what I think of when...

I had a crush on a boy once and he was someone that I never had a romantic or sexual relationship with. Much as I loath to admit that. My mind thought up all sorts of scenarios so I was ready if anything were to happen! We were friends. I was one of the guys and any one of those guys wouldn't have had any sort of romantic or sexual relationship with me for fear of being castrated by the rest.

I was too valuable to them to possibly have anything go wrong. I was off limits. This one boy made my stomach clench. Made me press my knees together and made my thoughts run to the mussed sheets area of the mind.

This song reminds me of him leaving. I wasn't asking for a lot. Just. Stay.

I found out sometime later, that he knew I was interested in him as more than friends. I wondered why nothing ever happened. I still wonder that. But its not something that I would ever change. I think it taught me how to appreciate the "want" in a relationship, how fueling desire makes for intense orgasms. It taught me how relationships work and how I handle the dance of flirting.

Somethings are not meant to happen and yet lessons are meant to be learned.


"Stay" by Lisa Loeb

you say I only hear what I want to.
you say I talk so all the time so.

and I thought what I felt was simple,
and I thought that I don't belong,
and now that I am leaving,
now I know that I did something wrong 'cause I missed you.
yeah, I missed you.

and you say I only hear what I want to:
I don't listen hard,
I don't pay attention to the distance that you're running
or to anyone, anywhere,
I don't understand if you really care,
I'm only hearing negative: no, no, no.

so I turned the radio on, I turned the radio up,
and this woman was singing my song:
the lover's in love, and the other's run away,
the lover is crying 'cause the other won't stay.

some of us hover when we weep for the other who was
dying since the day they were born.
well, this is not that:
I think that I'm throwing, but I'm thrown.

and I thought I'd live forever, but now I'm not so sure.
you try to tell me that I'm clever,
but that won't take me anyhow, or anywhere with you.

you said that I was naive,
and I thought that I was strong.
I thought, "hey, I can leave, I can leave."
but now I know that I was wrong, 'cause I missed you.

you said, "You caught me 'cause you want me and one day you'll let me go."
"you try to give away a keeper, or keep me 'cause you know you're just scared to lose.
and you say, "stay."

you say I only hear what I want to.

My lesson. Sometimes not having a relationship with someone is the best thing that can happen. Even if it doesn't seem like it at the moment. I mean... now my imagine cant ever be challenged when it comes time to how he and I are together... dynamite!

... but.. our paths may still cross... I might find out just how things would be...