asking these questions and even if he thought they were he said 'no not at all. I'm glad you talk to me about these things it helps us work it out together and keeps it all on the table.'

We somehow went to talking about arrangements like these and I asked him if this is how it usually goes. He didn't know how to answer that and I asked him how what we have is different from the others that he has had. He told me that they don't usually last this long. That they usually don't understand that Little D is his #1 and that it doesn't usually last past a month or so.

He said he would understand if I didn't want to continue the arrangement that we have and if I wanted to just be friends then that's OK with him. He says that's not what he would do but he would understand. He said hes happy with how things are between us and he wants to make sure that I am OK and comfortable with it all. If not then we can just.. be friends.

He said that what we have is new to him too. Its nice to know that its uncharted territory for the both of us. In the end I admitted that the realization that there might not be a future between us was sinking in. I cried, he listened.

It wasn't the greatest conversation but it was one that felt liberating. I don't know how things will be when he gets back. I do miss him. I miss his voice. The phone calls to and from each other. I miss his body. I miss what he does to mine.

I'm cant make a commitment to someone that cant do the same for me. I do have feelings for him and I don't think that will change. I do need to continue on. Ill always be there for as long as he wants me in his life. Hell be in mine as long as he wants to. I don't see myself throwing a friendship away.

He sent a few text messages yesterday and that was nice. I told him to have fun and not to do anything I would do and his reply was really? I can do all that?

Cheeky huh? LOL

In continuing on. I will be going to Florida sometime in early February with M3 for a couple of days if our schedule works out. We will meet each other there.

Cheesecake with AR last night went really well. Hope to see more of each other in the near future.

Got a phone call from Brazil who was in New Brunswick visiting his parents. He was in Ottawa but didn't have my phone number so he wasn't able to find me. He doesn't know where I live either. It was nice to hear from him and to know that Ive been on his mind a lot. He is thinking of moving back but isn't sure of when.

Things are looking up. D will be back Monday. We'll see how things go.