349 - some soup

AR and I have been seeing each other every other weekend. Usually for lunch and were together for a few hours at a time. There is always a giant pink elephant in the room with us wherever we go. For me the pink elephant is the kiss. Wanting to.

I'm not certain what it is for AR but I'm thinking its the same thing. If we weren't in public I think it would be easier to get the kiss out of the way. Though once the kiss is out of the way then it would just become something else.

There is a shyness around the both of us that makes making the first move a little difficult. Were in the same situation. Actually were not but we think alike and really were not in the same situation. AR is just that AR.

There is a side that's scared to be with me for fear of being lost in swept away with me. The other is looking forward to the experience.n How do I deal with that? Very carefully.

Do I think there is a future with AR? Trust me on this when I say that AR is happy being with AR. I wouldn't want to create waves. If only I could tell you about the other details. Maybe another time. Or maybe... you'll figure it out on your own which leaves me off the hook in telling you.

A little about AR. Younger than I am by a few years which I know is very unusual. Don't forget this is an unusual situation and there are things that you have yet to find out. But young AR is. Legal of course in case any of you were wondering.

I try to stay on the good side of the law. Try :)

Once after a desert I took AR to an adult store and we walked around pointing out things that we've used own or would like to try sometime. It was to say the least arousing. Still nothing happened after that.

I wont invite AR to my place. That would just seem... too soon. Id like to go to AR's place. There I can see much happening. But seeing as were both shy and there is a conflict of interest in AR's situation. It might not happen for a while.

SB or as some of you like to think of BS :) has made a few late night calls going down... memory lane. This of course is something I'm not 100% behind though I feel a little uncomfortable telling him that 'I'm really not in the mood for this'. So what happens? I entertain him. I make appropriate noises and try to stay in the realm of semi sleep so as to not be awake. If that makes sense. Kind of like when you know you've been dreaming and you open your eyes and try to get back to the dream somehow. Confusing... I know. He'll be in my area again in a couple of weeks and we shall see how that goes.

I bumped into S's coworker at a bar once night and didn't know they worked together until he mentioned where he worked. I asked him if he knew S and he said yes with a surprised look on his face. A few reasons why he looked surprised went through my head. They all made me smile. There was an awkward moment for me as I know S isn't in contact with me anymore. For a couple of reasons which makes me sad. He was a nice person and someone I had much I wanted to learn from.

I often wonder if he spoke to S about meeting me at some point. I wonder about his reaction and what he thought. I guess now Ill never know. But I can always imagine :)

I wish him well and that every so often should he think of me, smile.

M calls every now and then. Usually for the same reasons. To help in ... certain situations. I'm sure I've mentioned him before and the kind of phone calls he enjoys. The timing just isn't right for me when he does call. That could mean a number of things which I don't really think of too much as theres a very less than slim chance of there being anything that happens between us.

Which is why I let him indulge in his phone fetish for the moment.

I think I might have put A through the wood chipper already but it is worth mentioning that he is a persistent man. He calls leaves me messages and continues to do so without any reciprocation on my part. Ill eventually call him back and leave a message about a week later.

I know someone might think that I am playing games. I would like to clear it up that I do not play games unless they aware that I will be Jane waiting for Tarzan. Well you get the idea.

I think the reason its just not happening is because of a few reasons. Ill share some. First, our schedules never seem to work out. Second, theres no real solid 'want' on his side to set a time and day to meet for coffee, lunch or dinner. Something, anything. Though Ill admit if I were to say lets meet for sex he would have a plethora of times and dates and a basic you name it Ill be there attitude. Which leaves me unsatisfied somehow.

I want someone who wants to see me, be with me and hang out for whatever reason. This whole let us see what my schedule is like and Ill get back to you line doesn't work on me because that's the line I use. Which tells me that there really is no interest other than sex with him. He brings it up often enough.

I think it might be one of those situations where he wont get what he wants if he keeps doing what hes doing. Kind of like the more he wants it the less I want to give it to him.

P is anxious. Yes hes still around. I have to be careful. I know he is starting to have feelings and hes looking at 'the future'. I'm not there where he is. There wont be an 'us'. I wont lie and say that I don;t feel anything for him. He'll always be someone that's been on my side and have been essential in giving me advice concerning some things.

There was a time where I was falling for him to. Then I think it was too much for him and he lashed out and I couldn't go through that again with him, so I worked on not falling for him. It worked. There wont be a future but there will be a friendship. Yes I wonder sometimes but that wonder isn't pushing me towards that road.

Maybe in the new year Ill go and spend a week with him. Sounds strange doesn't it? I don't want him but Ill spend a week with him? You don't know all the details on this one either. Maybe one day.

There is a gentleman who lives in my building. I'm not sure if Ive mentioned him before. If I have I apologize. He parks his car next to mine in the garage and he is not my type for many reasons which I wont go into. But he seems to think that were meant to be friends.

Hes already told me about his marital status and how hes.. lonely. He would like to have a 'friend' and he thinks that I am perfect for the position. I imagine hes thought of many positions with the way he looks at me. Makes my skin crawl and not in a good way.

Sometimes I am not as smooth and coherent as I sometimes seem. When he asked me for my phone number so we can be each others friend and when he asked me out so he wouldn't be lonely. My response?

'oh, well... I don't think that's a good idea, plus you live in my building. That would just be complicated if things didn't work and I don't want anything complicated. Thank you but no thank you'

As I was saying that and more. I wanted a hole to open up on the floor and swallow him up. He always asks for my number and I always decline. its a bit disturbing that he will say things like. I always see you and you always look really good. You are always alone when I see you.

I try to avoid him.

One night I was wearing something a little revealing and he came into the garage as I was walking out of it. He looked me up and down in a not so gentlemanly way and asked me to wait for him so we could walk in together. I should have told him that I was cold and I had to gt in and quicken my pace to get away. I didn't. I waited. Stupidly. I'm too nice sometimes. Must work on that.

Of course again he tried to get something going. At least I'm consistent with that. I am not interested. Wont be ever. Just not my type. Obviously.

There should be new additions to The Soup. Its in the works :)