353 - denied

Went out for dinner with someone I work with. Last minute idea of mine. I didn't feel like dining alone and my sister had cancelled on me. One of my girlfriends doesn't know how to use her cell phone which shes had for about a year. So I decided to call C to celebrate his birthday. It was July 4th so I'm a bit late but that's OK. I was able to kill two birds with one stone tonight.

Not be alone for dinner and take him out for dinner. Though I think he thought it was a date. It was not a date. Not to me anyway.

I wore a nice dress a litter cleavage showing but I had my hair down to cover it up so it wasn't all out there on display.

He made a few comments about dating and giving it time before falling in love and fooling around when I straight out said that I didn't date anyone that I work with. I laughed and hope he knows I'm serious.

Apparently not as he asked me to come up to his place afterwards. I declined. I don't want to go there and blur the lines that Ive drawn for myself. Friends only C, friend only.

I went out with AR last night which was fun. Late night drinks at a pool hall but we didn't play pool. Just drank and talked and had a grand time. Its getting to the point where its time to decide which direction this is all going. to the direction of a bedroom or to the friendship circle.

Its a little more complicated than I'm sharing but I cant go into details at the moment that would just give it all away. So Ill leave it to you to mull over.

We've planned on going for lunch this Friday.

Oh and seeing as dinner tonight was last minute. D was taken by surprise. He had planned on meeting up with me after he was done work so we could grab a bite to eat but I didn't know that was what he had planned.

I spoke to him as I was waiting outside the restaurant while C talked to the owner who was also his friend.

Darling - Where are you?

D - Grabbing a bite to eat. I thought we were going to go out tonight.

Darling - Sorry about that I didn't know.

D - Did you now get my text messages about it?

Darling - The only one I got regarding food or eating was 'I'm hungry'

D - Yeah that its.

Darling - Just so you know I don't consider that asking to go out after work.

D - Well I wanted to go out with you tonight.

Darling - How was I to figure that out from that message? That wasn't asking me out.

In my head I wanted to be with him tonight. I like being with him. Its always a good time. In my head I was a little hurt that he didn't ask me. In my heart I knew that I was looking for something that I wouldn't find. With D.

So I'm going out. Making plans. Doing things. I don't always tell D ahead of time like dinner tonight. He only found out minutes before I went into the restaurant and I didn't pick up my phone when it vibrated in my purse.

D and I did have sex :) That was on the menu for lunch today. I wanted him to stay a little longer afterwards but it wasn't a good time so I felt a bit rejected even though he was very attentive to me pleasure wise.

I guess I want it all. Ive told him things that I needed and hes been very good at working on it but I'm just not sure Ill ever get what I want. I doubt it which brings me to this point.

How long am I willing to continue being denied what it is I want and am looking for.