53 - ring dammit ring!!

When someone that I am interested in says they will call I get excited, I look forward to it. The anticipation is maddening sometimes. The possibility of what it might bring. The depth of conversation, the tone, the innuendos, the flirting, the planning, what level of boldness Ill rise to. The promise of... what might become.

We have great phone etiquette, you are polite, courteous, intriging and mysterious. I want to be challenging without being in your face. You want to think, form clear well thought our replies that make me think and do my own formatoins of thought provoking ideas. Share things with each other that only your most trusted of friends are privvy to... or maybe not even.

I imagine great long drawn out conversations. Personal intimate conversations. Funny, entertaining and soulful conversations. Time is not an issue nor is it taken into consideration. It just happens and takes us to the end where at times we wake up to the phone off the hook or pressed against your face leaving an imprint.
this goes on for some time...

Soon I am held captive by this person on the other end of technology. Captive. I cant wait to hear what he has to say. Hes so intelligent. We have spophisticated exchanges and theres always that you make me feel... like a million bucks atmosphere Its so right, it feels so right. I agree and voice my agreement. When I dont agree with things he says I still voice my opinion. We discuss, share, and think of reasons and then together agree on some sort of compromise.

How that voice sweeps through my body, creating anticipation with just the thought of hearing that voice. Im captive. I patiently wait until the phone rings and hope that its that low manly tone that I have learned, does wondrous things to my mind and body. I wonder if he feels the same way? Does he will the phone to ring and wish it was me on the other end? Would he call me in the middle of the day just to say he had to hear my voice and talk to me?

some time passes...

The conversations sometimes go on til the early hours of the next day. Like an accomplishment, I am on a high that day even without a full nights sleep. I want to hear that voice all day. It makes me happy, It makes me feel good. It makes me smile. I need it, I need to hear you. I need you. Make me feel good. I need you. Please. Where are you? Why cant I keep you? It feels like a drug. I need a fix.

a week or so later...

Im so glad you called, I miss you. You can only talk for a few minutes? ok No, Im not busy... (my desk is being piled with work as I sit here with you hearing your voice) Let me go somewhere where I can talk more freely... Im glad you called. Ive missed you really I have missed you. Stay with me. Why do you have to go? Why must it end. Ok I know youre busy, yes call me later tonight. It feels good even if its for a few minutes, but I want more.

The phone calls lately havent been as long as usual, thats ok, were both busy people. I cant get a hold of him as much as I used to. Thats ok things happen. Im in a bit of a crusty mood because I havent talked to you in a while. Im deprived. You are holding out on me. I need more.

I remember when we first met and the way we used to...

Im waiting later that night cancelled plans to go out. I cant wait to hear from you Im so excited and I wait in anticipation. Im so happy youll call. That we'll talk and be close and share and fall ever so slightly more into the abyss. I cant wait to see what this conversation will bring.

A couple of hours later...

I check my phones, make sure they are all charged and ready to go. Something came up, he got delayed, he will call, even to say something came up. Why wouldnt he call to let you know something came up? isnt that normal for people to do? I would do it. Maybe it slipped his mind. Who knows? I call someone to tell themn to call me back there might be a problem with connections to my number. No everything is fine. What is it then? Somethings happened.

Deep down you know. You dont want to give it any power but its true. He wont be calling. Not even to say that hes sorry. All he'll say is that something did happen and something was out of his control. That for some reason or another he just could not call.

How long are you going to put up with all his BS? Why wont you open your eyes to it, what is it that you want from him that you cant get anywhere else? The fix. That high, that feeling of being in your own little world where things are good and right. Delusional!Its not real. Why cant I see it. Why do I hold out my shaking hand for something that will only bring me down in the end. I am sadistic, I love the high it brings if only for a minute or two. Its worth it. Just as long as it doesnt affect the rest of my life :)

I need help.

Now... call whoever it is you said you would call.