367 - lost and found

Where have I been? Here, there and nowhere. Time is lost to me and I miss a lot of things, simple things that used to make me happy. Now I steal bits and pieces of happiness where I can.
My life feels different. So much going on, so much I cant share even with you as its all too close to home and would surely give me away. That makes me sad. So Ill generalize as much as can with as much detail as I can.

The house looks good. I’ve unpacked most of my things but there are still some boxes that need to be unpacked. I tell myself there is no hurry and really there isn’t. I have lots of time to do that.
Part of me doesn’t want to complete the process of unpacking as it makes it official, that I am moved in and settled. Do I want to settle? Remember me? The girl scared of commitment and what do I do? Commit myself to a mortgage. That’s years of my life.

That, i’ve been able to deal with. I just tell myself that its rent. That its ok because I have to live somewhere and I would be paying rent somewhere. It just so happens to be a house now.
Its lonely sometimes. Somehow I feel it more at the new house. I’m not sure why or what brought on the more intense feeling of loneliness but its there like a big pink elephant in the room sometimes.

D and I are still doing what were doing. I’m like a junkie and he’s my drug. Addiction sometimes leads to death. I know that wont mean my life… but perhaps a part of me has to die to let that addiction go.

I’m scared of letting any part of me die, of losing myself, even if just a little bit to be able to move forward. Why does that scare me so much? Because then, I might truly be alone. Where I’ve cut off a part of me. That’s what it feels like. Like Ill be cutting off a part of myself.

Strange as I only feel that way when it comes to D. Anyone else that I might be seeing doesn’t affect me the same way. I do know that Ive put myself on a program. It might not be what most people would recommend but however many steps it takes, however slowly the process is, I will be free.

Im just scared of time not being kind to me. For if it takes a lot of time to become free then what will I be at that point? Not myself or just a lesser person. I know Im not getting younger or prettier. Ill never be as young and look as good as I do today. As I did yesterday. I remind myself that Im sacrificing myself taking it slow to be free.

There has to be a price right? Maybe that’s mine along with a piece of my heart and soul.
As for work? That will give me away if I share the details so Ill just say that financially I’m screwed. I used all my savings for the down payment on the house, the move, Christmas, mortgage payments and bills. Now the money coming in doesn’t even come close to what is going out.

Not because of my poor financial planning but because of what is happening at work. Because of what is happening or not happening at work I was depressed for a couple of weeks. Not social, not working out, not eating well. Just wanted to be left alone and didn’t feel motivated to do anything.

After Id wallowed in that for a couple of weeks I pulled myself out and just started to do things. I started to work out at home again which felt great. I had lost some weight in those two weeks and that urged me to commit to losing becoming more toned.

I would like to go on a vacation in three or four months and look even better than I do in a bikini. I’m eating healthier and I’m not going out as much so I can save money. I’m reading more to escape my reality. I’m not sure if that’s good or not but I’m back at the library and go through books like water.

Reading to distract me from what’s happening. To take me to people and places that aren’t connected to me.

The men in my life are still the same. Though SE confuses me as I cant read him or his intentions and that bothers me. He’s all about sex and I don’t want it to be all about that so I take it slow with him and he’s not happy about it.

I think SE will need more coddling than most. He seems more sensitive. He’s already shown he always feels like I’m blowing him off when I’m not able to go to his place because I have other things planned. It is not my fault. I just have plans a lot and sometimes it doesn’t involve him. I wont get into the me not wanting him involved part yet.

So its understandable and I’ve told him I never meant for him to feel like I was blowing him off. I have to mention that I think he’s better looking than I am. I cant explain it or maybe I don’t want to just yet. But he’s a pretty boy. He works out and has a yummy physique that I must admit caught my eye when I first met him at the start of 2008.

Theres a lot of things about him that turn me on and well… maybe Ill share that another time.
A has been promising to take me somewhere on a trip but that hasn’t come to fruition. Ive been hearing about that trip for almost five months. I haven’t had sex with him though I think he will be expecting that if it does materialize. I know that doesn’t make me look good. Ill have to have a talk with him to make sure that there are no expectations of that and other nefarious acts…

Its winter here and its cold. Part of why I feel lonely is because I want to share in someone’s warmth in bed or on the couch. The fireplace just reminds me that theres no one to make love to in front of it.

The Big Dog loves the new house, she specially loves the back yard. The long walks I take her on around the area. She loves that I’m home more than ever because of what’s happening at work.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and 2009 is good to you.

Ive missed ...being here.