362 A - losing it

I lost it on D. Like any woman would lose it. Brought up all sorts of things and apologized and cried and wanted and needed. All for what? To get it out. To let it out. Will it change anything? Probably how he sees me. Other than that. Ive accepted the fact that ties might be cut. I'm not sure. We shall see.

Now I'm just like all the other women out there. Crazy and irrational. Damn. I thought I was better than that. What do you know. I'm not. I'm beating myself up over it and I know I shouldn't but I am. Its all part of the process for me to let it go and forget about it. Soon after I find the eject button for all this nonsense, Ill be back to myself

I need to have sex. My outlet. Just lose myself in some anonymous physical release. Take me to a cloud of bliss. Orgasms. Anonymity. Sex. Sweat. I just want to forget.

I'm so screwed up. I don't know who would put up with me. Could put up with me. I think Ill be single forever because I don't want people to have to 'deal' with me. I'm too much to handle. The intensity of my feelings are just too much.

Sometimes I think that I don't want to put people in that situation where they have to deal with the intense me. Because its too much. How can one person handle it. I don't know. Maybe that's my way of saying I don't want to handle anyone else's intensities, issues, problems.

I'm selfish you see. I guess. I mean if I cant find someone who can deal with me. Work with me when I get like this then how am I expected to deal with someone else's issues when I myself want someone to help me deal with mine.

I need some help. O want to scream and shout and peel back my skin and crawl out of myself just to go. Get out. Be someone else. Be somewhere else. Not me, not here.

ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!