394 - Leave it be?

T. Im in lust. Im not allowed anything but flirting but oh do I want more than that. The flirting is arousing and stimulating. I know he's married, he knows I know and we used to work together a few years ago and we've remained friends throughout my career change.

We recently found ourselves alone and there was plenty of flirting as usual but this time there was something a little physical. He touched me in a sexual way. I also think there were a couple of moments when the hugs lasted a little longer and another time when his lips were drawn to mine.

We didn't end up kissing but i wanted to. But I didn't know if he wanted to or not. So it didn't happen.

Hes told me that if he wasnt married hed be all over me. I told him that if he wasn't married Id be all over him. We laughed but i was a little sad because of it. Im sure it would be dynamite. but Im not willing to make things different. Its nice the way things are. Me questioning myself and keeping myself in check not just for his sake but for mine. So I can be strong in respecting myself and him as well.

I will have to share that I do have fantasies about him and he and I talk about them in general, nothing specific. He's a nice guy who has a great life and I have no intention of changing any of that for him just to satisfy my libido.

Ive entertained thoughts of what it would be like to just make out with him. To kiss and have our tongues stroking against each other. I've thought of keeping up my skills in massage on him... clothed of course. I've also thought of just having him as a cuddle buddy, someone to share the sofa with while watching a movie at home.

I don't think he'd quite take to the ideas above, to be the provider of gratuitous sexual tension minus the sex.. without the guilt. Selfish of me yes I know.

I wonder what he would say if all I wanted to do was to use him so perfect, practice and perform feminine seductions without going through with it. Kind of like... I cant explain it... its in my mind. I can picture how it would play out but I cant explain it. Im sorry. It sounds selfish... but I figure... if he agrees and knows then why not. But Im too chicken to even bring it up.

So maybe this thing with T will be just that. Something that will never be. And that all right :)