121 - responsibility calls...

I know I havent been on in a while. Its hard to find things to post when your life is upside down. Thats what it feels like anyway. Ive had a lot of things on my mind lately and I am trying to concentrate on one part of my life that desperately needs attention.

Im in a pickle and really dont know which direction to turn. Its winter now, the weather has turned cold. The wind bites and the sun is a friendly passer by that doesnt visit as often. Dressing accordingly is not something to be taken lightly. Delicate fingers, toes and dainty ears need protection.

Its also time for good spirits and a time to spread good cheer. Holidays. Christmas and New Years. People have thier minds already elsewhere, families coming together, out of towners coming by, traveling and more. I have all those things to think of. Holiday cheer is surrounding me.

My twist is this. I need a place to stay, due to irreconcilable differences between kryptonite and myself, I. Need. To. Move. This you can understand puts the holidays spirit to the backburner. It feels like the gifts I have planned might not be bought, wrapped or gift bagged. The ideas I have for decorations will never materialize (here that is). The people I thought I would be spending it with wont be around the table to break bread with.

I know everyone has their issues when it comes to holidays. Some people are alone, either have no one or arent able to be with their loved ones do to distance and other circumstances. Some dont have the means to lavish their love ones with things they want. They just choose their isolation to others during this time. Everyone has reasons for where they are in life.

My reason for being where I am at this time. Im not quite clear on it. I know my emotions are mixed. Im part happy that this is happening, part terrified that it is happening then you add the timing the season and reasons. I also feel alone, unloved and unimportant which reminds me that I am strong, independent, healthy and adaptive.

I tell myself its for the best and that things happen for a reason. I dont understand the why BUt I need to know that it is for the best. This needs to happen for my life to move forward. It needs to come to pass so that things that are out of my control will become.

I have my summer clothes packed. I need to plan for a truck of some sort to move my things. I still have to pick up more boxes for clothes and need to just list the things that I am bringing. I do want to go. Its for the best. No longer will I have to follow this and that and do things that only benefits this person.

My life needs to move forward and this is just another step I need to take. Though my steps falter. I am excited about it. I am excited to be moving along with my life. I dont know what will happen in my future. I trust that the good I do in life will help me along when I am in need. I trust that things will happen that are for me to learn from and though they might bring me down for a bit I will always succeed.

Ive cried myself to sleep once and it happened a couple of nights ago. No rhyme or reason for it. I think my body was just running on high for the past little while that it just needed to happen. I woke up with puffy eyes but it looked good. (Go figure)

Im feeling somewhat anti-social and I dont know whether I like it or not. I like the fact that I am in my own mind. That I dont have to be around people that dont share my blahs. Maybe its because I cant share in their good cheer. In their good moods and good stories. It is a season to be cheery and merry. I am just quiet. More and more things irritate me. I dont snap at anyone I just dont participate in things like I used to.

Do they notice? No. Though I am feeling down and dont feel my usually bubbly self. I dont let it get to the point where people will be asking me whats wrong and whats on my mind that is getting me down. Im not used to the one needing help. Yes I know Everyone gets that hand sometimes. Not me...until now.

I dont even know what kind I need. I have been used to doing it on my own going at it on my own that this is somewhat new territory. I cant wait until the last minute. I have to do things now. I dont like to rush, I would hate to make the wrong decision. In the end Ill be ok. Unless tings just go downhill from here. I look at every scenario and think the best and worse.

Im hoping for the best outcome out of all this. My things will be packed and I will have gotten rid of a lot of things in the move. I will have a new start, a fresh start where I am the Queen of the Castle (smile) Im looking forward to this journey though I am scared at the same time.

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! May all your wishes come true and may your loved ones hold you tight in the warmest of hugs.

I may be ghostlike again around here. Ill still wonder what is happening in your lives because right now its more stable than mine :) and hope that Ill find some time to peek in on you while I wrestle against things. Responsibility calls...

Now to find a place to live. Oh did I mention this is all happening at the end of this month? The countdown begins.

Wish me luck!!

PS. If my next few posts sounds negative and just plain yucky. Im ok.. just letting out steam. Forgive me the next few posts. Ill try to throw in some good cheer now and again.