319 - Sexapalooza

Spoke with R and asked about family and we talked about the times we were together. Hes interested in coming to see me but isn't sure when. Its been a long time since Ive seen him and he still tells me that he thinks of me often and looks forward to seeing me again for more pleasurable times. Maybe not in those exact words but those sound much more PG than what he sounded like.

J is new and in a situation that I haven't heard of before. I wont share yet but Ill be hearing from him tomorrow afternoon to see when we can go for a quick beverage this coming weekend.

This is where you would have found me this weekend http://www.sexapalooza.ca/ottawa.html

I brought home goodies to not only taste but wear, I picked up things to watch and of course other things... to play with. Ill leave it to your perusal of the site to wonder what I brought home. I did get something that Ive always wanted and wasn't sure where to find it.

There were a lot of people there and knowing the bartenders I was sufficiently topped up with alcoholic beverages. I bumped into co workers from J1 and directed them to where my videos should have been. I told them there must have been a delay in shipping. HA! :) We laughed and went on our way shortly after.

My inbox was full of surprising things and Ill share a couple another day. But I did get a call from The New Job and I have an info session on Feb 8th in the morning. My training date is set for Feb 18th.

Now Ill have to work a plan to see how I can keep J1 as a backup JIC things don't work out but I think this time Ill have to do it without a backup. Reason? To propel me ahead and up the drive to want the job. Kind of using the fact that I don't have J1 to fall back on will make me get through the training and get the offer. At the start of training Ill get a conditional offer of employment. If I get through training and I guess pass the final exam they have then Ill get the job. If for some reason I don't pass the offer will be revoked. Phooey!

So now my thoughts are on the trip to Florida and how that might not happen with M. Darn. Well maybe if I tell him that I can go before the 18th and not after. How to delicately try to keep J1 out of the loop and how to go about it without losing the job. Do I give 2 weeks notice? Give 1 weeks notice and take a week off to go on a Holiday down south? Take vacation and then give 2 weeks?... or or or or or!! The taking vacation down south also needs thinking as I need to make sure that I can bankroll the trip or talk to A about him taking me down as hes been wanting to do that for a while... for...

The thing I am worried about is I have savings to cover my training period. I do get paid for training but its about 50% of what I will be making once I finish. The thing is I wont get a pay cheque from The New Job for 3 weeks once I start and that's at that rate. So I should be OK. Just a bit worried about it as I'm usually on the ball when it comes to finances so I'm a bit rattled by the uncertainty of it as I still don't have the job secured 100%.

I have the job if I get through the training period. I am doubting myself. If there are other people that have gone through it and were successful why not me? Why not me. I just have the usual doing something new jitters. I hope my brain hasn't atrophied.

Just got a text from D asking me if I missed him. I couldn't reply right away and he sent another one right after saying that he missed me. When I had a moment I sent him one saying that I missed him before he left.

Maybe a shift will happen as far as me taking a step back instead of forward with D. There's no point in going forward if there's no reason to. The other thing I am worried about it how big a step back will it be. Even if its one step it the size that matters. Enough to turn off the feel good times that I share with him or can I keep the physical separated from the mental. Or just enough to keep things light. I dont want to take a step that will take me to the place where I might resent him for not wanting to be with me. Or be in the place where I think I need to change things that I think will make someone want me.

I wont of course. Change for someone else. If its for anyone it will be for me. That's something to look forward to. We shall see.