thirty eight - growth

I really enjoy how, when one aspect/part of my life grows ... so do the rest if I choose, by applying knowledge and feeding the other parts the ways and means to grow and change. Like a domino effect, once you have gained something and realize that it can create a big difference. The next domino(area/part of what makes you YOU) is affected if you want it to be, making things change so fast it might leave your head spinning (the good kind of spinning) If not then its just a lone domino standing on its own at one point, learning something great, and falling, hoping to cause a wave of realisation only to smack down hard on the surface causing not even a ripple of awareness.

Learning its lesson. Period. No continuity of self awareness.I would prefer to have my head spinning and have my eyes wide open. Bring on the dominos!!

Sometimes I feel like I have changed a great deal from who I was 3 month, 6 months and 3 years ago. Other times I think that it was all in me before, the information I mean. I knew so much about so many things but have never have experienced any of it.

I used to read a lot and matured earlier and younger due to the time spent with my mind being interested and curious about the people lives and situations that I hadnt yet encountered myself. Add to that, the emotions and couplings and theories involved in what I was reading. I devoured books. Read cover to cover then tossed it to the side only to start another. I remember thinking that its so far removed from my life and current situation. I didnt think that similiar things might occur to me in my life.
* It did, not all the same, I have my own twists that I inject into things. Making it my own and personal.

Once the experience met the knowledge, it was liberating, it still is. There is still so much that I have yet to experience and I look forward to it.

Upon experience meeting knowledge, that is where I found I didnt know as much as I thought I did, anymore. I mean, you think you know so much and then it happens... ok now.. what else is there for you to try? I thought I had a lifetime of knowledge HA! The things that I thought of suddenly became truth. My knowledge plummeted, shaking me. I know now that ... like energy, it is not gone forever, it is just in a different form. Mind you, I was excited at all my experiences. Kind of a double edged sword. I knew about it and always wanted it to happen which is great! then it does happen and YAY! but who thinks of what happens afterwards? Of If I dont have that to look forward to anymore. What else?? and does that make me less knowledgeable? less... everything?

NOW its a matter of keeping one busy with learning and not being stagnant. Always try to do, learn be something new and different, better.

At that time when I was experiencing things one after the other, it made me doubt myself as a person with anything to offer, with anything to show, with anything of substance. Which leads down a certain path of searching within. Trying to find out why I felt lacking and 2 steps behind. It took something from me, or maybe it just showed me the truth, that I had little or no confidence in myself. Physically, mentally and spiritually. I struggled with it and still do, but in time and with time I have learned that I do have confidence, phyically, mentally and spiritually. Not all at the same time or at the same degree. But it is there and I like plant they all need nurturing.

I am and have been learning so much about myself I can hardly start in one area for missing something vitally important. In time I think that it will all come out. I look forward to it and to sharing those experiences here.