123 - update on thoughts

Thoughts on whats been happening lately.

Im in the process of looking for a place to live. During the holidays and at the start on winter. Though thanks to small blessings it hasnt felt like real Canadian winter. The weekend that came and went was very mild. It even melted the ice and snow off of the driveway. I hope the weather lasts until I move everything.

So back to my search, I am looking online and looking in the paper and have my friends spreading the word that I am looking for a place. Either temporary as in short term lease? OR possibly purchasing a condo or a singly family home or in my case. A single womans home LOL

Im freaking out a bit because time is ticking and I feel like im not putting myself out there enough, that I am not looking hard enough, that Im not making enough of an effort into finding a place to live.

Im freaking out the most, over the fact that it seems like a rushed decision that I need to make. I dont like to make big decisions like this feeling rushed and on a timeline. Its almost mid Dec and I have 75% of my things packed. I have the dressers, bookshelves, tables et al earmarked to go and I have no truck booked yet but Ill make sure to have that soon.

Im sad at what is happening but I know it has to be. My brother tells me not to go. I told him its for the best. He didnt say anything to that. My sister thinks its time and that things will be 100% better when I do. Me? What do I think? I think Im happy and sad at what is happening.

Every night I look at the list that Ive made for this move. I havent been able to cross anything off today. I think Im in denial. I dont have to move and waste my time looking for a place. Its all a big joke and Its just a ploy to get me to trim down my belongings. A reason to remind me that I dont need half the things that I look at everyday. But it is real. Damn.

Then I think 'my this is feeling really real'. It feels like the end of something that I cant cut the ties off clean and clear. I think there will always be lingering ... things/emotions/issues. I tell myself that I dont care. That I dont want to think of this situation and the time I have spent here in this place. That the memories can be replaced with what my mind decides the good memories will be.

I feel vulnerable and very childlike. Going out into the big bad world. Thats what it feels like. Like im a child waiting at the edge of the curb waiting to step into the hustle and bustle of the crowd. As much as I know as much as I have done in my life. It doesnt feel like its enough to prepare me for whats out there.

It always seems this way. Always seems like its not achievable, like theres a dark cloud just waiting for me when I step into that street. Its not. I know this. This isnt the first time that I have felt this ... fear. Its been before me and Ive overcome it. Its just a mirage, an illusion. A figment of my imagination.

I know this. I also see through it when my mind moves through the darkness. I see me in a place that Ive chosen to live. A place where things are light, bright and happy. Where I am free to do what I want to do. I see my life being open to possibilities, free.

Things seem bad but I am probably making it seem worse than they are. Ill be ok... really.. its just out of my mind and through my fingers and into the posts.

Be good, be well and smile! :)