forty two - Live

I remembered something recently, something that I hadnt thought of in a while. When I was younger there was a situation that wasnt right, involving someone older than me and of the opposite sex.

I didnt know too much about that area of life at that time. I wont go into details but I consider myself lucky compared to a lot of people who might have gone through something similar.

What made me think about it? I was having a conversation with someone after they led me to read someones work. Ill admit to reading it all. Very taboo, fascinating in a train wreck kind of way, you know what will happen but you cant turn away? Through it all, it never dawned on me that I had experienced some of what she was writing. Only after I read it and during the conversation when he mentioned he was glad that I wasnt uncomfortable with it, did it 'click'. I didnt mention it to him until he said 'I would never have recommended it if you had any sort of negative experience in the past'. Thats where I said gently, 'but I did'. He was shocked and I gave him a quick rundown. He felt awful about it and was apologizing profusley.

I have never blocked it from my memory on purpose. I have never covered it up. I am not ashamed and or embarrassed. I wasnt traumatized. That situation did not lead me down a dark path of self hatred of any sort... any kind of hatred for anyone really. It did not affect any of my relationships. I wont be going to a psychologist for it. I know I wasnt at fault. Nor will I use what happened to me as any sort of leverage for anything. Chances are.. I will forget about it until something else triggers that memory. It was just... something that happened ... unfortunatley.

I talk about it with people if they ask and only in confidence. . I have talked about it with some people and have turned it into a story of strength and courage. Bad things happen, dont let it stop you from living. To some it would paralyse them. For me I just pause (if that) and continue. If I do anything more than pause(like dwell or feel vengeful). I give it power. I choose to give power to other thoughts. Thoughts gives way to doubt which leads to words which leads to action. I dont want negative thoughts to have that kind of direction. Positive yes, negative no. I know what is wrong, what is right and I am very much aware of the grey area in between those two realms.

Back to choices. I choose the good, the happy, the growing not sad, depressed or vengeful. I choose to look back on it (when I do remember that time) and think of how I can use that to help better myself and other people. Theres a reason for everything. Sometimes that reason isnt apparent right away. A long time ago, I thought 'Im glad it happened to me. Im strong, I can deal with this (and I have) Its too bad it had to happen... in a twisted way, I am glad it was me... and not my sister' That would have broken me. Having it actually happen to me... didnt break me, didnt stunt any part of my emotional and spiritual growth. In fact, its made me that much more...

If I had a choice between something bad happening to me or my sister, I would choose me. She might have a different decision (she can make her own choices of course). I wouldnt want her to suffer anything.

Like I said I was lucky. I grew up being able to do the things I have wanted to. I grew up loved. I grew up being busy. I was given a chance and freedom to learn and grow and suffer consequences. I was surrounded by a lot of family and friends. I enjoyed my time in many places. Loved, laughed and cried with and for other people(myself incl). What can I say? Im a sap! lol

This is not meant to be a 'woe is me' post. I think if anything it is a 'WOW is me!' Do I ever look back and wonder if I could have changed anything? No. I dont see a point in it. What happened happened. Things happen for a reason :)

I think I dont remember it often because I dont give it power to affect me. Yes it was bad yes it shouldnt have happened. But it did. I cant change that. I dont have to think about it. What for? For this post :)

Personally how I deal with negative things is easy. I let it go. Theres no use in keeping it with you. Theres no point. If you havent learned a lesson, if you havent grown, if your eyes werent opened a little, if your vision isnt clearer or sharper then you hold on to it. If you are able to see past the hurt, past the troubles and understand something positive, something that will pull you through, something that will help make your life better (which in turn will help someone elses life better) then you let it go.

I guess thats why it feels like I have no baggage?

Whats left for you afterwards? Still the same things that were there before. Life and people. You cant hide or close yourself off. You are still alive. It didnt kill you, since youre not dead, which I think is the worse thing that can happen. (for me) What else is there to do?

Live