66 - next level

I was working on the list of songs that I enjoyed and I was thinking of a ong on the list and couldnt think of the artist or title. I knew who would know it, the person who introduced me to the song.

The last time I had spoken to him was a few months back. We had dinner at a Thai restaurant I enjoyed. I didnt feel anything awkward of negative with deciding to phone him, so I dialed. *He didnt recognize my voice. I laughed and I could hear the shocked silence. When I stopped I didnt say anything and he said he was sorry, for everything. I guess he figured out who I was.

I wasnt expecting that at all, his apology, it made my eyes water slightly. For what was he was apologizing for exactly..? 'everything' I heard. I asked him how he was doing and he filled me in on his days and what else he has been involved in. He also gave me an update on the changes that he has made in his life for the better. He thanked me, told me he thinks of me often and understands why I did what I did. How even in the end I was good to him. How throughout our time together I didnt give up, I stayed and kept on staying strong. Even delayed as it was, its nice to be validated for the things that I did. Its good to feel appreciated. It was no longer needed.. but its still nice.

We talked for a while and he took a deep breath and said that he was engaged. I said I hope that it all works out and congratulations. He got mad at me for a moment and asked me why I have to be so perfect** I asked him how else would he like me to be. (I have my moments of greatness) He sighed and said 'no other way'.

I finally asked him what I called him for, finding out the artist and title. I was comfortable aside from the eyes watering. I still care about him, I am not in love with him nor do I think I ever was in the way thats needed to a share in a lifelong commitment. He has taught me a lot through the situations I had to deal with and I am thankful for that.

I wanted to see him and catch up in person so I mentioned dinner which he jumped all over and mentioned a date and time for the next week. He sounded so excited. It made me smile. We ended it on that note.

I sat with the phone in my hands after and thought that I might just be the last girlfriend. I mean the last girlfriend a man has before they meet their intended. Im like a video game. You have reached the Darling level The next level is where you will meet... Your Intended.

This is the second person I have been with who has gotten engaged after going out with me. I guess its better than the last girlfriend before they switched teams lol Hmm I am still young and that still could happen.

Im not saying this to toot my horn or to praise my good self. But I did a lot of work with those two guys. There was a lot of personal growth that I helped them with. A lot of boosting up and nurturing and teaching. It was great to see the changes that they allowed to happen, frustrating at the lack of change in other areas.

I remember thinking with the first one. Lucky lady. Shes got a better man because of me. How selfish was that to say?! He is a great person of course. Theres so much maturing in a relationship that even negatively it helps a person grow and learn about themselves.

This time I thought if I am 'this girl' then I must be doing some sort of service for the women they will eventually be with. I break them in, I dont screw them up and give them complexes. I felt like a stepping stone. A step to the next level. Maybe I am not meant to be a next level kind of girl. Who knows?

He asked if we could have sex. I said hell no. I knew he was joking, I rolled my eyes. He said hed try to kiss me at the end of the date. I reminded him that people who are engaged dont have sex or kiss other people. He said we'll see. Hes not a cad. He wont. He just tries to get a reaction. I think if I told him I was going to kiss him hed run :) (I wont)

Im not planning on coupling with him at any point in my life. I just want a hug. He has these broad shoulders that are perfect for hugs. Maye I will indulge in a hug or three. (Not more)

*Im not sure how I feel about him not knowing who I was right off the bat. I thought about it for a bit and then smiled at my reaction. Its fine. Im sure if he had phoned me, I might not have recognize his voice either. Its just not familiar anymore I guess.

** Be so perfect! If only he knew me now. Im not the same person he once knew. I dont think we ever stay the same. Even when we want to, such is life. We all have our moments of perfection. I thought to myself that Im pleased that hes found someone to share his life with. I knew deep down that it wasnt going to be me, so was I jealous? No, How can I be jealous when he isnt for me.

*** I was thinking that if it werent for me he wouldnt be where he is. Thats a bit selfish to say. Would I take him back now that hes made all these changes for the better? No, I am happy for him but we just arent right for each other. I feel like a stepping stone. Kind of like standing there at a train station, fixing a mans tie, straightening it out and patting him on the shoulder and saying... 'off you go, the next one will come shortly' There I stay on the platform, waiting for the next man who needs a tie straightened.

**** He even said it out loud. He was selfish during our relationship. He took me apart and left me to put it all together. Which I did, because who doesnt want to be whole. It was a learning experience for me. I did a lot of learning during the relationship and more after as well, he did his learning after.

Im whole. Im ok and I just move forward.