129 - Eve
I went to a Candle Light Service with family to a place of worship that I had never been to. I was hesitant n going due to the fact that I havent been a regular to any place of worship safe the place in my mind.
I initially said no to the invitation to go. Then I thought of the season. That being with family and those who are close is what it is about. Maybe I felt like being alone and away from everyone. BUT due to the time I thought Id put my wants on hold. I had to make an appearance at least. I cant go without seeing them. I called them up and said that I would meet them for the service.
I had no idea what to expect. But I had to spend time with the people taht I care about. After stepping out of the cab I looked through the doors and felt like I didnt belong. I wasnt meant to be there. I had had many thoughts that arent good or positive. I was in the wrong place. I shouldnt have come.
Would lightning strike me as I step a foot inside sacred ground? Would guardian angels bearing swords of light come at me as I walk into the building? Would my skin burn and fall off my body as I make the sign of the cross with holy water on my fingers?
I thought when walking in the building that I was tricked. That I was brought into a place that I had been to in the past and that I would have to suffer through long sermons that dont seem to relate to me. The layout was the same as this one place I went to. I was hesitant.
Yet as I walked and followed my family. I was silently hoping that they wouldnt pick seats close t o the front. They did. second row, right in front of the pulpit. Yippee. What luck. As I followed them to the wonderful seats they found. I couldnt help but notice that everyone was in high spirits. Everyone was happy and smiling and in a good mood. Im a product of my environment which being surrounded by all these happy people. Made me smile the biggest smile that graced my face in the passed couple of weeks.
I couldnt help it. It came out of nowhere. I looked to the people comfortably seated and shared this smile and amazingly, they returned it. It was nice. It wasnt so bad sitting front and center. It was nice. I got to see everything. No tall hairy man sitting in front of me blocking my view. I didnt need that kind of coverage at this service.
They worshiped through song mostly. It was very nice. Voices that were beautiful brought tears to my eyes. However I felt panicked around the middle of the service due to my feeling of being in the wrong place and not being welcome if they knew me.
All these people see someone well dressed with a smile on her face. What they dont know is who I am. How can I sit here among these people when I live the life that I do, when I have thoughts that run rampant. That run on the other side of good, right and proper.
I thikn I wanted to weep. My eyes watered and I wanted to tell everyone the real me. What I do and why I do Then they can tell me to go. I felt like a traitor. Like I had no right to be there, yet there I was. Front and center. With the pastor looking right at me with warm eyes and a warm smile.
I enjoyed the music. I enjoyed the purity of the voices that rang loud and proud. I sang songs of praise. I sang to keep my mind from telling my body to make a break for it.
I stayed through the whole service. I didnt bolt. I didnt spill the beans about my life. I thought hard and deep about the meaning of my life and what it means that I lead my life the way I do. I didnt come up with any concrete answers. Not even close.
I just know that no matter what I do. I choose to do it. Should there be a consequence attached to my decision, so be it. I also know that I will be forgiven if I ask for it. I know that as long as I do good in life. For myself and most of all for others, that I have done well. Should I not be rewarded in this life. I will be in my next or if there is no other life for me. That I may enjoy what I do have.
Im glad I decided to go. It was worth it. We went home to hot cocoa and cheese and crackers and other yummy goodness. We talked, laughed, shared and showed that we still love each other even if it is rare that we get together.
Hope you all had a great Christmas Eve. No signs of snow here in Ottawa.
Merry Chirstmas and to all a good night!
I initially said no to the invitation to go. Then I thought of the season. That being with family and those who are close is what it is about. Maybe I felt like being alone and away from everyone. BUT due to the time I thought Id put my wants on hold. I had to make an appearance at least. I cant go without seeing them. I called them up and said that I would meet them for the service.
I had no idea what to expect. But I had to spend time with the people taht I care about. After stepping out of the cab I looked through the doors and felt like I didnt belong. I wasnt meant to be there. I had had many thoughts that arent good or positive. I was in the wrong place. I shouldnt have come.
Would lightning strike me as I step a foot inside sacred ground? Would guardian angels bearing swords of light come at me as I walk into the building? Would my skin burn and fall off my body as I make the sign of the cross with holy water on my fingers?
I thought when walking in the building that I was tricked. That I was brought into a place that I had been to in the past and that I would have to suffer through long sermons that dont seem to relate to me. The layout was the same as this one place I went to. I was hesitant.
Yet as I walked and followed my family. I was silently hoping that they wouldnt pick seats close t o the front. They did. second row, right in front of the pulpit. Yippee. What luck. As I followed them to the wonderful seats they found. I couldnt help but notice that everyone was in high spirits. Everyone was happy and smiling and in a good mood. Im a product of my environment which being surrounded by all these happy people. Made me smile the biggest smile that graced my face in the passed couple of weeks.
I couldnt help it. It came out of nowhere. I looked to the people comfortably seated and shared this smile and amazingly, they returned it. It was nice. It wasnt so bad sitting front and center. It was nice. I got to see everything. No tall hairy man sitting in front of me blocking my view. I didnt need that kind of coverage at this service.
They worshiped through song mostly. It was very nice. Voices that were beautiful brought tears to my eyes. However I felt panicked around the middle of the service due to my feeling of being in the wrong place and not being welcome if they knew me.
All these people see someone well dressed with a smile on her face. What they dont know is who I am. How can I sit here among these people when I live the life that I do, when I have thoughts that run rampant. That run on the other side of good, right and proper.
I thikn I wanted to weep. My eyes watered and I wanted to tell everyone the real me. What I do and why I do Then they can tell me to go. I felt like a traitor. Like I had no right to be there, yet there I was. Front and center. With the pastor looking right at me with warm eyes and a warm smile.
I enjoyed the music. I enjoyed the purity of the voices that rang loud and proud. I sang songs of praise. I sang to keep my mind from telling my body to make a break for it.
I stayed through the whole service. I didnt bolt. I didnt spill the beans about my life. I thought hard and deep about the meaning of my life and what it means that I lead my life the way I do. I didnt come up with any concrete answers. Not even close.
I just know that no matter what I do. I choose to do it. Should there be a consequence attached to my decision, so be it. I also know that I will be forgiven if I ask for it. I know that as long as I do good in life. For myself and most of all for others, that I have done well. Should I not be rewarded in this life. I will be in my next or if there is no other life for me. That I may enjoy what I do have.
Im glad I decided to go. It was worth it. We went home to hot cocoa and cheese and crackers and other yummy goodness. We talked, laughed, shared and showed that we still love each other even if it is rare that we get together.
Hope you all had a great Christmas Eve. No signs of snow here in Ottawa.
Merry Chirstmas and to all a good night!
posted by darling @ 1:30 AM
3 Comments:
At December 25, 2006 12:19 PM,
George said…
It can be a profound experience can it not? I have not worshipped in a church for most of my life ... for many reasons. I believe there is something greater and grander out there than life itself, but I don't know what that it ... I am an agnostic. Does that make me any less better? No, I don't think so. Like you, Darling, my worship has always been done in my head ... in bed, in a quiet forest, cycling along a secluded trail.
I am glad your evening touched you in such a positive way.
Be well Darling.
At December 29, 2006 7:58 AM,
darling said…
It was a great evening :)
Thank you
At January 15, 2007 10:43 PM,
Liza said…
Dearest Darling;
My husband and I are in what my church laughingly calls a "disparity of cult." Cracks me up to say it. I was raised Roman Catholic and he wasn't really brought up in any religion at all. I still attend mass on occasion and sing for my archdiocese (a larger collection of churches, sort of like a district).
I say all this to assure you that if you had been sitting next to me in a pew and I knew who you were or what you were thinking or how you chose to spend your life or your love, I could no more condemn you than damn myself.
The fact that you went there to be with family, the fact that you were even concerned that you might upset someone makes you more spiritual and pure than many people who were there, I am sure. There is nothing to apologize for. You are so careful not to take anything for granted, to harm no one and to better yourself, that if anyone wanted to judge you they had better be prepared for their own reckoning.
Stay warm and be well!
^_^ Liza
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