151 - not normal
I'm so mad and I want to have sex. I'm so mad. I want to have sex.
Whats wrong with me?
I want to get rid of the anger using sex as the outlet. I want someone that wants to have sex until I have it all worked out of me. I want to get naked. I want to get hot and sweaty.
I dont care right now that it doesnt make sense. I dont care that its not the right,
I want it hard and I want it fast and I want it all over again. I don't want passion or sweetness, I just want to overwhelm whats causing this unease. Until I don't feel like screaming anymore. Until I feel so tired that I cant think. I want to do it until my mind goes blank. Dead inside is the final goal for this whole exercise, that's what it feels like I need. Not to feel this... to replace it with something else. No... going to the gym wont do it, wont help it. This is something entirely different and under the mandatory audience participation category.
I need to do something to take away the feeling I have. I don't want to feel this way anymore. Its not a nice feeling and I want it to go away.
A hug wont do it. A cuddle wont do it. A kind word or compliment wont do it. I need something more. I need something to kill this thing inside me. I want something bigger than what I am feeling. Sex does it for me. I think, Ill question this later and psychoanalyze myself at some point.
Where did it come from. Out of the blue. Unaware. I want to cry. I am now. That will calm me down for the moment. It wont fix it. Calm it, that's it. It will come raging out of control later. Ill have to make sure I do something about it
Damn, I dont want to be out in public, someone throw me in a dark room along without any men in sight. I cant guarrantee their virtue will be safe...
Whats wrong with me.
I'm sure I'm screwed up in a way that needs me to be sitting on someones couch, paying them something silly to try and figure out how I got to be the way that I am.
Maybe.
So much for being normal.
Whats wrong with me?
I want to get rid of the anger using sex as the outlet. I want someone that wants to have sex until I have it all worked out of me. I want to get naked. I want to get hot and sweaty.
I dont care right now that it doesnt make sense. I dont care that its not the right,
I want it hard and I want it fast and I want it all over again. I don't want passion or sweetness, I just want to overwhelm whats causing this unease. Until I don't feel like screaming anymore. Until I feel so tired that I cant think. I want to do it until my mind goes blank. Dead inside is the final goal for this whole exercise, that's what it feels like I need. Not to feel this... to replace it with something else. No... going to the gym wont do it, wont help it. This is something entirely different and under the mandatory audience participation category.
I need to do something to take away the feeling I have. I don't want to feel this way anymore. Its not a nice feeling and I want it to go away.
A hug wont do it. A cuddle wont do it. A kind word or compliment wont do it. I need something more. I need something to kill this thing inside me. I want something bigger than what I am feeling. Sex does it for me. I think, Ill question this later and psychoanalyze myself at some point.
Where did it come from. Out of the blue. Unaware. I want to cry. I am now. That will calm me down for the moment. It wont fix it. Calm it, that's it. It will come raging out of control later. Ill have to make sure I do something about it
Damn, I dont want to be out in public, someone throw me in a dark room along without any men in sight. I cant guarrantee their virtue will be safe...
Whats wrong with me.
I'm sure I'm screwed up in a way that needs me to be sitting on someones couch, paying them something silly to try and figure out how I got to be the way that I am.
Maybe.
So much for being normal.
posted by darling @ 8:52 AM
10 Comments:
At March 02, 2007 10:39 AM,
Paul Corsetti (416)455-5515 said…
What's got you so bugged darling?
At March 02, 2007 12:53 PM,
darling said…
Hi Paul,
A little bit of everything but then again it could just be me. Im not so sure anymore.
Just feel like crawling out of my skin...
At March 02, 2007 2:13 PM,
Frank said…
I read a book that described a similiar sentiment. It's called "Emergency Sex".
You have a different for it (you're not a relief worker in a war zone) but it seems like a similiar sentiment.
Anyway, I hope all is well for you.
Love & laughter,
Frank
At March 02, 2007 11:04 PM,
Liza said…
Hi Darling;
I won't charge you for armchair psychology, but I'll let you buy the first round someday.
I'm pretty sure you're quite normal. The only abnormal thing I can think of is how articulate you are about it, and that's only in terms of honesty, not content.
Being angry or in pain (emotionally or physically) or otherwise under tons of pressure means that sooner or later you are going to want release. Not only is that normal, it's probably even biological. Flight, fight, feed, fast, or fornicate (though there's a better word for that).
There's even scientific evidence out there that the female orgasm is a more potent pain killer than morphine (and waaaaaay more addictive, I would say). It's probably wired to the same pleasure center that finds satisfaction in swearing. Apparently there's nothing like a good fuck physically or metaphoricallly. ;)
To me, there's nothing wrong with being honest with yourself and your motivations. Just be careful about being destructive with it, ok? You have a ton of people who care about you, though that won't fill the need you describe.
If you don't trust yourself around enticing anonymous strangers (cue Heart singing "All I want to do is make love to you...") then there's that dream world you so vividly describe for your readers.
Be well and stay warm,
^_^ Liza
At March 03, 2007 8:43 AM,
afrobev said…
I think everyone feels a bit out of control now and again. It's all part of a being a human being. To have that inner rage inside you like a caged animal dying to get out.
Perhaps you're trying too hard to please people all the time? or you are just finding life a bit too much like hard work? or maybe you just have a massive sexual appetite :)
Whatever it is I hope you have sex soon and work whatever it is out of your system.
...And don't worry Darling. Sometimes however hard you try life just doesn't make much sense x
At March 03, 2007 11:43 AM,
Brewster said…
Hang in there. I am sorry to hear you are going through some rough times. I am not even going to bore anyone with my current problems. We are here if you need to talk. Take care of you.
At March 03, 2007 9:37 PM,
George said…
I left a message yesterday but I guess blogspot ate it on me. Take care of yourself, be careful and have fun.
At March 04, 2007 8:48 PM,
Frank Nemecek said…
Darn that Liza - alway chirping in with insightful, well-founded observations about human psychology. What crackpot university did she get her degree from?
Oh, wait...
Never mind.
(Love you, Liza ^_^)
Love & laughter,
Frank
At March 04, 2007 10:07 PM,
Liza said…
Uh-huh...sure Frank...sure you love me....riiiiiiiiight...I'll be heading over to your blogger page to lend my analysis to your postings next (be afraid, be very afraid...).
Anyway, Darling, clearly graduating from the same university and hoping that you are feeling better are just two of the things Frank and I have in common.
Hang in there!
^_^ Liza
At March 05, 2007 7:46 AM,
darling said…
Hi Frank,
I havent read that... maybe I should add it to my book list.
Thanks..
Hello Liza,
First round it is!
Well something else that I find strange, is how open I am with things. I need a censor button.
I think I know which I choose out of that list...
Always careful...
Thanks..
Hey Brewster,
Hope things get settled. Never boring...
This too shall pass..
Thanks..
Hi George,
Blogger must have been hungry :) Careful but fun.
Thanks..
Frank and Liza,
Thanks for making me smile this morning.
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