346 - Can of worms

I was a mad, must have been out of my mind or just had to share. The following are texts and some snippets of conversations to and with D.

- I know you would rather I not have moments. Im trying but it still happens. I figure it might go away on its own but im not sure, if it does then it wont be a problem.

- I dont know why you or why now. Timing sucks I guess. Maybe in another life... Maybe its all me. You have your reasons for not being able to .... I need to find one of my own.

- Classic... Girl meets boy, Girl likes boy. Girl wants the boy that she cant have.

- Kind of makes me think theres something wrong with me and thats why its not happening. Im kind of clueless about those things and if thats the case than a heads up would be nice.

- I don't know why I tell you these things, other than letting you know where I'm at and whats in my head and more importantly not having it all in my head.

- I play just a small part in your life and your'e such a big part of mine. Like... I miss talking and seeing you when its been a while.

He wasn't able to discuss things at the time I sent them which was fine with me as I wanted to get it out without interruptions. Talking face to face would have been a blunder. As long as it got out. He did reply back asking me if I was OK. He knows I get teary and girly when I get in those moods. He does care.

I talked with him the next day about it and he asked if I was OK again. We talked amore about it and I got all teary and girly again. Actually cried about it. Not because I was hurt but because theres so much to say and no words to convey it all.

Youre what every guy dreams of in a girl. Your'e pretty, smart, funny, great to be with, have a great job, live on your own, debt free and independant... I have no doubt you'll meet someone... (more things were said and what stuck was him saying)... 'It just cant be me.'

Meaning the man in my life.. just cant be him. He went on to explain. Not that he didnt want me. It was that he couldn't have me. Because of the situation he is in.

He doesn't want to be the one to hold me back and doesn't want to have a conversation one day a year from now with me telling him that Ive waited for him and have just wasted my time.

We talked about my lack of dating other guys since meeting him and I told him that he satisfied many things that I was looking for in a guy and thats why there was a lack of other guys.

So I told him I agreed with him and didnt want to be a problem/complication. So I would date other guys. He was silent for a moment. He doesn't want me to but he wants me to. Conflict. Welcome to my life.

So SB is in town next week and Ill be seeing him when hes in town and I told D. He sounded surprised and kind of in shock that Im going out with someone else really soon.

I asked 'I thought youd be happy that I was going to go out with someone else'
His reply, 'No, not happy'

In my head I thought, well what is it?!?! You cant have it both ways.

Im still seeing SB. Its not a relationship by any means. Its just what it is.

Another conversation.

Darling - So what about sex? I mean if I have sex with someone else then will you want to have sex with me?

D - Well I hope you dont just pick anyone for the sake of getting it done and over with just to have sex with someone else.

Darling - I hope you know I wont be doing it that way. I mean as far as sex goes...

D - I think that question should be left to you. Will you want to continue with me?

Darling - First Id like to apologize about how this makes me sounds kind of whore-y. Im not planning on picking some guy up just to do the deed. I really really enjoy sex with you. Its great. I mean what kind of respectful girl asks that kind of question. I don't want it to seem like Im sleeping around or will it just came out wrong but... I don't want to stop having sex with you.

D - I think if you were dating someone and eventually it went to that place where you decide to have sex with someone else thats different. Then things between us might change as well. I just want you to be happy.

Darling thinks and doesnt say 'but you make me happy'

D - Just dont make it someone from work. Please.

Darling - I told you I dont do that.

D - Yeah but you might change your mind and then Id have to see the guy at work everyday. Just dont sleep with someone from work

Darling smiles and does a mental happy dance

Darling - Really?

D - Yeah really. I dont want to have to see the guy.

Darling - You dont want to picture me with anyone else? I think you like me... say it.

D - (I can hear the smile behind his words) Read into it what you want to...

Darling mentally sings a song you want me, you want to kiss me, you want to marry me. I think thats how it goes (Miss Congeniality)

Which means he does like me. He must and he does because in another conversation he said 'If I didn't like you I wouldn't talk to you, spend so much time talking to you, going to lunch with you, dinner, drinks and helping you get the job, sleep with you etc etc. If I don't say it its because Im not very forthcoming with compliments and I know thats hard on you and makes the situation a little more difficult.

Darling - Its just nice to hear sometimes. I mean I know actions speak louder than words... but its just nice to hear sometimes and thats why I ask sometimes if you do like me or if you think this or that about me. Because I know you wouldnt just say it.

D - I think it and know it and want to share sone of them with you but I know that it would just make it harder. Being in our situation.

Darling - Your'e right. If you did I think we would be in this situation much earlier than now.

The situation being me being all girly. More than ever. I want what I want I guess and I just wanted to be wanted back.

I cant ask him for more than what he has been able to give me. I appreciate it and love spending time with him. I just wanted to hear him say the things that he wasnt saying.

I cant ask him for more than what he is able to give but I can ask to know what he is thinking and if hes thinking it and can my my day then Id like to hear it. Silly things, simple things like small compliments. I wont go into details for fear of being called certain names but its the little things that I wanted.

How does all that change our situation? It doesnt. It will continue on as is. The only thing that changes is me. Ill be Souping it up more.

But that wont change the fact that I still love him. Im just curious about what else he thinking and not telling me :)

Looking forward to opening the can of worms.