363 - Long Update

I realize I haven't been posting again. Not that I don't want to. Its difficult without the Internet at home and having to go somewhere who has WI-FI that I can use.

Every so often Ill go to catch up as much as I can which isn't as much fun as being at home lazing around in whatever I think feels comfy and tapping away on the laptop.

So I will now update you as much as I can on what it happening as chronological as I can. I cant guarantee it will be in order though. Close but not 100%.

As far as work goes I am getting more and more comfortable with the things I have to do and it feels like I am settling in fine.

The men at work are a little funny sometimes but I try not to stay around more than I have to and those I do stay to talk to are usually the ones that are able to help me when I need it.

The others tend to ask me to hang out with them to do... nothing. A few want to go out with me even when Ive told them of my no dating coworkers rule. They will have to be satisfied with going out every so often for dinner.

No that still doesn't count as a date because I insist on taking separate cars. I choose the time and place and I pay half. Unless they give me that glare that some men give when its time to pay and they don't want any arguments about who is taking care of the bill. Its still not a date. There is no hand holding, no touching on my part of any kind to encourage them to think its a date and I will decline if the offer to walk me to my car is thrown out there. Last but not least, there is no goodnight kiss.

The above also goes for breakfast and lunches.

An example of one of the men from work.
Man - 'You have beautiful hair.'
Darling - Thank you
Man - Its always shiny and always looks healthy.
Darling - I cant take all the credit, I have good genes. My parents take some of the credit.
Man - I always want to touch it when I see you. It must feel silky and soft.
Darling - --------------------------? (politely smiles and nods)
Man - May I... May I braid your hair?
Darling - -------------? (feels like Ive walked into a hall of creepy)
Man - Ive very good at it... (waiting for me to say something as its been awhile)
Darling - Oh... Uhh... Ive decided to wear my hair down today and braids wouldn't be good today.
Man - Oh OK well, maybe another time then. Id love to touch your hair.
Darling - Oh look at the time. I have to rush now. Take care!

My birthday was last month. I meant to post something but the lack of Internet connection makes it challenging. Went out with family and friends for many meals and beverages. Got many phone calls and cards. Felt a little sad that this is my last year in my 20's. Though the good news is that people usually think I'm 23-24 years old.

I cant decide if that's because of how I act or how I look. That and whether its a good thing or not that they think I'm younger. Looking young is good, Feeling young is good but it depends on blah blah blah how I act and if its good or not.

Ill still go on the side that its all good and better to be though of as younger in different ways. Again that's thanks to the good genes. I do realize that that only gets me so far and I need to make sure that I take care of myself.

As far as the Internet goes. Im looking at this (hope it works) click here USB Mobile Internet
Side note. I figured out how to put a link in my posts :)

OK well I realized my sister has been getting all sorts of Credit cards in the mail and though Ive told her to be careful I find out shes roughly 1600$ in the red at around 28% interest. This cannot turn out well since shes under the impression she has money when she charges her purchases.

So I am soon to intervene due to the fact that I refuse to be peoples personal banking loan family member. I will help if needed but not before I help them turn things around. So I think some of it has to do with the fact that shes offered to pay some nights we've gone out. But that's not the only reason I'm sure.

So I'm cutting back on some things I know costs a lot and making sore that we still have time together. I get the heeby jeebies knowing I have a balance of 500 on my Visa. This is very much attractive to me to try and help her out and get her to figure out her finances.

My brother on the other hand has been a little ---- I'm not sure what the word is. My sister, brother and I have gone out here and there and I never mind taking care of the bill. I realize I make more money than both of them and Its family.

My sister realizes this and she tries to every so often cover the bill. This makes me happy. The whole give and take factor. I don't expect her to ever cover all the bills when we go out. So when she does. Its very sweet and I appreciate it.

My brother on the other hand, never offers and actually does the opposite. When the bill comes. He'll take a look at it and my sister and I will be pulling out our wallets. He sees my sister do this and tells her not to worry that 'she can pay for it, she makes more money' Meaning me.

I know this, my sister knows this and of course my brother knows this. We just never say it out loud and make it so its awkward. Until then.

I cant get mad at him for it so I shrug and handle the payment. I'm not affected by it. He just stated the truth. After 3 -4 times of him stating the truth out loud at the end of a night. My sister points out a few facts about who actually males the most money out of the 3 of us.

Its not me if you were wondering. I have an apartment, car insurance, and the other miscellaneous things that most people have. It happens to be my brother who makes the most money as he doesn't have some bills that I do.

Anyway. Its getting a little irritating to hear him cry 'poor' when hes not. Ive never complained when handing over my Visa. I don't mind it. But wen it comes with comments that I don't really care for. I have to wonder where the line is when it comes to family and the need to put people in their place.

My car just had rear brakes done. I feel safer and better now that I can stop safely on a rainy day.

D and I are D and I. I'm starting the process ... again of pulling away. Its just not working. How I want it to. I realize nothing will work the way I want it to. In some ways it works in others its not.

I'm in conflict with myself and its a tug of war, a constant battle and add anything that sounds similar and means the same. So Ive been a little bit more upfront in telling him what it is I need and whenever he can accommodate that would be nice. Though he takes it a little too literally which makes me feel like hes making fun of me and makes me feel like I'm demanding.

All I want is to make the most of the time we do spend together so that (here is where it sounds bad) so that I am satisfied. I'm not asking for mountains to be built. For example the convo last night...

Darling - OK so I have a request.
D - k...
Darling - I know we cant always have sex when were together due to certain things, schedules, locations... But that doesn't mean we cant say ... make out.
D - Well... making out usually makes me want to have sex.
Darling - Oh me too, for me that's OK. It just means ill want to have sex with you and knowing I cant have sex with you then will make when we do... more intense.
D - Is that how it works?
Darling - for me... I guess so. I know its not all about sex but I do like just making out sometimes and I know its always about sex.
D - I do try
Darling - Really?
D - yeah but we usually end up having sex after.
Darling - (smiles) that's not a bad thing at all. Not my plan but it those cases we can indulge and move from making out to sex.
D - Not a bad thing for either of us.
Darling - I know sometimes you're tired and sex isn't on the menu. I just figure making out instead can be since its not all about sex.
D - OK how about sex tomorrow night and Thursday your place for an hour.
Darling (teasing) a whole hour? You have a busy day I'm not sure it will be a whole hour.
D - OK 30 minutes of cuddling no sex
Darling - What? Are you kidding?
D - Well you said its not all about sex.
Darling - Yeah but... but... (flustered) I meant on nights and times when you are tired and you don't want to have sex.
D - well........ Ill leave it up to you....

I was annoyed. Felt like he was twisting my words. I left without saying goodbye. He sent a text saying that wasn't very nice. I didn't reply. He called and said that wasn't very nice. I said I'm glad he realizes that it wasn't very nice, hoping he'd know I meant him.

We were both irritated. It was late at night. Didn't want to talk about it or argue. The wind left my sails. I just reminded myself that its just what it is. Friends. Me expecting things makes it that much harder. So I'm trying not to expect anything.

Which means I am going on a date next week with SB when hes in town. R is coming a week after and we'll do dinner somewhere. B is planning a trip to Ottawa in November. I'm undecided but will probably see him. M is on hold as timing is very difficult when it comes to seeing each other.

Profuse sweater is still persistent and most of the time that will work. In his case it wont.

On a more personal note. This post has gone long. The good and scary news is I'm in the market to buy a house. Though I think more and more that it will be a condo. Id prefer a house but I might have to wait a few years until I get there.

Its a little stressful. I'm still a girl and feel like its a big big world out there for me. So many things for me to do to learn and figure out. This whole house hunting thing feels a bit much and I kind of want to find someone to just pick a house for me and say 'this is it'.

D is helping me with it. I'm glad. I would drag my feet and shop for a really long time if he wasn't around. Ive already been pre approved. Not its just a matter of finding one that I like and can live with.

One of my girlfriends is going through the stages to work at the same place I am. I'm a little torn about that. On one hand I'm happy as its a better company to work for. On the other and more personal hand. Ill become the shadow... or the friend no one sees.

I miss blogging. I haven't been writing much of anything and I think its draining having it all in my mind. Writing/blogging is an outlet I should continue to do.

xox