122 - lapse
Stolen moments at work :)
Theres something to be said about sharing a bed, sharing the duvet and sharing body heat. A small part of me, the part that knows that I dont have someone permanent to share this with nightly... that small part enjoys it when it happens. I cherish and enjoy it. When theres a weight on the other side of the bed, that slight dip, the source of heat and an arm that wraps around me.
The other part of me, the independant selfish part of me doesnt know what to do sometimes. Its because its been something that isnt a part of my daily life, thus not a great big concern. If its so important that I have that touch, is it so hard to find? No... I dont think it is. For me anyway. Sometimes the heat is to much, sometimes the weight immobilizes me and the air around me gets thick.
Like the weather you always want it a little cooler or you hope for a cool breeze to cool you off on a blistering hot day. Then you hope for some warmth, some sunlight to warm you on those cold days. Am I doomed to always want what I dont have?
Even if its temporary, the times that I do want that closeness... and somehow it happens. It allows the feeling of want or need for it to be appeased. For now, not forever. I havent thought of the cycle if any exists for me. Just that it might happen... that I have a cycle? Im sure I do.
Im not sure what it is. I think its just the fact that Im selfish. Hey im being honest. I want to be the one to pick and choose what happens in my life... if only thats how it worked lol. To an extent I am sure thats how it works. Its just sometimes. How do you want something you dont even know you want. OR you want a part of it but not the whole thing? What if the idea of everything scares me and I dont know what to do. Is it all or nothing? Or am I the only one that is selfish and wants things on my terms?
Theres nothing wrong with my terms.. my terms always work out for me. Its when theres another person to think of that makes things complicated. Saying that... is it really worth it to have a partner. To have these complications with? Is it worth the heartache and frustrations?Is the happiness you feel with this person the reason you cannot be alone?
Im just being a single minded, single person at the moment. Why? because I ask too many questions and when I cant answer them all... I have to ask other people. I dont want it to seem like Im anti relationships. Im just anti screwing up. Theres enough going around that I am sure that the my name is on a few of them.
I dont mind it at all... most times. Im just scared.. and heres the nitty gritty part of this post. Im scared that the wants are different and that Ill inevitably be a want for someone whose need is overwhelming. How do you give something you dont even know you have.
How will I deal with it? When it happens? What do I do, How do I do it. What do I say? How do I say it. The things I think of.
Maybe theres something wrong with me, that I dont want that. Maybe Thats just how I am, maybe ill never want it?? (frown) I dont know.
Im sure I do. I have to. Dont I?
Maybe this is just a momentary lapse of sanity. Highly possible.
Theres something to be said about sharing a bed, sharing the duvet and sharing body heat. A small part of me, the part that knows that I dont have someone permanent to share this with nightly... that small part enjoys it when it happens. I cherish and enjoy it. When theres a weight on the other side of the bed, that slight dip, the source of heat and an arm that wraps around me.
The other part of me, the independant selfish part of me doesnt know what to do sometimes. Its because its been something that isnt a part of my daily life, thus not a great big concern. If its so important that I have that touch, is it so hard to find? No... I dont think it is. For me anyway. Sometimes the heat is to much, sometimes the weight immobilizes me and the air around me gets thick.
Like the weather you always want it a little cooler or you hope for a cool breeze to cool you off on a blistering hot day. Then you hope for some warmth, some sunlight to warm you on those cold days. Am I doomed to always want what I dont have?
Even if its temporary, the times that I do want that closeness... and somehow it happens. It allows the feeling of want or need for it to be appeased. For now, not forever. I havent thought of the cycle if any exists for me. Just that it might happen... that I have a cycle? Im sure I do.
Im not sure what it is. I think its just the fact that Im selfish. Hey im being honest. I want to be the one to pick and choose what happens in my life... if only thats how it worked lol. To an extent I am sure thats how it works. Its just sometimes. How do you want something you dont even know you want. OR you want a part of it but not the whole thing? What if the idea of everything scares me and I dont know what to do. Is it all or nothing? Or am I the only one that is selfish and wants things on my terms?
Theres nothing wrong with my terms.. my terms always work out for me. Its when theres another person to think of that makes things complicated. Saying that... is it really worth it to have a partner. To have these complications with? Is it worth the heartache and frustrations?Is the happiness you feel with this person the reason you cannot be alone?
Im just being a single minded, single person at the moment. Why? because I ask too many questions and when I cant answer them all... I have to ask other people. I dont want it to seem like Im anti relationships. Im just anti screwing up. Theres enough going around that I am sure that the my name is on a few of them.
I dont mind it at all... most times. Im just scared.. and heres the nitty gritty part of this post. Im scared that the wants are different and that Ill inevitably be a want for someone whose need is overwhelming. How do you give something you dont even know you have.
How will I deal with it? When it happens? What do I do, How do I do it. What do I say? How do I say it. The things I think of.
Maybe theres something wrong with me, that I dont want that. Maybe Thats just how I am, maybe ill never want it?? (frown) I dont know.
Im sure I do. I have to. Dont I?
Maybe this is just a momentary lapse of sanity. Highly possible.
posted by darling @ 8:07 AM
2 Comments:
At December 11, 2006 7:28 PM,
George said…
It is a terrible feeling to want something that you know you will enjoy only to let your independence get in the way. That independence may end up hurting 2 people. I believe that you'll know it's the thing to do when it happens. How will you handle it? Very easily and naturally, because you'll know it's right.
I think it's a good thing to have a partner as long as there is genuine love and friendship. The times when you really need somebody ... he/she will be there ... it's something you can count on ... solid and unmoving. For every time he puts his arms around you, every kiss, every time you are intimate ... you'll realize that it's worth the small complications you may be presented with.
At December 12, 2006 4:05 AM,
Anonymous said…
To everything there is a season. A time to share the things we have with someone else and a time when we need to be alone with our own space and privacy.
Both time make the life worth to live and both are needed. So Darling you are not a selfish person when you feel the need to be alone and do things on your own. What you really need is not just a partner who can offer you affection, but a partner who also can truly understand you. To love you in the right way.
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