344 - Proximity

P has been calling me more and more lately. I don't always answer his calls because I know it will be a long conversation so there are times when Ill let him get my voice mail. He is a little intense sometimes for me and already hes saying things that make me a little bit wary of continuing things.

I know he means well. I know hes a nice person. I'm also not sure of certain things so that make me think. Hes going through a lot of personal things at the moment which I wont go into but its just a lot for one person to deal with.

I don't mind the attention, its just I'm not sure of his expectations and that puts me in a position of not knowing where I should be and how I should be. I don't want to hurt him as hes easily hurt so Its a delicate dance with P to make sure that were both in a place that is acceptable to the both of us.

The relationship with P makes it so that I sometimes feel obligated to do certain things. I dont like that feeling. Ive enjoyed spending time with him but it just takes a lot of my time with him and hes the kind of person who needs a lot of attention. I don't think I can be that person for him for a long period of time.

This thing with P is also on going and also on and off. Ive made it that way so I'm not such a constant in his life and I try to make sure that we spend some time together every so often to make sure he doesn't feel left out of my life.

Its a little difficult sometimes but it somehow works itself out. Hes a great person. Very supportive and very in my corner when it comes to whats happening in my life. Its a very intricate and interesting relationship we have.

Makes me smile to think about it. It also makes me shake my head thinking about it.

I hadn't heard from S in a while and I got an email from him letting me know hes been thinking of me and has been wanting to call me but he was unsure of how I would take that call... and even if I would take the call.

Again hes a little pushy for me and I'm not in touch with him because of it. Theres a time and place to be someone and act a certain way, his timing just happens to be all off. It really has ben a while since Ive spent any time with S. Maybe once Ive got things under control at work then I might consider going out with him. Right now? Not such a big priority.

J called me and I had to apologize again about not being able to free up any time to see him during his free time. I know he must feel like I'm blowing him off but I told him I wasnt. I just need to take care of things on my end and maybe spend more time with him to feel comfortable around him to just let myself be.

SB called to let me know he might not be in town for a while and wanted to let me know he was looking forward to seeing me when hes in town. Whenever that is.

V is going in the woodchipper. Why some might wonder? Well I think its because I didnt partake in some of what he was offering last time he came to town. It just wasn't something I wanted to do then and I had a gut feeling that I wouldn't see him again if I did partake.

So I find myself being right in that aspect. Theres been no contact and I know hes been in town every couple of weeks. No calls or emails. I know its a double standard but if they don't keep in touch with me then I find myself not hoping for anything, much less looking forward to doing anything with them.

What keeps people interested? Proximity.

A is probably mad at me as I haven't returned his calls. Not for not wanting to its just that Ive been busy and I happen to forget to call him back.