384 - winding down

Things are winding down with D. Its a slow process to let go but when it happens it happens, Im trying to figure out how I can keep things going but its just not the same without giving it my all.

Ive realized that ive put myself into it and taking myself out is difficult. Which parts to let go and which to leave.

I cant have the best of both worlds because its not fair, to me. He cant put his all so why will I continue to? Is love fair? What is fair?

He says he loves me but cant do anything more than he has. I love him but cant continue to do as I have without him moving forward with me.

I think thats it. I cant continue this knowing that weve reached our glass ceiling. We can continue but it wont go anywhere. Or he can decide to break the glass and we can continue. He wont break that barrier by the way, its just not possible. Well it is but hes not willing to take the risks.

I want someone who wants me back.

I want someone who wants to make me happy, I also want to make that person happy. I want to be able to do things that person likes because he likes it and I want to see the pleasure I bring him.

Ive decided that it might be a while before I date anyone. People would call what I do dating but I dont. I go out with guys and its not the same thing. I might even go as far as saying that I think ill be single for while (long time turning to forever)

I dont know what the word is for what I am but I feel like either I wont ever be enough for someone. Or that Ill be too demanding for someone to want to stay with me.

What is it called when you ask someone for something because it would be/feel nice and they say no because its something they just dont do. I was saddenned by the refusal but kept on going. When does it become an issue when they bring up things that youve asked for that they dont/wont do because its just something they dont do.... but know that it will make you happy?

Its not as if the things Ive mentioned or talked to him about are horrendous things. I dont even want to mention them for they are so simple that Im sure most of you wouldnt even balk at if it was mentioned by someone you were seeing.

Im sad. This is going to end.

Why is it that when ending something with someone it always feels like theres no one else that will fall for you. Like I think hes the only one that thinks im pretty, or nice or anything to the like. Like hes the only one that would fall for someone like me.

Ill find that confidence I once had and go to town with it.