Dream, Fantasy, Truth or Fiction

He emits so much warmth that I wiggle backwards so my back is to his front. His arm wraps around me and his hand lays flat on my heart, warming me even there. We drift off to sleep for a while. The blinds have been closed but we both know its still bright out. I feel the twitches of sleep here and there, I smile, a little nap in the middle of the day, so indulgent.

Soon I drift off as well. Some time has past and I am slowly wakened by the feel of his finger moving back and forth on me, just barely touching, but I can feel it throughout my body. I find myself on my back and can feel his teeth gently bite down on my earlobe. I take in a sharp breath and clench my teeth slightly.

His finger moves methodically. Down an inch for small circles and up an inch for small strokes all making my breaths quicken, my legs to lift and soon parts of me start to shake. He moves his body over me and slips himself inside slowly. He presses into me slowly so that I can feel him opening me wider and wider. I hold my breath and cry out in pleasure as he pushes himself inside me deeply.

My eyes open and I see him looking back at me. We've both just woken and were in a haze of awareness, of want and need. He leans down and kisses me. Our lips dance and play while our bodies are tangled in a slow dance. My mind wants more, wants intense. My body is enjoying the pleasures and I let my body win. Enjoying the slow dance but imagining the more and the intense.

Soon I feel myself tightening around him and he knows. He moves like he knows whats happening to me. He moves so that I wrap my arms around him and pull him into me deeper. My face buried in his neck to take me. To let him know that I'm there. That I'm holding on and not letting go. To continue.

He does, not changing his tempo. Just letting me ride wave after wave. He moans in my ear 'I love feeling you cum all over me'

362 B - leper

leper - I do have a request. If possible, the next time were together, it would be really nice if you could rub my back... or something.

jerk - No I dont do that. I dont rub backs or feet.

leper - What do you mean...?

jerk - I just dont do that. I dont like getting massages or having my feet touched so I dont do that to anyone.

leper - Oh... Ok... I mean its not for you to enjoy... its well... its selfish. I would really enjoy it if you did that.

jerk - No I dont do that.

leper - Really?

jerk - Yes really.

leper - ... Uhh... Ok I get it...

jerk - Thats something I wont do. I dont say no to other things that youve asked for but this I wont do. I accomodate everything else youve asked for.

leper - I see.

jerk - Yeah, No I wont do that.

leper - (shocked into silence)

jerk - (keeps saying in different ways that he doesnt do that and no he wont and thats the end of it and its just not happening)

leper - OK, you dont have to keep repeating it. I heard you the first time.

I took it personally. I felt really rejected. My first reaction. Attack on me personally. There must be something wrong with me. Why doesnt he want to touch me. Am I dusgusting.

I know you dont like it when people give you massages or touch your feet. Its just something that I would really like and enjoy and in my mind. I was thinking thats what people who like each other do for each other. Make little sacrifices like that. Make considerations.

I might not like it but he does so to make them happy Ill do it. Ill explain it like that in maybe nicer ways but so they know that I care... Ill do it...

Is that too weird, odd and Is my thinking screwed up? If so then I will apologize to him and change the way I think But I thought it was a simple request. Rub my back. I didnt realize that Id be made to feel like a leper.

He doesnt care does he?

362 A - losing it

I lost it on D. Like any woman would lose it. Brought up all sorts of things and apologized and cried and wanted and needed. All for what? To get it out. To let it out. Will it change anything? Probably how he sees me. Other than that. Ive accepted the fact that ties might be cut. I'm not sure. We shall see.

Now I'm just like all the other women out there. Crazy and irrational. Damn. I thought I was better than that. What do you know. I'm not. I'm beating myself up over it and I know I shouldn't but I am. Its all part of the process for me to let it go and forget about it. Soon after I find the eject button for all this nonsense, Ill be back to myself

I need to have sex. My outlet. Just lose myself in some anonymous physical release. Take me to a cloud of bliss. Orgasms. Anonymity. Sex. Sweat. I just want to forget.

I'm so screwed up. I don't know who would put up with me. Could put up with me. I think Ill be single forever because I don't want people to have to 'deal' with me. I'm too much to handle. The intensity of my feelings are just too much.

Sometimes I think that I don't want to put people in that situation where they have to deal with the intense me. Because its too much. How can one person handle it. I don't know. Maybe that's my way of saying I don't want to handle anyone else's intensities, issues, problems.

I'm selfish you see. I guess. I mean if I cant find someone who can deal with me. Work with me when I get like this then how am I expected to deal with someone else's issues when I myself want someone to help me deal with mine.

I need some help. O want to scream and shout and peel back my skin and crawl out of myself just to go. Get out. Be someone else. Be somewhere else. Not me, not here.

ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

361 - wedding bells

D’s weekend was full of wedding details. Someone else’s wedding of course. If it were his, this post would be a very different kind of post. More negative and leaning towards the male bashing. D being the specific male that Id be bashing. This is however not the case. Thank marshmallows.

So back to his weekend and my thoughts on marriage. It scares me. Maybe its one, two or a few things that scares me. Like out of all the people in this world, out of all the men in this world, of all the men that might make an appearance in my life in some way, shape or form.

One of them, may just one day be someone I decide I am able to share my life with. That seems to be a huge issue as I'm not sure that it might ever happen. That’s just me being negative and modest with some humble pie.

It is kind of scary in the fact that it will be one person to live with day in and day out. To support each other sexually, mentally, emotionally, financially and spiritually to name a few. One person who will be there for you and you for him in times of need, success, failures and all that comes in between.

Its all fantastic to want to find someone to share all of the above with. Its just difficult to find that person. Maybe for some its not difficult. Maybe that’s the wrong word. Ive heard that it happens when the time is right, when you aren’t looking.

Another part of it is finding someone that will be able to satisfy all the things that one person needs. Someone to laugh with, hang out with, play with, live with, grow with, work with and so on.

With all the stories of spouses cheating, with the times that people spend apart when they could spend it together. When people ignore or become complacent and take each other for granted how are people supposed to choose just one person whom they wont do those with.

I know it happens to us all and we do it to people we know, whether they are friends, family or coworkers. I guess the mental picture in my mind of marriage is a bit of a fairy tale.

Maybe its me that needs to change the way I think. Maybe it’s me that expects too much. I’m not discounting that fact. It very well may be the reason that’s holding me back from finding The One and deciding that its time for that chapter in my life.

I like the fairy tale in my mind. I know it needs work. I admit to being open about change. Maybe.. I’m holding onto the fairy tale tightly because I'm scared.

I'm scared for many reasons. Some maybe ill get into another time. For now. I like the idea of weddings. The celebration, the gathering of friends and family to watch two people tie the knot.
In the back of my mind I recall the stats on divorce and reasons for it. But I still wish them all the best and hope that they are able to continue to grow, live and move forward together.